Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I can't take much more stress in my life right now.  And that's all I seem to have at the moment.  If I thought I was stressed before...when the only thing I stressed about was money...then I don't even have words to describe the pressure I feel right now. 

IVF postponement...ok...sucks, but I can deal.  Just means extra time and maybe another year paying for the HMO. 

Hasimoto's...yep...that sucks too.  But it's treatable with medication.  I went for my ultrasound of my thyroid this morning and I picked up my Levothyroxin last night.  Popped my first pill this morning.  Being on meds, for possibly the rest of my life, kinda sucks...but I can deal.

This "other thing"...that I can't deal with.  I know it could very well be nothing.  A bad angle...a cyst...a fibroid...it could be any of those things...but the thought that it might be something more than that still creeps into my head.  And that thought KILLS me.  I'm 35.  I don't want to deal with anything remotely related to cancer.  I look at my little girl and think...will I see her grow up?  Will I see her graduate from high school?  Get married?  Have a baby?  I know those things aren't guaranteed to begin with...but having this looming over me makes those things ever so important.  Makes every hug and every I Love You even more precious to me. 

The rational side of me says that if it were really bad...my doctor wouldn't have "just mailed" the order for the tests...that he would have demanded I get in ASAP.  He's like that.  My brain says that everything will be fine...that I'm over reacting.  But my heart...well, that's a whole other ball of wax.

My heart is hurting right now.  For the IVF that got put off...for the upcoming one year anniversary of losing the last pregnancy...for the Hashimoto's diagnosis...for reaching age 35...for an abnormal mammogram.

It's just too much all at once.  I don't know how to hold it all together.  What's next?


Anonymous said...

Oh sweetie! I wish I could send you a giant cupcake to make it all better. Know that I am thinking and praying for you. Let me know if I can do anything for you from afar!

Mazzy said...

I am so sorry. :( I hope this is the pinnacle of your stress and that everything just comes down from here. I know sometimes when my life is at its craziest, it makes me most thankful for the blessings I do have! You'll be in my prayers...