Friday, December 10, 2010

4 weeks

Today, I should be 12w2d pregnant...instead, it's the 4 week mark since my D&C. It's hard to believe that I would be entering my 2nd trimester soon...possibly sporting a small baby bump. I can't help but think about those things. Those "I should be's".

No one asks anymore how I am. It's almost as if it didn't happen. It's almost as if I'm the only player in a nightmare. Alone. That's really how I've been feeling. Utterly alone. Even DH doesn't talk about it. The only person I feel I can talk to about it is Lexi. Funny huh? Talking to a 20 month old about their lost sibling. But I find comfort in showing her the ornament that hangs on the tree to remember her baby brother/sister. Even if she doesn't understand.


Jen said...

I am so sorry you are going through this... I know my mom came over yesterday and was trying to pick me up, saying O wouldn't be alone thanks to us having such a large family. Thanks to her having four children... Needless to say, it didn't help.
It is so hard to go through this but know you aren't alone in it, unfortunately. Many hugs.

Liz Self said...

It just never really goes away. I got pregnant 4-5 months after my miscarriage, and when September came around, even as I was celebrating my DS turning 2, I couldn't help but think, "I should be having another baby now." It's hard. My husband didn't really talk about it either past the, "I'm sad" of when it happened. Just know that others are out there who will listen and try to understand and be there for you, in whatever way we know how. We remember, too, with you.

Rotten said...

I took comfort in no one asking me how I was anymore, but that is just me. I wanted to move forward and let it go so I could heal and I felt like every time anyone asked me how I was, it just brought it all back. I know how hard that is during the holidays though. I lost my first pregnancy a week before Christmas. That just sucked. Just know that we are all thinking of you.

andrea said...

i can't imagine how you are feeling, sending hugs and good thoughts.

Nearlydawn said...

Yeah, I remember this feeling... When everyone has gone back to their "regular" lives you are stuck without anyone to talk with. I don't even talk to my son about it.

I think my Mom was surprised the other day when I brought our loss up. I think maybe she thought I'd gotten over it, now that our little girl has been born and I have 2 to look after.

I even got a little mad at a friend the other day. She asked when we'd have our 3rd child. I said, "I did, she just isn't here anymore. Or did you forget?". It was un-called for, and I apologized. But I can't totally forget her, while it seems everyone else can. I keep thinking I SHOULD have 3 kids now. Even though I know better.

It's been a year. I've had another, living, child. I still cry over my lost baby girl every once in a while. I'm guessing I will never totally heal, and I'm coming to terms with that.

Jenn said...

It is a lonely feeling, isn't it?

For the most part, my daughter is about the only one who mentions my son we lost to stillbirth anymore. It's really nice to at least be able to talk about him with her and it's really nice that she brings him up. I'm usually the one that has to do that if I want to talk about him.

Sending hugs your way. I'm sorry you have to go through this.