Monday, November 26, 2007

Confirmed...

**Warning - pg mentioned**

I received confirmation today that my cousin is pg with #2...she sent me an email telling me all about her Thanksgiving and Black Friday experience...the very last line reads "More news to share. I'm pregnant..." I don't know how I'm supposed to respond...Congrats? Glad one of us is part of the fertile world? Part of me is pissed that she didn't have the nerve to tell me over the phone or in person, but the other part of me is happy that I didn't have to look at her or respond right away. The email gives me a chance to get my first reaction of crying my eyes out, out of my system. It's so hard to know that she's going to have 2 before I have one...and we've been trying longer!

I feel like I'm such a failure. I keep thinking "Why me?" What did I do wrong to deserve this hell? The most basic function of being a woman, the ability to conceive, is one that I don't have. I feel like less of a woman...I can't really describe it any other way. It's getting harder and harder to maintain a smile on the outside while I'm falling apart on the inside. This blog is my only lifeline...the only outlet I have. My DH doesn't even know it exists. I hate what my life has become since this IF hell took over.

3 comments:

CLicK said...

I completely understand how you feel. I keep thinking that this is all a nightmare and that I must wake up soon...

I spent the majority of Wednesday (before Thanksgiving) bawling because I found out that a friend -who was coming to our house for dinner - and who has also been very wishy washy on kids, is 9wks pregnant....it was almost too much to bare.

Try to remember that YOU are not a failure, it is so hard to believe it sometimes, but it is true!

Fertilize Me said...

I hate it for you !!! I say ..don't respond. That's not mean .. It's self preservation! And you can have as much of it as you need to survive! Hugs to you

mary ellen said...

I am sorry. I have been there. Don't feel like you need to respond if you aren't up to it.