I'm growing increasingly nervous as beta day gets closer. Really, really, really nervous. I don't want to POAS simply because I don't want to see a negative. I know I said I was going to be positive and optimistic, but the negative feelings have started to creep in as I feel less and less like I could be the elusive pg. I don't want to see my DH crushed. He's so excited and wants this SO much...maybe even more than I do, if that's even possible. His heart will be broken...mine will be as well. It took me a long time last cycle to come to terms with our BFN. And we didn't even have any good embies. With this cycles, one "perfect" embie...my hopes were higher than before...which means the crash will hurt even more. I'm hoping that I'm fretting over nothing, but I feel nothing. No more twinges...no more pangs. My girls are still sore, but I know that could just be all the damn pr0gesterone I'm pumping into my body. That's it. There's nothing else that would tell me that Lucky is still around.
This is what I hate most about IF. It's not that the act of making a baby is no longer a romantic interlude between 2 people who love each other. The shots I can deal with, as well as the daily vagcam violations. I can handle that more people have seen my vajayjay in the last month than in my whole life before IF. No, what I hate the most is the not knowing part. The part where our hearts are pumped full of hope only to have them broken during a phone call that lasts only a few seconds.