Thursday, January 30, 2014

Sad realizations - A rambling post

I haven't seen my therapist since November.  I really need to get back in to see her.  Though I've been trying to put into action some of the things I had learned over the past 2 years.  Namely, not to catch the guilt...and to not let myself be manipulated.

These are hard things for me.  It means taking things I've learned over the past 15 years and undoing them.  It means breaking down walls that have been erected to protect my heart. 

Before I married my husband, the relationship I was in was not healthy.  I didn't know it at the time though.  But looking back, he would try to control me.  Would make me feel bad about myself...even told me that no one else would ever love me.  My reaction was to retreat into myself.  Not speak my opinion.  Not go out anywhere.  I left that relationship after 7 years.  7 years I allowed myself to be mentally beat up. 

It's just recently that I realized that those same things I despised about that relationship...happen in my marriage. 

If I'm playing on my phone...he asks which boyfriend I'm texting.

When I go to the grocery store...he jokes that I must be meeting my boyfriend.

If I take care in my appearance...he asks who I'm trying to impress.

This, coming from the guy who cheated on me twice in the last 2 years.

I don't have any friends left.  They've all moved on when they got tired of me declining their invitations. 

I'm at my happiest when he's at work.  The moment he comes home, I can feel myself tense up.  He's a very negative person.  And that negativity is weighing me down mentally.  Like with his most recent review.  He received a 2% increase.  And instead of being happy he received ANY raise at all...he complained about it.  And complained about the feedback he received from his boss. 

He yells alot as well.  At the dogs for drinking their water...or for walking around (yes, he does this) too much.  He yells at Lexi if she's too loud.  He sits on the couch watching TV...

My sister and her boyfriend were here for the holidays...he brought his 6 year old daughter again.  Something happened between the girls and they were arguing.  Instead of letting them figure it you...H yelled at them.  My sister's boyfriend, who was sitting in the kitchen with me...turns to H and says "Yea, you keep parenting from the couch while you watch your car shows...that's real effective parenting".  He said it in a joking tone...but it hit home for me.

H is a couch parenter.  He comes home from work.  Eats dinner...and plops on the couch to watch TV.  He doesn't engage Lexi at all in any type of play.  He doesn't read to her.  They have no daddy/daughter time at all.  He makes no time for it.  They went to a Daddy Daughter Dance at Lexi's school recently...but only because I paid for the tickets, photo and flower wristlet already.  It broke my heart to see how excited she was to finally get to spend time one on one with Daddy.

I've been saying for 2 years now that I don't know where my marriage is going.  Is it a loveless marriage?  Maybe.  I do care for H...but am I still in love with him?  I don't know.  How can you be in love with someone that you don't want to be around because of their negative, the world owes me, attitude?

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

13 of 16

Lexi is doing awesome on her sleep.  She's slept through 13 nights of the 16 there have been since we started the whole calendar sticker thing.  13 nights of uninterrupted sleep! 

She's very proud of herself and takes it hard when she doesn't get a sticker in the morning.  But it's a good lesson in "everyone fails at some point" and to keep trying and not give up.  I tell her every morning that I'm proud of her...regardless of it's a sticker morning or not.  She's really trying hard. 

I'm loving the loft bed too.  All her toys are concealed behind the curtain in bins.  She pulls them out to play...but takes the time to put them away...and she thinks it's FUN to put them away!  I'm not sure how long THAT will last...but I'm taking it. 

I won tickets from Sam's Blog to Disney on Ice!  We were debating on going this year...and I hadn't bought tickets yet.  So the win came at a great time!  This will be our 3rd year attending...and Lexi can't wait!

We're also planning a road trip to Virginia this summer to see my sister.  I wanted to go up to Erie and then to Niagara Falls...but maybe we'll do a long weekend for that.  Anyone have any suggestions on best time to head that way?  Ahem...Ike's mom? 

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

7 nights

It was 1:15am when I heard the call...MOMMA!

And so ended our 7 night stretch of all night sleeping. 

She was back to sleep in 15 minutes...but now she has to start all over again.  She wants lights in her fort...well, she needs 7 more stickers in a row to get them.  I'm not budging on that.  I originally said one month of stickers before she even got the bed...but because we found it in a clearance center, it was cash and go.  It may not have been there in a month and this was $400 cheaper than anything else we'd seen.  DH is the one who caved to putting it together right away.

She wasn't happy this morning about not getting a sticker.  Even asking me not to take her bed back to the store.  I just told her that she needs to try again...and that she doesn't get anymore additions to her bed (lights, hooks etc) until she earns more stickers.  She promised me to try again.  But I think 7 nights in a row, for a kid who hasn't slept all the way through the night in MONTHS, is something to be proud of (hence her curtains).  I don't want her to think one slip up unravels everything (DH wanted to take away the curtains...I overruled that) and that when she "falls off the horse" she just needs to get back up on it and try again.

I'm proud of my girl.  This was a big change for her...and quite honestly, I didn't expect her to sleep through the night the first two nights she had the bed...and she did.  She can do this.  She just needs to believe in herself the way I do.

Monday, January 13, 2014


Well, I didn't make it to my friend's on Sunday...I chose instead to make my little the "happiest girl on the planet" (her words). 

This is what we spent the weekend on.  We went "looking" again at beds on Saturday.  Happened upon this gem in the clearance center of a local store.  She loved it.  The price was right, so we got it and brought it home.  We weren't going to put it together...but Lexi successfully guilted Daddy into it.  So 90 minutes later, this is what we had. 

Saturday night was rough.  She didn't want to go to bed.  Kept making excuses about being hungry, thirsty...or needing a snuggle.  It finally came out that she was afraid of sleeping so high up.  I showed her how the guardrails keep her in the bed (made her roll over to the edge until she hit the rail) and told her mommy used to sleep on a top bunk when she was a girl (true story...just not until I was 7, which I left out).  Eventually, she fell asleep...90 minutes after her normal time.  And slept all night again!

Sunday was spent making this:

I took Lexi to the fabric store and let her choose a fabric for her "castle fort"...of course, she would pick the brightest pink.  I spent the afternoon pinning, ironing, sewing and hemming these.  She LOVES them.  I didn't think making 2 curtains would be so difficult...but it took me a few hours!  Originally I was going to use the grommet clips on the rod...but I sewed a little pocket and the tension rod slips right in.  I actually like the pink.  Her room is painted beige and all the wood work is white, so the pink brings a pop of color.  And I like how, when closed, you can't see the mess of toys back there! 

My next project is to take that brown chifrobe and sand it down and paint it white.  Then swap the brass pulls for the pink crystal looking ones.  Her room is slowly moving from a "nursery/toddler" room into a little girls room. 

So while I didn't get away...I did get to spend some time at my sewing machine (which I love) and see the look on Lexi's face when I was done. 

Friday, January 10, 2014

2014 - new beginnings

Christmas was good.  We did the usual Christmas at the in-laws on Christmas Eve, then our little family of 3 opened presents Christmas morning...though I should say, Lexi opened presents on Christmas morning.  DH and I didn't exchange...though I bought him something "from Lexi"...he didn't do the same.  Later, my parents came by and his parents (again) and Lexi opened more gifts (from my parents) and they all opened gifts "from Lexi" (shutterfly mugs).  My sister came in from Virginia on Friday night, so we had another Christmas on Saturday...this is when we exchanged our secret Santa presents.  So I finally got something to open! 

I know Christmas isn't about presents.  It's about family.  And being together.  But I couldn't help be transported back to the Christmas my sister got a laptop and I got pajamas. is what it is.

So onto my title...New Beginnings.  And I apologize up front...this will be all over the place.

I've come to realize that I've become quite isolated.  The friends I once held dear, are now only memories.  And I've also realized's because of DH.  He doesn't like me going out.  So anytime a friend called to hang out, I'd always decline...and eventually the phone stopped ringing.  WHY doesn't he like me going out you might ask?  Well, I can only speculate...because if you ask him, I can go...but then I get the guilt trip when I get back about how long I was gone and how much money I may or may not have spent.  I think it's because he thinks I'll cheat on him.  Since he's done it to me twice in 2 years.  Payback kinda thing.  Not that I would. 

The last time I went out with a friend is when I found out DH was spending his lunch breaks at another woman's house back in May.  But that's because I up and walked out on him.  And the whole time I was gone he was texting me to come home.  Before that was a dinner with a very pregnant friend back in November 2012.  Don't get me wrong...we go out with friends...but it's always both of us and Lexi.  I don't have any ME time.  My ME time is spent at the grocery store, with Lexi. 

I joke with my mom that I'm a married single parent.  From the time Lexi gets up to when she goes to bed, I'm her primary caregiver.  I help her dress, make her breakfast, make sure she brushes her teeth...all before DH leaves for work.  What's he doing?  Watching TV.  I get Lexi off to school...pick her up...take her to daycare on the days she attends (my mom picks her up Wed - Fri since she's here).  I make sure she has extracurriculars like her gymnastics.  I make sure she does her homework, takes a bath, gets dinner, goes to bed on time.  EVERYDAY.  Yes, I know I'm her mom...and that's my job.  One I do willingly.  But she has a FATHER that lives here.  He works 9-5 so it's not like he's gone during these busy times of day.  It would be nice if he would contribute to her daily routine.  The last time he gave her a bath...she was an infant.  And at this point...there isn't much to it.  Fill tub, wash hair, let her play.  She will wash the rest of herself.  When she's done...well, long curly hair requires combing and either braids or blow dry.

My therapist had told me last year...that there is nothing wrong with going out with a friend and I should not allow him to make me feel guilty for doing it.  I think I'm finally at the point where I believe that.  So I'm going to a friend's house on Sunday.  This is someone I've known since kindergarten but haven't "hung out" with in years.  I'm hoping it's a stepping stone to starting anew with my friends.

The other New Beginning is for Lexi. 

I've pretty well documented that she has not been a good sleeper.  It started in August 2012...when she would NOT sleep in her room.  Eventually, her toddler bed was brought into our room and we all enjoyed full night's sleep.  Well, DH didn't want her in there she was moved again in roughly September, back to her the toddler bed.  Since then, we've had to sit with her until she falls asleep...and she doesn't sleep all night.  Waking and calling out for me almost every night.  We tried to ignore her...she just gets worked up that no one is responding to her.  So one of us usually ends up sitting in there with her in the middle of the night until she's back fun. 

Well, this past weekend, we decided to look at new beds for Lexi.  She sleeps in her toddler bed, but also has a twin size "hand me down" bed.  It's not very pretty or we thought a new bed was in order.  Well, Lexi fell in love with the idea of a loft bed.  We decided to tell her that if she can sleep all night, without calling for us, for a whole month (DH said 5 nights in a row thinking she couldn't do it) she could pick a new bed.  We made her a calendar and taped it to her door.  We said that she'd get a sticker each morning she woke up and hadn't called for us the night before.  This way, she could track it herself.  That was Monday.  She now has 4 stickers on her calendar.  Yep, all 4 nights she's slept.  And she's SO proud of herself and SO excited about this new bed. 

In hindsight, I think we moved her to a big bed too soon.  She wasn't even two when we switched.  DH really wanted to get the crib out of her room...and we thought we might be needing it for I went along with it.  It is what it is.