Let's see, where was I...oh yea. After that dinner, things were silent again. I want to stress that I continued on with my life. I dated other men, went out with friends etc. I didn't wait around wondering if he would ever call again. But he was always in the back of my mind.
We'd see each other one or two more times over the course of the next 5 years. But it never went anywhere other than those nights. But let me tell you...I knew I was head over heels. Sometime between the horrendous dinner and these 2 "dates" I realized that I was smitten with him. Even though I was living with my boyfriend, J, whom I'd been dating for about 5 years, I wrote C a letter in 2002. Basically, I told him that I loved him and that I was willing to leave everything behind for him. I left the ball in his court. My letter went unanswered, until the summer of 2003.
On June 16, 2003, I lost my grandmother. She had had a massive stroke in March that had basically took her from us then. She was bed ridden and on a feeding pump as she was unable to eat. I hate to use the term "vegetable" but that gives you an idea of the function she had. My grandmother was everything to me...she was my rock when I was a child and teenager. My mom and I didn't really start getting along until I had moved out and was in college, and my gramma was the one I talked to about everything with. Even after she had her stroke, I'd sit in the bedroom with her and just talk to her about things that were going on. I was angry with her after she died for leaving me with no one to confide in. J and I had been having problems since early in our relationship and I felt like I couldn't talk to him. Anyway, the day of her wake, who should walk in the door? That's right, C. He had heard from a friend of mine that my gramma had passed and, since he knew the nature of my relationship with her, wanted to pay his respects. Today, I firmly believe my gramma brought him back to me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. I hate to say it, but when I saw him that day, it was like everyone else disappeared. It was just C and I.
Over the course of the summer, we hung out and talked...and I started down the path that would lead to my breakup with J. I started telling J I was with girlfriends, when in fact I was with C. I'm not proud of how I conducted myself, but that's the way it happened. Eventually, my lies caught up with me and J found out what had been going on...and locked me out of our house. Now, I know what you're thinking...I deserved it. And maybe I did, but you didn't know J, and at the time, I felt I had no other options but to lie. I spent 2 nights away from home, unable to gain entry. On day 3, J let me back in...C was furious that I went back. I was so conflicted, I wasn't sure what to do. J was willing to forgive and forget, but was I?