Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Gloomy sunshine??

Is there such a thing? Well, I'll cut right to the chase. No heartbeat.

My ultrasound tech is the nicest woman around. She scanned me for almost 20 minutes looking for a flicker. She said that the sac is so high in my uterus that it makes it very hard to see. The only good news is that there was a fetal pole, where previously, there wasn't one. I'm measuring in at 6weeks. A week behind. My RE said that in early pregnancy it's normal to be off by 3-5 days...not a whole week.

My RE basically didn't give me any hope. She flat out said that it looks like this isn't working out. But my mind and my heart disagree. I mean, yes, I'm a week behind...but I'm progressing. I went from nothing to gestational sac, to gestational sac with yolk sac, to gestational sac, yolk sac and fetal pole. I asked her if we saw a heartbeat later, like Friday or Monday, does she still think this wouldn't work out. Her answer? Yes.

I don't understand. If I'm progressing why would you call this a miscarriage? If there is a heartbeat (later) why would you tell me it won't work out? She left me with the impression that even if I do see a heartbeat within the next few days that this embryo is probably not healthy and I would lose it later anyway.

I'm left with the decision to either stop my meds now...and basically "call it"...or wait until Monday for another ultrasound to see if a heartbeat is visible. I don't want to delay the inevitable...but I don't want to end it just because I'm measuring a week behind. Even if I do see a heartbeat on Monday...I don't know how I would make it through 33 more weeks. Knowing that my RE thinks this embryo is unhealthy and will die eventually.

I'm unbelievably heartbroken. I cried the entire hour drive home. My DH, God love him, said he would support whatever decision I made. I told him I don't even want to be in a position to make this decision. How does one decide something like this? The worst part about it...I asked her what happens if we don't "wait and see". Her answer was to stop all meds and wait for my body to miscarry naturally. But I keep thinking that the meds I'm on CAN'T be the only thing keeping this embryo alive and growing. Can it?

As of right now, I have no further appointments. I need to decide whether to stop meds and see what happens....or go back Friday or Monday to look again. I'm leaning towards looking again...because I can't bear the thought of this being over.


Shelli said...

I am sorry this is not the news you were hoping for. Having been in this exact same scenario multiple times, I understand how heartbreaking it is for you. If you feel you want to wait it out, you should.

Perhaps you can go to a radiology lab today for a second opinion on the u/s? I did that with all of my slow-progressing pregnancies, for the peace of mind and a more detailed scan (RE's machines tend not to be of highest quality).

I feel for you my dear. I really do. xo

Mo and Will said...

Ah shit. I am so sorry. This completely sucks. I say if you think it would help to check back on Friday or Monday, what's the harm? If your RE thinks a HB showing up later could still lead to a good outcome, I'd say wait and see. It will help you have certainty in your decision and will also give the chance for maybe a heartbeat to appear.

I'm measuring four days behind and we're considering that in terms of when to look for a heartbeat. I'll be 7 wks 4 days when we look so even though I'm behind we should see it if it's going to be there.

This limbo land completely blows. I am so sorry that you're stuck in it - wish things could be definitive one way or the other.

Thinking of you.


Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle said...

Oh I am so sorry.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Photogrl said...

Oh, man...being in limbo is the worst. I know you really wanted an answer today, and I was really hoping you'd get a positive one.

The fact that the tech said it's high in your ute, would lead me to take a wait and see approach. I also like Shelli's suggestion.

This is an awful position to be in.

I'll be continuing to hold you close in my thoughts and prayers as you wait.

Denise said...

I would wait if I were you. I know being in limbo that much longer sucks, but I would rather be safe than sorry. With Hadyn, we didn't see a heartbeat at 6w4d and I was measuring a week behind. We saw a heartbeat at 7w6d and I was measuring 3-4 days behind at that point. Of course the timing was a bit uncertain in my case, but it couldn't have been more than a few days off.

Still holding out hope for you.

Thomas said...

I am so sorry--whatever the outcome, this is a scary place to be. I hesitated to comment, and I hope you won't mind that I decided to, for what it's worth.

I was in a very similar situation when I was pregnant with my son. At 7 weeks I was told that it did not appear to be a viable pregnancy, as the gestational sac appeared empty and no heartbeat was visible. My doctor said that I did not have to make any decisions; that I could wait or could schedule a D&C, but that he wanted to refer me to a radiology clinic before I made a decision. I did wait, and my appointment at the clinic was at 8 weeks 5 days. We went expecting to be told how sorry they were, but that there was no viable pregnancy. Instead we saw and heard the heartbeat for the first time.

I am so sorry you're in the position you're in, but if there is any chance I'd continue the meds and go to a specialty clinic. Even with all the truly wondrous things that can be known and achieved with ART, not everything can be known or predicted, and not every baby develops on a prescribed schedule.

Whatever decision you make, I hope you are able to find some peace. Limbo is hell.


Familyoftwo said...

That is the worst thing to hear...if this happens will it be OK...only to hear NO. It's gut wrenching.

I wish I were there to sit with you and hold your hand. Having been exactly where you are I know how it feels to be so utterly hopeful and utterly disappointed at the same time.


s.e. said...

I too know this place all too well. I know how your heart is breaking, how you want answers but do not want it to be over. I know how you are torn between curling up in a ball and at the same time your heart is screaming that your little one is tucked safely inside.

I also know you are strong and will get through this.

Many hugs to you, dear Amy.

JJ said...

Holding you in my thoughts!!