How I Met my Husband...part four

Let's see, where was I...oh yea. After that dinner, things were silent again. I want to stress that I continued on with my life. I dated other men, went out with friends etc. I didn't wait around wondering if he would ever call again. But he was always in the back of my mind.

We'd see each other one or two more times over the course of the next 5 years. But it never went anywhere other than those nights. But let me tell you...I knew I was head over heels. Sometime between the horrendous dinner and these 2 "dates" I realized that I was smitten with him. Even though I was living with my boyfriend, J, whom I'd been dating for about 5 years, I wrote C a letter in 2002. Basically, I told him that I loved him and that I was willing to leave everything behind for him. I left the ball in his court. My letter went unanswered, until the summer of 2003.

On June 16, 2003, I lost my grandmother. She had had a massive stroke in March that had basically took her from us then. She was bed ridden and on a feeding pump as she was unable to eat. I hate to use the term "vegetable" but that gives you an idea of the function she had. My grandmother was everything to me...she was my rock when I was a child and teenager. My mom and I didn't really start getting along until I had moved out and was in college, and my gramma was the one I talked to about everything with. Even after she had her stroke, I'd sit in the bedroom with her and just talk to her about things that were going on. I was angry with her after she died for leaving me with no one to confide in. J and I had been having problems since early in our relationship and I felt like I couldn't talk to him. Anyway, the day of her wake, who should walk in the door? That's right, C. He had heard from a friend of mine that my gramma had passed and, since he knew the nature of my relationship with her, wanted to pay his respects. Today, I firmly believe my gramma brought him back to me so that I wouldn't feel so alone. I hate to say it, but when I saw him that day, it was like everyone else disappeared. It was just C and I.

Over the course of the summer, we hung out and talked...and I started down the path that would lead to my breakup with J. I started telling J I was with girlfriends, when in fact I was with C. I'm not proud of how I conducted myself, but that's the way it happened. Eventually, my lies caught up with me and J found out what had been going on...and locked me out of our house. Now, I know what you're thinking...I deserved it. And maybe I did, but you didn't know J, and at the time, I felt I had no other options but to lie. I spent 2 nights away from home, unable to gain entry. On day 3, J let me back in...C was furious that I went back. I was so conflicted, I wasn't sure what to do. J was willing to forgive and forget, but was I?

Sorry

I know you are all waiting for part 4 of my story...but I'm afraid it will have to wait a little longer. This weekend was so busy...we had company on Saturday and Sunday we went to Pierogi Fest. I didn't get on the computer at all till now. Today was my first day of jury duty as well...so no PC access during the day. I only logged on to quickly check some email (home and work) and post this short blurb. I promise to get the next part up tomorrow or Wednesday.

On the cycle front...continuing with the Lup0n injections...so far I don't feel any different. I go back to the RE's office on Thursday and should hopefully start stimming then.

How I Met my Husband...part three

I want to be clear that the calls just tapered off, and it was a mutual thing. It was hard to get together since I didn't drive and he now didn't have a car. The distance was also an issue. It wasn't like I could hop on a city bus or anything. However, over the 4 years we did speak occasionally. Usually it was me calling him, and him making some excuse for not being able to talk and never calling back. I continued to send him Christmas and birthday cards each year.


In 1998, a girlfriend and I moved into our first apartment. It was in a not so great neighborhood, and it took me forever to get to work (still didn't own a car), but it was our place and we liked it. That is, until 6 months into the lease, friend decides she can't afford it anymore and moves back in with her parents. Luckily, her dad took pity on me and sent me a check every month for friends share of the rent.


Anyway, it was during the time that I was living alone in that hell hole that C walked back into my life. Literally called me out of the blue. I can't recall what time of year it was, but I'm betting it was summer as we always seemed to have the summer flings. We only went out a few times this go around before the calls tapered off again. Are you starting to see a pattern here? I was.

After I had moved back in with my parents, C called one night wanting to have dinner. He was already near my parent's house and wouldn't take no for an answer. I ended up going, but talked about my then boyfriend the whole time. I was angry with him for coming in and out of my life and wrecking havoc each time. Needless to say, I didn't talk to him after that for quite some time.

How I Met my Husband...part two

Fast forward 4 years...the year is 1994...we've both graduated high school and it's the summer before I started college...a mutual friend of ours called me to invite me to a party he was having at his house. I was excited to go. I knew one other girlfriend who had moved away my senior year would be there and I was anxious to see her again. What I didn't know was that HE would be there as well. When I arrived at the party, my friend kept me outside and said "I hope you won't be angry and leave when I tell you this, but C (my DH) is here as well". My stomach immediately dropped to my feet. I hadn't seen C since before his family vacation 3 summers before...I hadn't spoken to him since that last conversation. What would I say? Would it be awkward? Would he still be angry? I needed a moment to compose myself as I hadn't really "gotten over" him. I had thought of C often in those years, sending him birthday cards and Christmas cards each year...each one went unanswered. "I can do this" I thought to myself. I followed my friend into his house...

Now, my friend is well over 6 feet tall, so when I stood behind him I all but vanished. When we got into the living room, he stepped aside to allow me to be seen. It was in that moment that I realized he hadn't given C the same courtesy of telling him I was coming as he did me. C's eyes nearly bugged out of his head when he saw me. There were some awkward hellos, but as the night progressed, we seemed to fall back into the playful, flirtatious relationship we enjoyed years before. I learned that he was seeing someone, and I shared that I was single. We exchanged phone numbers at the end of the evening, and before I could even make it home, I had a message from him on my machine. I called him back and we spoke until the wee hours of the next morning. He told me who had said I cheated on him, and I gave him the facts. We were both sad when we realized that had we talked things out that day years ago, that things may have been different. But we were happy to be back in each other's lives. As the summer wore on, our relationship progressed again from friends, to dating. It was almost as if we picked up right where we left off. We would spend weekends enjoying the lakefront and it's activities and going out to comedy clubs.

That summer, it seemed like comedy clubs were popping up everywhere...clubs were giving tickets away, all you had to buy were 2 drinks. Since we were still "underage" at that time, we would buy 2 sodas. The one thing DH and I love to tell people is that we saw Dave Chapp.elle in person before he was big. We had gone to a club one night and sat in the front row with a bunch of our friends. Since we were a bunch of college kids we got picked on alot. It was fun.

Towards the middle of Fall...C was in an accident and wrecked his car. He wasn't hurt, but his car was totaled. We lived 45 minutes from each other, I didn't drive and eventually the phone calls became further and further apart until they stopped all together. It would be 4 more years until we spoke again.

How I Met my Husband...part one

I met my husband in the Fall of 1990. We were both freshman in high school, me at the all girl's school, him at the all boy's school across the campus. I can't really recall the exact moment that I first saw him...I do know that he was "dating" one of my friends from grade school and we were at a local mall. He climbed up on top of a huge dumpster and did a King K0ng impression. I thought he was the goofiest guy...weird too. I'm not sure how, but we became pretty good friends. We'd talk on the phone after school, mostly about whatever girl he was currently seeing, and hang out at the mall. Somewhere between that Fall and early the next Spring, I had developed a HUGE crush on him. But I would never, ever let on. I was the quintessential girl friend. I gave him a girl's perspective on life, and a shoulder to vent on. All the while I harbored my feelings. All the girls in my homeroom knew how I felt and each told me I should just ask him out. But I was so afraid that he wouldn't feel the same and that our friendship would never be the same. I needn't have worried. He asked me out in late April and we spent a glorious summer together hanging out at the pool and just enjoying one another. It all came crashing down when he returned from a family vacation in August. Someone had told him I cheated on him while he was gone (I hadn't) and he said he wished he had never asked me out. I remember clearly saying "Will having me out of your life make you happy?" when he answered "Yes", I simply said, "Whatever makes you happy" and quietly hanging up the phone. We didn't speak again for 4 years.

IVF # 2 is underway

Last night I took my last bcp and first Lup0n shot of this cycle. The injection went without a hitch, as everything came back to me and it was like second nature. Scary isn't it?

It's a go

Saw my endo yesterday, Dr. J, and while he did put me on thyroid meds, he said my levels were not at a point to cause him any concern about moving forward with this cycle. Since he really has no stake in if I go now or wait, DH and I decided we would go forward. So tonight is my last bcp and first Lup0n shot. I'm excited and nervous all at once. I can't believe we're actually at the point of cycling again. It's been a long 15 months.

On a side note, my cousin was expecting her 2nd (I'm godmother to her first). Apparently, she had the baby last Wednesday...but we haven't "officially" heard anything. I guess her DH called my sister's boyfriend and told him, who told my sister, who told my mom, who told me. But they don't know the name, or weight. I know she was debating between the names Aiden James (AJ), Connor James (CJ) and Logan James. I know I haven't heard anything because of a tiff going on, which I'll get into in another post, but still...

My old endo to the rescue

I saw an endocrinologist way back in 2005 when I first learned that I had multi-nodular disease (oops, forgot to share that part with everyone) that causes a small goiter on my neck. Most people don't even notice the goiter, including me, but my PCP, whom I LOVE and would recommend to anyone, noticed right away. The endo back then sent me for a thyroid ultrasound and a test (which name escapes me) where they "dye" the thyroid and view it under an MRI (I think it was an MRI) machine. They said my thyroid was currently functioning correctly and I should just follow up. Well, back then, I wasn't interested in following up and never did.

So today, after calling 3 endos in my area and being told that the earliest I could be seen was mid-August, end of September and beginning of October respectively, I hunted down Dr J's phone number through my insurance website. When I called, the receptionist was sympathetic to my plight and said YES, YOU HAVE EVERY REASON TO BE CONCERNED! I now have an appointment on Monday at 2pm. I am breathing a little easier knowing I'm getting another opinion. My gut told me to go with what everyone who commented earlier said...and as much as I don't want to hold off this cycle, depending on what Dr J says, we may do just that.

Thank you again to everyone...you gave me the courage to stand up and call Dr J.

Torn

First, I want to say Thank you to all who left comments regarding the thyroid antibodies. The consensus amongst everyone seems to be to wait on this cycle...and part of me agrees. The other part of me listened to what the RE's office said when I talked to them yesterday and is saying, "They are the experts, they're the doctors...". Basically, my RE is not concerned about the antibodies...she said while they can signal a problem in the future, they are more concerned about my TSH level...which they think is fine. But in thinking about it, I remember on my last cycle they wanted me to have a TSH below 3. Obviously, my TSH isn't near that at this point. I'm scared of making the wrong decision. I'm afraid of going forward and I'm afraid of holding off. I'm supposed to start Lupron on Tuesday...I just don't know what to do yet.

Update: I left a message for an endocrinologist in my area to call me back regarding setting up an appointment. DH and I will have to have a long talk tonight...but when I think about moving forward, my stomach gets all queasy. I take that as a sign...

No news

I haven't heard from my RE's office today regarding my labs. I was so busy at work that I didn't have time to call them, and by the time I remembered...they were closed. SUCKS! So I will have to wait for tomorrow. I also realized last night that my pharmacy never sent me the hcg...um, yea...that's kinda one of the most important meds...without it all the others go to waste. I'm also drawing closer to my lifetime max of $10K on meds. I'm at around $7,600. When I look at the report for what my previous RE ordered and what this one did...the costs this time are far less. Which I'm glad for...just wish I knew then what I know now. Hindsight's 20/20 right?

Labs

This post is more for me to document what my lab results were than anything...feel free to skip it.

Test date: 7/15/08 (gave blood today that's why I have these numbers)
HGB - 13.2
B/P 110/80
Temp 98.6
Pulse 62

Test Date: 7/2/08
Glucose: 92 (normal is 65-99)
Total Cholesterol: 155 (100-199)
Thyroid Peroxidase (TPO): 485 (normal is 0-34)
Antithyroglobulin: 392 (norm is 0-40)
Thyroxine (T4) Free, Direct: 0.94 (normal is 0.61-1.76)
TSH: 4.117 (norm is 0.350-5.500)
Triiodothyronine, Free, Serum: 2.7 (norm is 2.3-4.2)

I faxed the results page to my RE, they are supposed to call me tomorrow.

I'm still spotting...requires a pantyliner now. I'm beginning to think I should postpone this cycle until I can get some answers on the Thyr0id thing. But I've waited over a year to move forward...it's so frustrating to be this close to starting again and having this crap thrown at us.

I've had more medical issues this year than I would have thought...abnormal paps, cervical dysplasia, HPV, arthritis, now this issue. UUUGGGHH! Someone please hit my "normal" button so that I can return to my "healthy" self!

Playing catch up

A few things:

1) I found out my tree was eaten by the Japanese Beetle. Yuck. My neighbors have had similar experiences with their trees (one went to water the tree and about 500 bugs flew off it) so our neighborhood H0me Dep0t has been wiped clean of traps. I managed to get one, my neighbor 2. DH put it on the fence yesterday, and by evening the bag was bulging with all the bugs inside. The good thing is the tree can come back...there are still green buds on the branches.

2) DH had a fabulous time at the race. The night of the race they had perfect weather as a cold front came through that afternoon. Temps were only in the 60s once the sun went down...and no humidity. He took LOTS of pics, but I haven't even looked at all of them yet. I know there are some pretty cool shots of the awesome sunset we had that night over the track.

3) TMI...I've again got mid-cycle spotting. Not enough to warrant a pantyliner even, but it's there when I use the bathroom. It's not red, but brown. This isn't fun.

4) I received a copy of the bloodwork that my PCP ordered for me on Saturday. My thyr0id antibodies were extremely high. Like 485, when normal is less than 100. My PCP only said to let my RE know. When I called the RE's office, they didn't seem concerned, but of course I had to consult Dr G00gle and found this article and immediately became concerned because I start Lupr0n next week for this cycle. I want to have every possible chance at a BFP, and now I find out 1 week before the start that I could have MORE issues than I already know I have?? Anyone have experience with thyr0id antibodies?

Arborists please help

Not sure what those people who know alot about trees are called...is it arborists or botanists? Anyway, I need help. DH and I planted a Little Leaf Linden in our backyard last fall...and the tree has been doing well. It's only about 8 - 10 feet tall at this point, but today I noticed that ALL the leaves are brown. And upon further inspection, their not just brown, but have little holes in all of them. This leads me to believe that my beloved tree has some kind of disease...can anyone tell me what would cause this and what I can do to keep my tree alive?

Alone

No, I'm not feeling down and out. I'm just physically alone...for the whole weekend. See, its race weekend here...and Nas.car fever has been bubbling in my small town. We're approximately 10 miles (if that) from the speedway and all I've seen today is RVs heading east towards the raceway. Now, the actual race isn't until tomorrow, but I dropped hubby off at 6:45 this morning with his buddies. They will be RVing at the speedway until Sunday. Luckily, the also have tickets to get into the race, so as long as the weather cooperates, they'll be trackside. It's not often that I'm home alone for long. I actually don't like being home by myself at night. Now, I know I have my 2 trusty canines to keep me company, but it will be strange not having hubby in the bed next to me. But I'll make the most of it.

I'm working from home today (missed my train b/c I dropped DH off) and tomorrow I'm supposed to spend the day with a girlfriend who just moved back into the area with her DH. Should be an interesting day. Sunday, I have plans with my mom...going to breakfast, shopping, and pedis. Lord knows I NEED A PEDI SO BAD! I'm embarrassed to take my socks off!

Anyway, that's about all I have for now...except that my meds should arrive tomorrow. Yippee! I'll post the obligatory med photo, but most likely not until Sunday as DH took the camera with him!

I've been summoned...

by the county I live in to serve as a juror. Normally, I would be happy to oblige, but the week I'm scheduled to be there is the week I'll be stimming. I have no idea if I'd be able to have all my monitoring appointments done by 7:30am. My county does things a little differently than the other counties I've lived in. They require you to serve for a whole week, or for the duration of a trial, whichever is longer. The best part is, you have to call each night to see if you are in the 8:30am shift or the 1:30pm shift or both. Not something a commuter can really do. So I'm going to have to plead "Hardship" this time around and hope that they can reschedule me for later in the year.

Now, onto more important issues...my protocol. Got my schedule in the mail the other day (I had them mail it since I didn't need injection training again). I will be doing the BCP/Low Dose Long Lupr0n protocol:

Begin bcp 7/2 - done
Last BCP 7/22
Start Lupr0n (10 units) 7/22 once per day btwn 7 & 10pm
Once I get my Lupr0n period I'll start stims on day 3
F0llistim 225iu & Men0pur 75iu once per day btwn 7 & 10pm
Reduce Lupr0n to 5 units daily
ER should be sometime around 8/12 or so
Night of ER - Begin baby aspirin
3 days post ER - PI0 injections and suppositories start (yuck not looking forward to this)
6 days post ER - Start Viv.elle patches
PG test will be 12 days after 3 day transfer or 10 days after 5 day transfer

Now I have to call my RE's office and find out when I can expect the big box o'love in the mail.

Pics

As promised, here are some pics from my weekend...I'll do an actual post tomorrow with my cycle protocol...

This is a picture of the harbor on Lake Michigan looking toward the planetarium.

Some fireworks shots...

And finally some shots of the dogs enjoying splashing around in their pool...

This is the 7 month old...Buddy:

Both Buddy and Sox:

And another of both...that's Sox with his head in the water! They were having SO much fun!

And finally...because I'm a proud momma...my baby Buddy (Sox wouldn't sit still for a good photo):

I Love Vacation

and I'm always sorry when it ends.

Wednesday was RE day. We pretty much did nothing after the appointment...except I started getting things ready to leave.

Thursday morning was spent playing with the dogs since we wouldn't see them for 24 hours. This was the first time I would be away from the puppy for more than a work day. My dad had agreed to come over after work, pick up our car where we were leaving it at the train station (he was taking the train that was coming into that station anyway) and stay at our house for the night. DH and I took the train into the city...checked into our hotel (the Hard R0ck is VERY nice...small but nice) and proceeded to have dinner at this restaurant. We knew we weren't going to eat at the fest...too expensive. The fireworks were great. We had a front row seat (albeit a concrete one) on the lakefront for the show.

Friday we spent the day at the in-laws.

Saturday and Sunday were spent lounging around and playing with the dogs in their pool. I will post pictures as soon as I can upload them from the camera.

Cycle #2 begins

Went to the RE today to have my CD3 bw & u/s done. Though today is only CD2. My FSH levels were high again...12.3, compared to 9 in February. But they don't see any reason not to move forward, except I will be watched closely for OHSS. I start bcp this evening and will take 21 days, followed by 10 days of Lupr0n. So Lupr0n starts around 7/22. Then I will be on 75 of Men0pur and 225 of F0llistim. I had some Repr0nex left, but it expires in August. I donated it to the clinic in the hopes that someone who is stimming now can use it. We're tentatively looking at ER and ET around 8/12. It seems SO far away.

I've never been happier

to have gotten AF! I've been a little nervous as I really wanted her to come Sunday or yesterday so when I see my RE tomorrow, I'd really be closer to the CD3. But she arrived about 15 minutes ago, so I'm hoping my RE will still be able to run all the CD3 work. I'm happy to be able to start a new cycle...as apprehensive as I am, at least now, I feel like we're moving forward and not stuck in limbo.

More later.

And the results are...

6 vials of sperm! Yes, the andrologist, Paul, was able to get 6 vials of sperm from DH's sample on Wednesday. Unfortunately, DH didn't ask him about the freeze/thaw cycle they did, or any other relevant information like how many sperm were in each vial and if they were able to "weed out" the bad ones. He doesn't think to ask things like that, but I can't fault him. The last thing he wants to be talking about with another guy is the quality (and quantity) of his man juice.

I'm on vacation next week! Well, not all of next week. But Wednesday through Sunday! Long weekends...gotta love 'em. DH and I are going to attend the fireworks at this huge festival. Can I just say that I'm utterly impressed it has it's own Wiki page? Anyway, the fireworks are held on the 3rd. I haven't attended in about 10 years, since there are always millions (and I do mean millions) of people who flock to the lakefront to see them. Trying to contend with all those people trying to get home via the "L" or Metra is just too much for me. This year though, we decided we would stay here instead of fighting the crowds. I was shocked that they still had rooms available as late as Monday when I booked. Any other Midwesterners venturing to the lakefront for this binge fest?

Frozen swimmers

In preparation for our upcoming cycle, DH went today to provide a sperm specimen that we will freeze. To answer a commenter's question...we are freezing a sample of sperm ahead of time because DH has poor morphology and really low counts. His last SA came back at 11 million sperm with only 3% of those being "normal". Plus, his SA's have been all over the place as far as counts. This 11 million was alot...he's been as low as 2 million. So we want to ensure that, should he not provide his best sample on the day of retrieval, that we have a backup so as not to repeat our last cycle performance.

I also received yesterday the clearance letter from my GYN to proceed with this cycle. See, because I was diagnosed HPV positive and with mild cervical dysplasia on my PAP last January, my RE wanted something from my GYN saying he gives me the green light to go ahead with this. I guess my RE doesn't want to take any responsibility should I get pg and develop cancer or something. But see, she's assuming I get pg.

I wanted to give shouts out to Jen, Mel, and JJ who all received BFP's this past week. Maybe some of that Braces Bunch luck will befriend me come the beginning of August.

Also, Jacki received some bad news today...go give her a hug.

Lastly, wanted to thank all my readers and commenters. You all mean the world to me, and I know I don't update this blog enough (hopefully, that will change now that I'm cycling again) but I really appreciate all those who continue to check back with me. Lots of love and ((HUGS)).

P.S. I've posted 11 posts in June...the most of any month since starting this blog. See, I'm getting better!

********************
To answer Familyoftwo's questions:

I haven't talked to DH yet today to see if they gave him results...I doubt he'll have them today. Paul, the guy in charge, knows we will be doing ICSI this cycle. I guess they do the wash a little differently with ICSI than they would usually do. He will also be taking a small portion of the normal sample and freezing and thawing it to see how they survive the thaw. We will be sending my RE this frozen sample on ER day regardless. But I guess whether or not they use it is something I need to ask at our consult on the 2nd. Thanks!

A new beginning?

As our upcoming cycle grows closer, DH and I have been thinking more and more about what we will do if we get a negative result. See, we bought our current 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with the intention of filling it with children's laughter. Of building our family around this structure. If children aren't in our future, then neither one of us wants this house. It would just be a painful reminder of what we don't have; and it's a pain in the butt to clean. Now, selling a house with the market the way it is, isn't the smartest thing...but we bought this house WAY under market value in 2006. Even with the decline in housing prices, our house is still worth more than what we paid for it. We wouldn't realize the huge profit we originally thought we would, but we wouldn't be upside down either.

Our thoughts have begun to run into selling the house and moving out of state. We're currently about 50 miles outside of Chicago. We have no real downtown area as the village was originally vacation homes for the doctors and lawyers from Chicago in the 1950's and 1960's. A small, growing community that is quickly becoming congested and "busy". We both long for open land. Of having a few acres between us and our neighbors. Of not having the traffic congestion or pollution that comes with a growing community. Of being able to relax on our patio without worrying that the neighbor's dog is going to start yapping just because. So we've been playing around with this idea.

The thing that really weighs on my mind is the fact that we won't get to see our families. I think my parents would be heart broken if we weren't within driving distance. Plus, all our friends are here. Have any of you ever moved to a new city? How did your families cope? How did you research where you wanted to live?

Now, we've both never lived anywhere other than the Chicagoland area. It's a little exciting to me to think about moving to a city I've never been to. But a little scary too. I'd like to move somewhere that has some history. Somewhere we could get a few acres and not break the bank. Yet somewhere that is close enough to a city to be able to drive there to enjoy the nightlife or other goings on. Somewhere that has grocery stores and shopping...it doesn't have to be chain supermarkets and Wal Mar.t, just a local store. I don't want to roast in the summer (so Phoenix is out) and I don't want to freeze in the winter (no to Juneau as well). Anyone have any suggestions? Just so you know...we've played with Columbus, Ohio, and I've looked at Knoxville, TN real estate (though I don't understand the different area numbers). And my DH mentioned Ravensden, Arkansas (though I put the kabosh on that one)

How's that for thinking positive? We haven't even begun our cycle and we're already contemplating what we're going to do when it's over.

On the IF Front...

DH has his appointment for next Wednesday to give another sperm donation...this time, it will be frozen in anticipation of our upcoming IVF cycle.

I'm nervous and giddy at the same time about this cycle. I'm so excited to be moving forward again, to be doing something. Instead of feeling like the time is just sailing past us. But I'm also very nervous. We had a horrible experience last time, and while I know this RE is 100x better, and I've read posts from women who have seen her, I still can't help being a little weary. I mean, we have a limited amount of insurance coverage, and IVF wouldn't even be possible for us without it. I felt like I wasted insurance dollars last cycle, and I just don't want to feel that way again. I really want this to work and to be able to give DH the opportunity to be a father.

Another Meme...

Found this one someone's blog (I'm sorry I can't remember who I stole it from) and thought I'd give it a whirl...

Here’s a list of things and you have to bold the ones that you have done. So here goes:

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Iliad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish)
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Your turn...

Scattergories

I found this on Kim's blog and thought I'd play along...



SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog.Use the first letter of your name of your street to answer each of the following. (if your street name is a number use the first letter that spells the number. If you live on Fifth Avenue then your letter should be F) They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. You can not use your own name for the boy/girl names.



1. What is the name of your street? Northside

2. A 3 letter word? NOT

3. Something you would find in an office? Notebook

4. Something that smells bad? Nicotine

5. Movie Title? National Treasure

6. Slow Dance Song? Need You Tonight, INXS

7. Something in your pantry? Noodles

8. Name of a pet turtle? Nicodemus

9. Fetish or Phobia? Necrophobia (Fear of dead things)

10. something you would find in your medicine chest? Naproxen



Play along!

Can you tell I'm a Wikipedia fiend?

We're moving forward...

finally. The IVF Coordinator from my clinic called me today. I completely forgot that she was supposed to call. I'm glad she remembered. My RE does want me to come in for a consult, but more of an abbreviated version. Just to talk about protocols and sign the legal forms. I also need to have my GYN fax my PAP results along with a note stating that, despite my HPV diagnosis and mild cervical dysplasia, that I am clear to cycle. So July 2nd, 9:30am. DH will have his blood drawn for the communicable disease testing...and if AF shows up right before that, then I can get my CD3 BW & US out of the way and start BCP. Could it be? Would the planets align just right to allow us to get everything accomplished in one visit? Since I'm highly pessimistic, I say no.

This weekend was nice. Saturday, I put together some new outdoor furniture...DH put up the patio umbrella and strung lights on it. It looked really nice as we sat out Saturday evening. But then we forgot to close the umbrella and early Sunday morning the wind gusts reached about 60 miles per hour and snapped said umbrella's metal post in two. No more umbrella.

We had our parents over for Father's Day. We also invited the parents of a friend we no longer talk to. DH and I had a mutual friend in high school who is now estranged from his parents. They don't get to see their grandkids very often and I know it really hurts them that their only child has gone on a destructive path. They've done everything they could, as have his friends, but he has chosen his course. Anyway, halfway through the day, we got hit with another thunderstorm. Have I told you I'm TIRED OF THE RAIN??!! But after it passed (like 15 minutes later) it cleared up and it turned out to be a very nice evening.

I'm so proud of myself...since joining the Braces Bunch, I've only sent out 4 postcards...but today, I just mailed 7 cards. Not postcards...but cards. I've caught up with alot of my blog reading, so I'm hoping to stay up to date. Those of you who don't know what Braces Bunch is...check this out.

I now leave you with a beautiful Midwestern sunset. Don't mind the light poles or cars...it was taken in a Men.ards parking lot. But if you use your imagination, you can find yourself in a tropical destination.

Patio...updated with bad pic

As I've said before, I'm tired of rain. The Midwest has been battered lately by storms. Luckily, my little community has been spared from the worst of it. But still, when it rains, my backyard becomes a mud pit. DH and I have been trying our damndest this year to get the grass to grow...and we've been pretty successful. It helps that my puppy sits squats when he pees and he's got NITROGEN PEE! So we have tufts of grass throughout the yard that grow 100X faster than the rest of the yard. But try as we might, we have not been able to get grass to grow in the area surrounding our back steps into the yard. Mostly because that is where the 2 dogs play the most. So this area always is the cause of the 6 inches of mud I scrap off the dogs paws each time they are out after a rainfall. No more. Yesterday, my concrete patio was poured. It's purdy. I haven't taken any pics yet, but I will. I'm so happy that we had it done. Not only will the dogs not be caked in mud, but we will actually have a place to sit without the grass tickling at your ankles (something else I dislike). Anyway, I'll update with pics when the sun is shining and I can go outside without getting drenched.

Here's a bad pic of the patio...as you can sorta see...we've got stuff all over it from a get together, and that's my big guy, Sox walking through.

Wondering...

Does anyone ever hear from ME and Steve? I have been thinking about her and I've sent an email, but haven't gotten a response. I was just wondering how she was.

And because I have nothing better to tell you, other than we're having our patio poured today...I leave you with a picture of my 7 month old...

Green Thumb **Edited at bottom

First, Mini Vann has arrived! Go check out Farah's blog

I've never had a green thumb. Every plant I'd ever owned I've killed...even cacti. But I've had this one plant that I bought when hubby and I purchased our first townhouse in 2004 that I haven't killed...yet. So this year, I decided I would plant 3 rosebushes out in our front yard. I figured they would die...so imagine my surprise one day when I saw this...



I was SO excited I sent this picture to my closest IRL friends. I was even MORE excited the next day when it looked like this...





This is the only bloom so far, but there are many more buds on the plant. Even the other two rosebushes seem to be thriving...they have buds as well. I thought that maybe this change in luck with plants would resonate throughout the rest of my life, but it appears not.

I had gotten a call on Friday from my RE's office stating they had gotten MFS's letter and results and my next step is to schedule a consult. I called today, and the first available appointment is July 10th! I told the girl (she was the andrologist helping on the phone, J) that I really wanted to start with my July cycle which is due on the 1st. She said the notes on my account only indicate I need an IVF consult and that I hadn't been there since June of last year. I promptly informed J that was incorrect as I had been in for CD3 BW/US in January and have had a consult since then. So she transferred me to the nurse, K, whom I left a message with.

I really want to start in July. I haven't cycled since April/May 2007 and I just feel like every month that goes by is a missed opportunity. I'll update when K calls back.

************************************************

So K called back and let me know that the RE's initial notes in my file indicated that I would need an IVF Consult only if I desired. Since I've already been through a cycle and know what is involved she doesn't think that I will need to do it. But the RE and IVF Coordinator are both on vacation this week. K will check with them on Monday and have them call me. So I may be cycling in July!!

The verdict is in...

The MFS sees no reason why we can't proceed with another IVF cycle with DH's sperm. While the SA results weren't the best...he does have normal sperm. Of the 8 million sperm in the sample, 3% were completely normal. MFS also said that usually an IVF lab is more strict on sperm quality than a diagnostic lab "because everything is on their shoulders". He sent an email to my doctor to ask them if the 3% normal sperm were "sufficient for their use". And he also stated he wants us to freeze a sample or two to ensure we have enough "good sperm" to use. So while I did get most of my answers...(I got all I could from MFS) I now have to wait to see if my RE will "accept" DH's levels for a cycle.

I'm just hesitant about starting a new cycle if I don't know if the RE will find good sperm. But I guess with a few frozen samples, we should be good. So now I have to call my RE and see what's next. I've already missed June, since CD3 was Tuesday...but let's pretend for a moment that I start a cycle in July...that means ER and ET would be around the end of July. And let's sink deeper into fantasy land and pretend it works...that means I'd have an EDD of approximately March 2009. A girl can dream right?

T minus one day

Tomorrow afternoon DH and I see the Male IF specialist (MFS) and we are demanding answers. He has been seeing this doc since September and originally said that he wanted DH to take the Clomid for 3 months. It's been 9 months...I want answers damnit. I want to know if we have any chance of cycling with his sperm. I want to know if we need to start thinking seriously about donor sperm or not. I want answers!! I'm so tired of NOT knowing what the hell is going on with things. UUGGHH! So I plan on drilling MFS tomorrow and not leaving without my answers.

Also, today is CD3. AF arrived on Sunday afternoon. I could have been going for CD3 bloodwork had we had answers!

Blah, Blah, Blah

So yesterday was my first day back to work after my long weekend "vacation". Let me tell you, I had 2 days in there where I didn't move from the couch all day and I LOVED it. I rarely get days like that, so it was quite refreshing to get caught up on L0st (OMG I loved the finale) and generally have nothing to do. I've been fighting a case of bronchitis, so that hasn't been fun, but I was still at home...enjoying doing NOTHING!

Anyway, nothing new on the IF front. We go to DH's doc next Wednesday for his latest SA results. We're thinking we're headed into the donor world, but would at least like a Dr to tell us what our chances are with his.

And because I thought it was fun...I stole this from Farah...

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): DH, Bridge
C - Cake or Pie: Pie (must be apple)
D - Day of Choice: Friday...I spend all day looking forward to 5pm
E - Essential Item: Cell Phone or Aleve depending on the day
F - Favorite Color(s): Cobalt Blue
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
H - Hometown: Chicago
I - Indulgence(s): Massage and sleep
J - January or July: July (don't like the cold)
K - Kids: Yes, please.
L - Life is incomplete without: Family and friends
M - Marriage Date: 10/04/2005
N - Number of Siblings: 1 younger sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Apples
P- Phobias or Fears: failure
Q - Quote: "Is money worth the price" - Unknown
R- Ring size: hhhmmm I don't really know.
S - Season: Spring or Fall...not too hot or cold
T- Tag 3 Friends: Bridge, JJ and anyone else who wants to steal this
U - Unknown fact about me: I am a complete control freak...though I try not to be
V - Very favorite stores: Target /Wal-Mart/Lane Bryant
W - Worst Habit: Biting my nails
X-ray or Ultrasound: I have had plenty of both
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): crab legs (yum yum)
Z - Zodiac: Libra

It's amazing what IF does to your mind

I have a whiteboard on my desk at work. On it is written: "Move DE for x client in July". Everyday, when I come in and see that message I immediately think, now why would x client want Donor Eggs? Then, I think "duh! It's not Donor Eggs! It's Delaware!"

IF no longer stands for "if". IF is always INFERTILITY

DE no longer is the abbreviation for the state of Delaware

MF no longer stands for the bitchin swear word I used in college

What other acronyms no longer stand for what they mean in the fertile world?

Swimming in Circles

That's how DH and I feel right now. We just called to get the latest results of his donation. Count is still only 8.3 million...with 0 normal morphology. DH has been seeing a male factor specialist since September...that's why he's been on Clomid since then...that's why we've put off cycling again. The MF specialist (MFS) never indicated to DH that he had no normal swimmers. At least that DH can remember. MFS always had DH's counts at around 1 million...but gave us the impression that those were 1 million healthy swimmers. We thought the reason he was on Clomid was because MFS wanted to increase his count. We knew he'd probably have to make a few deposits to the cryo bank before we cycled, but we're just so frustrated with everything. Why can't any doctors give us a straight answer? Will we or won't we be able to use his sperm?

I'm solicting help...

Ladies...I need your help. I need another job...that's close to my home. I currently commute 4 hours a day and it's becoming a financial strain. Anyone work for companies that offer work from home solutions? I currently work for a national financial institution and have experience in service and sales. Can you recommend anyone? Please?? I'm desperate.

PS I've requested a work from home alternative from my current employer and they said "NO".

Random thoughts

Yesterday was THE day. The one that I had been dreading. I purposefully invited MIL and my mom to our house for a BBQ so that I didn't have to go out and contend with all the smiling Moms. But it still got to me...I ended up breaking down in the morning and crying to DH. Had our last cycle been successful, we would have a 4 month old. But it wasn't successful, we're still in the same place we were before. Childless.

People like the Duggars make me sick. All that woman has to do is spread her legs and out comes another baby. It isn't fair.

Thar She Flows

That's what I wanted to scream out this morning when I went to the bathroom and found out AF had arrived...on CD34. She's playing games with me I tell you. For 9 consecutive months after my BFN, she was 28 days like clockwork...then she threw in a 32 day cycle and a 26 day cycle. Now we're up to 34 days. I guess I shouldn't complain...I could be back to the 50 & 60 day cycles of my pre-IVF self. But I was really liking the every 28 days bit. I KNEW exactly when she'd be arriving and plan my day accordingly. No client meetings that day, send DH off with his buds, curl up on the couch and just veg. No more. Oh well, at least I can look forward to another cycle soon.

Movies, Movies

This past weekend DH and I went to see 2 movies...Baby Mamma and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Saturday was Baby Mamma...**SPOILER ALERT**now if you haven't seen the movie and don't want to know about it, skip the next paragraph.

I would have been ok with this movie if Tina Fey's character didn't have her miracle pregnancy at the end. I mean come on...she had a 1 in a million chance with ART and it just happened naturally? That was the thing that really upset me. I was ok with the story line up until that point. I was even impressed with their use of "transfer" v. "implanted" when speaking about IVF. Though the video showing the embryos landing on the uterine lining was a bit much for me.

Watching the movie with DH brought back all the emotions we've tried so hard to push past. The unsupportive family, the constant barrage of "the question" (When will you start having kids). It was an emotionally draining night. So much so, that the next morning, after some "intimate" time, I just started crying. I really have mixed emotions about cycling again. Physically, it's not hard on me...I respond well to the stims, didn't have much OHSS, didn't have any pain after retrieval or transfer. But emotionally, it kills me. And I'm scared to put myself through that emotional turmoil again. We're lucky enough to have some insurance coverage...but I'm always doing the what ifs.

Anyway, today is CD32 so I guess I'm just being hormonal. I should be getting AF any second now...but I don't feel anything. I guess I should go home and POAS to get her flowing...that always does the trick.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

My alarm goes off at 4:30am. At 4:37am, I felt my bed shake. At first I thought a massive semi must be going down my quiet residential street looking for the next build site. But all was quiet...not a sound. No truck. I remember thinking to myself...hhmmpph what are the chances of an earthquake in Chicago and going about my morning routine. That was until I turned on the TV and this was the top story. Who woulda thunk it? The earthquake was centralized in downstate Illinois, but was felt as far north as Wisconsin and as far south as Alabama. What I felt wasn't very strong...no pictures fell over, no dishes rattled (well that I know of, but I was upstairs). My dogs didn't go nutso. It was like being on one of those vibrating beds you see in the cheap motels on TV. The shaking only lasted a minute or less, but it was my first experience with an earthquake. Growing up in the Midwest, you have fire drills in school AND tornado drills. Tornadoes are something I know about...I know what to do when the sirens start their song. But I have no clue what to do in an earthquake!! That wasn't something we were taught in school...wasn't something we ever had to think about. The only experience with earthquakes I'd had prior to today was seeing the aftermaths on TV in places like San Francisco.

On a separate note...FamilyofTwo is going through a rough time right now. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and give her some ((HUGS))

Introducing...

I have a friend (yea I DO have friends IRL). Everyone should have a friend like this one. We've known each other 18 years...since fate sat her behind me in our freshman Spanish class. OK maybe it wasn't fate but the fact we sat alphabetically (can anyone say grammar school?). But it was because of this class that we met and became best friends. She's the type of friend that you keep coming back to...even when your lives took different paths. My path brought me infertility. Hers took her down a medical nightmare (ironically, one that may make it hard for her to conceive as well). As she received diagnosis after diagnosis...I had no idea what to say to her. All I could do is be there when she needed to talk, to vent, to scream and to cry (and provide the occasional ride to the county jail). She recently came to me about how down she's been feeling. And I came clean. I fessed up that I have a blog. Now 2 people IRL know I have it. I told her how therapeutic it is to put things out there...to document what's been happening. But what is even more therapeutic is the support you receive from virtual strangers. People connected only by the Internet and a common thread. So she gussied up some courage and started one of her own. I would like to introduce you to my best friend in the world. Bridge at Fatabulous1 I know her blog isn' t an IF focused one, but please go by and welcome her to our community...and if you know anyone else who might know what she's going through, please forward her blog on. I gushed at how supportive you all are...don't make a liar out of me! LOL

Random thoughts

Did anyone watch the Biggest L0ser last night? I did...and I have to say I was very pleased that Ali won. It's about time a female won...though through it all they pumped up the "first female" to the point where you pretty much knew who was going to win it. My question is...how can these people afford to take off work for 4 1/2 months and still pay their bills? Don't they have mortgages? I would LOVE to be on this show...but there is NO WAY I could afford to take an unpaid leave from work. How would my bills get paid? UUGGHH how do they do it??

This day is going by way too slow for me. It's only 1:30 and I feel like I've been at work forever. I guess it doesn't help that it's been non stop since Monday. It's 70 here today and I just want to be outside. DH is lucky...he's off on Wednesdays so he gets to be out.

Housekeeping

I've changed the layout and template of my blog...though if you're like me, you use Google Reader or some other feed and don't click over unless you want to leave a comment. Has anyone figured out how to leave a comment from Google Reader? Anyway, since I usually use the Reader to read posts, I don't tend to see every one's actual blog pages and pics/buttons. I was scanning around today and realized just how "boring" my actual blog page was. So I'm going to try to spice it up a little if I can. I'm hesitant about posting pics, though I did post my wedding pic a while back. I'll have to think about that one.

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words regarding yesterday's post. At first, I really didn't feel any better about having posted it. But after reading the comments, and knowing that no one thinks of me as a dirty whore (well except my husband <8') ), I actually do feel better. In a "OK no one thinks any less of me" kind of way.

I'm sure some readers are thinking, I thought this was supposed to be a blog about infertility...well hopefully, I will be able to begin posting about my next cycle. DH has been on Clomid since September in the hopes of improving his sperm counts. Our next steps are to do another SA, and then start "banking" his sperm. My RE, in combination with his Andrologist, want us to bank sperm so that we have plenty to choose from when my next ER comes along. The problem we had last time was that nothing fertilized because they couldn't find "enough" normal sperm to use. Long story short, that's how we found out DH had a testosterone issue (why we didn't know this before is beyond me and I've given up that anger). So I'm hoping that in the next few months, I'll be able to relish you with my injection horror stories and hormonal emotions. Till then...thanks for tuning in!

1,565 days

37,560 hours
2,253,600 minutes

That's how long it's been since C and I started TTC#1. In that time we've had 4 birthdays, 5 New Year's Eves, 6 pregnancy announcements within our family, 4 of which have already resulted in live births. 2 of which are second children. There have been countless BFPs in the blogosphere as well as live births, adoption matches and adoptions finalized. There have also been countless BFNs, miscarriages, fetal losses, stillbirths, adoption matches fallen through and other heartbreaking news. It's any wonder that any of us keep going. But that's all we know isn't it? We have to keep going, keep moving forward. To achieve whatever goal it was that we set out for in the first place. I think back on the last 4+ years and I wonder where it all went. Where did the time go? Has it REALLY been THAT long? And I think, will it be another 1,565 days before I achieve MY goal? I hope not. I do know that I couldn't do it without all of you. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles makes it a little bit easier. What's the old saying? Misery loves company?

I've been keeping something from all of you. And it wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers post about her emotional struggle with a similar diagnosis that I realized I shouldn't be hiding this. This blog is supposed to be representative of my journey to our child. If I left this out, it wouldn't be accurate. So...along with my cervical dysplasia, I was diagnosed with HPV. Since then, I've struggled emotionally with it. I have no idea how or when I "got" it, or from who. I've been with my husband for 5 years and before that was in another relationship for almost 8 years. So either I "got" it 14 years ago or from my last long term relationship. I feel dirty and unclean, like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I was careful, wasn't out whoring around. Why did this have to happen to me? Along with all the IF shit that we have to deal with, now I have to worry about this.

There it is folks. It's out there. I no longer have an elephant in my room. But I don't feel any better about it.

An Empty Room

Mel had an interesting post that got me thinking. In her post, she talks about the room in her house that should be her "future baby's" room. In reading it, and the comments that followed, it got me thinking about "that" room in our house.

DH and I bought our 4 bedroom house in December of 2006. At that point we had been trying to have a baby for 3 years the "natural" way. We had started seeing a RE in May of 2006, but hadn't undertaken any ART treatments yet. While we walked through the house, I remember us talking about each bedroom and what we will make out of it.

Our office would be the room closest to our bedroom. It is in the front of the house, the smallest of all 4 rooms and gets alot of natural light. Perfect for those days that I would work from home. The room farthest from our bedroom, tucked away behind the stairs would be the guest bedroom. Whomever stays in it would have complete privacy. This room is also in the front of the house and has a small walk in closet and is across the hall from the guest bathroom.

The last room, the one in the back of the house, snuggled in the corner, with the large walk in closet and large sliding window would be our child's room. Because it was in the back of the house, no street noise or imposing street lights would reach our sleeping infant. The large sliding window is situated in the corner of the room, a perfect place to set a glider for those nights when our baby just wouldn't sleep. The large walk in closet would be perfect to store all of the extra diapers, clothes and toys that he/she just isn't big enough for yet. It's proximity to the master bedroom and guest bedrooms would be perfect for the nights I stayed up and let DH catch some zzz's. I imagined where I would place the crib, dresser, changing table etc.

Then we did our first IVF, and I was so excited that we might actually be using that room. My mom even gave us the dresser/changing table/armoire that I had as a kid as a starter. Then we got our BFN. I would pass by that room and see the dresser mocking me. Now the room sits dark. The blinds are shut from the outside world, no light passes onto those walls. The door remains closed. It sits unused in darkness. An empty room that I long to fill.

On Sabbatical no more

She didn't show up at the hit of the publish button...instead she waited until Saturday morning to grace me with her presence. I went to give blood in the morning and I failed the iron test...it was then I knew she was on her way. As much as I expected AF to arrive this month, as she does every single month, I was a little dismayed that my mid cycle spotting wasn't an indicator for something else. Needless to say, I basked in some retail therapy on my way from Life Source.

One thing I'm doing this year is planting my climbing roses. I already have 2 plants ready to be put in the ground, but I've been afraid to plant them lest the Midwest is bequeathed another frost. So I spent Saturday morning perusing the garden departments of the local Wal Mar* and Men ards looking for trellis' for my roses to climb. The one I really liked was what I thought a simple wooden ladder trellis. But it was $50! I can't see spending $50 on a trellis. Maybe it's just me. So I'm left now with no trellis and 2 rose bushes I can't plant because it's darn near too cold yet!

DH spent the day yesterday reseeding our backyard mosh pit in the hopes of some greenery this summer. I thought it was funny to have both dogs come into the house, not only with muddy paws, but muddy seedy paws! Maybe his efforts will pay off and we'll have a beautiful lawn this year...one can hope.

CD28

Jenna has good news!! Please go see her! Ellen also received good news today.

Today is CD28...my last 2 cycles were 32 and 26 days respectively. My 6 cycles before that were all 28 days exactly. So far, no sign of AF. I would really, really, really, really, really hate to be one of "those" women who happen to fall pg when they weren't trying. Though I would love to be pg. I can tell you though, I haven't "relaxed", haven't "gone on vacation", haven't "just adopted" or any of those other misnomers that are thrown at an IFW (infertile woman) by the fertile world. Is it wrong that I'm both praying for AF to show up and wishing her away at the same time?

I don't want to perpetuate the myth that's out there that "miracles do happen" and "all things come to those who wait"...but I would be so happy to not have to cycle again. All this worrying is probably for not. I'm sure AF will come charging in from her monthly sabbatical as soon as I hit the publish button.

Thoughts...

On the spotting front...most of it occurred on Saturday, I had a little (and I mean a little) on Sunday and Monday, but it wasn't anything I needed a liner for like I did on Saturday. All week I've been running the dates in my head and thinking, could that have been implantation spotting? Then reality kicks me in the ass and I have to laugh at myself. I remind myself that babies aren't made by having sex. They are made in a cold laboratory. At least in our case. Though part of me can't help but hold onto a teeny bit of hope, that maybe, just maybe I am wrong. That fate is finally throwing me a bone. I know it's silly, I know it's not going to happen. My brain knows all these things, but it has failed to convince my heart.

Spotting...maybe TMI

So we've not engaged in any cycling since last year...my last AF was 2/29 and ended on 3/4. Why then did I have cramping and brownish spotting on Saturday? I had been cleaning the house and when I finished I sat down on the couch. It was then that I started feeling...like I was getting my period. You know the feeling. I also felt like I was "dripping" for lack of a better term. So I went to the bathroom and sure enough, there was brown spotting. I had one streak of red. I have not had any further spotting since Saturday. Very weird. Anyone have mid cycle spotting? If so, what caused it? If you know.

Tag you're it

JJ and Wifethereof tagged me recently so here you go...

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules.
3. Share six non-important/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag three other people.
5. Make sure the people you tagged know you did by commenting on what you did.



1) I am always on my husband's left (except when we're driving)...I sit to his left on the couch when we watch TV, I sleep on the left side of our bed, I sit to his left at the dinner table at home, I sit to his left when we are in a group of people at a table, I walk on his left. I'm not sure why I do this, but it's something I've noticed.


2) In my 31 years, I have lived in 7 homes...but moved 9 times. Prior to getting married, I would live in an apartment for a year then move back with my parents for a short time...I went back 3 times before actually getting out for good.

3) I have kissed the Blarney Stone. Not those little tokens you get at an Irish store, the real Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle in Ireland. I went during high school and it was one of the things we really wanted to do. You have to sit down and hang onto this bar while you lean WAAAY back and basically hang upside down and kiss the stone.

4) I don't like walking in the grass barefoot or sitting in the grass. I can't stand the way the grass feels against my skin...gives me the heebee jeebees.

5) I am meticulously organized at work...everything is in it's place. But at home I struggle with keeping things organized.

6) I've been to England, Ireland, Wales, Mexico, Hawaii, New York, Boston, San Francisco, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Colorado, Arizona, Washington D.C., and Virginia.

That's about it. I tag Jen at Here We Go Again, Frank at (In) Fertile Frank, and In and Out of Luck.

Letter to my Body

As requested by Mel...here is my letter.


Dear Body,


You and I first met 31 years ago. I'll admit, I don't remember much about our early relationship, but we've been inseparable. My only question for you, my closest companion, is why? Why have you denied me so much in life and put me through so much pain? Are you punishing me for something I did early on in our relationship? For not exercising or eating right?

I remember when you bestowed a menstrual cycle on me. I was 13. Is the pain you caused any way to introduce a child to womanhood? The debilitating cramps, the body aches, the diarrhea. No drugs I pumped into you eased your rampage. Gone were the days of perfect attendance in school, for that first day each month, you made sure I was crying out in pain. That is, until my doctor prescribed birth control. Then I had you. I know you weren't happy to be reigned in, but it was the only way I could live each month. I hoped you'd understand.

Then you bestowed PCOS and thyroid issues on me. Why? Was being on bcp really SO bad? You had to throw more at me? Did you know that the acne, excess hair growth and weight gain associated with PCOS made high school a living hell for me? Did you care? I'm sure you knew as you and I spent many hours in my bedroom crying after school. Not that it changed anything. You only laughed at my sorrow.

But I think the worst thing of all that you've done has been to deny me the ability to become a mother. How can you do that to me? I can deal with all the past hardships you've thrown at me, and even forgive you for them, but this I can never forgive you for. Do you have any idea how much I feel like a failure? Procreation is the most primitive animal instinct, and you've denied me that privilege. All the procedures we've been through. Injecting dye into our uterus to blow out a blockage in our tubes. Surgery. Biopsies. And the countless trans vaginal ultrasounds, fondly named Dildocams. Body, you seem undeterred by all this. You won't give me an inch. Even after I injected you countless times with hormones. You won't back down. Why? Why? Why? Is it such a horrible thing that my husband and I feel the joy of pregnancy and parenthood? To look down upon a little bundle of joy and see ourselves?

I feel like I've treated you right over the years...maybe not excellent, but at the very least, I've been kind. I haven't doped you up with illegal drugs. Haven't poisoned our liver with alcohol. I sleep enough to refresh and invigorate you. I try to eat well...and I know I need to move you around more, but overall I've been good to you. I just wish you could give a little...just once.


Love,


Me

Finally some good news

My GYN's office called last night with the results of my biopsies...only mild cervical dysplasia! While I'm not thrilled abouting having ANY type of dysplasia...it puts me at ease. The only treatment is follow ups...so I have to have a PAP every 6 months instead of every year. AND I can still cycle! WOO HOO!

Oh Yea...Happy Valentines' Day to all!

Defeated

That's how I'm feeling. Like I can't fight anymore because everytime I throw a punch, I'm knocked back down on my ass by something else. I went for my colposcopy yesterday. And while the procedure itself wasn't painful, the outcome wasn't as I hoped. I have extensive cervical dysplasia. The GYN was "shocked" that I'd never had an abnormal PAP before. He took 3 biopsies and now I wait until March 5th to find out how bad it really is.

So on top of dealing with the hell that is IF, I have this to worry about. The GYN said that if I have mild dysplasia, there is no reason not to do another IVF cycle. However, if I have moderate or severe dysplasia, they will need to do further testing on my cervix...which could weaken it and prevent me from carrying a baby to term. The thought scares the shit out of me. Not only that, but the thought of cervical cancer at my age (31) scares me even more. I have so much I want to do in my life, I'm not ready for a diagnosis like that.

Postponed

My colposcopy has to be postponed because AF arrived today. They can't do the procedure until 3 days after your cycle ends...so instead of going for the colposcopy on Friday, I'll be doing CD3 BW and an antral follicle scan. Yay for me.

Colposcopy here I come

So I finally got in touch with the GYN...they want me to come in next Friday for a colposcopy. Dr Goo.gle says this is a painless procedure. Then why, might I ask, did the nurse tell me to take a pain killer 1 hour before coming in? Dr Goo.gle also said that an HSG is painless...but, this says differently, and I know better. My question is (and sorry this is TMI) should I not douche between now and next Friday? I usually only douche once a month...usually after my period...and I haven't this month. Anyone see any harm in it?

Has anyone had this done? Was it painful?

I Hate Doctors...

My PCP is the one who does my PAPs every year and he's really a very nice doctor...so when he said he wanted me to see a GYN, not only was I worried, but was also aprehensive. But I checked with my insurance and called a local GYN. They told me they needed my PCP to fax them my results BEFORE I can even make an appointment, so the GYN can see what my PCP wants and can decide if they'll see me. Can you believe that? I've never experienced anything like this! To make matters worse, they said they won't even call me back until at least Monday. So I have to wait all weekend...worrying about an abnormal PAP to even see if this GYN will SEE me. UUUGGGHH! This is why I can't stand doctors...

Another low blow...

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been sick the past week with some type of stomach bug. Anything I eat makes my stomach recoil. And no, I can't be pg. To top matters off, I went for my PAP last week. Results showed ASCUS. (Atypical cells of undetermined significance). Has anyone else had an abnormal PAP and had eveything turn out ok? My GP called at 7pm tonight with the results and it's not like I can run to a GYN this evening. I'm a little worried. Actually, I'm alot worried. I've never had an abnormal PAP. Dr Goo-gle says not to worry...but I can't help it.

AF came a caroling...

oh wait, that season is over. Anyway, AF did come raring her ugly head today. I'm miserable. Haven't had cramps like this in a LONG time. Plus, I have the chills and bodyaches. I hope I'm not coming down with anything.

You Are 56% A Child of the 80s

Back in the day, you were totally 80s. Tubular, totally tubular.

Are You a Child of an 80s?

Poignant Quote

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

I sure hope they're right. I realized yesterday that had my first IVF been successful, my due date would have been the 16th of January. The same day I am going back to see my new RE.

I'm a little late in doing my reflective post for 2007, but when it really came down to it, 2007 just was a bitch of a year for me and I really didn't want to reflect on it at all. 2007 found us undergoing our first IVF cycle, which left me emotionally devastated for months to come. So instead of reflecting, here are my plans for 2008:

- Attend yoga. I signed up for a free seminar through my clinic and if I enjoy it, I may have to find a regular class.
- Start 2nd IVF cycle. I have another consult with my new RE on the 16th of January to talk about next steps.
- Try acupuncture. Not for the IF, but for the relaxation. DH can attest, I've been one big bundle of stress and nerves the last few months and I can't seem to release any of it.
- Actually go to the gym. Both for the weight loss possibilities and the stress relief excersise is said to bring.
- Talk to DH more. I tend to not share with him exacting how I'm feeling because I feel that I'm adding to his stress, which then makes me feel guilty. I need to share more with him.
- Not stress. This one will be the hardest to achieve as I tend to take on alot and then stress over the pressure.

Hope everyone's holidays were bearable...here's to a new year.