Baseline

I had my baseline b/w & US this morning.  I'll find out after 2:30 if I'm clear to start stims on Friday!!

It was interesting sitting in the waiting room and seeing all the women come in.  At my old, much larger, clinic...we weren't on any "schedule" per se.  Meaning the ER's and ET's were not scheduled for a particular week during the month, and monitoring was able to be done at the satellite offices, so there weren't many people in the waiting room.  This clinic is much smaller, operates on a "schedule", and only does monitoring at one location.  So there were about 10 women in the waiting room with me. 

I was surprised at how easily I was able to guess which ones appeared to be "first timers" and which ones were "vets".  The first timers sat in the waiting room, either giddy with excitement or sick with nervousness.  They couldn't focus enough to read a book or magazine.  Their partners were by their sides, equally giddy or nervous.  There were about 4 of those women in the waiting room this morning. 

The vets on the other hand, were there alone...seemingly aloof...oblivious to anything going on around them...consumed by their book/ipod/magazine.  But you could see it in their faces.  The worry.  The apprehension.  Their wish to be the giddy, nervous one.  The first timer.  I sat included.  Wishing I didn't know that out of the 10 of us...maybe 5 would get a BFP...and of those 5...maybe 3 would get take home babies.  I wish I didn't know all the things that DO go wrong. 

I'm more nervous for this cycle that I was a week ago.  Some of that has to do with things that have been going on here at home...but most of it is because I'm afraid of a BFN.  But yet, I'm afraid of a BFP too.  Because a BFP doesn't mean a take home baby.  And I'm not sure my heart can take much more.