1st Christmas

Merry Christmas

Santa came to see Lexi on her first Christmas. She was happy to get toys and sad to get clothes. Pictures will be forthcoming.

May you have a blessed day with your loved ones!

36weeks 3 days

Dearest Lexi,

Mommy missed your 8 month post on the 10th...we've been so busy gearing up for the holidays...so I thought I'd post today, which is also a special day. No, it's not Friday, so it's not a weekly "birthday"...and it's not the 10th, so it's not a monthly "birthday". No. Today you are 36 weeks and 3 days old, why is that special you ask? Because today, sweet girl, you are officially "out" longer than you were "in". Makes mommy a little sad to know that you're growing up so fast. But I love to marvel at all the things you can do.

You're starting to wave bye bye...though it looks more like you're waving to yourself, but you try. You also shake your head "no"...and I truly believe you're saying no since you only do it when I'm trying to get you to do something. You're starting to pull up on us. You'll grab at our shirts and try to pull yourself into a standing position. Makes for a precarious situation when we're out in public if mommy's not wearing the "right" shirt. But it's still fun to see you doing these things. You've tried dry toast, which you're not too fond of, but you LOVE your egg yolks from the hard boiled eggs we make. You haven't mastered the sippy cup yet, or like holding your own bottle, but that's ok...you're getting there. You also have cut your top left tooth. And the top right isn't far behind.

Oh peanut, I love you more than I can ever describe. You are my everything. You make me smile even when I'm feeling down. These past 36 weeks have flown by in a flash, but I treasure every moment in a special part of my heart that's reserved just for you.

Love always,

Mommy

To commenter Jill in my area...please email me, your blog is private and you don't have an email address on your profile. Thanks!

First Snow of the Season

We were "blessed" with the first snow of the season here in Chicagoland. We only received about an inch, but it was SO pretty. Lexi was too tired this morning on our way to gramma's that she didn't even notice the white stuff falling from the sky. Though having her sure makes me a more cautious driver. I was never a speed demon to begin with, but with slick roads and precious cargo strapped into her "big girl" seat...the anxiety level I felt during this morning's drive was higher than I've felt in a long time. Normally, its 45 - 55 minutes to grammy's (my mom's)...today it took a good 90 minutes. And I'm not complaining about the extra time, but MAN...I was petrified. I kept driving past cars that had skidded off the road and thinking, please, please, please let me stay on the road. If it were just me in the car...no big thing, but now that I have Lexi with me, I'm a different kind of driver. Anyone else change the way they drive in inclement weather when the babes are in tow?

On another note. DH and I had a date on Friday night, sans baby. My mom stayed an extra night so we could go to dinner and a movie. I hadn't been to a movie in at least a year. It was actually quite nice. We ate at 0live Garden and enjoyed some Lambrusc0 and calamari with dinner. We went to see Everyb0dy's Fine...with R0bert DeNir0. Great flick...kinda sad, but well worth seeing IMO.

Yesterday we decorated the tree. We had the Christmas music playing and I couldn't help but well up with tears this year, compared to years past. I have what I've always wanted. If I get nothing else ever again, I'll be content because I have her. And she may not know what all the fuss is about this year, but seeing the wonder in her eyes while she looks up at the massive tree, sparkling with lights, my heart overflows.

Giving up or giving in?

I apologize in advance for this post...it's all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling...like I'm leaving parts of myself all over the place and there aren't many pieces left.

It's been 2 weeks since my last entry...I haven't felt much like blogging. I haven't felt like doing much at all. I normally get "blue" during this time of year, but with everything else that's been going on, I've been feeling especially down. The one thing that can always bring a smile to my face? Lexi. Even if she's screaming at the top of her lungs at 2am.

I've lost my ability to work from home. My manager sites that it was an "accommodation for me due to my personal circumstances" but that it can no longer be extended. My "circumstances" haven't changed. I still live 2 hours away. I still am trying to seek therapy. I still have a baby at home that I want to be with. But it doesn't seem to matter. Nothing seems to matter.

Hubby went to 2 therapy sessions with me. He doesn't see the point of "couples therapy" since I'm the one who is "broken". His words to our therapist...she needs to fix herself before anything can be fixed between us. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that MY life was completely SEPARATE from yours. I didn't know that OUR life together had no impact on ME. Can't you understand that part of the reason I'm depressed is BECAUSE of you? Because of the rockiness of our relationship. Can't you see that I'm drowning here? That by asking you to come to therapy that I'm reaching out for HELP?

I put on a smile for those around me...my co-workers, my parents, my friends....when inside I'm crying...thinking why can't they see through the facade? Am I THAT good of an actress that no one can see the hurt in my eyes? No one can see that my smile doesn't reach my eyes? Or am I just telling myself that it doesn't? I don't know anymore.

I love my daughter. She is what keeps me from going completely insane. At 8 months old...that's a mighty weight for her to carry. She shouldn't have to.

300th post

This is my 300th post. 300. Wow. It took me just over 2 years to get to 300 since I don't post everyday. But still an achievement nonetheless.

I'm hoping that one day FAR into the future, Lexi can read these posts. Maybe it will give her a little insight into who her mom is when I'm not telling her to be home at x time, or no, she can't have the car. Maybe these words that I type will allow her to see that, while mom may not let her get away with murder, I love her. And have loved her since before she was ever conceived.

I'm not the best communicator person to person. I love yous weren't prevalent in my family growing up. I knew my parent's loved me, but the words were never spoken. Feelings weren't talked about. I want that openness with Lexi. I want to tell her how much I love her. I want her to be able to tell me how she's feeling, even if it means she doesn't like me at the moment. I want her to be able to come to me without fear of reproach. I grew up afraid of my mother. And while that fear kept me from doing anything "wild", it also meant that I didn't tell her things because I was afraid of her reaction. I was afraid she wouldn't be proud of me...that I would disappoint her. I'm really hoping to instill in Lexi that I'm proud of her no matter what...that she could never do something that would make me love her less. How does one do that? I'm hoping that by telling her how much I love her, and how proud I am of her, and how I react to things will bring about a confidence in her that will enable her to see that. And I'm hoping that these posts will help.

When I started this blog, Lexi was just a glimmer in my eye. A dream. But I still had plans to one day print every post and make a book for her. I still do. I'm just not sure when an appropriate time would be. Her life is just starting...there will be many, many posts to come about things she's doing, accomplishments she's made...as well as frustrations I'm having. While the first 300 posts are done...I look forward to 300 more.

Season of Giving

I read an article in my local newspaper that said charities are expecting a huge decline in the amount of donations they receive this holiday season. I then went to lunch and walked past no less than 3 homeless people sitting in various places along the way (I only have to go across the street to get to a place that has numerous lunch options). It got me thinking. DH and I are by no means well off. We live paycheck to paycheck and dip into our savings each month to make ends meet. But we have a savings. And we have a house, and food on the table (well, in the cupboards) and clean clothes to wear, and toys for our daughter.

I have a "no giving" policy when it comes to giving money to panhandlers. I've been burned too many times by people posing as someone in need, only to see them get into a flashy car, or change into a fur coat. But I will do what I can, when I can. Case in point. There is a homeless man, who sits in the same spot on the other side of the bridge from where I work. Everyday, without fail, he's sitting there, reading last week's newspaper, or whatever book he's happened upon. He has a cup in front of him, but he doesn't ask for anything, nor does he "plead" his case on a make shift sign. I know he's homeless because last winter I stopped to talk to him. He lost his job a few years back and ended up losing everything. He can't find work and he has a hard time because he has no permanent address. On my way to work, occasionally, I would stop and pick him up some fruit...an apple, or a banana. Something for him to keep in his bag "for later". The look on his face would be priceless when I would hand him the bag. A few weeks back, I got him a turkey sandwich from a local sandwich shop. He was so grateful, and even said he shouldn't really accept it because it was "too much".

My company is having a food drive to benefit the local food depository. I plan on going home tonight and cleaning out my cupboards and bringing anything I'm not going to use (within reason of course).

I may not be rich, but I believe in karma. I know that if I was in a position to have to visit a food bank, I'd hope that those who could give, would, so that my family could enjoy dinner.

The point of this post? I'm not really sure. As the holidays grow closer, I guess my feelings of "thanksgiving" are getting stronger. I'm grateful for what I have...and want to share what I can, when I can. I urge everyone to do the same.

7 months old (2 days late) with pics

Lexi turned 7 months old on Tuesday. Here are some pics of her from her latest photo shoot...

30 weeks

Dear Alexis,

Has it seriously been 30 weeks since your birthday? I can hardly believe the time has gone by so quickly. You're becoming quite the little lady at a mere 7 months old (on Tuesday!). And you're wowing Mommy and Daddy everyday with your development.

You can sit up all by yourself now...no support needed. It seemed to happen overnight. One day you were still all folded in half, the next day you were sitting up so straight! And you love this new found view of the world. You happily sit in your highchair without leaning back and you LOVE sitting in the shopping cart at the store. You also now sit in the highchairs at the restaurants, or in the seat we have that clips to the table. You are so happy to be a part of everything.

You've outgrown your car seat. Well, sort of. When you have your coat on, the straps don't want to buckle...so we had to go out and buy you a "big girl" seat. This one lets you ride rear facing still...but will stay with you until you're 8 years old (if it lasts that long).

You're also rolling over both ways now and have discovered your feet...which promptly go into your mouth every chance you get. To be that flexible again...

You've started eating the Ger.ber puffs and yogurt melts and think they are the most fascinating things. We also have been giving you frozen grapes in your little mesh feeder to help with your swollen gums...oh yea! You're getting BOTH your top teeth at the same time. I predict that they will emerge within the next week. Your little gums are red and swollen, and we can see the white teeth just below the surface. You are chewing on EVERYTHING and drooling like a faucet...you also haven't been eating much the last 3 days, but we know that it's because of those teeth. Mommy has to admit, you are a VERY good teether...while you're a little more fussy these last few days, you are still very easy to console.

You've been sleeping through the night like a champ as well. It was like you just decided one night, "Eh, I think I'll skip my 2am ba ba and just sleep from now on". It's amazing.

You are also "talking" all.the.time. "Dadadada and babababa" are your favorites. But you reserve the "Mamama"s for when you're upset. Crying with your arms outstretched to mommy is a new thing...it's SO cute and tugs at Mommy's heart each time.

Oh peanut, time sure has gone by in a flash. I'm excited to have you experience your first holiday season, but don't want you growing up too fast. I know that, all too soon, there will come a time when you no longer want to be held and snuggled...and will want to do things all by yourself (heck, this is starting already)...so Mommy relishes these "baby" times. You'll be a big girl way too soon. Always remember that Mommy loves you more than anything in this world.

Love always,

Mommy

A sibling for Lexi?

No, I'm not pregnant. But I have thought about giving Lexi a little brother or sister. But I'm conflicted. I love Lexi SO much...right now, I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love her. Is that wrong? Am I crazy to think that way? I can't even accurately describe my feelings...

I loved being pregnant. Sure, there were things that I didn't like, such as the bleeding scares, the swollen feet and the evil crotch pain...but it was the most amazing feeling, knowing she was there, feeling her move, experiencing every hiccup, playing guess the body part...but the best part was sitting quietly in her nursery and talking to her. Feeling her respond. Knowing she felt what I felt. She's the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. I can't imagine NOT experiencing a pregnancy again. But then I think part of what made it so special was the fact that she was my first. I know every pregnancy is special and unique, but for me, because she was/is in every way our miracle baby, made it even more meaningful to me.

What if I don't feel the same about future pregnancies? Will that mean I'll love the child any less? I don't think so...but it's hard to think about. DH and I had said we wanted our children to be about 2 years apart. That means we would have to start a new IVF cycle sometime after Lexi's first birthday to have that age gap...and that's assuming the cycle works. I don't know if I'll be ready to experience another pregnancy by her first birthday. It doesn't seem like enough time to focus on HER. She's almost 7 months old...and I still can't imagine sharing my time with another child. I love being with her and her alone. Am I making any sense? Probably not. All I know, is my heart is overflowing with love for my daughter...I'd love to give her a sibling to grow up with and play with, but I'm being selfish...I want her all to myself.

29 weeks slideshow

Make a Smilebox slideshow

Not much news

So I don't have much news to blog about. Lexi is her same charming self. She's been regularly sleeping through the night these last few weeks. I've been wary of posting about it as I thought I might jinx myself. But she's been going down between 7:30 and 8:30 each night and sleeping until at least 7am. Which is a blessing. SLEEP!!! Plus, she's still napping about 2 hours at least 2x a day. Sometimes she'll take a 3rd nap for about 45 minutes or so, depending on what we're doing that day.

Oh, she does have a little cough. I'm not sure what's causing it. It's a dry cough...no congestion, no fever, no runny nose. Almost a cough like you have a tickle in your throat...but it's been over a week. Any ideas? She doesn't act sick.

Happy Birthday to me

Dear Alexis,

Tomorrow, October 22nd, is mommy's birthday. I will be 33 years old. To think, I'd spent 32 1/2 years waiting for you. I'm so proud to say I'm your mommy. You are my everything. I am so happy to be able to spend my birthday with you.

All my love,

Mommy

6 month checkup

Lexi's 6 month check up was last Wednesday. For record keeping purposes:

Weight: 16lbs 11.5ozs (just under 75th percentile)
Height: 26 1/4 inches (75th percentile)

She had another HIB and 1/2 her flu shot (the other half she'll get next month) as well as one other that I can't remember...it's written in her little book, but I don't have it here with me.

Pedi is happy with her development...peanut is right where she should be!

26 weeks

Dear Alexis,

Today you are 26 weeks old...half a year. Mommy can hardly believe it. I know I say this alot, but Mommy feels SO lucky to have you. You have no idea the joy you bring to me when I see you smile that toothless (almost) grin.

You have 2 teeth now...both on the bottom. Mommy and Daddy didn't even know they were cutting through...you were such a good girl...no crying or fussing! And that's the norm for you. You very rarely cry...but watch out because when you do, it's all out screaming! You wake up in the morning and happily lay in your crib playing with your Tigger or your seahorse until Mommy or Daddy come get you. Bedtimes are nice as well. After your bath and bottle, we lay you down and turn on your seahorse and you fall asleep on your own.

Don't get me wrong, there are times when you are a little monster...but they are few and far between.

You and Daddy in the Corn Box at the Pumpkin Farm

You and me kiddo, at the pumpkin farm.

Ridin' your bike

Oh how I love you!

Letting it all out

Content has been removed.

I'm starting a new blog. I will maintain this site for updates on Lexi and all things parenting. My new blog will be invite only and will be where I journal about this new turn my life has taken. Please leave a comment if you'd like to follow along with your email address...but, lurkers, please don't be offended if I send a message back asking who you are.

Tears

I did something today that I've been meaning to do for a few weeks now, but have been putting it off.

I packed away all the clothes Lexi has outgrown. As she was outgrowing things, we were just throwing them into a diaper box, but yesterday I went to Tarjay and bought some totes, and this morning, I went through everything, sorted by size, and folded them neatly into the totes. And cried as I did it. Seeing all the preemie and newborn sizes again...and my favorite duckie outfit...knowing my baby isn't my "peanut" anymore...got me all emotional. There are even clothes that she never got to wear (because they were the wrong season (6 month summer clothes etc)).

I'm hoping that my sister, or my best friend have girls whenever they decide to have children. I would love to be able to pass some of these things to them.

On another note, if you notice anything weird going on here, please be patient. I've decided to move to wordpress...I think. I'm going to try to import my posts over there and see what happens.

Sleepless nights

You may think that Lexi is the reason for the title of this post...and she is, but not for the reason you'd expect. The last 3 nights, Lexi has slept at least 8 hours...but mom didn't. Sunday she slept from 8pm - 4am. Monday was 9pm - 9am. Tuesday was 8pm - 7am. Awesome sleeping. For her. Not for me. I still woke up at 2:30am each night. My body's internal clock knows that 2:30am is about the time she would wake up to eat. So while I woke up and laid in bed wide awake, Miss Alexis was snoring away in her crib! Maybe if she keeps this up, my internal clock will adjust back to sleeping through the night! I can only hope!

Lexi also cut another tooth. So now, you can feel the sharp tops of both bottom teeth! My goodness!

She goes for her 6 month check up on the 14th of October (can you believe tomorrow is October 1st already!!).

On a different note, I think I may be moving to Wordpress. I'd like to be able to PWP some posts and Blogger just doesn't give me that functionality. So my question is for anyone who has made the move to WP...once I import my posts to WP, does that mean they are gone from Blogger? Or will they be on both sites until I take Blogger down? I'd like to play with WP before "going live" but I don't want to impact this spot too much until then.

PWP or move

I was reading Kate's latest post regarding privacy and it got me thinking. Well, I've actually thought about it alot since Lexi's birth. I know I have some anonymity, but not alot. If anyone IRL saw Lexi's photo, they would obviously know whose blog this was. I'm also concerned about someone stealing Lexi's photo and posting it somewhere else. I've heard horror stories about people finding their child's photo on adoption sites and other places. And while I generally see the good in people, and have been lucky thus far, I'm not sure I want to "play with fire".

I'm thinking about either going private here, or moving to wordpress where I can password protect certain posts. I know I have a few readers and some subscribers...so give me your suggestions. Should I go private here? Or move to wordpress?

I tried

This post has been removed.

Talking and Pictures

The content previously here has been removed.

In other news...Miss Alexis, at 23w5d has cut her first tooth! I had NO idea she was teething. She chews her hands and drools alot...but she's been doing that for months and the ped said she may just like to suck her hands the way some babies like to suck on a paci (since she doesn't take a paci). She wasn't overly cranky at any point, but last night I happened to feel her gums and could FEEL the tooth, which had already broken through the gum! It's on the bottom left side.


My little girl is growing up so fast!

The truth

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We're back!

We are back home safe and sound. We've been home since Saturday night, but all of us are sick...and I'm just starting to feel better and this is the first time I've actually logged onto the computer since I've been back! I promise a post with details and pictures just as soon as I can!

Vacation!

We are leaving this Sunday morning for the first vacation we've taken since we've been married, and then first with Lexi. We're packing up the car and taking a road trip to Erie, PA, where we will spend 2 nights with Lexi's godfather, DH's cousin. We will then head off to Niagara Falls for 2 nights. Then back to Erie to stay with DH's uncle for 2 more nights...then home.

I'm both excited and nervous about this trip. It's the first long road trip with Lexi...and I'm wondering how she'll do. We're planning on leaving at 3am. Yes, you read that correctly. Lexi usually wakes up around 2:30am to eat...so we figured, we'd put her into her car seat and then leave...hoping that she'll sleep in the car like she sleeps at home...until 6:30 or 7am. At that point, we'll be half way through the drive.

I'm not taking the laptop, and I don't know how to mobile blog...so I'll be out until we get back. Wish us luck!

One year ago...

I received the call that would forever change my life. It's so hard to believe that it's been one year since I had my blood drawn for that first beta. One year since I sat at this very desk in my home office....waiting for the phone to ring...willing it to ring. Jumping every time it did only to be disappointed to see a work colleague's number on caller ID. Finally, just before 3pm, the call came.

Me: Hello?
Nurse: May I speak to Amy please?
Me: This is she
Nurse: Congratulations your beta came back at 137
Me: Are you sure? Please make sure you're reading the right file...this would be a cruel joke
Nurse (laughing): I'm sure...you are pregnant.
Me (Crying hysterically): Oh my god!....

The rest of the conversation entailed the nurse scheduling me for a follow up beta and me babbling about not being able to believe it.

I'll never forget that call. It changed my life. It changed me. From that moment on, I was no longer "just" me. I was also a mom.

20 weeks

Dear Alexis,

20 weeks old. Technically, 5 months old. Where has the time gone?

You have really found your voice...and babble ALL the time. It's precious to hear you trying new sounds and stringing them together. Mommy took some video yesterday of you "talking" while you were eating your carrots. Oh yea, didn't I mention? You had carrots for the first time yesterday. You loved them...smacking your lips and licking them. It was SO funny to watch...yet so sad too. As I know you are growing up.

You also love to lay on your tummy and play "airplane". You arch your back and lift your head and arms, so it looks like you're flying. You entertain yourself for a longer stretch now as well. We can put you in your highchair with some toys and actually enjoy our dinner! We used to have to either scarf it down, or eat it cold, after we tended to you.

You have your first professional photo shoot on Sunday afternoon. I scheduled it for 12:30 as you are normally just waking up from a nap at noon...and you're always such a happy girl when you wake up. I hope you are in a good mood on Sunday and smile big for the camera!

It's been 8 weeks since mommy went back to work. And everyday is still a struggle. I find myself making excuses to work from home, so I can sneak in a snuggle or two during the day. It really refreshes me. Grandma is still here those days watching you...she takes you for walks in the buggy, to the playground to swing on the swings. And today, you get to go to lunch with Grandma and mommy's aunt. You're such a lucky girl. You have so many people who love you so very much. But none more than me.

I love you baby girl...for now, forever, for always.

Mommy

19 weeks

I had this post saved to drafts and forgot to publish it.

Dear Alexis,


You're 19 weeks old today...holy cow has the time gone fast. You had your 4 month appointment with Dr B on Tuesday. You were NOT happy to see him, and cried when he walked in the room. I think you remembered what happened at your 2 month appointment when you got your first shots. And like that day, you got shots again. And again you looked at me with that "Why Mommy" look and cried. Broke my heart.


You got a fever that night as well...your first. You were a miserable baby, and sure let all of us know. You didn't want anyone to hold you except momma...so I stayed home from work to snuggle you and comfort you.


You tried prunes for the first time this week as well. Didn't really like them. I don't blame you...mommy didn't like them either.


Mommy is still struggling with leaving you to go to work. Every morning at your 4am feeding, I hold you close, inhale your sweet baby scent and tell you I love you. I try to soak in as much of you as I can to get through the day...but it's never enough. Baby girl, please understand that mommy is doing this in order to provide for you. If I had any other choice, I would stay home with you in a heartbeat. You're growing so fast, almost right before my eyes it seems, and I feel like I'm missing out.

I love you with all my heart,

Mommy

Niagara

DH and I are planning a trip to Niagara Falls. Lexi's godfather lives in Erie, PA along with his parents and sister. His sister couldn't make it in for her christening, so she's never seen our precious little one. We decided in July that we'd make the trek out to PA to visit, and since they are only 2 hours from Niagara, visit the falls as well. Needless to say, since this was all kinda last minute, we aren't 100% prepared to go. None of us have passports...so we can't go to the Canadian side of the falls. We have no hotel yet in Niagara...we're hoping someone will have a vacancy when we get there! I have 2 weeks, to see if I can "plan" a nice vacation...anyone in the Erie area?? Suggestions for me??

Fever

Lexi had her first fever Tuesday night and yesterday. I'm sure it was a reaction to all the shots she received. She was a little cranky Tuesday and clingy, which I expected. Around 10:30pm she started to cry, and when we picked her up, she felt warm, but she went back to sleep almost immediately. Around 1am she woke again, this time she felt really warm. Took her temp...102.8. Needless to say, she was miserable. We had given her Tylen0l around 5pm Tuesday...and we gave it again to her at the 1am wakeup. Yesterday her temp hovered around 101, but finally went below 100.4 (high normal rectal temp) and was at 99.9 before bathtime last night.

I stayed home from work yesterday to be with her. I felt guilty leaving her today to come to work. All my thoughts are with her every second I'm away from her...and I'm afraid my work is going to start suffering. I REALLY need to find some kind of balance...but all I want to do is stay home with her...

4 month well visit

Today was Lexi's 4 month checkup

Weight - 14lbs 4 oz (50%)
Length - 25" (75%)
Head - 40.2cm

Dr was happy with her growth and development. Made a few comments on her great head control...and that she likes to stand. We talked about the strawberry hemangioma on her head...he won't do anything about it...it needs to shrink on its own. I'm not to thrilled with that, because I keep hitting it with her comb...but oh well. I'll just have to be more careful!

She got 3 shots today and her oral Rotovirus. She was asleep even before we got to the car!

Pics

In the dress JJ sent us when I was born. It was finally HOT enough for me to wear it this weekend!!

Look how BIG I'm getting!

I love my garanimals

I look like a little lady!

My bumbo! Mommy puts me here so she can blow dry my hair!

On this day, 1 year ago

my baby was transferred back to me from her home in the petri dish. I remember the drive to the RE's office. We still thought we had 4 embryos growing. It was a clear, sunny day. I remember looking up at the clouds and "talking" to my grandma*. I remember asking her to please watch over my little embies, and that if she had any pull with the Man upstairs, to please ask Him to "help us out".

When we arrived at the RE's, we found out that 3 of our 4 embies had arrested during the night, and we had only 1 survivor. My DH was visibly upset, but I was strangely ok with it. I remember feeling eerily at peace and optimistic. When they transferred that embie back to me, I remember saying to DH, "I'm pregnant until proven otherwise".

One year ago...

My daughter was conceived. On August 13, 2008, I went into my RE's office in downtown Chicago for my egg retrieval. 22 eggs were taken from me, 16 were mature. I would find out the next day that 4 had fertilized. One of those 4 is Lexi.

To say I'm in a different place today than I was a year ago is quite the understatement. My life has certainly changed...but so have I. I look at my daughter with wonder and excitement. 2 feelings I didn't feel very often a year ago.

Happy Blogoversary to me

When I created this blog 2 years ago, I wasn't in a very good place. I had a failed IVF cycle behind me (May / June 2007) and I began searching the internet for solice. I came across a blog of a woman who had been through numerous IVF cycles, and a recent miscarriage. As I read her words, my heart pounded. Her emotions were my emotions. I started clicking on links within her blog and found other women who were dealing with the same things I was. Through this one woman's blog, I found what is now referred to as the ALI community. I had found my home. I started my blog shortly after I found this community. It was a way for me to vent, to put my feeling out there, with no worries about backlash. My family was oblivious, as were my friends. But I began to find that I could count on the support network that having this blog provided me. As time went on, and my status changed from cycling to pregnant and now to parenting, I've followed other bloggers out there who where doing the same, and others who were still fighting the battle. I know that over time, I've lost some readers, but there are a few people out there that I really consider to be my friends...even though we've never met.



I don't know what I would have done had I not stumbled upon that blog 2 years ago. So, Jenna, if you're out there and reading. Thank you.

I thought this was only a pregancy thing...

When I was pregnant, I would occasionally have an issue where my blood sugar would fall quite low (I failed my 1 hour test because my blood sugar was only 32). I'd get really weak feeling, start to shake a little, and get a hot flash. I carried with me glucose tablets that I could take to quickly bring my sugar back up. I think I only had 3 or 4 instances where I had to take the glucose because I was feeling really crappy. Well, it happened again today. I had a bagel for breakfast around 8:30am. At 1pm I walked across the street to grab some lunch. When I got back to my desk, I started feeling a little funny. Then I noticed the shaky hands and got hit with the hot flash. My immediate thought was "SHIT! I don't have any glucose with me!". Luckily I remembered that I gave a coworker a roll to keep in her desk, "just in case". I managed to go retrieve them and popped one before I got too shaky.

I thought the hypoglycemia was only a pregnancy thing with me...I'd never had an issue with low blood sugar before I was pg. But I guess not...I'll have to make an appointment with my GP to talk to him about this.

Alexis remains the same lovable, huggable little baby she was last week. I could just eat her up! She celebrated her 4 month birthday yesterday! I can't believe she's 4 months old already! She has her 4 mo well check and shots coming up a week from today. Poor baby will be miserable after that!

Happy 17 weeks

Happy 17 weeks baby! I can't believe how much you've grown! Mommy has 2 boxes of clothes that don't fit you anymore! I pulled out my favorite sleeper today and it's SO tiny! I can't believe you used to swim in it!

You got bananas for the first time on Wednesday! And you LOVE LOVE them! Mommy was a little upset that auntie gave them to you without asking, but she had a point...I DID have the jars on the counter. So now you get bananas for breakfast and dinner, along with your bottle. You kick your legs and get all excited when you see the spoon, it's so cute.

You're wearing 6 month sleepers and 3-6 month clothes...so you're "right on track". Mommy is a little concerned about your strawberry on your head...since you have SO much hair, the strawberry gets caught on the comb! So I've added it to my list of things to talk to Dr B about. The other strawberries don't seem to cause you any pain and they aren't in the way of clothes or anything, so we won't worry about those just yet.

Yesterday while you were "swimming" in the big tub, you were trying to roll over onto your tummy...and you did! If it weren't for mommy holding your head, you would have gotten a face full of water...though you don't seem to mind water in your face. You regularly stick your face in the water whenever you can!

You also now love to play with toys...you have a glow worm (it's a seahorse really) that lights up and plays music...and when mommy puts it going for you, you love to snuggle up to it and touch the lighted tummy and it's head.

I look forward to these next few weeks as you're discovering and doing something new almost everyday...but don't grow up too fast, my love.

Love always,

Mommy

Dear Alexis,

You're 16 weeks old and Mommy has been back to work for 3 weeks. And it's been a hard 3 weeks. For both of us. I'm sorry I have to work, baby girl. I know that going to gramma's at 5am on Monday mornings isn't your favorite thing to do...trust me, it isn't Mommy's either. But I have to work. It physically hurts me to be away from you. Mommy can handle a few hours, but all day? Way too much for me to handle. I don't want to miss anything. We spent a long time together, just the 2 of us. First while you were growing in my tummy, and then your first 12 weeks of life. We cried together, slept together, ate together, played together, laughed together. It was just you and me kiddo. And Mommy misses that.


I hold you at night sometimes after your bottle, and you're in that cute "not quite asleep yet" stage. Your eyes are all droopy, but you hang on to me. And while I know it's just your reflexes, Mommy likes to think that you know what you're doing. It's during these quiet times together that Mommy gets overwhelmed with emotion. I love you so much. My eyes still well up with tears of happiness when I hold you close. I hope that when you're old enough to read these that we are still as close as we are now.

I love you.

Love,

Mommy

16 weeks

Alexis is 16 weeks old today! Hard to believe she's no longer my little "peanut"! I estimate her weight around 13lbs and length around 24 inches...that's 7lbs and 5 1/2 inches more than she was 16 weeks ago!

She's smiling and laughing all the time now. She's still a little wobbly with her head, especially when she's sleepy, but she gets better everyday. She can flip from her tummy to her back, and can almost turn from her back to her tummy...those darn arms just get in her way! Her hands are her favorite toy, and they are always in her mouth. We think she may be teething as she's been a drool faucet for the last 5 or 6 weeks and the sucking on her hands has become more and more frequent. Lexi hates her paci...and will only suck on it for less than a minute before spitting it out, preferring her hands, or mommy's shoulder!

She's been getting rice cereal in her last bottle before bed since she was 2 months old and we've began to give her some on the spoon at least once a day. She's averaging 25 - 30 ounces a day but still doesn't sleep through the night. Waking up at 2:30 am is starting to wear on us. I really hope that as more solids are introduced to her, she'll start sleeping more at night.

She loves her activity gym that her Auntie Bridget bought her. She'll lay there for at least 30 minutes playing with the fishes before she gets bored and wants to do something else.

Lexi loves people! She'll happily go to anyone that we pass her too, all smiles and giggles. I'm sure this will change as she gets older and her "stranger" stage starts. Well that's all for now, I'll update later with her 16 week pictures. I have to wait until she wakes up from her nap before I can take them!

Coupons **HAVE BEEN CLAIMED**

Hi all...I have some Nest.le Good.Start vendor checks...we don't use this formula so they are of no use to me, but I keep getting them. There are $1 and $8 checks. Please email me if interested. First come, first serve. Some expire in August, others September.

Not Baby Related

I need some assvice. I've been working for my company, a large Bank, for just over 4 years, though I have almost 7 years of credited service (due to leaving and coming back). In these 4 years, I've had 2 jobs, mainly working with the same people. I love who I work with...but not necessarily the work itself. I mean, I enjoy what I do, but I don't wake up in the morning with the burning desire to do it. Anyway, as I stated in my last post, being away from Lexi is hard and I have that 4 hour a day commute as well. I applied to a few companies yesterday just for shits and giggles, and one of them emailed me first thing this morning wanting to setup a telephone interview. Now, I have no clue where this job will be, or what this company's stance on flexible work arrangements are, but I guess my question is...if you were in a stable job at a company you didn't foresee any cutbacks or layoffs at, would you move to another company and be the "low man on the totem pole"? I'm a little nervous about actually moving to another company (I know, I haven't even interviewed yet, but I need to know where my mind is on this) in today's economy when I really have no reason to leave where I'm at other than that damn commute!

I've asked my current employer in the past to telecommute, but they won't approve it, saying I am needed in the office!

Thoughts on returning to work

I've been back to work now for just over a week...and alot of my IRL friends keep asking me how I'm doing...and my standard response is "ok". But am I really ok? When I think about it, I guess I'm really not. I miss my baby girl. Rotten was so kind to send me a framed picture of my little girl with "I Love You!" printed on it for my desk. So I get to look at her all day. But it's not enough. I want more. (Thank you Rotten for the VERY nice present).

Before I was pregnant, I always said that I wouldn't have a problem going back to work...that I needed the mental stimulation and challenges that my job provides me. And I do...but I've come to realize that I don't need that as much as I need to be with Lexi. My heart aches to be near her when I'm at the office. But I HAVE to work. I carry our health insurance, and I get paid more than DH. We can't live on his salary alone. The 12 weeks I was home was challenging in another way. I had to learn what this little bundle was communicating to me with her cries and whines. And I think I've successfully done that. 99% of the time, I can tell by Lexi's cry what it is that she needs/wants. I'm sure that will change as she gets older, but I look forward to those things. And to think that I won't have the same amount of time to devote to her really rips at my heart.

I keep thinking to myself how hard we worked to bring Lexi into this world...the physical pain of injections and swollen ovaries, all the emotions that come with a negative outcome over and over, the financial burden we undertook to be able to do IVF in the first place. We did all this to have a baby, and now we can't even be with her as much as we want to be.

I guess I'm also afraid that she'll bond more with my mom, who is really going to be her primary sitter. It's silly, I guess. But I really feel like I'm missing out on this time with her. I don't get to see her discover alot of things for the first time. And I'm not "ok" with that. I just have to figure out how I can balance work and home. With a 4 hour a day commute it won't be easy. Any suggestions??

Rolling, Rolling, Rolling

OK...so she's not rolling THAT much...but my baby girl did roll over for the first time today from her tummy to her back. DH had put her down in her crib for a nap on her tummy, like we always do, we heard her fussing on the monitor about wake up time...but then the fussing turned to coos and laughs...she had flipped herself onto her back and was cooing at the fish mobile we have hanging on her crib! My little baby is getting so big! <8'(
Lexi was also Baptized last Sunday. She was good the whole Mass...until they poured that cold water on her head...then she cried. But only for a little while. Here are some pics to enjoy!

Lexi smiling up at Daddy

Lexi and her Godfather

Our priest, Godfather, Godmother (also my sister), me and DH

Godparents



The princess...the dress she wore is an Irish Linen heirloom. It's 65 years old and every baby born into our family in the last 65 years has been baptized in it. The picture doesn't do it justice.

Pictures

These were taken yesterday...

Third day in a row!

Wow...this back to work thing has paid off in that I have time again to post! Though I'm sure everyone's tired of hearing me say how much I miss my lil punkin!

Anywoo, Lexi slept through the night again last night! Woo Hoo!! She didn't nap much throughout the day for her auntie, so she was a bit fussy last night...but I gave her a bath (have I told you how much she LOVES her bathtime??!!), gave her a bottle, and we rocked on the rocker and sang songs until she was just about to doze off. I put her down in her crib about 10:20...and she slept until 4:45! I think we're finally getting past the nighttime craziness we were having! Though DH gets out of a feeding, since I do bedtime AND I'm the one up at 4:30! I may have to get him to do bedtime a few nights!

Lexi's baptism (see...this is why I asked my previous question) is on Sunday. We have family coming in from out of state that will be staying with my in laws, and with us. I'm on vacation next week from work! Woo Hoo! I need it (lol)! Lexi will be wearing a 65 year old linen gown with Irish shamrocks on it. This gown has been worn by every baby born into the family for the last 65 years! I found little shoes with shamrocks that match, and a bib that matches as well. I'll post pictures afterwards.

Work day 2

It's my second day back at work...and I'm still trying to get all my access restored and get back into the swing of things. Needless to say, I don't have alot of work on my desk...which leaves me plenty of time to think about Lexi. I managed not to call at all yesterday, and I've only called once today. I just wish the clock would speed up a little so I can get home to see my angel!

On another note...can someone please tell me what the difference between "christening" and "baptism" is? I always thought they were one in the same, but someone told me they aren't?

Return to Work

Today is the day...I am back at work. I loaded up the car last night with all Lexi's "necessities". I didn't want to forget anything. She is spending the night tonight with her grandma. I will see her this evening and she will be home tomorrow. We had a bit of a mix up in who was watching her when, which necessitates her sleeping at grandma's tonight. She did give me a present though...she slept from 10pm until 4:25am! She woke around 2:30, fussed a little, and went back to sleep! I fed her at 4:30, and packed her into her carseat, where she promptly fell asleep and then slept through the whole ride to my mom's...all the way until 7:30 this morning! (I've been told, as I left her at 6:30!)

It's amazing how much I miss her. I'm not worried about her, as I know she's in excellent hands...I just miss holding her and cuddling with her. I'll have LOTS and LOTS of hugs and kisses for her tonight when I get off the train. There were tears on the ride to grandma's (mine, not hers). It's just hard to believe 12 weeks went by SO fast!

Update: I just received a flower arrangement with a card reading "Thank you for being the best Mommy in the world! Can't wait to see you when you get home! Love, Lexi." I am now an emotional wreck, with tears streaming down my face. Thank you baby...mommy loves you too! (Thanks DH...I needed this!)

12 weeks

Today is the day I have been dreading since my water broke...my official "return to work" day. I've managed to postpone going back by taking a vacation day today. But I can't put it off any longer. I know this is my last weekend at home with her. My eyes well with tears at the thought of leaving her on Monday. These last 12 weeks, while rittled with frustration, have been the best 12 weeks of my life. Watching Lexi blossom, seeing her explore and experience things for the first time, has been priceless. She's smiling all the time now, and even starting to laugh...she makes the face, but not much sound comes out yet. I'm so happy that I got to see those things, as I know I will miss many of her firsts...rolling over, crawling, etc. While I can hope she will wait to do those things while I'm home, realisticly I know she probably won't.

On a lighter note, we've moved Lexi into her room. She has slept in her crib the last 2 nights. We're also starting to get a nighttime routine down. She gets her bath around 9 or 9:30, then a bottle, then to bed. She's been in bed by 10:15 both nights, and slept until 2:15 or 2:30...got another bottle and went right back to sleep. This is good news for us, as she was still getting up every 2 - 3 hours. I can only hope that this sleep pattern continues.

11 weeks old (a day early)

Lexi will be 11 weeks old tomorrow. And while the past 3 months have been a challenge for me (learning how to care for a newborn etc), this next week will prove to be even more challenging. See, next week is my last week at home. I return to work on July 6th. I'm already having moments where I get all emotional, I can't imagine what it will be like to drop her off at my mom's that first morning.

2 months old - 10 weeks today

It's been awhile since my last post. Alexis has been keeping me busy. It's hard to get online when I'm home with her. Even during her naps, I try to get other things accomplished. So I'm sorry for not keeping up with other bloggers as well. I've been trying, but have fallen far, far behind.

So Alexis turned 2 months old on the 10th. She had her 2 month check up this past Wednesday (17th). She is now 10 lbs 7.5 ozs and 22.5 inches long. She also received all her 2 month shots. I cried right along with her. I had to hold her arms and stay up by her head while the 2 nurses each took a leg...and she looked me right in the eyes when they did it and the look tore my heart out. Almost like she was saying "Why are you letting them hurt me mommy?". She was fussy that evening, but for the most part had no adverse reactions.

I've blogged in the past about my inability to get Lexi to eat more than 2 ozs in a feeding, and the subsequent need for me to feed her almost every hour. Well, I think I've found my solution. We were using the 0-3 month slow flow nipples. I've since changed to the 3-6 month fast flows and she's now eating almost 4 ozs at one feeding, and going 3 - 4 hours in between. I guess she was just getting tired of sucking those slow nipples. She has also been put on Axid, as the ped thinks she may have some acid reflux issues. We are also going to be starting cereal. I gave her cereal before we changed to the fast flow nipples off a spoon (only about a teaspoon) and she was able to mouth it back and swallow it. Only a little bit came back out and had to be cleaned from her face. The ped ok'd it when we saw him Wednesday. I can either give it to her on a spoon, or in her bottle. She should get 1/2 tsp. per ounce of formula. We've decided to switch off, one day she'll get the spoon, another the bottle.

I'm also dealing with the emotions of having to go back to work in 2 weeks. I'm excited about going back, because I need the mental stimulation...but I HATE to leave my precious angel. The only thing that makes it easier is knowing my mom is going to be watching her, so I know she'll be with someone who loves her just as much as I do.

Smiles and 8 weeks old

I think every mother anxiously awaits that moment when their child smiles their first real smile. And you KNOW it's a real smile. Lexi did just that today...but it wasn't me on the receiving end. And it wasn't Daddy either. Who was it you ask? This is who...

Yes, my daughter reserved her first smiles for the family pet. I had her in her bouncer to take her 8 week pictures. Whenever Buddy would walk past Lexi, this is the face she made...

He would walk away and I'd get this face...

Come back into her view and get this face...

Buddy must have walked away and came back a dozen times...all with the same effect. So I get to remember Lexi's 8 week photos as the ones where she smiled for the first time...at the family dog.

Thrush

She's got it...and got it bad. Lexi's little mouth is covered in white yeast. Last week, we noticed some white spots on her tongue and assumed it was milk deposits, as they seemed to lessen when we gave her a few sips of water. However, this last ThursdayI noticed it on the inside of her cheeks. Called the ped and they called in a prescription for her. I've been giving her the meds as prescribed, but the yeast seems to be getting worse, not better. It's on the roof of her mouth, her cheeks, her tongue...uugghh. I know it's going to take a few days for the meds to kick in, but how long? She also spits some of it back out, so I'm worried she's not getting the full effect of the medicine.

I'm also worried a little about the amount of formula she drinks in one feeding. We're lucky we can get 2 ounces into her at a time, 3 ozs is rare, with most feedings being an ounce and a half. As a result, we're still feeding her every 1 1/2 to 2 hours. We can go 3 hours at night most nights. She's gained weight...weighing about 9lbs now (I weigh myself and then weigh again holding her) so she's up 3lbs from her birth weight. How much did your 7 week old take in a feeding if you formula fed?

These are all questions I have to ask her ped...but another mother's experience is just as valuable to me.

Not like me

I'm very upset with myself. I got angry at Lexi today because she wouldn't stop crying. ANGRY at a 7 WEEK OLD! She was in a fussy mood today and nothing I did would console her. I felt myself getting angry at her for not listening when I asked her to please stop crying. Who gets angry at a 7 week old?? I put her down in her pack n play and went upstairs for 5 minutes...and still she cried. When I cooled off, I went back to pick her up and she finally calmed down. But I was so upset with myself for allowing myself to get to a point that I was angry with her. I still am. It's so not like me.

6 weeks

6 weeks past, and 6 more to go...until I return to work. Today marks the half way point in my maternity leave. It's hard to believe that 6 weeks has past already.

Lexi is getting bigger everyday it seems. Yesterday was a hard day. All she wanted was to be held and fed. She would only take 15 - 30 minute cat naps and then want to eat again. I hope this is a growth spurt and not evidence of a new habit of hers. The plus? She slept from 9:15 last night until 1:15. 4 hours straight! That is a big milestone for her. She's been on a 2 hour schedule, and is like a little alarm clock. We've tried to get her to go longer, but she won't eat more than about 2 - 2 1/2 ozs at a time...she'll spit it out.

She also seems to have alot of trouble moving her bowels. She strains and grunts and cries...but her poop isn't hard, so I'm not sure why it's so hard for her to pass it. The ped had told me that it's probably just that she hasn't learned yet how to effectively use the muscles to pass the poop...but wouldn't she have learned that by now? It's so hard to watch her struggle to poop, and then have either nothing come out, or see that it's soft and wonder why it was so difficult for her.

Other than the poop issue, Lexi is a happy, content baby. We're very fortunate.

One month pics

1 month

Today, Alexis turns one month old. She's getting so big and changing everyday. I love watching her sleep. She makes the cutest faces, from grimaces and smiles, to sticking her tongue out and sucking her cheeks in to make a fish face. She had a bath yesterday. I had previously been giving her sponge baths in her little tub, but it was hard to do and I was afraid I'd drop her, and she'd scream the whole time. So last night, I filled our tub about a quarter way and got in, DH then handed me Alexis. We had NO TEARS! She seemed to really like being submerged in the water (I wonder why??). And it was SO EASY to wash her. I was able to lay her on my thighs for support of her body and just hold her head. I didn't feel like I'd drop her. She actually arched her back so that the back of her head was in the water. Not sure if it was voluntary or not, but it was cute. And she was happy. The only tears came when we took her out. I've found a new way to bathe my baby...at least during the times when I have time to take a bath with her!

Mother's Day

I was going to write a Happy Mother's Day post, but I remembered how I felt last year, when I only had a failed IVF cycle to show for my efforts. How I felt when I heard, or read, those sentiments. And I don't want to be the cause of anyone's pain. So instead, I will say Happy Sunday. May you spend this day with those you love, doing something that you love.


**I will have a post about my day today later this week.

Help me remember!

OK internets, I'm searching for a children's album that I used to listen to as a child. It was called "Dandelions Never Roar" I believe. One of the songs started out, "Dandelions never roar, not even just for fun...". I've googled it, but can't find anything on it. Can you help?

4 weeks

I'm finally able to post a "week" post on the actual day! Lexi is 4 weeks old today. The last 28 days have passed in a flash of diapers, formula, pumping and no sleep. But the reward is huge. I love my little girl to pieces. She's everything to me.

Lexi is starting to fill out. She now has chubby baby thighs and cheeks. Newborn clothes actually fit her! No more premeeie clothes!! And she has a few more periods of alertness during the day...I so look forward to those times. She loves her swing and bouncy seat...but HATES to sleep on her back. She will roll herself to her side to sleep. And I can always put her to sleep by lying her on her tummy on my chest.

Here are some pics of Lexi taken today...

I know these are involuntary smiles...but they still melt my heart!!

Hangin in my bouncer!

Hello internets!