As DH and I were driving around on Sunday morning, doing the last of our Christmas shopping, listening to the Christmas tunes on the radio, this thought popped into my head, and my eyes welled up with tears.
This time last year, I was dreading the holidays. We had a horrible experience with an IVF failure behind us, and the newly announced pregnancy of my cousin with #2 to deal with. I didn't want to celebrate. I didn't want to see anyone, let alone the family who would look at us with pity in their eyes and dance around the subject of pregnancy or babies with us. It was this time last year that my husband said to me that maybe I needed to see a counselor to help me deal with the emotions of infertility. Though he didn't say it quite like that. Last year, we put up our tree, hung our stockings, decorated to the gills...all in a way to put on a "happy face" for the outside world while I was crying inside.
This year is so different. Lucky is growing big and strong inside me. I'll be 21 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I can't put into words the emotions this brings up in me. I'm so eternally grateful to be given this experience. Feeling Lucky move around makes me well up each and every time. Granted, they are only little flutters, but just knowing what it is, makes it all the more special. But yet, I haven't forgotten how I felt last year...and my heart breaks knowing that there are others out in the world who are feeling today, how I felt last year. I want to wrap my arms around each of you and just hug you.
While I'm happy this year to be where I am, and all the tears shed this holiday season are tears of joy, I send a prayer up for each and every infertile couple out there. May you find peace and joy in your lives.