Is there such a thing? Well, I'll cut right to the chase. No heartbeat.
My ultrasound tech is the nicest woman around. She scanned me for almost 20 minutes looking for a flicker. She said that the sac is so high in my uterus that it makes it very hard to see. The only good news is that there was a fetal pole, where previously, there wasn't one. I'm measuring in at 6weeks. A week behind. My RE said that in early pregnancy it's normal to be off by 3-5 days...not a whole week.
My RE basically didn't give me any hope. She flat out said that it looks like this isn't working out. But my mind and my heart disagree. I mean, yes, I'm a week behind...but I'm progressing. I went from nothing to gestational sac, to gestational sac with yolk sac, to gestational sac, yolk sac and fetal pole. I asked her if we saw a heartbeat later, like Friday or Monday, does she still think this wouldn't work out. Her answer? Yes.
I don't understand. If I'm progressing why would you call this a miscarriage? If there is a heartbeat (later) why would you tell me it won't work out? She left me with the impression that even if I do see a heartbeat within the next few days that this embryo is probably not healthy and I would lose it later anyway.
I'm left with the decision to either stop my meds now...and basically "call it"...or wait until Monday for another ultrasound to see if a heartbeat is visible. I don't want to delay the inevitable...but I don't want to end it just because I'm measuring a week behind. Even if I do see a heartbeat on Monday...I don't know how I would make it through 33 more weeks. Knowing that my RE thinks this embryo is unhealthy and will die eventually.
I'm unbelievably heartbroken. I cried the entire hour drive home. My DH, God love him, said he would support whatever decision I made. I told him I don't even want to be in a position to make this decision. How does one decide something like this? The worst part about it...I asked her what happens if we don't "wait and see". Her answer was to stop all meds and wait for my body to miscarry naturally. But I keep thinking that the meds I'm on CAN'T be the only thing keeping this embryo alive and growing. Can it?
As of right now, I have no further appointments. I need to decide whether to stop meds and see what happens....or go back Friday or Monday to look again. I'm leaning towards looking again...because I can't bear the thought of this being over.