1 day post beta

So I'm still in a bit of shock. I can't actually believe I received a positive beta. I'm hesitant to use the p word yet as there are still so many things that could happen. But I've never gotten this far, so I'm happy to know that my body CAN accept an embie.

DH's reaction: priceless I put the bear and bib out on the rocking chair we have on our front stoop so that he would see it as he comes up the walk. I was standing just inside the door by the side windows with the camera to capture his face when he saw it. Can you believe he walked right past the bear and didn't even see it? When he came in the door he asked "So?" and I was like "I can't believe you didn't see it". When he finally did see the bear, he grabbed me in a hug and just broke down sobbing. Much like my initial reaction was. And I did get a pic, but I chopped off everything from his mouth up...so I kinda blew that. We went to dinner last night at L0ne Star steak house. I had skipped lunch because of my nerves, so by the time he got home, I was famished.

DH also said something to me this morning that I thought was very poignant. He basically told me not to forget where I came from, and to remember how I felt when I would read about other's BFPs. He's right...because I never would have made it emotionally without the support of the IF community, without all of you. You've all been there for me over this last year, and supported me, without even knowing me. And for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. If I could hug each of you, I would.

Pics

I've never seen two lines before...






This is what DH will see when he gets home tonight:

In my uphoric stupor, I forgot to add that I have a follow up beta on Tuesday to make sure things are doubling appropriately.

I'm going to go pee on some sticks now just so I can see those coveted 2 pink lines!

OMG!!!!

I just got the call!!! OMG!! BFP!!! BFP!!! MY HCG was 137...and my progesterone was 26.

Thank you all!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!

I need to run out now and buy a My Daddy Loves me bib...DH didn't want to know until he gets home tonight at arounbd 7pm! OMG! I can't believe it!!!!!

Still waiting...

Thanks for all the support...I'm still waiting!! It's 2pm CST now...if I don't hear something by 3:30 I'll be calling them. It's not like they were super busy this morning. There was no one there when I got there and only one girl came in after me! What the fuck!!??

Knowing you guys are pulling for me helps tremendously! Thank you!!!

UUGGGHH

Do the they call all the bad news patients first or all the good news patients? UUUGGHHH! I'm starting to go NUTS!

Its noon

It's noon here and still NO WORD! UUGGGHH this is killing me! Part of me is wishing I'd POAS already...then at least I'd "know" one way or the other! This waiting thing SUCKS! I'm getting NO work done!! UUUGGHHH!!

12dp3dt - Beta day

I'm back from having my blood drawn. My appt was at 8am, but I got there before 7:30. I woke up early and just couldn't sit around the house waiting. Luckily, they took me early as there wasn't anyone there waiting. I'm SO nervous...I feel like it's the first day of school or something. I have butterflies in my stomach...I really want this to be a good outcome. Though I feel like I'm out of the game. Last night and this morning, I started feeling like AF was going to arrive at any point. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm nervous, I'm giddy all at the same time. Last cycle, based on the embies we transferred, I knew it would be negative then...plus I POAS then too. This time, the news will be completely unknown to me. We transferred one perfect 8 cell embie on day 3, I haven't POAS (Yea for me!).

I'll post once I get that call. The call that could change my life forever.

Edited to add: It's a gray day here in the Midwest...I hope that's not an indication of things to come.

11dp3dt - 1 day to beta

I've resisted the urge to POAS. It helps that there aren't any of those dreaded things in my house. So if I wanted to POAS, I'd have to go to the store and buy them. I drive past Tar.get everyday on my way home from work...and I've been tempted to stop. That's even the reason I haven't refilled my Thyr0id med. I'd have to walk right past the feminine products to get to the pharmacy.

The good thing is, DH and I talked about our plan if this beta tomorrow turns out negative. We'll cycle again...hopefully soon. But this time we'll do a 50/50 split of his sperm and donor sperm. That way we'll know if our issues are sperm quality or egg quality. I just hope we don't have to go that route and that Lucky has attached himself for the next 9 months.

I really need something to keep me busy today. My mind keeps wandering to all the what ifs and if onlys. Any suggestions?

10dp3dt - 2 days to beta

I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS.

This is what I keep telling myself. I really want to know NOW, but I'm holding out. Today, my gut is telling me it's not to be. I'm not sure why, but I just feel it. If I was OHSS last week, pg should have made it worse...but instead I got better. So I don't know what to think. I'm rambling. My optimism and positive thinking is becoming more of a conscious effort than a natural response, and it's becoming harder and harder to make that effort.

The best part is that my cousins DS#2's baptism is on 9/7...so if I do have a bad outcome, I have to deal with a newborn in less than 2 weeks. My heart will not be healed in 2 weeks...that I can guarantee you.

I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS. I'm not going to POAS.

9dp3dt - 3 days to beta

I'm growing increasingly nervous as beta day gets closer. Really, really, really nervous. I don't want to POAS simply because I don't want to see a negative. I know I said I was going to be positive and optimistic, but the negative feelings have started to creep in as I feel less and less like I could be the elusive pg. I don't want to see my DH crushed. He's so excited and wants this SO much...maybe even more than I do, if that's even possible. His heart will be broken...mine will be as well. It took me a long time last cycle to come to terms with our BFN. And we didn't even have any good embies. With this cycles, one "perfect" embie...my hopes were higher than before...which means the crash will hurt even more. I'm hoping that I'm fretting over nothing, but I feel nothing. No more twinges...no more pangs. My girls are still sore, but I know that could just be all the damn pr0gesterone I'm pumping into my body. That's it. There's nothing else that would tell me that Lucky is still around.

This is what I hate most about IF. It's not that the act of making a baby is no longer a romantic interlude between 2 people who love each other. The shots I can deal with, as well as the daily vagcam violations. I can handle that more people have seen my vajayjay in the last month than in my whole life before IF. No, what I hate the most is the not knowing part. The part where our hearts are pumped full of hope only to have them broken during a phone call that lasts only a few seconds.

6dp3dt - 6 days to beta

DH did the cutest thing last night...and caught me completely off guard. He had just taken the Estraderm patches off my back so I could jump in the shower, and I was standing in front of him, when he RUBBED MY BELLY! At first, I was like, what ARE you doing? Then I remembered, we have a potential nugget in there. Took me a minute.

Still have the slight pangs in my pelvic region. I would describe them as feeling as if AF was eminent, but on a smaller scale. The pangs are consistently on my left...so I'm hoping that there are good things going on in there. TMI ALERT...My poop has returned to normal...THANK GOSH! There is nothing I hate more than being plugged up. I'm a every day type of gal, so when there are a few days in between, I'm not a happy camper.

I'm also not thrilled with the "pelvic rest" that was imposed on DH and I during this 2ww. DH especially. But if it works...it will all be worth it. If it doesn't...well, I won't go there, since gosh darnit this is going to work!! (Like my optimism there?)

5dp3dt - 7 days to beta

I had White Castle for lunch yesterday. Those of you who are familiar with the Midwestern chain know what kinds of digestive pyrotechnics often result from eating here. So since I was still a little plugged, I thought they'd help...and let me tell you...help they did. I was up ALL night in the bathroom. (TMI sorry) But the end result is that I'm completely cleaned out and feeling SO much better. Plus they taste better than any fiber supplement!

So, I'm feeling a whole lot of nothing...well, I do have the occasional twinge in my pelvic region, but that could be my ovaries shrinking, remnants of my digestive escapade last evening, the start of AF...or maybe, possibly, could it be, dare I say it? implantation? This is about the right time...but I have no other "signs". My previously painful boobs, are now just a little sore. I don't seem to have any mood issues, though DH might say otherwise. The only thing is that I can sleep forever. But I love to sleep, so this may just be nothing.

I have decided that I will not POAS. I will wait for the beta. I say that now, but I reserve the right to change my mind as beta day grows closer.

4dp3dt or 5dp3dt

OK...so I'm always confused on this. I had ET on Saturday...so does Saturday count as day 1? Or is Sunday day 1? Either way, I'm feeling better. I must have drank 3 bottles of gat0rade last night. I haven't gained weight...well if you count .2lbs then I guess I have...and I'm looking and feeling MUCH less bloated. Thank you all for your suggestions and well wishes. I do have the chewable benefi.ber (we give them to my dog b/c he has poop issues too (vet recommended)) so I'll be taking those if things clog up again.

I started the Estraderm patches last night. I have 2 every other day. It's strange having these large patches on my shoulders...but hey whatever works.

I haven't had any other "symptoms" but I'm trying not to dwell on anything and just keep looking forward towards 8/28.

Feeling Shitty

I'm back working from home again today. I felt SO shitty yesterday. Completely sleepy and all around crappy. I called my nurse who said I'm most likely OHSS and constipated...which don't make a good combination. If I don't feel better by tomorrow morning, they want to do an u/s to see how much fluid is in my belly. They don't like doing the vag cam after transfer, but if I'm not feeling better...

On the train on the way home yesterday, I got completely light headed and broke out in a sweat. I thought I was going to pass out right there. I sat back in my seat and luckily it passed after 15 minutes or so.

Today, I'm feeling the same. My tummy is tender to the touch, but doesn't look distended to me. I also can't go #2 for the life of me. TMI alert...I mean I've passed one or two nuggets, but nothing I would consider "normal". I even bought some glycerin suppositories, but haven't worked up the nerve to try one yet.

So the meds I'm on...prenatals (cut back to every other day now to try to help with the #2 issues), baby aspirin, 1ml of PIO, 1 200mg pr0gesterone suppository 2x a day and today I'm starting the Estr0gen patches. 2 patches every other day. I'm gonna be one fucked up woman.

So tired today

I don't know if it's because today is my first day back in the office, or because of all the meds...but I am SO tired today. I could literally fall asleep standing up. Plus, I think I have a hint of OHSS...I feel so very full when I take a deep breath. I've already had a 7up, thinking the sugar would help with the sleepiness...but it didn't...not even temporarily. But can I say that was the best 7up I've ever had? Tasted SO good. It's only 11am here. If I was home, I'd take early lunch and lay on the couch and sleep for about an hour or so. Can't do that here. No couches...no where "private" to put my head down. I may have to find an empty conference room and sprawl out on the floor.

I did manage to schedule my beta. August 28th at 8am. You can bet I will be working from home that day...no way am I going to be at work if I get bad news, which I won't because I'm staying positive positive positive. LOL.

Transfer

When we arrived at the RE's office on Saturday morning...we learned that they had a "slight issue" with one of the retrievals earlier in the morning and they were now behind. Now, normally, I wouldn't mind...but I had a full bladder that just wasn't hearing it. I ended up having to empty it and start all over again. When we met with the RE we learned that 3 of our 4 embies had stopped growing. We had one grade 1 eight celled embie left. We transferred that little one and are now hoping for the best. I've never even had an 8 celled embie, so I'm hoping this little one decides to stick around for, oh, say, 9 months? Please keep us in your thoughts.

I'm back at work today...and by that I mean back in the office. I've been working from home the last 3 weeks, so I haven't had the 4 hour commute to deal with. I'm dragging right now...and since they say no caffeine...I'm DYING! I need some kind of pick me up or else I'm going to fall asleep here at my desk!

Any suggestions?

Transfer is tomorrow

Got the call from my RE's office. All 4 embies are growing still and where they should be. They couldn't tell me how many cells each were...just that they are were they should be and we will get all the particulars tomorrow when we come in for transfer. DH and I originally had agreed to only transfer 3 back...but we're debating on transferring all 4. I guess it all depends on what they look like tomorrow. I'm SO nervous for this. More nervous I think than I will be over the next 2 weeks. I know what our track record is with fert and I just want reassurance. Pathetic I know. I just want this SO badly. Just like all of you.

Transfer will take place at 9:20CST...we are to be at the office by 8:20am. I'm not a religious person...but if you are, please say a prayer for us tomorrow...we'll take all the help we can get.

Love you all!

Fert Report

I'm torn with this fert report. Of my 22 eggs, 17 were mature...and 4 fertilized. While we are ahead of the game from last cycle, when zero fertilized on day 1, I was still holding out hope that everything we did this past year would result in a great fertilization percentage. I know it only takes one good egg, and that we're better than we were last cycle. I know all those things. But my heart still dropped when the nurse told me we only had 4. She couldn't even tell me if they looked good or if they were "slow growers" again. Please don't get me wrong, I'm grateful to even have 4 embies to work with, and if one of those embies becomes a baby I would just be over the moon. But right now, I'm a little disappointed. Nothing to freeze, as we agreed to put back 3 and not freeze anything less than 2.

I'll find out tomorrow if we are a day 3 transfer or day 5. I'm holding out hope that these 4 little ones grow and can make it to day 5.

Thank you to everyone for your well wishes. While it may seem like I'm ungrateful for what I have, I'm not. I know all too well the alternatives.

ER

ER went very smoothly yesterday. 22 eggs were retrieved. I must say that this experience was 100% different from my first cycle. DH was actually allowed to sit in the room with me pre and post retrieval. It was nice coming out of the anesthetic and knowing he was right there. I was too sore to really do anything yesterday...basically laid around and had hubby wait on me (LOL). Feeling much better physically today. Still nervous about the fert rate...but will see what happens.

Non IF related question

OK girls...I have an mp3 player that I got for Christmas...and it's still sitting here with no music on it. It's not an Ip0d, but one from the Sharper Image. And I'm completely lost as to how to download music onto it. The instructions suck. All you tech savvy gurus out there...please help me. I'm also looking for recommendations for sites to use to download the music. I'm always wary of sites asking me for my credit card info.

I need tunes for tomorrow's ER! Please help!

We almost didn't trigger...but we did

Yesterday, around 5:30 I started feeling a little crampy. No big deal I figured, my ovaries are the size of grapefruits so it's to be expected, right? Wrong. 15 minutes later I was doubled over in the most extreme pain I've ever felt in my life. I seriously thought my right ovary had burst! The pain was on my right side and and back. I couldn't even stand up. I also broke out in a cold sweat and there was no color in my face. I was home alone and I seriously thought about calling 911, or at least my neighbor across the street to take me to the ER. I ended up paging my on call doctor, who called me back promptly and told me to take Tylen0l and use a heating pad...I was like WTF??? If my ovary burst a heating pad isn't going to do jack shit!

Anyway, I ended up crawling upstairs to the bathroom and drawing a warm bath...I sat in the tub for about an hour with the most terrible pain in my back that moved into my pelvic region. It seriously felt like I had to pee, but couldn't. When my husband got home, I had called him and cried that he had to be here NOW, I was still in the tub, but the pain had gone away. I'm not sure if I had a stone or something that caused the pain, but it was the worst I've ever felt in my life, and I've damaged my sciatic nerve in the past.

As I'm typing this, there is no pain, except where DH shot me with the HCG last night. I'm wondering if I have kidney stones or something that may have been moving around in there. Whatever it was, I hope I don't have to endure that again.

ER is tomorrow!

Triggering

Just got the call from my nurse...we are to trigger tonight at 8:20pmCST. ER will be Wednesday at 8:20am...though I am to be in the office by 7am.

Please keep us in your thoughts...we had fertilization issues last cycle and I'm hoping that the measures we took over this past year will have helped eliminate some of that.

Just Breathe...

UPDATED : Just wanted to add that this is my 100th post!! Woo hoo!!!!

Catching up

Sorry I haven't posted...I've been feeling really crappy the last few days. These hormones are starting to take their toll on me...my left ovary is situated behind my uterus..so as my ovary swells with follicles, it pushes on my ute...which in turn pushes on my bladder and some other organs. So I'm peeing every time I drink something and am very uncomfortable.

Here is my update as of my appointment yesterday morning...

Right ovary: 19.5, 18, 17.5, 16, 15.5, 13.5 & 12...plus some smaller ones
Left ovary: 18, 17.5, 15, 15, 13, 12.5 and some smaller ones
E2 is just over 2000

I went this morning for another u/s and my largest follie was just over 20mm...I didn't write them all down as all I wanted was to hurry up so I could pee again (even though I peed right before I went into the u/s). My nurse believes I will trigger tonight...which makes ER on Wednesday. My DH was hoping for Thursday so he could take an additional day off work (he's normally off on Wednesdays) but I don't know if I could do another day of stims. I've been on them for 12 days and am SO READY to be done.

Sorry for the complaining...I chalk it up to being a hormone ravaged bitch today!

Monitoring appt #3

Right - 4 follies between 14mm and 11mm...lots of smaller ones
Left - 1 follie at 13mm...lots around 10mm
Estrogen - 883

Next appt is tomorrow morning. I only have 4 days worth of meds left...I'll find out tomorrow if I need to order more!

Appt #2

Yesterday was monitoring appointment #2. I'd been on stims for 5 days at the time of the appt...as I said before, my largest follie is 11mm and I have lots of smaller ones. My E2 was 393, which I'm told is good. Last cycle we did, I never got any of this information, and didn't know I should be getting it. So I'm not 100% sure I know what my E2 levels should be after 5 days of stims. Anyway, I'm not obsessing about my follies yet. Last cycle, I stimmed for about 12 days...so as we get closer to day 10 I'll start asking the how many's and how big's. My next appt is tomorrow, at 7am again.

I can say that I'm feeling my ovaries MUCH more this time around. Last cycle, I barely felt any different...this time around, it's like my ovaries are saying YOO HOO HERE WE ARE! This morning was the worst so far. Twinges and "crampy" feelings on both sides...so I hope that means the 225iu of F0llistim and 75iu of Men0pur that I shot up with last night are doing their jobs.

Yesterday was also DH's 32nd birthday. Since I worked from home, I was able to get his presents wrapped before he came home. We went to Gi0rdano's for dinner...nothing big. I felt really bad that we couldn't do more, but I'm always worrying about money and he didn't get home until a little before 7. We are planning on going to Harry Care.y's for dinner for his birthday, just not sure when that will be.

Well, better get back to work!

Monitoring appt #2

Went this morning for my follie check...largest follie is now 11mm...I didn't ask how many as I know it's still early in the game. I'll post more when I get my call from the nurse.

First monitoring appointment

Had my first monitoring appointment yesterday morning. All looks good so far. Have lots of follies on each side with the largest being 8mm on each side. Not bad for only 3 days of stims. Have my next appointment tomorrow at 7:30am. We'll see how much they've grown. I'm still not feeling any different, other than a bruised belly where I do the injections. I am more tired lately, but I can't attribute that to only the hormones...I've been busy and not getting alot of sleep, so it's catching up to me.

I've been a bad blog friend. I've been reading blogs, but not commenting. Please know that I'm following your stories, even if I haven't been able to say HI...hell, I haven't even been able to finish the finale to my story. Though you all know I end up marrying the man!

We're stimming

I took my first stim shots last night after my RE appt yesterday. I forgot how much that damn F0llistim STINGS going in! And I'm doing 225u each night...more than I did in one injection last cycle (I did 150 2x a day). The Men0pur stung as well. (doing 75ml) But the Lup0n continues to be a breeze (down to 5 units now). So I'm doing 3 shots again each night. Along with taking my thyr0id meds and prenatals.

I've had jury duty all week, so I haven't had to wake up at my normal 4:30am...it's been nice sleeping until 7 each morning...though I know I'll pay for it next week when I'm back to normal.

I'll try to post the finale to my "How I Met my Husband" story tonight.

Meme

Stole this from Bella's blog...

Answers must be one word:

1. Where is your cell phone? table
2. Your significant other? downstairs
3. Your hair? ponytail
4. Your mother? home
5. Your father? same
6. Your favorite thing? sleep
7. Your dream last night? none
8. Your favorite drink? coke
9. Your dream/goal? happiness
10. The room you’re in? office
11. Your hobby? reading
12. Your fear? failure
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
14. What you’re not? content
15. Muffins? blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? baby
17. Where you grew up? Chicago
18. The last thing you did? work
19. What are you wearing? clothes
20. Favorite gadget? camera
21. Your pets? dogs
22. Your computer? two
23. Your mood? blah
24. Missing someone? always
25. Your car? broken
26. Something you’re not wearing? shoes
27. Favorite store? book
28. Like someone? husband
29. Your favorite color? blue
30. When is the last time you laughed? yesterday
31. When is the last time you cried? yesterday

How I Met my Husband...part four

Let's see, where was I...oh yea. After that dinner, things were silent again. I want to stress that I continued on with my life. I dated other men, went out with friends etc. I didn't wait around wondering if he would ever call again. But he was always in the back of my mind.

We'd see each other one or two more times over the course of the next 5 years. But it never went anywhere other than those nights. But let me tell you...I knew I was head over heels. Sometime between the horrendous dinner and these 2 "dates" I realized that I was smitten with him. Even though I was living with my boyfriend, J, whom I'd been dating for about 5 years, I wrote C a letter in 2002. Basically, I told him that I loved him and that I was willing to leave everything behind for him. I left the ball in his court. My letter went unanswered, until the summer of 2003.

On June 16, 2003, I lost my grandmother. She had had a massive stroke in March that had basically took her from us then. She was bed ridden and on a feeding pump as she was unable to eat. I hate to use the term "vegetable" but that gives you an idea of the function she had. My grandmother was everything to me...she was my rock when I was a child and teenager. My mom and I didn't really start getting along until I had moved out and was in college, and my gramma was the one I talked to about everything with. Even after she had her stroke, I'd sit in the bedroom with her and just talk to her about things that were going on. I was angry with her after she died for leaving me with no one to confide in. J and I had been having problems since early in our relationship and I felt like I couldn't talk to him. Anyway, the day of her wake, who should walk in the door? That's right, C. He had heard from a friend of mine that my gramma had passed and, since he knew the nature of my relationship with her, wanted to pay his respects. Today, I firmly believe my gramma brought him back to me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. I hate to say it, but when I saw him that day, it was like everyone else disappeared. It was just C and I.

Over the course of the summer, we hung out and talked...and I started down the path that would lead to my breakup with J. I started telling J I was with girlfriends, when in fact I was with C. I'm not proud of how I conducted myself, but that's the way it happened. Eventually, my lies caught up with me and J found out what had been going on...and locked me out of our house. Now, I know what you're thinking...I deserved it. And maybe I did, but you didn't know J, and at the time, I felt I had no other options but to lie. I spent 2 nights away from home, unable to gain entry. On day 3, J let me back in...C was furious that I went back. I was so conflicted, I wasn't sure what to do. J was willing to forgive and forget, but was I?

Sorry

I know you are all waiting for part 4 of my story...but I'm afraid it will have to wait a little longer. This weekend was so busy...we had company on Saturday and Sunday we went to Pierogi Fest. I didn't get on the computer at all till now. Today was my first day of jury duty as well...so no PC access during the day. I only logged on to quickly check some email (home and work) and post this short blurb. I promise to get the next part up tomorrow or Wednesday.

On the cycle front...continuing with the Lup0n injections...so far I don't feel any different. I go back to the RE's office on Thursday and should hopefully start stimming then.

How I Met my Husband...part three

I want to be clear that the calls just tapered off, and it was a mutual thing. It was hard to get together since I didn't drive and he now didn't have a car. The distance was also an issue. It wasn't like I could hop on a city bus or anything. However, over the 4 years we did speak occasionally. Usually it was me calling him, and him making some excuse for not being able to talk and never calling back. I continued to send him Christmas and birthday cards each year.


In 1998, a girlfriend and I moved into our first apartment. It was in a not so great neighborhood, and it took me forever to get to work (still didn't own a car), but it was our place and we liked it. That is, until 6 months into the lease, friend decides she can't afford it anymore and moves back in with her parents. Luckily, her dad took pity on me and sent me a check every month for friends share of the rent.


Anyway, it was during the time that I was living alone in that hell hole that C walked back into my life. Literally called me out of the blue. I can't recall what time of year it was, but I'm betting it was summer as we always seemed to have the summer flings. We only went out a few times this go around before the calls tapered off again. Are you starting to see a pattern here? I was.

After I had moved back in with my parents, C called one night wanting to have dinner. He was already near my parent's house and wouldn't take no for an answer. I ended up going, but talked about my then boyfriend the whole time. I was angry with him for coming in and out of my life and wrecking havoc each time. Needless to say, I didn't talk to him after that for quite some time.

How I Met my Husband...part two

Fast forward 4 years...the year is 1994...we've both graduated high school and it's the summer before I started college...a mutual friend of ours called me to invite me to a party he was having at his house. I was excited to go. I knew one other girlfriend who had moved away my senior year would be there and I was anxious to see her again. What I didn't know was that HE would be there as well. When I arrived at the party, my friend kept me outside and said "I hope you won't be angry and leave when I tell you this, but C (my DH) is here as well". My stomach immediately dropped to my feet. I hadn't seen C since before his family vacation 3 summers before...I hadn't spoken to him since that last conversation. What would I say? Would it be awkward? Would he still be angry? I needed a moment to compose myself as I hadn't really "gotten over" him. I had thought of C often in those years, sending him birthday cards and Christmas cards each year...each one went unanswered. "I can do this" I thought to myself. I followed my friend into his house...

Now, my friend is well over 6 feet tall, so when I stood behind him I all but vanished. When we got into the living room, he stepped aside to allow me to be seen. It was in that moment that I realized he hadn't given C the same courtesy of telling him I was coming as he did me. C's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw me. There were some awkward hellos, but as the night progressed, we seemed to fall back into the playful, flirtatious relationship we enjoyed years before. I learned that he was seeing someone, and I shared that I was single. We exchanged phone numbers at the end of the evening, and before I could even make it home, I had a message from him on my machine. I called him back and we spoke until the wee hours of the next morning. He told me who had said I cheated on him, and I gave him the facts. We were both sad when we realized that had we talked things out that day years ago, that things may have been different. But we were happy to be back in each other's lives. As the summer wore on, our relationship progressed again from friends, to dating. It was almost as if we picked up right where we left off. We would spend weekends enjoying the lakefront and it's activities and going out to comedy clubs.

That summer, it seemed like comedy clubs were popping up everywhere...clubs were giving tickets away, all you had to buy were 2 drinks. Since we were still "underage" at that time, we would buy 2 sodas. The one thing DH and I love to tell people is that we saw Dave Chapp.elle in person before he was big. We had gone to a club one night and sat in the front row with a bunch of our friends. Since we were a bunch of college kids we got picked on alot. It was fun.

Towards the middle of Fall...C was in an accident and wrecked his car. He wasn't hurt, but his car was totaled. We lived 45 minutes from each other, I didn't drive and eventually the phone calls became further and further apart until they stopped all together. It would be 4 more years until we spoke again.

How I Met my Husband...part one

I met my husband in the Fall of 1990. We were both freshman in high school, me at the all girl's school, him at the all boy's school across the campus. I can't really recall the exact moment that I first saw him...I do know that he was "dating" one of my friends from grade school and we were at a local mall. He climbed up on top of a huge dumpster and did a King K0ng impression. I thought he was the goofiest guy...weird too. I'm not sure how, but we became pretty good friends. We'd talk on the phone after school, mostly about whatever girl he was currently seeing, and hang out at the mall. Somewhere between that Fall and early the next Spring, I had developed a HUGE crush on him. But I would never, ever let on. I was the quintessential girl friend. I gave him a girl's perspective on life, and a shoulder to vent on. All the while I harbored my feelings. All the girls in my homeroom knew how I felt and each told me I should just ask him out. But I was so afraid that he wouldn't feel the same and that our friendship would never be the same. I needn't have worried. He asked me out in late April and we spent a glorious summer together hanging out at the pool and just enjoying one another. It all came crashing down when he returned from a family vacation in August. Someone had told him I cheated on him while he was gone (I hadn't) and he said he wished he had never asked me out. I remember clearly saying "Will having me out of your life make you happy?" when he answered "Yes", I simply said, "Whatever makes you happy" and quietly hanging up the phone. We didn't speak again for 4 years.

IVF # 2 is underway

Last night I took my last bcp and first Lup0n shot of this cycle. The injection went without a hitch, as everything came back to me and it was like second nature. Scary isn't it?

It's a go

Saw my endo yesterday, Dr. J, and while he did put me on thyroid meds, he said my levels were not at a point to cause him any concern about moving forward with this cycle. Since he really has no stake in if I go now or wait, DH and I decided we would go forward. So tonight is my last bcp and first Lup0n shot. I'm excited and nervous all at once. I can't believe we're actually at the point of cycling again. It's been a long 15 months.

On a side note, my cousin was expecting her 2nd (I'm godmother to her first). Apparently, she had the baby last Wednesday...but we haven't "officially" heard anything. I guess her DH called my sister's boyfriend and told him, who told my sister, who told my mom, who told me. But they don't know the name, or weight. I know she was debating between the names Aiden James (AJ), Connor James (CJ) and Logan James. I know I haven't heard anything because of a tiff going on, which I'll get into in another post, but still...

My old endo to the rescue

I saw an endocrinologist way back in 2005 when I first learned that I had multi-nodular disease (oops, forgot to share that part with everyone) that causes a small goiter on my neck. Most people don't even notice the goiter, including me, but my PCP, whom I LOVE and would recommend to anyone, noticed right away. The endo back then sent me for a thyroid ultrasound and a test (which name escapes me) where they "dye" the thyroid and view it under an MRI (I think it was an MRI) machine. They said my thyroid was currently functioning correctly and I should just follow up. Well, back then, I wasn't interested in following up and never did.

So today, after calling 3 endos in my area and being told that the earliest I could be seen was mid-August, end of September and beginning of October respectively, I hunted down Dr J's phone number through my insurance website. When I called, the receptionist was sympathetic to my plight and said YES, YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE CONCERNED! I now have an appointment on Monday at 2pm. I am breathing a little easier knowing I'm getting another opinion. My gut told me to go with what everyone who commented earlier said...and as much as I don't want to hold off this cycle, depending on what Dr J says, we may do just that.

Thank you again to everyone...you gave me the courage to stand up and call Dr J.

Torn

First, I want to say Thank you to all who left comments regarding the thyroid antibodies. The consensus amongst everyone seems to be to wait on this cycle...and part of me agrees. The other part of me listened to what the RE's office said when I talked to them yesterday and is saying, "They are the experts, they're the doctors...". Basically, my RE is not concerned about the antibodies...she said while they can signal a problem in the future, they are more concerned about my TSH level...which they think is fine. But in thinking about it, I remember on my last cycle they wanted me to have a TSH below 3. Obviously, my TSH isn't near that at this point. I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of going forward and I'm afraid of holding off. I'm supposed to start Lupron on Tuesday...I just don't know what to do yet.

Update: I left a message for an endocrinologist in my area to call me back regarding setting up an appointment. DH and I will have to have a long talk tonight...but when I think about moving forward, my stomach gets all queasy. I take that as a sign...

No news

I haven't heard from my RE's office today regarding my labs. I was so busy at work that I didn't have time to call them, and by the time I remembered...they were closed. SUCKS! So I will have to wait for tomorrow. I also realized last night that my pharmacy never sent me the hcg...um, yea...that's kinda one of the most important meds...without it all the others go to waste. I'm also drawing closer to my lifetime max of $10K on meds. I'm at around $7,600. When I look at the report for what my previous RE ordered and what this one did...the costs this time are far less. Which I'm glad for...just wish I knew then what I know now. Hindsight's 20/20 right?

Labs

This post is more for me to document what my lab results were than anything...feel free to skip it.

Test date: 7/15/08 (gave blood today that's why I have these numbers)
HGB - 13.2
B/P 110/80
Temp 98.6
Pulse 62

Test Date: 7/2/08
Glucose: 92 (normal is 65-99)
Total Cholesterol: 155 (100-199)
Thyroid Peroxidase (TPO): 485 (normal is 0-34)
Antithyroglobulin: 392 (norm is 0-40)
Thyroxine (T4) Free, Direct: 0.94 (normal is 0.61-1.76)
TSH: 4.117 (norm is 0.350-5.500)
Triiodothyronine, Free, Serum: 2.7 (norm is 2.3-4.2)

I faxed the results page to my RE, they are supposed to call me tomorrow.

I'm still spotting...requires a pantyliner now. I'm beginning to think I should postpone this cycle until I can get some answers on the Thyr0id thing. But I've waited over a year to move forward...it's so frustrating to be this close to starting again and having this crap thrown at us.

I've had more medical issues this year than I would have thought...abnormal paps, cervical dysplasia, HPV, arthritis, now this issue. UUUGGGHH! Someone please hit my "normal" button so that I can return to my "healthy" self!

Playing catch up

A few things:

1) I found out my tree was eaten by the Japanese Beetle. Yuck. My neighbors have had similar experiences with their trees (one went to water the tree and about 500 bugs flew off it) so our neighborhood H0me Dep0t has been wiped clean of traps. I managed to get one, my neighbor 2. DH put it on the fence yesterday, and by evening the bag was bulging with all the bugs inside. The good thing is the tree can come back...there are still green buds on the branches.

2) DH had a fabulous time at the race. The night of the race they had perfect weather as a cold front came through that afternoon. Temps were only in the 60s once the sun went down...and no humidity. He took LOTS of pics, but I haven't even looked at all of them yet. I know there are some pretty cool shots of the awesome sunset we had that night over the track.

3) TMI...I've again got mid-cycle spotting. Not enough to warrant a pantyliner even, but it's there when I use the bathroom. It's not red, but brown. This isn't fun.

4) I received a copy of the bloodwork that my PCP ordered for me on Saturday. My thyr0id antibodies were extremely high. Like 485, when normal is less than 100. My PCP only said to let my RE know. When I called the RE's office, they didn't seem concerned, but of course I had to consult Dr G00gle and found this article and immediately became concerned because I start Lupr0n next week for this cycle. I want to have every possible chance at a BFP, and now I find out 1 week before the start that I could have MORE issues than I already know I have?? Anyone have experience with thyr0id antibodies?

Arborists please help

Not sure what those people who know alot about trees are called...is it arborists or botanists? Anyway, I need help. DH and I planted a Little Leaf Linden in our backyard last fall...and the tree has been doing well. It's only about 8 - 10 feet tall at this point, but today I noticed that ALL the leaves are brown. And upon further inspection, their not just brown, but have little holes in all of them. This leads me to believe that my beloved tree has some kind of disease...can anyone tell me what would cause this and what I can do to keep my tree alive?

Alone

No, I'm not feeling down and out. I'm just physically alone...for the whole weekend. See, its race weekend here...and Nas.car fever has been bubbling in my small town. We're approximately 10 miles (if that) from the speedway and all I've seen today is RVs heading east towards the raceway. Now, the actual race isn't until tomorrow, but I dropped hubby off at 6:45 this morning with his buddies. They will be RVing at the speedway until Sunday. Luckily, the also have tickets to get into the race, so as long as the weather cooperates, they'll be trackside. It's not often that I'm home alone for long. I actually don't like being home by myself at night. Now, I know I have my 2 trusty canines to keep me company, but it will be strange not having hubby in the bed next to me. But I'll make the most of it.

I'm working from home today (missed my train b/c I dropped DH off) and tomorrow I'm supposed to spend the day with a girlfriend who just moved back into the area with her DH. Should be an interesting day. Sunday, I have plans with my mom...going to breakfast, shopping, and pedis. Lord knows I NEED A PEDI SO BAD! I'm embarrassed to take my socks off!

Anyway, that's about all I have for now...except that my meds should arrive tomorrow. Yippee! I'll post the obligatory med photo, but most likely not until Sunday as DH took the camera with him!

I've been summoned...

by the county I live in to serve as a juror. Normally, I would be happy to oblige, but the week I'm scheduled to be there is the week I'll be stimming. I have no idea if I'd be able to have all my monitoring appointments done by 7:30am. My county does things a little differently than the other counties I've lived in. They require you to serve for a whole week, or for the duration of a trial, whichever is longer. The best part is, you have to call each night to see if you are in the 8:30am shift or the 1:30pm shift or both. Not something a commuter can really do. So I'm going to have to plead "Hardship" this time around and hope that they can reschedule me for later in the year.

Now, onto more important issues...my protocol. Got my schedule in the mail the other day (I had them mail it since I didn't need injection training again). I will be doing the BCP/Low Dose Long Lupr0n protocol:

Begin bcp 7/2 - done
Last BCP 7/22
Start Lupr0n (10 units) 7/22 once per day btwn 7 & 10pm
Once I get my Lupr0n period I'll start stims on day 3
F0llistim 225iu & Men0pur 75iu once per day btwn 7 & 10pm
Reduce Lupr0n to 5 units daily
ER should be sometime around 8/12 or so
Night of ER - Begin baby aspirin
3 days post ER - PI0 injections and suppositories start (yuck not looking forward to this)
6 days post ER - Start Viv.elle patches
PG test will be 12 days after 3 day transfer or 10 days after 5 day transfer

Now I have to call my RE's office and find out when I can expect the big box o'love in the mail.

Pics

As promised, here are some pics from my weekend...I'll do an actual post tomorrow with my cycle protocol...

This is a picture of the harbor on Lake Michigan looking toward the planetarium.

Some fireworks shots...

And finally some shots of the dogs enjoying splashing around in their pool...

This is the 7 month old...Buddy:

Both Buddy and Sox:

And another of both...that's Sox with his head in the water! They were having SO much fun!

And finally...because I'm a proud momma...my baby Buddy (Sox wouldn't sit still for a good photo):

I Love Vacation

and I'm always sorry when it ends.

Wednesday was RE day. We pretty much did nothing after the appointment...except I started getting things ready to leave.

Thursday morning was spent playing with the dogs since we wouldn't see them for 24 hours. This was the first time I would be away from the puppy for more than a work day. My dad had agreed to come over after work, pick up our car where we were leaving it at the train station (he was taking the train that was coming into that station anyway) and stay at our house for the night. DH and I took the train into the city...checked into our hotel (the Hard R0ck is VERY nice...small but nice) and proceeded to have dinner at this restaurant. We knew we weren't going to eat at the fest...too expensive. The fireworks were great. We had a front row seat (albeit a concrete one) on the lakefront for the show.

Friday we spent the day at the in-laws.

Saturday and Sunday were spent lounging around and playing with the dogs in their pool. I will post pictures as soon as I can upload them from the camera.

Cycle #2 begins

Went to the RE today to have my CD3 bw & u/s done. Though today is only CD2. My FSH levels were high again...12.3, compared to 9 in February. But they don't see any reason not to move forward, except I will be watched closely for OHSS. I start bcp this evening and will take 21 days, followed by 10 days of Lupr0n. So Lupr0n starts around 7/22. Then I will be on 75 of Men0pur and 225 of F0llistim. I had some Repr0nex left, but it expires in August. I donated it to the clinic in the hopes that someone who is stimming now can use it. We're tentatively looking at ER and ET around 8/12. It seems SO far away.

I've never been happier

to have gotten AF! I've been a little nervous as I really wanted her to come Sunday or yesterday so when I see my RE tomorrow, I'd really be closer to the CD3. But she arrived about 15 minutes ago, so I'm hoping my RE will still be able to run all the CD3 work. I'm happy to be able to start a new cycle...as apprehensive as I am, at least now, I feel like we're moving forward and not stuck in limbo.

More later.

And the results are...

6 vials of sperm! Yes, the andrologist, Paul, was able to get 6 vials of sperm from DH's sample on Wednesday. Unfortunately, DH didn't ask him about the freeze/thaw cycle they did, or any other relevant information like how many sperm were in each vial and if they were able to "weed out" the bad ones. He doesn't think to ask things like that, but I can't fault him. The last thing he wants to be talking about with another guy is the quality (and quantity) of his man juice.

I'm on vacation next week! Well, not all of next week. But Wednesday through Sunday! Long weekends...gotta love 'em. DH and I are going to attend the fireworks at this huge festival. Can I just say that I'm utterly impressed it has it's own Wiki page? Anyway, the fireworks are held on the 3rd. I haven't attended in about 10 years, since there are always millions (and I do mean millions) of people who flock to the lakefront to see them. Trying to contend with all those people trying to get home via the "L" or Metra is just too much for me. This year though, we decided we would stay here instead of fighting the crowds. I was shocked that they still had rooms available as late as Monday when I booked. Any other Midwesterners venturing to the lakefront for this binge fest?

Frozen swimmers

In preparation for our upcoming cycle, DH went today to provide a sperm specimen that we will freeze. To answer a commenter's question...we are freezing a sample of sperm ahead of time because DH has poor morphology and really low counts. His last SA came back at 11 million sperm with only 3% of those being "normal". Plus, his SA's have been all over the place as far as counts. This 11 million was alot...he's been as low as 2 million. So we want to ensure that, should he not provide his best sample on the day of retrieval, that we have a backup so as not to repeat our last cycle performance.

I also received yesterday the clearance letter from my GYN to proceed with this cycle. See, because I was diagnosed HPV positive and with mild cervical dysplasia on my PAP last January, my RE wanted something from my GYN saying he gives me the green light to go ahead with this. I guess my RE doesn't want to take any responsibility should I get pg and develop cancer or something. But see, she's assuming I get pg.

I wanted to give shouts out to Jen, Mel, and JJ who all received BFP's this past week. Maybe some of that Braces Bunch luck will befriend me come the beginning of August.

Also, Jacki received some bad news today...go give her a hug.

Lastly, wanted to thank all my readers and commenters. You all mean the world to me, and I know I don't update this blog enough (hopefully, that will change now that I'm cycling again) but I really appreciate all those who continue to check back with me. Lots of love and ((HUGS)).

P.S. I've posted 11 posts in June...the most of any month since starting this blog. See, I'm getting better!

********************
To answer Familyoftwo's questions:

I haven't talked to DH yet today to see if they gave him results...I doubt he'll have them today. Paul, the guy in charge, knows we will be doing ICSI this cycle. I guess they do the wash a little differently with ICSI than they would usually do. He will also be taking a small portion of the normal sample and freezing and thawing it to see how they survive the thaw. We will be sending my RE this frozen sample on ER day regardless. But I guess whether or not they use it is something I need to ask at our consult on the 2nd. Thanks!

A new beginning?

As our upcoming cycle grows closer, DH and I have been thinking more and more about what we will do if we get a negative result. See, we bought our current 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with the intention of filling it with children's laughter. Of building our family around this structure. If children aren't in our future, then neither one of us wants this house. It would just be a painful reminder of what we don't have; and it's a pain in the butt to clean. Now, selling a house with the market the way it is, isn't the smartest thing...but we bought this house WAY under market value in 2006. Even with the decline in housing prices, our house is still worth more than what we paid for it. We wouldn't realize the huge profit we originally thought we would, but we wouldn't be upside down either.

Our thoughts have begun to run into selling the house and moving out of state. We're currently about 50 miles outside of Chicago. We have no real downtown area as the village was originally vacation homes for the doctors and lawyers from Chicago in the 1950's and 1960's. A small, growing community that is quickly becoming congested and "busy". We both long for open land. Of having a few acres between us and our neighbors. Of not having the traffic congestion or pollution that comes with a growing community. Of being able to relax on our patio without worrying that the neighbor's dog is going to start yapping just because. So we've been playing around with this idea.

The thing that really weighs on my mind is the fact that we won't get to see our families. I think my parents would be heart broken if we weren't within driving distance. Plus, all our friends are here. Have any of you ever moved to a new city? How did your families cope? How did you research where you wanted to live?

Now, we've both never lived anywhere other than the Chicagoland area. It's a little exciting to me to think about moving to a city I've never been to. But a little scary too. I'd like to move somewhere that has some history. Somewhere we could get a few acres and not break the bank. Yet somewhere that is close enough to a city to be able to drive there to enjoy the nightlife or other goings on. Somewhere that has grocery stores and shopping...it doesn't have to be chain supermarkets and Wal Mar.t, just a local store. I don't want to roast in the summer (so Phoenix is out) and I don't want to freeze in the winter (no to Juneau as well). Anyone have any suggestions? Just so you know...we've played with Columbus, Ohio, and I've looked at Knoxville, TN real estate (though I don't understand the different area numbers). And my DH mentioned Ravensden, Arkansas (though I put the kabosh on that one)

How's that for thinking positive? We haven't even begun our cycle and we're already contemplating what we're going to do when it's over.

On the IF Front...

DH has his appointment for next Wednesday to give another sperm donation...this time, it will be frozen in anticipation of our upcoming IVF cycle.

I'm nervous and giddy at the same time about this cycle. I'm so excited to be moving forward again, to be doing something. Instead of feeling like the time is just sailing past us. But I'm also very nervous. We had a horrible experience last time, and while I know this RE is 100x better, and I've read posts from women who have seen her, I still can't help being a little weary. I mean, we have a limited amount of insurance coverage, and IVF wouldn't even be possible for us without it. I felt like I wasted insurance dollars last cycle, and I just don't want to feel that way again. I really want this to work and to be able to give DH the opportunity to be a father.

Another Meme...

Found this one someone's blog (I'm sorry I can't remember who I stole it from) and thought I'd give it a whirl...

Here’s a list of things and you have to bold the ones that you have done. So here goes:

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Iliad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish)
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Your turn...

Scattergories

I found this on Kim's blog and thought I'd play along...



SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog.Use the first letter of your name of your street to answer each of the following. (if your street name is a number use the first letter that spells the number. If you live on Fifth Avenue then your letter should be F) They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. You can not use your own name for the boy/girl names.



1. What is the name of your street? Northside

2. A 3 letter word? NOT

3. Something you would find in an office? Notebook

4. Something that smells bad? Nicotine

5. Movie Title? National Treasure

6. Slow Dance Song? Need You Tonight, INXS

7. Something in your pantry? Noodles

8. Name of a pet turtle? Nicodemus

9. Fetish or Phobia? Necrophobia (Fear of dead things)

10. something you would find in your medicine chest? Naproxen



Play along!

Can you tell I'm a Wikipedia fiend?

We're moving forward...

finally. The IVF Coordinator from my clinic called me today. I completely forgot that she was supposed to call. I'm glad she remembered. My RE does want me to come in for a consult, but more of an abbreviated version. Just to talk about protocols and sign the legal forms. I also need to have my GYN fax my PAP results along with a note stating that, despite my HPV diagnosis and mild cervical dysplasia, that I am clear to cycle. So July 2nd, 9:30am. DH will have his blood drawn for the communicable disease testing...and if AF shows up right before that, then I can get my CD3 BW & US out of the way and start BCP. Could it be? Would the planets align just right to allow us to get everything accomplished in one visit? Since I'm highly pessimistic, I say no.

This weekend was nice. Saturday, I put together some new outdoor furniture...DH put up the patio umbrella and strung lights on it. It looked really nice as we sat out Saturday evening. But then we forgot to close the umbrella and early Sunday morning the wind gusts reached about 60 miles per hour and snapped said umbrella's metal post in two. No more umbrella.

We had our parents over for Father's Day. We also invited the parents of a friend we no longer talk to. DH and I had a mutual friend in high school who is now estranged from his parents. They don't get to see their grandkids very often and I know it really hurts them that their only child has gone on a destructive path. They've done everything they could, as have his friends, but he has chosen his course. Anyway, halfway through the day, we got hit with another thunderstorm. Have I told you I'm TIRED OF THE RAIN??!! But after it passed (like 15 minutes later) it cleared up and it turned out to be a very nice evening.

I'm so proud of myself...since joining the Braces Bunch, I've only sent out 4 postcards...but today, I just mailed 7 cards. Not postcards...but cards. I've caught up with alot of my blog reading, so I'm hoping to stay up to date. Those of you who don't know what Braces Bunch is...check this out.

I now leave you with a beautiful Midwestern sunset. Don't mind the light poles or cars...it was taken in a Men.ards parking lot. But if you use your imagination, you can find yourself in a tropical destination.

Patio...updated with bad pic

As I've said before, I'm tired of rain. The Midwest has been battered lately by storms. Luckily, my little community has been spared from the worst of it. But still, when it rains, my backyard becomes a mud pit. DH and I have been trying our damndest this year to get the grass to grow...and we've been pretty successful. It helps that my puppy sits squats when he pees and he's got NITROGEN PEE! So we have tufts of grass throughout the yard that grow 100X faster than the rest of the yard. But try as we might, we have not been able to get grass to grow in the area surrounding our back steps into the yard. Mostly because that is where the 2 dogs play the most. So this area always is the cause of the 6 inches of mud I scrap off the dogs paws each time they are out after a rainfall. No more. Yesterday, my concrete patio was poured. It's purdy. I haven't taken any pics yet, but I will. I'm so happy that we had it done. Not only will the dogs not be caked in mud, but we will actually have a place to sit without the grass tickling at your ankles (something else I dislike). Anyway, I'll update with pics when the sun is shining and I can go outside without getting drenched.

Here's a bad pic of the patio...as you can sorta see...we've got stuff all over it from a get together, and that's my big guy, Sox walking through.

Wondering...

Does anyone ever hear from ME and Steve? I have been thinking about her and I've sent an email, but haven't gotten a response. I was just wondering how she was.

And because I have nothing better to tell you, other than we're having our patio poured today...I leave you with a picture of my 7 month old...

Green Thumb **Edited at bottom

First, Mini Vann has arrived! Go check out Farah's blog

I've never had a green thumb. Every plant I'd ever owned I've killed...even cacti. But I've had this one plant that I bought when hubby and I purchased our first townhouse in 2004 that I haven't killed...yet. So this year, I decided I would plant 3 rosebushes out in our front yard. I figured they would die...so imagine my surprise one day when I saw this...



I was SO excited I sent this picture to my closest IRL friends. I was even MORE excited the next day when it looked like this...





This is the only bloom so far, but there are many more buds on the plant. Even the other two rosebushes seem to be thriving...they have buds as well. I thought that maybe this change in luck with plants would resonate throughout the rest of my life, but it appears not.

I had gotten a call on Friday from my RE's office stating they had gotten MFS's letter and results and my next step is to schedule a consult. I called today, and the first available appointment is July 10th! I told the girl (she was the andrologist helping on the phone, J) that I really wanted to start with my July cycle which is due on the 1st. She said the notes on my account only indicate I need an IVF consult and that I hadn't been there since June of last year. I promptly informed J that was incorrect as I had been in for CD3 BW/US in January and have had a consult since then. So she transferred me to the nurse, K, whom I left a message with.

I really want to start in July. I haven't cycled since April/May 2007 and I just feel like every month that goes by is a missed opportunity. I'll update when K calls back.

************************************************

So K called back and let me know that the RE's initial notes in my file indicated that I would need an IVF Consult only if I desired. Since I've already been through a cycle and know what is involved she doesn't think that I will need to do it. But the RE and IVF Coordinator are both on vacation this week. K will check with them on Monday and have them call me. So I may be cycling in July!!

The verdict is in...

The MFS sees no reason why we can't proceed with another IVF cycle with DH's sperm. While the SA results weren't the best...he does have normal sperm. Of the 8 million sperm in the sample, 3% were completely normal. MFS also said that usually an IVF lab is more strict on sperm quality than a diagnostic lab "because everything is on their shoulders". He sent an email to my doctor to ask them if the 3% normal sperm were "sufficient for their use". And he also stated he wants us to freeze a sample or two to ensure we have enough "good sperm" to use. So while I did get most of my answers...(I got all I could from MFS) I now have to wait to see if my RE will "accept" DH's levels for a cycle.

I'm just hesitant about starting a new cycle if I don't know if the RE will find good sperm. But I guess with a few frozen samples, we should be good. So now I have to call my RE and see what's next. I've already missed June, since CD3 was Tuesday...but let's pretend for a moment that I start a cycle in July...that means ER and ET would be around the end of July. And let's sink deeper into fantasy land and pretend it works...that means I'd have an EDD of approximately March 2009. A girl can dream right?

T minus one day

Tomorrow afternoon DH and I see the Male IF specialist (MFS) and we are demanding answers. He has been seeing this doc since September and originally said that he wanted DH to take the Clomid for 3 months. It's been 9 months...I want answers damnit. I want to know if we have any chance of cycling with his sperm. I want to know if we need to start thinking seriously about donor sperm or not. I want answers!! I'm so tired of NOT knowing what the hell is going on with things. UUGGHH! So I plan on drilling MFS tomorrow and not leaving without my answers.

Also, today is CD3. AF arrived on Sunday afternoon. I could have been going for CD3 bloodwork had we had answers!

Blah, Blah, Blah

So yesterday was my first day back to work after my long weekend "vacation". Let me tell you, I had 2 days in there where I didn't move from the couch all day and I LOVED it. I rarely get days like that, so it was quite refreshing to get caught up on L0st (OMG I loved the finale) and generally have nothing to do. I've been fighting a case of bronchitis, so that hasn't been fun, but I was still at home...enjoying doing NOTHING!

Anyway, nothing new on the IF front. We go to DH's doc next Wednesday for his latest SA results. We're thinking we're headed into the donor world, but would at least like a Dr to tell us what our chances are with his.

And because I thought it was fun...I stole this from Farah...

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): DH, Bridge
C - Cake or Pie: Pie (must be apple)
D - Day of Choice: Friday...I spend all day looking forward to 5pm
E - Essential Item: Cell Phone or Aleve depending on the day
F - Favorite Color(s): Cobalt Blue
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
H - Hometown: Chicago
I - Indulgence(s): Massage and sleep
J - January or July: July (don't like the cold)
K - Kids: Yes, please.
L - Life is incomplete without: Family and friends
M - Marriage Date: 10/04/2005
N - Number of Siblings: 1 younger sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Apples
P- Phobias or Fears: failure
Q - Quote: "Is money worth the price" - Unknown
R- Ring size: hhhmmm I don't really know.
S - Season: Spring or Fall...not too hot or cold
T- Tag 3 Friends: Bridge, JJ and anyone else who wants to steal this
U - Unknown fact about me: I am a complete control freak...though I try not to be
V - Very favorite stores: Target /Wal-Mart/Lane Bryant
W - Worst Habit: Biting my nails
X-ray or Ultrasound: I have had plenty of both
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): crab legs (yum yum)
Z - Zodiac: Libra

It's amazing what IF does to your mind

I have a whiteboard on my desk at work. On it is written: "Move DE for x client in July". Everyday, when I come in and see that message I immediately think, now why would x client want Donor Eggs? Then, I think "duh! It's not Donor Eggs! It's Delaware!"

IF no longer stands for "if". IF is always INFERTILITY

DE no longer is the abbreviation for the state of Delaware

MF no longer stands for the bitchin swear word I used in college

What other acronyms no longer stand for what they mean in the fertile world?

Swimming in Circles

That's how DH and I feel right now. We just called to get the latest results of his donation. Count is still only 8.3 million...with 0 normal morphology. DH has been seeing a male factor specialist since September...that's why he's been on Clomid since then...that's why we've put off cycling again. The MF specialist (MFS) never indicated to DH that he had no normal swimmers. At least that DH can remember. MFS always had DH's counts at around 1 million...but gave us the impression that those were 1 million healthy swimmers. We thought the reason he was on Clomid was because MFS wanted to increase his count. We knew he'd probably have to make a few deposits to the cryo bank before we cycled, but we're just so frustrated with everything. Why can't any doctors give us a straight answer? Will we or won't we be able to use his sperm?

I'm solicting help...

Ladies...I need your help. I need another job...that's close to my home. I currently commute 4 hours a day and it's becoming a financial strain. Anyone work for companies that offer work from home solutions? I currently work for a national financial institution and have experience in service and sales. Can you recommend anyone? Please?? I'm desperate.

PS I've requested a work from home alternative from my current employer and they said "NO".

Random thoughts

Yesterday was THE day. The one that I had been dreading. I purposefully invited MIL and my mom to our house for a BBQ so that I didn't have to go out and contend with all the smiling Moms. But it still got to me...I ended up breaking down in the morning and crying to DH. Had our last cycle been successful, we would have a 4 month old. But it wasn't successful, we're still in the same place we were before. Childless.

People like the Duggars make me sick. All that woman has to do is spread her legs and out comes another baby. It isn't fair.

Thar She Flows

That's what I wanted to scream out this morning when I went to the bathroom and found out AF had arrived...on CD34. She's playing games with me I tell you. For 9 consecutive months after my BFN, she was 28 days like clockwork...then she threw in a 32 day cycle and a 26 day cycle. Now we're up to 34 days. I guess I shouldn't complain...I could be back to the 50 & 60 day cycles of my pre-IVF self. But I was really liking the every 28 days bit. I KNEW exactly when she'd be arriving and plan my day accordingly. No client meetings that day, send DH off with his buds, curl up on the couch and just veg. No more. Oh well, at least I can look forward to another cycle soon.