Mish Mash

• On the 16th we took Lexi for her 4 year old photos (yes, a month yearly).  If you're friends with me on Facebook...they are there.  She looks so grown up that it makes me a little sad.  I do love this age though...she's blossoming into this bright, energetic little person with ideas and opinions and...oh the DEALS she makes to get what she wants.  It's a I'll do this for you if you do this for me kinda thing.  It makes me laugh everytime she asks me if we have a deal.  But I know she's learning to compromise and barter, and it makes it worth it.
• My bird died on the 21st.  He was a cockatiel just 2 months shy of 13 years old.  I've had him since the day he hatched...and hand fed him until he was old enough to feed himself.  He liked to sit on my shoulder, or eat chicken or spaghetti off my plate.  Well, that was before I had dogs and a kid.  I actually feel a little guilty that his last few years of life were spent in his cage instead of where he loved to be.  On my shoulder.  His cage was in my office, so I'd see him everyday...talk to him a little...and get my work done.  His cage sits empty now and when I glance up, I fully expect him to see me and whistle at me...it takes me a minute to remember that he's gone...and it makes me sad.
• I'm still seeing my therapist.  Since H doesn't go anymore, we're working on ways that I can avoid "catching the guilt" that he throws at me on a regular basis.  Guilt for wanting to lose weight and feel better about myself.  Guilt for wanting to spend time with my girlfriends.  Guilt for wanting to just be happy.  I've come to the conclusion that even if I gave H what he wants (sex) it wouldn't change things. 
• It's been almost a year since I've been intimate with my husband.  I cant' believe I'm actually admitting that.  April 21st of 2012 was the last time.  Says alot about our relationship.
• We're planning a trip to DisneyWorld in October.  More because Lexi is still in that "belief" stage and really believes that Cinderella lives in the Castle there.  We want to take her before she loses that innocence. 

Knocked down

I feel like whenever I try to do something positive to try and pick myself up, H is always knocking me back down.

I'm fat...I've gained 70lbs in the 10 years I've been with H.  At the beginning of the year, I vowed, again, that I would lose it once and for all.  And each time I was met with resistance:

Me: I'm thinking about getting a treadmill
H: What the heck for?

Me: I want to lose 90 lbs
H: Who do you want to lose weight for all of a sudden?

Me: (Looking at the Color Run website) This might be fun
H: Why are you suddenly into running and losing weight?

Me: I want to feel good about myself again
H:  Well, I love you the way you are.  (said in a tone that implied I should as well)

Mind you...these conversations have all happened on different days...at different times.  I feel like no matter what I'm being pushed back down.  And I don't like it.

I bought my treadmill yesterday...it's sitting in my dining room.  I want it in the basement.  We'll see how long it takes before I have to ask my neighbor to help take it down for me.

Having the conversation

It started as me asking him to please see a counselor on his own.  That I know things have been stressful and maybe he can vent to someone who can provide some perspective.  It quickly became a "bash Amy" session. 

He doesn't think he needs counseling...his stress comes from me and if I "fix" me his stress will go away.

I'm NOT broken

Seperation was brought up...not as a path to divorce, but as a means to "start over"

He says I'm selfish because my priorities are Lexi, Me, Him...in that order.  And not Lexi, Him, Me.  He thinks I should put him before myself.

Among other things, I've screwed him by making us go bankrupt, I'm a princess who gets angry when I don't get my way, and I haven't tried to make things work...even though he has.

He says he is willing to anything to save our marriage...can't imagine life without me...but yet he won't see the counselor?

My therapist says I'm easily manipulated and he's taking advantage of that. 

I'm so confused, hurt, angry, sad...

Getting to know me

Sorry I've been absent from this place.  DH has been known to frequent my blog and I'm not comfortable being completely honest here anymore.  So any posts feel like a fib...but I'm going to try to be honest in this post.

• Lexi is still sleeping in our room.  I've given up trying to put her to bed in her bed at night...sitting with her for over an hour waiting for her to fall asleep, only to have her come into my room 90 minutes later was getting tiring.  Now, she goes to bed in the toddler bed in our room and sleeps all night.  I don't care at this point.  She's sleeping...we're sleeping...
• DH got a full time job...HALLELUAH! 
• Above full time job means he is no longer attending counseling with me.  I'm trying to get him to go on his own...but it's falling on deaf ears.
• Above full time job also means Lexi is back in daycare on Mondays and my mom is coming back out 2 days a week to watch Lexi...I have her while I work from home the other 2 days a week.  Thank the Lord for a flexible manager.
• Things haven't been good between DH and I.  It's a wake up call when your counselor suggests a seperation. 
• I don't know how to begin to have said conversation with DH as the suggestion came in a session he didn't attend.

Getting by

After my long whiney post, I'll update and say she blamed technology...stating she never got my texts or messages.  Whatever.  I made nice...but I won't put myself in the same position again.  Nuff said.

We found out last week that because of the "Fiscal Cliff", Congress put the kabosh on Tier II unemployment benefits.  The benefits we were counting on from 12/29 - April.  So DH's benefits will cease 12/29/12.  Merry Christmas to us.  We will be able to "get by" with just my paycheck.  And by get by, I mean squeak through the month paying mortgage, utlities, kiddo's tuition and have $500 to split between groceries, gas for cars and any incidentals.  I know...I know.  We can do it.  It's possible.  It will be hard...but possible.  Thanks to the bankruptcy and not having $30K in debt looming over us. 

Rant - warning long and whiney

I'm posting this here because I can't post it on FB...

I'm so angry/hurt/pissed right now.  What would you do if your so called best friend, your sister from another mother, stood you up on Thanksgiving?  No calls, no texts...no responses to YOUR texts/calls/emails?  You KNOW she's not injured or dead somewhere, because she's posting on FB.

That is what I'm dealing with right now.

Here's the background story. 

October 20th - me, DH, B (her) and her husband J get together.  We discuss B and I getting together for my birthday.  Plans are made for the 22nd at 9am.  We also discuss them coming over for Thanksgiving.  They accept.

October 22nd 9am - Text B asking if we were still on for the day.  No reply.  11:30am.  Call B asking what's up?  No reply.  1:30pm Call B saying please call me.  No reply.  5:30pm - I receive a text from J saying they had been in the ER since 10am because B was in pain (she has fibro and 3 bad discs in her back).  OK...understand.  Frustrated that no one told me earlier...but whatevs.

November 6th - DH and J are playing in our poker league.  DH thinks he sees J stealing poker chips (again) makes a comment.  DH and J have words that night. 

November 13th - My week to play in our poker league.  I speak to J and agree that DH didn't handle the situation in the best manner.  He mentions that B thinks I'm mad at her about my birthday.  J and I square everything away and I commit to calling B the next day.

November 14th - Call B.  Send the below email when I get voice mail:
Since you're not taking my calls or returning my texts I figured email was the next best thing.

I don't know what happened to make you go radio silent these last few weeks. I wish you'd tell me. I've sent numerous texts with no reply.

If this is about my birthday...I'm not mad. I never was...ok I was...a little. I was upset that my calls to you that morning and my texts went unanswered and that it wasn't until 5pm that I finally knew what was going on. But once I got J's text about where you were, I wasn't mad anymore...a little frustrated that I didn't know sooner, but not mad.
If this is about what happened between J and C last week at poker...well, I can only comment on what C told me...and from what he told me...I think he was wrong. He should have either went to poker J privately, or pulled J aside privately. I don't agree with the way he handled it. But that's all I can say. I couldn't care less if J was or wasn't pocketing chips...it's FREE poker for crying out loud. It's not the WSOP.

Anyway, I know I've been busy too...stressed to the limit more like it. But that's an email for another day.

I wish you'd tell me what's going on. We've been friends for way too long to hold grudges against each other...

Love,
Me

She calls me right as I hit send.  Have heart to heart with her.  She was upset about the DH and J thing...I tell her she can't be upset with me over something DH said...plus I wasn't even present when it went down.  I also tell her that I wasn't mad about my birthday...that I was frustrated that they didn't let me know what was going on sooner...and that I waited home all day for her call.  She agrees that she should have called sooner.  We hang up on a great note.  She posts on my FB page that she was glad we talked and she loves me.  I reply I love her too.

November 19th - Get a text from J that they may not come for Thanksgiving because it would be awkward since DH and he haven't spoken for 2 weeks.

November 20th - DH's poker league week.  He and J speak and from what DH tells me, they worked everything out. 

November 21st - DH gets a text from J saying they are 50/50 because B is having a Fibro flare.  Text says they will let us know about Thanksgiving.

November 22nd - Thanksgiving.  I text J at 11am asking how B is doing.  No reply.  I text B at roughly 12pm...no reply.  At 1:15 I see B post a "Happy Thanksgiving" post on FB (says posted 2 minutes ago).  I call B.  No answer.  Leave message asking her to please call me and let me know about dinner and that I need to know if they are coming.  Dinner is at 3pm.  No calls, no texts, nothing.  DH texts J after dinner when he sees how upset I am.  No reply.  I send the below email to B at roughly 9pm...

Hi. First, I want to say that I hope you are feeling well. Second, I want to say that I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
That being said...I am so unbelievably hurt right now. After we talked last week and I explained to you why I was upset on my birthday. That the ONE thing that upset me was that you didn't call to let me know what was going on. That a call to explain what was happening would have been enough. But yet the same thing happened today. I texted you, I called you. No response. Even though I called/texted within minutes of you posting on Facebook...so I knew you weren't sleeping, or that your battery wasn't dead.

I think of you as family...as my sister from another mother. I invited you to my family dinner...but yet you didn't show. You didn't call. That hurt.

I don't even know what to think right now...my heart hurts too much.
To date, I have not received any replies.  No explanation as to what happened...why they didn't come.  She's since ceased posting on my wall on FB and "liking" things I post.  

So, this is a long winded way of asking...do I cut my losses?  We've been friends since 1990!  I'm torn and heartbroken at the same time.  It's supposed to be my night at our poker league...but I'm not going, DH is going in my place.  I don't want to see J because I might break out in tears.  I'm also afraid of getting a call from the local PD that J and DH got into a fight and I have to come bail him out. 

B and I have a long history together.  22 years of friendship...

Kim, I now know what you must have felt like last year when you were dealing with your issues. 

Done

It's done.  We are officially the 44,936th bankruptcy case in our district.

This is going to sound really bad...but I'm SO glad.  Don't get me wrong...I'm sad that things got to this point.  I'm upset that we weren't in a better position to pay back our debts.  We tried.  We were on a consolidation plan for the last 12 months.  We cut back everywhere we could.  We just weren't able to make ends meet anymore.  Our savings is gone and we have to do what's best for our family.  Unfortunately, this was our best option.  We don't have any equity in our house, so our home is exempt.  Our cars are all old (1997 & 2005), so they are exempt.  We own nothing of value that our attorney believes the trustees would make us sell.   It was sad to see the state of our finances all on paper.  Our "means" test gave us $11 a month in disposable income.  But I'm happy that we will be able to start with a clean slate.  It's a huge stressor that's been lifted.  Obviously, we still need to meet with the trustee and wait for the discharge, but the phone calls will stop.  The letters will stop.  Maybe I can sleep at night again. 

Updates

• Lexi still hasn't slept a full night in her own bed.  We've moved the toddler bed into our room so that when she wakes at night she comes in and climbs into the bed...mostly without waking us.  There are some nights she walks into our room by 10pm and others where it's 2 or 3am before she comes in.  She always starts in her room, in her bed...but always ends up in the toddler bed.  Any advice?  Should we just let her continue and eventually she'll sleep through?
• We're going today to file our Chapter 7 bankruptcy.  I'm sad and nervous, yet relieved at the same time. 
• I'm hosting Thanksgiving again this year.  I have to keep my eye on the calendar so I take the turkey out of the freezer on time.  He needs to be thawed by Wednesday so he can brine overnight.  Saturday is my "take out turkey day"!
• I'm also hosting Christmas again.  My sister is coming in from VA with her BF, but not until 2 days after Christmas.  My mom is not pleased and is making things difficult for me.  But I will not let it ruin my holidays.
• I have no idea what to write down on my Christmas grab bag list.  We decided on a $50 limit...but I have no clue what I want.  I know what I NEED...so those things may make the list.  Things like a new pair of shoes, jeans etc.
• Though I've been really wanting a facial...I had told DH that when I get my check for working the election I was going to use it for a facial...maybe I'll save it and put a facial on my list.
• Lexi's gifts are pretty much done.  Have been since August.  There might be one or two other things I pick up...but it's going to be a tight year.