Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Does this mean I really don't want a baby?

I'm overweight...this I know. It's partly due to my PCOS, partly due to my eating habits, and partly due to my lack of exercise. I know this...but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. My doc prescribed Metformin for me...but I don't take it because it upsets my stomach...I have horrible eating habits...I don't eat breakfast 90% of the time, eat a quick lunch and then the only saving grace of the day is that I usually have a decent dinner. I can't seem to change that...I'll start off with determination, to change my habits, but within a week, I've reverted to my old ways.

I also don't exercise...I have a desk job, so I don't move around a whole lot during the work day...I have a 2 hour commute to and from work, so that's an additional 4 hours a day I can't move. I leave home at 5:45am and don't get home until after 6pm...then I make dinner so it's ready when DH gets home around 7. By the time we're done and everything is cleaned up, I'm exhausted from the day. We have walked around the neighborhood on days when he gets home early, but those aren't as often as I would need.

As I was pondering all these things today, I wondered if because I can't seem to change my habits, if that means that deep down I don't want to get pg? My heart and my mind tell me that's not true, but I know what the RE will need to lose weight, change your eating habits and exercise more...and I can't seem to discipline myself enough to follow through.

Could it be that subconsciously I am waiting to hear the results from DH's tests today? To see if we can even proceed to IVF#2 with his sperm? to see if the results tell us that we would need to use donor sperm and I know DH isn't ready to make that choice yet? I can't seem to grasp why I can't seem to follow through on making the changes in my life that I know can only help me get pg in the long run...what's wrong with me?


Fertilize Me said...

I ahave had this line of thoughts before. Hug... Wishing you a better outlook tomorrow

Erin said...

Of course only you know deep down if you really want a baby or not, but to me all signs point to yes. You've charted, you've put yourself through IVF, and this has been at the forefront of your mind (I'm guessing) for three years now. All the habits you say you "can't" change are ones that are REALLY hard to change. Plus worrying about changing them all at once has to be so hard on you. Especially with your commute and schedule, it's amazing you can even get it together to do anything at all. I'm amazed! Just keep trying to do the best you can and best of luck with your husband's tests!

Chanti said...

Found your blog through cycle sistas.
Just to let you know that I am in the same boat, I've had the same questions. I have been overweight all off my adult life and was told by other doctor that I need to loose weight before they would even consider helping us. Mr. Golf is sterile so we've had no option but to use donor sperm. It's taken a long time but we've made peace with that fact. What I want to say to you is that loosing weight is a battle I loose almost on a daily basis. I am an emotional eater and the whole IF thing doesn't help towards that at all. I try and set a goal for myself on a daily basis now any thing longer and it fails. The FS that we are with now is not concerned with my weight and we are halfway through our 1st IVF. Just love yourself for who you are

Delenn said...

Been there..and I hope you don't mind a long post.

After we had all the tests at the clinic, while the main factor was male infertility (secondary); the Dr. said I was "bordering on diabetic" with my glucose levels and so before we even went on a cycle, he wanted me to take 3 months to lose 30 lbs. He recommended (because of the diabetic issue) lower carb and more exercising (I was already exercising).

Now, when he said all this--the first couple days I cried my eyes out. I have been overweight since I was 13. I was overweight when I got pregnant with my son (which, btw, was FINE--so overweight is never the only issue!!!). However, I gained 50lbs from pregnancy, and with the depression of not having ferility problems, I had gained another 20lbs.!

So. I looked at the low carb stuff. And I think most of it is crap. I always feel moderation is good. BUT I found a book that really really helped me--Low-Carb Dieting For Dummies by Katherine B. Chauncey. It was written well, was for a moderate change in carb in-take, and was easy to follow.

As for exercise. I work full time and have an 8 year old, house, husband and pets. I really don't have time. BUT I found it. I got up 1/2 hour earlier and biked on the stationary bike for 20 mins. I worked out at lunchtime--now, it really really helped that we have a fitness room--but still a walk around the building... I brought my lunches in. It was hard, but got easier.

And I lost 60 lbs. in 6 months. Now, I am still overweight, mind you. I am still above the acceptable BMI. But, when I got to the clinic, my glucose was down, and we were ready to do it. They had me lose 10 more pounds before the first cycle. 1st IVF did not work; 2nd did.

So, I am telling you---YOU can Do this!!! Really!!! And you don't have to lose a lot to help your chances either!!

Sunny Jenny said...

Hey, just popped over from cyclesista. I am overweight with PCOS and MF too. I know what you're going through. I took 18 months off from ART to loose weight. I did loose some but not as much as I would have liked to loose.

It's a battle for sure. I am on Met. and it did upset my stomach for a while but my body got use to it and I can't even tell anymore.

I am here if you need support and encouragement.

Good luck to you.