Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Life goes on

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that life moves on for everyone around me. I have to go through the motions of the mundane details of my daily grind. I have to show a "happy face" at work, because not everyone knows what happened. Things keep going as if nothing changed...but I have. I'm not the same person I was last Monday.

I'm dealing with alot of guilt on top of the extreme sadness. See, when we transferred the 2 "perfect" embryos and I got that positive HPT at 9dp3dt, I was scared shitless of twins. It would have been a big financial hit to us to have 2 more children. And silently, in my head, I wished one of those embryos away. I prayed that one would die. Of course, I had no way of knowing if one or both embryos tried to implant. But I'm feeling HUGE feelings of guilt over it. How could I wish my baby away? How could I want a baby to die? The logical side of me knows that any thoughts I had didn't create the outcome...but my heart is screaming at me right now...HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?? I'm angry at myself...and I don't know how to not be.

7 comments:

La Loca said...

Don´t blame yourself. There are som many thoughts and feelings that go through our heads while we do IVF...I don´t want to blame the hormones, but...sometimes, we get crazy ideas in our heads that we don´t understand later on.
You have gone through so much lately, you have done everything you could AND a lot more to keep your babies. Your actions speak themselves.
I know it´s hard, but it was nature, not your thoughts. You are a good momma. You can´t blame yourself.
I guess we all blame ourselves for everything...we shouldn´t.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry for your loss. Miscarriage is such a painful mixture of anger and sadness. And guilt too.

Still A Guest Room said...

I am so, so sorry for your loss, and please don't blame yourself. It's natural to question everything you did, but nothing you did changed the outcome. My thoughts are with you.

Rotten said...

Don't beat yourself up. I know it's hard not to. I've been through 2 miscarriages, so I can relate to the gilt trip, but unfortunately it is just one of those crap deals some of us are dealt and we can only handle it the best way we know how. Give Lexi lots of extra hugs and kisses and know that I am thinking of you as you go through this difficult first step of healing.

Familyoftwo said...

I've been where you are and it sound so cliche but one day you will wake up and you won't feel so bad. You will always wonder, but the pain does go away a little each day.

What is also important to remember NOTHING you did caused you to loose this pregnancy. You wanted it so much that you waited a whole week to confirm that it was over before making your decision--that is NOT the behavior of an uncaring horrible person!

Hugs to you as you go through this!

Alexicographer said...

Here from LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss and your need to keep your "game face" on. I know it's natural to blame your thoughts, but honestly, if women could wish pregnancies away (and into place) the world would be a very different one. We don't have any power like that, we just don't.

s.e. said...

Your raw honesty brought me chills. I understand your thoughts however irrational they are. I believe the guilt is part of the process. You are grieving your little one. You are going to feel every emotion possible before beginning to move ahead.

But Amy, it does get better.