Getting by

After my long whiney post, I'll update and say she blamed technology...stating she never got my texts or messages.  Whatever.  I made nice...but I won't put myself in the same position again.  Nuff said.

We found out last week that because of the "Fiscal Cliff", Congress put the kabosh on Tier II unemployment benefits.  The benefits we were counting on from 12/29 - April.  So DH's benefits will cease 12/29/12.  Merry Christmas to us.  We will be able to "get by" with just my paycheck.  And by get by, I mean squeak through the month paying mortgage, utlities, kiddo's tuition and have $500 to split between groceries, gas for cars and any incidentals.  I know...I know.  We can do it.  It's possible.  It will be hard...but possible.  Thanks to the bankruptcy and not having $30K in debt looming over us. 

Rant - warning long and whiney

I'm posting this here because I can't post it on FB...

I'm so angry/hurt/pissed right now.  What would you do if your so called best friend, your sister from another mother, stood you up on Thanksgiving?  No calls, no texts...no responses to YOUR texts/calls/emails?  You KNOW she's not injured or dead somewhere, because she's posting on FB.

That is what I'm dealing with right now.

Here's the background story. 

October 20th - me, DH, B (her) and her husband J get together.  We discuss B and I getting together for my birthday.  Plans are made for the 22nd at 9am.  We also discuss them coming over for Thanksgiving.  They accept.

October 22nd 9am - Text B asking if we were still on for the day.  No reply.  11:30am.  Call B asking what's up?  No reply.  1:30pm Call B saying please call me.  No reply.  5:30pm - I receive a text from J saying they had been in the ER since 10am because B was in pain (she has fibro and 3 bad discs in her back).  OK...understand.  Frustrated that no one told me earlier...but whatevs.

November 6th - DH and J are playing in our poker league.  DH thinks he sees J stealing poker chips (again) makes a comment.  DH and J have words that night. 

November 13th - My week to play in our poker league.  I speak to J and agree that DH didn't handle the situation in the best manner.  He mentions that B thinks I'm mad at her about my birthday.  J and I square everything away and I commit to calling B the next day.

November 14th - Call B.  Send the below email when I get voice mail:
Since you're not taking my calls or returning my texts I figured email was the next best thing.

I don't know what happened to make you go radio silent these last few weeks. I wish you'd tell me. I've sent numerous texts with no reply.

If this is about my birthday...I'm not mad. I never was...ok I was...a little. I was upset that my calls to you that morning and my texts went unanswered and that it wasn't until 5pm that I finally knew what was going on. But once I got J's text about where you were, I wasn't mad anymore...a little frustrated that I didn't know sooner, but not mad.
If this is about what happened between J and C last week at poker...well, I can only comment on what C told me...and from what he told me...I think he was wrong. He should have either went to poker J privately, or pulled J aside privately. I don't agree with the way he handled it. But that's all I can say. I couldn't care less if J was or wasn't pocketing chips...it's FREE poker for crying out loud. It's not the WSOP.

Anyway, I know I've been busy too...stressed to the limit more like it. But that's an email for another day.

I wish you'd tell me what's going on. We've been friends for way too long to hold grudges against each other...

Love,
Me

She calls me right as I hit send.  Have heart to heart with her.  She was upset about the DH and J thing...I tell her she can't be upset with me over something DH said...plus I wasn't even present when it went down.  I also tell her that I wasn't mad about my birthday...that I was frustrated that they didn't let me know what was going on sooner...and that I waited home all day for her call.  She agrees that she should have called sooner.  We hang up on a great note.  She posts on my FB page that she was glad we talked and she loves me.  I reply I love her too.

November 19th - Get a text from J that they may not come for Thanksgiving because it would be awkward since DH and he haven't spoken for 2 weeks.

November 20th - DH's poker league week.  He and J speak and from what DH tells me, they worked everything out. 

November 21st - DH gets a text from J saying they are 50/50 because B is having a Fibro flare.  Text says they will let us know about Thanksgiving.

November 22nd - Thanksgiving.  I text J at 11am asking how B is doing.  No reply.  I text B at roughly 12pm...no reply.  At 1:15 I see B post a "Happy Thanksgiving" post on FB (says posted 2 minutes ago).  I call B.  No answer.  Leave message asking her to please call me and let me know about dinner and that I need to know if they are coming.  Dinner is at 3pm.  No calls, no texts, nothing.  DH texts J after dinner when he sees how upset I am.  No reply.  I send the below email to B at roughly 9pm...

Hi. First, I want to say that I hope you are feeling well. Second, I want to say that I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
That being said...I am so unbelievably hurt right now. After we talked last week and I explained to you why I was upset on my birthday. That the ONE thing that upset me was that you didn't call to let me know what was going on. That a call to explain what was happening would have been enough. But yet the same thing happened today. I texted you, I called you. No response. Even though I called/texted within minutes of you posting on Facebook...so I knew you weren't sleeping, or that your battery wasn't dead.

I think of you as family...as my sister from another mother. I invited you to my family dinner...but yet you didn't show. You didn't call. That hurt.

I don't even know what to think right now...my heart hurts too much.
To date, I have not received any replies.  No explanation as to what happened...why they didn't come.  She's since ceased posting on my wall on FB and "liking" things I post.  

So, this is a long winded way of asking...do I cut my losses?  We've been friends since 1990!  I'm torn and heartbroken at the same time.  It's supposed to be my night at our poker league...but I'm not going, DH is going in my place.  I don't want to see J because I might break out in tears.  I'm also afraid of getting a call from the local PD that J and DH got into a fight and I have to come bail him out. 

B and I have a long history together.  22 years of friendship...

Kim, I now know what you must have felt like last year when you were dealing with your issues. 

Done

It's done.  We are officially the 44,936th bankruptcy case in our district.

This is going to sound really bad...but I'm SO glad.  Don't get me wrong...I'm sad that things got to this point.  I'm upset that we weren't in a better position to pay back our debts.  We tried.  We were on a consolidation plan for the last 12 months.  We cut back everywhere we could.  We just weren't able to make ends meet anymore.  Our savings is gone and we have to do what's best for our family.  Unfortunately, this was our best option.  We don't have any equity in our house, so our home is exempt.  Our cars are all old (1997 & 2005), so they are exempt.  We own nothing of value that our attorney believes the trustees would make us sell.   It was sad to see the state of our finances all on paper.  Our "means" test gave us $11 a month in disposable income.  But I'm happy that we will be able to start with a clean slate.  It's a huge stressor that's been lifted.  Obviously, we still need to meet with the trustee and wait for the discharge, but the phone calls will stop.  The letters will stop.  Maybe I can sleep at night again. 

Updates

• Lexi still hasn't slept a full night in her own bed.  We've moved the toddler bed into our room so that when she wakes at night she comes in and climbs into the bed...mostly without waking us.  There are some nights she walks into our room by 10pm and others where it's 2 or 3am before she comes in.  She always starts in her room, in her bed...but always ends up in the toddler bed.  Any advice?  Should we just let her continue and eventually she'll sleep through?
• We're going today to file our Chapter 7 bankruptcy.  I'm sad and nervous, yet relieved at the same time. 
• I'm hosting Thanksgiving again this year.  I have to keep my eye on the calendar so I take the turkey out of the freezer on time.  He needs to be thawed by Wednesday so he can brine overnight.  Saturday is my "take out turkey day"!
• I'm also hosting Christmas again.  My sister is coming in from VA with her BF, but not until 2 days after Christmas.  My mom is not pleased and is making things difficult for me.  But I will not let it ruin my holidays.
• I have no idea what to write down on my Christmas grab bag list.  We decided on a $50 limit...but I have no clue what I want.  I know what I NEED...so those things may make the list.  Things like a new pair of shoes, jeans etc.
• Though I've been really wanting a facial...I had told DH that when I get my check for working the election I was going to use it for a facial...maybe I'll save it and put a facial on my list.
• Lexi's gifts are pretty much done.  Have been since August.  There might be one or two other things I pick up...but it's going to be a tight year.

2 years

and it feels like just yesterday.   Today, I'm thinking of you, sweet Baby.  I love you...and I miss you everyday.

Down this road

We met with a Bankruptcy attorney on Friday.  We will be filing Chapter 7 as soon as we come up with the $1350 in costs to file.  The attorney was VERY nice.  I had thought I'd feel like he was judging us...or looking down on us.  But in fact, he made me feel the opposite.  He made me feel like this was a good option for us, given what we have in debts.  That we shouldn't be ashamed that it's come to this.  I'm still not happy that things have gone this way...but it's a HUGE stress relief knowing that I won't have these bills hovering over me anymore.  That our creditors won't be able to call us and harass us.  Though it does go against everything I've learned to NOT pay our creditors...but that was his advice.  Stop paying, save the money to come up with our filing fees, and file.

We're also looking into a loan modification for our mortgage. 

This is a hard road to be on...very rocky and uncertain for us.  But we're trying to remain in the center of the road so we don't fall off the sides.

Hiatus

I took an unexpected blogging hiatus this past month...because things have been stressful.

Long time readers know that DH and I have had our issues.  We've been in counseling once a week since January.  Things would be good for awhile...then we'd get into an argument and things would explode into an all out shouting match...complete with divorce threats.  Things have been much better lately as we try to implement some of the things we've learned in our sessions.  Our finances, however, remain our stressor.

DH is still not working.  It's been 10 months.  Unless something changes, his unemployment will cease in December.  We're squeaking by every month thanks to being "private" clients at our Bank...which means no OD fees when (not if) we fall short, which has been alot lately.  All our bills are current, but our savings is gone.  We have a little money set aside for things for Lexi for school...like the book fair or popcorn day...so she can take $2 or $3 and take part in the activity.  We've pulled her out of her daycare, which she was only going one day a week anyway, but she misses her friends at "little school" and doesn't understand why she can't go anymore. 

We have 2 appointments tomorrow with bankruptcy attorneys for their free consultations.  We don't want to go down this route...but we may not have any other option. 

Sleep issues

We have been having problems the last 3 weeks with Lexi going to bed.   Previously, we would put her to bed and she'd happily read her books or play with her Tigger until she fell asleep.  About the time she started PreSchool, she also started not going to bed easily.  She'll scream and cry in terror.  We've resorted to having almost every light in her room on at night because she's afraid TERRIFIED of something.  But she's not able to articulate what it is that she's afraid of.  Often telling us she's afraid of the pictures on the walls, the rocking chair, the hamper etc.  I often sit right outside her open bedroom door until she falls asleep...DH doesn't.  He gives her 2 options on his night...go to bed, or get spanked.  She chooses to go to bed...but will get up frequently in the middle of the night.  When this happens, I take her in the guest bedroom, where she sleeps in her old toddler bed and I sleep in the guest bed. 

DH hates this.  He thinks I'm coddling her and that she's manipulating me.  Last night, he got up with her and told her to go back to bed or he'd spank her.  She was crying that terrified cry...and calling for me.  It broke my heart.  I expressed that I was heartbroken by her calls...and he said "well then go to her".  So I did...took her in the other room...where she went to bed.  DH was livid with me.  Saying I undermined him.  I guess you could say I did...but only after he said to go to her.

Anyway, anyone have any advice on the sleep issue?  I'm thinking that she's feeling pressured to be a "big girl", with school starting etc and is regressing.  DH thinks she's doing it on purpose so that she can sleep in the room with me.  I just want her to sleep when she needs to, and not to be so afraid. 

Finished

I've posted before that I wanted to make a quilt out of Lexi's baby clothes...but I wanted to practice before I started cutting up those precious itty bitties.  So I started about 3 weeks ago and made a small quilt.  It's about 32" x 32" and is the perfect size for a tummy time mat.  This will be given to a pregnant friend of mine.  I have to say, I think it turned out wonderfully!  There are obvious visibile mistakes, but it's my first time doing ANY kind of sewing project more laborsome than sewing on a button.  If I could go back and do things different...I would have made sure my seams were spot on...I didn't realize how much a 1/4 inch can throw things off.  I also would have used purple thread to quilt it instead of the white.  But in all, I'm proud of it. 

I have one more practice quilt for another pregnant friend.  Then I MIGHT be brave enough to cut up Lexi's clothes. 

First Day

Today was/is Lexi's first day of Preschool.  We've had meetings all week to get ready for the big day.  Monday was a Meet and Greet at her school.  Tuesday was a parent meeting.  Yesterday was parent/teacher conference.  So we've been talking up school to her for awhile.

Nothing could have prepared me for the wave of emotion I felt as she walked into that building.  My baby isn't a baby anymore.  She's an intelligent, well rounded little girl.  And I know she'll kick butt today!  Even if mommy was teary.

Modeling, part duex

I had responded back to the agency last week that yes we were still interested and no we hadn't signed with anyone else.  I received the below email this morning...

Thank you for your submission to XXX's Talent Agency Print Department and your request for representation. A response back to this address within 24 hours is suggested. We are very glad to see that you submitted and would like to reconsider Alexis after her look and presentation is developed further. However, at this time you did not submit adequate, professional material that our agency and the model/talent Industry requires-a composite card. The photos you submitted were perfect to raise our interest as a first step to begin this process, but In order to be strongly considered for a professional's audition with us, it is necessary to obtain up-to-date materials (NOT snapshots, studio portraits or amateur portfolio shots, shots by friends, family, students, cell phones, etc) that are marketable and meet industry guidelines. It is important for a new face to show strong camera presence in this "specific" industry-styled shoot so we can best evaluate if they are right for our roster and compare to other talent we currently represent. Being that you appear new and very serious about this, most parents prefer we refer them to a fashion/lifestyle photographer who is reliable and of quality. Would you like me to refer you to someone that we trust who can assist you with this development so we can reconsider Alexis or would you prefer to pursue this on your own and submit back to us when your new industry-necessary material is complete?  Please email back to this address within the next 24 hours and let me know if I can help point you in the right direction, answer some brief questions or if you received this email.

So they liked her...but want us to get a composite card done.  I have no idea how much something like that would cost.  Guess I'll be doing some research.

Modeling

On a whim, I submitted the below photo of Lexi to a child's talent agency in our city via their website. 

Their site said I would be contacted via email if they are interested in meeting her.  That was 5 weeks ago.  This morning, I pulled up my email to find an email from the talent agency.  It was basically asking for confirmation that we hadn't been signed with another agency and that we were still interested. 

Last time I submitted her photo to this agency, when she was 12 weeks old, I got the standard "thanks for your submission, but no thanks" reply.  So I'm not sure what to make of this email.  I replied back that no, we haven't signed with anyone else, and yes, we're still interested. 

I don't want Lexi to become one of those "toddler and tiara" kids.  I want her to be a regular kid.  I'd only go for print work and things that wouldn't interfere with school.  This agency works with K0hls alot, so those pictures in the K0hls papers you see of the kids...yea, those come from this agency.  It would be nice to pad her college fund.

What are your thoughts on child modeling?  Would you let your kid?

First haircut

Lexi was blessed to have a full head of hair at birth...and it never fell out.  I love her hair...it's blond and curly.  But the ends of her hair...her original baby hair...was so tight in it's curl that it made combing it a horrible experience every morning.  I've known that it needed to be cut.  That we needed to get rid of the tight curls that made our mornings painful (quite literally for her).  But I couldn't do it.  Those locks had been with her since before she entered this world. (You can see her hair in ultrasound photos) 

Last Sunday, I had my mom, a registered cosmetologist, bring her scissors, and we did it.  Lexi was NOT a fan...she was unhappy that we were cutting her hair...but the promise of chocolate cake when we were done was enough to get her to sit still...sobbing, but still. 

In all, only about an inch was cut off...but already, this morning, it was evident that we did the right thing.  It was so much easier to comb this morning.  We actually had no tears.  I have that first lock that was snipped off...to put in her baby book.  I just can't believe we've gotten to the point of haircuts!

3-3-3-3

I was looking at my sidebar and realized that today Lexi is 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days old...weird!

I've been reminicing alot lately.  Probably because of all the cleaning out I've been doing.  But part of me loves to share my memories with Lexi.  And lately, she's been all about hearing them.  I have 2 picture albums, one in my room, and one in hers, of pictures of her as a baby.  The album in her room are just the pictures taken by the hospital...the one in my room has lots of pictures.  When she was just born, the first time I held her.  Heck, I think there is a picture of the first time everyone held her.  Pictures of her as she grew...the first time we left her with her Grandma (we went to a baseball game...we had tickets and I was supposed to still be pregnant!)...her Christening etc.  She has been asking lately to see her "borning book" as she calls it.  And loves to hear about her birth and how everyone came to see her. 

I think I'll have to get some of those photo books made for her...if anyone knows of any discount codes, please share!

Virtual Garage Sale?

Anyone ever had a virtual garage sale? 

I'm selling all of my baby stuff:

Girls clothes (sizes preemie - 24 months)
Shoes
Coats/Snowsuits
Socks
Bedding
Bottles (have glass bottles that have never been used)
crib/car seat/stroller netting (kind to keep bugs out)
much much more!

Would love for things to go to a fellow IF'er who needs it.

Family Visit

We had some family visit from PA this past weekend.  They arrived on Friday evening and left yesterday morning.  It was DH's cousin D, her husband C, and their little boy, M.  M turned 2 in April...and this is the first time we've met him.  D is familiar with the pangs of infertility...she and C tried for years to have a baby...only to have M "dropped" in their laps.  A friend of theirs knew someone who was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption...and once they met, the rest is history!  They are so grateful. 

Anyway, Saturday we had a party to go to!  Lexi's other cousin Connor turned 4...and they had a bumper bowling party! 



Bowling balls that look like pumpkins!



Sunday we spent the day at Babcia and Dziadzia's swimming in the pool

Eating apples of the tree

Needing naps!



Though Lexi was the only one that caught zzz's

Sunday we went to the Shedd Aquarium

My little penguin



Jelly Fish!



Finally got a picture of both of them looking at the camera...on the last morning.



Cousin kisses!



Blogger Issues

For some reason Blogger messed up my template and layout and I can't figure out how to change it back...I'm html illiterate...anyone with suggestions??

Purging

Our marriage counselor suggested in our last session that I might want to consider "moving" the old baby stuff out of Lexi's room and into the basement so that I'm not bombarded with it everyday (it was all in her huge walk in closet).  Yesterday, I started the purge with DH.  I had 8 totes of clothes to go through.  Separating them by sleepers, dresses, sets, onesies and separates.  Saving the items that brought back the most emotion and memories.  I have a tote of bottles and feeding paraphernalia.  I have a garbage bag of coats and snowsuits.  A bag of receiving blankets and crib sheets.  A bag with the original crib bedding and bumpers.  A bag of socks.  A bag of shoes.  A tote of miscellaneous items like mobiles and stroller netting.

I have one medium sized cardboard box filled with the items I want to keep and make into a quilt.  It was easy to choose the items I wanted to keep.  Just seeing an outfit brought back the memories of the tiny 6lb bundle we brought home from the hospital.  The little girl who was 4 weeks early and so small that she didn't fit into any of the 0-3 month clothes we had on hand.  The shopping trip to get preemie and newborn sized clothing that followed her birth.  The familiarness of late night TV because of the sleepless nights that followed.  Those were the same nights I would gaze at her in awe as some obscure program lightened the room.  I couldn't, and still can't, believe she was mine.

I was in her room until after 9pm last night.  It got emotional at times.  Many tears were shed for the babies that aren't here...will never be here.  Going through the tiny clothes was harder than I thought it would be...but the larger sizes were easier. 

This morning DH is making space in the basement that will be designated for "sell".  Either via that famous "list" or garage sale.  All those totes will join that space.  Along with the pack n plays, high chairs and swing.  And when I'm ready, pictures will be put on the "list" and an ad will go out for a garage sale. 

My baby isn't a baby anymore.  And I have to come to terms that there will never be another baby. 

Quilt/blanket

I am going through all of Lexi's old clothes...and I mean ALL of them.  I still have every piece of clothing she ever had.  I'm pulling out items that trigger memories or that I particularly loved.  The rest is being garage saled.  But the items I'm keeping...I want to make into a blanket or quilt...does anyone know how to do this...or do you know someone that does this?

Saving

I'm having a hard time finding areas to cut back on in our life.  Maybe it's me. 

We had 3 cars.  No car payments.  1997 Ford F-150 (DH's daily), 2005 Ford Escape (my daily and our weekender), 1991 Ford Mustang (DH's toy).  Yesterday, DH sold the Mustang.  It wasn't practical.  We can't all fit in it, well, we can't all fit in his truck either, but that's another story.  So we don't have "new" cars.  My car has 120K miles on it already.

Food - I already shop at the A L D I by me for most things...the rest I get at the Wally Mart.  And by rest I mean deli meat and cheese for the most part and the occasional snack food that the discount store doesn't carry.  A L D I doesn't accept coupons...but I do use them at Wally's when I am buying something that I have a coupon for. 

Household items - Things like toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent and the like I buy at Tarjay.  I use the RedCard to get 5% off and any coupons I managed to find.  My RedCard is the debit kind...not a credit card.  I buy generic whenever possible.

Entertainment - We don't go out.  I take that back, we do play in a FREE poker league every Tuesday.  We wind up spending about $30 for dinner for the 3 of us...when we don't have a gift card.  See, the 1st and 2nd place prizes are gift cards to the establishment.  We usually have a gift card.  When we do go see a movie, we make sure it's a matinee...we took Lexi to see Brave last Friday.  We went to the 9:55am showing...the first showings of the day are usually deeply discounted.  So it cost us $15.  We took our own popcorn...and did buy a soda.   Any other times DH and I go ourselves, which is hardly ever, we go because we have free passes.  We have a zoo membership ($108 annual) that we bought last year, so we're able to go to the zoo for free. 

Cell Phones - This I'm looking into.  We are on the cheapest family plan right now...and we've signed up for all the "qualifiers" that get us 5% off our bill (e statements, auto debit etc).  But we might be able to cut this more.  Right now our bill is $150 total for both our lines. 

Internet/Cable - This is the hard one.  We have AT&T.  We've cut our movie channels and HD service.  We have basic cable.  We have basic Internet (which I need to work from home).  We do have a home land line and a business line I use for work.  The home land line we may be able to cut...but I have to look into the bundle and make sure cutting it doesn't increase the cost of the business line.  I can't cut the business line. 

Clothing - DH and I wear the same clothes we've worn for the last 5 years.  Lexi gets new clothes as she grows out of the ones she has (though she's still wearing some 18 month size pj's because hey, they fit).  But I go to the second hand store for them.  Shoes are another story.  She has 3 pairs right now.  Gym shoes, sandals, and a pair of "nice" shoes.  But her feet grow like weeds.

What other areas am I missing?  There may be things that seem obvious that I'm not thinking about...

Not happening

Well, the Tarjay second job isn't going to happen.  It's a 3am start time.  I start work now between 7 and 8.  I am not a morning person...but the biggest reason is that it would be 3-8...which means I'd be "late" for my "real" job.  Not putting my "real" job in jeopardy for an $8/hour job. 

So we're back to square one.  We will be cutting our cable service to the very basic...I can't get rid of internet as I need it to work.  I could get rid of our land line phone...but I still need the other land line for work...

Anyone have any suggestions for cost cutting? 

A second job?

I'm sure I've mentioned that DH is out of work.  Has been since December 14th.  He recently had to go to the unemployment office to "reup" for the federal extension of his benefits.  I can't believe he's been out of work for 6 months already.  We have 6 months of benefits left.  And I feel the clock ticking...if the last 6 months have gone by as quickly as they did, I can only imagine how the next 6 will fly by.

Things have been ok for us financially, but that's about to change.  See, the beginning of the year brings tax refunds and bonuses.  Which were used to help pay the expenses.  That money is pretty much gone now...along with what little savings we had.  Things are about to become tighter than we'd like. Don't get me wrong, we don't buy frivulously...the playset and pool for Lexi were thouroughly researched.  The playset was a steal find on Craigslist...and the pool...well, we were planning on putting her in swim lessons.  It was budgeted for.  Once a week for 8 weeks...the cost was $65.  $65 for 360 minutes of swim time.  The pool cost us $150...well about $250 once you add in chemicals and hoses and other necessary items to keep said pool clean and bacteria free.  $250 for unlimited pool enjoyment.  $185 more than we planned to spend.  But we knew it was a better "spend" in the long run than the lessons that were really glorified play time.  Plus DH and I could enjoy it as well.

Anyway, back on track...things are about to become much tighter.  On a whim, I applied online on Wednesday to the red bullet store.  They called me yesterday.  I called back this morning and they want to setup an interview with me.

I don't know yet how I really feel about working a full time job, and a part time job together, while DH doesn't work.  He IS trying.  He's had a few possibilities...but they are either full time jobs making way less than he is getting in unemployment (which means we wouldn't make ends meet) or they are part time positions making just over the minimum amount allowed by unemployment to keep his benefits.    I work my full time job until 4:30 or 5ish from home.  I put on the application that I could work 6-10pm on weeknights and anytime on weekends, but that I was looking for only about 15-20 hours a week.  I want what is best for our family.  The extra money would help...as would the associate discount!  But I'm conflicted.  Thoughts?

Happy 1st Birthday Little One

Dear Baby,

You should be turning one year old this week.
You should be playing in the pool with your big sister. 
You should be starting to walk and babble. 
You should be smiling a not so gummy smile.
We should be planning a party for you.
I should be ordering a cake.
But none of these things are happening. 
I fear that I'm the only one thinking of you, and wishing you were here.

Mommy loves you little one.

Happy 1st Birthday...whereever you are. 

Where she asks "the" question.

Lexi has been very inquisitive lately...asking lots of questions.  Which is fine.  Until one caught me off guard. 

She asked me when she was going to get a brother or sister.

I had to fight to keep my composure as I told her that I didn't know as I tried to distract her with other things.  10 minutes later I was able to retreat into my bedroom and let the tears flow.  This was the question I had been dreading.  She LOVES playing with other kids and is ENTRANCED with babies.  It breaks my heart even more knowing I can't give her this.  Not because I don't want to...but because my body betrays me. 

What we've been up to

• Mother's Day was nice.  I had breakfast in bed, courtesy of DH and Lexi.  We did dinner with our parents at our favorite BBQ joint named after a Famous Man.
• We bought a pool.  Our HOA doesn't allow for permanent above ground pools, so we bought one of those Summer Escapes metal frame ones that comes down each year.  We put it on the side of the house behind the garage.  There was no grass there anyway, and it was the most level spot.
• Lexi has already been in said pool, despite the water being ice cold
• We are fostering a dog.  Our local Humane Society put a call out to their FB fans looking for a foster home for an Australian Shepherd that was in a kill shelter in Southern IL.  The Humane Society wanted to save him, but had no room for him.  Plus, he's heartworm positive.  So we offiered.  I couldn't have lived with myself knowing a poor animal would be killed and I had means to help.
• This dog is AWESOME.  His name is Sammy and he's SO good.  He gets along with my 2 other dogs, and is GREAT with Lexi.  He listens well and hasn't gotten into any trouble (yet).  Plus, he's beautiful!
• I wish we could keep him...but DH is adamant that we can't have 3 dogs permenantly in our home. 

Making new friends

I need some advice...how do you go about making new friends? 

My DH and I have always been involved in a large social circle...the problem is, no one in that social circle has children.  And apart from one couple, our relationships have become quite strained.  We aren't able to go out on a moments notice...and when we do take Lexi with us, we call it an early night to get her to bed at a reasonable time.  These aren't bad people...they just can't empathize with our situation since they do not have kids. 

DH and I talked about needing to find friends that have kids, or more friends like the one couple...who take Lexi into consideration when maiking plans with us.  I'm not saying everyone has to bend to our wishes...but having someone who understands that you can't call me at 7pm and want to meet up at 8pm.  But we're at a loss for how to do that. 

Lexi is in daycare only one day a week...so we don't meet the other parents.  She's in ice skating...but DH takes her.  I work full time from home.  I've tried joining Moms groups...but they all meet during the day, and I'm working. 

We do hopefully have one prospect...we ran into a guy we play poker with.  He was with his wife and 4 year old daughter.  The girls hit it off immediately, playing all over the seasonal department in Wallymart.  His wife was really nice as well, and we got along.  We exchanged phone numbers in the hopes to setup playdates for the girls.  Now I'm faced with: how soon is too soon to ask for a playdate?  Lexi asked about her new friend Zoe today and wanted to go see her. 

My child is starving for more childhood friends...just like her momma is starving for more momma friends.  Here...where I live.  I know I have all my bloggy friends...and I wish you all lived closer.  Just feeling ho hum today I guess.

PreSchool

Lexi had her PreSchool screening this morning for our district preschool.  There are many private preschools in the area, but only one of the public district's schools offers a preschool program.  Our reasons for wanting to send her to the public school range from getting the most from our tax dollars to having her start school in the same building that she would attend K-3 in to it being one of the better programs in the area. 

She scored at age appropriate and qualified for the community program (what we hoped for).  Since we originally started this process in January 2011, I'm hoping that we'll be lucky enough to get a morning session spot (8:35am - 11:05am) since she naps from 1:30 - 3:30 most days and afternoon session is 12:35pm - 3:05pm.  She will go Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursdays. 

I can't believe we're at a point already of determining schools.  Now we have to determine if we want to keep her in her daycare on Mondays or figure out another arrangement. 

3 year well visit

More for my sake than anyone else's.

Lexi had her 3 year well visit yesterday:

Height: 37 inches (45th percentile)
Weight 28lbs 6oz (20th percentile)

Pedi is not worried about her itty bittiness (seriously...she is wearing size 18 months shorts from last summer) but to make sure her diet is quality...not quantity.  Which we knew already.  No shots given (yay!).

After the pedi visit we stopped at a used sporting goods store and bought Lexi a pair of ice skates.  We then went to open skate at our local ice arena where she skated for the whole 90 minutes of open skate.  If you know me on FB...you've seen the video...but I'll post photos as soon as I can get the camera cord.

Allowances for toddlers?

Lexi has chores that she has to do mostly on a daily basis.  Some of them are "expected" things...like putting her clothes in her hamper, brushing her teeth, and throwing her garbage in the can.  But she also does things that aren't "expected"...like feeding the dogs, helping unload the dishwasher, and helping with laundry. 

Today, I asked her to feed the dogs.  She did so...with only my verbal guidance on the steps.  I gave her 2 quarters afterwards and told her that this was her "payment" for doing her job.  She was so happy to get those quarters (she uses quarters when we go to the mall to ride in those little rides they have) and immediately put them in her "purse". 

My question is...do you think it's too early to introduce an allowance?  I mean, she is only 3...but then again, I don't think that it's ever too early to teach a child the value of money.  What are your experiences/thoughts on the subject?

Happy Birthday Baby!

Dearest Lexi,

Happy 3rd Birthday sweetheart!  You are definitely not a baby anymore...and you tell us almost everyday!  At 3 years old you are:

Potty Trained!  Yep...I never would have believed that potty training would be so easy...but when we decided to go for it, you were 100% on board and ready.  You had one accident that first Saturday and 2 at school that first Monday and that's all.  No daytime accidents since the beginning of February.  And for the last 3 weeks, you've woken up dry every morning and from every nap.  It's almost like you were waiting for Mommy to get with the program.  We've given JP (your neighbor friend) all the rest of your Pull Ups and diapers...so there are no more left in the house.  It still amazes me every day to see you picking out your big girl underwear from your dresser to put on.

You can mainly dress yourself.  You pick your underwear and shirts, while Mommy usually picks your bottoms...though that's only because the weather has been wacky and I want to make sure you wear weather appropriate clothes.  You can get your pants on by yourself...but still have trouble with your shirts.  Socks you always ask for help with, but I think that's laziness on your part and not lack of skill.  You zip your zippers and can almost get the snaps...buttons we're still working on.  Shoes are easy for you.  Though the lack of laces or buckles helps.

Your hair is amazingly long.  The curls make it look shorter than it actually is.  We only ever get to see how long it really is during your bath while it's wet.  It comes down to your butt!  But when dry, it's just past your shoulders.  It's staying blond for now...and I know it will get lighter with the sun...so I'm happy about that.  It suits you.

Your vocabulary has exploded.  You are a chatterbox and will hold entire conversations with us.  I love when you say things are "delicious" and "tasty" though the word "disgusting" sounds hilarious coming out of your little mouth.  You pick up everything we say and understand more than we know. 

You know left from right...all your ABC's...can count to 25...know all your body parts (yes, even those down yonder)...but colors seem to give you difficulty.  If I ask you to point to the "yellow" car you will.  But if I ask you what color car is in my hand you will always say "green".  You can match your colors, but not tell me what colors they are.  We will have to keep working on that.  You know your first and last name, your birthday and the street you live on.  You sometimes forget which number house, but we're just getting started on that.  You know Mommy's name and Daddy's name...as well as Grandma and Grandpa's.  Basia and JaJa's names are still giving you pause...most likely because they are longer ethnic names.

You love crafting.  You have a box full of markers, crayons, colored pencils, scissors, glue, foam stickers as well as a folder full of construction paper.  You love making maps and pictures for everyone.  I have a whole box full of your art projects from school, so I tend to give away some of the home art projects to family.

Speaking of school...you love going to "school" (daycare) every Monday.  You speak highly of playing with your friends and teachers.  I'm hoping this fondness will carry over to preschool this fall! 

You are so lovable.  Your hugs and kisses are sweet and your laughter infectious.  You love to be my "helper" with whatever it is I'm doing at the moment.  And I try to oblige by letting you help.  You feed the dogs, and water the plants. 

Your manners are also something I'm really proud of.  You regularly use "please" and "thank-you"...even to strangers.  "Excuse me" is a norm when you burp or fart...though that's usually followed by a burst of giggles.  You are willing to share with others...and call people by "Mister (insert name) or Missus (insert name)". 

Everybody loves you, Lexi.  But no one more than Mommy.  There is a reason you don't go to bed without hearing me tell you "I Love You" every nap or bedtime.  I want you to know how much you are loved.  I want you to feel it, in my actions, and I want you to hear it.  I want you to know that there is nothing wrong with expressing how you feel...especially expressing how much you love someone.  So I tell you...all the time.  And it melts my heart to have you run up to me and say "Oh Mommy, I missed you so much today.  I love you". 

I love you more and more each day.

Love,

Mommy

In 5 days...

my baby turns 3.  When did this...

grow into this...

Mind dump

• Please don't misconstue my previous post as a plea for comments.  I'm very content with what I get...I would love to find new people to read...and commenters are usually where I start...but I am content.  As I said, I write for me...and for Lexi.
• It's been really warm here the last 5 days.  Hitting records warm.  We've been trying to take advantage of it.  We took Lexi to the zoo on Saturday and spent the day outside almost every other day this week.  Going to playgrounds, the park district pool etc. 
• Yesterday I trimmed back the spireas we have in the front of our house.  My arms are all scratched up from the branches...and I have mosquito bites.  In March.  Wow.
• Lexi had her 3 year old pictures taken on Friday...as well as her Easter ones.  I left the CD at my in-laws...so I will post some later. 
• Both dogs got baths on Friday night.  I took them to a self service pet wash one at a time.  They were filthy...and smelly.  Now they are soft and don't smell of mud and other things that are in the lawn.
• Lexi is signed up for a tumbling class and ice skating class in the next few weeks.  She's so excited about the ice skating class...I couldn't enroll her before because she wasn't potty trained. 
• With this warmer weather we've been having I've had to pull out some of Lexi's shorts from last summer.  One pair of capri's fits her perfectly...they are size 18 months.  Yes, my almost 3 year old is wearing 18 month shorts and capris...and 4T shirts
• I ordered a birthday shirt from Etsy for her.  It should come in the mail this week as it was shipped on Thursday.  I will post photos as well as the shop owner's link once I get the shirt.  I'm so excited!

My thoughts on the recent upheaval

There has been alot of talk going on in the blogging community about inculsion/exclusion and blogrolls and such.  And I wanted to throw my two cents out there.

I blog for me.  I started this blog almost 5 years ago as a way to vent my frustrations with our struggles...a way to document everything that we went through.  I have been a TTC blogger...a pregnancy blogger...a parenting blogger (I cringe at the term mommy blogger)...a pregnancy loss blogger.  I've moved in and out of these topics here...I haven't deviated from this space except for one situation which I didn't think my daughter needed to read about later in life.  See, this blog was also meant for her.  Or, for whatever future children I had, if any.  It was meant as a way for my children to understand why their mom was crazy protective of them...why they never went to bed without saying I love you.  I had hoped that one day, I could pass this link on to them, and they could read what my life was like before them.  While I was pregnant with them.  While they were babies.  Etc, Etc, Etc.

While doing this, I found some really wonderful people who were at the same stage I was.  Most of the people I still follow have children who were born right around the time my daughter was...and some have just had recent additions.  Most of the people I follow, I now know on other social media sites as well.  I talk to them on Facebook, or via email, or via Google Talk.  They are people that I've never met in person...but who I consider my friends.  Who I cry with, marvel with...I'm happy when they have momentous moments...and feel their frustrations when things don't pan out they way they'd hoped.  These blogs I comment freely on. 

But there are also the people that I follow that haven't had their miracle yet.  That don't know if they will ever have their miracle.  I cry with them and feel their sadness through their words.  I can empathize with them, because I know how it feels to want something so badly, and not know if you will ever get there.  But I will be honest and say that I don't comment as freely.  And it hurts my heart to admit that.  To know that these are the people who might need support more than ever, and not feel like I can freely tell them that I feel their pain.  Because I have my miracle.  I have what they are trying for...or what they lost. 

I don't participate in things like ICLW or NaBloMoPo because I don't want someone who is hurting to come across my blog ranting about the pains of potty training or the woes of a toddler that doesn't want to eat and feel more pain.  Perhaps that is a judgement on my part...that they wouldn't want to read my ranting...but I know I didn't want to read about that before I had my daughter.  So I choose to exclude myself from those activities...and by doing so, I lose the possibility of finding NEW readers who are in the same place as me...of discovering NEW friends.

So I find myself wondering sometimes why I continue to post here.  I don't receive but maybe 1 or 2 comments per post...if I'm lucky.  But then I look at my daughter and realize that I post here for her.  So she has a history of her life from her mom's perspective.  So she can look back when she's a mom herself, or when I'm gone, and know that she's not alone...that her mom loves her more than anything and chose to put it out for all the world to see.  To shout from the pages of this blog that she is important.  I blog for her.  I blog for me. 

Food explosion

I wanted to capture this last week...as Lexi seems to have had an epiphany...that there is more food out there than mac n cheese.  In this past week she's had:

Meatballs with her spaghetti (could NEVER even THINK of putting a meatball on her plate)
Garlic bread
Fish sticks (specifically requested by her)
Fried calamari (yes, I know, fried foods aren't great for a toddler, but you don't realize how little she eats...so the fact she ate this is a feat)
Fried broccoli
Steak
about a pound of steamed broccoli
Sweet potato tater tots
Lettuce with ranch dressing
chicken wing

We've eaten out alot this past week...mostly because we were sick over the weekend and didn't grocery shop.  Normally all she wants is mac n cheese.  But she's trying new things...which I'm so happy about.  We would always offer her whatever we had on our plates, but she always fought it.  Now, we can't keep her hands off our plates.  You have no idea how happy this makes me. 

**Lexi is only 27 pounds at 5 weeks shy of 3 years old.  She's not underweight by any means...but she's at the low end of the growth curve for her height of over 36 inches.  She needs size 3T length in jeans...but they literally fall off her.  I buy the adjustable waist, and cinch them all the way to the last button holes.  Even then they are big...but at least they don't fall down.  And now, since she doesn't wear training pants or a diaper, they are even bigger.  She needs suspenders!

I'm hoping this new found love of food adds a pound or two to her tiny frame!

Countdown to 3

I can't believe a month went by without so much as another post from me.  So much for keeping up with things. 

I'm calling it.  Lexi is potty trained.  She hasn't had a day time accident since that first weekend we started the "hard core" training...almost 4 weeks ago...she wakes from nap times dry and most mornings are dry as well.  Though we've still been having her wear a pull up over her undies to bed at night.  We call them her "just in case" undies.  And she knows that she's not to just go in them...that they are there in case she doesn't wake up or doesn't make it to the potty in time in the middle of the night.  She's not even wearing the thicker training pants anymore...preferring the normal underwear...it's still amazing to me to see those tiny undies in the wash!  I'm so unbelievably proud of her...and grateful that this was "easy" for her.

We're also in the middle of planning her 3rd birthday party.  OMG!  Where has 3 years gone??  We're most likely doing 2 parties...one "kid" party and one family party.  The kid party is going to be her cousins and maybe the girls next door.  Lexi chose a pool party at the indoor pool nearby.  It's fairly inexpensive and they do structured activities with the kids in the shallow end of the pool (2ft)...plus provide pizza and pop.  So I don't have to worry about 8 kids running around my house.  Then we'll do a family dinner...both grandparents and her auntie who is coming in from VA.  Nice and laid back. 

I have to say...I'm missing her babyhood a little.  She's so independent and opinionated (like me!).  She's spunky and bright.  We take her to our poker league and everyone just eats her up.  And she loves the attention.  She's so well behaved that I have to remind myself sometimes that she is only 2...especially when she does 2 year old things (like draw on her face with markers...if you know me on FB you saw it!).  She is very mature for her age and I keep waiting for the terrible 2s or even the torturous 3s.  But she's patient and willing to compromise like no other toddler I know.  I know how lucky I am...and I thank the good Lord above everyday for blessing me with the miracle that is Lexi.

Potty Training

We've never really pushed Lexi to potty train.  The potty was introduced to her at about 18 months old.  She'd sit on it and read her books...but we never forced the issue.  About a month or so ago, she became #2 trained.  She would always make poo poo on the potty...either because she asked to go, or we caught her with "the look" and got her on the potty in time.  It's been quite awhile since we've dealt with a dirty diaper.  But still, we never pushed her to use it.  Over the last few weeks, however, we've seen some signs that maybe she was ready for a "push". 

On Saturday morning I decided to go for it.  Hard core.  No more diapers.  She stayed dry all day...and made potty in the potty.  She had an accident about 7pm...and was quite upset about it.  Yesterday, same thing.  Dry all day.  She refused to put a pull up on last night.  She wanted her "big girl underwear".  I didn't want to confuse her, so I let her wear her underwear to bed, fully expecting to be woken up at 2am when she was wet.  She woke up at 8am...completely dry.

She's at school today.  And I took 3 extra pairs of underwear and pants and socks...just in case.  We'll see how well she does.  But I'm in shock.  ONE accident...in 2 full days.  And we even went out to a few stores on Saturday.  Makes me feel a little bad...that maybe she was ready all along and just waiting for me to "be ready" for this grow up stage.  I do feel a little sad that she's growing up...and so fast...but I will NOT miss buying diapers. 

One question I do have for everyone...how does your little one get up on the potty?  We haven't been able to find a stepstool that is the "perfect" height.  One is too tall and one is too small.  

The Wonder of Disney

After having slept yesterday until 10am, and napping for 2 hours in the afternoon...the fever was pretty much gone.  She still had a cough...but we made the decision to take Lexi to Disney On Ice's Dare to Dream last night.  We had been talking to her about it for days, and she was so excited about it, we couldn't bear to break her heart.  And it was a good decision.  We packed her up, grabbing her princess dress and crown at the last minute, and drove the hour into the city.  Once we got there and got inside, I pulled out her dress and crown and put it on her.  OMG I'm so glad I did.  Everywhere you looked, little girls were dressed as Rapunzel, Cinderella, Snow White, Tiana etc.  I would have had an upset little girl had I not thought to grab her stuff...and I almost didn't.  Didn't want to carry any "extras", but figured it fit in my bag, so I might as well.

Let me tell you...the show itself was great.  We were 13 rows back from the ice, so we had an unobstructed view.  Well, DH and I did.  We did buy Lexi her own seat, but a tall adult sat in front of her, so she ended up sitting on one of our laps for the whole show, and using her seat for coats.  I don't know if anyone has ever gone to a show before, but Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Pluto start things off...and when she saw Mickey skate out on the ice, her little face crumpled and tears came to her eyes.  I thought she was scared, and I asked her if she was scared or sad...she said "No mommy, I very very happy".  Well, that just brought tears to MY eyes.

She watched the whole show.  And I watched her watch.   She was mesmerized.  I don't think she closed her mouth the whole time.  She ended up sleeping in her Cinderella dress last night, and woke up this morning in a very good mood...and feeling much better than she has in days.  

Here are some photos:




Mickey, Minnie and Pluto at the start of the show




Tiana and her Frog Prince Nuveen




Cinderella



During intermission...yes, we bought a Cinderella doll.



Flynn Rider and Rapunzel and a lucky guest release a lantern




Belle and "the Beast"




This was at the start of the show.



You can't see, but her mouth is open.  She was like this the whole time.

Sick

Lexi is sick.  Has been since Sunday.  Fever, cough...the poor child is just miserable.  We went to the pedi yesterday...her lungs are clear, no ear infection.  Just a really bad cold.  Tylen0l for the fever, clear fluids.  We have tickets tonight for Disney on Ice.  She has been looking forward to going.  The pedi said he doesn't see why she can't go.  So we'll see.  Right now, she's resting with Daddy...having slept until 10am this morning.  (She was up twice last night...once at 12:45 and again at 6am).

What's next?

I have no clue.  We knew this was going to be our last insurance covered cycle.  We knew that.  But the possiblity that we wouldn't have ANY embryos to transfer never entered my mind.  Sure, we've had crappy fertilization in the past...but I never thought I'd be faced with another cycle with no embryos (our very 1st cycle back in 2007 resulted in the same). 

So now I'm faced with feeling like I'm not ready to give up...with the very real notion that I may have to.   The RE seems to think the problem lies with DH's sperm.  They ICSI'd the 10 mature eggs that they got.  My eggs seemed to be "up to par"...but still, the same result.  Dr C mentioned donor sperm and IUI.  He thinks it could work for us...since, again, he thinks the problem is DH's swimmers.  But DH isn't 100% open to that idea.  And I'm not there yet either. 

How do you tell one child that they aren't biologically their father's when the other is?  How does that affect the child?  How would that affect Lexi?  Would it?  Would DH later disown that child in the event our marriage ended?  Could he legally?  Those are the questions swimming in my head. 

The wound is so raw right now...

Meds

So as a result of this cycle being a bust I have meds available.  I'd like to recoop some of my money, but not looking to turn a profit.  Let me know if anyone is interested in the below:

900iu Follistim cartridge
300iu Follistim cartridge
4 boxes of Endometrin
2 boxes of Vivelle patches

I also have countless needles and syringes. 

Heartbroken

My clinic just called.  Of my 13 eggs retrieved, 10 were mature for ICSI...but none fertilized.  We have zero embryos.  None.  Zilch.  Zero. 

I'm heartbroken right now.  We have no more insurance coverage.  We can't afford another cycle.  We're done.  This was my worst nightmare.  Literally, I was up last night worrying about how things were going.  I guess my subconcious knew.

I have no idea how to deal with this right now. 

ER

13 eggs retrieved.  Not bad...but F.U.C.K!  That is the least amount of eggs I've gotten in 4 cycles.  I know I'm older and all...but was really hoping for more.  Fert report tomorrow.

Trigger

I triggered last night at 9:30.  I've never used Ovidrel before...so it was strange to me to inject a trigger sub-q instead of IM.  But I guess it was a good thing though...for we decided to head to our poker league and I had to trigger in the middle of the tournament.  Sub-q's go much faster than an IM. 

One thing to note...this cycle...OMG are my nips SORE.  My Tshirt rubbing against them feels like sandpaper. 

Monitoring Appt #5

Thank the Lord...I'm triggering tonight.  At my appointment this morning the U/S tech thought I might go another day.  My largest follie from yesterday vanished so she thought they'd stim me another day...BUT when I called the Lab Line just now...I'm triggering tonight at 9:30pm!!

Right - 19.5, 18, 16, 16, 13, 11
Left - 17, 17, 16.5, 16, 16, 15.5, 13.5, 13.5, 12.5, 10

Though she was having a hard time with my right side.  Seems my uterus shifted and was making it hard to see.  So I may have one or two more in there.

Lining is 10.1mm
E2 is 3024

My E2 level scares me still.  I know anything over 2500 runs the risk of OHSS...but at least it's not as high as the 4200 it was last time. 

ER will be Thursday, January 26th at 9:30 am. 

If you remember, can you say a little prayer for us on Thursday?  They would be much appreciated.

Monitoring Appt #4

Today is day 11 on stims.  The longest I've gone is 12 days.  The end is near...I hope.

Right - 21, 18, 17, 14.5, 12.5, 11, 11
Left - 17, 15.5, 15.5, 15, 14, 12, 11.5, 11.5, 10.5

E2 is 2435
Lining 10mm

I only have 2 days worth of Menopur left.  One for tonight and one for tomorrow.  I hope that's enough.

Monitoring Appt #3

So I don't have much in the way of numbers today.  Only that my E2 was 1971.  Because it is the weekend, the doctor actually calls you and he doesn't relay the follie size.  I'm to go back tomorrow (another 90 mile drive!!) for another scan.  Today I've been on stims 10 days.

Monitoring Appt #2

Nothing interesting...just for my own records...

Right ovary - 15, 13, 12, 10.5...and more smaller ones
Left ovary - 15, 12, 12, 11, 10.5, 10...and more smaller ones

Lining - 9.5
E2 - 931

Back on Sunday for another wanding and bloodwork

I'm starting to feel a tad bit uncomfortable.  Leftie sits right under my uterus...so I feel the "expansion" as follies grow.  It also makes the wanding a wee bit painful as well.  The lengths we go...

Monitoring Update

For my records...

monitoring yesterday...

largest follie 12mm.  all on left side are less than 10mm.  This is after 5 full days on stims.
Lining 7.5
E2 - 340

To freeze or not to freeze

My clinic just called to talk to me about possibly freezing any remaining embryos we might have after ET.  I had to laugh.  We've done 3 IVF cycles...and have had 3 viable embryos make it to transfer.  We've never had anything to freeze. 

But the thought is there.  What happens if, with this new clinic, we miraculously end up with 6 or 7 embryos?  Obviously, the RE isn't going to transfer all of them back to me.  I brought it up with DH...he's not for freezing any.  He said we can't afford 3 or 4 kids, that I'm already 35 (too old) and that we can't afford the cost to freeze them ($1200, which I agree, we can't)...I told him that I can't wrap my mind around "throwing away" 3 babies.  Because in my head, that's what we'd be doing.  He told me that I was being unreasonable and overly emotional about the decision. 

How can I NOT be emotional about it?  We're talking potential babies here...not just eggs or sperm...but actual embryos. 

I don't know why I even bothered bringing it up to him.  It's not like we ever get "extras" anyway. 

But, I want to know...has anyone ever made the decision to NOT freeze extra embryos?  What were your reasons?  How did you feel about the decision?  Any regrets?

Day 5

Today is day 5 of stims.  I'm slowly starting to feel the bloating in my ovaries.  I have my first monitoring appointment tomorrow morning.  I'm also going to be transporting DH's frozen sperm from our old clinic to the new one in prep for our ER next week. 

NEXT WEEK!!!???

Holy shit...I'm so not mentally prepared for this cycle.  I've been so busy with other things that I haven't really been thinking about this cycle. 

Clear

I'm clear to start stims on Friday.

225u of Follistim in the mornings
75u of Menopur in the evenings
reduce Lupron to 5u

My lining was 2.4 and my E2 less than 15. 

Here we go.

Baseline

I had my baseline b/w & US this morning.  I'll find out after 2:30 if I'm clear to start stims on Friday!!

It was interesting sitting in the waiting room and seeing all the women come in.  At my old, much larger, clinic...we weren't on any "schedule" per se.  Meaning the ER's and ET's were not scheduled for a particular week during the month, and monitoring was able to be done at the satellite offices, so there weren't many people in the waiting room.  This clinic is much smaller, operates on a "schedule", and only does monitoring at one location.  So there were about 10 women in the waiting room with me. 

I was surprised at how easily I was able to guess which ones appeared to be "first timers" and which ones were "vets".  The first timers sat in the waiting room, either giddy with excitement or sick with nervousness.  They couldn't focus enough to read a book or magazine.  Their partners were by their sides, equally giddy or nervous.  There were about 4 of those women in the waiting room this morning. 

The vets on the other hand, were there alone...seemingly aloof...oblivious to anything going on around them...consumed by their book/ipod/magazine.  But you could see it in their faces.  The worry.  The apprehension.  Their wish to be the giddy, nervous one.  The first timer.  I sat included.  Wishing I didn't know that out of the 10 of us...maybe 5 would get a BFP...and of those 5...maybe 3 would get take home babies.  I wish I didn't know all the things that DO go wrong. 

I'm more nervous for this cycle that I was a week ago.  Some of that has to do with things that have been going on here at home...but most of it is because I'm afraid of a BFN.  But yet, I'm afraid of a BFP too.  Because a BFP doesn't mean a take home baby.  And I'm not sure my heart can take much more.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone!  2012...man...where has the time gone. 

Last Friday we received awesome news in the mail...DH was approved for his unemployment benefits!  We're so happy that we will have some additional income coming in other than mine.  We were really stressing out on how we were going to pay all the bills in January.  Now, we should be able to. 

NYE was spent with my best friend and her husband at our house.  We celebrated with Lexi around 9pm and she got to pop some of those popper things that have the streamers in them.  She was asleep by 9:30.  It was low key and just what I liked.

Saturday was also my last bcp.  So I'm expecting AF to come any day.  The Lupron isn't so bad.  I haven't had any headaches or hot flashes yet.  But I'm only a week in so it can still come.  My baseline is the 11th.

Now onto another dilemma.   There is one salesperson that I support that all through the year he'd joke whenever I got him out of a jam that he'd make sure I was taken care of at Christmas.  Today, I received a check in the mail...drawn of his personal account...for $250.00.  I'm speechless.  I was in tears...I don't know if I can accept this.  When I talked to him he said that I better accept it and if I don't cash the check he'll just keep sending me a new one, or will send me cash via Fed Ex.  He said that the only reason he made his sales goal this year and was successful was because of the help and assistance I provided him.  I tried to tell him that that's what I was hired for, that he doesn't need to give me any extras...but he's not taking no for an answer.  I have a call into my boss...I don't want to get in trouble for accepting his gift...but this extra money would go along ways now that DH isn't working.  He calls it revenue share, since he got paid commission on deals that I worked on.  Would it be wrong to accept this from him?