Monday, March 3, 2008

Letter to my Body

As requested by is my letter.

Dear Body,

You and I first met 31 years ago. I'll admit, I don't remember much about our early relationship, but we've been inseparable. My only question for you, my closest companion, is why? Why have you denied me so much in life and put me through so much pain? Are you punishing me for something I did early on in our relationship? For not exercising or eating right?

I remember when you bestowed a menstrual cycle on me. I was 13. Is the pain you caused any way to introduce a child to womanhood? The debilitating cramps, the body aches, the diarrhea. No drugs I pumped into you eased your rampage. Gone were the days of perfect attendance in school, for that first day each month, you made sure I was crying out in pain. That is, until my doctor prescribed birth control. Then I had you. I know you weren't happy to be reigned in, but it was the only way I could live each month. I hoped you'd understand.

Then you bestowed PCOS and thyroid issues on me. Why? Was being on bcp really SO bad? You had to throw more at me? Did you know that the acne, excess hair growth and weight gain associated with PCOS made high school a living hell for me? Did you care? I'm sure you knew as you and I spent many hours in my bedroom crying after school. Not that it changed anything. You only laughed at my sorrow.

But I think the worst thing of all that you've done has been to deny me the ability to become a mother. How can you do that to me? I can deal with all the past hardships you've thrown at me, and even forgive you for them, but this I can never forgive you for. Do you have any idea how much I feel like a failure? Procreation is the most primitive animal instinct, and you've denied me that privilege. All the procedures we've been through. Injecting dye into our uterus to blow out a blockage in our tubes. Surgery. Biopsies. And the countless trans vaginal ultrasounds, fondly named Dildocams. Body, you seem undeterred by all this. You won't give me an inch. Even after I injected you countless times with hormones. You won't back down. Why? Why? Why? Is it such a horrible thing that my husband and I feel the joy of pregnancy and parenthood? To look down upon a little bundle of joy and see ourselves?

I feel like I've treated you right over the years...maybe not excellent, but at the very least, I've been kind. I haven't doped you up with illegal drugs. Haven't poisoned our liver with alcohol. I sleep enough to refresh and invigorate you. I try to eat well...and I know I need to move you around more, but overall I've been good to you. I just wish you could give a little...just once.




Rebecca said...

Nicely done.

Denise said...

If I were your body and read this letter, I would totally start cooperating! Love it.

M said...

Amy- I might send a carbon copy of your letter to my body if that's ok with you. I have PCOS, too, and I hate my ovaries 24 hours a day. Trying to get past that. Hope you're doing well.

Familyof2 said...

I love these letters!