tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-39950156395395269572024-03-12T22:37:38.430-05:00Justamere IVFThat's what we thought in the beginning...4 years, 8 months and 28 days later, we finally got our BFP. Alexis Marie was born April 10, 2009 at 36w2d. We are now trying to find our way as parents of our miracle toddler.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.comBlogger628125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-36872550240009028282016-09-26T16:41:00.001-05:002016-09-26T16:41:47.579-05:00Wow...where have I been.Gosh...the last time I posted here it was in prep for Alexis to start Kindergarten! Here she is now a happy, healthy, beautiful second grader! I hope to come back to this space...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-59305961730530021742014-08-20T08:28:00.000-05:002014-08-20T08:28:00.751-05:00KindergartenDear World,<br />
<br />
Today I bequeath to you one little girl...in a crispy dress...with two {blue} eyes and a happy laugh and ripples all day long...and a flash of {blonde} hair that bounces in the sun when she runs.<br />
<br />
I trust you'll treat her well.<br />
<br />
She's slipping out of the backyard of my heart this morning...and skipping off down the street to her first day of school. And never again will she be completely mine. Prim and proud she'll wave her yound and independent hand this morning and say "Goodbye" and walk with little lady steps to the schoolhouse.<br />
<br />
Now she'll learn to stand in lines...and wait by the alphabet for her name to be called. She'll learn to tune her ears for the sounds of school-bells...and deadlines...and she'll learn to giggle...and gossip...and look at the ceiling in a disintrested way when the little boy 'cross the aisle sticks out his tongue at her. And now she'll learn to be jealous. And now she'll learn how it is to feel hurt inside. And now she'll learn how not to cry.<br />
<br />
No longer will she have time to sit on the front porch on a summer day and watch an any scurry across the crack in the sidewalk. Nor will she have time to pop out of bed with the dawn and kiss lilac blooms in the morning dew. No, now she'll worry about those important things...like grades and which dress to wear and whose best friend is whose. And the magic of books and learning will replace the magic of her blocks and dolls. And now she'll find new heroes.<br />
<br />
For five full years now I've been her sage and Santa Claus and pal and playmate and mother and friend. Now she'll learn to share her worship with her teachers...which is only right. But no longer will I be the smartest woman in the whole world. Today when that school bell rings for the first time...she'll learn what it means to be a member of a the group...with all its privileges and disadvantages too.<br />
<br />
She'll learn in time that proper young ladies do not laugh out loud...or kiss dogs...or kepp frogs in pickle jars in bedrooms...or even watch ants scurry across cracks in sidewalks in the summer. Today she'll learn for the first time that all who smile at her are not her friends. And I'll stand on the front porch and watch her start out on the long, lonely journey to becoming a woman. <br />
<br />
So, world, I bequeath to you today one little girl...in a crispy dress...with two {blue} eyes...and a flash of {blonde} hair that bounces in the sunlight when she runs.<br />
<br />
I trust you'll treat her well.<br />
<br />
-Victor BuonoAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-36419141504030128172014-04-28T12:04:00.002-05:002014-04-28T12:04:49.809-05:005 years oldDear Alexis,<br />
<br />
I'm not really sure where the time has gone. It seems like only yesterday you were a wee little 6lb peanut making her entrance to this world. And here you are today, 5 years old. Opinionated, funny, compassionate. My little miracle in every sense of the word. <br />
<br />
You amaze me on a daily basis with how big your heart is. You seem to feel everything and it makes you sad to know that things die (your carnation from the dentist lasted over a month...but didn't make it much more), and happy to know that new life is born in the spring (watching a video of a baby pig being born at the museum didn't prompt the questions I thought it would). <br />
<br />
You have an amazing love of science right now...and we're trying to keep that. We went to the Museum of Science and Industry and spent the ENTIRE day there. You could have spent another 5 days there...you were SO excited to see all the exhibits and participate in the experiments. The weather exhibit was your favorite...standing in the middle of a vortex, creating tsunamis, watching avalanches. You applied what you saw to real life...telling me there was a vortex in the toilet when you flushed! This resulted in lots of flushing!<br />
<br />
You also love watching "How it's Made" on the Science channel...and come running whenever you hear the "theme song". I love that you love this stuff. You can tell people how lampshades are made and what rawhide is without batting an eye. <br />
<br />
I'm so in love with you everyday. I see you fall and I cringe inside, but then smile when you give me the thumbs up and your signature "I'm OK!" and get right back up and running. You continue to love your gymnastics class...and want to branch out to ballet as well. You also love hockey just as much as we do! Telling me this morning that the "BlackHawks ewiminated the Blues!" (YAY!). <br />
<br />
You're still a little peanut. Weighing only 39lbs, but you've grown almost 3 inches in the last 6 months and are now 42 3/4 inches tall. You are wearing size 6 jeans...size 6x shirts and size 11 shoes. You had 2 shots at your well visit and were not keen on them. <br />
<br />
Your paperwork is all done for kindergarten. I can't believe you will be in school full time in the fall. I'm excited for you and sad at the same time. I enjoy our mommy and me moments after preschool. We will just need to make new moments won't we? <br />
<br />
I tell you every single day that I love you. I love hearing you tell me you love me. I hope you never tire of hearing me tell you how much you mean to me. I hope you always know how fiercely PROUD I am to be your mama. <br />
<br />
Love you to the moon and back,<br />
<br />
MamaAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-39694262840334602262014-02-28T11:10:00.000-06:002014-02-28T11:10:36.031-06:00KindergartenWe received notification this week that Kindergarten registration is March 19th and 20th. Kindergarten. When did my baby get to be old enough to go to Kindergarten??!! She's very much looking forward to it...and for that I'm thankful...but Kindergarten!!??? <br />
<br />
Our Kindergarten is all day. 8:30am - 3:05pm. That adjustment is going to be big for her. No rest time...no down time in the middle of the day. Packed lunch (or hot lunch). No more deciding on a whim what to eat. It's whatever Mom packs (or is served that day). <br />
<br />
Kindergarten. I'm so not ready.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-48087650409733525892014-02-14T10:21:00.001-06:002014-02-14T10:21:02.060-06:00Happy Valentine's DayAfter my last post, I made it in to see my therapist. I haven't been in since November! We talked about how I feel like H has this negative bubble around him...and he sucks the life out of me whenever he's around. He's a pessimist...which wouldn't necessarily bother me except that it's paired with his "the world is against me" attitude and his "I'm owed something" attitude. I don't know how else to describe it. But when I listen to him tell me about his day...not one positive thing comes out of his mouth. And I've asked...did anything GOOD happen today? He'll say "not really". How about the fact that you woke up this morning...have a job to go to...have a wife and daughter at home??? <br />
<br />
My therapist seems to think, and I agree, that he's a classic depression case. He's got low self esteem, loss of interest in friends, loss of motivation, loss of interest in activities etc etc etc. But he'll never admit it. <br />
<br />
This whole thing has done a number on MY self esteem as well. He would always say I was the one with the problem. I was causing the issues. If I would only have sex with him x number of times per week everything would be fine. But I've come to realize that while I may have gone through a bought of depression with the miscarriage, I've come out of that. I enjoy being with friends and having a drink or two. I enjoy being with my daughter and playing with her. I enjoy spending time with my family. 2 years ago that wasn't the case. <br />
<br />
Today is Valentine's Day. I struggled with finding a card for H. All the sappy lovey ones don't fit. All the sex ones don't fit. I finally settled on one where the message was "I'm grateful you are in my life". Seemed the closest fitting. My card from him was a squirrel that says "I wuv woo" while he's eating nuts. He made a comment to me when I gave him his card that I didn't even put his name on the envelope...how does he know it's for him. How about because I HANDED it to you!??!!<br />
<br />
I feel weak for not being able to up and decide to separate. My head says that is what would be best. I'm afraid of what it would do to Lexi. But I'm also afraid of what staying will do to her. UGH.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-27663988667015997222014-01-30T15:19:00.000-06:002014-01-30T15:19:48.193-06:00Sad realizations - A rambling postI haven't seen my therapist since November. I really need to get back in to see her. Though I've been trying to put into action some of the things I had learned over the past 2 years. Namely, not to catch the guilt...and to not let myself be manipulated.<br />
<br />
These are hard things for me. It means taking things I've learned over the past 15 years and undoing them. It means breaking down walls that have been erected to protect my heart. <br />
<br />
Before I married my husband, the relationship I was in was not healthy. I didn't know it at the time though. But looking back, he would try to control me. Would make me feel bad about myself...even told me that no one else would ever love me. My reaction was to retreat into myself. Not speak my opinion. Not go out anywhere. I left that relationship after 7 years. 7 years I allowed myself to be mentally beat up. <br />
<br />
It's just recently that I realized that those same things I despised about that relationship...happen in my marriage. <br />
<br />
If I'm playing on my phone...he asks which boyfriend I'm texting.<br />
<br />
When I go to the grocery store...he jokes that I must be meeting my boyfriend.<br />
<br />
If I take care in my appearance...he asks who I'm trying to impress.<br />
<br />
This, coming from the guy who cheated on me twice in the last 2 years.<br />
<br />
I don't have any friends left. They've all moved on when they got tired of me declining their invitations. <br />
<br />
I'm at my happiest when he's at work. The moment he comes home, I can feel myself tense up. He's a very negative person. And that negativity is weighing me down mentally. Like with his most recent review. He received a 2% increase. And instead of being happy he received ANY raise at all...he complained about it. And complained about the feedback he received from his boss. <br />
<br />
He yells alot as well. At the dogs for drinking their water...or for walking around (yes, he does this) too much. He yells at Lexi if she's too loud. He sits on the couch watching TV...<br />
<br />
My sister and her boyfriend were here for the holidays...he brought his 6 year old daughter again. Something happened between the girls and they were arguing. Instead of letting them figure it you...H yelled at them. My sister's boyfriend, who was sitting in the kitchen with me...turns to H and says "Yea, you keep parenting from the couch while you watch your car shows...that's real effective parenting". He said it in a joking tone...but it hit home for me.<br />
<br />
H is a couch parenter. He comes home from work. Eats dinner...and plops on the couch to watch TV. He doesn't engage Lexi at all in any type of play. He doesn't read to her. They have no daddy/daughter time at all. He makes no time for it. They went to a Daddy Daughter Dance at Lexi's school recently...but only because I paid for the tickets, photo and flower wristlet already. It broke my heart to see how excited she was to finally get to spend time one on one with Daddy.<br />
<br />
I've been saying for 2 years now that I don't know where my marriage is going. Is it a loveless marriage? Maybe. I do care for H...but am I still in love with him? I don't know. How can you be in love with someone that you don't want to be around because of their negative, the world owes me, attitude?Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-15307100110181876862014-01-22T10:02:00.000-06:002014-01-22T10:02:50.591-06:0013 of 16Lexi is doing awesome on her sleep. She's slept through 13 nights of the 16 there have been since we started the whole calendar sticker thing. 13 nights of uninterrupted sleep! <br />
<br />
She's very proud of herself and takes it hard when she doesn't get a sticker in the morning. But it's a good lesson in "everyone fails at some point" and to keep trying and not give up. I tell her every morning that I'm proud of her...regardless of it's a sticker morning or not. She's really trying hard. <br />
<br />
I'm loving the loft bed too. All her toys are concealed behind the curtain in bins. She pulls them out to play...but takes the time to put them away...and she thinks it's FUN to put them away! I'm not sure how long THAT will last...but I'm taking it. <br />
<br />
I won tickets from <a href="http://www.thepeanutsgang.com/" target="_blank">Sam's Blog</a> to Disney on Ice! We were debating on going this year...and I hadn't bought tickets yet. So the win came at a great time! This will be our 3rd year attending...and Lexi can't wait!<br />
<br />
We're also planning a road trip to Virginia this summer to see my sister. I wanted to go up to Erie and then to Niagara Falls...but maybe we'll do a long weekend for that. Anyone have any suggestions on best time to head that way? Ahem...Ike's mom? Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-51368610624597420522014-01-14T09:56:00.000-06:002014-01-14T09:56:04.586-06:007 nightsIt was 1:15am when I heard the call...MOMMA!<br />
<br />
And so ended our 7 night stretch of all night sleeping. <br />
<br />
She was back to sleep in 15 minutes...but now she has to start all over again. She wants lights in her fort...well, she needs 7 more stickers in a row to get them. I'm not budging on that. I originally said one month of stickers before she even got the bed...but because we found it in a clearance center, it was cash and go. It may not have been there in a month and this was $400 cheaper than anything else we'd seen. DH is the one who caved to putting it together right away.<br />
<br />
She wasn't happy this morning about not getting a sticker. Even asking me not to take her bed back to the store. I just told her that she needs to try again...and that she doesn't get anymore additions to her bed (lights, hooks etc) until she earns more stickers. She promised me to try again. But I think 7 nights in a row, for a kid who hasn't slept all the way through the night in MONTHS, is something to be proud of (hence her curtains). I don't want her to think one slip up unravels everything (DH wanted to take away the curtains...I overruled that) and that when she "falls off the horse" she just needs to get back up on it and try again.<br />
<br />
I'm proud of my girl. This was a big change for her...and quite honestly, I didn't expect her to sleep through the night the first two nights she had the bed...and she did. She can do this. She just needs to believe in herself the way I do.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-21059816929254413792014-01-13T09:37:00.001-06:002014-01-13T09:37:51.948-06:00BustWell, I didn't make it to my friend's on Sunday...I chose instead to make my little the "happiest girl on the planet" (her words). <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHDMBvccGLssjQjy8yz2PMDj7LG54uQyEAKQ2E1RtCb0id76gogu4e8P0EvMhcMkC1DzCEVwyPpDhmqZcEcg-uQPrL92D_uwvFyOQohusZvYjHKHFpzdOWRvBaTCkqcnQsmD_AXvuKEXc/s1600/One.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_989340="null" gua="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhHDMBvccGLssjQjy8yz2PMDj7LG54uQyEAKQ2E1RtCb0id76gogu4e8P0EvMhcMkC1DzCEVwyPpDhmqZcEcg-uQPrL92D_uwvFyOQohusZvYjHKHFpzdOWRvBaTCkqcnQsmD_AXvuKEXc/s1600/One.JPG" /></a></div>
<br />
This is what we spent the weekend on. We went "looking" again at beds on Saturday. Happened upon this gem in the clearance center of a local store. She loved it. The price was right, so we got it and brought it home. We weren't going to put it together...but Lexi successfully guilted Daddy into it. So 90 minutes later, this is what we had. <br />
<br />
Saturday night was rough. She didn't want to go to bed. Kept making excuses about being hungry, thirsty...or needing a snuggle. It finally came out that she was afraid of sleeping so high up. I showed her how the guardrails keep her in the bed (made her roll over to the edge until she hit the rail) and told her mommy used to sleep on a top bunk when she was a girl (true story...just not until I was 7, which I left out). Eventually, she fell asleep...90 minutes after her normal time. And slept all night again!<br />
<br />
Sunday was spent making this:<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
</div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-LMECMawdt3cqQqzhRyi6Sc1L8VQzMFIcmeRL1oK3Xekax4mAZoTfs3l7vWAxTP2TlbkeRQeu1iW9KNe5JJQbG6WWuPrcICgwYixAmt0JErCXJ1jYQz5rmOEa84InrPiuXUe2ssUIrc/s1600/Two.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_989340="null" gua="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiw-LMECMawdt3cqQqzhRyi6Sc1L8VQzMFIcmeRL1oK3Xekax4mAZoTfs3l7vWAxTP2TlbkeRQeu1iW9KNe5JJQbG6WWuPrcICgwYixAmt0JErCXJ1jYQz5rmOEa84InrPiuXUe2ssUIrc/s1600/Two.JPG" /></a></div>
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXzi1UCvJTHF8zCRaPN-RJui34bOBAUm4gLAO1O-foqLEeLEKsaEVQRs7Qn0K6Bkc-d_uQNzgMSZA3VHKxyJpKtjibu8rQM2dUUD4AwDcFX658HIAVDm2m4LAP4H1jLJS_tF7LPQj6Wgg/s1600/Three.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" closure_lm_989340="null" gua="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXzi1UCvJTHF8zCRaPN-RJui34bOBAUm4gLAO1O-foqLEeLEKsaEVQRs7Qn0K6Bkc-d_uQNzgMSZA3VHKxyJpKtjibu8rQM2dUUD4AwDcFX658HIAVDm2m4LAP4H1jLJS_tF7LPQj6Wgg/s1600/Three.JPG" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
I took Lexi to the fabric store and let her choose a fabric for her "castle fort"...of course, she would pick the brightest pink. I spent the afternoon pinning, ironing, sewing and hemming these. She LOVES them. I didn't think making 2 curtains would be so difficult...but it took me a few hours! Originally I was going to use the grommet clips on the rod...but I sewed a little pocket and the tension rod slips right in. I actually like the pink. Her room is painted beige and all the wood work is white, so the pink brings a pop of color. And I like how, when closed, you can't see the mess of toys back there! <br />
<br />
My next project is to take that brown chifrobe and sand it down and paint it white. Then swap the brass pulls for the pink crystal looking ones. Her room is slowly moving from a "nursery/toddler" room into a little girls room. <br />
<br />
So while I didn't get away...I did get to spend some time at my sewing machine (which I love) and see the look on Lexi's face when I was done. Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-77280026504306799512014-01-10T10:11:00.001-06:002014-01-10T10:11:37.525-06:002014 - new beginningsChristmas was good. We did the usual Christmas at the in-laws on Christmas Eve, then our little family of 3 opened presents Christmas morning...though I should say, Lexi opened presents on Christmas morning. DH and I didn't exchange...though I bought him something "from Lexi"...he didn't do the same. Later, my parents came by and his parents (again) and Lexi opened more gifts (from my parents) and they all opened gifts "from Lexi" (shutterfly mugs). My sister came in from Virginia on Friday night, so we had another Christmas on Saturday...this is when we exchanged our secret Santa presents. So I finally got something to open! <br />
<br />
I know Christmas isn't about presents. It's about family. And being together. But I couldn't help be transported back to the Christmas my sister got a laptop and I got pajamas. Eh...it is what it is.<br />
<br />
So onto my title...New Beginnings. And I apologize up front...this will be all over the place.<br />
<br />
I've come to realize that I've become quite isolated. The friends I once held dear, are now only memories. And I've also realized why...it's because of DH. He doesn't like me going out. So anytime a friend called to hang out, I'd always decline...and eventually the phone stopped ringing. WHY doesn't he like me going out you might ask? Well, I can only speculate...because if you ask him, I can go...but then I get the guilt trip when I get back about how long I was gone and how much money I may or may not have spent. I think it's because he thinks I'll cheat on him. Since he's done it to me twice in 2 years. Payback kinda thing. Not that I would. <br />
<br />
The last time I went out with a friend is when I found out DH was spending his lunch breaks at another woman's house back in May. But that's because I up and walked out on him. And the whole time I was gone he was texting me to come home. Before that was a dinner with a very pregnant friend back in November 2012. Don't get me wrong...we go out with friends...but it's always both of us and Lexi. I don't have any ME time. My ME time is spent at the grocery store, with Lexi. <br />
<br />
I joke with my mom that I'm a married single parent. From the time Lexi gets up to when she goes to bed, I'm her primary caregiver. I help her dress, make her breakfast, make sure she brushes her teeth...all before DH leaves for work. What's he doing? Watching TV. I get Lexi off to school...pick her up...take her to daycare on the days she attends (my mom picks her up Wed - Fri since she's here). I make sure she has extracurriculars like her gymnastics. I make sure she does her homework, takes a bath, gets dinner, goes to bed on time. EVERYDAY. Yes, I know I'm her mom...and that's my job. One I do willingly. But she has a FATHER that lives here. He works 9-5 so it's not like he's gone during these busy times of day. It would be nice if he would contribute to her daily routine. The last time he gave her a bath...she was an infant. And at this point...there isn't much to it. Fill tub, wash hair, let her play. She will wash the rest of herself. When she's done...well, long curly hair requires combing and either braids or blow dry.<br />
<br />
My therapist had told me last year...that there is nothing wrong with going out with a friend and I should not allow him to make me feel guilty for doing it. I think I'm finally at the point where I believe that. So I'm going to a friend's house on Sunday. This is someone I've known since kindergarten but haven't "hung out" with in years. I'm hoping it's a stepping stone to starting anew with my friends.<br />
<br />
The other New Beginning is for Lexi. <br />
<br />
I've pretty well documented that she has not been a good sleeper. It started in August 2012...when she would NOT sleep in her room. Eventually, her toddler bed was brought into our room and we all enjoyed full night's sleep. Well, DH didn't want her in there anymore...so she was moved again in roughly September, back to her room...in the toddler bed. Since then, we've had to sit with her until she falls asleep...and she doesn't sleep all night. Waking and calling out for me almost every night. We tried to ignore her...she just gets worked up that no one is responding to her. So one of us usually ends up sitting in there with her in the middle of the night until she's back asleep...no fun. <br />
<br />
Well, this past weekend, we decided to look at new beds for Lexi. She sleeps in her toddler bed, but also has a twin size "hand me down" bed. It's not very pretty or sturdy...so we thought a new bed was in order. Well, Lexi fell in love with the idea of a loft bed. We decided to tell her that if she can sleep all night, without calling for us, for a whole month (DH said 5 nights in a row thinking she couldn't do it) she could pick a new bed. We made her a calendar and taped it to her door. We said that she'd get a sticker each morning she woke up and hadn't called for us the night before. This way, she could track it herself. That was Monday. She now has 4 stickers on her calendar. Yep, all 4 nights she's slept. And she's SO proud of herself and SO excited about this new bed. <br />
<br />
In hindsight, I think we moved her to a big bed too soon. She wasn't even two when we switched. DH really wanted to get the crib out of her room...and we thought we might be needing it for another...so I went along with it. It is what it is. Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-90532500596485207102013-12-18T12:05:00.001-06:002013-12-18T12:05:13.039-06:00Love these momentsIt's 3am...and I heard the call from her room..."Mommma? Momma?" I pulled myself from my warm bed and trotted into her room. <br />
<br />
What is it baby?<br />
<br />
I need you momma...<br />
<br />
I pick her up and bring her to the lazy boy in the corner of her room...feel the warmth of her little body next to mine...feverish warmth. We snuggle together on the recliner and she's soon fast asleep in my arms. And I am transported back 4 years...to when she was just a peanut in my arms. Warm and squishy. When I would look at her and marvel that she was mine. IS mine. That I was blessed with such a beautiful creature.<br />
<br />
Still warm...but no longer squishy. A big girl by day...but still my baby by night...when she still wants her momma to snuggle with her. I still marvel at the miracle that is her. <br />
<br />
And while the nights were I'm more annoyed at being woken up at 3am are plentiful...there are times like this night when I sit with her, alseep in my arms, and let the time pass. Just us. Heart to heart. Momma and daughter. Together. Peaceful. And I'm happy to just be.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-90128427037943145382013-12-13T10:08:00.000-06:002013-12-13T10:08:03.383-06:00Back to normalAF arrived yesterday...28 days after the last one. Back to normal. I guess missing in October was a fluke...I mean, I was thankful I didn't have her while vacationing...but still. <br />
<br />
Oh...and our Christmas tree fell over today. Yep, was upstairs working when I heard a "whoosh" followed by a tinkling noise. All the dogs were with me...so I know none of them knocked it over. My poor tree..I had just filled it with water so there was water and ornaments everywhere. Oh, and have I told you that I'm allergic to said tree? Yep, break out in hives after touching it. So picking it up and repositioning it in the stand and cleaning up...yea, my arms are hideous.<br />
<br />
Gotta love Friday the 13th!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-41795965297292878942013-12-11T15:27:00.002-06:002013-12-11T15:27:17.384-06:00A 4.5 year old's Christmas listLexi's Christmas list this year is quite different from last...<br />
<br />
Last year she wanted everything...and while she still does want everything she sees...when it comes down to writing her letter to Santa...she's very specific:<br />
<br />
Lalaloopsy Hair Doll with pink hair<br />
The doll that eats and poops (Baby Alive)<br />
A telescope<br />
<br />
Yes, you read that right...my 4.5 year old wants a telescope. When I asked her what she would do with a telescope she promptly replied "look at the stars and planets Mom!". Well duh!<br />
<br />
So off we went looking for a telescope that wasn't crazy expensive, but not a "kiddie" one either (her request). Luckily for us, we found a brand new telescope, unopened, in a second hand shop...for $20. Sold.<br />
<br />
So here is what Lexi is getting this year for Christmas:<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.toysrus.com/buy/fashion-dolls/lalaloopsy-loopy-hair-doll-jewel-sparkles-522065-20300316" target="_blank">Lalaloopsy Hair</a> - from mom and dad<br />
<a href="http://www.target.com/p/frozen-mink-sheet-set-twin/-/A-14619628#prodSlot=medium_1_1&term=Frozen+Sheet+set" target="_blank">Frozen Sheet Set</a> - from mom and dad<br />
<a href="http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=20908886&cp=&parentPage=search" target="_blank">Baby Alive</a> - from Santa<br />
Baby Alive diapers and food - from mom and dad<br />
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Meade-50mm-Land-Sky-Telescope/dp/B001UU5OT6" target="_blank">Telescope</a> - from Santa<br />
<a href="http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=28456116&cp=2255956.2273442.3574079.22162296&parentPage=family" target="_blank">Turbo DVD</a> - from Santa<br />
<a href="http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=20300346&cp=&parentPage=search" target="_blank">Lalaloopsy Workshop</a> - from Santa<br />
<a href="http://www.melissaanddoug.com/Hi-Rise-Preschool-Wooden-Dollhouse-and-Furniture-Set" target="_blank">Melissa and Doug Dollhouse</a> - from Santa<br />
<br />
The dollhouse wasn't originally in the plan...but I won it during a Melissa & Doug Twitter party. It's seriously an awesome prize. I didn't even have to pay shipping! <br />
<br />
And so far I know grandma got Lexi a new recliner chair (her current chair is 4 years old and has seen better days) and auntie got her Anna and Elsa dolls from "Frozen" and I think that Cuddles the Monkey (which I hope she didn't).<br />
<br />
Budget breakdown:<br />
Lalaloopsy Hair - $19.99<br />
Frozen sheets - $19.99<br />
Baby Alive - $24<br />
Baby Alive accessories - $12<br />
Telescope - $20<br />
Turbo - $9.99<br />
Lalaloopsy workshop - $14.99<br />
Dollhouse - $0.00<br />
Total: $120.96 plus tax<br />
Retail price (going off today's prices) $378.94 plus tax<br />
Saved: $257.98 ($149.99 is the dollhouse!)<br />
<br />
I love Target's price matching and Cartwheel app...I spent just a tad more than the $100 we budgeted...but I still think we did good. <br />
<br />
Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-36142114511333909112013-12-09T10:10:00.001-06:002013-12-09T10:10:19.329-06:00First "real" snowfall of the seasonI say "real" because we've had dustings over the last few weeks that melted within a few hours. Last night, however, we received our first substantial snowfall. Roughly an inch...not much. But enough that when the kiddo woke up this morning and saw it she immediately had to go play in it. So what does this mama do? Why I dressed her for school, put on her snowsuit and boots and let her have at it. At 7am. She came in for breakfast and happily went off to school. <br />
<br />
I've learned that it's the little things that mean the most to her. The 10 minutes of snow time before school. The 7 minutes of playground time at the mall. The 5 minutes of looking at toys at the store. The 3 minutes on the bungee bounce (I SO wish I could do this...but the weight limit is 150lbs). These few minutes of letting her just be a kid. They bring the biggest smiles to her face...and it reminds me to take these minutes more frequently. Before she's all grown up and they are gone. Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-38807591768300501602013-11-27T09:34:00.002-06:002013-11-27T09:34:36.487-06:00ThanksgivingMy brine is done...the bird is thawed and ready for it's bath.<br />
<br />
The cooking has started.<br />
<br />
And I look at my little girl...4.5 years old.<br />
<br />
4.5 years. <br />
<br />
5 Thanksgivings<br />
<br />
More love every year...every day<br />
<br />
More love than I ever imagined I was capable of<br />
<br />
So thankful to be her mamaAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-87046738992558324302013-11-25T12:16:00.000-06:002013-11-25T12:16:26.876-06:00Been sickSorry for being absent...again. I've been sick the last week...coughing and hacking up the yuck. It's been 10 days and while I'm feeling 100% better, I've still got some chest congestion going on...not much...and it's getting better each day.<br />
<br />
My GYN appointment is tomorrow...and while I don't think he'll be able to miraculously look at me and state what the issue is...I'm still hoping to get some idea what, if anything, is going on.<br />
<br />
AF came and went...4 days long. Having a 4 day period isn't abnormal for me...but I would have thought since I missed a cycle...that it would be a longer one. Who the heck knows. <br />
<br />
I had my parent teacher conferences this morning with Lexi's pre-K teacher...who I love. I was not prepared for her to hand me a Kindergarten readiness handbook. That caught me off guard. I mean, I know she'll be in Kindergarten next year...but actually getting a handbook and starting to prepare for it? Holy cow...though my darling little reminds me that she'll be 5 on her next birthday! She thinks 5 is some magical number...and that something, I don't know what, will change when she turns 5. <br />
<br />Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-42830125814536564182013-11-14T08:54:00.000-06:002013-11-14T08:54:08.719-06:00YepSo AF arrived this morning...36 days late. I just had a 64 day cycle. I had to reschedule my appointment...yet again, because...well, because I didn't want to pay a co-pay for what I already know...I'm not pregnant. <br />
<br />
I still want to know why I had a 64 day cycle...which I why I am going on the 26th. I'll have my PAP done...as well as bloodwork to find out what my hormone levels are.<br />
<br />
It is what it is...I guess.Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-62450671644297524492013-11-13T15:56:00.000-06:002013-11-13T15:56:02.614-06:00Could it be?????Of course, since my doctor's appoinment is tomorrow...what happens today?<br />
<br />
I use the bathroom and find pinkish/brownish discharge on the tp. Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-70121330607839969932013-11-13T14:03:00.003-06:002013-11-13T14:03:49.916-06:00NervesFor shits and giggles I POAS this morning with FMU...as expected, it was negative.<br />
<br />
So I went to MedicineNet.com's symptom checker...better than google right?...<br />
<br />
Well, the number one thing that came up for me? Ectopic Pregnancy. Though I would think the absence of hCg in my system would rule that out....the other options:<br />
<br />
Perimenopause <br />
Premature Ovarian Failure - basically menopause in someone younger than 40 (me)...what I'm thinking<br />
Anorxia Nervosa -Um, no...trust me, I eat<br />
Pregnancy - Don't think so<br />
Hypopituitarism - yea, this one scares me as it's caused by some kind of brain infection or tumor<br />
<br />
Not happy...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-55974375373244152562013-11-12T15:30:00.000-06:002013-11-12T15:30:53.740-06:00WTFSo my doctor's appointment was scheduled for 3pm today...at 2:30, while I'm in the car, I get a phone call from his office stating that he was called away for a delivery and won't be back today. WTF! <br />
<br />
I mean, I understand...but I had no idea he was now the ONLY doctor in the practice...there used to be 3 of them plus an NP. Now it's just him. And he's in his 70s. <br />
<br />
All the more reason for me to switch after the 1st of the year...but until then...I'm stuck! <br />
<br />
So now my appointment has been rescheduled for Thursday at 10:30. Let's hope no one goes into labor...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-85082466201334955182013-11-11T08:57:00.003-06:002013-11-11T08:57:57.549-06:00The sickThe sick has invaded my house...<br />
<br />
Lexi has been sick since Tuesday of last week...I kept her home Tuesday when she sounded like a frog. Sent her on Wednesday when she seemed better...she made it through the 2.5 hours of class. Thursday I sent her as well...but the nurse sent her home with a 101 fever and instructions on staying home until she's fever free for 24 hours. So she'd been home. With me.<br />
<br />
Saturday I started feeling congested. Sunday was just a waste...with me sitting on the couch watching first the Bears lose to the Lions...then the BlackHawks beat the Oilers. Lexi sat with me most of the day.<br />
<br />
Today, DH is off work for Veteran's Day...Lexi is at school, and I have to work. Darn company doesn't recognize Veteran's Day as a holiday. But the sick is still lingering.<br />
<br />
No developments on the "other" front. Face is broken out, jeans are snug, I smell everything...even being congested. I see my doctor tomorrow. <br />
<br />
Chicken soup is in the crock pot for dinner tonight...and I'm salivating at the smell of it. I love homemade chicken soup...I make my own broth and it's excellent!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-60780271669255025002013-11-08T09:46:00.000-06:002013-11-08T09:46:31.719-06:0029 daysToday, AF is supposed to arrive. Again. I've officially missed an entire cycle...and I don't feel like she's imminent. I'm starting to wonder if my doctor ran a quantitative HCG or if he just ran a qualitative one. <br />
<br />
My last AF was 9/11/13...and I average 29 days. So I should have O'd on or around the 25th. We did the deed on the 21st. We also did the deed on the 5th, so if I O'd a week late, due to stress of the trip...<br />
<br />
See where my mind is going? <br />
<br />
It shouldn't be going there because it's not possible...right? I mean, we've been together 10 years...never used birth control and never got pregnant "unassisted". <br />
<br />
This is crazy. Crazy. I feel like I'm going crazy. Because my face is broken out...and my jeans are snug...I'm craving salt like a mad woman...I'm going crazy. Tuesday can't come soon enough!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-17983638427288022952013-11-08T09:08:00.000-06:002013-11-08T09:47:02.563-06:003 yearsIt's been 3 years since I lost you. I still think of you everyday and wonder what you would be like today, at 2.5 years old. I miss you and love you more than anything.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
<br />
MamaAmyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-44803567754845044912013-11-04T12:00:00.000-06:002013-11-04T12:00:09.865-06:00Still nothingStill no AF...25 days late. And I don't even feel like it's imminent...and technically, I'm due again on Thursday the 7th. I hate how all of a sudden my body is throwing me for this loop!Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3995015639539526957.post-45553120921885861412013-10-31T14:39:00.001-05:002013-10-31T14:39:23.674-05:00Thoughts21 days late. No signs of AF...and definitely NOT pregnant. I sit here and contemplate what that means for my reproductive health. I know this could be a fluke annovulatory cycle...but I've ALWAYS been within 4 days of average. So it has me thinking...would I be ok with the knowledge that my reproductive years could be finished?<br />
<br />
The answer is no. <br />
<br />
In August 2012, 8 months after our 4th and last failed IVF, I went through all the baby stuff I had and sold/donated 90% of it. I have no baby clothes, save the ones for Lexi's quilt, in my house. No bottles or diapers. No paci's or baby toys. No changing pad, bouncer seat, bumbo or crib. I did save my car seat/stroller combo, high chair, swing, and exersaucer...though the exersaucer and high chair are currently on loan to a friend. I also saved one pack n play. I saved these things, not because I thought I'd have another baby some day...after all, the goal of my purge was to "accept" not having another baby...but because I had 2 good friends who were pregnant at the time and I figured they could use it when/if they came to my house. And it was used in that purpose.<br />
<br />
But these last 21 days, I've come to realize that, while I thought I had accepted not ever being pregnant again, I really haven't. The ache is there. The longing to hold a sweet bundle of newborn goodness...and inhale that scent only a newborn has. That longing takes nothing away from how I feel about Lexi. She is and always will be the light of my life. But I don't feel like we're complete. It's hard to put into words...but it's just a feeling. <br />
<br />
I'm 37 years old. I'm not sure my heart is ready to jump back onto the TTC wagon...Amyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14859972086411293652noreply@blogger.com1