Monday, March 31, 2008

On Sabbatical no more

She didn't show up at the hit of the publish button...instead she waited until Saturday morning to grace me with her presence. I went to give blood in the morning and I failed the iron was then I knew she was on her way. As much as I expected AF to arrive this month, as she does every single month, I was a little dismayed that my mid cycle spotting wasn't an indicator for something else. Needless to say, I basked in some retail therapy on my way from Life Source.

One thing I'm doing this year is planting my climbing roses. I already have 2 plants ready to be put in the ground, but I've been afraid to plant them lest the Midwest is bequeathed another frost. So I spent Saturday morning perusing the garden departments of the local Wal Mar* and Men ards looking for trellis' for my roses to climb. The one I really liked was what I thought a simple wooden ladder trellis. But it was $50! I can't see spending $50 on a trellis. Maybe it's just me. So I'm left now with no trellis and 2 rose bushes I can't plant because it's darn near too cold yet!

DH spent the day yesterday reseeding our backyard mosh pit in the hopes of some greenery this summer. I thought it was funny to have both dogs come into the house, not only with muddy paws, but muddy seedy paws! Maybe his efforts will pay off and we'll have a beautiful lawn this can hope.

Thursday, March 27, 2008


Jenna has good news!! Please go see her! Ellen also received good news today.

Today is last 2 cycles were 32 and 26 days respectively. My 6 cycles before that were all 28 days exactly. So far, no sign of AF. I would really, really, really, really, really hate to be one of "those" women who happen to fall pg when they weren't trying. Though I would love to be pg. I can tell you though, I haven't "relaxed", haven't "gone on vacation", haven't "just adopted" or any of those other misnomers that are thrown at an IFW (infertile woman) by the fertile world. Is it wrong that I'm both praying for AF to show up and wishing her away at the same time?

I don't want to perpetuate the myth that's out there that "miracles do happen" and "all things come to those who wait"...but I would be so happy to not have to cycle again. All this worrying is probably for not. I'm sure AF will come charging in from her monthly sabbatical as soon as I hit the publish button.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


On the spotting front...most of it occurred on Saturday, I had a little (and I mean a little) on Sunday and Monday, but it wasn't anything I needed a liner for like I did on Saturday. All week I've been running the dates in my head and thinking, could that have been implantation spotting? Then reality kicks me in the ass and I have to laugh at myself. I remind myself that babies aren't made by having sex. They are made in a cold laboratory. At least in our case. Though part of me can't help but hold onto a teeny bit of hope, that maybe, just maybe I am wrong. That fate is finally throwing me a bone. I know it's silly, I know it's not going to happen. My brain knows all these things, but it has failed to convince my heart.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Spotting...maybe TMI

So we've not engaged in any cycling since last last AF was 2/29 and ended on 3/4. Why then did I have cramping and brownish spotting on Saturday? I had been cleaning the house and when I finished I sat down on the couch. It was then that I started I was getting my period. You know the feeling. I also felt like I was "dripping" for lack of a better term. So I went to the bathroom and sure enough, there was brown spotting. I had one streak of red. I have not had any further spotting since Saturday. Very weird. Anyone have mid cycle spotting? If so, what caused it? If you know.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Tag you're it

JJ and Wifethereof tagged me recently so here you go...

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules.
3. Share six non-important/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag three other people.
5. Make sure the people you tagged know you did by commenting on what you did.

1) I am always on my husband's left (except when we're driving)...I sit to his left on the couch when we watch TV, I sleep on the left side of our bed, I sit to his left at the dinner table at home, I sit to his left when we are in a group of people at a table, I walk on his left. I'm not sure why I do this, but it's something I've noticed.

2) In my 31 years, I have lived in 7 homes...but moved 9 times. Prior to getting married, I would live in an apartment for a year then move back with my parents for a short time...I went back 3 times before actually getting out for good.

3) I have kissed the Blarney Stone. Not those little tokens you get at an Irish store, the real Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle in Ireland. I went during high school and it was one of the things we really wanted to do. You have to sit down and hang onto this bar while you lean WAAAY back and basically hang upside down and kiss the stone.

4) I don't like walking in the grass barefoot or sitting in the grass. I can't stand the way the grass feels against my me the heebee jeebees.

5) I am meticulously organized at work...everything is in it's place. But at home I struggle with keeping things organized.

6) I've been to England, Ireland, Wales, Mexico, Hawaii, New York, Boston, San Francisco, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Colorado, Arizona, Washington D.C., and Virginia.

That's about it. I tag Jen at Here We Go Again, Frank at (In) Fertile Frank, and In and Out of Luck.

Monday, March 3, 2008

Letter to my Body

As requested by is my letter.

Dear Body,

You and I first met 31 years ago. I'll admit, I don't remember much about our early relationship, but we've been inseparable. My only question for you, my closest companion, is why? Why have you denied me so much in life and put me through so much pain? Are you punishing me for something I did early on in our relationship? For not exercising or eating right?

I remember when you bestowed a menstrual cycle on me. I was 13. Is the pain you caused any way to introduce a child to womanhood? The debilitating cramps, the body aches, the diarrhea. No drugs I pumped into you eased your rampage. Gone were the days of perfect attendance in school, for that first day each month, you made sure I was crying out in pain. That is, until my doctor prescribed birth control. Then I had you. I know you weren't happy to be reigned in, but it was the only way I could live each month. I hoped you'd understand.

Then you bestowed PCOS and thyroid issues on me. Why? Was being on bcp really SO bad? You had to throw more at me? Did you know that the acne, excess hair growth and weight gain associated with PCOS made high school a living hell for me? Did you care? I'm sure you knew as you and I spent many hours in my bedroom crying after school. Not that it changed anything. You only laughed at my sorrow.

But I think the worst thing of all that you've done has been to deny me the ability to become a mother. How can you do that to me? I can deal with all the past hardships you've thrown at me, and even forgive you for them, but this I can never forgive you for. Do you have any idea how much I feel like a failure? Procreation is the most primitive animal instinct, and you've denied me that privilege. All the procedures we've been through. Injecting dye into our uterus to blow out a blockage in our tubes. Surgery. Biopsies. And the countless trans vaginal ultrasounds, fondly named Dildocams. Body, you seem undeterred by all this. You won't give me an inch. Even after I injected you countless times with hormones. You won't back down. Why? Why? Why? Is it such a horrible thing that my husband and I feel the joy of pregnancy and parenthood? To look down upon a little bundle of joy and see ourselves?

I feel like I've treated you right over the years...maybe not excellent, but at the very least, I've been kind. I haven't doped you up with illegal drugs. Haven't poisoned our liver with alcohol. I sleep enough to refresh and invigorate you. I try to eat well...and I know I need to move you around more, but overall I've been good to you. I just wish you could give a little...just once.