Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Lost interest

What do you do when you've lost all interest in sex?  That is where I am right now...and it's causing a huge rift between DH and I.  It's been over 2 months since our last initimate connection.  It's not for his lack of trying though.  I just don't ever feel "in the mood".  DH and I argue on a regular basis...and it all stems from our lack of sex life.  From my inability to give him what he desires...again.  What he doesn't seem to understand is that this problem is affecting me just as much as it is him...I'm just better at hiding it...of pushing it down into the recesses of my brain so that I don't have to feel broken again.  But broken is exactly how I feel.  And I suspect that it all stems from our IF diagnosis.   But I can't be 100% sure.  I mean, I know that is about when I began to lose interest.  Before we started seeing the RE, sex became something that was done at a specific time of the month in order to acheive a goal...having a baby.  When we had to start seeing the RE, I never was able to get back to the "sex for enjoyment" mindset I had before trying for a baby.  And it's snowballed from there.  And I don't know what to do about it.


Anonymous said...

You have just described MY sex life. Let me know if you figure something out. I am never in the mood, never feel sexy, never anything. And of course he is always ready. Ours started after we starters with the RE too.

Queenie. . . said...

I've been there. It's totally normal, although I'm sure that doesn't help. Talking and trying to rationalize only take you so far with a spouse, I know.

What helps? Sometimes, just making yourself do it, even though you don't want to. Oddly, sex often leads to more sex, just like avoiding it leads to more avoiding it. If you drink, have a few glasses of wine and make yourself. See how that goes for a while. Toys? Anything that will help you get your mojo back. Try not to stress about it. I know how hard it is. But the more you don't, the more you're going to argue, and it feels like this endless, awful cycle. I so totally get it.

I suppose you could also talk to your doctor about whether there are med's that might help. I wasn't willing to go that route, but it's an option.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

Mel said...

Silly as it might sound? I pray to thrill to the touch of my husband. To look for those things in him that got my engine going when I first met him. I told myself at one point after I had our first baby that I would never brush him off when he compliments me or kisses me, which I think we as women do ALL THE TIME. Dating helps. Nights out, kid free, doing the things that you two like to do together. Alcohol doesn't hurt.

All that said, the only thing that is going to get the fire re-started is a real desire to want that for your marriage. I hope you can figure out a solution and rediscover all the things about your man that made you fall in love with him in the first place.

Tina said...

AMEN!! You're totally right about IF destroying the sex. UGH!

A few years ago, I was watching an Oprah episode where a couple was in the same situation...no sex. They talked about it and decided to challenge themselves - sex everyday for 1 month straight. Whether they wanted to or not. This couple said that it totally changed their sex life and while they no longer have sex everyday, they do have it about 3 times a week. I guess it rekindled a spark. They both felt better about themselves and felt wonderful about their partner.

So, maybe take the 30 day sex challenge and see how it goes. You never know, it may lead to good things. If you find after the 30 days that you still aren't into it, then go see a dr.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hear you! It became less about pleasure and enjoying the time with your spouse than about making a baby...and that is daunting.

I've been there too...and frankly just going through the motions sometimes "got me where I needed to be" but it wasn't an over night process, nor was it always something I wanted to do...

Also remember, being intimate isn't just about intercourse...you can be intimate and still have a good time with the "less is more" theory.

*SOrry if that was too much*

JJ said...

Here, here. IF does SO much crap to us -- one of the biggies is taking away the "innocence" of sex. I wish I had the answer -- I appreciate your honesty, though-as so many of us have this issue.