I've been back to work now for just over a week...and alot of my IRL friends keep asking me how I'm doing...and my standard response is "ok". But am I really ok? When I think about it, I guess I'm really not. I miss my baby girl. Rotten was so kind to send me a framed picture of my little girl with "I Love You!" printed on it for my desk. So I get to look at her all day. But it's not enough. I want more. (Thank you Rotten for the VERY nice present).
Before I was pregnant, I always said that I wouldn't have a problem going back to work...that I needed the mental stimulation and challenges that my job provides me. And I do...but I've come to realize that I don't need that as much as I need to be with Lexi. My heart aches to be near her when I'm at the office. But I HAVE to work. I carry our health insurance, and I get paid more than DH. We can't live on his salary alone. The 12 weeks I was home was challenging in another way. I had to learn what this little bundle was communicating to me with her cries and whines. And I think I've successfully done that. 99% of the time, I can tell by Lexi's cry what it is that she needs/wants. I'm sure that will change as she gets older, but I look forward to those things. And to think that I won't have the same amount of time to devote to her really rips at my heart.
I keep thinking to myself how hard we worked to bring Lexi into this world...the physical pain of injections and swollen ovaries, all the emotions that come with a negative outcome over and over, the financial burden we undertook to be able to do IVF in the first place. We did all this to have a baby, and now we can't even be with her as much as we want to be.
I guess I'm also afraid that she'll bond more with my mom, who is really going to be her primary sitter. It's silly, I guess. But I really feel like I'm missing out on this time with her. I don't get to see her discover alot of things for the first time. And I'm not "ok" with that. I just have to figure out how I can balance work and home. With a 4 hour a day commute it won't be easy. Any suggestions??