We're moving forward...

finally. The IVF Coordinator from my clinic called me today. I completely forgot that she was supposed to call. I'm glad she remembered. My RE does want me to come in for a consult, but more of an abbreviated version. Just to talk about protocols and sign the legal forms. I also need to have my GYN fax my PAP results along with a note stating that, despite my HPV diagnosis and mild cervical dysplasia, that I am clear to cycle. So July 2nd, 9:30am. DH will have his blood drawn for the communicable disease testing...and if AF shows up right before that, then I can get my CD3 BW & US out of the way and start BCP. Could it be? Would the planets align just right to allow us to get everything accomplished in one visit? Since I'm highly pessimistic, I say no.

This weekend was nice. Saturday, I put together some new outdoor furniture...DH put up the patio umbrella and strung lights on it. It looked really nice as we sat out Saturday evening. But then we forgot to close the umbrella and early Sunday morning the wind gusts reached about 60 miles per hour and snapped said umbrella's metal post in two. No more umbrella.

We had our parents over for Father's Day. We also invited the parents of a friend we no longer talk to. DH and I had a mutual friend in high school who is now estranged from his parents. They don't get to see their grandkids very often and I know it really hurts them that their only child has gone on a destructive path. They've done everything they could, as have his friends, but he has chosen his course. Anyway, halfway through the day, we got hit with another thunderstorm. Have I told you I'm TIRED OF THE RAIN??!! But after it passed (like 15 minutes later) it cleared up and it turned out to be a very nice evening.

I'm so proud of myself...since joining the Braces Bunch, I've only sent out 4 postcards...but today, I just mailed 7 cards. Not postcards...but cards. I've caught up with alot of my blog reading, so I'm hoping to stay up to date. Those of you who don't know what Braces Bunch is...check this out.

I now leave you with a beautiful Midwestern sunset. Don't mind the light poles or cars...it was taken in a Men.ards parking lot. But if you use your imagination, you can find yourself in a tropical destination.

Patio...updated with bad pic

As I've said before, I'm tired of rain. The Midwest has been battered lately by storms. Luckily, my little community has been spared from the worst of it. But still, when it rains, my backyard becomes a mud pit. DH and I have been trying our damndest this year to get the grass to grow...and we've been pretty successful. It helps that my puppy sits squats when he pees and he's got NITROGEN PEE! So we have tufts of grass throughout the yard that grow 100X faster than the rest of the yard. But try as we might, we have not been able to get grass to grow in the area surrounding our back steps into the yard. Mostly because that is where the 2 dogs play the most. So this area always is the cause of the 6 inches of mud I scrap off the dogs paws each time they are out after a rainfall. No more. Yesterday, my concrete patio was poured. It's purdy. I haven't taken any pics yet, but I will. I'm so happy that we had it done. Not only will the dogs not be caked in mud, but we will actually have a place to sit without the grass tickling at your ankles (something else I dislike). Anyway, I'll update with pics when the sun is shining and I can go outside without getting drenched.

Here's a bad pic of the patio...as you can sorta see...we've got stuff all over it from a get together, and that's my big guy, Sox walking through.

Wondering...

Does anyone ever hear from ME and Steve? I have been thinking about her and I've sent an email, but haven't gotten a response. I was just wondering how she was.

And because I have nothing better to tell you, other than we're having our patio poured today...I leave you with a picture of my 7 month old...

Green Thumb **Edited at bottom

First, Mini Vann has arrived! Go check out Farah's blog

I've never had a green thumb. Every plant I'd ever owned I've killed...even cacti. But I've had this one plant that I bought when hubby and I purchased our first townhouse in 2004 that I haven't killed...yet. So this year, I decided I would plant 3 rosebushes out in our front yard. I figured they would die...so imagine my surprise one day when I saw this...



I was SO excited I sent this picture to my closest IRL friends. I was even MORE excited the next day when it looked like this...





This is the only bloom so far, but there are many more buds on the plant. Even the other two rosebushes seem to be thriving...they have buds as well. I thought that maybe this change in luck with plants would resonate throughout the rest of my life, but it appears not.

I had gotten a call on Friday from my RE's office stating they had gotten MFS's letter and results and my next step is to schedule a consult. I called today, and the first available appointment is July 10th! I told the girl (she was the andrologist helping on the phone, J) that I really wanted to start with my July cycle which is due on the 1st. She said the notes on my account only indicate I need an IVF consult and that I hadn't been there since June of last year. I promptly informed J that was incorrect as I had been in for CD3 BW/US in January and have had a consult since then. So she transferred me to the nurse, K, whom I left a message with.

I really want to start in July. I haven't cycled since April/May 2007 and I just feel like every month that goes by is a missed opportunity. I'll update when K calls back.

************************************************

So K called back and let me know that the RE's initial notes in my file indicated that I would need an IVF Consult only if I desired. Since I've already been through a cycle and know what is involved she doesn't think that I will need to do it. But the RE and IVF Coordinator are both on vacation this week. K will check with them on Monday and have them call me. So I may be cycling in July!!

The verdict is in...

The MFS sees no reason why we can't proceed with another IVF cycle with DH's sperm. While the SA results weren't the best...he does have normal sperm. Of the 8 million sperm in the sample, 3% were completely normal. MFS also said that usually an IVF lab is more strict on sperm quality than a diagnostic lab "because everything is on their shoulders". He sent an email to my doctor to ask them if the 3% normal sperm were "sufficient for their use". And he also stated he wants us to freeze a sample or two to ensure we have enough "good sperm" to use. So while I did get most of my answers...(I got all I could from MFS) I now have to wait to see if my RE will "accept" DH's levels for a cycle.

I'm just hesitant about starting a new cycle if I don't know if the RE will find good sperm. But I guess with a few frozen samples, we should be good. So now I have to call my RE and see what's next. I've already missed June, since CD3 was Tuesday...but let's pretend for a moment that I start a cycle in July...that means ER and ET would be around the end of July. And let's sink deeper into fantasy land and pretend it works...that means I'd have an EDD of approximately March 2009. A girl can dream right?

T minus one day

Tomorrow afternoon DH and I see the Male IF specialist (MFS) and we are demanding answers. He has been seeing this doc since September and originally said that he wanted DH to take the Clomid for 3 months. It's been 9 months...I want answers damnit. I want to know if we have any chance of cycling with his sperm. I want to know if we need to start thinking seriously about donor sperm or not. I want answers!! I'm so tired of NOT knowing what the hell is going on with things. UUGGHH! So I plan on drilling MFS tomorrow and not leaving without my answers.

Also, today is CD3. AF arrived on Sunday afternoon. I could have been going for CD3 bloodwork had we had answers!

Blah, Blah, Blah

So yesterday was my first day back to work after my long weekend "vacation". Let me tell you, I had 2 days in there where I didn't move from the couch all day and I LOVED it. I rarely get days like that, so it was quite refreshing to get caught up on L0st (OMG I loved the finale) and generally have nothing to do. I've been fighting a case of bronchitis, so that hasn't been fun, but I was still at home...enjoying doing NOTHING!

Anyway, nothing new on the IF front. We go to DH's doc next Wednesday for his latest SA results. We're thinking we're headed into the donor world, but would at least like a Dr to tell us what our chances are with his.

And because I thought it was fun...I stole this from Farah...

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): DH, Bridge
C - Cake or Pie: Pie (must be apple)
D - Day of Choice: Friday...I spend all day looking forward to 5pm
E - Essential Item: Cell Phone or Aleve depending on the day
F - Favorite Color(s): Cobalt Blue
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
H - Hometown: Chicago
I - Indulgence(s): Massage and sleep
J - January or July: July (don't like the cold)
K - Kids: Yes, please.
L - Life is incomplete without: Family and friends
M - Marriage Date: 10/04/2005
N - Number of Siblings: 1 younger sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Apples
P- Phobias or Fears: failure
Q - Quote: "Is money worth the price" - Unknown
R- Ring size: hhhmmm I don't really know.
S - Season: Spring or Fall...not too hot or cold
T- Tag 3 Friends: Bridge, JJ and anyone else who wants to steal this
U - Unknown fact about me: I am a complete control freak...though I try not to be
V - Very favorite stores: Target /Wal-Mart/Lane Bryant
W - Worst Habit: Biting my nails
X-ray or Ultrasound: I have had plenty of both
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): crab legs (yum yum)
Z - Zodiac: Libra

It's amazing what IF does to your mind

I have a whiteboard on my desk at work. On it is written: "Move DE for x client in July". Everyday, when I come in and see that message I immediately think, now why would x client want Donor Eggs? Then, I think "duh! It's not Donor Eggs! It's Delaware!"

IF no longer stands for "if". IF is always INFERTILITY

DE no longer is the abbreviation for the state of Delaware

MF no longer stands for the bitchin swear word I used in college

What other acronyms no longer stand for what they mean in the fertile world?

Swimming in Circles

That's how DH and I feel right now. We just called to get the latest results of his donation. Count is still only 8.3 million...with 0 normal morphology. DH has been seeing a male factor specialist since September...that's why he's been on Clomid since then...that's why we've put off cycling again. The MF specialist (MFS) never indicated to DH that he had no normal swimmers. At least that DH can remember. MFS always had DH's counts at around 1 million...but gave us the impression that those were 1 million healthy swimmers. We thought the reason he was on Clomid was because MFS wanted to increase his count. We knew he'd probably have to make a few deposits to the cryo bank before we cycled, but we're just so frustrated with everything. Why can't any doctors give us a straight answer? Will we or won't we be able to use his sperm?

I'm solicting help...

Ladies...I need your help. I need another job...that's close to my home. I currently commute 4 hours a day and it's becoming a financial strain. Anyone work for companies that offer work from home solutions? I currently work for a national financial institution and have experience in service and sales. Can you recommend anyone? Please?? I'm desperate.

PS I've requested a work from home alternative from my current employer and they said "NO".

Random thoughts

Yesterday was THE day. The one that I had been dreading. I purposefully invited MIL and my mom to our house for a BBQ so that I didn't have to go out and contend with all the smiling Moms. But it still got to me...I ended up breaking down in the morning and crying to DH. Had our last cycle been successful, we would have a 4 month old. But it wasn't successful, we're still in the same place we were before. Childless.

People like the Duggars make me sick. All that woman has to do is spread her legs and out comes another baby. It isn't fair.

Thar She Flows

That's what I wanted to scream out this morning when I went to the bathroom and found out AF had arrived...on CD34. She's playing games with me I tell you. For 9 consecutive months after my BFN, she was 28 days like clockwork...then she threw in a 32 day cycle and a 26 day cycle. Now we're up to 34 days. I guess I shouldn't complain...I could be back to the 50 & 60 day cycles of my pre-IVF self. But I was really liking the every 28 days bit. I KNEW exactly when she'd be arriving and plan my day accordingly. No client meetings that day, send DH off with his buds, curl up on the couch and just veg. No more. Oh well, at least I can look forward to another cycle soon.

Movies, Movies

This past weekend DH and I went to see 2 movies...Baby Mamma and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Saturday was Baby Mamma...**SPOILER ALERT**now if you haven't seen the movie and don't want to know about it, skip the next paragraph.

I would have been ok with this movie if Tina Fey's character didn't have her miracle pregnancy at the end. I mean come on...she had a 1 in a million chance with ART and it just happened naturally? That was the thing that really upset me. I was ok with the story line up until that point. I was even impressed with their use of "transfer" v. "implanted" when speaking about IVF. Though the video showing the embryos landing on the uterine lining was a bit much for me.

Watching the movie with DH brought back all the emotions we've tried so hard to push past. The unsupportive family, the constant barrage of "the question" (When will you start having kids). It was an emotionally draining night. So much so, that the next morning, after some "intimate" time, I just started crying. I really have mixed emotions about cycling again. Physically, it's not hard on me...I respond well to the stims, didn't have much OHSS, didn't have any pain after retrieval or transfer. But emotionally, it kills me. And I'm scared to put myself through that emotional turmoil again. We're lucky enough to have some insurance coverage...but I'm always doing the what ifs.

Anyway, today is CD32 so I guess I'm just being hormonal. I should be getting AF any second now...but I don't feel anything. I guess I should go home and POAS to get her flowing...that always does the trick.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

My alarm goes off at 4:30am. At 4:37am, I felt my bed shake. At first I thought a massive semi must be going down my quiet residential street looking for the next build site. But all was quiet...not a sound. No truck. I remember thinking to myself...hhmmpph what are the chances of an earthquake in Chicago and going about my morning routine. That was until I turned on the TV and this was the top story. Who woulda thunk it? The earthquake was centralized in downstate Illinois, but was felt as far north as Wisconsin and as far south as Alabama. What I felt wasn't very strong...no pictures fell over, no dishes rattled (well that I know of, but I was upstairs). My dogs didn't go nutso. It was like being on one of those vibrating beds you see in the cheap motels on TV. The shaking only lasted a minute or less, but it was my first experience with an earthquake. Growing up in the Midwest, you have fire drills in school AND tornado drills. Tornadoes are something I know about...I know what to do when the sirens start their song. But I have no clue what to do in an earthquake!! That wasn't something we were taught in school...wasn't something we ever had to think about. The only experience with earthquakes I'd had prior to today was seeing the aftermaths on TV in places like San Francisco.

On a separate note...FamilyofTwo is going through a rough time right now. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and give her some ((HUGS))

Introducing...

I have a friend (yea I DO have friends IRL). Everyone should have a friend like this one. We've known each other 18 years...since fate sat her behind me in our freshman Spanish class. OK maybe it wasn't fate but the fact we sat alphabetically (can anyone say grammar school?). But it was because of this class that we met and became best friends. She's the type of friend that you keep coming back to...even when your lives took different paths. My path brought me infertility. Hers took her down a medical nightmare (ironically, one that may make it hard for her to conceive as well). As she received diagnosis after diagnosis...I had no idea what to say to her. All I could do is be there when she needed to talk, to vent, to scream and to cry (and provide the occasional ride to the county jail). She recently came to me about how down she's been feeling. And I came clean. I fessed up that I have a blog. Now 2 people IRL know I have it. I told her how therapeutic it is to put things out there...to document what's been happening. But what is even more therapeutic is the support you receive from virtual strangers. People connected only by the Internet and a common thread. So she gussied up some courage and started one of her own. I would like to introduce you to my best friend in the world. Bridge at Fatabulous1 I know her blog isn' t an IF focused one, but please go by and welcome her to our community...and if you know anyone else who might know what she's going through, please forward her blog on. I gushed at how supportive you all are...don't make a liar out of me! LOL

Random thoughts

Did anyone watch the Biggest L0ser last night? I did...and I have to say I was very pleased that Ali won. It's about time a female won...though through it all they pumped up the "first female" to the point where you pretty much knew who was going to win it. My question is...how can these people afford to take off work for 4 1/2 months and still pay their bills? Don't they have mortgages? I would LOVE to be on this show...but there is NO WAY I could afford to take an unpaid leave from work. How would my bills get paid? UUGGHH how do they do it??

This day is going by way too slow for me. It's only 1:30 and I feel like I've been at work forever. I guess it doesn't help that it's been non stop since Monday. It's 70 here today and I just want to be outside. DH is lucky...he's off on Wednesdays so he gets to be out.

Housekeeping

I've changed the layout and template of my blog...though if you're like me, you use Google Reader or some other feed and don't click over unless you want to leave a comment. Has anyone figured out how to leave a comment from Google Reader? Anyway, since I usually use the Reader to read posts, I don't tend to see every one's actual blog pages and pics/buttons. I was scanning around today and realized just how "boring" my actual blog page was. So I'm going to try to spice it up a little if I can. I'm hesitant about posting pics, though I did post my wedding pic a while back. I'll have to think about that one.

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words regarding yesterday's post. At first, I really didn't feel any better about having posted it. But after reading the comments, and knowing that no one thinks of me as a dirty whore (well except my husband <8') ), I actually do feel better. In a "OK no one thinks any less of me" kind of way.

I'm sure some readers are thinking, I thought this was supposed to be a blog about infertility...well hopefully, I will be able to begin posting about my next cycle. DH has been on Clomid since September in the hopes of improving his sperm counts. Our next steps are to do another SA, and then start "banking" his sperm. My RE, in combination with his Andrologist, want us to bank sperm so that we have plenty to choose from when my next ER comes along. The problem we had last time was that nothing fertilized because they couldn't find "enough" normal sperm to use. Long story short, that's how we found out DH had a testosterone issue (why we didn't know this before is beyond me and I've given up that anger). So I'm hoping that in the next few months, I'll be able to relish you with my injection horror stories and hormonal emotions. Till then...thanks for tuning in!

1,565 days

37,560 hours
2,253,600 minutes

That's how long it's been since C and I started TTC#1. In that time we've had 4 birthdays, 5 New Year's Eves, 6 pregnancy announcements within our family, 4 of which have already resulted in live births. 2 of which are second children. There have been countless BFPs in the blogosphere as well as live births, adoption matches and adoptions finalized. There have also been countless BFNs, miscarriages, fetal losses, stillbirths, adoption matches fallen through and other heartbreaking news. It's any wonder that any of us keep going. But that's all we know isn't it? We have to keep going, keep moving forward. To achieve whatever goal it was that we set out for in the first place. I think back on the last 4+ years and I wonder where it all went. Where did the time go? Has it REALLY been THAT long? And I think, will it be another 1,565 days before I achieve MY goal? I hope not. I do know that I couldn't do it without all of you. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles makes it a little bit easier. What's the old saying? Misery loves company?

I've been keeping something from all of you. And it wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers post about her emotional struggle with a similar diagnosis that I realized I shouldn't be hiding this. This blog is supposed to be representative of my journey to our child. If I left this out, it wouldn't be accurate. So...along with my cervical dysplasia, I was diagnosed with HPV. Since then, I've struggled emotionally with it. I have no idea how or when I "got" it, or from who. I've been with my husband for 5 years and before that was in another relationship for almost 8 years. So either I "got" it 14 years ago or from my last long term relationship. I feel dirty and unclean, like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I was careful, wasn't out whoring around. Why did this have to happen to me? Along with all the IF shit that we have to deal with, now I have to worry about this.

There it is folks. It's out there. I no longer have an elephant in my room. But I don't feel any better about it.

An Empty Room

Mel had an interesting post that got me thinking. In her post, she talks about the room in her house that should be her "future baby's" room. In reading it, and the comments that followed, it got me thinking about "that" room in our house.

DH and I bought our 4 bedroom house in December of 2006. At that point we had been trying to have a baby for 3 years the "natural" way. We had started seeing a RE in May of 2006, but hadn't undertaken any ART treatments yet. While we walked through the house, I remember us talking about each bedroom and what we will make out of it.

Our office would be the room closest to our bedroom. It is in the front of the house, the smallest of all 4 rooms and gets alot of natural light. Perfect for those days that I would work from home. The room farthest from our bedroom, tucked away behind the stairs would be the guest bedroom. Whomever stays in it would have complete privacy. This room is also in the front of the house and has a small walk in closet and is across the hall from the guest bathroom.

The last room, the one in the back of the house, snuggled in the corner, with the large walk in closet and large sliding window would be our child's room. Because it was in the back of the house, no street noise or imposing street lights would reach our sleeping infant. The large sliding window is situated in the corner of the room, a perfect place to set a glider for those nights when our baby just wouldn't sleep. The large walk in closet would be perfect to store all of the extra diapers, clothes and toys that he/she just isn't big enough for yet. It's proximity to the master bedroom and guest bedrooms would be perfect for the nights I stayed up and let DH catch some zzz's. I imagined where I would place the crib, dresser, changing table etc.

Then we did our first IVF, and I was so excited that we might actually be using that room. My mom even gave us the dresser/changing table/armoire that I had as a kid as a starter. Then we got our BFN. I would pass by that room and see the dresser mocking me. Now the room sits dark. The blinds are shut from the outside world, no light passes onto those walls. The door remains closed. It sits unused in darkness. An empty room that I long to fill.

On Sabbatical no more

She didn't show up at the hit of the publish button...instead she waited until Saturday morning to grace me with her presence. I went to give blood in the morning and I failed the iron test...it was then I knew she was on her way. As much as I expected AF to arrive this month, as she does every single month, I was a little dismayed that my mid cycle spotting wasn't an indicator for something else. Needless to say, I basked in some retail therapy on my way from Life Source.

One thing I'm doing this year is planting my climbing roses. I already have 2 plants ready to be put in the ground, but I've been afraid to plant them lest the Midwest is bequeathed another frost. So I spent Saturday morning perusing the garden departments of the local Wal Mar* and Men ards looking for trellis' for my roses to climb. The one I really liked was what I thought a simple wooden ladder trellis. But it was $50! I can't see spending $50 on a trellis. Maybe it's just me. So I'm left now with no trellis and 2 rose bushes I can't plant because it's darn near too cold yet!

DH spent the day yesterday reseeding our backyard mosh pit in the hopes of some greenery this summer. I thought it was funny to have both dogs come into the house, not only with muddy paws, but muddy seedy paws! Maybe his efforts will pay off and we'll have a beautiful lawn this year...one can hope.

CD28

Jenna has good news!! Please go see her! Ellen also received good news today.

Today is CD28...my last 2 cycles were 32 and 26 days respectively. My 6 cycles before that were all 28 days exactly. So far, no sign of AF. I would really, really, really, really, really hate to be one of "those" women who happen to fall pg when they weren't trying. Though I would love to be pg. I can tell you though, I haven't "relaxed", haven't "gone on vacation", haven't "just adopted" or any of those other misnomers that are thrown at an IFW (infertile woman) by the fertile world. Is it wrong that I'm both praying for AF to show up and wishing her away at the same time?

I don't want to perpetuate the myth that's out there that "miracles do happen" and "all things come to those who wait"...but I would be so happy to not have to cycle again. All this worrying is probably for not. I'm sure AF will come charging in from her monthly sabbatical as soon as I hit the publish button.

Thoughts...

On the spotting front...most of it occurred on Saturday, I had a little (and I mean a little) on Sunday and Monday, but it wasn't anything I needed a liner for like I did on Saturday. All week I've been running the dates in my head and thinking, could that have been implantation spotting? Then reality kicks me in the ass and I have to laugh at myself. I remind myself that babies aren't made by having sex. They are made in a cold laboratory. At least in our case. Though part of me can't help but hold onto a teeny bit of hope, that maybe, just maybe I am wrong. That fate is finally throwing me a bone. I know it's silly, I know it's not going to happen. My brain knows all these things, but it has failed to convince my heart.

Spotting...maybe TMI

So we've not engaged in any cycling since last year...my last AF was 2/29 and ended on 3/4. Why then did I have cramping and brownish spotting on Saturday? I had been cleaning the house and when I finished I sat down on the couch. It was then that I started feeling...like I was getting my period. You know the feeling. I also felt like I was "dripping" for lack of a better term. So I went to the bathroom and sure enough, there was brown spotting. I had one streak of red. I have not had any further spotting since Saturday. Very weird. Anyone have mid cycle spotting? If so, what caused it? If you know.

Tag you're it

JJ and Wifethereof tagged me recently so here you go...

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules.
3. Share six non-important/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag three other people.
5. Make sure the people you tagged know you did by commenting on what you did.



1) I am always on my husband's left (except when we're driving)...I sit to his left on the couch when we watch TV, I sleep on the left side of our bed, I sit to his left at the dinner table at home, I sit to his left when we are in a group of people at a table, I walk on his left. I'm not sure why I do this, but it's something I've noticed.


2) In my 31 years, I have lived in 7 homes...but moved 9 times. Prior to getting married, I would live in an apartment for a year then move back with my parents for a short time...I went back 3 times before actually getting out for good.

3) I have kissed the Blarney Stone. Not those little tokens you get at an Irish store, the real Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle in Ireland. I went during high school and it was one of the things we really wanted to do. You have to sit down and hang onto this bar while you lean WAAAY back and basically hang upside down and kiss the stone.

4) I don't like walking in the grass barefoot or sitting in the grass. I can't stand the way the grass feels against my skin...gives me the heebee jeebees.

5) I am meticulously organized at work...everything is in it's place. But at home I struggle with keeping things organized.

6) I've been to England, Ireland, Wales, Mexico, Hawaii, New York, Boston, San Francisco, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Colorado, Arizona, Washington D.C., and Virginia.

That's about it. I tag Jen at Here We Go Again, Frank at (In) Fertile Frank, and In and Out of Luck.

Letter to my Body

As requested by Mel...here is my letter.


Dear Body,


You and I first met 31 years ago. I'll admit, I don't remember much about our early relationship, but we've been inseparable. My only question for you, my closest companion, is why? Why have you denied me so much in life and put me through so much pain? Are you punishing me for something I did early on in our relationship? For not exercising or eating right?

I remember when you bestowed a menstrual cycle on me. I was 13. Is the pain you caused any way to introduce a child to womanhood? The debilitating cramps, the body aches, the diarrhea. No drugs I pumped into you eased your rampage. Gone were the days of perfect attendance in school, for that first day each month, you made sure I was crying out in pain. That is, until my doctor prescribed birth control. Then I had you. I know you weren't happy to be reigned in, but it was the only way I could live each month. I hoped you'd understand.

Then you bestowed PCOS and thyroid issues on me. Why? Was being on bcp really SO bad? You had to throw more at me? Did you know that the acne, excess hair growth and weight gain associated with PCOS made high school a living hell for me? Did you care? I'm sure you knew as you and I spent many hours in my bedroom crying after school. Not that it changed anything. You only laughed at my sorrow.

But I think the worst thing of all that you've done has been to deny me the ability to become a mother. How can you do that to me? I can deal with all the past hardships you've thrown at me, and even forgive you for them, but this I can never forgive you for. Do you have any idea how much I feel like a failure? Procreation is the most primitive animal instinct, and you've denied me that privilege. All the procedures we've been through. Injecting dye into our uterus to blow out a blockage in our tubes. Surgery. Biopsies. And the countless trans vaginal ultrasounds, fondly named Dildocams. Body, you seem undeterred by all this. You won't give me an inch. Even after I injected you countless times with hormones. You won't back down. Why? Why? Why? Is it such a horrible thing that my husband and I feel the joy of pregnancy and parenthood? To look down upon a little bundle of joy and see ourselves?

I feel like I've treated you right over the years...maybe not excellent, but at the very least, I've been kind. I haven't doped you up with illegal drugs. Haven't poisoned our liver with alcohol. I sleep enough to refresh and invigorate you. I try to eat well...and I know I need to move you around more, but overall I've been good to you. I just wish you could give a little...just once.


Love,


Me

Finally some good news

My GYN's office called last night with the results of my biopsies...only mild cervical dysplasia! While I'm not thrilled abouting having ANY type of dysplasia...it puts me at ease. The only treatment is follow ups...so I have to have a PAP every 6 months instead of every year. AND I can still cycle! WOO HOO!

Oh Yea...Happy Valentines' Day to all!

Defeated

That's how I'm feeling. Like I can't fight anymore because everytime I throw a punch, I'm knocked back down on my ass by something else. I went for my colposcopy yesterday. And while the procedure itself wasn't painful, the outcome wasn't as I hoped. I have extensive cervical dysplasia. The GYN was "shocked" that I'd never had an abnormal PAP before. He took 3 biopsies and now I wait until March 5th to find out how bad it really is.

So on top of dealing with the hell that is IF, I have this to worry about. The GYN said that if I have mild dysplasia, there is no reason not to do another IVF cycle. However, if I have moderate or severe dysplasia, they will need to do further testing on my cervix...which could weaken it and prevent me from carrying a baby to term. The thought scares the shit out of me. Not only that, but the thought of cervical cancer at my age (31) scares me even more. I have so much I want to do in my life, I'm not ready for a diagnosis like that.

Postponed

My colposcopy has to be postponed because AF arrived today. They can't do the procedure until 3 days after your cycle ends...so instead of going for the colposcopy on Friday, I'll be doing CD3 BW and an antral follicle scan. Yay for me.

Colposcopy here I come

So I finally got in touch with the GYN...they want me to come in next Friday for a colposcopy. Dr Goo.gle says this is a painless procedure. Then why, might I ask, did the nurse tell me to take a pain killer 1 hour before coming in? Dr Goo.gle also said that an HSG is painless...but, this says differently, and I know better. My question is (and sorry this is TMI) should I not douche between now and next Friday? I usually only douche once a month...usually after my period...and I haven't this month. Anyone see any harm in it?

Has anyone had this done? Was it painful?

I Hate Doctors...

My PCP is the one who does my PAPs every year and he's really a very nice doctor...so when he said he wanted me to see a GYN, not only was I worried, but was also aprehensive. But I checked with my insurance and called a local GYN. They told me they needed my PCP to fax them my results BEFORE I can even make an appointment, so the GYN can see what my PCP wants and can decide if they'll see me. Can you believe that? I've never experienced anything like this! To make matters worse, they said they won't even call me back until at least Monday. So I have to wait all weekend...worrying about an abnormal PAP to even see if this GYN will SEE me. UUUGGGHH! This is why I can't stand doctors...

Another low blow...

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been sick the past week with some type of stomach bug. Anything I eat makes my stomach recoil. And no, I can't be pg. To top matters off, I went for my PAP last week. Results showed ASCUS. (Atypical cells of undetermined significance). Has anyone else had an abnormal PAP and had eveything turn out ok? My GP called at 7pm tonight with the results and it's not like I can run to a GYN this evening. I'm a little worried. Actually, I'm alot worried. I've never had an abnormal PAP. Dr Goo-gle says not to worry...but I can't help it.

AF came a caroling...

oh wait, that season is over. Anyway, AF did come raring her ugly head today. I'm miserable. Haven't had cramps like this in a LONG time. Plus, I have the chills and bodyaches. I hope I'm not coming down with anything.

You Are 56% A Child of the 80s

Back in the day, you were totally 80s. Tubular, totally tubular.

Are You a Child of an 80s?

Poignant Quote

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

I sure hope they're right. I realized yesterday that had my first IVF been successful, my due date would have been the 16th of January. The same day I am going back to see my new RE.

I'm a little late in doing my reflective post for 2007, but when it really came down to it, 2007 just was a bitch of a year for me and I really didn't want to reflect on it at all. 2007 found us undergoing our first IVF cycle, which left me emotionally devastated for months to come. So instead of reflecting, here are my plans for 2008:

- Attend yoga. I signed up for a free seminar through my clinic and if I enjoy it, I may have to find a regular class.
- Start 2nd IVF cycle. I have another consult with my new RE on the 16th of January to talk about next steps.
- Try acupuncture. Not for the IF, but for the relaxation. DH can attest, I've been one big bundle of stress and nerves the last few months and I can't seem to release any of it.
- Actually go to the gym. Both for the weight loss possibilities and the stress relief excersise is said to bring.
- Talk to DH more. I tend to not share with him exacting how I'm feeling because I feel that I'm adding to his stress, which then makes me feel guilty. I need to share more with him.
- Not stress. This one will be the hardest to achieve as I tend to take on alot and then stress over the pressure.

Hope everyone's holidays were bearable...here's to a new year.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to send my warmest wishes to all my fellow bloggers for a happy holiday season...may 2008 bring the peace we wish for.

I'm Rudolph!

You Are Rudolph

Sweet and shy, you tend to be happiest when you're making someone else happy. Why You're Naughty: You sometimes stick that nose where it doesn't belong Why You're Nice: Christmas would be a sad affair without you!

Which of Santa's reindeer are you?

Moving forward...

DH and I sat down last night and completed our IVF cycle paperwork...it was pretty easy since we've completed it before and pretty much knew we would freeze anything that we had left and what we wanted done with those frosties should something happen to one or both of us. I called today to make appointments. I am seeing my general practioner on 01/09/08. I will give him the medical release form to complete and sign. Because I'm overweight, my clinic requires a medical release from my GP stating I am in good health and that he sees no reason why I shouldn't move forward. I really hope he signs off on it...though I can't imagine why he wouldn't. Yes, I'm fat...but my blood pressure/cholesterol levels are good...I have no other physical health problems other than my PCOS. I'll be really upset if he doesn't sign it.
I also have an appointment to see my new RE again on 01/16/08. AF came on 12/05...28 days exactly again from my last one on 11/07...which was 28 days exactly from the one before that on 10/10. So if my body keeps this up...I'm due again on 01/02/08. Right before both of my appointments. I'm glad I only bleed for 3 days. I also signed us up for Yoga for Fertility. Acupuncture for Fertility and Couples Massage for Fertility seminars at our clinic. They are free and I figured it wouldn't hurt anything by going.
So that is where we are...moving forward finally. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. I had told DH that I wasn't sure if I was emotionally ready to go through another cycle...but the more I think about it...I am. I've been ready since I got that BFN call last May. I want to move forward and not look back. The past is in the past...I can't change it, nor can I forget it...I can just learn from it and move forward.
DH - Love you babe!

New Year's Resolutions...

So as the year is coming to a close (OMG!) I've been thinking about what I want my resolution to be for the new year. Every year I've kinda always said the same things...lose weight, exercise more, be more positive etc...but this year I was thinking about something different. What are you resolving to do in the new year? I need some new ideas...help me out here please!

Feeling Better

I've been feeling better the last few days...thank you all for your comments. DH's aunt died on the 28th of November, and her funeral was on Saturday. It was a bit of a wake up call to me. She was always so happy...even while battling uterine cancer. I have my health...I'll live (God willing) another 40 years at least. Her life was taken from her after only 50 years.

We trimmed our Christmas tree on Sunday as well. There is something uplifting to me about seeing this beautiful tree, all lit up with lights and ornaments. I could look at it all day long.

Sorry for the short post...just not much new.

My response...

to my cousin's little pg announcement email was simply to tell her Congratulations and I hope she understands how hard it is for me to hear, but that I am happy for her and her DH. That's about all I could muster. Then she comes back and says that her EDD is August 4, 2008. So I go online to a pg calaculator and find that she would have had a conception date of November 12th! Someone explain to me, how she could know already? I don't get it. I seriously think she's lying about the EDD. Why I don't know. But the best part is, I don't even know why I give a damn! Why do I care? It's not like it has any bearing on my daily life...but that's not true. It does. She lives 5 doors down...I see her quite often.

This sucks!

Oh, and my DH wants me to go "talk" to someone...considering how hard I've taken "this news". Whatever...who knows, it may do me some good.

Confirmed...

**Warning - pg mentioned**

I received confirmation today that my cousin is pg with #2...she sent me an email telling me all about her Thanksgiving and Black Friday experience...the very last line reads "More news to share. I'm pregnant..." I don't know how I'm supposed to respond...Congrats? Glad one of us is part of the fertile world? Part of me is pissed that she didn't have the nerve to tell me over the phone or in person, but the other part of me is happy that I didn't have to look at her or respond right away. The email gives me a chance to get my first reaction of crying my eyes out, out of my system. It's so hard to know that she's going to have 2 before I have one...and we've been trying longer!

I feel like I'm such a failure. I keep thinking "Why me?" What did I do wrong to deserve this hell? The most basic function of being a woman, the ability to conceive, is one that I don't have. I feel like less of a woman...I can't really describe it any other way. It's getting harder and harder to maintain a smile on the outside while I'm falling apart on the inside. This blog is my only lifeline...the only outlet I have. My DH doesn't even know it exists. I hate what my life has become since this IF hell took over.

My heart is crushed

**Warning - pg mentioned (not mine)**

My heart is crushed...I just found out that my cousin is pg with #2. Her DH let it slip to my future BIL...my mom just called me to tell me. My cousin and I are 3 months apart in age...DH and I have been TTC #1 for at least a year before she tried. I was very supportive of her for the whole 3 months she tried to get pg right after going off the pill. They announced pg #1 one day before we left for Hawaii for my wedding. Took all the wind out of my sails then. Stole my thunder I guess you could say. I was very happy for her...even planned her baby shower...her DS is my godson and I love him dearly. But I'm so heartbroken right now that she's pg with #2 and I'm still trying for #1. It hurts so bad. My mom thinks they're going to announce it at Christmas...if they do I'll break out in tears right then and there. It's not fair. My heart is aching.

Pet Peeves

I'm feeling annoyed today...so I thought I'd share some of my pet peeves...

• If you just saw me hit the elevator call button, why must you press it again?
• If you just saw me hit the floor you want, why must you press it again?
• Please people, let me OFF the elevator BEFORE you try to push your way on!
• Please don't clip your nails on the train
• or for that matter...don't paint your nails, pick your nose or get annoyed with me because the train lurched me into you while you were applying your lipstick (I did chuckle at this one)
• If you see that I just loaded the dishwasher, don't put your glass in the sink! Put it in the dishwasher!
• I'm no one's maid, pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper
• If aforementioned clothes are not in the hamper, they don't get washed on laundry day.

Unoriginal post title...

I can't think of anything original for the title of this post just yet...maybe I'll change it later, or not.

First order of business...FamilyofTwo posted about remembering our veterans this holiday season. I want to second this notion. Even if you don't agree with the war, please take a few extra minutes to send an additional holiday card to a wounded soldier at:

A Recovering American Airman, Soldier, Sailor or Marine

c/o Walter Reed Medical Center

6900 Georgia Avenue, NW

Washington, DC 20307-5001

Some may not get to spend the holidays with their loved ones and a small gesture from you will mean the world to them.

Second order of business...thank you to Jenna for the honor of the Flame of Fortitude...

While I'm happy to have the honor of your readership, I'm sorry that we all have these blogs to begin with. I started mine as a way to vent and put my feelings down, and also as a "memento", if you can call it that, of what DH and I are going through. I'd hoped to show it to my child some day. I've learned though, that the kinship I feel with those bloggers that comment here and those bloggers whose stories I follow, is more than a virtual feeling. I've come to hope with these people, to cry with them, get angry with them, feel happy with them and for them. They are more than just anonymous posters in the infinite blogosphere...from them I gain knowledge and confidence, learn to laugh again and know that it's ok to cry. So I nominate all of you for a Flame of Fortitude award. For without your willingness to share, many would be lost in the sea of infertility.

Yet another doc tells me I'm "damaged"

I went to see a chiropractor last night, for reasons that I stated in my previous post. I've never been to a chiro and didn't know what to expect, but I can tell you I didn't expect to be told that I'm damaged! I spent an hour with Dr C, a little woman about 5'2", maybe 100lbs soaking wet. She had me lay on the table and she examined my spine, pointing out that the place I was the most damaged, in my middle back, has nerves that connect to my uterus and ovaries and did I have painful periods or any reproductive issues? Um yes. So now I'm infertile because my back is jacked up? Come on, I may be naive, but I'm not sure I believe that one...but who knows. She also did a thermal scan and took x-rays. She told me my head tilts to the right and is slightly turned to the right, my right shoulder is higher than my left, one of my hips (can't remember which one) is higher than the other, and I don't carry my weight evenly on both feet...my left side carries 5lbs more than my right. Basically, my spine is all out of whack...so I go back tonight to discuss treatment options (how often etc). I never realized that the pain I had in my back could be anything except stress and tension...after last night I've changed my mind.

Ramblings...animal death mentioned

So nothing new on the IF front...DH is still taking his Clomid like a good man...his follow up appt is the 14th...so we'll see where his testosterone levels are at that point. I will most likely be making an appt to go back to the new RE...have to find out if there are any additional tests she wants to run that my other RE didn't.

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to see a chiropractor. I have back pain...all the time. If you poke my lower back, around the tail bone, I'll jump sky high...it's very sensitive. But lately, what's been bothering me the most is what I think is tension pain in my shoulder blades, and it radiates down my right arm...not fun. So I called 2 places and one never answered the phone, and the other is only open until 6:30! I don't get home until 6:15, but luckily the DR there is willing to stay late for a consult with me, then we'll work out something.

What else? HHmmm...oh yea...my birdie died <8'(. I had 2 cockatiels, both since birth. One, Lester, was hand fed and raised by me. The other, Junior, was raised by the parent birds. Well, Junior was at the bottom of his cage last night, on his back. I was not particularly attached to Junior, but it still made me cry to think this poor little birdie didn't live as long as he should have. Cockatiels have a life expectancy of about 10 -15 years. He was 4. I'm not sure what happened...he had food and water, no draft in the room...just died. Now, I am attached to Lester, whom I raised and fed myself from the time he was 7 days old. He's 7. And I would be absolutely heart broken if anything happened to him...big difference huh? I guess that's what happens when you raise them from infancy (wow! isn't that ironic!...Lester could very well be the only one I raise from infancy!) So anyway, DH will bury Junior in our garden today. RIP Junior.

Happy Birthday to me! (One day late)

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. When I was 21, I had hoped to be married and a mom by 25. When I turned 25, I had hoped to be married and a mom by 28. At 28, I was married, but not a mom. As my 31st birthday came and went, I didn't think about being a mom...at least not as obsessively as I have in the past. I enjoyed spending the day with my DH...we both took the day off work. We ran errands and DH made reservations at Harry Carey's for dinner...but it was a laid back, peaceful day. One that was only marred by an under cooked steak, but which was easily remedied. It was the first birthday in a long time that wasn't plagued with the thought of getting older and not having a baby. In fact, I've decided to teach myself how to crochet. Don't laugh...I've done needlepoint, but my eyes are so bad now (I wear bifocals) that it's hard to continue. I want a new hobby. Crocheting is it.

Enlightenment? No, just positive thoughts.

In my last post, I talked about the 3 wonderful ladies in my cycle group who all have gotten their BFP's. Well, as I've been catching up on my blog reading, I learned that some of my fellow bloggers have gotten their BFP's as well. Initially, I wasn't sure how I felt about all these BFP's happening around me when DH and I are stuck in cycle limbo. The more I thought about it, the more I've realized how genuinely happy I am for these women who have suffered the perils of infertility just like I have. Why shouldn't I be happy for them? The only obvious reason I could come up with was "They have what I want". But that's not reason enough to begrudge someone the happiness that I long for. I'm not "that" kind of person.
While I know that positive thinking isn't going to get me pregnant, I also know that negative thinking is not good for the psyche. So I'm going to try to throw out the "Why them and not me?" attitude and focus instead on all the happiness I do have in my life...I have a wonderful, loving DH who would part the seas for me if he could and whom I love more than anything in this world...I have a fulfilling job that keeps my brain active and alert (not to mention pays the bills)...I have a beautiful home and great neighbors...I have a sweet and adorable 17 month old godson whom I love to death...I have a playful dog ...supportive friends.... I know that ONE day, we WILL have the baby that we yearn for.
I have to take things one day at a time...each day that passes is one closer to my dream fulfilled.

Left Behind

I am a little sad today. But I am also very happy. Aside from this blog, I also post on another infertility forum, and have gotten to know some of the women there. I regularly (ok, semi regularly) post on a thread where 4 of us were cycling around the same time. One got her BFP early in the spring...another just about a week or so ago...and the third POAS a few days ago and got a positive. That means, I'm the one "left behind". Now, don't get me wrong, I love these ladies and am very happy that they finally got there, but I also can't help but feeling a little jealous and sad. Now I know what all those VET posters meant when they explained how it felt to be the only one in their "group" to not get pg. I'm feeling that now. Like my heart doesn't know what to do...it's alternately breaking and swelling with happiness for these women, my friends. Can that even happen? I feel like someone is playing with the happy button today...

A Wedding Reception...2 years in the making

As I stated in a previous post...DH and I got married 2 years ago in Maui. We never had an "at home reception" until this weekend. On Saturday, DH and I hosted 60 people in our backyard. Let me tell you...I will NEVER do it again. I was exhausted! My parent's came out on Thursday night to help me since DH was working Friday and Saturday. Friday was spent shopping, setting up tents, tables, chairs, making salads, prepping veggies, making dips. It was non stop! Saturday morning I was charged with making the pasta, picking up the keg, getting the ice. All this while cleaning the house! Party started about 3 and the last people left at 1am. I had SO much food leftover! We were expecting 80 people, and obviously, some didn't show. I was giving food away at the end of the night to people otherwise I would have had to trash it. There was no room in my fridge!

I don't know how people do this. I thought I'd save some bucks by catering the event myself (and I did), but it was SO NOT WORTH the headache (and backache, and foot aches etc). If I ever get up the courage to host this many people again, I'll spring for a party planner and caterer!

Don't get me wrong, the party was fun, and it was great to see all my family and friends. We had a good time (drank the whole keg and then some!), but it was tiring. We received some great gifts (which weren't expected), but I'm still cleaning up.

So when's the next shindig? Who knows...probably New Years! I'm a glutton for punishment!

When rock stars get old...

they should just quit...instead of parading around on stage trying to convince themselves and their fans that they are still 30 years old. See I went to see Aerosmith last night. My first time seeing them in concert...and I was SOOO excited. Well, the show flat out SUCKED! Joan Jett and the Blackhearts opened the show, which wasn't too bad, but I'm not familiar with alot of her songs...only "I Love Rock N Roll"...which she played as I was waiting in line for the ladies room...but I digress. Aerosmith probably didn't come on until about 9:30 and the show was over by 11. The show had no energy...they played alot of stuff that people didn't know...and only a few of their big hits that everyone could sing along with. I've never been to concert were people actually SAT DOWN! It seemed like they were only doing the show out of obligation...see, they postponed the original date (9/10) and it felt like they didn't really want to be doing it...even though the place was SOLD OUT!

I understand that these guys are nearing 60 and can't be jumping around the stage like they did 30 years ago, but I at least thought I'd hear some awesome tunes...Steve Tyler barely even sang...alot of the songs were drawn out with alot of instrumentals...He only sang 1 verse of Sweet Emotion and then there was 10 minutes of Joe Perry strumming his guitar!

All in all I was extremely disappointed with the experience...Metallica put on a better show.

What do I talk about now?

First I want to say that Jenna received some pretty devastating news...please go see her and send your love.


As for me, the whole point of this blog was to capture our journey to being parents by way of IVF. Since cycling has been put on hold until at least next year, I'm not sure what I should use this blog for now. I don't want to abandon it, but I also don't want to bore my small audience with my mundane life routine. I'll have to see what new and exciting things I can begin to do to give me more to discuss.


For today I'll tell you about the party DH and I are throwing in a few weeks. DH and I were married October 5, 2005 in Maui, Hawaii. We swore we would throw an "at home reception" the following spring...well that was a bust since we put our house up for sale. Then we said we'd have a party on our first anniversary...that didn't work either since our house sold and our new house fell through and we were basically homeless for 2 months. (Seriously, we lived with my in laws and were so cramped we stayed out as long as we could at night).


So now we're coming up on our 2 year anniversary and we're finally throwing a shin dig. We invited 120 people to our brand new house on the 29th (Yikes, what was I thinking!) and so far 65 have accepted. We plan on having the bash in our backyard (we have a 1/2 acre) and are hoping and praying that our weatherman will keep any rain at bay. I can't imagine having almost 70 people crammed IN my house. The thought frightens me. But what scares me the most is that alot of these people don't know that DH and I have done one IVF cycle and are seeking ART treatments. I just know that we're going to be bombarded with questions about when we're going to have children. Want to know what my response will be? Well, depending on my mood it could range from "A baby will come to us when he/she is ready" to "Mind your own fucking business" I hope I'm in a good mood that day.

Thank you

First I want to say thank you to the few followers I have on my blog...your comments from my post yesterday helped me out of the trench I was in.

So out of one trench and into another...DH has a low testosterone level. Normal range is around 350, his is at 212. What does this mean? Aside from causing low sperm counts, it can also affect his health in other ways...muscle mass, bone density etc. He goes back next week to see the vampire again to draw more blood. Doc thinks DH will need to take Clomid (imagine that!)...but any changes in his sperm count won't be fully realized until at least 3 months from now. Which means we won't be cycling until next year!

I'm very upset about not being able to cycle...though I knew this was a possibility. It all has to do with the goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year...I wanted to be pregnant before the end of 2007....preferably before my 31st birthday, but since that's in a month THAT won't be happening. It's hard to think that I was 27 when DH and I started this journey...I know other women have been trying far longer than I, and my heart goes out to all of them...but it doesn't ease my pain today...only adds to it. I don't want to think that I could be joining their ranks, and that with each passing year, my chances diminish even more. As it is my FSH level is high for my age (I think it was 13 last I had it checked).

Anyway, I'm not trying to diminish anyone's experiences...we each have our pain and I'm respectful of that. I'm just afraid that we may not get another shot at this...

Does this mean I really don't want a baby?

I'm overweight...this I know. It's partly due to my PCOS, partly due to my eating habits, and partly due to my lack of exercise. I know this...but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. My doc prescribed Metformin for me...but I don't take it because it upsets my stomach...I have horrible eating habits...I don't eat breakfast 90% of the time, eat a quick lunch and then the only saving grace of the day is that I usually have a decent dinner. I can't seem to change that...I'll start off with determination, to change my habits, but within a week, I've reverted to my old ways.

I also don't exercise...I have a desk job, so I don't move around a whole lot during the work day...I have a 2 hour commute to and from work, so that's an additional 4 hours a day I can't move. I leave home at 5:45am and don't get home until after 6pm...then I make dinner so it's ready when DH gets home around 7. By the time we're done and everything is cleaned up, I'm exhausted from the day. We have walked around the neighborhood on days when he gets home early, but those aren't as often as I would need.

As I was pondering all these things today, I wondered if because I can't seem to change my habits, if that means that deep down I don't want to get pg? My heart and my mind tell me that's not true, but I know what the RE will say...you need to lose weight, change your eating habits and exercise more...and I can't seem to discipline myself enough to follow through.

Could it be that subconsciously I am waiting to hear the results from DH's tests today? To see if we can even proceed to IVF#2 with his sperm? to see if the results tell us that we would need to use donor sperm and I know DH isn't ready to make that choice yet? I can't seem to grasp why I can't seem to follow through on making the changes in my life that I know can only help me get pg in the long run...what's wrong with me?

6 Years Later...and I still remember...

where I was at 7:56am CST when the first plane hit the World Trade Center. I was on a bus, on my way to work, in downtown Chicago. I was listening to the radio when they broke into the current song with the news. I remember walking into my office, where it was business as usual...no one had heard the news. That changed after the second plane hit...people were glued to cnn.com, and msnbc.com watching the latest updates, me included.

I remember trying to reach my father, who also worked in the city...to only get voicemail.

I remember holding one woman who worked for me after she came into work, only to hear the news and break down in tears...her aunt and cousin worked on the 97th floors of the towers...they never did recover her cousin's remains.

I remember a woman who had an account with us, who worked for Fred Alger Management...her name I will never forget. Meredith Whalen. She was just 23. I never met her, only spoke to her on the phone once or twice about her account. But for some reason, her name stays with me. Maybe because she was so close in age to me.

I remember senior management sending everyone home, fearing that the Sears Tower could be a target as well. I was one of the last to leave...all the trains were packed with people, yet they were eerily silent. Everyone sat in stunned silence.

I remember getting home and being glued to the television, like so much of America.

I remember crying.

I remember being sad.

I remember being angry that terrorists could do this to my fellow Americans.

I remember everyone saying "We Will Never Forget".

6 years later, I'm still glued to msnbc.com, watching the memorial service.

6 years later, I'm still crying.

6 years later, I'm still sad.

6 years later, I'm still angry...but now I'm angry that others seem to have forgotten.

I am the only one wearing any semblance of red, white and blue in my office. My house was the only one I saw with the American Flag proudly displayed. Why have people seemed to have forgotten?

I Will Never Forget

My boring life...

So it's been more than a week since I last posted here...is that because my life is so boring that I'm embarrassed to share? Yes and no. Lately, my life has been boring and I've been wallowing in self pity. DH has been working late each night b/c they are short handed...so that leaves me...just me...in a 4 bdrm house...all alone. Don't get me wrong...I love my house...purchased with the intention that we would fill it with children's laughter and lots of family get togethers...it's for that same reason that I'm up to my eyeballs with self pity. I sit in our family room...alone...wondering what I should be doing. Dusting? done. Vacuuming? done. Laundry? done. Dishes? done. I'm telling you I have the cleanest toilets you'll ever see...I can't clean anymore...there's just nothing left to clean. All my girlfriends have kids, or live over an hour away. I'm not a phone person so I don't call anyone. I think I've been to the end of the Internet...the only solace I've found has been in the form of a few drinks with the neighbors across the street.

So I'm not neglecting this blog...just have nothing to say lately...I hope that will change soon.

Stupid people

Why do people insist on telling me that I need to relax and I will get pg? If it were that easy we'd have a whole soccer team by now!



Growing up, there were 4 of us girls who all went to school together and have known each other since kindergarden. Our parents are also friends. So this weekend was one of the girls (J's) father's 60th birthday party. J and her sister, G, both have kids...this I knew going in...didn't bother me. What bothered me was that our parent's sat there and passed pictures of their grandkids around. My poor mother (who knows our IVF woes) and one other mother didn't contribute to the picture parade. When my mom was asked if I had kids (right in front of me by the way, couldn't they just ask me) she said no, but that we were working on it.



In my pissed off state, I decided to chime in and say that we are seeking medical assistance...to which I get, from not one, but THREE people...oh just relax and it will happen...I know so and so was having issues and they did this and they got pg! UUGGHH I wanted to strangle them!! Why do people insist on putting their 2 cents in when it's not asked for or wanted?

I wonder...

I wonder what it will be like to see those 2 pink lines
I wonder what it will feel like to first know you are there, growing big & strong inside me
I wonder if I will cry out with joy when I first hear your heartbeat...this I can guarantee
I wonder when I'll first get to feel you move and kick...where will I be?
I wonder if you will look like me, or like your daddy, or like whomever first gives you life
I wonder about your birthday and cry when I think of how happy I will be when you are laid upon my chest.
I wonder when I will be able to hold you in my arms and inhale your sweet baby scent
I wonder when I'll be able to look into your eyes and see your sweet smile

I wonder when you will decide to come into our lives...we think of you often...

Should weight be an issue in adoption?

Someone on another board posted this article. Should weight come into play when deciding if someone can be a proper caregiver to a child? In my opinion, it can go either way. If someone who is morbidly obese and unable to care for themselves, then I would say they shouldn't be able to adopt a child...if they can't care for themselves how can they care for a baby? But a person who is still active and generally healthy...in this man's case...then I don't think weight should play into it. It's a fine line...China has restrictions on weight to adopt internationally...no one is in uproars over that. Is it discrimination when a judge in our country rules that weight is an issue but not when China does? Would love to hear other's ideas...

Tired of rain...

DH and I live in a new construction community...and with that comes dirt, lots of dirt...and with lots of rain, that dirt turns into mud...not just wet dirt, but the kind of mud that when you step in it, you actually are sucked down into the ground. It's been raining here almost everyday for the last 2 weeks...and we're not talking a spring shower here...terrential downpours with all the thunder and lightning you can handle, tornado warnings, flood watches...you get the idea.

Yesterday was garbage day, so when I got home from work I decided I'd take the can from the street to the yard where we keep it. It was only drizzling at this point, though I knew from the black storm clouds that it was going to get much much worse. As I'm taking the can into the yard, I'm being sucked into the ground by all the mud and yuck that is currently our yard. I realized at that point that we were missing one of our patio chairs. Now, our yard is fenced, so for a patio chair to be missing means either someone took one, or the wind was so bad earlier that it blew away. You can guess that the answer is the latter.

I located our patio chair in our neighbor's yard and proceeded to retrieve it, only to turn around and SEE the wall of rain coming through the yards towards me. Now usually when it rains it starts as a few drops then proceeds to get progressively worse...not yesterday...as that wall of water came towards me, I could hear it moving...like a live animal stalking it's prey. I was doomed. As I tried to run back around to the front of the house, all the while the mud wants me to stay in one place, the wall hit. In the 30 seconds I was in the actual downpour I was soaked to the core. Underthings and all. Drenched. I looked like a drowned rat.

It got so bad yesterday that the emergency sirens went off and continued their ear piercing warning for about 45 minutes. As my dog and I hunkered down in the basement, all I could say to myself was "There's no place like home, There's no place like home".

The aftermath wasn't too bad...a lot of LARGE puddles, but thankfully, since we are in a new construction community, there weren't the large tree limbs falling that there were in other nearby suburbs.

What's the point of this post? There isn't one. There isn't anything new to report on the IF front, so I figured I talk about my experience with the weather front. God I just LOVE the Midwest!

My furry son...

So this is my furry boy, Sox. This picture was taken about 3 years ago when he first came to live with us. He looks so happy here. When we first saw Sox in his cage at a local animal control, he cowered in the corner and looked so pitiful...like he had given up all hope. DH initially didn't want to consider him, but something in his eyes made me want to take him outside and play. Once outside, he was a different dog...playful and obedient...even rolled onto his back for a belly rub! Turns out, his first family wasn't very kind to him. When we first brought him home, he would run away if we rolled up a newspaper to swat a fly. After lots of work and lots and lots of love, he's the most loyal companion we've ever had. Spoiled rotten too. But he's an "only" and you know what they say about "only's"...

History...

So the purpose of this blog is to vent, whine, cry and swear at the world of infertility...but it occurred to me that no one would know why I am such a bitter bitch when it comes to IF unless I explain (not that I give a rat's ass what people think). So DH and I have known each other since we were 15...at 27 (in 2003) he finally decided that he wanted to settle down...low and behold he chose me. In January of 2004, I stopped bcp...I was 27 years old...had no reason to believe we would have problems conceiving. Had I known then what I know now, I would have saved all the money I spent on bcp!

I digress, we proceeded to try to have a baby the natural way...with no success. In 2005 I began to chart my temps and check my mucus every month...when that didn't work, we made an appointment to see urologist for DH to get a sperm analysis done. We had no reason to think that the problem would be with me...I'd had what I considered regular periods since I was 13...every 28 - 32 days...with an occasional longer cycle that I attributed to stress or some other live event going on at that point. The results of the SA were not good...but they weren't horrible. DH had low sperm counts, but the urologist stated that there was no reason that we couldn't concieve...it just might take longer than normal.

When we weren't pregnant by 2006, we decided that we should seek additional medical help. Now this is where I start to regret my choices. We weren't the most knowledgeable on RE's...had no idea how to find one. I asked my general practitioner, who was also my gyne, and he really didn't know...I called around to some obs and none could recommend anyone for us to go see. We ended up searching on our insurance website for RE's and picked one that "sounded good". She had studied at Harvard and had high reviews by other insurance holders who chose her.

My first appointment I was alone...DH couldn't get off work...and so nervous. That was in May 2006. I remember her saying that "we will get you pregnant"...OMG was I naive to believe and fall for that hook, line and sinker. I quickly made an appointment to have the recommended tests run...my HCG, endometrial biopsy, and glucose tolerance test were all scheduled before the end of May...before DH even had a chance to meet her.

My HCG revealed slight blockages in both my tubes that were "blown out" during the most hideously painful 10 minutes of my life. My biopsy was good, and my glucose test showed slight insulin resistance. She diagnosed me as PCOS...Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I was put on Metformin and fish oils and told to keep trying naturally. In September 2006, I had ovarian drilling surgery, which I now believe was a complete waste of money and time. I noticed nothing different after the surgery than before...except that I was very weepy for about a week...but that could have been due to the fact that I felt like I'd been socked in the gut.

My RE suggested IVF...we told her we weren't ready to take that step yet and we would wait a few months for me to heal properly...we also had just sold our townhouse and were living with the in-laws at the time...we wanted to wait until we had our house...we really thought IVF would work the first time. Ha!

I called my RE's office in February of 2007...

"We're ready to start IVF with Dr so and so" I said

"Oh, Dr so and so left the practice in October" said the know it all receptionist

What the fuck!!

"Didn't you receive the letter we sent to all her patients" she continued

"Um, no, I didn't" (obviously) I said

"Well she did...you can see Dr pain in the ass though"

"Um, ok?"

I should have known from that conversation that things would not go well. Don't get me wrong, I didn't almost die or anything, but things just didn't go how I thought they would. I was put back on bcp when I started my period at the end of February...and started stims in April. During all my monitoring appts I was never told how many follies I had, never told how large they were...didn't know that I was supposed to be told those things until I joined an IVF board and all the other women were talking about follie size. On April 26th, Dr pain in the ass retrieved 23 eggs from me...16 of which were mature. None fertilized initally. We were devasted...we told the embyrologist that if there were no good signs we weren't going to transfer. On April 30th, the office called me and patched in Dr Egg (the embryologist)...3 eggs had fertilized...very slowly. There were currently 2 4 cell embies and 1 3 cell embie. They were slow growing, but other than that, looked good. He recommended we transfer.

I rushed from work to the office after consulting with DH. I was never given photos of my embies...and was so hopped up on adrenaline, I didn't even think to ask for them. During my 2ww, I knew...I knew that it would be negative. I knew it like I knew my name...it was just there. Sure enough, on May 15th, we went for the beta...absolutely no HCG in my system. Even though I knew...it was still a huge blow.

Now my bitterness comes into play at the way Dr pain in the ass treated the whole after consult...we waited for an hour before he saw us, told us "Oh well, it's all in the numbers, you can't expect a positive every time...when would you like to cycle again". What???? No, I'm sorry for your pain. No, I know it's hard. Just when would you like to pay me again????? He proceeded to shove us into a nurse's office so she could answer any questions we had about our failed cycle. I knew at that moment that I would never step foot in his office ever again. On the way out, I requested copies of my records be sent to me....I made appointments with 2 other RE's for consults...I did whatever I could to move forward and not be bitter at this man...but the reality is, I am bitter at him. That was my first experience with ART...I was nervous and scared and hopeful and he took advantage of that. He drives around town in his Maserati thinking he's God's gift to ART...but he's a pig...plain and simple.

Some women shouldn't be mothers...

So ok...on one of the other boards I post on someone posted this article. I can not express how angry Maier's comments made me. I want to be a mother more than anything...and for someone to describe her children the way she did is just wrong. Maybe she shouldn't have had children...maybe she should show her kids a little love and attention instead of bitching about them. I mean, her eldest is 13...old enough to read the horrible things her mother says about her. Now I know that motherhood isn't all sugar and roses...but it can't be the sewer rut Maier describes it as...otherwise no one would want children.

Another day...another doctor

So C and I went to see Dr N yesterday...he's a urologist specializing in male factor infertility. He seemed quite nice...reminded me alot of Dr McDreamy from Grey's Anatomy...same hair cut, color, body shape and all. So he started by going over our history...but since I'm anal about keeping records straight, it was easy...simply handed him a binder with all our medical records in it....separated into sections for C and I each and also a section for our cycles...then he proceeded to ask me to leave the room while he did a physical exam on C. Uh ok...it's not like I haven't seen C's package before, or seen how a dr does an exam...but ok...whatever. What happened next was completely unexpected.

Before I share, let me preface by saying that C has had multiple SA's done, and has also had ultrasounds done to verify the presence of varicocele...with the only issue being his sperm. So Dr. N after 5 minutes of just feeling up C tells us that he could FEEL the varicocele! I guess all the other drs who've touched C's sack weren't really all that in tune with what they were looking for!

So anyway, Dr N suggested that C provide him yet another sample to be tested at the University lab he is affiliated with. Along with blood tests...but doesn't think that the varicocele will be an issue...

So I'll add Dr N's card to my ever growing stack...

Just once...

Just once I'd like to know what it's like to be pregnant...to see those 2 little lines on a HPT. I've long ago given up on the notion that my husband and I will ever conceive a child "the old fashioned way"...by having sex. I wanted to start this blog as a way for me to vent my frustrations, document our journey and share our experiences.

Some history...my husband, we'll call him C, and I have been married 2 years this October...and TTC#1 for 3 years...by no means any significant length of time compared to some. C has low counts and abnormal morphology...I have a high FSH level (13 at age 30) and PCOS. We've been through one IVF cycle...which was a JOKE...but we'll leave that for another day....and will be attempting another cycle sometime in the near future. We have an appointment for C at a male factor specialist on Wednesday...so we'll have to go from there I guess.

Anyway...this is my first crack at a blog, so be kind.

Maternity Photos

These are the last belly shots we got before Alexis' arrival. They were taken at 35 weeks 4 days, mere 5 days before she was born by my sister...these are the ones I liked best.