Friday, June 13, 2014

I should clarify my previous posts...the person I'm referring to is someone who doesn't even live in the same state as I do.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Let me be the rainbow in your cloud

That's the message he sent to me today. 

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

I have a confession to make.

I went to Las Vegas last week with the husband...

And I couldn't stop thinking about someone else...can't stop thinking about someone else.

Is it considered cheating when your thoughts are consumed? 

When you WANT to talk to someone...but don't. 

When you WANT to call someone...but don't.

Does this put me at the same level as him?

Part of me says NO!  His emails were sexual in nature.  He spent lunch hours at her house. 

But part of me says YES!  I should be thinking of the person I'm with...not someone else. 

This post may self destruct and vanish...

Monday, April 28, 2014

5 years old

Dear Alexis,

I'm not really sure where the time has gone.  It seems like only yesterday you were a wee little 6lb peanut making her entrance to this world.  And here you are today, 5 years old.  Opinionated, funny, compassionate.  My little miracle in every sense of the word. 

You amaze me on a daily basis with how big your heart is.  You seem to feel everything and it makes you sad to know that things die (your carnation from the dentist lasted over a month...but didn't make it much more), and happy to know that new life is born in the spring (watching a video of a baby pig being born at the museum didn't prompt the questions I thought it would). 

You have an amazing love of science right now...and we're trying to keep that.  We went to the Museum of Science and Industry and spent the ENTIRE day there.  You could have spent another 5 days there...you were SO excited to see all the exhibits and participate in the experiments.  The weather exhibit was your favorite...standing in the middle of a vortex, creating tsunamis, watching avalanches.  You applied what you saw to real life...telling me there was a vortex in the toilet when you flushed!  This resulted in lots of flushing!

You also love watching "How it's Made" on the Science channel...and come running whenever you hear the "theme song".  I love that you love this stuff.  You can tell people how lampshades are made and what rawhide is without batting an eye. 

I'm so in love with you everyday.  I see you fall and I cringe inside, but then smile when you give me the thumbs up and your signature "I'm OK!" and get right back up and running.  You continue to love your gymnastics class...and want to branch out to ballet as well.  You also love hockey just as much as we do!  Telling me this morning that the "BlackHawks ewiminated the Blues!" (YAY!). 

You're still a little peanut.  Weighing only 39lbs, but you've grown almost 3 inches in the last 6 months and are now 42 3/4 inches tall.  You are wearing size 6 jeans...size 6x shirts and size 11 shoes.  You had 2 shots at your well visit and were not keen on them. 

Your paperwork is all done for kindergarten.  I can't believe you will be in school full time in the fall.  I'm excited for you and sad at the same time.  I enjoy our mommy and me moments after preschool.  We will just need to make new moments won't we? 

I tell you every single day that I love you.  I love hearing you tell me you love me.  I hope you never tire of hearing me tell you how much you mean to me.  I hope you always know how fiercely PROUD I am to be your mama. 

Love you to the moon and back,

Mama

Friday, February 28, 2014

Kindergarten

We received notification this week that Kindergarten registration is March 19th and 20th.  Kindergarten.  When did my baby get to be old enough to go to Kindergarten??!!  She's very much looking forward to it...and for that I'm thankful...but Kindergarten!!??? 

Our Kindergarten is all day.  8:30am - 3:05pm.  That adjustment is going to be big for her.  No rest time...no down time in the middle of the day.  Packed lunch (or hot lunch).  No more deciding on a whim what to eat.  It's whatever Mom packs (or is served that day). 

Kindergarten. I'm so not ready.

Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day

After my last post, I made it in to see my therapist.  I haven't been in since November!  We talked about how I feel like H has this negative bubble around him...and he sucks the life out of me whenever he's around.  He's a pessimist...which wouldn't necessarily bother me except that it's paired with his "the world is against me" attitude and his "I'm owed something" attitude.  I don't know how else to describe it.  But when I listen to him tell me about his day...not one positive thing comes out of his mouth.  And I've asked...did anything GOOD happen today?  He'll say "not really".  How about the fact that you woke up this morning...have a job to go to...have a wife and daughter at home??? 

My therapist seems to think, and I agree, that he's a classic depression case.    He's got low self esteem, loss of interest in friends, loss of motivation, loss of interest in activities etc etc etc.  But he'll never admit it. 

This whole thing has done a number on MY self esteem as well.  He would always say I was the one with the problem.  I was causing the issues.  If I would only have sex with him x number of times per week everything would be fine.  But I've come to realize that while I may have gone through a bought of depression with the miscarriage, I've come out of that.  I enjoy being with friends and having a drink or two.  I enjoy being with my daughter and playing with her.  I enjoy spending time with my family.  2 years ago that wasn't the case. 

Today is Valentine's Day.  I struggled with finding a card for H.  All the sappy lovey ones don't fit.  All the sex ones don't fit.  I finally settled on one where the message was "I'm grateful you are in my life".  Seemed the closest fitting.  My card from him was a squirrel that says "I wuv woo" while he's eating nuts.  He made a comment to me when I gave him his card that I didn't even put his name on the envelope...how does he know it's for him.  How about because I HANDED it to you!??!!

I feel weak for not being able to up and decide to separate.  My head says that is what would be best.  I'm afraid of what it would do to Lexi.  But I'm also afraid of what staying will do to her.  UGH.

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Sad realizations - A rambling post

I haven't seen my therapist since November.  I really need to get back in to see her.  Though I've been trying to put into action some of the things I had learned over the past 2 years.  Namely, not to catch the guilt...and to not let myself be manipulated.

These are hard things for me.  It means taking things I've learned over the past 15 years and undoing them.  It means breaking down walls that have been erected to protect my heart. 

Before I married my husband, the relationship I was in was not healthy.  I didn't know it at the time though.  But looking back, he would try to control me.  Would make me feel bad about myself...even told me that no one else would ever love me.  My reaction was to retreat into myself.  Not speak my opinion.  Not go out anywhere.  I left that relationship after 7 years.  7 years I allowed myself to be mentally beat up. 

It's just recently that I realized that those same things I despised about that relationship...happen in my marriage. 

If I'm playing on my phone...he asks which boyfriend I'm texting.

When I go to the grocery store...he jokes that I must be meeting my boyfriend.

If I take care in my appearance...he asks who I'm trying to impress.

This, coming from the guy who cheated on me twice in the last 2 years.

I don't have any friends left.  They've all moved on when they got tired of me declining their invitations. 

I'm at my happiest when he's at work.  The moment he comes home, I can feel myself tense up.  He's a very negative person.  And that negativity is weighing me down mentally.  Like with his most recent review.  He received a 2% increase.  And instead of being happy he received ANY raise at all...he complained about it.  And complained about the feedback he received from his boss. 

He yells alot as well.  At the dogs for drinking their water...or for walking around (yes, he does this) too much.  He yells at Lexi if she's too loud.  He sits on the couch watching TV...

My sister and her boyfriend were here for the holidays...he brought his 6 year old daughter again.  Something happened between the girls and they were arguing.  Instead of letting them figure it you...H yelled at them.  My sister's boyfriend, who was sitting in the kitchen with me...turns to H and says "Yea, you keep parenting from the couch while you watch your car shows...that's real effective parenting".  He said it in a joking tone...but it hit home for me.

H is a couch parenter.  He comes home from work.  Eats dinner...and plops on the couch to watch TV.  He doesn't engage Lexi at all in any type of play.  He doesn't read to her.  They have no daddy/daughter time at all.  He makes no time for it.  They went to a Daddy Daughter Dance at Lexi's school recently...but only because I paid for the tickets, photo and flower wristlet already.  It broke my heart to see how excited she was to finally get to spend time one on one with Daddy.

I've been saying for 2 years now that I don't know where my marriage is going.  Is it a loveless marriage?  Maybe.  I do care for H...but am I still in love with him?  I don't know.  How can you be in love with someone that you don't want to be around because of their negative, the world owes me, attitude?