I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that life moves on for everyone around me. I have to go through the motions of the mundane details of my daily grind. I have to show a "happy face" at work, because not everyone knows what happened. Things keep going as if nothing changed...but I have. I'm not the same person I was last Monday.
I'm dealing with alot of guilt on top of the extreme sadness. See, when we transferred the 2 "perfect" embryos and I got that positive HPT at 9dp3dt, I was scared shitless of twins. It would have been a big financial hit to us to have 2 more children. And silently, in my head, I wished one of those embryos away. I prayed that one would die. Of course, I had no way of knowing if one or both embryos tried to implant. But I'm feeling HUGE feelings of guilt over it. How could I wish my baby away? How could I want a baby to die? The logical side of me knows that any thoughts I had didn't create the outcome...but my heart is screaming at me right now...HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?? I'm angry at myself...and I don't know how to not be.