Saturday, November 20, 2010

One week

Yesterday marked the one week mark since my D&C. Over the last week my emotions have been all over the place...but to look at me, you wouldn't know it. I'm very good at putting on the happy face for the people around me. VERY good. And I'm not sure if it's healthy. But I don't know any other way to be.

I cry in the privacy of my car, or in the bathroom at work, or while feigning sleep on the train with my hood over my head. For some reason, I just can't let the world see that I'm hurting...even though I want the world to know.

How can I begin to heal if I won't even allow myself the freedom to grieve openly?

6 comments:

Liz Self said...

My m/c story is very different than yours. Two pregnancies easily conceived, the first resulting in my son, no history of any IF. My m/c came one week after a positive test with no warning and resolved itself within a week or so. BUT, the story you describe here is similar to mine. We didn't tell anyone IRL, I kept it together, but in private I was very sad and had trouble not crying sometimes. One week is not enough time to emotionally process what you've gone through, especially with the added challenges you've endured to get here. How "openly" you share your grief is a personal decision. I've known people who share every detail, and it doesn't mean it makes things go faster or easier. It's about what works for and feels right to you.

Rotten said...

My mother always told me that sometimes smiling on the outside forces you to smile on the inside. When I was in college, she always let me come over to her place if something catastrophic had happened (you know, when you are in your teens early 20's EVERYTHING is catastrophic) and sit and mope and cry and bitch for 3 days. She brought me all the fun food and magazines and movies I could eat, read and watch and then on the third day, she told me to get up off of her couch, face the world and get back to living it. While your situation is definitely much more involved than the broken heart of a 20 year old, I think the concept still might work. You don't need to grieve openly to the world. You need to grieve around those who love and care for you and when it's time, they will very gently kick you off the couch so to speak and help you face the world again. I have been where you are now twice and the only thing that got me through it were my family and true friends. And I did move past it and I did move on and I hope with all of my heart that you can as well. Big hugs.

Nearlydawn said...

I'm not sure how you'll make it to the point that you feel 'healed' enough, but you'll make it. It definately takes a lot of tears and time. I've been through this same feeling of being locked up with my grief, but something will break the spell for you, and you'll feel released. Notice I haven't said anything like "you'll get over it", because I don't think you ever really do. It simply just gets easier over time.

Mel said...

I am so sorry for your pain! I can't imagine how to begin to deal with something like this... I know I turn to God in the hard times and try to work it out with him. I'll be praying for you!

Jamie said...

It is such a strange place to be - trying to put on a brave face for the world but at the same time wanting the world to know how bad you're hurting and just how much strength and courage it takes to put that face on everyday.

I've been there and I still don't have the answers. But know I am holding you tightly in my heart.

Much love to you, Amy.

Familyoftwo said...

Grieving openly will come with time. Right now its very personal to YOU, as it should be. One day though it will come out and it could come in a way you don't see coming or expect. When it does just let it come.