This is my 300th post. 300. Wow. It took me just over 2 years to get to 300 since I don't post everyday. But still an achievement nonetheless.
I'm hoping that one day FAR into the future, Lexi can read these posts. Maybe it will give her a little insight into who her mom is when I'm not telling her to be home at x time, or no, she can't have the car. Maybe these words that I type will allow her to see that, while mom may not let her get away with murder, I love her. And have loved her since before she was ever conceived.
I'm not the best communicator person to person. I love yous weren't prevalent in my family growing up. I knew my parent's loved me, but the words were never spoken. Feelings weren't talked about. I want that openness with Lexi. I want to tell her how much I love her. I want her to be able to tell me how she's feeling, even if it means she doesn't like me at the moment. I want her to be able to come to me without fear of reproach. I grew up afraid of my mother. And while that fear kept me from doing anything "wild", it also meant that I didn't tell her things because I was afraid of her reaction. I was afraid she wouldn't be proud of me...that I would disappoint her. I'm really hoping to instill in Lexi that I'm proud of her no matter what...that she could never do something that would make me love her less. How does one do that? I'm hoping that by telling her how much I love her, and how proud I am of her, and how I react to things will bring about a confidence in her that will enable her to see that. And I'm hoping that these posts will help.
When I started this blog, Lexi was just a glimmer in my eye. A dream. But I still had plans to one day print every post and make a book for her. I still do. I'm just not sure when an appropriate time would be. Her life is just starting...there will be many, many posts to come about things she's doing, accomplishments she's made...as well as frustrations I'm having. While the first 300 posts are done...I look forward to 300 more.