Monday, January 30, 2012

What's next?

I have no clue.  We knew this was going to be our last insurance covered cycle.  We knew that.  But the possiblity that we wouldn't have ANY embryos to transfer never entered my mind.  Sure, we've had crappy fertilization in the past...but I never thought I'd be faced with another cycle with no embryos (our very 1st cycle back in 2007 resulted in the same). 

So now I'm faced with feeling like I'm not ready to give up...with the very real notion that I may have to.   The RE seems to think the problem lies with DH's sperm.  They ICSI'd the 10 mature eggs that they got.  My eggs seemed to be "up to par"...but still, the same result.  Dr C mentioned donor sperm and IUI.  He thinks it could work for us...since, again, he thinks the problem is DH's swimmers.  But DH isn't 100% open to that idea.  And I'm not there yet either. 

How do you tell one child that they aren't biologically their father's when the other is?  How does that affect the child?  How would that affect Lexi?  Would it?  Would DH later disown that child in the event our marriage ended?  Could he legally?  Those are the questions swimming in my head. 

The wound is so raw right now...


Tina said...

Can I just try to answer some of your questions?

How is a donor sperm baby any different from an adopted baby? You still love them as your own, they are still brother/sister to their sibling. Why does being blood related matter? A family is how YOU make it - whether people are blood related or not. You're not blood related to your husband, but he's your family. (and that would be kinda gross if you were)

Yes there are probably legal issues that need to be answered. I'm guessing hubby would have to adopt the baby, but really? does that matter?

As for Lexi, until she's much older, she would never need to know how sibling was conceived. Lexi won't care, it's her sibling. Her brother, her sister...her FAMILY and unless you and DH treat that baby differently, she'll never know anything more than it's her sibling.

I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sorry that this cycle failed. Take some time, you don't need to make any decisions today.

BTW - my ds was conceived via IUI - it's cheaper and easier than IVF.

Anonymous said...

Many questions that deserve to be answered. Remember, Jake was 100% against adoption and now we have Isaac! I can 1000% (yes that extra zero is on purpose) gaurantee you that in the event that our marriage ended he would 10,000% fight for HIS SON. It does not matter one ioda whose sperm helped conceive that child-just as to me it matters not whose egg helped conceive that child.

Legally, I would say NO he couldn't disown the child simply on the gorunds that it isn't his biological heir. His name would appear on the birth certificate, just as ours now does on Isaacs-yes any DNA test would prove that we aren't biologically related, but since we knowingly agreed to adopt him it wouldn't matter.

Irregardless, don't stop questioning, and don't jump in to any decision. Right now you are so raw, and you need to mourn this loss before making ANY life altering decisions--no more children OR trying again with different options.


Anonymous said...

I wish I had the answers for you but I am also dealing with the same type of thing, but in my case it is a question of a donor egg.

The only question I can answer or help you answer is, if you got a divorce, would YOU leave a child behind? As the person who might have to do the donor egg, I have been told that we as mothers still have the full effect of baby, and that not one mom has ever said it is not theirs once they start going thru the process. If you wouldn't leave a child behind then that is all you will ever be able to control. You.
Good intentions are always meant, but don't always fall thru.

Did DH do the normal testing? the sperm penetration test (they use hamster eggs)? or the icy test before icsi? where they put a special enzime in the dish so they pick the best sperm? If not WHY not?! Kick them in the shins and demand the testing. NOW while you have insurance. Also they should have done an anaylis to his sperm too.. they shouldn't be guessing, but pretty sure (at least 90%) this is the issue. If not scream your head off and demand answers.

Looking at donors is not easy. Having to consider that path myself... how open is he to it? if it is the only way to have another child ask him straight out if he is still a no go. He has to be blunt and you have to be forgiving for his feelings - they are valid.

Long talks about why he might feel this way not only help but will also bring you closer. I get it. I am there, and struggling with coming to terms too...

Remember our new mantra... it will be ok.

Jenn (California)

Jamie said...

I am so sorry. Those are all such hard questions. And questions you have to find the answers for yourself no matter how badly you wish someone could point you in the right direction and tell you NOW what is going to be best for your family in five years or ten or twenty.

I think you've hit the most important point right now - the wound is still so raw. I hope the answers will be more clear once the wounds have started to heal.

I am just so, so sorry. I know that doesn't get you any closer to your dream but know that I am holding you in my heart and sending you prayers of peace and strength.

Mazzy said...

This is so complicated and so beyond my pay grade as a blogging friend. I wish I could say something more useful or insightful to be of better support! I think with all that's going on right now, you might just need a huge TIME OUT. Maybe even a vacation. Not that you can escape your problems by getting away, but you need a buffer between your hurts and your plan for the future. You most of all, right now, need time to heal.