The Wonder of Disney

After having slept yesterday until 10am, and napping for 2 hours in the afternoon...the fever was pretty much gone.  She still had a cough...but we made the decision to take Lexi to Disney On Ice's Dare to Dream last night.  We had been talking to her about it for days, and she was so excited about it, we couldn't bear to break her heart.  And it was a good decision.  We packed her up, grabbing her princess dress and crown at the last minute, and drove the hour into the city.  Once we got there and got inside, I pulled out her dress and crown and put it on her.  OMG I'm so glad I did.  Everywhere you looked, little girls were dressed as Rapunzel, Cinderella, Snow White, Tiana etc.  I would have had an upset little girl had I not thought to grab her stuff...and I almost didn't.  Didn't want to carry any "extras", but figured it fit in my bag, so I might as well.

Let me tell you...the show itself was great.  We were 13 rows back from the ice, so we had an unobstructed view.  Well, DH and I did.  We did buy Lexi her own seat, but a tall adult sat in front of her, so she ended up sitting on one of our laps for the whole show, and using her seat for coats.  I don't know if anyone has ever gone to a show before, but Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Pluto start things off...and when she saw Mickey skate out on the ice, her little face crumpled and tears came to her eyes.  I thought she was scared, and I asked her if she was scared or sad...she said "No mommy, I very very happy".  Well, that just brought tears to MY eyes.

She watched the whole show.  And I watched her watch.   She was mesmerized.  I don't think she closed her mouth the whole time.  She ended up sleeping in her Cinderella dress last night, and woke up this morning in a very good mood...and feeling much better than she has in days.  

Here are some photos:




Mickey, Minnie and Pluto at the start of the show




Tiana and her Frog Prince Nuveen




Cinderella



During intermission...yes, we bought a Cinderella doll.



Flynn Rider and Rapunzel and a lucky guest release a lantern




Belle and "the Beast"




This was at the start of the show.



You can't see, but her mouth is open.  She was like this the whole time.

Sick

Lexi is sick.  Has been since Sunday.  Fever, cough...the poor child is just miserable.  We went to the pedi yesterday...her lungs are clear, no ear infection.  Just a really bad cold.  Tylen0l for the fever, clear fluids.  We have tickets tonight for Disney on Ice.  She has been looking forward to going.  The pedi said he doesn't see why she can't go.  So we'll see.  Right now, she's resting with Daddy...having slept until 10am this morning.  (She was up twice last night...once at 12:45 and again at 6am).

What's next?

I have no clue.  We knew this was going to be our last insurance covered cycle.  We knew that.  But the possiblity that we wouldn't have ANY embryos to transfer never entered my mind.  Sure, we've had crappy fertilization in the past...but I never thought I'd be faced with another cycle with no embryos (our very 1st cycle back in 2007 resulted in the same). 

So now I'm faced with feeling like I'm not ready to give up...with the very real notion that I may have to.   The RE seems to think the problem lies with DH's sperm.  They ICSI'd the 10 mature eggs that they got.  My eggs seemed to be "up to par"...but still, the same result.  Dr C mentioned donor sperm and IUI.  He thinks it could work for us...since, again, he thinks the problem is DH's swimmers.  But DH isn't 100% open to that idea.  And I'm not there yet either. 

How do you tell one child that they aren't biologically their father's when the other is?  How does that affect the child?  How would that affect Lexi?  Would it?  Would DH later disown that child in the event our marriage ended?  Could he legally?  Those are the questions swimming in my head. 

The wound is so raw right now...

Meds

So as a result of this cycle being a bust I have meds available.  I'd like to recoop some of my money, but not looking to turn a profit.  Let me know if anyone is interested in the below:

900iu Follistim cartridge
300iu Follistim cartridge
4 boxes of Endometrin
2 boxes of Vivelle patches

I also have countless needles and syringes. 

Heartbroken

My clinic just called.  Of my 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature for ICSI...but none fertilized.  We have zero embryos.  None.  Zilch.  Zero. 

I'm heartbroken right now.  We have no more insurance coverage.  We can't afford another cycle.  We're done.  This was my worst nightmare.  Literally, I was up last night worrying about how things were going.  I guess my subconcious knew.

I have no idea how to deal with this right now. 

ER

13 eggs retrieved.  Not bad...but F.U.C.K!  That is the least amount of eggs I've gotten in 4 cycles.  I know I'm older and all...but was really hoping for more.  Fert report tomorrow.

Trigger

I triggered last night at 9:30.  I've never used Ovidrel before...so it was strange to me to inject a trigger sub-q instead of IM.  But I guess it was a good thing though...for we decided to head to our poker league and I had to trigger in the middle of the tournament.  Sub-q's go much faster than an IM. 

One thing to note...this cycle...OMG are my nips SORE.  My Tshirt rubbing against them feels like sandpaper. 

Monitoring Appt #5

Thank the Lord...I'm triggering tonight.  At my appointment this morning the U/S tech thought I might go another day.  My largest follie from yesterday vanished so she thought they'd stim me another day...BUT when I called the Lab Line just now...I'm triggering tonight at 9:30pm!!

Right - 19.5, 18, 16, 16, 13, 11
Left - 17, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 13.5, 13.5, 12.5, 10

Though she was having a hard time with my right side.  Seems my uterus shifted and was making it hard to see.  So I may have one or two more in there.

Lining is 10.1mm
E2 is 3024

My E2 level scares me still.  I know anything over 2500 runs the risk of OHSS...but at least it's not as high as the 4200 it was last time. 

ER will be Thursday, January 26th at 9:30 am. 

If you remember, can you say a little prayer for us on Thursday?  They would be much appreciated.

Monitoring Appt #4

Today is day 11 on stims.  The longest I've gone is 12 days.  The end is near...I hope.

Right - 21, 18, 17, 14.5, 12.5, 11, 11
Left - 17, 15.5, 15.5, 15, 14, 12, 11.5, 11.5, 10.5

E2 is 2435
Lining 10mm

I only have 2 days worth of Menopur left.  One for tonight and one for tomorrow.  I hope that's enough.

Monitoring Appt #3

So I don't have much in the way of numbers today.  Only that my E2 was 1971.  Because it is the weekend, the doctor actually calls you and he doesn't relay the follie size.  I'm to go back tomorrow (another 90 mile drive!!) for another scan.  Today I've been on stims 10 days.

Monitoring Appt #2

Nothing interesting...just for my own records...

Right ovary - 15, 13, 12, 10.5...and more smaller ones
Left ovary - 15, 12, 12, 11, 10.5, 10...and more smaller ones

Lining - 9.5
E2 - 931

Back on Sunday for another wanding and bloodwork

I'm starting to feel a tad bit uncomfortable.  Leftie sits right under my uterus...so I feel the "expansion" as follies grow.  It also makes the wanding a wee bit painful as well.  The lengths we go...

Monitoring Update

For my records...

monitoring yesterday...

largest follie 12mm.  all on left side are less than 10mm.  This is after 5 full days on stims.
Lining 7.5
E2 - 340

To freeze or not to freeze

My clinic just called to talk to me about possibly freezing any remaining embryos we might have after ET.  I had to laugh.  We've done 3 IVF cycles...and have had 3 viable embryos make it to transfer.  We've never had anything to freeze. 

But the thought is there.  What happens if, with this new clinic, we miraculously end up with 6 or 7 embryos?  Obviously, the RE isn't going to transfer all of them back to me.  I brought it up with DH...he's not for freezing any.  He said we can't afford 3 or 4 kids, that I'm already 35 (too old) and that we can't afford the cost to freeze them ($1200, which I agree, we can't)...I told him that I can't wrap my mind around "throwing away" 3 babies.  Because in my head, that's what we'd be doing.  He told me that I was being unreasonable and overly emotional about the decision. 

How can I NOT be emotional about it?  We're talking potential babies here...not just eggs or sperm...but actual embryos. 

I don't know why I even bothered bringing it up to him.  It's not like we ever get "extras" anyway. 

But, I want to know...has anyone ever made the decision to NOT freeze extra embryos?  What were your reasons?  How did you feel about the decision?  Any regrets?

Day 5

Today is day 5 of stims.  I'm slowly starting to feel the bloating in my ovaries.  I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm also going to be transporting DH's frozen sperm from our old clinic to the new one in prep for our ER next week. 

NEXT WEEK!!!???

Holy shit...I'm so not mentally prepared for this cycle.  I've been so busy with other things that I haven't really been thinking about this cycle. 

Clear

I'm clear to start stims on Friday.

225u of Follistim in the mornings
75u of Menopur in the evenings
reduce Lupron to 5u

My lining was 2.4 and my E2 less than 15. 

Here we go.

Baseline

I had my baseline b/w & US this morning.  I'll find out after 2:30 if I'm clear to start stims on Friday!!

It was interesting sitting in the waiting room and seeing all the women come in.  At my old, much larger, clinic...we weren't on any "schedule" per se.  Meaning the ER's and ET's were not scheduled for a particular week during the month, and monitoring was able to be done at the satellite offices, so there weren't many people in the waiting room.  This clinic is much smaller, operates on a "schedule", and only does monitoring at one location.  So there were about 10 women in the waiting room with me. 

I was surprised at how easily I was able to guess which ones appeared to be "first timers" and which ones were "vets".  The first timers sat in the waiting room, either giddy with excitement or sick with nervousness.  They couldn't focus enough to read a book or magazine.  Their partners were by their sides, equally giddy or nervous.  There were about 4 of those women in the waiting room this morning. 

The vets on the other hand, were there alone...seemingly aloof...oblivious to anything going on around them...consumed by their book/ipod/magazine.  But you could see it in their faces.  The worry.  The apprehension.  Their wish to be the giddy, nervous one.  The first timer.  I sat included.  Wishing I didn't know that out of the 10 of us...maybe 5 would get a BFP...and of those 5...maybe 3 would get take home babies.  I wish I didn't know all the things that DO go wrong. 

I'm more nervous for this cycle that I was a week ago.  Some of that has to do with things that have been going on here at home...but most of it is because I'm afraid of a BFN.  But yet, I'm afraid of a BFP too.  Because a BFP doesn't mean a take home baby.  And I'm not sure my heart can take much more.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!  2012...man...where has the time gone. 

Last Friday we received awesome news in the mail...DH was approved for his unemployment benefits!  We're so happy that we will have some additional income coming in other than mine.  We were really stressing out on how we were going to pay all the bills in January.  Now, we should be able to. 

NYE was spent with my best friend and her husband at our house.  We celebrated with Lexi around 9pm and she got to pop some of those popper things that have the streamers in them.  She was asleep by 9:30.  It was low key and just what I liked.

Saturday was also my last bcp.  So I'm expecting AF to come any day.  The Lupron isn't so bad.  I haven't had any headaches or hot flashes yet.  But I'm only a week in so it can still come.  My baseline is the 11th.

Now onto another dilemma.   There is one salesperson that I support that all through the year he'd joke whenever I got him out of a jam that he'd make sure I was taken care of at Christmas.  Today, I received a check in the mail...drawn of his personal account...for $250.00.  I'm speechless.  I was in tears...I don't know if I can accept this.  When I talked to him he said that I better accept it and if I don't cash the check he'll just keep sending me a new one, or will send me cash via Fed Ex.  He said that the only reason he made his sales goal this year and was successful was because of the help and assistance I provided him.  I tried to tell him that that's what I was hired for, that he doesn't need to give me any extras...but he's not taking no for an answer.  I have a call into my boss...I don't want to get in trouble for accepting his gift...but this extra money would go along ways now that DH isn't working.  He calls it revenue share, since he got paid commission on deals that I worked on.  Would it be wrong to accept this from him? 

Catching Up

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas.  I know we did.  We took Lexi ice skating on the 23rd in the city.  She had a blast...and has been asking to go back since.  She was actually able to skate a few feet all on her own before falling down.  Which is more than I can do!  I was on the ice in my sneakers!  LOL!

Christmas Eve was spent at the in laws as usual and Christmas Day we hosted here.  Santa...aka Daddy...came to visit Lexi and presented her with 2 very special presents.  One was the roller skates she had been asking for since Halloween.  She was so happy to get them she had to try them out right away.  The other very special present was her big girl bed.  Daddy had worked on it for a few weeks getting it painted, roughed up and decorated to look like an old rustic bed.  Her name is painted on the foot board and there is a lasso on it as well.  It's her "Jessie" bed.  She seemed to like it, but when naptime and bedtime came around that day she started out in the bed but ended up in the crib.  Monday she slept in the bed for nap and bedtime...and yesterday, while she was at school, we removed the crib from her room.  She slept in her bed last night with no complaints.  I hope she continues to do well in it.

I started Lupron on the 27th in prep for this cycle.  My parents are lending us the $1100 to cover the Cobra premium for January.  DH went today to take the post office exam...hoping something comes of it.  His old employer is contesting the unemployment and he had his "interview" with the local office yesterday...we should know if he'll get any benefits within a week or so.  The good thing is, if approved it is retroactive back to the 14th of December...so that first check will be nice. 

I'm still afraid of what's going to happen.  I still feel like it's not responsible to try to bring another baby into this world when we don't know how we're going to pay our mortgage...but I know we may never have another chance at this...and I know our financial situation is only temporary.  So I'm going into this cycle with the mentality that if it's meant to be, it will be. 

Whirlwind of emotions

OMG this week has just been a whirlwind.  If you recall, our IVF cycle was cancelled back in November because my TSH levels were crazy high...and I went on Dec 1st for repeat bloodwork.  TSH came back at 2.3, not below the 2 the RE wanted.  HOWEVER, the nurse had told me to get a letter from my Endo stating I was under her care and that she was comfortable with us proceeding and the nurse would see if the RE would sign off on a January cycle. 

I found out on Monday that he DID sign off on it.  So we were a go for an IVF in January...our insurance would lapse on 2/29/12 and we'd be done well before then.  Things were looking up. 

Then, yesterday DH lost his job.  His job that carried the insurance for the IVF.  So on top of the financial strain of losing his income, we were faced with not being able to do the IVF again because the insurance will now lapse at the end of this month. 

Then I think...HELLO!  COBRA!  Yes, the premiums would be astronomical, but it's still less expensive than paying for a cycle out of pocket.  And we'd only need it for January...to cover the ER and ET.  Everything else I can send through our other insurance carrier. 

But then I started thinking last night...maybe this was God's way of telling us we aren't supposed to cycle...I mean, it was cancelled...then he loses his job.  And what responsible people try to bring another child into the world when their own financial future is uncertain?  But then I think that we may not have another chance at this.  Even if he got another job tomorrow...there is no guarantee they will offer IVF coverage.  MY job doesn't.  That's why we took the 2nd policy through his job.  I want to move forward.  I really, really do.  My heart is saying YES YES YES...but the logical part of my mind is saying...THINK THIS THROUGH!

What would you do?

Oh...and my schedule for the IVF is:

Begin Lupron 12/27/11
Last active bcp 12/31/11
Baseline U/S 1/11/12
Start Stims 1/13/12
ER & ET week of 1/23/12

A different place

http://hurtingontheinside.wordpress.com

Email me for password.

I will still be here...just not right now.

January

A January IVF cycle is a no go I believe.  I just got my TSH levels back from my bloodtest last week.  2.310.  I huge decrease from 5.3...but still not below the 2 that the RE wants.  So now I wait...

Black Friday

I was never a Black Friday shopper.  Mostly because, when I was old enough to have money of my own, I was usually working.  From the time I started working, the Friday after Thanksgiving was never one I was able to take off.  Which meant I had to get up at the butt crack of dawn to commute into the city for work.  I used to drive past all the stores with people lined up outside (back when stores opened at 6am on Black Friday) waiting to get in and a little part of me was jealous that they got to get all the great deals and I had to work. 

Fast forward to last year.  My mom and I decided to brave T0ys R Us for their midnight opening.  She waited in the warm car while I froze my butt off in line.  We got some great deals on things.  But that was it.  We were home by 1am. 

This year we decided to try Wally Mart for the 10pm sale.  We had two things on our list...the memory foam bath mats (don't laugh, they are awesome!) and a twin size bedding set for Lexi's big girl bed she's getting.  Toy Story was requested by the princess herself. 

OH. MY. GOD.  NEVER. AGAIN.  We should have known how crazy it was going to be based on the fact that the parking lot was completely full at 9:30 when we got there.  We lucked out and found someone leaving and got their space, but people were parking in the nearby Bank parking lot.  In the drive thru teller line.  In the ATM line! 

Anyway, we went in and quickly found the bath mats...but it wasn't 10pm yet so we had to stand in line...yes...there was a LINE for bath mats.  While my mom stood in line, I sought out a manager (yes, there was a manager to be found) and asked where the kids bedding sets might be located...since everything was all over.  (I kid you not, they had moved ALL the baby clothes into the grocery section and filled that area with pallets of DVDs).  He told me that they hadn't been able to find the bedding and he didn't think it was out.  So I went back in line with my mom...only to hear a HUGE commotion from where I came from.  Some people had started ripping into the shrink wrap that held the 10pm sale merchandise.  And this particular merchandise was SHEETS!  SHEETS!   Not TV's...NOT Laptops...SHEETS!  The manager called security and fights broke out.  It wasn't 10pm yet, but once people saw them ripping into the shrink wrap it was every man for himself.  People just started ripping into things and grabbing whatever they could.  I don't even think people were looking at what they were grabbing. 

My mom and I did come away with 5 bathmats...3 for her and 2 for me...unscathed.  BUT get this.  I asked the manager, who was back picking up dropped/thrown/discarded merchandise from the floor, where, if they had the bedding sets, would they have put them.  He directed me to the kids section.  My mom and I decided we'd take a walk back there to see...after pushing our way through the electronics department (OMG really people...some of those movie titles are 20 years old.  $5 isn't a sale...you can get those for $5 on a regular day) we came to a clearing in the store.  And I found the pallet of bedding.  No Toy Story, one princess and a few Mickey M0use were all that were left.  But, what is that I see out of the corner of my eye?  There...kicked under a display of socks 20 feet away.  Is that Woody's face I see?  Why it is!!  I managed to come away with the LAST Toy Story bedding set. 

Yes, I braved the Black Friday crowds for 2 bath mats and a Toy Story bedding set.  But to see the sparkle in my girl's eyes when she sees it on her custom made Jessie bed (custom made by Daddy)...will make it all worth it.  Will I brave Black Friday again?  Maybe.  I'll never be the "plan it all out hit a zillion stores, stay up all night" type of Black Friday shopper.  But I can fight the crowd for the one item my girl really wants...and if I lose and don't get it, I can say I tried...but if I win...well, seeing her face light up will be gift enough for me.

Are you a Black Friday shopper?  If so, how "all out" do you go?

What I'm thankful for

This season I've decided to try to put things in perspective for myself and write down all the things I'm thankful for instead of dwelling on things I don't have.

So this year, I'm thankful for:

My health.  I've had a few scares this year and I'm thankful that I am healthy.

My daughter.  After 2 1/2 years, I still look at her with awe and so much love.  She means the world to me.

My husband.  We've had lots of ups and downs this year and despite all my flaws, some that were "secret" until recently, he still loves me.  And for that, I'm VERY grateful. 

My home.  I have a roof over our heads.  Nuf said

My job.  In this economy, I am thankful for everyday I have this job.  I know what a blessing it was to change jobs willingly in such a poor economy.  This job gives me the freedom to have a life outside of my career.

My family.  They have proven over and over that they are fully invested in our lives and in our daughter's life. 

My mom.  I have to single her out.  She gives up 3 nights and 3 days of her time to stay at my house to watch Lexi.  And she does it with no complaints of being away from my dad and things she needs to get done at her house.  She has saved us SO much in the form of daycare costs...and when I was working in an office, would have dinner made when we got home.  So thankful for her.

My best friend.  OMG what to say about her.  She's been my rock...offering a shoulder to cry on...good times...and fond memories.  I've known her for 20 years and I can see us being friends well into our senior years.  She is so active with Lexi and loves her tremendously.  She is my sister, in every way.  I love her dearly.

My friends.  Both IRL and afar.  The support I get from my friends has gotten me through some of my darkest moments.  Whether on FB, on this blog, via email or G00gle talk, or in person...I know I can connect with them and they will understand.  I wish some of you lived closer!  But I'm thankful for each of you.

I know there are probably more things that I could list...but these are the top ones.  I hope to look back on this post when I'm feeling down in the dumps and remember all the good things I have in my life. 

1 year

Today marks the one year mark since my miscarriage.  Actually, it's the anniversary of my D&C...but since I had over a month of ups and downs, this is the day that stands out in my heart.  The day it truly ended.  I still think about that baby...and what might have been.  But my heart isn't as heavy as it once was. 

I am ever thankful for the little girl I do have.  The one who has become quite opinionated and spunky.  Who tells me everyday, I love you mommy.  Having her to hug and hold made my loss slightly easier.  She won't ever remember that she had a sibling, if ever so briefly.  All I can do is remember for her...

ALL CLEAR!

I had my follow up mammogram today and ultrasound.  After 2 hours at the hospital I finally got the all clear.  I have very dense breasts and the "area of concern" was in fact the mole I have.  I can not begin to tell you the relief that flooded through me when I got the results.  I'm very happy today.

Day 6: From a low angle

I know it's not a low angle...but I love this photo. 

Day 5: From a high angle

Taken at the pumpkin farm this year.

Day 4: Something Green.

Somthing we are using ALOT of around here lately to offset the other "green" things coming out of little noses.  I'll spare you a picture of THAT.

Day 3: Clouds

NaBloPoMo - Day 1 & 2 Self Portrait and What I wore today

So I thought I'd try to do this NaBloPoMo thing.  I've never actually posted 30 days in a row...so I fugured why not.  But I'm doing a 30 day photo challenge in conjunction with Suzy  and Kim.  And frankly, I won't be able to think of 30 days worth of posts, so this is my way of participating!

And of course...I'm a day late.  But oh well.

Here is the list...taken from Kim's blog...she gives appropriate credit to the originator.

And yes, I'm cheating and using the same photo for Days 1 and 2.  Forgive the mess in the background...and the ponytail.  I work from home and don't get "gussied" up.

November 7th

Received my orders from my PCP for some additional views of my left breast as well as an ultrasound...but in talking to my mom, she reminded me of something that I didn't even think of.  I have a mole on the underside of my left breast...and I didn't mention it to the tech who did my mammogram.  I didn't even think to mention it.  She said that most likely, the density that was seen is the mole.  I can hope. 

I go November 7th for the additional tests...and I will be sure to mention my mole at that point.

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Lexi is sick...like hacking cough sick.  No fever though.  She is definitely congested.  She woke up last night and only wanted her mommy and her medicine.  I found some cough syrup that is safe for 2 year olds...I don't have the bottle in front of me so I can't recall the name...so she got 1tsp of that and back to bed she went.  Slept until after 8 this morning.

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Lexi is going to be a pirate for Halloween...what are your little ones dressing as?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I can't take much more stress in my life right now.  And that's all I seem to have at the moment.  If I thought I was stressed before...when the only thing I stressed about was money...then I don't even have words to describe the pressure I feel right now. 

IVF postponement...ok...sucks, but I can deal.  Just means extra time and maybe another year paying for the HMO. 

Hasimoto's...yep...that sucks too.  But it's treatable with medication.  I went for my ultrasound of my thyroid this morning and I picked up my Levothyroxin last night.  Popped my first pill this morning.  Being on meds, for possibly the rest of my life, kinda sucks...but I can deal.

This "other thing"...that I can't deal with.  I know it could very well be nothing.  A bad angle...a cyst...a fibroid...it could be any of those things...but the thought that it might be something more than that still creeps into my head.  And that thought KILLS me.  I'm 35.  I don't want to deal with anything remotely related to cancer.  I look at my little girl and think...will I see her grow up?  Will I see her graduate from high school?  Get married?  Have a baby?  I know those things aren't guaranteed to begin with...but having this looming over me makes those things ever so important.  Makes every hug and every I Love You even more precious to me. 

The rational side of me says that if it were really bad...my doctor wouldn't have "just mailed" the order for the tests...that he would have demanded I get in ASAP.  He's like that.  My brain says that everything will be fine...that I'm over reacting.  But my heart...well, that's a whole other ball of wax.

My heart is hurting right now.  For the IVF that got put off...for the upcoming one year anniversary of losing the last pregnancy...for the Hashimoto's diagnosis...for reaching age 35...for an abnormal mammogram.

It's just too much all at once.  I don't know how to hold it all together.  What's next?

Really?

I posted about how I went for a mammogram last Thursday...I was just shy of my 35th birthday.  Got a letter in the mail today from the hospital that I need to contact my physician's office because I need further imaging.  Upon calling my PCP's office they had already written up an order for more testing...apparently I have a small density in my left breast that needs further evaluation.  I need to make another appointment with the imaging center.

I'm hoping it's nothing.  Or just a cyst.  If you're the praying type...please send one up for me? 

Hashimoto's

I saw my endocrinologist today.  It's not official but I most likely have Hashimoto's.  And it's most likely the cause of my miscarriage last year.  My TSH level was 5.6.  Normal is around 1.5 - 1.8.   I'm to start on a high dose of Levothyroxin immediately.  Repeat bloodwork in 4 weeks...next appointment December 1st.  I also have to have an ultrasound of my thyroid done.

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I don't know what to think right now.  The fact that I may not have miscarried last fall had I been taking thyroid meds is a little overwhelming right now.  Something so "simple" to treat.  And I didn't.  I remember telling my RE at the time that I wasn't taking any thyroid meds...and I thought they found me to be "within normal" ranges...but I found out today that your TSH level can be within "normal" ranges and there still be an issue...because apparently your pituitary gland helps compensate for when your thyroid is lacking.  Brings the grief to the forefront again.

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Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. 

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IVF#4 postponement and Boobies

I felt like crap all day yesterday.  Constant headache and overall yucky feeling.  The news from the RE's office didn't help.  I'm so frustrated.  Pushing back this cycle meaning potentially having to pay another year's worth of premiums on this HMO.  Don't get me wrong...I'm happy to have insurance coverage and I know how lucky I am that I do...but paying for 2 medical plans is killing us financially!  My PCP, my GYN, Lexi's pedi, and DH's MFI doc are all part of my PPO network.  They don't take the HMO.  The only reason we took the HMO was for the IVF coverage.  I can't drop my PPO.  DH's job has a wacky enrollment period so coverage runs March 1st - March 1st.  So we have until February 29th to have a cycle completed...actually we don't even have that long since his enrollment period is sometime in January.  So if I'm not on the Janaury cycle...well, that means another year of HMO premiums. 

I guess I'm just mad that the RE didn't order the bloodwork after our first meeting in September.  I told him at that point that the only difference between my cycle with Lexi and the cycle I miscarried was that I was on thyroid meds with Lexi's cycle.  I told him I wanted my TSH level tested at that time.  I just feel that if it had been tested in September that I would have had a few additional weeks to get on thyroid meds...and maybe make the December cycle.  December isn't even a chance at this point.  January is a glimmer.  I'm holding out hope for January.

I have an appointment on Friday with the endo...so hopefully she won't require MORE bloodwork and will accept the results from the test I just had. 

Oh and can I complain just a smidge about how LONG it takes to get an appointment??!!  I must have called 10 places...each telling me that they are scheduling out to December and January!!  Luckily, this Endo dedicates Fridays to seeing new patients and catching up on paperwork.  So she doesn't see returning patients and I was able to get in this week!!  Sheesh!


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I had my first mammogram this morning.  My birthday is Saturday and I turn 35.  Not old...but a recent announcement by a famous TV host made me really think.  She's only 36.  A year older than I.  She's done IVF.  I've done 3.  I know there are no proven studies that show people who do IVF are more prone to cancer, but I can't help but think that all these hormones I pump into my body can't be all that great for me.  The lengths we go to...

Anyway, off topic.  Mammograms are not very comfortable.  In fact, mine downright was painful.  Being squished like a pancake was not fun.  I know it's all in the name of prevention and early detection...but you'd think with all the advances in technology, they'd come up with a better way to do these.  Anyway, I should have my results in a week.

Postponed

I'm supposed to be starting Lupron today...instead I got a call from my RE's office this morning stating that my TSH levels were really high (over 5) and that they won't cycle me until it's below a 2.  While I understand why they are postponing me...it doesn't make the news any easier to swallow. 

Plus, I'm nauseous today.  Hugging the porcelin god is not how I wanted to start the day. 

I'm feeling to yucky to really write anymore...

If I knew then...

I received my box o' drugs from the UPS man this morning.  If I knew then what I know now, we would have used my husband's HMO insurance back then.  As much as it's a pain to get referrals and approvals and such...I only paid $103 for all my meds.  Yep.  $50 co pay for the Lupron.  $50 co pay for the Endometrin and a $3 co pay for the antibiotic.  Nada for the F0llistim or men0pur.  Those were 100% covered by the insurance.  So any readers out there in mandated states...use the HMO's to your advantage!! 

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I had my saline ultrasound done yesterday.  Holy cramping!  It wasn't fun.  But everything checked out.  So I'm happy about that. 

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I'm surprisingly nervous about this cycle.  I mean, it's nothing new to us...we've done it before.  But I think that it being the last opportunity and having a brand new RE are making me a little anxious.  I start Lupron on Tuesday...I can't believe this is here already!

IVF #4 schedule

Got my schedule for this cycle.  I've never done IVF at a clinic that does "batches" so this is new to me.  I'm already on bcp and prenatals...

Lupron starts October 18th
Baseline appointment - November 2nd (lets hope that any cysts I may have shrink before then!)
Start stims - November 4th (if all is ok with my baseline)
Monitoring appointments - November 9th, 11th and 13th
ER - Week of November 14th (depends on how many days I stim)
ET - 3 days later.

If I follow all my previous cycles...and stim for 12 days...November 16th looks like ER.  Another Wednesday.  My past 2 ER's have been on Wednesdays.  Which means another Saturday ET.  I know where that puts me for an EDD.  But I don't want to think that far ahead.  I don't want to jinx anything. 

Now I wait for the pharmacy to call to confirm the drugs and give me the amount due.  I'm petrified it's going to be some crazy amount.  I hope it's not.

I'll be on Follistim and Menopur again.  And Ovidrel for trigger.  This RE only does PIO after ER up until ET...then he does vaginal suppositories 3x a day.  I guess it's both a good and bad thing.  No 2 inch needles every night...but must deal with the discharge from the suppository.  Just breathe...


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In other news.  Lexi had her first dentist appointment today.  We've been prepping her for a few weeks now...showing her how to open her mouth wide and pretending to count her teeth.  She was actually excited to go and readily hopped into the chair.  She did EXCELLENT.  She even let the dentist do a cleaning and floride treatment on her.  No squirmies.  I think the cleaning went so well because Lexi has a Tigger spin brush that she uses...so I told her that it would be just like using the Tigger toothbrush.  She was awesome.  As usual. 

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Holy crap...I just got a phone call from the insurance confirming my prescriptions!  The nurse just called them in about an hour ago...talk about fast service.  The pharmacy themselves has to give me the co pay amounts...and I should hear from them either later today or tomorrow.  They are shipping the drugs for delivery on FRIDAY!  OMG!!  Breathe....breathe...breathe....

And so it begins

AF arrived on Saturday...and with that I called it in to my RE.  I go on the 13th for an HSG, a pratice transfer and to return our consent forms.  Tomorrow, we have to get blood drawn for our infectious disease testing (this always makes me giggle for some reason...the wording, not the tests themselves).  BCP and prenatals are being called into my local pharmacy.  The nurse will call me later this week with actual dates, since they do ERs and ETs in batches.  IVF #4, our final attempt, has begun.

Consult for IVF#4

We had our consult with the new RE on Tuesday.  I had all my records from my previous RE, OB/GYN as well as DH's urologist.  The new RE was impressed.  I guess it pays to be organized and anal about things.  LOL!

Anyway, I liked him.  He reminds me of Mart.in Sh0rt.  But with glasses.  We talked about the 3 previous cycles we did and he said he would study all the records I brought him so that we can come up with the best plan of action.  He is going to change up my protocol a little, which I'm not thrilled about, but he said it's because of my age and he wants to get the best eggs possible. 

I'm to call when I get my period in October so they can start me on bcp.  I'll have a uterine ultrasound done on the day we go in to sign the 6 inches of legal paperwork involved with IVF.  He does his IVF's in groups...so I'm set for the November group.  Which means a late November/early December ER and ET.  Just in time for the holidays.  Great! (enter sarcasm here) 

I'm happy to get things moving.   But extremely nervous at the same time.  Knowing this is the last cycle.  Please G0d...

Sockeroo 2011

Kym over at The Smartness ran her Sock Exchange again this year and I finally decided I would participate.  The theme this year was :

It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?


I can't even begin to describe what kind of support I've received over the last 18+ months.  Everything from advice on parenting, to virtual hugs during my miscarriage, to just saying "I hear you".  There are a number of women that I have "met" via this blog who I am now friends with over on that Social Networking site.  And who I feel really know me.  Even though we've never met face to face, or talked on the phone, I feel a kinship with them.  I laugh when they laugh, and I cry when they cry.  I haven't just received support over these last 18 months...I've made lifelong friends.  Friends I hope to meet face to face one day so our children can play (or get married lol!).   I'm not sure where I would be today if I hadn't decided to start this blog 4 years ago...

And my sock love comes from Molly over at McPolish!  Thank you Molly! I've already worn my socks a few times!

Lost interest

What do you do when you've lost all interest in sex?  That is where I am right now...and it's causing a huge rift between DH and I.  It's been over 2 months since our last initimate connection.  It's not for his lack of trying though.  I just don't ever feel "in the mood".  DH and I argue on a regular basis...and it all stems from our lack of sex life.  From my inability to give him what he desires...again.  What he doesn't seem to understand is that this problem is affecting me just as much as it is him...I'm just better at hiding it...of pushing it down into the recesses of my brain so that I don't have to feel broken again.  But broken is exactly how I feel.  And I suspect that it all stems from our IF diagnosis.   But I can't be 100% sure.  I mean, I know that is about when I began to lose interest.  Before we started seeing the RE, sex became something that was done at a specific time of the month in order to acheive a goal...having a baby.  When we had to start seeing the RE, I never was able to get back to the "sex for enjoyment" mindset I had before trying for a baby.  And it's snowballed from there.  And I don't know what to do about it.

Got my insurance referral

I received my insurance referral to the new RE today.  I also went for preliminary blood work this morning and I have to pick up my PAP results that are ready at my old OB's office.  The only thing I'm waiting on are my records from the old RE's office*

*Though I'm now not sure if IVF#4 is even going to happen.  Long story that I don't feel like posting about right now.

10 years

10 years have past...though it seems like yesterday.
I will never forget.
In memory of the almost 3000 lives lost...and the thousands of service men and women who have given their lives since...so that we may continue to live free.

Again

I've made my appointment to see a new RE for our last IVF cycle.  After much debate, we decided to go with this clinic.  Well, I decided...my DH is indifferent.  Why did I choose this one over the 3 others that the ob could have referred me to?  Well, one was ruled out because of the distance I'd have to travel for monitoring etc...an hour each way.  Plus, they didn't have very many cycles for women over 35 in their success rates on the CDC's website.  Like, they performed 1 in 2009.  The rest were all younger patients.  Another clinic was ruled out because of my personal feelings for one of the RE's in that practice.  I don't like her one bit.  She was my first RE...the one who left the clinic I was at and didn't tell any of her patients.  So that ruled out clinic #2.  So, I was left with the one I chose and one other one.  I ultimately chose this one because of it's University affliliation versus being a strictly private practice.  It's my opinion (right or wrong, it's mine) that University clinic's are more cutting edge and up to speed on the latest and greatest versus the private practices.  Again, right or wrong, it's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.

So in 10 days, I will meet with my new RE and go over the last 4 years of treatment.  I've requested my medical records from my old RE (to the tune of $50...what doctor charges that much??!!) as well as my OB.  I should have them in time for the appointment. 

DH's insurance will lapse on February 29th next year...so we have to have everything done by then or else we'll have to pay for another year of his insurance coverage.  AF came on 9/2, so I'm hoping that I can start bc with my October period...and maybe, if I'm lucky, stims will start in November...which means a December ER and ET.  Not the greatest timing...but I would still have 2 months "play" in that schedule. 

As for how I'm feeling...I'm nervous.  My previous RE got me pg both times I cycled there.  I hope this new RE will be open to following the same, or a slightly modified, version of my last protocols.  I'm just afraid he will change things up so much that if it doesn't work I won't know if it's because of the change in protocol or not.  Anyway, listen to me rambling...I haven't even met him yet.

Our last chance is starting...

Sock it to me!

I received my socks in the mail today!  Kind of amazing that they arrived so quickly...but I chalk that up to the fact that my sock sister is Molly, over here.  And since Molly lives in the same state as me...hell, she lives less than 50 miles from me...it explains why a package that was mailed on Saturday arrived on my doorstep today. 

I LOVE them.  Thanks Molly!  I will think of you and all my blog sisters whenever I don them! 

And my sock sister should be getting her package this week.  I was a slacker and just mailed them today :(.

Yea yea...I know I'm early in my post...and I have the whole reflection to do...but if I don't get something going now...it will be December before I remember!

Ants

I hate bugs.  Bugs of all kinds creep me out.  So imagine how creeped out I am to know that I have ants in my house.  Simple sidewalk ants that you see in the summertime...but they.are.in.my.house.  EW!  I've managed to get rid of them on the first floor by using ant traps and some spray (under my baseboards) but they are upstairs in my office!  I have a bird...so they are after any and all seed that the bird drops on the floor.  I try to vacuum everyday...but there are still some seeds I don't get.  The ant traps aren't helping because the ants just crawl under them (I have carpet in my office).  Anyone with ideas on how to get rid of them, sans fumagating my house?  Ugh! 

Growing Up

Dear Lexi,

I've been meaning to write this post for quite awhile now...but can never seem to get my thoughts straight.  You are 28 months old...but you are wise beyond your 2 years.  I'm amazed by you everyday.  Where just a few months ago you were struggling to say any words, you now use 7 and 8 word sentences.  I'm constantly floored to hear you say things like "Don't bump my chair, I don't like it"...and wonder where this opinionated, intelligent little girl came from. 

You even seem to be able to recall that on Tuesdays, Daddy goes to play poker...and will ask him, on Tuesday, if he's going to go play.  You have so much of him in you...his love of cars has clearly been ingrained in you as you LOVE to play with cars, "drive" Daddy's car, and ask him to "go racing".  His love of soccer is also one you share.  You are a great kicker and will make a great forward someday.  But you love all sports...and will ask to watch a "bateball" game or a "ocky" game if we pass one during channel surfing. 

I can't tell you enough how proud I am to be your mommy.  I marvel at your newest abilities...am dumbfounded by your use of words I didn't know you knew...and my heart swells when I look at you. 

You will forever be my first born.  My baby.  I will love you no matter what. 

Love,

Mommy

4 years of blogging

Wow...I missed my blogoversary.  4 years ago I started this blog as a way to vent about my first failed IVF attempt.  Never in a million years did I think that I would still be typing away 4 years later.  Thank you all for reading!!

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On another note.  I'm utterly devastated today.  As you may recall, earlier this year when I switched jobs, we enrolled in my husband's group medical on top of my own.  We did this because his was an HMO and in our state, HMO's are required by law to provide IVF coverage.  Which for us meant one last try at IVF.  Before we enrolled, I did my due diligence checking with my RE's office that they did in fact take this insurance.  Today, as I'm getting ready to make appointments...I learned that they no longer accept this insurance.  So we're back where we were 4 years ago.  Looking for an RE.  I'm devastated because this is our last shot.  There are no more chances after this one...and I really wanted to stay with the RE I trusted.  I did 2 cycles with her...and got pregnant both times.  I wanted to know I was with someone who knew my history and the office staff there does.  I LOVE them. But now, now I have to find a new RE.  And I don't have much time.  We only took the insurance for a year.  I mean, we could reenroll...but this is the only thing we are using this carrier for.  Everything else goes through my insurance.

Any ladies in the western Chicago suburbs?  Tell me who you go to?  Why?  What do you like about them...what don't you? Please...be honest?

Call out for intel from my East Coast readers

I'm not sure where everyone is located...but any readers in the Virginia area? 

My little sister just got offered a teaching job at the Dahlgren Naval Base.  We're in Illinois.  Any intel on neighborhoods to "stay away from"?

Not much going on

The heat has been killer here.  It was 109.9 last Thursday night at 5:30 in the evening....in the shade....and that doesn't take the humidity into consideration.  So because of the heat, we haven't been doing much.  Lexi had a fever on Friday night (104 rectally) and was attached to my hip on Saturday.  But we had family come in from PA and that seemed to perk her up.  Last night was spent with family and friends sitting on a deck enjoying some low humidity temps.  Hope your summer is looking good!

Regression and Being Green

My "big" girl seems to have regressed a little into my baby.  First, I will fully admit that Lexi still drinks her milk from a bottle.  We've tried moving her to a cup, but she's NOT having it.  She drinks everything else from either a regular cup, or a sippy, so I know she's capable.  However, she absolutely refuses to drink her milk from a cup.  I think it has to do with her linking the bottle to "comfort".  Anywoo, I'm hoping that "school" on Mondays will assist us in breaking the bottle habit.  So we deal with about 3 bottles a day.  Mostly 2.  One in the morning when she wakes, and one right before bed at night.  Sometimes there is one in the afternoon if she's been especially henious, but most days it's just 2.  But lately, she also refuses to hold the bottle herself.  She wants mommy to "old it" while she snuggles up in my lap.  I'm not sure if I should indulge her or not.  Some days I do, and others I don't.  When I don't, we end up with a crying child...not angry cry, but "my world is ending because you don't love me enough to hold my bottle cry" that breaks my heart.  We're potty training as well.  Is this her way of trying to stay a baby while she's in the midst of such a "big girl" milestone?  Assvice?

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We live in a newer community that has an association.  In our neighborhood by-laws, we aren't allowed to have a clothes line in the back yard.  I hate that I have to dry my clothes in the dryer all the time.  My laundry room is small...just enough room for the washer/dryer and that's about it.  It's also on the first floor of my house, not in the basement.  Anyone have any suggestions for how I can use my dryer less, while still adhearing to the neighborhood "rule" (which by the way, I think really sucks ass.)

Vacation in photos

4th of July...showing her American Pride!



Swimming for the first time all by herself in grandma's pool!



She loved her cupcake!



Playing Doctor at the Zoo



First baseball game!

After the game with Daddy!

Before the game...showing her SOX pride!

Vacation

The hubs and I have been on vacation this past week.  It's been wonderful.  A short synopsis of what we've been up to (pictures will follow when I get my USB cable from upstairs...I'm too lazy right now)

Sunday - Waterpark with Auntie Bridget and Uncle Joe.  Lexi had a great time...fell asleep on the lounge chair about 3 and slept till after 4.  She looked so cute!

Monday - Holiday party at the IL's.  Lexi swam for the first time all by herself (she had swimmies on her arms!) and loved the freedom!

Tuesday - Poker night for me.  Took 3rd

Wednesday - Zoo with the grandparents.  Saw the lions get "fed".  Though it was more like a snack.

Thursday - Lexi's first baseball game...Chicago White Sox vs. Minnesota Twins.  We lost.  Lexi loved it though.  She received a certificate for her first game from guest relations!

Friday - Date night with the hubs.  Dinner at our fave Italian place, movie (Bridesmaids)...then we decided to go to the casino and play some Hold Em in their poker room.  I tripled up.  It was a great night!

Saturday - RELAX AT HOME

Today - laundry, grocery shopping, swimming at the IL's later, getting Lexi's stuff ready for school*

*We lost our childcare on Monday's...my MIL got a job (good for her, bad for me)...so we had to find something FAST.  Luckily I had 3 options.  2 centers and 1 home daycare.  We went to look at all three on Tuesday.  We threw out one center (HELLO $100 registration fee, and just felt like it was a kids kennel...no warm fuzzies) almost immediately. 

The home daycare option was the least expensive ($25 for the day)...but Lexi would only be with one other child, would have to sleep in a pack n play in a room alone, and there is no backup if this lady or her kids get sick. 

The center we chose was reasonable ($42 for the day).  Lexi would be with about 8 other kids...they sleep on cots...and it's more of a school setting.  That was the biggest factor.  Since she starts pre-school next year, we want to get her ready for the school setting as much as we can.  So she starts tomorrow.  I think she'll love it.  At least I hope she does!!!

Update

So as you can see by my ticker on the sidebar, I've lost 6lbs in the last 5 weeks.  6.4 actually, but the ticker doesn't include the ounces.  Things have been getting easier...or so I thought.  Food choices are getting easier to make.  I regularly decline sweets and fattening foods and don't feel like I'm missing out.  I've been cooking dinner at home every night (except Thursday, when we had Chinese...HELLO sodium!) and been choosing water as my drink of choice.  I also exercised 4 out of 5 days so far.  My walks are slowly getting longer and I'm getting a faster pace.  I'm not as winded right away and my legs don't burn early on anymore. 

But then Thursday came...and it was HOT here.  There is no shade in my new community so walks are in direct sun.  So instead of walking I decided to bust out the 30 Day Shred and head to my basement where it was nice and cool.  Let me tell you...the warm ups had me winded.  Jumping jacks?  Ha...I have a large chest (like DD) so those were not fun.  Push ups?  Yea...had to do them the "girl" way.  I didn't make it through the whole thing.  Only through the 2nd circuit.  I was bummed. 

Friday I HURT!  It hurt to walk...it hurt to sit.  So instead of torturing myself again, I went for a walk.  And felt every calorie that I burned.  I will continue with the 30DS...just at my pace.  I'm so happy to have inspired 2 bloggy friends to start the Shred.  I hope they will keep me motivated and I can provide them some motivation as well.

Overall, the last 5 weeks haven't been bliss...but I'm seeing results.  6.4lbs is gone...and I know I've lost inches as my pants are falling down now (Side story...I went to a bridal shower last weekend and pulled out my dress pants that I haven't worn since starting to work from home in March...and they were TOO BIG.)  I didn't measure until 4 weeks in (OMG are my thighs really THAT big??!!) so I have another 3 weeks before I measure again. 

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Lexi is doing awesome.  We've closed her speech therapy case.  This past Thursday was her last session.  Her ST actually said that Lexi is advanced now...and was shocked when Lexi used the work "Amazing" to describe som toy the ST had.  I'm so happy to have gotten her the help she needed...she obviously a smart cookie and this just helped bring it to the surface!

Happy Birthday Little One

Dear Baby,

Today is your due date...the day you should have been born.  Though I highly suspect you would have made your entrance into this world a few weeks ago, this is the only date I have to recognize you.  It's hard to believe 7 months have gone by since we said goodbye to you.  I still think of you every day, but it's not with the profound sadness that I carried back then.  I think about who you would look like, what your personality would be, but mostly I wonder if you were a boy or a girl. 

The fact that I can't name you is what really hurts my heart.  The fact that you're only known to your Daddy and I as "Baby" hurts my heart.  You should have a name.  You deserve a name.  But nameless you remain.  Maybe one day, Daddy and I will find something that fits you.

You will always be loved.  You will never be forgotten.

Love always,

Mommy

Up and Down

I'm up 2 lbs from last week.  The only thing I can think of is because AF arrived yesterday.  I was under my calorie goals for the week, and I did get some exercise in...not alot...but some.  So I have to assume it's because my body is retaining water due to AF.  I hope that's the case and that next Monday I'll be back down again. 

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My unfulfilled due date is fast approaching.  June 15th.  Though I suspect that I would have delivered by now anyway.  I'm feeling rather down about it.  I can't yet put it into words...

Singing in the rain

I managed to wrangle my husband into going for a walk last night after dinner.  5 minutes into our walk, it started to rain.  But we kept going.  I didn't get my full mile in last night...maybe 3/4.  The rain was freezing cold (it was only about 55 degrees outside as it was) so by the time we got back home we were shivering and drenched.  We only did 13 minutes...but it was something.  And something is better than nothing.

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Lexi also had her 6 month speech evaluation yesterday.  She passed with flying colors.  In the past 6 months, she has gone from speaking at a 12 month level (basically NOT speaking) to speaking at a 27 month level (and she's not yet 26 months old).  A 15 month gain in 6 months.  Proud can not even begin to describe the feeling I had when I got the report.  I can't even begin to tell you the difference I see in her.  Not only in her speech...but in her confidence as well.  She's always been an outgoing kid...but she's even more so now.  And loves to put on "performances" for any audience.  (She will stand on a box, chair etc and sing and curtsy)

I didn't want to stop her therapy cold turkey...so we agreed to move to 2x a month for 2 months and then stop around August.   I'm so happy I was able to get her into the EI program.  I was never "ashamed" that she needed some help, and I think that is one of the reasons why she excelled.  We were totally involved in her therapy...working with her daily...making it fun.  I'd do it again in a heartbeat...she benefited so much and loves her ST.  We'll be sad to see her leave in August.

A new journey begins

Last Monday, May 23rd, I started a new journey.  One that I hope KNOW will bring me happiness.  The weekend prior, I had an "aha" moment that brought me to tears.  You see, I was at the playground with Lexi.  And she wanted me to chase her...simple task, right?  You'd think.  But I couldn't.  A minute or so of running and I was winded.  I couldn't play with my daughter because...I was FAT.  It was all I could do to walk her home without sobbing.  I had spent 5 years trying to get pregnant.  Trying to have a child.  And now I have her and I can't play with her because I chose to eat burgers and pizza instead of healthier options?  I was so angry with myself. 

I still am angry...but I decided to DO something about it.  I WANT to be able to play with my daughter.  I DON'T want to be the mom on the sidelines.  I WANT to be involved.  And I can't do that at 243.6lbs.  So a little over a week ago, I started a "diet".  And I use that term lightly.  I'm not following WW, or Jenny, or Nutri System.  I'm doing good old calorie counting and exercise.  I signed up for My Fitness Pal, an online calorie, nutrition, exercise journal, and was SHOCKED at the calories/fat in some of the things I ate on a regular basis.  I made the commitment.  I was going to do this. 

Last week was hard.  I'm not going to lie.  I walked 1 mile on Monday and Tuesday...ate within my nutritional allotment.  Wednesday night I thought I blew it.  I had fried shrimp.  Savoured every one.  But when I came home and input what I ate into my journal, I realized that I hadn't gone over my allotments.  I had eaten so sensibly for breakfast and lunch, that even "splurging" a little that night didn't throw me into a tailspin.  End result?  I lost 4.2lbs last week. 

So while my new journey isn't about getting pregnant (well, it will be...IVF #4 is this fall!!)...it's something I need your help with.  I NEED people to motivate me.  I NEED to be held accountable.  I NEED people to ask me if I exercised this week.  If I'm not held accountable...I may slip more than I would WITH you.  Lexi is my motivation to do this.  I want to be able to play with her and be active with her...and set GOOD examples for her. 

Has it been that long?

Dear Baby,

I should be 35 weeks along with you at this point.  I should know if you were a boy or a girl.  I should be feeling you hiccuping and kicking.  I should have seen your face on ultrasound by now.  I should be relishing these next few weeks, because if you were to be like your sister, I could have expected you to arrive next week.  I should be shopping for last minute items.  I should be packing a hospital bag.  I should have a name picked out for you.  

Instead, you remain nameless.  I don't know if you were a boy or a girl.  I never saw your face on ultrasound.  I never felt your kicks.  But that doesn't mean I don't think of you.  I think of you everyday when I see your sister's face and wonder if you would look like her. 

You are a part of me.  And I miss you everyday. 

Love,

Mommy

A busy summer

Wow...time gets away from me rather quickly these days.  Unless I make a serious effort to post something, I tend to put it off in favor of being outside...or playing with Lexi.  Either way, the time is enjoyable. 

We had a rather pleasant weekend here in my part of the country.  Sunny and NO RAIN!  Ugh, I was getting so tired of rain day in and day out.  It was nice to get outside and get some fresh air and sun!

Lexi is all signed up for her summer classes.  She will be enjoying all kinds of arts and crafts, swimming, athletics etc this summer.  But not too much.  One class is in June...the next in July...one in August and her swim class overlaps June and July.  She will be a busy toddler.  I'm very much of the opinion that kids need activities to keep them busy...but not so many activities that they have no down time.  This schedule will be perfect for her:

Weeping Willows pre pre-school class.  Wed & Thurs from 9 - 11am June 8th - 30th
Water Babies II Swim class.  Tu & Thurs from 6 - 6:30pm June 14th - July 7th
Toddlers in Action.  Fri 10 - 10:45am July 8th - 29th
Teeny Tiny Tots.  Sat 9 - 9:45am Aug 6th - 27th

Weeping Willows is sans parent...the rest parents attend.  So we'll see how she does without anyone staying. 

Busting the Infertility Myth - IVF Always Works

I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but back in 2006 when my husband and I first learned that we would need IVF to conceive a child, I believed this myth.  We had been trying to conceive for two years at that point.  I didn't know much about Artificial Reproductive Techonolgy (ART) or any of the components to it.  I only knew what I had heard through others...and what my family had been through.  I mean, my Aunt used Clomid and got pregnant and had TRIPLETS.  So, since IVF was more advanced that just popping a pill, it HAD to work, right?

I learned the hard lesson in 2007.  We started our IVF journey in March...I dutifully followed my protocol.  And when I say dutifully, I mean with military precision.  I made sure I took my birth control and Lupron shots at the same time every night to get me through the suppression period.  When it came time to stimulate my ovaries, I took those injections the same way.  Military precision.  Hands washed, everything laid out before me, clean the area well, inject.  Twice a day I did this.  Even now, almost 4 years later, I can tell you EXACTLY what I was doing.  I mean, this was going to work.  We were getting a baby out of this, weren't we?

My egg retrieval was on April 26, 2007.  It went well overall.  I wasn't in any pain afterwards...and they got 23 eggs!  23!!  23 chances for a baby!  How can IVF NOT work with 23 chances??!!  Zero fertilization...that's how.  My day 1 fert report came in on April 27th.  So far, no eggs had started to divide.  They had ICSI'd 16 mature eggs.  We had no embryos.  Transfer was cancelled.

I was devastated.  I was not prepared for this outcome.  I hadn't even had one thought that IVF wouldn't work for us.  No one had ever said to me that there was a possibility that this wouldn't work...or if they did...I just shrugged it off.  All those painful shots...all those hormones I pumped into my body...all those ultraounds, trips to the office for blood work...all for nothing.  I walked out of the doctor's' office on May 16, 2007, after my follow up, empty and heartbroken.  It would be a full year before I was emotionally ready to start again.  To try again. To hope again. 

But I did get back up...and try again in 2008.  I went into that IVF cycle much more aware that things weren't guaranteed. It was difficult to put my body through the process again...but I wanted a baby.  I wanted to feel what it was like to carry a pregnancy.  On August 13, 2008 I underwent my second egg retrieval.  24 eggs this time.  17 mature.  But I didn't want to get excited.  I knew what could happen.  When the fert report came in the next day, I was less than thrilled.  We had 4 embryos.  4 times better than last cycle, but still not a great percentage.  On the morning of August 16th we arrived for our transfer, only to be told that 3 of our precious embryos had arrested during the night.  We were left with one.  One lone embryo.  The doctor gave us a less than 10% chance if we transferred that one.  But I couldn't walk away again.  I had to give that embryo a shot...no matter what the odds.  August 28th will forever be a day I remember.  It was the day my beta came back positive.  And on April 10, 2009, my daughter was born. 

But positive betas don't always mean take home babies.  If there is anything I've learned in the past 5 years it's that nothing is guaranteed when it comes to reproduction.

In 2010, we decided to try to give Lexi a sibling.  Back onto the IVF wagon we went.   By now, we knew the drill...we were following the same protocol that got us Lexi.  No need to fix something that wasn't broken right?  September 29, 2010 was my third egg retrieval.  Again, they got 25 eggs from me.  22 were able to be ICSI'd.  We ended up with 2 embryos this time.  Given that the previous cycle had resulted 3 of 4 arresting...we weren't hopeful that these 2 would make it.  But on October 2nd, both embryos were tranferred back to me.  The doctor said they were perfect embryos..and said we should prepare for the possibilty of twins.

My first beta was October 13th.  It was positive.  We were over the moon with happiness.  93.9 was a good hcg number for 12 days past transfer.  Beta #2, on October 18th, wasn't as stellar.  221.  It had barely doubled.  Beta #3, October 20th...377.  We held out hope.  October 25th...beta #4...1725!  Huge jump!  We were excited.  Maybe we had a late implanter!  Our ultrasound on November 8th, however, revealed that there was no heartbeat.  I was 8 weeks along.  There should have been a heartbeat by then.  There was no explanation as to why my betas continued to rise, but the embryo didn't grow.  On November 12, 2010, I under went a D&C to remove the "product of conception".   IVF worked...but didn't.

The moral of this long post...is that IVF doesn't always mean a take home baby.  The only things IVF does guarantee is a chance.  Only a chance at conception.  A chance at hope.

If you are going through treatment, or thinking about undergoing treatment, know you're not alone.  There are those of us who have been where you are.  Who are willing to listen, and support you.  Do not be afraid to reach out.  We are here to reach back.

If you know someone going through treatment, or about to undergo treatment, please visit the Resolve website below.  If you don't know what to say to your loved one, give them a hug.  Ask them how much they are willing to share...and ask questions.  But please, don't judge them for the choices they make.  Infertility is a harsh reality for many people to face and some may not be in a place where they are emotionally able to share.  And most importantly, don't treat their losses as if they didn't happen.  Acknowledge them.  Those chances at hope deserve it.

To learn more about infertility, visit http://www.resolve.org/infertility101.
Also, please visit  http://www.resolve.org/takecharge to learn more about NIAW (National Infertilty Awareness Week)

Needing to vent

Since I've been working from home, we've had my MIL watching Lexi on Mondays.  I used to drive her to my mom's an hour away and take the train to the office from there...but since I no longer commute, driving her the hour and then coming back seemed silly.  Well, I'm starting to rethink doing it. 

Let me first say, that I love my MIL.  But I can't stand her sometimes.  She's supposed to be watching Lexi on Mondays while I'm upstairs working.  She gets to my house about 8:15 (no problem) and I go upstairs.  Well, I feed Lexi breakfast before she gets here...or at least Lexi is eating when she arrives.  She doesn't feed Lexi anything else until I come down around noon for my lunch...at which time I have to make Lexi lunch AND my MIL lunch as well.  Then I have to put Lexi down for her nap...which she should have gone down an hour before...and clean up the lunch dishes...then go back upstairs to work...within the hour.  When I'm done at 4:30ish I come back down...and have to feed Lexi dinner right away because MIL didn't give her any snacks after her nap. 

I've talked to her about this.  I've told her Lexi should get a snack after she gets up...something to tide her over until 6pm when we eat dinner...if she doesn't get anything then she goes from noon until 6 without eating...and that makes a crabby girl.  I don't know why she doesn't do it.  There are kid "safe" snack foods all in the pantry and Lexi has a cabinet of Gerber foods all to herself.  MIL knows this.

OH and today...OMG...she told me she wanted to get Lexi a little chick for Easter.  I'm thinking a peep or a chocolate chick...NOOOO she meant a REAL LIVE CHICKEN!  I was like, hells no!  But I politely said that may not be the best idea since we have 2 large dogs who like to chase little animals.  I also added that Lexi should never get a live animal as a gift unless DH or I are the ones giving it, OR, we've discussed it and agreed to it BEFORE any purchase is made.  She was miffed.  Ticked.  Pissed. 

I don't know if this is going to work out or not.  I don't have an alternative at this point. 

My own mortality

A friend of mine from high school passed away on Lexi's birthday...she was 34. Apparently, she had just gotten home from vacation...didn't feel well...went to bed and never woke up. The cause of her death hasn't been determined...or if it has, it hasn't been shared. Nevertheless, the thought that she was only a few months older than me, and died in her sleep, scares the shit out of me. I'm not the healthiest person...I'm overweight, don't exercise, and my eating habits aren't where they should be. The thought of Lexi growing up without me, terrifies me. We wouldn't be prepared at this point should anything happen to either DH or myself.

We just applied for life insurance...something we've been procrastinating doing since we got married. I mean, I had a group policy through my job...and do through my new job as well...but it was only 1x my salary. Not enough to pay the house off or send Lexi to college. So we've recently applied...did the blood tests...and are waiting to hear if we're "approved".

 We also need to think about what happens to Lexi should both of us be taken. I want to have something in place that names people that are willing to raise her. My sister being our first choice. We've talked to her about it, and she's agreed...but we have to get it on paper and legal. Anyone know how to do that? My friend passing really put alot of things in perspective...I'm not 15 anymore (though I still don't think of myself as a 34 year old working mom)...I need to start living healthier and making different choices. Not just for me...but for my family.

Picture with the Easter Bunny

A moment I'd dreamed of

Last night before bed, Lexi asked me to again "wock baby". So we sat in the rocker in her room and rocked. Then, she started singing her ABC's. Well, singing them as well as a 2 year old can. And I started to cry. When she was a newborn, singing the ABC's to her in this chair was sometimes the only thing that calmed her. The only song she liked. I've sang the ABC song to her probably thousands of times in her short life...and to have her initiate the song made my heart melt. So we sang together...over and over again. Until she was a limp rag doll in my arms...still trying to sing.

Two years

Dearest Lexi, Today, you turn 2 years old. You are no longer my "baby"...instead...you are a little girl. One with personality and opinions and ideas. You have your own sense of style and of doing things. You amaze me more and more each day with your understanding of the world around you. Your personality is larger than you are...literally. You only weigh in at 23lbs 6ozs, but yet are 34 1/4 inches tall. Which means size 18 month pants fall off your behind, but any size smaller looked like floods. Thank goodness for spring and summer when length won't be an issue. Though you are wearing 2T tops!! We had your birthday party on the 3rd. Lots of family came to celebrate your special day and Mother Nature blessed us with a gorgeous spring day. Mommy doesn't really know what to say anymore...I still feel an overwhelming sense of wonder when I look at you...even 2 years later. I still tear up when we snuggle and you ask me to "wock baybee". I still can't believe we were blessed with the miracle of you. You are an amazing little person...and mommy feels so lucky to be a part of raising you. You may be a little girl now...but you'll always be my baby. Love always and forever, Mommy