That's how long it's been since C and I started TTC#1. In that time we've had 4 birthdays, 5 New Year's Eves, 6 pregnancy announcements within our family, 4 of which have already resulted in live births. 2 of which are second children. There have been countless BFPs in the blogosphere as well as live births, adoption matches and adoptions finalized. There have also been countless BFNs, miscarriages, fetal losses, stillbirths, adoption matches fallen through and other heartbreaking news. It's any wonder that any of us keep going. But that's all we know isn't it? We have to keep going, keep moving forward. To achieve whatever goal it was that we set out for in the first place. I think back on the last 4+ years and I wonder where it all went. Where did the time go? Has it REALLY been THAT long? And I think, will it be another 1,565 days before I achieve MY goal? I hope not. I do know that I couldn't do it without all of you. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles makes it a little bit easier. What's the old saying? Misery loves company?
I've been keeping something from all of you. And it wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers post about her emotional struggle with a similar diagnosis that I realized I shouldn't be hiding this. This blog is supposed to be representative of my journey to our child. If I left this out, it wouldn't be accurate. So...along with my cervical dysplasia, I was diagnosed with HPV. Since then, I've struggled emotionally with it. I have no idea how or when I "got" it, or from who. I've been with my husband for 5 years and before that was in another relationship for almost 8 years. So either I "got" it 14 years ago or from my last long term relationship. I feel dirty and unclean, like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I was careful, wasn't out whoring around. Why did this have to happen to me? Along with all the IF shit that we have to deal with, now I have to worry about this.
There it is folks. It's out there. I no longer have an elephant in my room. But I don't feel any better about it.