Friday, December 31, 2010

Good bye 2010

I'm happy to be starting a new year. 2010 was a mix of the happy and unhappy:

  • I was having troubles with my manager at work.
  • Said manager left the company!!
  • Lexi turned one
  • We lost baby #2

There were lots of smaller ups and downs...but these were the ones that stick out.

Things I'd like to accomplish in 2011

  • Save more money
  • Pay off debts
  • Have another baby (or at least get pregnant again)
  • Reconnect with my DH more

I hope everyone has a safe, prosperous New Year.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

All things holidays

It's been a crazy week, and it's not even over yet. I'll start by saying Christmas was great. We spent Christmas Eve at the in-laws like we normally do. Lexi thoroughly enjoyed herself and only had one small meltdown at dinner. She wanted to sit on momma's lap, but we weren't letting her out of her booster chair. Bad momma! Anyway, she received wonderful gifts from DH's parents and his aunt. I must say, his aunt did spectacular...and she's not known for her gift giving skills (I got socks one year...men's socks)...but it's the thought right? But Lexi got this toy which she LOVES...and this toy which she equally loves from her. From her grandma she got this toy...which is WAY above her age level. The box says ages 6 and up...uuummmm...she's only 1. She also received another alphabet electronic toy, but I can't remember the name of it so I can't link it. But it's much like the Leap Fr0g one. When we came home, Lexi put out her cookies and carrots for Santa and his reindeer, and also a bottle of Coke (because Santa wanted Coke from her and not milk).



Christmas Day was spent at our house. I relished the look on her face as she came down the stairs and got her first glimpse of the presents under the tree. I took video, but can't figure out how to upload it, and I don't have any pictures...so you'll just have to believe me when I say it was priceless. Santa came again this year to visit her after he made all his deliveries...and she actually hugged him. It was an amazing day being with family.

Lexi's godfather, his son and his girlfriend, then drove in from PA on Monday to stay with us...though we didn't know he was coming under Monday morning. Needless to say, there was alot of rushing around to clean and change sheets before they arrived.

Tuesday we all went to see Jeff Dunham. Jeff-fa-fa Dun-HAM dot cooomm. If you've seen his show, you know what I'm referring to. I loved it. I'm reading his book now and while it's not the most cohesive book (he jumps around alot) it's a good read. I'm such a huge fan of his...and have been since before he was so well known.

Wednesday was spent at the in-laws in the evening. DH and our house guests went into the city to the Mag Mile and Navy Pier to see the Christmas displays.

Last night was the first night in 3 days I got to sleep in my own bed (since we gave up our room to our guests).

I'm excited about NYE. I'll have my New Year's post later.

Hope everyone had a wonderful holiday and that everyone enjoys their New Year and "plays safe".

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my blog friends.

You have been there for me when I've needed you the most.

I wish nothing but joy and happiness to each and everyone of you this holiday season.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Humbug

As Christmas gets closer I'm feeling more and more "bah humbug". I don't want to say sad or depressed...because I don't feel like those adjectives fit. I'm excited for Lexi to experience Christmas...we have a few things planned for her on Christmas Eve (cookies for Santa, carrots for reindeer etc)...I'm happy to be spending 2 days with family...even though they can drive me crazy. But I'm also stressed. So much so that I'm not sleeping much at night. I lay awake and think of all the things I need to do before Saturday...gifts to buy and wrap, house to clean etc. Then I stress about money...how much are we spending...can we afford that? etc. Then I start thinking of my dear husband snoring away next to me...and how much crap he's had to put up with with me. And how I really need to find out why my libido has dropped to near nothing. Because he deserves a wife who wants sex. I stress about work...and wonder if I'll get screwed like I did last year. And pray that I don't.

Life is hard. Being a grown-up is hard. Somedays I just want to be a kid again. Today is one of them.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

She didn't cry


I'm so proud of my little peanut...though I am sad that I don't have the "child screaming on Santa's lap photo" that seems to be the norm with kids this age.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Seeing Red - TMI Post (Feel free to skip)

Humiliated...that's how I'm feeling right now. I got to work about 8:30 this morning and promptly had to pee...well, when I went to use the ladies room, I found that my feminine hygiene product did not to it's job and I was literally seeing red. My underwear were unwearable and my pants (thank goodness I wore the black ones today) were also wet. I had to toss the undergarments in the trash! I wanted to cry!! Obviously being at work, I had no change of clothes, and the Lane Bryant didn't open until 9:30! I was so uncomfortable and embarrassed going into the store. They changed their sizing and I wasn't 100% sure what size I would be. The lady told me to go try on the pants...and didn't understand why I kept telling her I couldn't...being that I wasn't wearing any underwear and all. Luckily, one of the other sales women picked up on my uncomfortableness and resistance to trying on the pants and saved me. She told me "it's happened to me" and to gather what I needed from the lingerie department...and allowed me to use their restroom...then showed me to the fitting room so that I could finally try on the pants.

I've never had this happen to me to this extent. I mean I've "leaked" before...but never like this. I've been going through "products" every 2 hours. I hope this isn't a new normal.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Exactly 4weeks and 2 days after my D&C Aunt Flo decided to grace me with her presence. Lucky me.

******************

It's cold here today. Very cold. Like single digit air temperatures cold. Add the wind chill to that...and well, you can guess...it's COLD! Thank goodness for crock pots...fleece blankets...hot cocoa...fires in the fireplace.

Friday, December 10, 2010

4 weeks

Today, I should be 12w2d pregnant...instead, it's the 4 week mark since my D&C. It's hard to believe that I would be entering my 2nd trimester soon...possibly sporting a small baby bump. I can't help but think about those things. Those "I should be's".



No one asks anymore how I am. It's almost as if it didn't happen. It's almost as if I'm the only player in a nightmare. Alone. That's really how I've been feeling. Utterly alone. Even DH doesn't talk about it. The only person I feel I can talk to about it is Lexi. Funny huh? Talking to a 20 month old about their lost sibling. But I find comfort in showing her the ornament that hangs on the tree to remember her baby brother/sister. Even if she doesn't understand.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Snow, tantrums and tree in photos


She LOVED playing in the snow

She didn't want to come in.



Her hair is ALMOST long enough for a single ponytail



Christmas Tree



Saturday, December 4, 2010

First Snow

We received the first snow of the season last night. About 4 inches of the fluffy stuff fell as we slept. I woke up to this...





And it's still falling. I can't wait to take Lexi out in it. When she saw the snow...she just stared out the window...unsure of what to make of it. It's going to be a fun winter.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Early Intervention Evaluation

Lexi had her EI eval yesterday morning. I was nervous to say the least. I was afraid they were going to tell me I was royally screwing up my child and she should be stripped from my care. Well, not really...but you get the point.

First off, the DT and ST were late. So this didn't start things off well with me. I'm a punctual person...and if I'm going to be late, I call. They were 15 minutes late and didn't call, so I was not happy to start with. But they were REALLY nice. They sat on the floor in our family room and basically played with Lexi, while asking me and my mom (my mom was there as well since she watches Lexi 4 days a week) questions about my pregnancy, Lexi's birth, her health, her daily habits etc.

They marveled at how open she was with them...willingly going up to them to play and do the things they were asking. They kept asking me if she was always this easy going...my answer was obviously yes, she is. And it's true...Lexi is very social and loves other people and kids. It might take her a minute or so to warm up, but then she's off!

As for the actual evaluation...I'll post more when I get the detailed report, but a short version:

They graded her based on an adjusted age of 18 months (because she was a month early) and she only scored at a 12 month level for verbal skills...which qualifies her for speech therapy services. While I'm not happy about her score, I'm thrilled that she qualified for services. I know she will only benefit from them, and I would hate to NOT have her qualify and have to wait for her to fall further behind (she's only a 33% delay and they need a 30% delay to qualify) before she could get assistance.

HOWEVER...she scored consistently at a 21 or 22 month level for her receptive language as well as ALL her developmental skills. I always said she was a smart cookie! Some of the tasks that they asked her to do, they preceded with "We don't expect her to be able to do this yet, but we'll try...", and she mastered them! Which actually surprised both the DT and ST. Lexi was able to identify both pictures of nouns (which one is the ball?) AND verbs (which one is sleeping?). I'm told the identification of the verbs is way above her age.

Anyway, that was my day yesterday. I'm VERY happy about being able to get her the assistance she needs now. The ST actually thinks she may only need a month or two of weekly sessions and she'll be all caught up!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Healing

Today, I managed to talk to someone about my miscarriage without tears welling up, or getting choked up. A client of mine had called, and after we discussed business, he asked how Lexi was doing...then proceeded to ask when we will have another. Now, before you think this is a weird thing to be talking to a MALE client about...it's really not. He's a wonderful person and his daughter was born almost exactly one year after Lexi. We talk about our kids all the time. So when he asked when I plan on having another...I kind of hesitated and said "well, I actually just lost a baby about 3 weeks ago". He expressed his condolences and went on to tell me his wife lost one before his daughter was conceived. I was able to have a whole conversation with him without getting choked up. I don't know if it's because he experienced the same pain or not...but it felt good to be able to talk about it without sobbing.

*********************************

Lexi has her EI evaluation tomorrow. Both a speech and developmental therpist will be coming to my house at 9am to meet with Lexi. I sure hope things go well and that they think she qualifies.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Christmas Tree

We went Sunday to cut down our Christmas tree. A little tradition that I carried over from my childhood. I always loved going to get our tree. The drive out to the farm was filled with anticipation, then seeing all the trees in the distance brought excitement. I love how they smell and how they feel. Yes, I know they make a huge mess, but its all worth it to me.

Its something I want Lexi to look forward too. Something I want her to enjoy. This year she wasn't interested in exploring so I ended up carrying her. But she did go up to the trees and smell them. That's my girl!
Unfortunately one of the downfalls to cutting your own tree is the fact that you can't really gauge their size. That's how we ended up with this sucker...


I have 9 foot ceilings in my house...and we cut about 2 feet off the top and it's still hitting the ceiling.

The trunk is literally 7 inches in diameter! It's HUGE!

A cute pic of Lexi during the "hunt"


My movie star


Here's a rare treat for you...a picture of someone other than Lexi! Me and the hubs at my cousin's wedding last Friday.






Monday, November 29, 2010

Necklace

The day of my D&C I ordered a necklace from this website. It arrived today. I ordered the Forget Me Not necklace with the 3 personalized stones. Mine has sapphire for our baby's conception month...Topaz for our loss month...and Pearl for his due date month. I love it.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Baby Sitter Question

So last Friday night was the first time that we left Lexi in the care of someone outside of family. My cousin got married, so everyone who normally watches her for us, was to be in attendance at the adult only reception. So we enlisted the teenager down the street. She and her sister came by last Sunday morning to meet Lexi and so that we could answer any questions they had and we could ask questions. Mind you, these girls are 15 and 12...so we weren't expecting professional answers. Their mom is a nurse...and they live 3 houses down from us.

Anyway, I thought that just the older one was coming...but her sister showed up as well. I had only taken enough cash out of the ATM to pay one girl...so my first question is...should I have paid BOTH girls? Like I said, I only thought one girl was coming.

Secondly, they asked if Lexi should get a bath...I told them she didn't need one, that she wasn't dirty. Well, they must have given her a bath...because last night at bath time, I noticed a dirty diaper (wet) still on the floor in the bathroom, and none of her bath toys were where I had left them before. Now, I didn't specifically tell them they couldn't give her a bath...but they also didn't mention it when we came home. What would you think about that?

Finally, when we came home...we saw that they had "cleaned". All of Lexi's toys were put away. Which was really nice...except the cleaning didn't stop there. Things that were previously on our counters were now in the cabinets...even if they didn't belong there necessarily. Now, I know they would have no idea where things went...which I why I can't understand why they felt the need to do it. Part of me thinks they were trying to make a really good impression so that we'll use them again...but part of me thinks one of them is just OCD (Lexi's books were stood up in a line organized by height and thickness). What would you think?

Regardless, Lexi obviously survived unscathed...and nothing was missing. Is it just my territorial side coming out?

Oh, and we had a great time at the wedding...

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thankful

Today, I'm especially thankful...


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Follow up appointment

I had my follow up appointment today with my OBGYN...I'm "released" to return to normal activities. I had to snicker when he said that. What's normal? Certainly not life as I know it now...but I guess this is my new normal. I never in a million years would have ever thought I'd experience a miscarriage. That's something that happens to other people...not me. I have to admit...I was naive.

Anyway, he asked me how I felt about a future pregnancy. I told him I was scared to death. That on top of our lack of insurance coverage for meds. I would love to be pregnant again...love to have another baby. But right now, I'm just trying to get through today. DH and I agreed we wouldn't talk about any future baby plans until after the holidays. Maybe by the new year I'll be able to fathom trying again...that is, if we can find the funds.

For now, I'm happy and thankful for what I DO have in my life. A loving husband, a beautiful daughter, a supportive family, great friends...and all of you.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Thankful for bloggers

Can I just take a moment to say just how thankful I am to those of you out there who take time out of your day to read my rambling and especially to those of you who not only read, but comment? I don't have hundreds of followers like some bloggers...hell, I don't even think I've broken 30...but I wouldn't have it any other way at this point. I so utterly thankful for bloggers like Jamie, Molly, Rotten, Mo, Erin, Susan, Erica, Mel...and I can't even begin to remember everyone...but your comments, emails and FB messages over these past weeks have just meant the world to me. It's amazing the connection that I feel to you...and we've never even met face to face.

So thank you for reading.

Thank you for commenting.

Thank you for sharing your lives with me.

Thank you for just being you.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

One week

Yesterday marked the one week mark since my D&C. Over the last week my emotions have been all over the place...but to look at me, you wouldn't know it. I'm very good at putting on the happy face for the people around me. VERY good. And I'm not sure if it's healthy. But I don't know any other way to be.

I cry in the privacy of my car, or in the bathroom at work, or while feigning sleep on the train with my hood over my head. For some reason, I just can't let the world see that I'm hurting...even though I want the world to know.

How can I begin to heal if I won't even allow myself the freedom to grieve openly?

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Red

That's what I saw when I went to the ladies room earlier. I didn't bleed at all before my D&C last Friday...and I had minimal spotting Friday and Saturday...and nothing since...until today. Bright red...enough to need a pad. I called my dr and left a message with the nurse. I'm waiting to hear back as to whether this is "normal" or not.



Anyone who has had a D&C with no bleeding before...did you bleed after??

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Life goes on

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that life moves on for everyone around me. I have to go through the motions of the mundane details of my daily grind. I have to show a "happy face" at work, because not everyone knows what happened. Things keep going as if nothing changed...but I have. I'm not the same person I was last Monday.

I'm dealing with alot of guilt on top of the extreme sadness. See, when we transferred the 2 "perfect" embryos and I got that positive HPT at 9dp3dt, I was scared shitless of twins. It would have been a big financial hit to us to have 2 more children. And silently, in my head, I wished one of those embryos away. I prayed that one would die. Of course, I had no way of knowing if one or both embryos tried to implant. But I'm feeling HUGE feelings of guilt over it. How could I wish my baby away? How could I want a baby to die? The logical side of me knows that any thoughts I had didn't create the outcome...but my heart is screaming at me right now...HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?? I'm angry at myself...and I don't know how to not be.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Hard

Today is hard. I'm back at work after having been off all last week. And I thought that having the distractions of work would be a plus...but I'm finding that I really have no motivation to be here. Everything seems so petty...and inconsequential. I hate to say this, but I'm feeling exactly like I was when I first came back from maternity leave. All I want to do is be at home with Lexi.

I'm very sad...some of my co-workers know what happened...but none of them have acknowledged it. I take that back. One person did, and though I cried when she did, it felt good to have her acknowledge that a life was lost. Some may say that since we never saw a heartbeat, that there was no life lost. But I disagree. A life WAS lost...and I may never know if this child was a boy or girl, if it would have looked like me or my DH. I will never touch or hold this child...but he/she WAS there. I can't act as if nothing happened...because it did.

Not only was my child taken from me...but all the hopes and dreams that I had for this child were taken as well.

Friday, November 12, 2010

D&C

I had my D&C this morning. I cried the whole way to the hospital, during check-in and all the way up until they took me back. I knew it would hit me today. After all, the last time was at this hospital, I took a baby home. This time, they took one from me. At least, that's what I was feeling this morning.

The staff was wonderful at the hospital. Very caring and sympathetic. I was very grateful for their bedside manner.

The procedure went well...I have no pain and very little bleeding. I'm glad to have the weekend to recover.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Big Day

Lately, I've had a lot of "THE" days. Beta day was THE day. Ultrasound day was THE day. Then when things started going south...every ultrasound was THE day. But tomorrow is probably THE biggest THE day. Tomorrow, my "baby" will be taken from me...physically. Even though I know there is no baby there. I went yesterday to see my obgyn...and he kindly offered another ultrasound so I would have piece of mind. The fetal pole was already gone from the sac. It made me feel more secure that tomorrow's procedure is the right decision...there is no questions anymore.

I'm surprisingly at peace today. My parents and I took Lexi to the bounce house today and had a great time. I'm sure that as I recover physically tomorrow, the emotions will come as well.

Thank you to everyone...for all your words of support, of love. I know that I'm not the only one in the world to go through this...but all your comments have made me feel enveloped in a virtual hug right when I needed it most.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

19 months old

Dearest Lexi,

Happy 19 months baby girl. I really don't know what to say to you this month...mommy and daddy tried to give you a brother or sister, and we thought it worked! But unfortunately, God had another idea.

You remain my angel here on Earth, while your sibling is our angel in Heaven.

I love you more than all the stars in the skies.

Love,

Mommy

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Scheduled

My D&C is scheduled for 8:30am on Friday morning. I'm to be at the hospital by 6:30am. My OBGYN just wants to meet with me tomorrow to go over risks and benefits of the procedure. Not to try to talk me into doing this naturally. Thank goodness.

Oh...and I will be knocked out for the procedure. At least that's a plus.

Decisions

I've made my decision. I want a D&C. I don't want to wait for "nature to take it's course". I waited almost a month to see if this pregnancy was going to be viable. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be done so that I can start to heal...physically and emotionally.

I had no idea that RE's didn't do D&C's. You'd think they would. So I had to call my OBGYN to ask for a D&C. But I have to SEE the doctor to talk to him about it before they will schedule it. OK, I can understand wanting to see me and make sure of everything. But what's there to talk about? I'm not, I repeat, NOT, doing this naturally. I can't bear the thought of having to wait days for my body to realize there is no more progesterone and to start the process. A process that could take a week or more. No thanks. My heart can't handle that.

I think I'm kinda numb right now. I last cried yesterday afternoon on my way to pick up Lexi from my mom's. Even my mom's sobs didn't cause the tears to flow. Once I saw Lexi, I had complete focus on her. We went to the park and had ourselves a great afternoon. Sleep came easy to me last night...but I think more because I wanted to turn off the world.

This morning is a little more difficult. I had called off work yesterday after I got the news...but I'm back logged in today. Why? I have no idea. Maybe for the distraction?

The one thing that does bring tears to my eyes is something a co-worker sent me via email. She has had miscarriages...she told me that I have my angel here on Earth...but now I also have one in heaven who will look out for us. That thought brings me some comfort.

Monday, November 8, 2010

On a happy note

Lexi made pee pee on the potty tonight. On purpose. Not by accident like her poo poo in the potty times. I had to go, so I took her diaper off and sat her down on her potty while I did my thing...and told her to go pee pee. I didn't think she did anything because she stood up so quickly and closed her lid...but when I looked, sure enough, there was pee pee in her potty! I hate to say that this made my evening...but it did.

It's over

There was no heartbeat today. It's over. I'm to stop meds...I have to decide to do this naturally or schedule a D&C. I'm not sure what I want. I'm just so heartbroken right now.

Today

I go for my scan today. I'm scared to death. Please pray.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Waiting

Thank you everyone for all your kind words...either here or email. I really appreciated all your stories and your hopefulness.

I've decided to wait for another scan on Tuesday, when I'll be 7w6d. If by then the fetal pole hasn't grown and there is no heartbeat, I will have to face facts that this pregnancy is not viable. But right now I can't do that. We've been progressing along "as normal"...just one week behind.

I can't get my RE's negative words out of my head though today. Every little twinge I'm feeling has me wondering "Is this it?" and running to the bathroom for a TP check. Each time, nothing. Thank goodness. I know I need to remain calm and try to stay positive. It's just very hard to do.

I can't believe this is dragging out so long without any answers. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Gloomy sunshine??

Is there such a thing? Well, I'll cut right to the chase. No heartbeat.

My ultrasound tech is the nicest woman around. She scanned me for almost 20 minutes looking for a flicker. She said that the sac is so high in my uterus that it makes it very hard to see. The only good news is that there was a fetal pole, where previously, there wasn't one. I'm measuring in at 6weeks. A week behind. My RE said that in early pregnancy it's normal to be off by 3-5 days...not a whole week.

My RE basically didn't give me any hope. She flat out said that it looks like this isn't working out. But my mind and my heart disagree. I mean, yes, I'm a week behind...but I'm progressing. I went from nothing to gestational sac, to gestational sac with yolk sac, to gestational sac, yolk sac and fetal pole. I asked her if we saw a heartbeat later, like Friday or Monday, does she still think this wouldn't work out. Her answer? Yes.

I don't understand. If I'm progressing why would you call this a miscarriage? If there is a heartbeat (later) why would you tell me it won't work out? She left me with the impression that even if I do see a heartbeat within the next few days that this embryo is probably not healthy and I would lose it later anyway.

I'm left with the decision to either stop my meds now...and basically "call it"...or wait until Monday for another ultrasound to see if a heartbeat is visible. I don't want to delay the inevitable...but I don't want to end it just because I'm measuring a week behind. Even if I do see a heartbeat on Monday...I don't know how I would make it through 33 more weeks. Knowing that my RE thinks this embryo is unhealthy and will die eventually.

I'm unbelievably heartbroken. I cried the entire hour drive home. My DH, God love him, said he would support whatever decision I made. I told him I don't even want to be in a position to make this decision. How does one decide something like this? The worst part about it...I asked her what happens if we don't "wait and see". Her answer was to stop all meds and wait for my body to miscarry naturally. But I keep thinking that the meds I'm on CAN'T be the only thing keeping this embryo alive and growing. Can it?

As of right now, I have no further appointments. I need to decide whether to stop meds and see what happens....or go back Friday or Monday to look again. I'm leaning towards looking again...because I can't bear the thought of this being over.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Doom & Gloom or Sally Sunshine

Tomorrow is THE day. It will either be a very happy day...or a very sad day. I go for another ultrasound tomorrow. We have to see a heartbeat tomorrow, or, according to my RE, this pregnancy will not be viable. I'll be 7 weeks.

I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I know there is nothing I can do that will change what we see tomorrow. There is nothing I could have/should have/would have done differently.

I'm constantly being asked by family how I'm feeling. While my standard answer is fine or normal...what I'm really feeling is apprehension and worry. Physically, I do feel fine. The girls are sore...but that's the progesterone. I'm not nauseous. But I wasn't with Lexi either. I've felt no cramps...had no spotting. Nada. Zilch. Zero. No symptoms that would tell me anything either way. So at 6w6d I'm still in a holding pattern. Still looking for answers...tomorrow, I will get them. Please cross your fingers for me.

A few Halloween photos





Yes, she had a "Pooh dressed as Tigger" candy bag. I bought it for her last year...it actually says Baby's 1st Halloween. Even though this wasn't her first Halloween, I thought it was cute to go with her costume. Plus, it was her 1st trick or treat!

Monday, November 1, 2010

Happy Halloween!

Halloween was fun this year...with the exception of one mishap...but it wasn't a huge deal.

Lexi dressed as Tigger. She was SO adorable in her costume and once in it, couldn't wait to go out. We only went around the block (so maybe to 12 houses) and that was enough for her. She was wiped out by the end. She scored some candy that she'll be able to enjoy, and some that she won't (Snickers bars for one) but in all I think she had fun. We'd go up to the door with her and tell her to knock on the door...and she would, but so lightly that we had to ring the bell as well.

Our mishap...we were about 2 houses away from home when a car pulled up with a bunch of teenagers in it...2 jumped out and stole our candy bowl from our from porch and our neighbors! We had set them out for the kids to "help themselves" while we were out with Lexi. My DH took off after them and retrieved our bowls as they pulled into their driveways. In the meantime, we found one of the kids cell phones in our yard. We had called the police (yes, I was THAT mad) and when he came my DH was back and gave him the address and license plate number of the car. The cop said he would go talk to the parents...that it really was a dumb thing to do. We also gave the cop the phone so he would have "proof" that the kid was "guilty". So as I'm talking to my neighbor the KID COMES BACK LOOKING FOR HIS PHONE! I told him that if he was looking for it, that the cops were going to personally deliver it to his parents. He was all, "what did you do that for". I told him maybe now he'll think twice before stealing people's stuff. His answer? It's just candy. I don't care...you don't steal from little kids! And that bowl was meant for them. If he had run up and emptied it into a bag, that's one thing...though I still would have been mad...but he TOOK THE WHOLE BOWL!

Anyway, I can now laugh at the whole situation...as I think about him trying to explain to his parents why a police officer was returning his cell phone.

Pics of the Tigger will come tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Update

I went this morning for another ultrasound. A 7.1mm sac was seen with a yolk sac. Yay! My RE stated that we need to see a heartbeat by next Wednesday, when I'll be 7weeks. I'm still in the waiting game. But I hope to see that flicker next Wednesday when I go back. Fingers crossed.

Monday, October 25, 2010

23dp3dt - beta #4 and ultrasound

Blood was drawn again this morning for beta #4. Beta #3 was 377...that was Thursday, so 4 days ago. I was hoping for a number around 1200. Beta #4 came back at 1725!!! That more than doubled!! And my ultrasound this morning showed a 6mm sac that "could be a gestational sac but could be just fluid". See below...



I'm still remaining cautiously optimistic...but I feel slightly better that my betas are higher. I have to go back again on Wednesday for another scan and more bloodwork.

Thank you to everyone for all your comments and messages. They really have meant the world to me while we are in limbo. I really feel like I'm on a rollercoaster...unable to be happy...and unable to grieve...because I don't know which way this is going. Your comments and reassurances lean me towards the happy side...and today's appointment leaned me a little closer.

Love you all!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

2ww all over again

I feel like I'm in the 2ww all over again...and I have no clue what the outcome will be. I go back to the doctor tomorrow morning for another ultrasound...and they will also check my hcg levels again. Based on a 377 last Wednesday...I would hope to see my beta somewhere around 1200 or more...since there will be 6 days in between tests. But I guess the ultrasound is going to be the end all be all. I'll be 5w5d tomorrow. If they don't see anything, am I to assume this is a chemical pregnancy? But then why would my levels rise?

I haven't had any spotting...and no real cramping. I say "real" because I have felt twinges on my left side...but nothing that I would say is a cramp. I hate being in limbo. I hate not knowing what's going on inside my body. Am I pregnant or aren't I? The waiting is horrible.

*******************************************************************

On another note, we drop Lexi off at my parent's house tonight. Because of the time of my appointment tomorrow, I won't be able to drop her off in the morning. She will be staying until Wednesday when my mom will bring her back. 3 nights without her. I'm so sad.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Happy Birthday to me

Today I turn 34 years old...not old by any stretch...but as we all know...in the land of IF, I only have one more year before that sticker gets placed on my file that reads "ADVANCED MATERNAL AGE". I was hoping (am hoping) that this baby would complete our family with a few months to spare.

DH and I talked last night about what we will do if this doesn't work out for the best. Obviously, we no longer have any insurance coverage for meds. But we still have coverage for procedures. He offered to sell his Mustang...a "toy" that he bought last year after he sold his motorcycle...to pay for meds. I'm touched that he would be willing to do that...but I don't know if I can do this again. The physical part isn't hard on me. Sure, I was borderline OHSS this cycle...but we had it under control. I felt crappy for a few days, but I wouldn't say it was HARD on me. It's the emotional toll that IVF takes on me that is the hardest. The hoping, the waiting, the possibilities.

I look at Lexi and I'm so very grateful that I have her in my life...and I think, why can't I just be happy with one? I could be. At least I think I could be. But I WANT her to have a sibling. Someone to play with, someone to confide her secrets in. My neighbor has 3 kids, ages 5, 3 and 5 months. The oldest 2 are girls...and when I see them together, I think, that's what I want for my daughter.

Anyway, my thoughts are all over the place. Thank you to whomever submitted me to the LFCA...it's appreciated more than you can ever know.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Good news and Bad News

Well, the good news is there is nothing visible in my tubes.

The bad news is there is nothing visible in my uterus either.

My RE still seems hopeful. My lining was nice and thick at 10mm...but there was no visible gestational sac. I'm 5w1d today. She said normally between 5w and 5w5d is when the gestational sac is visible. But the fact that my hcg levels are still low is cause for some concern. Not crazy concern...but some.

We're hoping at this point that since we did transfer 2 back that one started implanting right away, which gave me the positive hpt so early, but didn't make it...and that the other one started implanting late and that's why we can't see a sac yet. She said to remain cautiously optimistic...but that's so hard to do.

I keep thinking that: if only we hadn't said anything to anyone...if only I didn't miss that morning's progesterone suppository...if only I had rested more after transfer...if only I had been more excited about this cycle...if only I hadn't been so consumed with how Lexi would take to being a big sister...that maybe we'd have a different outcome.

I know that's silly. In my head I know that there is nothing I could have done differently. Nothing that I did caused this to happen. But tell that to my heart. It was so hard lying on the table being wanded...the tears just started. My u/s tech, Patty, is so nice. She told me there was no reason for tears yet. That things COULD still work out.

I'm trying to hold out hope that she's right...that when I go back on Monday there will be the start of a sac...but it's not an easy feat. I'm leaving my ticker up for now. If I have to take it down next week, it will be replaced by something to remember this cycle by. I'm still PUPO. I just have to remember that.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

18dp3dt - Beta #3

Blood was drawn for beta #3 this morning. 377. It didn't double. They want me to come in tomorrow for an ultrasound to see what's going on. My P4 went down a little, but is still above 20. It was 22.something. I was barely listening after I heard the 377. My heart dropped. I'm so sad...this isn't suppose to happen.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Dear Baby

I know you're barely 3 weeks old at this point in your gestation, but I really hope you decide to stay for the next 36 weeks. You would have a wonderful big sister who would love you like crazy. Your daddy already talks about his hope that you're a boy and all the things he will teach you. And me...well, my heart is already yours little one.

I'm very scared that things aren't going the way they should. I know I shouldn't compare you to my pregnancy with your sister, but it's all I know, and I can't help it.

Please, please, please release a bunch more hcg for my blood test tomorrow. Mommy would LOVE to see a big increase.

Love you already,

Mommy

Monday, October 18, 2010

Beta #2 - 16dp3dt

OK...so now I'm a little nervous. Beta #2 came back at 221. My second beta with Lexi was well over 1000. My current doubling time is 76.88 hours. Lexi's doubling time was 32.46 hours. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it. Is a 76 hour doubling time good?

Confession

So I have a confession to make...and I'm quite embarrassed to admit it. But I have to know if I'm all alone or not. So I tried to POAS again this morning...because ya know it's repeat beta day...and I completely missed the stick. Who misses while POAS? Me, that's who. I honestly didn't even realize I missed until I went to check it after I got ready for work...and there were NO lines. Not one line...NO LINES. BECAUSE I MISSED THE STICK! OMG! I was mortified. The only thing I have to say for myself is that it was 5am and I was half asleep still.
PS...I did manage to pee on the same stick when I got to work (yes I POAS at work) and still got 2 lines.
And a random pic from this weekend's Boo at the Zoo. Lexi and her cousins.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

BFP

My nurse just called. My hcg came back at 93.9 and my progesterone was 24.9. My progesterone is higher than it was with Lexi...but my hcg is lower. But they like anything over 50. So most likely if all progresses, there will only be one. I go back on Monday for my repeat beta and then again on Wednesday. Keeping fingers crossed that everything doubles appropriately.

YAY!!!!!!!!

12dp3dt - BETA DAY!

Today is THE day. BETA day! I went this morning to have my blood drawn...and unlike my cycle 2 years ago, I already have my answer in the form of 2 positive HPTs. This beta number will just give me a tiny idea of whether I should be thinking one or two. My hcg at 12dp3dt with Lexi was 137. I'll be comparing when I get my numbers. I'm excited because this will be the "official" word that we are indeed expecting. We will tell our parents and my sister. I purchased a "Big Sister" shirt for Lexi to wear. I'll take her picture in it, and send it to them via email along with some of the pumpkin farm photos and see who realizes first. LOL.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Lexi's 18 month checkup

Lexi had her 18 month checkup today...

Height - 31 1/4 inches
Weight - 21lbs 5.5 ozs
Head - 44.7 cm

She grew about an inch and a half, but only gained a few ounces. The doctor is not concerned about this. He said at this age, they put more energy in getting taller than gaining weight. The good thing was he didn't disagree with my decision to take most dairy out of Lexi's diet. With whole milk, Lexi was constipated, which meant she wouldn't eat or sleep. She wasn't a happy girl. She was on Miralax and an anti reflux med.

Now? She's not on any meds. She poops on her own. She sleeps ALL night...about 11 - 12 hours each night. She EATS! She still has her days that she doesn't eat very much...but then there are days when she packs it away. The other day, she ate a whole P0rtillos hot dog...bun and all in one sitting, plus french fries. Now you might think that's nothing...but for her, that's huge...escpecially since it's only been in the last few weeks that she'll even entertain eating meat.

I'm so happy that I made the decision to put her on Almond Milk. It's really changed her. She's so much happier now...and so are we.

11dp3dt - 1 day till beta

I POAS again this morning with FMU. The line is darker. I'm happy it's darker. I've had some brown discharge yesterday and today. Nothing that freaked me out...but enough that I noticed. It looks like this cycle actually worked...but until I see that hearbeat(s?) I'm staying cautiously optimistic. Beta is tomorrow.






Monday, October 11, 2010

My resolve broke - 3 days til beta

This cycle I don't have the resolve I did last time. I broke down and tested. I'm 9dp3dt. The line is faint, but it's there. Obviously, in person it's so much more clear that in the photos. I know my beta is still 3 days away. With Lexi, on 12dp3dt, my hcg was only 137...so this test is 3 days earlier. I'm cautiously optimistic right now. Do you see the line?

Oh, and if you know me on FB...please don't say anything. We're not telling anyone until we at least see a heartbeat...like we did before.





To test or not to test

I'm waivering. Hubby seems to want me to POAS. He asked this morning if I was going to "cheat" today. I want to know. But I'm nervous. A blood draw is so much more clinical...so much easier to "seperate" from. Not sure what to do...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Friday, October 8, 2010

6dp3dt

I know I haven't talked much about this cycle. And to tell the truth, it's because I haven't really thought about it. I hate to say that I've just been going about life as usual...but I have. I haven't been thinking about those 2 perfect embies that were transferred back to me. Well, not much anyway. We were on vacation from work this week...so we've been hanging with Lexi and spending as much time as possible with her, since when we're working our time with her is limited.

So now that I've had a few minutes to actually absorb that we transferred 2 perfect embies last Saturday, I'm kind of in shock. Shock that I even had 2 embies. Then thoughts start running into...what if they both implant and we have twins??!! OMG! I don't know what I think about that. Right now, I'm just going about life as usual. My beta is scheduled for Thursday, October 14th. I'm off work until the 12th...Lexi's 18 month appointment is the 13th...so I'll remain busy until then.

I was slightly tempted this week when we stopped at the store to pick up some tests...but I resolved last time that I wouldn't POAS, and I think I'm going to go with that again. I mean, hey, it worked out pretty well last time didn't it?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

4dp3dt

And I haven't really been thinking about whether this worked or not. We're on vacation this week...and we've been doing alot of toddler friendly activities, which has kept my mind off what is or isn't going on inside my uterus. I'm still trying to think positive.

So far this week, we've taken Lexi to the children's museum, pumpkin farm and bounce house. Pics forthcoming.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Happy Anniversary

5 years ago today I married my best friend. I love you more than ever babe!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Coinsidences

Some ironic things from Lexi's cycle and this one:

Both retrievals were done on Wednesdays.
Both transfers were done on Saturdays.
Both retrievals were done by the same doctor, Dr R.
Both transfers were done by the same doctor, Dr S.
Lexi was a "perfect" grade 1, 8 celled embryo
We transferred 2, grade 1, 8 celled embryos

1dp3dt

and I'm exhausted. I haven't moved from the couch with the exception of feeding Lexi and changing her. Luckily, she's very into books lately, so she brings me book after book and we read them together on the couch. Right now, she's sitting in her little recliner with a Curious George book...still in her monkey footie pajamas. Hey, we're on vacation this week.

So this week, here's what we're planning...whether or not we do it is another story:

*Pumpkin farm - hay rides, corn maze, corn pit, and of course picking pumpkins!
*Children's Museum - have been wanting to take her for the longest...she's finally old enough to really enjoy it...plus, we get in free.
*Aquarium - again, been dying to take her. And again, we get in free
*Zoo - they haven't started their Boo at the Zoo just yet...but we still might go. We're members, so again, it's free

Notice a trend there? We're trying to spend as little money as we can while still enjoying ourselves.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Transfer

Just got back from transfer...I'm PUPO...we transferred 2 grade one 8 celled embryos. I'm speechless. Both embies made it to transfer...and both were "perfect".

I can't believe it.

Friday, October 1, 2010

So far, so good

I just got a call from the nurse. Both embryos made it through the night and are where they should be. I couldn't hold the tears back. I'm so happy, but apprehensive as well. Happy that my embies survived the night...but still nervous...they have one more night they have to get through. Transfer is scheduled for 8:30am tomorrow.

Please continue to pray and think positive thoughts for me!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Fert Report

is less than stellar. Of the 25 eggs, 22 were able to be ICSI'd....and we have 2 embryos. Yes, you read that right...2. I'm so sad right now. I mean, I know it only takes one...Lexi is living proof of that...but I'm afraid these 2 may not make it to transfer on Saturday. Last time, of the 4 that fertilized day 1, 3 arrested.

I know I need to stay positive. I'm trying. It's just hard.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

ER

25 eggs retrieved. Going to bed now.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Trigger

Trigger went off without a hitch at 8pm last night. I'll admit, I was a little nervous about that 2 inch needle again...but I barely felt it. DH is a pro at these IM injections...well, for now...ask me again in 2 weeks (or 12 weeks?).

I'm very nervous about ER tomorrow. I shouldn't be, since this is my 3rd go around...but I've never had my E2 levels be so high. And I'm always nervous about the fert report. For anyone new...my first IVF had 22 eggs retrieved, 17 mature, 0 fertilize. My second IVF had 22 eggs retrieved, 16 mature, 4 fertilized, 1 made it to transfer (Lexi). So we don't "luck" out in the fert area.

Well, I'm going to try to stay positive...

Monday, September 27, 2010

Good new and Bad News

The Good News...

I just got the call from my nurse...I'm triggering tonight at 8pm exactly. ER is Wednesday morning at 7am! I am the first case!! No more stims!!

The Bad News...

My E2 is over 4200...I'm being prescribed a drug to help combat the OHSS (I can't remember the name, will post it later)

Please pray that ER goes smoothly and that I don't develop OHSS.

So close

**Warning - Whiney post ahead**


I'm so done. Sooooooo done. I feel like crap. I've been fighting a cold (actually bronchitis I think) for almost 2 weeks now. And I'm a hormone ravaged crazy woman. I've been on Lupron for 26 days now...and stims for 12. As of yesterday, my E2 was over 2500. And my RE still thinks I might go one more day (tonight) on stims before triggering. I'm tired. I want this to be over already. I want to trigger and go to retrieval so my E2 can start coming down. An E2 over 2500 puts me at risk for OHSS. I don't want to deal with that.


So as of yesterday I have 39 measurable follicles. 16 on the left and 23 on the right. Of those, 29 are greater than 12mm...with my largest at 16.5. I didn't ask this morning what my largest was...

I feel irritable and grouchy...I don't want to deal with the outside world, but I'm stuck in the office. Maybe I'll run and buy some pretzels and gatorade...since I've been told to increase my salt and fluid levels...lovely.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Monitoring

My E2 jumped up to 642 yesterday...largest follie was 13mm. My RE expects that I will stim until Saturday and possibly trigger on Sunday night...which would make retrieval on Tuesday morning.

******************

Lexi is back home. She spent Monday and Tuesday night at her Grandma's house. It was odd not having her at home. I missed her like crazy. When she got out of the car yesterday evening, she ran up to me with her arms outstretched. I picked her up and she put her head on my shoulder and patted my back. Almost like she knew I missed her so much. She then ran to DH and did the same (minus the head on shoulder and back pat).

Grandma took her to the children's museum and she had SO much fun...DH and I will have to take her back when we're off work in 2 weeks!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Monitoring

Just for my records...my E2 on Saturday was 104...today was 302. Continuing dosages as indicated:

Follistim - 225IU
Menopur - 75IU in 1ml
Lupron - 5IU

Next appt is Wednesday, 9/22 at 7:30am.

Monitoring & Hives

I've had 2 monitoring appointments for this cycle. Neither one was anything to shout from the rooftops about. Just your typical wanding and needle stick. I have a bunch of small follicles on both sides...the largest being 10mm this morning. Not too bad considering I've only been stimming for 5 days. I usually run about 12 days.

Why does no one tell IF patients that the 900IU Follistim cartridge that you pay $720 for actually contains roughly 1025IUs? I remember learning this last cycle 2 years ago...but at that point insurance was paying for the drugs...now that it's coming out of MY pocket, I'm all about shouting it from the rooftops that THERE IS EXTRA IN THE CARTRIDGE! USE IT ALL!!! I'm taking 225IU per night...so after 4 nights I would have used the 900IU cartridge. Well I managed to get a little more than 125IU out of that "empty" cartridge last night!

***********************************************

Lexi has hives. She woke up Saturday morning with these ugly red splotches on the backs of her legs and butt that looked like mosquito bites, but had red "rims" throughout. A quick trip to the pedi found that they were hives. We have no idea what is causing them...her diet hasn't changed, she hasn't gotten any new foods...pedi said it could be a virus that she is fighting that is causing them as well. Most likely this is the culprit as I was sick with a respiratory bug last Wed - Fri. Gave her some Benadryl and they cleared up...but they keep coming back. Anyone else's kid get hives from a virus? How long did they keep coming back for?

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Baseline #2

I went this morning again for another round of bloodwork and an ultrasound. U/S showed that my cyst shrunk from 31mm to 12mm. So I'm hoping that it's not wrecking havoc with my hormones anymore and we can start stims tonight.

I'm still bleeding. Today is day 12 of AF...totally normal from what I'm told. Just annoying.

I'm also coming down with a cold or something. My throat is scratchy and I have a post nasal drip (not fun). Just what I need. Must be the sudden change in the weather. Really...we went from 90s and humid one week to 70s and cool the next.

In other news, Lexi ate HALF A HOT DOG on Monday night. This, from a child who refused ALL meats. I was SO HAPPY. Well, I was until I went upstairs and saw that my youngest dog chewed a hole in my down comforter and there were feathers everywhere! Do you know how hard it is to clean up down? At 10 at night? Without waking the toddler next door? Yeah...not fun.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Stressing

I'm stressed today. I have lots on my mind. Some of it I have no control over, so I shouldn't be stressing about it...but I am. It's how I am.

  • DH blew a spark plug in his truck. It's currently in the shop getting fixed. $250 we weren't planning on spending.
  • His truck is a 1997 with over 100K miles on it. We can't afford a new car right now. This car needs to last awhile longer.
  • Finances are tight right now. Hence my stress about the above.
  • We just spent $1000 on fertility drugs. $1000 that we weren't expecting to spend since I didn't think my lifetime max was that close to being maxed.
  • DH's day off is changing. Normally, he is off on Tuesdays. So I take Lexi to my mom's on Monday. DH has her Tuesday, and then my mom comes out Wed - Fri to watch her. This schedule has worked for us for the past year. Now, he's off on Wednesdays and has to work Tuesdays. I have no idea what I'm going to do for childcare on Tuesdays. Right now, I'm using my company's backup childcare program...but that's not a permenant fix.
  • I interviewed for a new job last week. At another company. The interview went really well and I should hear something this week. The upside is that the pay would be about $6500 more per year than I make now. The downside? I don't know if they cover infertility services via their insurance, I don't know how long their maternity leave is (I've since heard it's 6 weeks...I get 12 weeks at this company) or how long you have to work their to be eligible, I don't know if they offer backup daycare. The HR rep said she would find all these things out for me. But right now, I'm stressing about whether or not I should accept the job if it's offered to me based solely on the fact that I would get a rather large raise. This is the thing I know I shouldn't stress over because I don't even know if they are going to offer me the job.
  • I'm still spotting. This is unheard of for me. AF is usually only 3 - 4 days max. I've been spotting since Sept 3rd. Full flow was Sept 5th, 6th and 7th. This is driving me crazy.
  • TMI Alert: I feel like I may have a yeast infection. Don't know if I can use any of those OTC medications while I'm on the Lupron...anyone know?

Friday, September 10, 2010

Happy 17 months!

Dearest Lexi,


Today you turn 17 months old. 17 months. Wow. You are no longer my little baby...but instead my sweet, precious little girl. I love coming home to you each night and seeing your face light up with that amazing smile you have.


While you still aren't talking...you make your needs and wants known. Your new thing is to grab our hand and walk us to the freezer and pull on the handle to open it. What's in there? Popsicles. You know they are there and when you want one, you let us know. But I wish you would start using words, as sometimes you get frustrated with us when we don't immediately understand your gestures.


We've managed to get your poops under control. The answer? No more whole milk and limited dairy. You get Almond Milk and no more yogurt. You still eat cheese in moderation...and yesterday had some of my cheesecake...but that's the extent of your dairy consumption. And you no longer need Miralax to help things along. And you are sleeping all night. And you are eating. Well, still only eating limited things...but this month you willingly took a piece of ham off my plate and ate it. That was the first time you EVER ate meat willingly. We're making sure to keep offering it to you, but you tend to not even touch it.


As far as favorite foods go...macaroni and cheese remains at the top...along with spaghetti, rotini, pizza, squash, broccoli, waffles, blueberry pancakes, peaches, oranges, grapes, blueberries, cherries, bananas, teddy grahams and veggie straws. Oh, and popsicles. Can't forget those.


You've been all about books this month. Wanting us to read to you, or sitting on your own reading. You LOVE books. I'm so happy you do, as I love to read as well. You also love to play outside and at the playground. You aren't keen on the swings, but love the slides.


I can never tell you enough how much I love you Alexis. You are my miracle...I'd go to the ends of the Earth for you.

Love always,

Mommy

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Damn cyst

My estrogen levels are 244...my RE likes them below 60 before starting stims. So I'll be suppressing for the next week with more Lupron. I'm to increase to 20 units as opposed to the 10 I was doing. My next appointment is next Wednesday at 7am.

UUGGHHH!

CD1 (4 days later)

Sorry I didn't post all weekend. We had a lovely lazy weekend enjoying the amazing fall like weather bestowed on us.

So AF actually came "Full Flow" on Sunday morning. And being that my RE's office was closed on Monday, I couldn't report it until yesterday...while I was already 2 hours away at work...so I went this morning for my bloodword and ultrasound. U/S showed a residual cyst on my right side...whether or not we start stims tonight all hinges on whether the cyst is producing estrogen or not. If it is, it's a few more days of Lupron and another wanding before we can start.

So I'm currently waiting to see if we can start or not.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Meds have arrived

Most of my meds arrived this morning. The only ones I'm still waiting on are the 2 F0llistim cartridges I'm paying out of pocket for. Those were ordered this morning and will be delivered on Wednesday. It was painful to give the rep my credit card number...but I'm determined to remain positive and optimistic for this cycle.

Looking back at my posts from last time...I didn't have a photo of all the meds...so I'm hoping to get one this time. At least then I can show my child (children) all the drugs their mom took to get them here.

Friday, September 3, 2010

More bad news

As if the meds thing wasn't enough...my friend just called. Her betas have dropped, but slowly. She has a D&C scheduled for 6:45 tomorrow morning. My heart is breaking for her.

I know I have to remain positive...I'm trying. Today I will let myself wallow. Tomorrow is another day.

This will be our very last IVF attempt

I know I was all hunky doory on my last post about being satisfied with just my daughter if this cycle doesn't work...but that was before I knew that THIS will be our LAST cycle. Now, I'm crushed.

I was fortunate enough to have insurance coverage for both procedures and meds...albeit I had a maximum allowable benefit. Well, with this cycle's meds, I've hit the maximum allowed for medications. Actually, not all my meds are being covered this cycle. I'm paying for 2 F0llistim cartridges out of pocket. My insurance wants $857 each. I managed to find them for $720.

I'm in tears right now. I don't know how all you women who paid for everything OOP do it. The money isn't the issue, well I guess it kinda is, since being OOP now means that we won't be trying again after this. It's funny that I still have all this benefit available for procedures...but it's the meds that I'm maxed out on. Alot of the benefit (almost half) was used up by my very first cycle in 2007. Lexi's cycle was less than half what the first one was.

The thought that this will be the very last try...the last attempt...really bothers me. I mean, sure, we could cycle again...but the OOP expense would be more than we could afford. I should be happy I have Lexi. But right now, I'm sad. She was a miracle...the only embryo to survive to day 3. The only embryo I had to transfer. What are the chances that 2 miracles would be bestowed upon me? I'm sorry. I'm just so sad right now. I can't even think...

I don't remember this happening last time

I seem to be starting my period today. Which is odd. Today is only CD25. I took my last bcp last night with my 2nd Lupron shot. TMI Alert...I mean I'm not full flow yet, but by the way I feel, it will be by this evening.

This is from Lexi's cycle:

7/23/08 - last bcp, 1st Lupron
8/1/08 - 1st stim shot
8/11/08 - trigger
8/13/08 - ER
8/16/08 - ET

So from the above I would think it's safe to say that AF did NOT arrive the day after my last bcp. I mean it was a whole 10 days between 1st Lupron and 1st stim. I'm not sure I should call in today as CD1 or what. I wish I had more info from last cycle to refer to...

Could the saline ultrasound I had done on the 1st have "kicked started" AF??

Thursday, September 2, 2010

1st shot is in da belly

I took my first shot of Lupron last night. Gosh, it was a weird experience. I felt like I was having deja vu, but at the same time, it was different. The last 2 times I started this process I felt like everything was riding on that cycle. This time is different. This time, after I shot myself up, I went downstairs...picked up my daughter and gave her a huge hug. This time I don't feel like everything is at stake. I have Lexi. If she's the only child I ever have, I will be satisfied.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

IVF#3 is underway

Holy cow have things moved fast...I went today for my saline ultrasound. All looked good in my ute. Hubby and I signed all the consent forms and he had his infectious disease bloodwork done. As we were waiting, our nurse, Shannon, says to me that since tomorrow is my last bcp she will no my baseline today and I'm to start Lupron TONIGHT! OMG! Really??

Picking up the drug from the pharmacy was a surreal experience. I was sad to be doing it in the sense of needing IVF to have a baby...but also for my daughter. Is 2 years enough time to spend with her and her alone? Will she resent a new baby? Will she resent me when she's older for not spending more time with just her? I don't know. I'm still struggling with how will I love another child as much as I love Lexi? I already feel like my heart is bursting with love...I'm not sure how much more can fit, if you know what I mean.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited as anything to be starting this cycle and having a chance to add to our family. I just don't feel 100% ready...but don't think I ever really would feel 100% ready. I just know that I want another child. I want a sibling for Lexi to grow and play with. I want that experience for her. So tonight, as I shoot myself up with Lupron, I'll be thinking of the child to come...and my baby that's here.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Friend update

My friend's hcg levels have dropped. Her doctor doesn't believe this is a viable pregnancy. She has one more beta to check and an u/s to look for a heartbeat...but it looks like she is going to lose this pregnancy. My heart aches for her. She was SO excited. I never imagined that she would experience this. If I could take her pain I would in a heartbeat. She doesn't deserve this...no one does.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Prayers please

If you are friends with me on FB then you know I asked for prayers for a friend who is going through a huge uncertainty. I didn't want to "out" her there as to what is gooing on...

About 3 weeks ago, K got a BFP. Her first. So based on her LMP she shoukd be about 9 or 10 weeks now. She went this past Wednesday for her first ultrasound. They could see the sac and fetal pole...but no heartbeat. Her beta that day was 11,000. Well, yesterday she started bleeding. She went to the ER, and still no heartbeat. Her beta increased to 15,000, but the tech said she was only measuring around 6 weeks. Her progesterone levels were only an 11 as well. She was sent home on pelvic rest with a progesterone suppository prescription.

She is obviously nervous and upset. I spent most of last night trying to answer questions she had and comfort her. I believe in the power of prayer...so if you could say one for my friend K, I would greatly appreciate it....and so would she.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Weekend in Pics

We went to the beach on Saturday night. Lexi got a little TOO bold and fell face first into the water. She got up on her own with this expression.

On the beach.

We went to the zoo on Sunday.


We saw the dolphin show




she rode the merry go round



And we saw the pretty butterflies!

Monday, August 23, 2010

Thoughts on cloth diapering

I have been cloth diapering Lexi for about 2 months now. I only wish we had made the switch sooner.

When I was pregnant with Lexi, I had told DH that I wanted to cloth diaper. He was onboard for both the economical and environmental reasons I gave. Now, I will fully admit, I had NO CLUE when it came to cloth. I googled "cloth diaper service" and was given really only one option. A service that would bring diapers (prefolds now that I know the terms) every week and pick up the dirty ones every week. The thought of NOT having to wash diapers was really appealing. But the more I thought about it...the less I really wanted to pay a monthly service fee...I mean, I could buy disposables for just a little more each month. So I dropped the idea.

We used Fisher Price Happy Days and Happy Nights almost exclusively from the time Lexi was about 2 months old (when they first came out) until about 2 months ago, when we began the transition to cloth. Though the FP diapers are still my number one choice for disposables for when we travel...and Lexi still wears a Happy Night disposable to bed each night. When I finally made the decision to switch...I felt like a new mom all over again. I still had NO CLUE when it came to cloth. All I knew was that there were other options out there that weren't prefolds...and I only knew that because I read about them from all the cloth diapering mommy bloggers out there. So I started looking online. And got overwhelmed. So many options. So many different styles. How would I ever pick the "right one"? Luckily, there is a cloth diaper store, Cutie Poops & Bottoms, not far from my parent's house, so I made a trip there.

Walking into this store was like walking into another world. I was bombarded with styles and options...pockets, prefolds, all in ones, one size, fitted, covers etc etc etc. But the women who worked there must have seen the fear in my eyes and demonstrated each diaper on a doll for me so I knew what my options were. I walked out with a Thirsties pocket diaper, a Fuzzi Bunz pocket diaper, 12 prefolds, and a Thirsties diaper cover. I was SURE I would want to use the prefolds. HA! They currently reside in my ottoman...my mom uses them on Lexi. They are just too complicated for me.

So needless to say, I don't use the Thirsties diaper cover. I also choose the Thirsties pocket diaper last out of my growing stash. I'm not fond of the velcro. The laundry tabs rub on Lexi's skin and cause red marks. But I LOVE the Fuzzi Bunz pocket diapers. I currently only have 4 (yes, I'm washing EVERY night) but use them daily (along with the G diapers with the cloth inserts I have). I just ordered 2 more FB pockets and decided to try 2 Happy Heiny pockets. They have yet to arrive so I can't say how well I like them or dislike them.

I really want to try all in ones...but can't seem to find any that are one size and have snaps. Am I missing them in my viewing of the websites?

All in all, I'm glad we are slowing moving to only cloth. The nighttime will be the last diaper to transition. Lexi sometimes soaks through a cloth a naptime...so I can't imagine how wet she'd be overnight. I still buy disposables...for the days we travel to the zoo or don't want to have to lug home a bag of dirty diapers (and let's face it, I don't have enough yet to do that)...but they last alot longer.

My newly pregnant girlfriend is thinking about using cloth. She, like me, only knew of the prefolds of our babyhood. I'm slowly exposing her to all the different options out there.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Diapers and Coats

I pulled out Lexi's coats from last winter...just to get an idea of what I have to buy (yes, I know it's only August...but c'mon...Halloween costumes are out already (Lexi will be Tigger!)). Can you believe that her coats still fit her? I had purchased 12 month sizes last year...and while they were a little loose on her, I didn't think they would still fit. But, they do. Not sure if that is a good thing.

I ordered more cloth diapers today from Kelly's Closet. 2 Fuzzi Bunz, which we have been using for the last few months and 2 Happy Heiny's. I've not tried Happy Heiny's yet so I'm excited for them to come. I'm such a nerd...cloth diapers excite me.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

I know I shouldn't do this

but I can't help it. Is it wrong that I've pulled all the dates from our successful IVF in 2008 and "mapped" out what this cycle should "look like" if everything remains as it was then? Like, I know when my first Lupron shot "should" be. When ER "should" be. When ET "should" be. Even when my beta should fall. If all goes well, my beta will be while I'm off work for a week, but towards the end of the week.

I know I'm setting myself up for disappointment here...though I guess there is really no harm in guesstimating when things will happen. You could say the planner in me wants to know. But that would be a lie. The real reason? Well, with all the above info...I can calculate an EDD. Yes, I know...shame on me.

Talk me down people...talk me down!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Happy 3rd Blogoversary to me

It's hard to believe that I've been blogging for 3 years. 3 years of incessant ramblings. 3 years of ups...3 years of downs. In these 3 years I've went from someone who was afraid she'd never be a mother...of feeling like a failure, to someone who sees herself in a 16 month old precocious little girl...who feels like nothing else matters in the world when she looks up at me with her big blue eyes.

It seems ironic that August 13th is the day I chose to share my thoughts with the world 3 years ago. On this date 2 years ago, I was undergoing the egg retrieval that would result in my daughter. Today, I begin birth control pills for what will hopefully be another successful cycle.

And while August 13th is just another day to most people...it's a day that will always be special to me.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

RE Appointment

I had my RE appointment today. It was what I expected. I met with the doc for about 20 minutes and we discussed my last pregnancy and Lexi's birth. We also talked about the protocol and the fact that it worked for me...so no need to change anything there. Then she asked when my last period was...and can you believe I was able to tell her last Tuesday? Yep, that's right. The gods threw a bone my way and my appointment actually fell on CD3. So I had my blood drawn and my ultrasound done right away. And can I just say...OW! I don't remember the dildocam hurting so much. The tech had to actually press on my stomach to get a good view my ovaries. I guess everything hasn't gone back to "normal" since Lexi's birth. I received a pak of bc pills and will find out tomorrow if I'm clear to start them. DH has to have an SA done and his infectious disease blood work as well. And I have a saline US scheduled for Sept 1st. I also brought home all the legal paperwork today.

So....Oh. My. God. We are actually starting another cycle! My mind is in a fog right now. I didn't expect to be having CD3 bw done today...things are moving quickly. I'm both happy, nervous and anxious about that. But in a good way. Oh. My. God.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

16 months

Dear Lexi,

Happy 16 months sweet girl! Mommy doesn't even know what to say...16 months already. You are 16 months going on 16 years! Your little personality has blossomed. You are independent and want to do things all by yourself, but always look to see if Mommy or Daddy are there watching. You are strong willed. And even though you don't have any words yet, you know exactly how to get your point across.

We've been using cloth diapers for a little over a month now...and I can't believe we didn't make the switch sooner. I love them. And I think you do as well. You've switched to Almond Milk as the therapist believes your constipation may be the result of a food intolerance to dairy. It's been almost 2 weeks, and I haven't really noticed a difference, but you will drink the Almond Milk cold...something you wouldn't do with whole milk.

You went on your second vacation this month. Wisconsin Dells was allot of fun and you thoroughly enjoyed the water parks, the Ducks, feeding the Deer, even the Jet Boat...which I might add you SLEPT through! Crazy girl.

You are eating better this month. We haven't offered you any baby food...everything these last few weeks has been finger foods that you feed yourself. Could that have been the issue? Who knows.

So, we've had a talk, you and I. About the possibility of a brother or sister for you. What do you think? I know you love babies...every time you see one on TV you point and make a noise that I can only interpret as "look". Mommy has mixed emotions. I want so badly for you to have a sibling to grow up with and play with. But is 16 months enough time as "my only"? I don't think you care at this point in your life, it's Mommy that needs to work out the "mommy guilt" issues.

All I can say to you is that no matter what happens in the future. Whether you remain "my only" or not. Whether you remain my angel, or turn into a holy terror. Whether you become a doctor, or decide college isn't for you. I will love you. I will always love you.

Love,

Mommy

Monday, August 9, 2010

Misc Ramblings

  • Lexi has been eating better. When we went to the Dells, I didn't take any baby food, so she was "forced" to eat table food. Though she still prefers mac n cheese and spaghetti and won't eat meats

  • I tricked her yesterday and gave her spaghetti squash instead of regular spaghetti. She didn't seem to notice the difference

  • Lexi doesn't like hummus. Enough said

  • My girlfriend stopped over on Saturday. She was showing me pictures on her camera of her flooded yard from when we were on vacation...the last picture was of her in a T Shirt that said "Bun in the Oven". Yep, she's expecting. Due in late March/early April sometime. I'm happy for her and her DH. But her news made me want a newborn again even more.
  • I'm happy I get to look at this face everyday and that I was able to spend a whole week with my little one.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Vacation 2010

We took a few days to head up to Wisconsin Dells this past weekend for some waterpark fun. I haven't been there in 20+ years, so it was amazing to see how different it is now. Different but still fun. Lexi was great in the car for the 3 1/2 hour ride going up there...happily playing with her Auntie who joined us. She slept the entire trip home. I guess all the lack of naps and sleep at night caught up to her. She didn't like sleeping in the hotel crib...waking up both nights at 3am screaming until we brought her in our bed. She has slept all night since we've been home (2 nights now). Here are some photos



Wiped out after a day at Mt Olympus


Riding a mechanical bull at the Deer Park

Riding on the original Wisconsin Ducks


Going down the waterslide all by herself


Chillaxin in the toddler pool at Mt Olympus


Waterpark fun


Sound asleep on the JET boat!

Feeding goats at Mt Olympus


Feeding the deer at the Deer Park


Feeding the deer at the Deer Park