Wednesday, November 18, 2009

300th post

This is my 300th post. 300. Wow. It took me just over 2 years to get to 300 since I don't post everyday. But still an achievement nonetheless.

I'm hoping that one day FAR into the future, Lexi can read these posts. Maybe it will give her a little insight into who her mom is when I'm not telling her to be home at x time, or no, she can't have the car. Maybe these words that I type will allow her to see that, while mom may not let her get away with murder, I love her. And have loved her since before she was ever conceived.

I'm not the best communicator person to person. I love yous weren't prevalent in my family growing up. I knew my parent's loved me, but the words were never spoken. Feelings weren't talked about. I want that openness with Lexi. I want to tell her how much I love her. I want her to be able to tell me how she's feeling, even if it means she doesn't like me at the moment. I want her to be able to come to me without fear of reproach. I grew up afraid of my mother. And while that fear kept me from doing anything "wild", it also meant that I didn't tell her things because I was afraid of her reaction. I was afraid she wouldn't be proud of me...that I would disappoint her. I'm really hoping to instill in Lexi that I'm proud of her no matter what...that she could never do something that would make me love her less. How does one do that? I'm hoping that by telling her how much I love her, and how proud I am of her, and how I react to things will bring about a confidence in her that will enable her to see that. And I'm hoping that these posts will help.

When I started this blog, Lexi was just a glimmer in my eye. A dream. But I still had plans to one day print every post and make a book for her. I still do. I'm just not sure when an appropriate time would be. Her life is just starting...there will be many, many posts to come about things she's doing, accomplishments she's well as frustrations I'm having. While the first 300 posts are done...I look forward to 300 more.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Season of Giving

I read an article in my local newspaper that said charities are expecting a huge decline in the amount of donations they receive this holiday season. I then went to lunch and walked past no less than 3 homeless people sitting in various places along the way (I only have to go across the street to get to a place that has numerous lunch options). It got me thinking. DH and I are by no means well off. We live paycheck to paycheck and dip into our savings each month to make ends meet. But we have a savings. And we have a house, and food on the table (well, in the cupboards) and clean clothes to wear, and toys for our daughter.

I have a "no giving" policy when it comes to giving money to panhandlers. I've been burned too many times by people posing as someone in need, only to see them get into a flashy car, or change into a fur coat. But I will do what I can, when I can. Case in point. There is a homeless man, who sits in the same spot on the other side of the bridge from where I work. Everyday, without fail, he's sitting there, reading last week's newspaper, or whatever book he's happened upon. He has a cup in front of him, but he doesn't ask for anything, nor does he "plead" his case on a make shift sign. I know he's homeless because last winter I stopped to talk to him. He lost his job a few years back and ended up losing everything. He can't find work and he has a hard time because he has no permanent address. On my way to work, occasionally, I would stop and pick him up some apple, or a banana. Something for him to keep in his bag "for later". The look on his face would be priceless when I would hand him the bag. A few weeks back, I got him a turkey sandwich from a local sandwich shop. He was so grateful, and even said he shouldn't really accept it because it was "too much".

My company is having a food drive to benefit the local food depository. I plan on going home tonight and cleaning out my cupboards and bringing anything I'm not going to use (within reason of course).

I may not be rich, but I believe in karma. I know that if I was in a position to have to visit a food bank, I'd hope that those who could give, would, so that my family could enjoy dinner.

The point of this post? I'm not really sure. As the holidays grow closer, I guess my feelings of "thanksgiving" are getting stronger. I'm grateful for what I have...and want to share what I can, when I can. I urge everyone to do the same.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

7 months old (2 days late) with pics

Lexi turned 7 months old on Tuesday. Here are some pics of her from her latest photo shoot...

Friday, November 6, 2009

30 weeks

Dear Alexis,

Has it seriously been 30 weeks since your birthday? I can hardly believe the time has gone by so quickly. You're becoming quite the little lady at a mere 7 months old (on Tuesday!). And you're wowing Mommy and Daddy everyday with your development.

You can sit up all by yourself support needed. It seemed to happen overnight. One day you were still all folded in half, the next day you were sitting up so straight! And you love this new found view of the world. You happily sit in your highchair without leaning back and you LOVE sitting in the shopping cart at the store. You also now sit in the highchairs at the restaurants, or in the seat we have that clips to the table. You are so happy to be a part of everything.

You've outgrown your car seat. Well, sort of. When you have your coat on, the straps don't want to we had to go out and buy you a "big girl" seat. This one lets you ride rear facing still...but will stay with you until you're 8 years old (if it lasts that long).

You're also rolling over both ways now and have discovered your feet...which promptly go into your mouth every chance you get. To be that flexible again...

You've started eating the Ger.ber puffs and yogurt melts and think they are the most fascinating things. We also have been giving you frozen grapes in your little mesh feeder to help with your swollen gums...oh yea! You're getting BOTH your top teeth at the same time. I predict that they will emerge within the next week. Your little gums are red and swollen, and we can see the white teeth just below the surface. You are chewing on EVERYTHING and drooling like a also haven't been eating much the last 3 days, but we know that it's because of those teeth. Mommy has to admit, you are a VERY good teether...while you're a little more fussy these last few days, you are still very easy to console.

You've been sleeping through the night like a champ as well. It was like you just decided one night, "Eh, I think I'll skip my 2am ba ba and just sleep from now on". It's amazing.

You are also "talking" all.the.time. "Dadadada and babababa" are your favorites. But you reserve the "Mamama"s for when you're upset. Crying with your arms outstretched to mommy is a new's SO cute and tugs at Mommy's heart each time.

Oh peanut, time sure has gone by in a flash. I'm excited to have you experience your first holiday season, but don't want you growing up too fast. I know that, all too soon, there will come a time when you no longer want to be held and snuggled...and will want to do things all by yourself (heck, this is starting already) Mommy relishes these "baby" times. You'll be a big girl way too soon. Always remember that Mommy loves you more than anything in this world.

Love always,


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

A sibling for Lexi?

No, I'm not pregnant. But I have thought about giving Lexi a little brother or sister. But I'm conflicted. I love Lexi SO much...right now, I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love her. Is that wrong? Am I crazy to think that way? I can't even accurately describe my feelings...

I loved being pregnant. Sure, there were things that I didn't like, such as the bleeding scares, the swollen feet and the evil crotch pain...but it was the most amazing feeling, knowing she was there, feeling her move, experiencing every hiccup, playing guess the body part...but the best part was sitting quietly in her nursery and talking to her. Feeling her respond. Knowing she felt what I felt. She's the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. I can't imagine NOT experiencing a pregnancy again. But then I think part of what made it so special was the fact that she was my first. I know every pregnancy is special and unique, but for me, because she was/is in every way our miracle baby, made it even more meaningful to me.

What if I don't feel the same about future pregnancies? Will that mean I'll love the child any less? I don't think so...but it's hard to think about. DH and I had said we wanted our children to be about 2 years apart. That means we would have to start a new IVF cycle sometime after Lexi's first birthday to have that age gap...and that's assuming the cycle works. I don't know if I'll be ready to experience another pregnancy by her first birthday. It doesn't seem like enough time to focus on HER. She's almost 7 months old...and I still can't imagine sharing my time with another child. I love being with her and her alone. Am I making any sense? Probably not. All I know, is my heart is overflowing with love for my daughter...I'd love to give her a sibling to grow up with and play with, but I'm being selfish...I want her all to myself.