Monday, February 25, 2013

Knocked down

I feel like whenever I try to do something positive to try and pick myself up, H is always knocking me back down.

I'm fat...I've gained 70lbs in the 10 years I've been with H.  At the beginning of the year, I vowed, again, that I would lose it once and for all.  And each time I was met with resistance:

Me: I'm thinking about getting a treadmill
H: What the heck for?

Me: I want to lose 90 lbs
H: Who do you want to lose weight for all of a sudden?

Me: (Looking at the Color Run website) This might be fun
H: Why are you suddenly into running and losing weight?

Me: I want to feel good about myself again
H:  Well, I love you the way you are.  (said in a tone that implied I should as well)

Mind you...these conversations have all happened on different different times.  I feel like no matter what I'm being pushed back down.  And I don't like it.

I bought my treadmill's sitting in my dining room.  I want it in the basement.  We'll see how long it takes before I have to ask my neighbor to help take it down for me.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Having the conversation

It started as me asking him to please see a counselor on his own.  That I know things have been stressful and maybe he can vent to someone who can provide some perspective.  It quickly became a "bash Amy" session. 

He doesn't think he needs counseling...his stress comes from me and if I "fix" me his stress will go away.

I'm NOT broken

Seperation was brought up...not as a path to divorce, but as a means to "start over"

He says I'm selfish because my priorities are Lexi, Me, that order.  And not Lexi, Him, Me.  He thinks I should put him before myself.

Among other things, I've screwed him by making us go bankrupt, I'm a princess who gets angry when I don't get my way, and I haven't tried to make things work...even though he has.

He says he is willing to anything to save our marriage...can't imagine life without me...but yet he won't see the counselor?

My therapist says I'm easily manipulated and he's taking advantage of that. 

I'm so confused, hurt, angry, sad...

Friday, February 1, 2013

Getting to know me

Sorry I've been absent from this place.  DH has been known to frequent my blog and I'm not comfortable being completely honest here anymore.  So any posts feel like a fib...but I'm going to try to be honest in this post.

  • Lexi is still sleeping in our room.  I've given up trying to put her to bed in her bed at night...sitting with her for over an hour waiting for her to fall asleep, only to have her come into my room 90 minutes later was getting tiring.  Now, she goes to bed in the toddler bed in our room and sleeps all night.  I don't care at this point.  She's sleeping...we're sleeping...
  • DH got a full time job...HALLELUAH! 
  • Above full time job means he is no longer attending counseling with me.  I'm trying to get him to go on his own...but it's falling on deaf ears.
  • Above full time job also means Lexi is back in daycare on Mondays and my mom is coming back out 2 days a week to watch Lexi...I have her while I work from home the other 2 days a week.  Thank the Lord for a flexible manager.
  • Things haven't been good between DH and I.  It's a wake up call when your counselor suggests a seperation. 
  • I don't know how to begin to have said conversation with DH as the suggestion came in a session he didn't attend.