Monday, April 14, 2008

1,565 days

37,560 hours
2,253,600 minutes

That's how long it's been since C and I started TTC#1. In that time we've had 4 birthdays, 5 New Year's Eves, 6 pregnancy announcements within our family, 4 of which have already resulted in live births. 2 of which are second children. There have been countless BFPs in the blogosphere as well as live births, adoption matches and adoptions finalized. There have also been countless BFNs, miscarriages, fetal losses, stillbirths, adoption matches fallen through and other heartbreaking news. It's any wonder that any of us keep going. But that's all we know isn't it? We have to keep going, keep moving forward. To achieve whatever goal it was that we set out for in the first place. I think back on the last 4+ years and I wonder where it all went. Where did the time go? Has it REALLY been THAT long? And I think, will it be another 1,565 days before I achieve MY goal? I hope not. I do know that I couldn't do it without all of you. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles makes it a little bit easier. What's the old saying? Misery loves company?

I've been keeping something from all of you. And it wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers post about her emotional struggle with a similar diagnosis that I realized I shouldn't be hiding this. This blog is supposed to be representative of my journey to our child. If I left this out, it wouldn't be accurate. So...along with my cervical dysplasia, I was diagnosed with HPV. Since then, I've struggled emotionally with it. I have no idea how or when I "got" it, or from who. I've been with my husband for 5 years and before that was in another relationship for almost 8 years. So either I "got" it 14 years ago or from my last long term relationship. I feel dirty and unclean, like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I was careful, wasn't out whoring around. Why did this have to happen to me? Along with all the IF shit that we have to deal with, now I have to worry about this.

There it is folks. It's out there. I no longer have an elephant in my room. But I don't feel any better about it.

6 comments:

Waiting said...

Do not freak abou this. Something like 70% of sexually active women have it---including ME. It does NOT mean you are dirty or anything of the sort. It's incredibly common. As long as you are monitored annually with pap smears, you should be perfectly fine.

JJ said...

Im sorry this elephant has been in your room, Amy--I DO hope you start to feel better after sharing. (hugs)

Jen said...

I'm sorry. That sucks. But don't worry about it. It isn't your fault. My mom has it!

Also, my friend just had cervical cancer. She had part of her cervix removed and will need a cerclage for pregnancy. But she's fine, didn't need chemo or anything else. Just outpatient surgery. Just keep an eye on it and it is nothing to worry about.

Denise said...

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else. I don't think it is anything to be ashamed of AT ALL and I'm glad you told us. Hopefully your load is ever so slightly lighter having shared your secret with us.

Jen said...

I was going to say exactly what Waiting said, something like 70 percent of all women have it...

I think the scariest part of having cervical dysplasia is the fact it can be cancer and so many people gloss over that fact.

Lots of hugs!

Anonymous said...

At 43, long story, just went through IVF-ICSI, BFN en Dec., and had all arranged for DE+DS! in May (major coordination, chosing new clinic, DE + DS, figuring out our finances also I live in a Europe and all of this we were doing in the US at +40k!(I am American)), found out I have level III HPV - major shock as I have only had 6 partners/sexual "encounters" in my life (3 with/o protection but major relationships (husband, ex-H and other major love), and 3 with protection not major relationships - I was not "promiscuous" as the expression goes! I was "miss goody two-shoes" for goodness sakes! I have countless friends who don't even know the number of people they have been with. I thought I was VERY careful too! (and I ALWAYS have my annual gyn and the last one was only 10 months ago and all OK!!). Did biopsy today and they found 3 lesions. Go figure. Transfer is off. We are now looking into surrogacy and adoption. Where the hell did I get this and WHY NOW does it show up? I think stress and all the hormones I took for the IVF. What a "f" nightmare. I never had even heard of HPV until they came out with this vaccine. Otherwise I would have, what? Um. Never had sex? They can't test HPV in men, so? Unless they have genital warts, you can't know. Right now I'm kinda like I don't want to worry about my cervix forever, and maybe I'll have my uterus removed just to get rid of this for good. HPV sucks big-time! My second husband of 9 years only had one other partner before me, but then, maybe she had others? Or maybe my ex, or maybe the other guy I loved. Who knows where this came from? It is like a bad weed! And combined with pursing a baby and IVFs, at my age, the end of the road.