Are you eating??

This is what the NP said to me today upon learning that I've dropped another 2lbs in weight. I wanted to say, "No, I've been starving myself and my baby" but I just looked at her and said, of course. While my weight loss isn't of any huge concern (remember, I'm a plus size gal to start with) I was still taken aback when she asked this.

So anyway, had our ultrasound as well. We got to see baby's kidneys, stomach, brain, arm and leg bones, and spine. We did see baby's heart, but not all 4 chambers, it seems she was in a bad position. Yes, I said she. It appears with 90% certainty that Lucky is a little girl. The tech said because of her position, she couldn't get a "clear shot", but that she's 90% sure it's a girl. We get to go back in 4 weeks for another ultrasound because the tech couldn't get the picture of all 4 heart chambers, so we'll be able to confirm then.

I have a few pictures, but they aren't that great since baby wasn't cooperating. I swear I felt her flip over while we were in the waiting room. I'll post them as soon as I have a chance to scan them.

Everyone please have a safe and Happy New Year!

In just a few hours...

we will hopefully find out if Lucky is a baby boy or a baby girl. I have no gut feeling either way at this point, though today I'm thinking girl. The poll is tied, so only time will tell. I'm hoping we don't have a shy child! Obviously, the most important thing is that baby is developing normally. I'm SO excited to see him/her again. It's been 10 weeks since we last had a peek!

I'll post more later with new pics (if we get some good ones!)

What a difference a year makes

As DH and I were driving around on Sunday morning, doing the last of our Christmas shopping, listening to the Christmas tunes on the radio, this thought popped into my head, and my eyes welled up with tears.

This time last year, I was dreading the holidays. We had a horrible experience with an IVF failure behind us, and the newly announced pregnancy of my cousin with #2 to deal with. I didn't want to celebrate. I didn't want to see anyone, let alone the family who would look at us with pity in their eyes and dance around the subject of pregnancy or babies with us. It was this time last year that my husband said to me that maybe I needed to see a counselor to help me deal with the emotions of infertility. Though he didn't say it quite like that. Last year, we put up our tree, hung our stockings, decorated to the gills...all in a way to put on a "happy face" for the outside world while I was crying inside.

This year is so different. Lucky is growing big and strong inside me. I'll be 21 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I can't put into words the emotions this brings up in me. I'm so eternally grateful to be given this experience. Feeling Lucky move around makes me well up each and every time. Granted, they are only little flutters, but just knowing what it is, makes it all the more special. But yet, I haven't forgotten how I felt last year...and my heart breaks knowing that there are others out in the world who are feeling today, how I felt last year. I want to wrap my arms around each of you and just hug you.

While I'm happy this year to be where I am, and all the tears shed this holiday season are tears of joy, I send a prayer up for each and every infertile couple out there. May you find peace and joy in your lives.

Christmas Pics

As promised, here are a few pics we took on Sunday...

Our tree...we cut this sucker down ourselves!

This is me standing in front of the tree without a flash.

My 2 boys. Buddy is just like me and blinks! LOL

Another one of my boys...and another blinker!

20 weeks...we're halfway there!

Today was my 20 week appointment. My bp was normal at 108/70...I've not gained a pound yet...still holding steady at the same weight from 4 weeks ago! Big plus for me since I'm already a plus sized gal. No u/s today, but we did hear the baby's heartbeat. It was a glorious sound. I'm always SO nervous before an appointment...afraid that there won't be a h/b. We listened for awhile and kept hearing what I can only describe as moving a needle across a record on a record player. The OB said that was the baby moving. And boy was baby moving alot! I guess the OJ I drank before my appointment got into his/her blood stream! But h/b was good...didn't ask for a bpm...just glad to have heard it.

The big news...we will find out on New Years Eve what sex the baby is? Any guesses?

Random thoughts

Our Christmas tree is officially decorated. When DH got home on Saturday afternoon, we started putting the lights and ornaments on. I was VERY emotional while we were doing this. I don't know why, but every ornament that was chosen to be put on the tree made me tear up. We had turned off the TV and put on some Christmas music...I guess the ambiance just made me so grateful to be where we are. After the tree was decorated, and because I was all emotional, I wanted to take some pictures of DH and I in front of the tree. So we did, and we took pictures of the dogs. I'll post some as soon as I upload them.

On Sunday, we went to a local furniture store and purchased a recliner for the nursery. We had looked at all kinds of gliders, but the ones we liked were all in excess of $500, when you add in the cost of the ottoman. We decided we would rather purchase a recliner that we can move to another room and use later instead. So we got a Lane recliner...and it cost us less than $500. DH picks it up tomorrow.

My 20 week appointment is tomorrow. I REALLY, REALLY want to have an u/s done to find out the sex so we can surprise people for Christmas, but I'm not scheduled to have my anatomy scan for another 3 weeks...we have to see if we can convince this OB to allow it...the other OB in the practice told us no at 16 weeks.

I was supposed to see the dietitian tonight regarding my failed glucose test...but she had to reschedule for Thursday night. So my appointment was changed to Thursday at 7pm.

I have been feeling what I think might be the baby moving around, but I can't be sure. I also still have to pee every few hours, and don't make it through the night very often without having to get up to go.

I know I should be enjoying this pregnancy, after all, Lucky is our little miracle. The only embryo out of 22 eggs to have made it. But I can't help but feel like this could be taken away from us at any moment. I'm afraid to enjoy this. I'm afraid of every appointment. I'm very pessimistic about this whole thing. I WANT to enjoy this...I WANT to.

Scrooge

I feel like Scr00ge this year. I haven't talked much about Christmas...DH and I just aren't in the Christmas spirit. Every year I get the "winter" blahs, but usually enjoy traveling out to the local tree farm to select and cut our tree, decorating it and decorating the house. But not this year. This year our stockings are hung on the mantle, but only because I wanted to hang my dogs' stockings (yes, my dogs each have their own stocking) and mine and DHs were with them. I have no other decorations in my house. My tree is up, but has yet to be decorated. I water it every morning, and think, maybe today we'll put some lights on it...but we never do. I have TONS of outdoor decorations, but all of them are still safely stored away in the basement, save for some wreaths that were with the stockings that I hung on our outside lights.

I'm not really sure why we're just not into it this year. It could be partly because of the horrible economy...it's partially to blame for money being tight. I'm not sure. All I know is Christmas is 2 weeks away and I just today purchased gifts for my sister and her boyfriend. I haven't gotten DH anything yet, nor have we bought for my dad, his parents or any of the friends we are exchanging gifts with.

I really need to get into gear and get moving, but for some reason, it just doesn't feel right this year...and I can't explain it.

Failed

I failed my 1 hour glucose test...and the 3 hour.

For my 1 hour test...normal would have been between 65 and 180. I came back at 182.

For my 3 hour test...normal would have been between 65 and 140. I came back at 45! Too low! So I'll be seeing the dietitian at the hospital. With my PCOS, I know I'm insulin resistant, but still. I thought I'd pass the 3 hour.

I'm really bummed this morning...

18 Weeks - 2 days late

My 18 week milestone has come and gone without incidence. Sometimes I think I feel the baby move...other times I think it's just my imagination. I can't wait for the definitive kick. I'm still not really showing, and that bums me out as well...but I know I still have plenty of time.

I had my 3 hour glucose test yesterday. Other than it being really boring, it went by without a hitch. I did get a little jittery at the end and really needed to eat something to counter act the 100g of sugar, but that was all. I should find out next week if I passed or not. I hope I do.

Other than that, not much else is going on here. I'm anxiously awaiting the 17th when I can hear baby's heartbeat again...I'm so nervous that something has gone wrong and that we won't hear anything, but that is the paranoid IF in me.

Racing Heart

So I'm sitting here at work and my heart is racing. I'm not doing anything strenuous...I took my pulse and it's 98! Normal for me is like 70! Anyone else have a rapid pulse during their pregnancy?

Thanksgiving was great...my turkey came out juicy, the broccoli casserole was divine, the potatoes weren't lumpy....but the best part was the PIE! Dutch Apple Cheesecake! Yummy!

Saturday was spent lying around the house and doing laundry...nothing extravagant.

Sunday I made my first purchase at M0therh00d Maternity. 1 sweater, 1 tshirt, 4 blouses, 1 pair of dress pants and 1 pair of jeans. $170.00 later I was on my way. Most of what I purchased was red tagged...so I would have spent a LOT more if it hadn't been. The jeans were SO comfy when I tried them on...I wanted to wear them home, but I didn't. I was hoping I wouldn't have to get maternity clothes for a little while longer, but my ute has successfully pushed my stomach up, so I now have a larger pooch just below the girls. I wouldn't say I look pregnant yet, just fat. But my DH says otherwise.

I did fail my 1 hour glucose test...I go for the 3 hour on Thursday. Boo Hoo!

17 weeks

I never thought I'd be here. I have so much to be Thankful for this year.

Happy Thanksgiving to all my bloggie friends.

The Turkey is in...

I purchased my bird last Friday afternoon for this Thursday's gorge fest. The lucky guy weighs a little over 19 pounds and spent the weekend in a cooler on my patio (no room in the freezer) so the dogs couldn't play with him. He now resides in my frig...slowly thawing...waiting for Wednesday night when he'll have a 12 hour bath of salt water and other seasonings.



I've had Thanksgiving dinner at my house for the last 3 years...this will be number 4. And I love doing it every year. It's nice to have the family over, knowing that DH and I don't have to rush off to another family meal soon after eating as we did in years past. I get a great satisfaction out of preparing this large meal, with sides reserved for holidays only. This year is even more special, knowing that Lucky is "with us". I'm ever Thankful for these last 16 weeks. Getting this far has always seemed like a dream to me, something other people had, something I would never have. Next year, I may have a 7 month old wanting my attention while I'm stirring the gravy...and I'm ever thankful for that dream as well. As each week passes, it's one more week to be thankful for, and one more week closer to meeting and holding Lucky.

16 Weeks

Today's OB appt was uneventful. I did have my 1 hour glucose test....yuck. But other than that it was quick in and out. I lost 5 lbs from 4 weeks ago...my bp is 110/70. Dr is very "proud" of me in that I haven't gained any weight. We did hear baby's heartbeat...but no u/s today. Next one won't be until 23 weeks! So we won't know the sex for Christmas unless we go to one of those outside 4D places. My next appt is 12/17.

Thank you all for your well wishes...they mean alot to me.

A ball of nerves

My 16 week appointment is tomorrow at 10:30 and I'm a ball of nerves. Because of my pre-pregnancy weight, I will be taking my gestational diabetes blood test tomorrow...that I'm not worried about. What I am worried about is....what if something happened to Lucky in the last 4 weeks? I've not gained any weight, in fact I've lost, I'm not "showing", have felt no movement...uugghh I guess I'm just a paranoid pregnant infertile.

Say a prayer for us tonight if you wouldn't mind.

Weekend Update

This past weekend was SO busy. DH and I went Saturday night to a poker party that all his soccer friends were having. We got to the bar at 7:30 and didn't leave until 2am! We got home around 3! It's been SOOOOOO long since I've been out that late. I'm surprised I was able to stay on my feet and be coherent. Needless to say, as soon as I got home, and my head hit the pillow, I was OUT. We had a good time though. I've never actually played Texas H0ld'em before, but I've always watched when we've gone...I'm pleased to say that out of the 3 games I played in, I was only the first one out in the last one (I attrribute that to the fact that it was midnight when the game started!). I didn't win any of the games, but I was pleased with my performance. Most of the guys there couldn't tell it was "my first time"!

On Sunday, DH and I went to buy the paint for the nursery. We're painting it a beige color so that any color accents will go and can easily be changed without having to repaint. So now the paint sits in the nursery...just waiting to be put on the walls. We also looked for new hardware for the dressers and armoire we took from my parents. We wanted to liven it up a bit with new handles and pulls...but standard now is 3 inches...out handles need 2.5 inches. So we'll need to see if we can special order anything.

I'm still hesitant to buy anything "baby" though. Paint and new hardware hardly seems like getting ready for a baby...but I did give in and buy a receiving blanket to match the bedding we are hoping to register for. And I only did that so that we could color match the paint to the bedding. Oh yea...and I bought a package of baby hangars to meet the $25 minimum required to use the coupon I had.

16 week checkup in 2 days!

Thanks

for all your kind words regarding my last post. While I would never in a million years let someone tell me how I should raise my child, it helps to know that other people agree that getting rid of my dogs because I'm having a baby just seems ridiculous.

My dogs are well trained...they listen (for the most part) and are gentle. My older guy actually loves to cuddle...while my younger one is a kisser. They are good boys and don't deserve to be banished.

Like "areyoukiddingme" said...well trained and my watchful eye should be enough. I know I have no apprehensions about bringing baby home to these wonderful pets. I know they will love baby just as much as they love DH and I.

Dogs and Babies...my rant for the day

I love my dogs...to the point where I think them members of our family. I don't dress them up, or cook them fancy meals or anything like that...but I do love them with all my heart and treat them with decency and respect. They each have their own "woobies", blankets they sleep on, and my older dog gets bed privileges at night. So when someone recently asked me if I would be getting rid of my precious furbabies when Lucky is born, I merely gawked at her. She went on about how the dog hair is bad for a crawling baby, and how the dogs could injure the baby and on and on and on.

Now, my DH and I both grew up in houses with dogs. There are pictures of me as an infant with my parent's terrier curled up next to me. I could not imagine raising a child without a dog in the house. I understand that some kids will have allergies, and, heaven forbid, if my baby has such allergies, DH and I will do what we need to do with our dogs (hopefully family and/or friends would take them). I'm in no way afraid that my dogs would harm a baby in any way on purpose. Now I know that an 80lb lab can easily knock a child over, but when you've been knocked down, you get back up again. Quite honestly, I'm one who believes that children today are pampered WAY to much. If you fell off your bike and scraped your knees, you washed it off and got back on the bike...we didn't have helmets and knee pads.

Get rid of my furbabies? I don't think so. They've been there with us, through this infertility journey, supporting us. They deserve to reap the rewards of a baby just as much as we do.

Sox...age 6 (pic taken a few years ago at age 2)...

Buddy...age 1 on Saturday

15 weeks

Nothing new to say. I have a cold...post nasal drips are gross. 1 week till next OB appointment!

Solicting information

Anyone have any recommendations for books on breastfeeding? At this point, I want to exclusively breastfeed for as long as I can. I know I will need a pump for when I return to work...but just wanted to get as much information as I can now.

I did get some information from La Lech.e League.

Thanks!

Please help if you can

Trish at Fertile Hope, posted this link on her blog. Their story is heart wrenching. Please visit and help if you can.

Thank you

I was tagged by Familyoftwo and Wendy for this award:



Thank you so much! I feel honored!

Answer the following questions with single word responses. Then pass on the award to 7 other bloggers:
1. Where is your cell phone? on my desk
2. Where is your significant other? on his way to work
3. Your hair color? brown
4. Your mother? home
5. Your father? working
6. Your favorite thing? my bed
7. Your dream last night? I dreamed of my neighbor! (Yikes!)
8. Your dream/goal? Being a parent
9. The room you’re in? does a cube constitute a room?
10. Your hobby? reading
11. Your fear? losing this pregnancy
12. Where do you want to be in six years? At home with my child(ren)
13. Where were you last night? Home watching TV (gotta love CSI)
14. What you’re not? awake yet
15. One of your wish list items? healthy baby
16. Where you grew up? Chicago (South Side!!)
17. The last thing you did? reply to work email
18. What are you wearing? pants and a shirt
19. Your T.V.? on at home for the dogs
20. Your pet? 2 rambucious dogs, Sox, who is 5, and Buddy, who will be 1 on 11/15
21. Your computer? Work issued De.ll
22. Your mood? eehhh...ok I guess
23. Missing someone? Yes
24. Your car? 05 Ford Escape
25. Something you’re not wearing? a coat
26. Favorite store? Wal-Mart
27. Your Summer? not long enough
28. Love someone? Oh yes
29. Your favorite color? Cobalt Blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. Last time you cried? can't remember, but not that long ago

OK I know it was supposed to be single word responses...but I've never been one to follow the rules. I nominate, in random order:

Nat, S.E., JJ, Denise

14 weeks

When does it start to feel like this is actually real? I'm still feeling very surreal about the whole thing. DH and I went to the American Ba.by Faire this past weekend and I felt like an impostor! I couldn't wait to get out of there! Maybe it's because I'm not showing, or haven't gained any weight, or just feel normal...but I felt completely out of place amongst all the pregnant bellies and people toting babies and strollers. I'm worried that I'm not developing some kind of "bond" with my baby that I should be at this stage. Am I crazy? Please tell me I am.

I guess that's another thing infertility does to you. When you finally get to where you want to be, your heart has such a tall and thick wall around it, it makes it hard to let the possibility of happiness in.

Just a side note...my next appointment is in 2 weeks.

Did you?

Dopplers

Anyone rent or buy at home dopplers? I'm interested in buying/renting one and I'm not sure where to go. Some sites have them listed for hundreds of dollars while others have their basic ones under $100. Any suggestions? Anyone have one they are willing to sell/rent out?

Boring

I must be the most boring pregnant person on the planet. I really have nothing of interest to discuss. I read other blogs about symptoms, nurseries, registeries and the like...but I'm just not there. I haven't had much in the way of symptoms...you all know that. And I had a belly to begin with, so no belly pics just yet. DH and I haven't even starting thinking about a nursery or registry...we think it's just too early. And since my life consists of working, eating and sleeping, I haven't got much to say.



OH! I am going here this weekend! Looking forward to some freebies!

13weeks

I had a killer headache yesterday...one of those where you can't function and all you want to do is stay in the darkness of your bedroom. So I did. Except I stayed in the darkness of my family room listening to Hall0ween movies on AMC. Since I had a splitting headache, I didn't really watch them as my eyes felt like they were being gouged out of their sockets.

I'm better today. No crippling pain radiating in my head. I have nothing new to report...

12w5d

and feeling crappy. I'm experiencing what my OB has said is Round Ligament Pain. I knew it would happen, as other bloggers out there wrote about it, but I didn't think it would feel like my ovaries are being SQUISHED like pancakes. That's really the only way I can describe it. Oh yea, and the back pain. My back is out of whack to start with...at age 31 I already have arthritis in my lower back...so this just sucks. I can't sit for long periods without having to fidget. I'm thinking I may bring a heating pad to work with me...at least I can set it on LOW and try to get a little relief.

Other than that, DH and I finally found our way back to each other in the s.e.x. department. In the 12weeks since our BFP, we'd only done it once...and my spotting started right after that. So we were on pelvic rest until the spotting stopped, then I was hit with the extreme sleepiness, and ok, I'll admit it, I was just damn afraid. I guess in my mind I was afraid that I would start bleeding again...I know, I know, one did not cause the other...but try telling that to a paranoid pregnant infertile! Every little pain or twinge frightens me...just a wee bit. But it was great to reconnect. I know he had been feeling a little neglected.

12 weeks

Just got back from my 12w appointment. I did get to see Lucky. He/she must have been sleeping, because she/he didn't move around like last time. Baby is head down currently, which meant they couldn't do a nuchal...position wasn't good. We did get pics of baby's legs and arms. DH made a comment about there "not being anything between the legs"...I said it's too early to tell...but the u/s tech said that she would tend to agree with DH. So it maybe that we're having a girl. Who knows...I still think it's early. Baby is measuring right on at 12w0d and is 2 inches long. Heart rate was 170bpm.

When I met with the OB after, we did try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler. I have some "extra padding" so I didn't think we'd hear it yet. DH and the OB both said they heard it...I'm not sure I did. The doppler sounded like it had alot of static on it. I did hear my uterine artery though...not as exciting as a heartbeat.

I gained 3 lbs in the last 2 weeks...which still puts me down 2 lbs from where I started. My OB only wants me to gain 15lbs total. So 1lb a month until the 7th and 8th month. Think I can handle that.

So here are today's pics. Again, sorry for the quality, they are pics of pics. My scanner isn't hooked up to my laptop and I didn't feel like switching to the desktop.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Happy Birthday to Me! I am 32 today. 32 and pregnant! Last year on my birthday, I tried not to think about the "P" word. This year, I'm giddy. I'm giddy because I'm getting the best birthday present...I get to "see" our baby! My appointment is 2 hours from now, so I'll update when I get back, hopefully, with more pics.

On another note, DH did the bestest, most wonderful thing for me. He bought me the new IP0D Nan0 in silver. The one you can shake to shuffle your music...I'm currently using an old MP3 player from the Sharpe.r Ima.ge, that I can't even scroll through the music on. I had mentioned maybe once to hubby that I would love to have a new one. He brought it home yesterday and gave it to me. I was SHOCKED. Never in a million years expected him to get it. I would have been happy with just a card!

Thank you all for your comments on the crib set. I think that once we polish it up and put it together, it will be perfect.

11w6d

Tomorrow is my 32nd birthday. I will also be 12w tomorrow and have my 12w OB appointment. I can't think of a better birthday present than to see Lucky again.

I've been a bad blogger. This I know. I just have so many things going through my head that it's hard to pull them altogether in a cohesive thought pattern. DH and I picked up my crib from my parents house this past weekend. My parents kept the bedroom set that they used for me as a child and have graciously offered it to us. The set is in great condition, it's a beautiful wood...almost looks like cognac, but a little lighter. The crib itself is also in great condition...needs to be cleaned and polished from years of storage, but other than that, there is nothing wrong with it. I measured the distance between the slats, and it meets all the safety requirements today's cribs do. But I'm at a crossroads. Part of me would LOVE to purchase a new set for this baby. But to be honest, right now, DH and I can't afford to drop $3000 on furniture...especially when there are so many other things we KNOW we're going to need to get. I almost feel like by using my parent's set that I'm "cheating" my baby out of something. Weird huh? I know the baby won't know the difference, but I will. I guess I'm just having a hard time accepting the set as a gift. What would you do?

11 weeks - a real post

11 weeks pregnant yesterday. I can hardly believe it. 11 weeks! I still haven't been able to wrap my mind around this...but my heart is 100% invested. The spotting has ceased as of a little more than a week ago. And I still don't "feel" pregnant. I've had a few bouts of nausea...mostly at night...and 2 episodes of hugging the commode, but other than that...it's normal day to day. I seem to feel sick after my train ride home...not sure if it's the motion or what, but I'm fine in the mornings...then again, I'm sleeping on the morning ride.

I had my 10 week appointment last week, and we got to see Lucky again. It was amazing to watch as he/she kicked and moved around! To know that was going on inside me and not even to feel it, blew me away! Heartbeat was strong at 179bpm. Here is a pic from that appointment:

On a different note, I need some advice. My cousin and I are 3 months apart in age, we were really close up until about a year ago, when something happened, I don't know what, that caused us to drift apart. When she got pg with #1 in 2005, I was the first person she told. She told me about #2 via email in November of last year. I hadn't told her I was pg. I received an email from her this morning asking why I hadn't told her "a certain little something". I feel bad for not telling her, but quite honestly, we don't talk anymore. We don't see one another anymore except at family get togethers. When I was at her DS#2's Baptism in early September, she barely spoke to me. At that point I kinda felt like I'd only be calling her to say I was pg and that was it. Now I feel shitty and don't know what to do. I don't want to alienate her more...

11 weeks

I've been a bad blogger...was on vacation from work last week and haven't been "motivated" to post since. I do have pics of Lucky from my Drs appointment last Wednesday, at 10 weeks...I just haven't scanned them yet.

DH and I stayed home last week and just relaxed. Cleaned up the yard (put away all our patio furniture etc) to prepare for winter.

I'll post more tomorrow...I promise.

On Vacation

DH and I are on vacation this week...so my posting and commenting may be scarce. I do have an OB appointment tomorrow for my 10 weeks...I'll try to post after that if I can. I hate using a computer if I'm not working...so many other things to do!

Have a great week everyone!

Big Box wishes

DH and I went into the Baby Big Box store last night to browse around. I can't believe we actually did. We were both feeling pretty good after our appointment yesterday...and figured why not? Let's see what we like. I didn't anticipate actually finding things that we agreed that we liked. Like this crib, this car seat, or this stroller. I was VERY pleased to see that the big box store by me carries glass bottles as well as this is something we've both wanted.

Obviously, it's too early to be purchasing these things...and I'm sure that new items will be out next year as well. It was just fun to roam the store, picturing using these things, knowing that one day, we will.

Starting to look like a baby!

I just got back from my first OB appointment and man was that alot of information to digest! DH and I were there for 2 hours. We got to have a look at Lucky...who is measuring at 9w0d. I'm 9w1d, so he's right there. Heart rate was 183 bpm. The tech said it was a little low...but I'm not worried...my pulse is always on the lower end as well. After the u/s we met with the nurse who "interviewed" us. History etc. She was asking if we had a pedicatrician in mind...whether I wanted an epidural at delivery etc...I was like, I haven't thought that far in advance yet. I just want to make it out of the 1st trimester...then I'll start thinking about those types of things!

I am going to be considered "special care" since I'm an IVF patient. Fine by me. I'll also have to have the GD test at 16 weeks because of my current weight. I knew my BMI would call for that, so it wasn't a surprise. It was a great, informative appointment. I have another next week for my OB physical. Oi.

So without further ado...(these are pics of pics so sorry for the quality)

9 weeks

Nothing new to report. I'm still spotting on and off. Still tired...though bedtime has been extended to 9:30 now as opposed to 8:30. So it's getting better! Still no ms...which I am fine with. I do get the occasional moments in chewing my food that I'm not sure if I'll be able to swallow it...like last night. I was eating celery...something about the stringiness just wouldn't let me down it. It took all my strength to not spit it back out onto my plate!

I'm also having some emotional issues...well not issues, exactly, just feelings of "Did we do the right thing?". I love my DH to death, and the thought that we won't be able to spend as much "quality" time together after Lucky is born just weighs on my mind. And the whole economic mess this country is in doesn't help either. I keep wondering if we'll be able to provide for Lucky the way he deserves. All my pg books tell me this is normal...I mean, overall, I'm so happy I'm bursting at the seams...just little doubts sneak in every now and then about what kind of mom I'll be.

Its back

the spotting that is. However, this time, it's always brown. And while brown blood doesn't worry me into a frenzy, it still bothers me. I have another week to go before my OB appointment. Though I know I could call and see if I can get in earlier. At this point, my brain and heart are both saying there is no need. Wednesday will be 2 weeks since the first spotting started. I thought it was tapering off, but it came back this weekend pretty strong.

Anyway, I'm trying to take it easy...not lift anything heavy and just be all around lazy (LOL).

Baby Blankets

When DH and I started this cycle back in July, I went to a neighborhood craft store with my gift card from Christmas in hand and purchased a cross stitch project. Not just any cross stitch, but a baby blanket. I had been working on it off and on over the last 2 months (more off than on) and now realized that I need to get busy on it if I plan on using it! So to help me along, I figured I would post pics of the project so everyone can harp on me when I don't get anything done on it!

Here is where we are starting today (click to enlarge):

I also made my first maternity purchase today. I ordered a Bell.a Band. My jeans are beginning to be too snug to wear comfortably buttoned...so I'm hoping this will afford me a few more months in my clothes.

8 weeks

I am 8 weeks pregnant today. I never in a million years thought I'd ever be writing that. It's a surreal feeling. Almost like it's all a very long dream, that I could wake up from at any point. I was looking back at some of my old posts and came across this one. It was written almost exactly one year before I got my BFP. If I could only go back to that person a year ago, and tell her that in one year this is where she'd be, I would have saved her alot of emotional distress. But it's that emotional distress that got me here...that made me ask the questions I did, that made me make the decisions I did. Would I really be here today if I knew then what I know now? I'm not sure where this post is going...other than I'm just so grateful. Grateful to my DH, for sticking with me through all my emotional turmoil and bitchiness. Grateful for the support of my parents and in-laws through this process. Grateful to my RE's office, for getting me here. And grateful to all those in the blogosphere...those who read and comment, and those who write their own blogs for others to share.

OK...I won't get too sappy here. At 8 weeks, I'm feeling good. My spotting has tapered off to almost nothing (woo hoo!). I still have no signs of morning sickness (woo hoo!) I do get the occasionally sharp pain on the left side that lasts nanoseconds...but I'm not worried about it. I've actually allowed myself to start thinking forward. I checked out my employers "parental leave" policy (because it's not just for mothers anymore!) and discovered I get 12 weeks paid time off. If I add some vacation time in there, I could potentially get 15 weeks. My employer also has backup child care facilities...we can use them up to 20 days per year. The first 10 are free and the second 10 are $10 per day. Not bad at all.

I think it's actually sinking in...

Lucky's second photo

Still looks like a blob to me LOL!

This past weekend

Sorry I was MIA...I didn't end up going to the RE's office on Friday, but I did go yesterday.



Saturday, after I went grocery shopping, I came home to find that I had "spotted" through my jeans. I paged the on call Dr, who by the way was VERY comforting, and he told me the same things...take it easy, and go in on Monday. I ended up going to a friend's house that evening for a poker party...had a good time and it kept my mind off the spotting, which had since changed to brown.



Sunday, went to my parent's house, where DH was doing some work for them. Took it easy all day...had VERY minimal spotting...went home, took a shower and BAM...bright red again.



Went in to the RE's yesterday...Lucky is fine. Whew! Heartrate at 150bpm. (I have a pic, but need to scan it...will post later). The baby is on the left side of my uterus...the bleed is on the right side...u/s tech said it looked like it was clotting (how can they tell that from u/s?) and since it's not near the baby, doesn't pose too much of a risk to Lucky.

Thank you all for your kind words and support. It really means the world to me!

More spotting

Since the spotting of early Wednesday morning (which was brown btw) I had nothing, until I got ready to go to bed last night. It was then that I saw the red blood. It seemed to taper off as the night went on, and by morning was the same brownish color of the previous day. Now, my RE's office had said that if the spotting becomes a "light period flow" to call...well, I've never had a "light" period, so I don't know if what happened last night would fit the bill.

There may be TMI in this next paragraph so feel free to skip it. What is "light" flow? I mean, each time I wiped last night the tp was red...and there was enough to make the water in the toilet tinged red as well. But now there is just a little brown discharge. I kept asking myself, is that a cramp? Am I cramping, or is that just another twinge? And of course, since I was worked up anyway, my mind made things worse than I think they actually were.

I haven't called the RE again. I know that they will tell me the same thing. Spotting is normal. The drugs you are taking are dilating your blood vessels around your cervix, causing the bleeding. UGH! I'm not sure what I should do. My next appointment is Wed the 24th.

Yesterday's freak out

Yesterday, I woke up at my usual time...went into the bathroom to do the deed and what do I see? Blood. I sat on the commode and just started shaking. Saying to myself, I can't believe this is happening. I proceeded to get back into bed with DH and told him what was going on...and burst into tears. Now, in my mind, I knew that spotting was common in the 1st trimester and that this was nothing to worry about. But carry over my irrational self from the day before and you get complete meltdown. When the RE's office finally opened 2 hours later, I called, and of course was told what my mind already knew. I didn't have any cramping and the spotting had since tapered off since the first morning wipe. Needless to say, I didn't take any chances and spent the day on the couch, having called in sick to work.

I wanted pg symptoms...I guess I got one.

I'm totally irrational today...

and I don't know why. I'm feeling anxious and nervous. I still feel like AF could come at any second...I know I've seen a heartbeat, but until I see it again, I'm nervous. I'm scared. What if something goes wrong...what if...what if...what if. I guess I would feel better if I felt pg. If I had some morning sickness. But I don't. I have no food aversions. No food cravings. The closest I've come is getting an urge to puke last night as I was chewing my dinner. I wasn't sure if I could get it down. But it passed as quickly as it came on and I finished my dinner uneventfully. I never thought I would say it, but I WANT TO BE SICK!! Is that crazy or what?

I stop the PIO in another week. I'm afraid that AF will show up when I stop it. I've got this odd thought in my head that the PIO is the only thing holding AF back. Told you I was irrational today.

The other thing that scares me is the cost of raising a baby. DH and I aren't wealthy people by any means. We live paycheck to paycheck while putting some money in our 401k's. We have some savings, but that will go quickly as our mortgage is going to increase in November due to our escrow being reanalyzed. I'm afraid that we won't be able to provide for this baby. Realistically I know we can. We'll have to cut back on the frivolous spending we do, like eating out all the time, but I believe we can manage. However, my irrational side continues to worry (just so you know, I've always been one to worry about money, this is nothing new).

UUGGHHH!! I just want to know that everything will be ok. That it will all work out. I want to know that NOW...not later.

See, told you, completely irrational today.

Nothing new

Nothing new to report. It rained all weekend here in the Midwest...nothing like those in Ike's path received, but enough to flood roads and close some interstates.

My dad's birthday was yesterday. We went here to celebrate.

I went to bed at 8pm last night. I'm so tired. I usually only get about 6 hours of sleep on any normal day, but that's just not cutting it anymore. I'm asleep by 9 and when the alarm goes off at 4:30, I really just want to turn it off and roll over. I've been sleeping on the train into work (and I mean sleeping, not just dozing) and on the way home. I feel drained during the day. But I know it's because my body is getting used to having Lucky around.

I am pleased to introduce...

Lucky Charm



Baby is measuring 2mm and heart rate is 100bpm. The tech said everything is right on schedule. I am 6w1d today.

I am to discontinue my Estraderm patches (Yay!) but continue the PIO (boo) for another 2 weeks, as well as continue the suppositories for another 3 weeks. I am to continue to take baby aspirin until I am 12 weeks.

Can I just say I breathed a HUGE sigh of relief when I saw that little flutter on the screen. I couldn't believe it. There's really a baby there. This is really happening. OMG!

Today is the day

I leave for the RE's office in about 15 minutes. This morning went by SO fast...since I'm working from home today, the hours just flew past. DH and I talked last night that we've done all we can do...now it's out of our hands. While we hope with all our beings that Lucky is thriving, if he's not, we'll be ok, crushed but ok. We've never made it this far before, and we're grateful for this experience.

I'll post again when I get back...most likely around 3CST.

Tomorrow is the day...

that I've been anxiously awaiting. I will see if Lucky is where he should be. Why am I so scared? Maybe it's because I know that all the drugs I'm taking could be the only thing holding AF off...I have no pg symptoms, other than the sore girls and good sniffer, oh yea and I'm TIRED. Though is my sniffer really any better? Or is it just my imagination? My clothes aren't any snugger and I don't feel any different. I sound so negative right now...I know I do. I just want this SO much. I want this for my DH, who has invested himself emotionally 100% to this potential baby. I want this for my parents, who have wanted a grandchild to spoil for longer than I've wanted a baby. I want this for DH's parents, who crave this baby more than anything. I want this for me, because I already love this little one more than I could ever have imagined loving someone, and we haven't even met yet.

Oddest thing

I just witnessed the oddest thing...I was in the ladies room here at work and someone was brushing her teeth, not an oddity, but then she proceeded to put SOAP from the dispenser on her toothbrush to "wash" it. I always make sure to rinse my toothbrush really well after I use it and put it in it's holder, but I've NEVER seen someone put HAND SOAP on their toothbrush! Wouldn't you TASTE that?? Just thought it was odd and figured I'd share...

2 days to u/s

I'm excited and nervous about this upcoming u/s...but what else is new? I seem to be on a roller coaster of emotions ranging from blissful excitement, to extreme nervousness, to apprehension to giddiness. What if there is no sac? What if Lucky isn't growing anymore? All these thoughts come into my head and start messing around with my emotions. I'm trying to stay positive, I really am, but again, I'm too educated in all the things that can, and do go wrong. I just want to know that things are where they should be.

Nothing new...

Nothing new to report. I still feel the occasional cramping...which makes me nervous and sends me to the bathroom EACH and EVERY time. The girls are still SUPER sore. I'm still on the PIO and suppositories as well as the Estraderm patches.

This weekend we attended my cousin's 2nd DS's baptism. Nothing out of the ordinary...except my one Aunt completely guessed that I was pg. We haven't told anyone except our parents, and a few friends about it, but I went to go to the bathroom (only the 2nd time) and I guess she guessed while I was gone, because when I got back, she was all smiles and DH was like, she guessed our secret! I asked her today how she guessed and she just said she's very observant...oh well, I did ask her not to say anything yet and she promised she wouldn't...except she already told my Uncle!

Other than that, I am counting down the days to Thursday's u/s. DH is going to try to take an early lunch so he can meet me there.

Name meme

Stole this from Jamie

The Name Game

1.Your rock star name (first pet, current car): Snoopy Escape
2.Your gangsta name (favorite ice cream flavor, favorite type of shoe): Vanilla Sneakers
3.Your Native American name (favorite color, favorite animal): Blue Dog
4.Your soap opera name (middle name, city where you were born): Rose Chicago
5.Your Star Wars name (the first 3 letters of your last name, first 2 of your first name): Wasam
6.Superhero name (2nd favorite color, favorite drink): Black Sprite
7.NASCAR name (the first names of your grandfathers): John Theodore
8.Dancer name (the name of your favorite perfume/cologne/scent, favorite candy): Eternity Caramel
9.TV weather anchor name (your 5th grade teacher’s last name, a major city that starts with the same letter): Um...I only remember my 5th grade teacher as Sister Geralda...never knew her last name
10.Spy name (your favorite season/holiday, flower): Fall Calla Lily
11.Cartoon name:(favorite fruit, article of clothing you’re wearing right now): Strawberry Pants
12.Hippie name (what you ate for breakfast, your favorite tree): Nothing Crabapple
13.Movie star name (first pet's name, first street where you lived): Snoopy California

3rd Beta - Results

Results are in:

HCG is now at 4080
Progester0ne is at 21.1

First u/s scheduled for next Thursday at 12:15 CST

3rd Beta

I just got back from having my blood drawn for my third and final beta today. Let me tell you, my veins are singing their praises. I don't know how much more my one little vein that always gets used could take!

After doing some reading yesterday, I am no longer too worried about my progester0ne. Like s.e. said in her comment, I think sometimes we can be a little too educated. We know all the things that can and do go wrong that at the slightest drop or twinge we're freaking out. I resolved at the beginning of my 2ww that I wouldn't POAS, and I didn't...so now I'm going to resolve to listen to my doctor and my gut, and not sweat the small stuff.

I'll update later with my beta results!

Again, thank you!

2nd beta

Went in for my second beta yesterday morning....HCG went to 1777. That's over a course of 4 days...so I didn't figure out the doubling time. The worrying thing is that my pr0gesterone dropped to 18.8. The nurse said they weren't worried...but I am. I always thought the pr0gesterone should be over 20. Plus, I've had little cramps over the last few days...nothing huge, just little ones. Still I'm concerned. I go for another beta tomorrow. I know I won't be relaxed until I see that little flutter on the u/s screen...

3 days post beta

I saw my mom and dad for the first time today since telling them about the positive beta. They were SO excited...and DYING to tell people. We've asked those we've told not to say anything until after we see the heartbeat. We didn't want to tell everyone and then, God forbid, have something happen and then have to spread that news as well.

We went to Frankf0rt fest today. It's a suburban festival with lots of crafters and even a small carnival. We left only with kettle korn. Everything was super expensive, like $20 for a child's sweatshirt! And alot of the crafters all had the same thing. I did manage to snag some free dog treats from the Dog Barkery there.

Nothing else new going on. Waiting anxiously for Tuesday. I did POAS again this morning...just to make sure...LOL

2 days post beta

and I'm not used to this pg idea. It's like I'm living in a bubble...afraid it's going to burst and I'll go back to my "everyday" life. I'm anxiously awaiting Tuesday's results...need to make sure that my levels are doubling as they should.

Today, I'm just feeling blah. I woke up with a headache, and I'm afraid to take anything. I've peed about 6 times already today, all I want to do is sleep and I'm STARVING! I thought these things weren't supposed to kick in until a few weeks from now. LOL

1 day post beta

So I'm still in a bit of shock. I can't actually believe I received a positive beta. I'm hesitant to use the p word yet as there are still so many things that could happen. But I've never gotten this far, so I'm happy to know that my body CAN accept an embie.

DH's reaction: priceless I put the bear and bib out on the rocking chair we have on our front stoop so that he would see it as he comes up the walk. I was standing just inside the door by the side windows with the camera to capture his face when he saw it. Can you believe he walked right past the bear and didn't even see it? When he came in the door he asked "So?" and I was like "I can't believe you didn't see it". When he finally did see the bear, he grabbed me in a hug and just broke down sobbing. Much like my initial reaction was. And I did get a pic, but I chopped off everything from his mouth up...so I kinda blew that. We went to dinner last night at L0ne Star steak house. I had skipped lunch because of my nerves, so by the time he got home, I was famished.

DH also said something to me this morning that I thought was very poignant. He basically told me not to forget where I came from, and to remember how I felt when I would read about other's BFPs. He's right...because I never would have made it emotionally without the support of the IF community, without all of you. You've all been there for me over this last year, and supported me, without even knowing me. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I could hug each of you, I would.

Pics

I've never seen two lines before...






This is what DH will see when he gets home tonight:

In my uphoric stupor, I forgot to add that I have a follow up beta on Tuesday to make sure things are doubling appropriately.

I'm going to go pee on some sticks now just so I can see those coveted 2 pink lines!

OMG!!!!

I just got the call!!! OMG!! BFP!!! BFP!!! MY HCG was 137...and my progesterone was 26.

Thank you all!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!

I need to run out now and buy a My Daddy Loves me bib...DH didn't want to know until he gets home tonight at arounbd 7pm! OMG! I can't believe it!!!!!

Still waiting...

Thanks for all the support...I'm still waiting!! It's 2pm CST now...if I don't hear something by 3:30 I'll be calling them. It's not like they were super busy this morning. There was no one there when I got there and only one girl came in after me! What the fuck!!??

Knowing you guys are pulling for me helps tremendously! Thank you!!!

UUGGGHH

Do the they call all the bad news patients first or all the good news patients? UUUGGHHH! I'm starting to go NUTS!

Its noon

It's noon here and still NO WORD! UUGGGHH this is killing me! Part of me is wishing I'd POAS already...then at least I'd "know" one way or the other! This waiting thing SUCKS! I'm getting NO work done!! UUUGGHHH!!

12dp3dt - Beta day

I'm back from having my blood drawn. My appt was at 8am, but I got there before 7:30. I woke up early and just couldn't sit around the house waiting. Luckily, they took me early as there wasn't anyone there waiting. I'm SO nervous...I feel like it's the first day of school or something. I have butterflies in my stomach...I really want this to be a good outcome. Though I feel like I'm out of the game. Last night and this morning, I started feeling like AF was going to arrive at any point. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm giddy all at the same time. Last cycle, based on the embies we transferred, I knew it would be negative then...plus I POAS then too. This time, the news will be completely unknown to me. We transferred one perfect 8 cell embie on day 3, I haven't POAS (Yea for me!).

I'll post once I get that call. The call that could change my life forever.

Edited to add: It's a gray day here in the Midwest...I hope that's not an indication of things to come.

11dp3dt - 1 day to beta

I've resisted the urge to POAS. It helps that there aren't any of those dreaded things in my house. So if I wanted to POAS, I'd have to go to the store and buy them. I drive past Tar.get everyday on my way home from work...and I've been tempted to stop. That's even the reason I haven't refilled my Thyr0id med. I'd have to walk right past the feminine products to get to the pharmacy.

The good thing is, DH and I talked about our plan if this beta tomorrow turns out negative. We'll cycle again...hopefully soon. But this time we'll do a 50/50 split of his sperm and donor sperm. That way we'll know if our issues are sperm quality or egg quality. I just hope we don't have to go that route and that Lucky has attached himself for the next 9 months.

I really need something to keep me busy today. My mind keeps wandering to all the what ifs and if onlys. Any suggestions?

10dp3dt - 2 days to beta

I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS.

This is what I keep telling myself. I really want to know NOW, but I'm holding out. Today, my gut is telling me it's not to be. I'm not sure why, but I just feel it. If I was OHSS last week, pg should have made it worse...but instead I got better. So I don't know what to think. I'm rambling. My optimism and positive thinking is becoming more of a conscious effort than a natural response, and it's becoming harder and harder to make that effort.

The best part is that my cousins DS#2's baptism is on 9/7...so if I do have a bad outcome, I have to deal with a newborn in less than 2 weeks. My heart will not be healed in 2 weeks...that I can guarantee you.

I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS.

9dp3dt - 3 days to beta

I'm growing increasingly nervous as beta day gets closer. Really, really, really nervous. I don't want to POAS simply because I don't want to see a negative. I know I said I was going to be positive and optimistic, but the negative feelings have started to creep in as I feel less and less like I could be the elusive pg. I don't want to see my DH crushed. He's so excited and wants this SO much...maybe even more than I do, if that's even possible. His heart will be broken...mine will be as well. It took me a long time last cycle to come to terms with our BFN. And we didn't even have any good embies. With this cycles, one "perfect" embie...my hopes were higher than before...which means the crash will hurt even more. I'm hoping that I'm fretting over nothing, but I feel nothing. No more twinges...no more pangs. My girls are still sore, but I know that could just be all the damn pr0gesterone I'm pumping into my body. That's it. There's nothing else that would tell me that Lucky is still around.

This is what I hate most about IF. It's not that the act of making a baby is no longer a romantic interlude between 2 people who love each other. The shots I can deal with, as well as the daily vagcam violations. I can handle that more people have seen my vajayjay in the last month than in my whole life before IF. No, what I hate the most is the not knowing part. The part where our hearts are pumped full of hope only to have them broken during a phone call that lasts only a few seconds.

6dp3dt - 6 days to beta

DH did the cutest thing last night...and caught me completely off guard. He had just taken the Estraderm patches off my back so I could jump in the shower, and I was standing in front of him, when he RUBBED MY BELLY! At first, I was like, what ARE you doing? Then I remembered, we have a potential nugget in there. Took me a minute.

Still have the slight pangs in my pelvic region. I would describe them as feeling as if AF was eminent, but on a smaller scale. The pangs are consistently on my left...so I'm hoping that there are good things going on in there. TMI ALERT...My poop has returned to normal...THANK GOSH! There is nothing I hate more than being plugged up. I'm a every day type of gal, so when there are a few days in between, I'm not a happy camper.

I'm also not thrilled with the "pelvic rest" that was imposed on DH and I during this 2ww. DH especially. But if it works...it will all be worth it. If it doesn't...well, I won't go there, since gosh darnit this is going to work!! (Like my optimism there?)

5dp3dt - 7 days to beta

I had White Castle for lunch yesterday. Those of you who are familiar with the Midwestern chain know what kinds of digestive pyrotechnics often result from eating here. So since I was still a little plugged, I thought they'd help...and let me tell you...help they did. I was up ALL night in the bathroom. (TMI sorry) But the end result is that I'm completely cleaned out and feeling SO much better. Plus they taste better than any fiber supplement!

So, I'm feeling a whole lot of nothing...well, I do have the occasional twinge in my pelvic region, but that could be my ovaries shrinking, remnants of my digestive escapade last evening, the start of AF...or maybe, possibly, could it be, dare I say it? implantation? This is about the right time...but I have no other "signs". My previously painful boobs, are now just a little sore. I don't seem to have any mood issues, though DH might say otherwise. The only thing is that I can sleep forever. But I love to sleep, so this may just be nothing.

I have decided that I will not POAS. I will wait for the beta. I say that now, but I reserve the right to change my mind as beta day grows closer.

4dp3dt or 5dp3dt

OK...so I'm always confused on this. I had ET on Saturday...so does Saturday count as day 1? Or is Sunday day 1? Either way, I'm feeling better. I must have drank 3 bottles of gat0rade last night. I haven't gained weight...well if you count .2lbs then I guess I have...and I'm looking and feeling MUCH less bloated. Thank you all for your suggestions and well wishes. I do have the chewable benefi.ber (we give them to my dog b/c he has poop issues too (vet recommended)) so I'll be taking those if things clog up again.

I started the Estraderm patches last night. I have 2 every other day. It's strange having these large patches on my shoulders...but hey whatever works.

I haven't had any other "symptoms" but I'm trying not to dwell on anything and just keep looking forward towards 8/28.

Feeling Shitty

I'm back working from home again today. I felt SO shitty yesterday. Completely sleepy and all around crappy. I called my nurse who said I'm most likely OHSS and constipated...which don't make a good combination. If I don't feel better by tomorrow morning, they want to do an u/s to see how much fluid is in my belly. They don't like doing the vag cam after transfer, but if I'm not feeling better...

On the train on the way home yesterday, I got completely light headed and broke out in a sweat. I thought I was going to pass out right there. I sat back in my seat and luckily it passed after 15 minutes or so.

Today, I'm feeling the same. My tummy is tender to the touch, but doesn't look distended to me. I also can't go #2 for the life of me. TMI alert...I mean I've passed one or two nuggets, but nothing I would consider "normal". I even bought some glycerin suppositories, but haven't worked up the nerve to try one yet.

So the meds I'm on...prenatals (cut back to every other day now to try to help with the #2 issues), baby aspirin, 1ml of PIO, 1 200mg pr0gesterone suppository 2x a day and today I'm starting the Estr0gen patches. 2 patches every other day. I'm gonna be one fucked up woman.

So tired today

I don't know if it's because today is my first day back in the office, or because of all the meds...but I am SO tired today. I could literally fall asleep standing up. Plus, I think I have a hint of OHSS...I feel so very full when I take a deep breath. I've already had a 7up, thinking the sugar would help with the sleepiness...but it didn't...not even temporarily. But can I say that was the best 7up I've ever had? Tasted SO good. It's only 11am here. If I was home, I'd take early lunch and lay on the couch and sleep for about an hour or so. Can't do that here. No couches...no where "private" to put my head down. I may have to find an empty conference room and sprawl out on the floor.

I did manage to schedule my beta. August 28th at 8am. You can bet I will be working from home that day...no way am I going to be at work if I get bad news, which I won't because I'm staying positive positive positive. LOL.

Transfer

When we arrived at the RE's office on Saturday morning...we learned that they had a "slight issue" with one of the retrievals earlier in the morning and they were now behind. Now, normally, I wouldn't mind...but I had a full bladder that just wasn't hearing it. I ended up having to empty it and start all over again. When we met with the RE we learned that 3 of our 4 embies had stopped growing. We had one grade 1 eight celled embie left. We transferred that little one and are now hoping for the best. I've never even had an 8 celled embie, so I'm hoping this little one decides to stick around for, oh, say, 9 months? Please keep us in your thoughts.

I'm back at work today...and by that I mean back in the office. I've been working from home the last 3 weeks, so I haven't had the 4 hour commute to deal with. I'm dragging right now...and since they say no caffeine...I'm DYING! I need some kind of pick me up or else I'm going to fall asleep here at my desk!

Any suggestions?

Transfer is tomorrow

Got the call from my RE's office. All 4 embies are growing still and where they should be. They couldn't tell me how many cells each were...just that they are were they should be and we will get all the particulars tomorrow when we come in for transfer. DH and I originally had agreed to only transfer 3 back...but we're debating on transferring all 4. I guess it all depends on what they look like tomorrow. I'm SO nervous for this. More nervous I think than I will be over the next 2 weeks. I know what our track record is with fert and I just want reassurance. Pathetic I know. I just want this SO badly. Just like all of you.

Transfer will take place at 9:20CST...we are to be at the office by 8:20am. I'm not a religious person...but if you are, please say a prayer for us tomorrow...we'll take all the help we can get.

Love you all!

Fert Report

I'm torn with this fert report. Of my 22 eggs, 17 were mature...and 4 fertilized. While we are ahead of the game from last cycle, when zero fertilized on day 1, I was still holding out hope that everything we did this past year would result in a great fertilization percentage. I know it only takes one good egg, and that we're better than we were last cycle. I know all those things. But my heart still dropped when the nurse told me we only had 4. She couldn't even tell me if they looked good or if they were "slow growers" again. Please don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to even have 4 embies to work with, and if one of those embies becomes a baby I would just be over the moon. But right now, I'm a little disappointed. Nothing to freeze, as we agreed to put back 3 and not freeze anything less than 2.

I'll find out tomorrow if we are a day 3 transfer or day 5. I'm holding out hope that these 4 little ones grow and can make it to day 5.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes. While it may seem like I'm ungrateful for what I have, I'm not. I know all too well the alternatives.

ER

ER went very smoothly yesterday. 22 eggs were retrieved. I must say that this experience was 100% different from my first cycle. DH was actually allowed to sit in the room with me pre and post retrieval. It was nice coming out of the anesthetic and knowing he was right there. I was too sore to really do anything yesterday...basically laid around and had hubby wait on me (LOL). Feeling much better physically today. Still nervous about the fert rate...but will see what happens.

Non IF related question

OK girls...I have an mp3 player that I got for Christmas...and it's still sitting here with no music on it. It's not an Ip0d, but one from the Sharper Image. And I'm completely lost as to how to download music onto it. The instructions suck. All you tech savvy gurus out there...please help me. I'm also looking for recommendations for sites to use to download the music. I'm always wary of sites asking me for my credit card info.

I need tunes for tomorrow's ER! Please help!

We almost didn't trigger...but we did

Yesterday, around 5:30 I started feeling a little crampy. No big deal I figured, my ovaries are the size of grapefruits so it's to be expected, right? Wrong. 15 minutes later I was doubled over in the most extreme pain I've ever felt in my life. I seriously thought my right ovary had burst! The pain was on my right side and and back. I couldn't even stand up. I also broke out in a cold sweat and there was no color in my face. I was home alone and I seriously thought about calling 911, or at least my neighbor across the street to take me to the ER. I ended up paging my on call doctor, who called me back promptly and told me to take Tylen0l and use a heating pad...I was like WTF??? If my ovary burst a heating pad isn't going to do jack shit!

Anyway, I ended up crawling upstairs to the bathroom and drawing a warm bath...I sat in the tub for about an hour with the most terrible pain in my back that moved into my pelvic region. It seriously felt like I had to pee, but couldn't. When my husband got home, I had called him and cried that he had to be here NOW, I was still in the tub, but the pain had gone away. I'm not sure if I had a stone or something that caused the pain, but it was the worst I've ever felt in my life, and I've damaged my sciatic nerve in the past.

As I'm typing this, there is no pain, except where DH shot me with the HCG last night. I'm wondering if I have kidney stones or something that may have been moving around in there. Whatever it was, I hope I don't have to endure that again.

ER is tomorrow!

Triggering

Just got the call from my nurse...we are to trigger tonight at 8:20pmCST. ER will be Wednesday at 8:20am...though I am to be in the office by 7am.

Please keep us in your thoughts...we had fertilization issues last cycle and I'm hoping that the measures we took over this past year will have helped eliminate some of that.

Just Breathe...

UPDATED : Just wanted to add that this is my 100th post!! Woo hoo!!!!

Catching up

Sorry I haven't posted...I've been feeling really crappy the last few days. These hormones are starting to take their toll on me...my left ovary is situated behind my uterus..so as my ovary swells with follicles, it pushes on my ute...which in turn pushes on my bladder and some other organs. So I'm peeing every time I drink something and am very uncomfortable.

Here is my update as of my appointment yesterday morning...

Right ovary: 19.5, 18, 17.5, 16, 15.5, 13.5 & 12...plus some smaller ones
Left ovary: 18, 17.5, 15, 15, 13, 12.5 and some smaller ones
E2 is just over 2000

I went this morning for another u/s and my largest follie was just over 20mm...I didn't write them all down as all I wanted was to hurry up so I could pee again (even though I peed right before I went into the u/s). My nurse believes I will trigger tonight...which makes ER on Wednesday. My DH was hoping for Thursday so he could take an additional day off work (he's normally off on Wednesdays) but I don't know if I could do another day of stims. I've been on them for 12 days and am SO READY to be done.

Sorry for the complaining...I chalk it up to being a hormone ravaged bitch today!

Monitoring appt #3

Right - 4 follies between 14mm and 11mm...lots of smaller ones
Left - 1 follie at 13mm...lots around 10mm
Estrogen - 883

Next appt is tomorrow morning. I only have 4 days worth of meds left...I'll find out tomorrow if I need to order more!

Appt #2

Yesterday was monitoring appointment #2. I'd been on stims for 5 days at the time of the appt...as I said before, my largest follie is 11mm and I have lots of smaller ones. My E2 was 393, which I'm told is good. Last cycle we did, I never got any of this information, and didn't know I should be getting it. So I'm not 100% sure I know what my E2 levels should be after 5 days of stims. Anyway, I'm not obsessing about my follies yet. Last cycle, I stimmed for about 12 days...so as we get closer to day 10 I'll start asking the how many's and how big's. My next appt is tomorrow, at 7am again.

I can say that I'm feeling my ovaries MUCH more this time around. Last cycle, I barely felt any different...this time around, it's like my ovaries are saying YOO HOO HERE WE ARE! This morning was the worst so far. Twinges and "crampy" feelings on both sides...so I hope that means the 225iu of F0llistim and 75iu of Men0pur that I shot up with last night are doing their jobs.

Yesterday was also DH's 32nd birthday. Since I worked from home, I was able to get his presents wrapped before he came home. We went to Gi0rdano's for dinner...nothing big. I felt really bad that we couldn't do more, but I'm always worrying about money and he didn't get home until a little before 7. We are planning on going to Harry Care.y's for dinner for his birthday, just not sure when that will be.

Well, better get back to work!

Monitoring appt #2

Went this morning for my follie check...largest follie is now 11mm...I didn't ask how many as I know it's still early in the game. I'll post more when I get my call from the nurse.

First monitoring appointment

Had my first monitoring appointment yesterday morning. All looks good so far. Have lots of follies on each side with the largest being 8mm on each side. Not bad for only 3 days of stims. Have my next appointment tomorrow at 7:30am. We'll see how much they've grown. I'm still not feeling any different, other than a bruised belly where I do the injections. I am more tired lately, but I can't attribute that to only the hormones...I've been busy and not getting alot of sleep, so it's catching up to me.

I've been a bad blog friend. I've been reading blogs, but not commenting. Please know that I'm following your stories, even if I haven't been able to say HI...hell, I haven't even been able to finish the finale to my story. Though you all know I end up marrying the man!

We're stimming

I took my first stim shots last night after my RE appt yesterday. I forgot how much that damn F0llistim STINGS going in! And I'm doing 225u each night...more than I did in one injection last cycle (I did 150 2x a day). The Men0pur stung as well. (doing 75ml) But the Lup0n continues to be a breeze (down to 5 units now). So I'm doing 3 shots again each night. Along with taking my thyr0id meds and prenatals.

I've had jury duty all week, so I haven't had to wake up at my normal 4:30am...it's been nice sleeping until 7 each morning...though I know I'll pay for it next week when I'm back to normal.

I'll try to post the finale to my "How I Met my Husband" story tonight.

Meme

Stole this from Bella's blog...

Answers must be one word:

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your significant other? downstairs
3. Your hair? ponytail
4. Your mother? home
5. Your father? same
6. Your favorite thing? sleep
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your favorite drink? coke
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. What you’re not? content
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? baby
17. Where you grew up? Chicago
18. The last thing you did? work
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite gadget? camera
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Your computer? two
23. Your mood? blah
24. Missing someone? always
25. Your car? broken
26. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
27. Favorite store? book
28. Like someone? husband
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. When is the last time you cried? yesterday

How I Met my Husband...part four

Let's see, where was I...oh yea. After that dinner, things were silent again. I want to stress that I continued on with my life. I dated other men, went out with friends etc. I didn't wait around wondering if he would ever call again. But he was always in the back of my mind.

We'd see each other one or two more times over the course of the next 5 years. But it never went anywhere other than those nights. But let me tell you...I knew I was head over heels. Sometime between the horrendous dinner and these 2 "dates" I realized that I was smitten with him. Even though I was living with my boyfriend, J, whom I'd been dating for about 5 years, I wrote C a letter in 2002. Basically, I told him that I loved him and that I was willing to leave everything behind for him. I left the ball in his court. My letter went unanswered, until the summer of 2003.

On June 16, 2003, I lost my grandmother. She had had a massive stroke in March that had basically took her from us then. She was bed ridden and on a feeding pump as she was unable to eat. I hate to use the term "vegetable" but that gives you an idea of the function she had. My grandmother was everything to me...she was my rock when I was a child and teenager. My mom and I didn't really start getting along until I had moved out and was in college, and my gramma was the one I talked to about everything with. Even after she had her stroke, I'd sit in the bedroom with her and just talk to her about things that were going on. I was angry with her after she died for leaving me with no one to confide in. J and I had been having problems since early in our relationship and I felt like I couldn't talk to him. Anyway, the day of her wake, who should walk in the door? That's right, C. He had heard from a friend of mine that my gramma had passed and, since he knew the nature of my relationship with her, wanted to pay his respects. Today, I firmly believe my gramma brought him back to me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. I hate to say it, but when I saw him that day, it was like everyone else disappeared. It was just C and I.

Over the course of the summer, we hung out and talked...and I started down the path that would lead to my breakup with J. I started telling J I was with girlfriends, when in fact I was with C. I'm not proud of how I conducted myself, but that's the way it happened. Eventually, my lies caught up with me and J found out what had been going on...and locked me out of our house. Now, I know what you're thinking...I deserved it. And maybe I did, but you didn't know J, and at the time, I felt I had no other options but to lie. I spent 2 nights away from home, unable to gain entry. On day 3, J let me back in...C was furious that I went back. I was so conflicted, I wasn't sure what to do. J was willing to forgive and forget, but was I?

Sorry

I know you are all waiting for part 4 of my story...but I'm afraid it will have to wait a little longer. This weekend was so busy...we had company on Saturday and Sunday we went to Pierogi Fest. I didn't get on the computer at all till now. Today was my first day of jury duty as well...so no PC access during the day. I only logged on to quickly check some email (home and work) and post this short blurb. I promise to get the next part up tomorrow or Wednesday.

On the cycle front...continuing with the Lup0n injections...so far I don't feel any different. I go back to the RE's office on Thursday and should hopefully start stimming then.

How I Met my Husband...part three

I want to be clear that the calls just tapered off, and it was a mutual thing. It was hard to get together since I didn't drive and he now didn't have a car. The distance was also an issue. It wasn't like I could hop on a city bus or anything. However, over the 4 years we did speak occasionally. Usually it was me calling him, and him making some excuse for not being able to talk and never calling back. I continued to send him Christmas and birthday cards each year.


In 1998, a girlfriend and I moved into our first apartment. It was in a not so great neighborhood, and it took me forever to get to work (still didn't own a car), but it was our place and we liked it. That is, until 6 months into the lease, friend decides she can't afford it anymore and moves back in with her parents. Luckily, her dad took pity on me and sent me a check every month for friends share of the rent.


Anyway, it was during the time that I was living alone in that hell hole that C walked back into my life. Literally called me out of the blue. I can't recall what time of year it was, but I'm betting it was summer as we always seemed to have the summer flings. We only went out a few times this go around before the calls tapered off again. Are you starting to see a pattern here? I was.

After I had moved back in with my parents, C called one night wanting to have dinner. He was already near my parent's house and wouldn't take no for an answer. I ended up going, but talked about my then boyfriend the whole time. I was angry with him for coming in and out of my life and wrecking havoc each time. Needless to say, I didn't talk to him after that for quite some time.

How I Met my Husband...part two

Fast forward 4 years...the year is 1994...we've both graduated high school and it's the summer before I started college...a mutual friend of ours called me to invite me to a party he was having at his house. I was excited to go. I knew one other girlfriend who had moved away my senior year would be there and I was anxious to see her again. What I didn't know was that HE would be there as well. When I arrived at the party, my friend kept me outside and said "I hope you won't be angry and leave when I tell you this, but C (my DH) is here as well". My stomach immediately dropped to my feet. I hadn't seen C since before his family vacation 3 summers before...I hadn't spoken to him since that last conversation. What would I say? Would it be awkward? Would he still be angry? I needed a moment to compose myself as I hadn't really "gotten over" him. I had thought of C often in those years, sending him birthday cards and Christmas cards each year...each one went unanswered. "I can do this" I thought to myself. I followed my friend into his house...

Now, my friend is well over 6 feet tall, so when I stood behind him I all but vanished. When we got into the living room, he stepped aside to allow me to be seen. It was in that moment that I realized he hadn't given C the same courtesy of telling him I was coming as he did me. C's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw me. There were some awkward hellos, but as the night progressed, we seemed to fall back into the playful, flirtatious relationship we enjoyed years before. I learned that he was seeing someone, and I shared that I was single. We exchanged phone numbers at the end of the evening, and before I could even make it home, I had a message from him on my machine. I called him back and we spoke until the wee hours of the next morning. He told me who had said I cheated on him, and I gave him the facts. We were both sad when we realized that had we talked things out that day years ago, that things may have been different. But we were happy to be back in each other's lives. As the summer wore on, our relationship progressed again from friends, to dating. It was almost as if we picked up right where we left off. We would spend weekends enjoying the lakefront and it's activities and going out to comedy clubs.

That summer, it seemed like comedy clubs were popping up everywhere...clubs were giving tickets away, all you had to buy were 2 drinks. Since we were still "underage" at that time, we would buy 2 sodas. The one thing DH and I love to tell people is that we saw Dave Chapp.elle in person before he was big. We had gone to a club one night and sat in the front row with a bunch of our friends. Since we were a bunch of college kids we got picked on alot. It was fun.

Towards the middle of Fall...C was in an accident and wrecked his car. He wasn't hurt, but his car was totaled. We lived 45 minutes from each other, I didn't drive and eventually the phone calls became further and further apart until they stopped all together. It would be 4 more years until we spoke again.