Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The truth

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18 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm breaking out of my lurking habits to provide you some support. I can't even begin to imagine the stress you must be feeling. It sounds like a lot of weight/worried for anyone to carry around...and needless to say.. there is nothing I can say that can make it any better. However, I'm going to throw in my 2 cents..take it or leave it..

Talk to DH! Tell him how you feel. I know this is a hard step...( I'm not the type that is very open with my emotions either)... but it is a necessary step for you to be able to reduce your stress levels. Don't attack him and say.. you're not doing this and you are not doing that... and don't make him feel guilty about not being the primary breadwinner. However, if you open up more about how you feel and the stress you are experiencing, he will at least know what is going on in your head. I see too many couples stop communicating once they have been together for a while and have busy careers and children.

Marriages aren;t easy..especially if you have a baby. However, they are even harder if you cannot talk to one another and be honest with each other. He might not even realize you are getting frustrated with him... he might now realize you dont want to make a to-do-list for him... he probably does not know that things are so stressful for you. Also, there are guys out there that just don't see what all needs to be done (e.g., he doesn;t see the urgency of washing all the bottles, or wiping down the table, or vacuuming the floor) so if making a quick to-do list would help him (and make you happier because stuff actually got done).. why not go for it?? Maybe after a while he will begin learning/anticipating what will be on the list and actually do it without having to be "asked" to do it.

Ok.. this is way longer than I anticipated. Sorry! I now return to lurking. ~ Lucy

Anonymous said...

You are NOT alone. Reading your truthful blog made me feel good to realize that my feelings are normal. My baby is 4 1/2 months and I feel the same exact way. THANK YOU for sharing!!!

Rain Child said...

Visiting for ICLW and boy, I can really identify with some of your thoughts. I am so sorry you are having a tough time in your marriage and with your job. Your frustrations are very understandable.

I have no solid advice for you. However, you may want to try marriage counseling...it can help.

I am sending you a big HUG!!

I hope your days get better.

ICLW

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry that life is sucking right now. As for help from DH, Nancy did a good post on this a couple months ago.

Unfortunately, some men can be real a**hats about cleaning house. With my husband, he just doesn't see what needs to be done, so I had to make a "What Can I Do?" chart and post it in the kitchen. Is it stupid that I had to do this? Yes. But sh*t gets done now. Sort of.

s.e. said...

I must say first that if Lexi ever does read this she will see that her mom was an amazing strong woman who was balancing so much for her happiness and really was holding it together.

You are so not alone in this. I hear all my IRL girlfriends and my own sisters voice these same frustrations ALL the time. It does not make it better and your DH's actions are certainly not o.k. but our damn society perpetuates that mothers are she-women and can handle it all while the men are lazy asses. Try talking to him. It may help.

I have always admired your willingness to keep up the your commute. I know to get from the loop to where you live is not easy. I hope it only gets better for you and soon.

seussgirl said...

First, I just want to say I'm sorry that things are so hard for you right now. On top of the work/home pull, it's hard to be struggling with the man who's supposed to be your partner.
not to give the impression that my husband doesn't help, but it has helped him to have a list of things that are "his" responsibility, that he then needs minimal reminders for. Like, it's his job to empty the dishwasher, I just have to tell him it's full. Or, he always takes care of emptying the diaper champ, once he knows it's full. That helps me know I don't have to do it, I just have to toss a reminder his way. Yeah, sometimes it stinks to have to remind him, but at least I know I'm not asking him to do something he hasn't already agreed to do!

Good luck!

Rotten said...

WOW. That is a lot for anyone to take on. Your day sounds like that of a single mom's day and hey, you're not single. I can totally understand why sex is not an option. Why would you want to have sex with someone you are resentful towards? There's nothing attractive about that at all not to mention, where would you find the energy to have sex after a day like yours? I wish I had an answer for you. I think talking is a good idea if he will listen. Maybe he thinks that since you are doing such a good job at everything that he doesn't need to step in. Crazy thought, I know, but it's possible.
Hang in there.

WannabeMommy said...

Ugh, I think so many men are like this to an extent. Housework and chores can be so foreign to them; I say spell out exactly what he has to do. The pain of having to do that would probably impact you less than the constant pain of dealing with his laziness. Hmm... this could be a dumb idea, but what about creating a "chore calendar", kinda like they sometimes do on Supernanny.

I really feel for you. Sometimes women like me (who don't have a baby) would say to quit you're complaining, that you're so lucky to have a child. But obviously both sides deal with their challenges and the grass isn't always greener. Anyway, happy ICLW!

Denise said...

I'm echoing what others have said before me, but (1) you are not alone and (2) sit down and have a real talk with DH. Do it while Lexi is asleep or get a babysitter and go out to dinner or somewhere where you can truly focus on each other. Marriage is hard and raising a child is 10 times harder. You both need alone time (with each other and without) and you both need to contribute to the every day chores. Your DH needs to know this. Maybe if he knew how incredibly stressed you are and how this is affecting you, he would step it up a bit. And maybe you've already done that, I don't know. But it sounds like you really need to talk.

I don't think you should hold back in writing about this on your blog. Life isn't sugar-coated sweetness all of the time and Lexi will learn that tough lesson someday. What's important is how you handle the tough times. Hang in there and keep us posted!

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}}, I am so sorry life is so very stressful right now. Is there anyone the two of you could talk to together? It might help if he hears someone else say he needs to shoulder his fair share of things.

I hope you can find a balance that lets you feel more appreciated and lets you relax a little bit.

~ICLW

JJ said...

Oh sweetie...Im sorry to read this..but as others have said-you are not alone! The men in our life, God love 'em--can be a real pain in the rear. Mook and I have had some definite challenges communicating since Oman got here-I have had to flat out tell him to HELP ME. Sometimes we women do things SO well (sometimes, hell--ALL the time) that men take us for granted.
I really am glad you shared with us--its good to be honest about how life isnt all rosy all the time.
Hope you all can talk soon--please keep us posted!

Photogrl said...

Wow. You have an awful lot on your plate.

((HUGS))

Like many have said before me, you need to talk to DH again. Maybe make the "to-do" list. That's what I do. Is is a pain? Absolutely. But things do get done, as long as I make the list.

Thinking of you...

KimboSue said...

You have got to have a heart-to-heart with him. You guys did not go through everything you did to MAKE Lexi, just for him to not do his share after she was born. Like my husband says, relationships are 100%-100%, not 50-50. You both have to give it your all, in order to make it work.

Life isn't always sunshine and rainbows and if this blog is your way to vent, there is no need to cover up your true feelings. We are here for you girl!

Kami said...

I am so sorry for all of this going on at once.

FWIW, it is HARD to figure out how to keep getting along with a baby. I thought my husband and I would be spared. DH has higher standards than me in terms of a clean house, we had been through 6 years of IF and a dead baby - we would be different.

But we weren't. My husband kept saying, "Tell me what to do." and I kept wanting him to just know. I think it gets easier with the child's age, but we are still not as close as we were.

I suggest, if I may be so bold, a weekly date night to help reconnect as a couple, telling DH how you feel and telling him specifically how he can help. Like most couples, you have different standards when the baby needs extra attention. If DH is currently "in charge" let me set his own standards. I guarantee it will drive you crazy, but I think it is good in the long run for all involved. I did that and perhaps that is why LB is now much more behaved with DH than with me. She expects me to make everything better - with DH whatever is going on is just fine.

As for work . . . that is tough too. Could you convince your boss to let you work from home just one day / month or / week? Maybe he could see it works. OR! What about calling in sick- really sick and then say, "I am still not well enough to go to work - I need to be close to the bathroom - but I could work from home.

Just some thoughts. I hope you find some solutions soon. I am sure you feel like you are constantly on the edge with no end in sight.

J said...

First let me say that you are not alone. I am in the same boat, but with twins. DH does just about nothing. My kids are over a year now. At the beginning, he did nothing. He complained about the house not being clean, he complained about how disorganized the kitchen was (with 90 bottles taking up space), he didnt get up at night, he rarely helped during the day - this was all exasterbated (sp?) by having post partum depression. I was forced to see a psychologist by my insurance that covered my maternity leave... it helped, and so did the meds. My therapist made me see that the fantasy that I had of being the perfect family, with dh wanting to be involved and bonding to the kids probably wouldnt happen. Some guys dont like babies and dont start interacting until they kids are toddlers, unfortunately. Some guys, mine included, need to be told. Interesting, because dh was already a dad in his "previous life" and has teenage daughters. He's all about them. Not so much about our twins. I've learned that I have to say what I want. He huffed and puffed and mumbled under his breath for a long time. It all came to a head when I literally couldnt take it anymore and told him to start being a father and quit being so self centered. Maybe not the best way. he's involved more now, not as much as I want or had hoped for, but he does spend a little time with them. Your dh needs to be told what to do. That's the way it is. And you need to say I need me time, you're watching the baby for a few hours. You'll miss her, but it will be good for them. Maybe just during time that he doesnt really have to do much with her except watch her. I think you need to tell him that you're concerned they arent bonded and that when she gets bigger, he's going to miss all this baby stuff... you may not have another chance. He'll never be able to make that up.

Jacksmom said...

I am visiting from ICLW, and boy can I identify. DH and I went through the same thing, and I honestly think part of it has to do with a child in the mix, it just turns the relationship you've known and had on it's head. We fought, a lot. And I was so depressed because I thought we were heading for a divorce. We started counseling and it helped a lot. Our communication had really been lacking, and while it's not perfect now, it's better. That said, sex still isn't high on my agenda either, and DH has learned to deal with that. When we are both in the same place with that, then it happens, otherwise, it just doesn't.

I know it's hard with your schedule and what not to fit counseling in, but maybe you could talk to him about doing it every couple of weeks at least in the beginning and then space it out a bit? I'm really sorry I don't have any other suggestions. DH and I work nights and my mom has our DS at that time, and we're both in different directions during the day. It will get a little bit easier when your DD is older, just in that she can entertain herself more, or will want to "help" you do things, and that is nice to be able to breathe a little bit. Hang in there!!

FET Accompli said...

I am sorry things are rough right now - sending you hugs. You are not alone!

Circus Princess said...

That's what blogs are for I think. Venting everything, the good, bad and the ugly. And I'm sure not all days are bad right? I hope it gets better. Talk to the Mister, maybe try to move closer to your job (to a cheaper house) or take a day off and pamper yourself away from your everyday life.

Best of luck and happy ICLW!