Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Giving up or giving in?

I apologize in advance for this post...it's all over the place, but that's how I'm feeling...like I'm leaving parts of myself all over the place and there aren't many pieces left.

It's been 2 weeks since my last entry...I haven't felt much like blogging. I haven't felt like doing much at all. I normally get "blue" during this time of year, but with everything else that's been going on, I've been feeling especially down. The one thing that can always bring a smile to my face? Lexi. Even if she's screaming at the top of her lungs at 2am.

I've lost my ability to work from home. My manager sites that it was an "accommodation for me due to my personal circumstances" but that it can no longer be extended. My "circumstances" haven't changed. I still live 2 hours away. I still am trying to seek therapy. I still have a baby at home that I want to be with. But it doesn't seem to matter. Nothing seems to matter.

Hubby went to 2 therapy sessions with me. He doesn't see the point of "couples therapy" since I'm the one who is "broken". His words to our therapist...she needs to fix herself before anything can be fixed between us. Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that MY life was completely SEPARATE from yours. I didn't know that OUR life together had no impact on ME. Can't you understand that part of the reason I'm depressed is BECAUSE of you? Because of the rockiness of our relationship. Can't you see that I'm drowning here? That by asking you to come to therapy that I'm reaching out for HELP?

I put on a smile for those around me...my co-workers, my parents, my friends....when inside I'm crying...thinking why can't they see through the facade? Am I THAT good of an actress that no one can see the hurt in my eyes? No one can see that my smile doesn't reach my eyes? Or am I just telling myself that it doesn't? I don't know anymore.

I love my daughter. She is what keeps me from going completely insane. At 8 months old...that's a mighty weight for her to carry. She shouldn't have to.

9 comments:

La La said...

I am so sorry you are having such a rough time hun. I hope you can get to feeling better soon and I hope that Hubby will come around and realize that he needs to be a part of the solution.

((hugs))

Photogrl said...

I'm sorry that you're struggling so much right now. And feel that no one is seeing it...

Big, HUGE ((HUGS)) for you!

JJ said...

Just letting you know Im thinking of you and wanted to leave you some virtual hugs....

Miss K said...

Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. Take Care....

Denise said...

Thinking of you and hoping things turn around soon. ~HUGS~

Jendeis said...

Thinking of you.

LJ said...

I'm so sorry he doesn't get it, it just isn't fair to have to shoulder that burden all on your own.

Dreamer4agift said...

While I know our circumstances are not exact, I can feel the pain of an non-understanding husband...it hurts.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but know that we here in blogland love & support you & you can come here to vent or ask for any support or help we can give you.

(((hugs)))

Kimbosue said...

Why does DH have to be such an ass? HUGS to you and the sweet babe.