Monday, November 15, 2010

Hard

Today is hard. I'm back at work after having been off all last week. And I thought that having the distractions of work would be a plus...but I'm finding that I really have no motivation to be here. Everything seems so petty...and inconsequential. I hate to say this, but I'm feeling exactly like I was when I first came back from maternity leave. All I want to do is be at home with Lexi.

I'm very sad...some of my co-workers know what happened...but none of them have acknowledged it. I take that back. One person did, and though I cried when she did, it felt good to have her acknowledge that a life was lost. Some may say that since we never saw a heartbeat, that there was no life lost. But I disagree. A life WAS lost...and I may never know if this child was a boy or girl, if it would have looked like me or my DH. I will never touch or hold this child...but he/she WAS there. I can't act as if nothing happened...because it did.

Not only was my child taken from me...but all the hopes and dreams that I had for this child were taken as well.

6 comments:

Familyoftwo said...

You are 100% correct, you lost a baby heart beat seen or not. Your baby will always be a part of you, and while I'm not overtly religious I know that some day you will hold your baby and touch him or her and you will know who that baby looks like...and most importantly your child will know he or she was and is loved.r

Photogrl said...

Not having people acknowledge your loss hurts. A lot. Many don't know what to say, or will say hurtful things, thinking it's the right thing to say.

A life was lost, your child's. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Praying for you and wishing you some peace...

((HUGS))

Patience said...

Here from LFCA

I am so sorry for your loss. I recently experienced a loss after our final IVF. It was so hard when people didn't acknowledge that it was a loss. My heart goes out to you.

Miss Ruby said...

I've endured 8 miscarriages and I've NEVER seen a heartbeat but 8 lives were still lost, I still lost 8 babies.

I think NOT seeing a heartbeat is actually worse than seeing one and losing a baby because you're not only grieving the loss of the child/pregnancy/hope for the future but you're also grieving for what you didn't get to experience.

I envy those who have seen their child's heartbeat, that's not something I've ever been blessed to have seen and now possibly never will.

I hope each new day brings you a little more peace.

xxx

justine said...

This life was, and always will be, very real ... no one can take that from you, or change it. We are here to witness that reality, and grieve with you. *hugs* to you today.

Cajun Cutie said...

Sending warm thoughts and love your way. Here from the Lost and Found
-Anla