Playing catch up

A few things:

1) I found out my tree was eaten by the Japanese Beetle. Yuck. My neighbors have had similar experiences with their trees (one went to water the tree and about 500 bugs flew off it) so our neighborhood H0me Dep0t has been wiped clean of traps. I managed to get one, my neighbor 2. DH put it on the fence yesterday, and by evening the bag was bulging with all the bugs inside. The good thing is the tree can come back...there are still green buds on the branches.

2) DH had a fabulous time at the race. The night of the race they had perfect weather as a cold front came through that afternoon. Temps were only in the 60s once the sun went down...and no humidity. He took LOTS of pics, but I haven't even looked at all of them yet. I know there are some pretty cool shots of the awesome sunset we had that night over the track.

3) TMI...I've again got mid-cycle spotting. Not enough to warrant a pantyliner even, but it's there when I use the bathroom. It's not red, but brown. This isn't fun.

4) I received a copy of the bloodwork that my PCP ordered for me on Saturday. My thyr0id antibodies were extremely high. Like 485, when normal is less than 100. My PCP only said to let my RE know. When I called the RE's office, they didn't seem concerned, but of course I had to consult Dr G00gle and found this article and immediately became concerned because I start Lupr0n next week for this cycle. I want to have every possible chance at a BFP, and now I find out 1 week before the start that I could have MORE issues than I already know I have?? Anyone have experience with thyr0id antibodies?

Arborists please help

Not sure what those people who know alot about trees are called...is it arborists or botanists? Anyway, I need help. DH and I planted a Little Leaf Linden in our backyard last fall...and the tree has been doing well. It's only about 8 - 10 feet tall at this point, but today I noticed that ALL the leaves are brown. And upon further inspection, their not just brown, but have little holes in all of them. This leads me to believe that my beloved tree has some kind of disease...can anyone tell me what would cause this and what I can do to keep my tree alive?

Alone

No, I'm not feeling down and out. I'm just physically alone...for the whole weekend. See, its race weekend here...and Nas.car fever has been bubbling in my small town. We're approximately 10 miles (if that) from the speedway and all I've seen today is RVs heading east towards the raceway. Now, the actual race isn't until tomorrow, but I dropped hubby off at 6:45 this morning with his buddies. They will be RVing at the speedway until Sunday. Luckily, the also have tickets to get into the race, so as long as the weather cooperates, they'll be trackside. It's not often that I'm home alone for long. I actually don't like being home by myself at night. Now, I know I have my 2 trusty canines to keep me company, but it will be strange not having hubby in the bed next to me. But I'll make the most of it.

I'm working from home today (missed my train b/c I dropped DH off) and tomorrow I'm supposed to spend the day with a girlfriend who just moved back into the area with her DH. Should be an interesting day. Sunday, I have plans with my mom...going to breakfast, shopping, and pedis. Lord knows I NEED A PEDI SO BAD! I'm embarrassed to take my socks off!

Anyway, that's about all I have for now...except that my meds should arrive tomorrow. Yippee! I'll post the obligatory med photo, but most likely not until Sunday as DH took the camera with him!

I've been summoned...

by the county I live in to serve as a juror. Normally, I would be happy to oblige, but the week I'm scheduled to be there is the week I'll be stimming. I have no idea if I'd be able to have all my monitoring appointments done by 7:30am. My county does things a little differently than the other counties I've lived in. They require you to serve for a whole week, or for the duration of a trial, whichever is longer. The best part is, you have to call each night to see if you are in the 8:30am shift or the 1:30pm shift or both. Not something a commuter can really do. So I'm going to have to plead "Hardship" this time around and hope that they can reschedule me for later in the year.

Now, onto more important issues...my protocol. Got my schedule in the mail the other day (I had them mail it since I didn't need injection training again). I will be doing the BCP/Low Dose Long Lupr0n protocol:

Begin bcp 7/2 - done
Last BCP 7/22
Start Lupr0n (10 units) 7/22 once per day btwn 7 & 10pm
Once I get my Lupr0n period I'll start stims on day 3
F0llistim 225iu & Men0pur 75iu once per day btwn 7 & 10pm
Reduce Lupr0n to 5 units daily
ER should be sometime around 8/12 or so
Night of ER - Begin baby aspirin
3 days post ER - PI0 injections and suppositories start (yuck not looking forward to this)
6 days post ER - Start Viv.elle patches
PG test will be 12 days after 3 day transfer or 10 days after 5 day transfer

Now I have to call my RE's office and find out when I can expect the big box o'love in the mail.

Pics

As promised, here are some pics from my weekend...I'll do an actual post tomorrow with my cycle protocol...

This is a picture of the harbor on Lake Michigan looking toward the planetarium.

Some fireworks shots...

And finally some shots of the dogs enjoying splashing around in their pool...

This is the 7 month old...Buddy:

Both Buddy and Sox:

And another of both...that's Sox with his head in the water! They were having SO much fun!

And finally...because I'm a proud momma...my baby Buddy (Sox wouldn't sit still for a good photo):

I Love Vacation

and I'm always sorry when it ends.

Wednesday was RE day. We pretty much did nothing after the appointment...except I started getting things ready to leave.

Thursday morning was spent playing with the dogs since we wouldn't see them for 24 hours. This was the first time I would be away from the puppy for more than a work day. My dad had agreed to come over after work, pick up our car where we were leaving it at the train station (he was taking the train that was coming into that station anyway) and stay at our house for the night. DH and I took the train into the city...checked into our hotel (the Hard R0ck is VERY nice...small but nice) and proceeded to have dinner at this restaurant. We knew we weren't going to eat at the fest...too expensive. The fireworks were great. We had a front row seat (albeit a concrete one) on the lakefront for the show.

Friday we spent the day at the in-laws.

Saturday and Sunday were spent lounging around and playing with the dogs in their pool. I will post pictures as soon as I can upload them from the camera.

Cycle #2 begins

Went to the RE today to have my CD3 bw & u/s done. Though today is only CD2. My FSH levels were high again...12.3, compared to 9 in February. But they don't see any reason not to move forward, except I will be watched closely for OHSS. I start bcp this evening and will take 21 days, followed by 10 days of Lupr0n. So Lupr0n starts around 7/22. Then I will be on 75 of Men0pur and 225 of F0llistim. I had some Repr0nex left, but it expires in August. I donated it to the clinic in the hopes that someone who is stimming now can use it. We're tentatively looking at ER and ET around 8/12. It seems SO far away.

I've never been happier

to have gotten AF! I've been a little nervous as I really wanted her to come Sunday or yesterday so when I see my RE tomorrow, I'd really be closer to the CD3. But she arrived about 15 minutes ago, so I'm hoping my RE will still be able to run all the CD3 work. I'm happy to be able to start a new cycle...as apprehensive as I am, at least now, I feel like we're moving forward and not stuck in limbo.

More later.

And the results are...

6 vials of sperm! Yes, the andrologist, Paul, was able to get 6 vials of sperm from DH's sample on Wednesday. Unfortunately, DH didn't ask him about the freeze/thaw cycle they did, or any other relevant information like how many sperm were in each vial and if they were able to "weed out" the bad ones. He doesn't think to ask things like that, but I can't fault him. The last thing he wants to be talking about with another guy is the quality (and quantity) of his man juice.

I'm on vacation next week! Well, not all of next week. But Wednesday through Sunday! Long weekends...gotta love 'em. DH and I are going to attend the fireworks at this huge festival. Can I just say that I'm utterly impressed it has it's own Wiki page? Anyway, the fireworks are held on the 3rd. I haven't attended in about 10 years, since there are always millions (and I do mean millions) of people who flock to the lakefront to see them. Trying to contend with all those people trying to get home via the "L" or Metra is just too much for me. This year though, we decided we would stay here instead of fighting the crowds. I was shocked that they still had rooms available as late as Monday when I booked. Any other Midwesterners venturing to the lakefront for this binge fest?

Frozen swimmers

In preparation for our upcoming cycle, DH went today to provide a sperm specimen that we will freeze. To answer a commenter's question...we are freezing a sample of sperm ahead of time because DH has poor morphology and really low counts. His last SA came back at 11 million sperm with only 3% of those being "normal". Plus, his SA's have been all over the place as far as counts. This 11 million was alot...he's been as low as 2 million. So we want to ensure that, should he not provide his best sample on the day of retrieval, that we have a backup so as not to repeat our last cycle performance.

I also received yesterday the clearance letter from my GYN to proceed with this cycle. See, because I was diagnosed HPV positive and with mild cervical dysplasia on my PAP last January, my RE wanted something from my GYN saying he gives me the green light to go ahead with this. I guess my RE doesn't want to take any responsibility should I get pg and develop cancer or something. But see, she's assuming I get pg.

I wanted to give shouts out to Jen, Mel, and JJ who all received BFP's this past week. Maybe some of that Braces Bunch luck will befriend me come the beginning of August.

Also, Jacki received some bad news today...go give her a hug.

Lastly, wanted to thank all my readers and commenters. You all mean the world to me, and I know I don't update this blog enough (hopefully, that will change now that I'm cycling again) but I really appreciate all those who continue to check back with me. Lots of love and ((HUGS)).

P.S. I've posted 11 posts in June...the most of any month since starting this blog. See, I'm getting better!

********************
To answer Familyoftwo's questions:

I haven't talked to DH yet today to see if they gave him results...I doubt he'll have them today. Paul, the guy in charge, knows we will be doing ICSI this cycle. I guess they do the wash a little differently with ICSI than they would usually do. He will also be taking a small portion of the normal sample and freezing and thawing it to see how they survive the thaw. We will be sending my RE this frozen sample on ER day regardless. But I guess whether or not they use it is something I need to ask at our consult on the 2nd. Thanks!

A new beginning?

As our upcoming cycle grows closer, DH and I have been thinking more and more about what we will do if we get a negative result. See, we bought our current 4 bedroom, 3 bath house with the intention of filling it with children's laughter. Of building our family around this structure. If children aren't in our future, then neither one of us wants this house. It would just be a painful reminder of what we don't have; and it's a pain in the butt to clean. Now, selling a house with the market the way it is, isn't the smartest thing...but we bought this house WAY under market value in 2006. Even with the decline in housing prices, our house is still worth more than what we paid for it. We wouldn't realize the huge profit we originally thought we would, but we wouldn't be upside down either.

Our thoughts have begun to run into selling the house and moving out of state. We're currently about 50 miles outside of Chicago. We have no real downtown area as the village was originally vacation homes for the doctors and lawyers from Chicago in the 1950's and 1960's. A small, growing community that is quickly becoming congested and "busy". We both long for open land. Of having a few acres between us and our neighbors. Of not having the traffic congestion or pollution that comes with a growing community. Of being able to relax on our patio without worrying that the neighbor's dog is going to start yapping just because. So we've been playing around with this idea.

The thing that really weighs on my mind is the fact that we won't get to see our families. I think my parents would be heart broken if we weren't within driving distance. Plus, all our friends are here. Have any of you ever moved to a new city? How did your families cope? How did you research where you wanted to live?

Now, we've both never lived anywhere other than the Chicagoland area. It's a little exciting to me to think about moving to a city I've never been to. But a little scary too. I'd like to move somewhere that has some history. Somewhere we could get a few acres and not break the bank. Yet somewhere that is close enough to a city to be able to drive there to enjoy the nightlife or other goings on. Somewhere that has grocery stores and shopping...it doesn't have to be chain supermarkets and Wal Mar.t, just a local store. I don't want to roast in the summer (so Phoenix is out) and I don't want to freeze in the winter (no to Juneau as well). Anyone have any suggestions? Just so you know...we've played with Columbus, Ohio, and I've looked at Knoxville, TN real estate (though I don't understand the different area numbers). And my DH mentioned Ravensden, Arkansas (though I put the kabosh on that one)

How's that for thinking positive? We haven't even begun our cycle and we're already contemplating what we're going to do when it's over.

On the IF Front...

DH has his appointment for next Wednesday to give another sperm donation...this time, it will be frozen in anticipation of our upcoming IVF cycle.

I'm nervous and giddy at the same time about this cycle. I'm so excited to be moving forward again, to be doing something. Instead of feeling like the time is just sailing past us. But I'm also very nervous. We had a horrible experience last time, and while I know this RE is 100x better, and I've read posts from women who have seen her, I still can't help being a little weary. I mean, we have a limited amount of insurance coverage, and IVF wouldn't even be possible for us without it. I felt like I wasted insurance dollars last cycle, and I just don't want to feel that way again. I really want this to work and to be able to give DH the opportunity to be a father.

Another Meme...

Found this one someone's blog (I'm sorry I can't remember who I stole it from) and thought I'd give it a whirl...

Here’s a list of things and you have to bold the ones that you have done. So here goes:

Bought everyone in the bar a drink
Swam with wild dolphin
Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
Been inside the Great Pyramid
Held a tarantula
Taken a candle lit bath
Said I love you and meant it
Hugged a Tree
Bungee jumped
Visited Paris
Watched a lightening storm at sea
Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise
Seen the Northern Lights
Gone to a huge sports game
Walked the stairs to the top of the Leaning Tower of Pisa
Grown and eaten your own vegetables
Touched an iceberg
Slept under the stars
Changed a baby’s diaper
Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
Watched a meteor shower
Gotten drunk on champagne
Given more than you can afford to charity
Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
Had a food fight
Bet on a winning horse
Asked out a stranger
Had a snowball fight
Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
Held a lamb
Seen a total eclipse
Ridden a roller coaster
Hit a home run
Danced like a fool, not caring who watched
Adopted an accent for an entire day
Actually felt happy about your life, even for a moment
Had two hard drives for your computer
Visited all 50 states
Taken care of someone who was too drunk
Had amazing Friends
Danced with a Stranger in a foreign country
Watched wild whales
Stolen a sign
Hitchhiked in Europe
Taken a road-trip
Gone rock climbing
Midnight walk on the beach
Gone sky diving
Visited Ireland
Been heartbroken longer than you were in love
In a restaurant sat at a stranger’s table and ate with them
Visited Japan
Milked a cow
Alphabetized your CDs
Pretended to be a superhero
Sung karaoke
Lounged around in bed all day
Posed nude in front of strangers
Gone scuba diving
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Played in the rain
Gone to a drive-in theater
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
Toured ancient sites
Taken a martial arts class
Played a computer game for more than 6 hours straight
Gotten married
Been in a movie
Crashed a party
Gotten divorced
Gone without food for 5 days
Made cookies from scratch
Won first prize in a costume contest
Ridden a gondola in Venice
Gotten a tattoo
Rafted the Snake River
Been on television news program as an “expert”
Got flowers for no reason
Performed on a stage
Been to Las Vegas
Recorded Music
Eaten shark
Had a one-night stand
Gone to Thailand
Bought a house
Been in a combat zone
Buried one/both of your parents
Been on a cruise ship
Spoken more than one language fluently
Performed in Rocky Horror
Raised children
Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
Picked up and moved to another city
Walked on the Golden Gate Bridge
Sang loudly in the car and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
Had plastic surgery
Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have
Wrote articles for a large publication
Lost over 100 lbs
Held someone while they were having a flashback
Piloted an airplane
Petted a stingray
Broken someone’s heart
Helped an animal give birth
Won money on a TV game show
Broken a bone
Gone on an African safari
Had a body part below the neck pierced
Fired a rifle, shotgun or pistol
Eaten mushrooms gathered in the wild
Ridden a horse
Had major surgery
Had a snake as a pet
Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
Slept for more than 30 hours over 48 consecutive hours
Visited more foreign countries than US States
Visited all 7 continents
Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
Eaten Kangaroo meat
Eaten sushi
Had your picture in the paper
Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
Gone back to school
Parasailed
Petted a cockroach
Eaten fried green tomatoes
Read the Iliad
Selected one important author who you missed school to read
Killed and prepared an animal for eating (fish)
Skipped all of your school reunions
Communicated with someone without sharing a common language
Been elected to public office
Written your own computer language
Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
Had to put someone you love in hospice care
Build your own PC from parts
Sold your own artwork to someone that didn’t know it was yours
Had a booth in a street fair
Dyed your hair
Been a DJ
Shaved your head
Caused a car accident
Saved someone’s life

Your turn...

Scattergories

I found this on Kim's blog and thought I'd play along...



SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog.Use the first letter of your name of your street to answer each of the following. (if your street name is a number use the first letter that spells the number. If you live on Fifth Avenue then your letter should be F) They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. You can not use your own name for the boy/girl names.



1. What is the name of your street? Northside

2. A 3 letter word? NOT

3. Something you would find in an office? Notebook

4. Something that smells bad? Nicotine

5. Movie Title? National Treasure

6. Slow Dance Song? Need You Tonight, INXS

7. Something in your pantry? Noodles

8. Name of a pet turtle? Nicodemus

9. Fetish or Phobia? Necrophobia (Fear of dead things)

10. something you would find in your medicine chest? Naproxen



Play along!

Can you tell I'm a Wikipedia fiend?

We're moving forward...

finally. The IVF Coordinator from my clinic called me today. I completely forgot that she was supposed to call. I'm glad she remembered. My RE does want me to come in for a consult, but more of an abbreviated version. Just to talk about protocols and sign the legal forms. I also need to have my GYN fax my PAP results along with a note stating that, despite my HPV diagnosis and mild cervical dysplasia, that I am clear to cycle. So July 2nd, 9:30am. DH will have his blood drawn for the communicable disease testing...and if AF shows up right before that, then I can get my CD3 BW & US out of the way and start BCP. Could it be? Would the planets align just right to allow us to get everything accomplished in one visit? Since I'm highly pessimistic, I say no.

This weekend was nice. Saturday, I put together some new outdoor furniture...DH put up the patio umbrella and strung lights on it. It looked really nice as we sat out Saturday evening. But then we forgot to close the umbrella and early Sunday morning the wind gusts reached about 60 miles per hour and snapped said umbrella's metal post in two. No more umbrella.

We had our parents over for Father's Day. We also invited the parents of a friend we no longer talk to. DH and I had a mutual friend in high school who is now estranged from his parents. They don't get to see their grandkids very often and I know it really hurts them that their only child has gone on a destructive path. They've done everything they could, as have his friends, but he has chosen his course. Anyway, halfway through the day, we got hit with another thunderstorm. Have I told you I'm TIRED OF THE RAIN??!! But after it passed (like 15 minutes later) it cleared up and it turned out to be a very nice evening.

I'm so proud of myself...since joining the Braces Bunch, I've only sent out 4 postcards...but today, I just mailed 7 cards. Not postcards...but cards. I've caught up with alot of my blog reading, so I'm hoping to stay up to date. Those of you who don't know what Braces Bunch is...check this out.

I now leave you with a beautiful Midwestern sunset. Don't mind the light poles or cars...it was taken in a Men.ards parking lot. But if you use your imagination, you can find yourself in a tropical destination.

Patio...updated with bad pic

As I've said before, I'm tired of rain. The Midwest has been battered lately by storms. Luckily, my little community has been spared from the worst of it. But still, when it rains, my backyard becomes a mud pit. DH and I have been trying our damndest this year to get the grass to grow...and we've been pretty successful. It helps that my puppy sits squats when he pees and he's got NITROGEN PEE! So we have tufts of grass throughout the yard that grow 100X faster than the rest of the yard. But try as we might, we have not been able to get grass to grow in the area surrounding our back steps into the yard. Mostly because that is where the 2 dogs play the most. So this area always is the cause of the 6 inches of mud I scrap off the dogs paws each time they are out after a rainfall. No more. Yesterday, my concrete patio was poured. It's purdy. I haven't taken any pics yet, but I will. I'm so happy that we had it done. Not only will the dogs not be caked in mud, but we will actually have a place to sit without the grass tickling at your ankles (something else I dislike). Anyway, I'll update with pics when the sun is shining and I can go outside without getting drenched.

Here's a bad pic of the patio...as you can sorta see...we've got stuff all over it from a get together, and that's my big guy, Sox walking through.

Wondering...

Does anyone ever hear from ME and Steve? I have been thinking about her and I've sent an email, but haven't gotten a response. I was just wondering how she was.

And because I have nothing better to tell you, other than we're having our patio poured today...I leave you with a picture of my 7 month old...

Green Thumb **Edited at bottom

First, Mini Vann has arrived! Go check out Farah's blog

I've never had a green thumb. Every plant I'd ever owned I've killed...even cacti. But I've had this one plant that I bought when hubby and I purchased our first townhouse in 2004 that I haven't killed...yet. So this year, I decided I would plant 3 rosebushes out in our front yard. I figured they would die...so imagine my surprise one day when I saw this...



I was SO excited I sent this picture to my closest IRL friends. I was even MORE excited the next day when it looked like this...





This is the only bloom so far, but there are many more buds on the plant. Even the other two rosebushes seem to be thriving...they have buds as well. I thought that maybe this change in luck with plants would resonate throughout the rest of my life, but it appears not.

I had gotten a call on Friday from my RE's office stating they had gotten MFS's letter and results and my next step is to schedule a consult. I called today, and the first available appointment is July 10th! I told the girl (she was the andrologist helping on the phone, J) that I really wanted to start with my July cycle which is due on the 1st. She said the notes on my account only indicate I need an IVF consult and that I hadn't been there since June of last year. I promptly informed J that was incorrect as I had been in for CD3 BW/US in January and have had a consult since then. So she transferred me to the nurse, K, whom I left a message with.

I really want to start in July. I haven't cycled since April/May 2007 and I just feel like every month that goes by is a missed opportunity. I'll update when K calls back.

************************************************

So K called back and let me know that the RE's initial notes in my file indicated that I would need an IVF Consult only if I desired. Since I've already been through a cycle and know what is involved she doesn't think that I will need to do it. But the RE and IVF Coordinator are both on vacation this week. K will check with them on Monday and have them call me. So I may be cycling in July!!

The verdict is in...

The MFS sees no reason why we can't proceed with another IVF cycle with DH's sperm. While the SA results weren't the best...he does have normal sperm. Of the 8 million sperm in the sample, 3% were completely normal. MFS also said that usually an IVF lab is more strict on sperm quality than a diagnostic lab "because everything is on their shoulders". He sent an email to my doctor to ask them if the 3% normal sperm were "sufficient for their use". And he also stated he wants us to freeze a sample or two to ensure we have enough "good sperm" to use. So while I did get most of my answers...(I got all I could from MFS) I now have to wait to see if my RE will "accept" DH's levels for a cycle.

I'm just hesitant about starting a new cycle if I don't know if the RE will find good sperm. But I guess with a few frozen samples, we should be good. So now I have to call my RE and see what's next. I've already missed June, since CD3 was Tuesday...but let's pretend for a moment that I start a cycle in July...that means ER and ET would be around the end of July. And let's sink deeper into fantasy land and pretend it works...that means I'd have an EDD of approximately March 2009. A girl can dream right?

T minus one day

Tomorrow afternoon DH and I see the Male IF specialist (MFS) and we are demanding answers. He has been seeing this doc since September and originally said that he wanted DH to take the Clomid for 3 months. It's been 9 months...I want answers damnit. I want to know if we have any chance of cycling with his sperm. I want to know if we need to start thinking seriously about donor sperm or not. I want answers!! I'm so tired of NOT knowing what the hell is going on with things. UUGGHH! So I plan on drilling MFS tomorrow and not leaving without my answers.

Also, today is CD3. AF arrived on Sunday afternoon. I could have been going for CD3 bloodwork had we had answers!

Blah, Blah, Blah

So yesterday was my first day back to work after my long weekend "vacation". Let me tell you, I had 2 days in there where I didn't move from the couch all day and I LOVED it. I rarely get days like that, so it was quite refreshing to get caught up on L0st (OMG I loved the finale) and generally have nothing to do. I've been fighting a case of bronchitis, so that hasn't been fun, but I was still at home...enjoying doing NOTHING!

Anyway, nothing new on the IF front. We go to DH's doc next Wednesday for his latest SA results. We're thinking we're headed into the donor world, but would at least like a Dr to tell us what our chances are with his.

And because I thought it was fun...I stole this from Farah...

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): DH, Bridge
C - Cake or Pie: Pie (must be apple)
D - Day of Choice: Friday...I spend all day looking forward to 5pm
E - Essential Item: Cell Phone or Aleve depending on the day
F - Favorite Color(s): Cobalt Blue
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
H - Hometown: Chicago
I - Indulgence(s): Massage and sleep
J - January or July: July (don't like the cold)
K - Kids: Yes, please.
L - Life is incomplete without: Family and friends
M - Marriage Date: 10/04/2005
N - Number of Siblings: 1 younger sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Apples
P- Phobias or Fears: failure
Q - Quote: "Is money worth the price" - Unknown
R- Ring size: hhhmmm I don't really know.
S - Season: Spring or Fall...not too hot or cold
T- Tag 3 Friends: Bridge, JJ and anyone else who wants to steal this
U - Unknown fact about me: I am a complete control freak...though I try not to be
V - Very favorite stores: Target /Wal-Mart/Lane Bryant
W - Worst Habit: Biting my nails
X-ray or Ultrasound: I have had plenty of both
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): crab legs (yum yum)
Z - Zodiac: Libra

It's amazing what IF does to your mind

I have a whiteboard on my desk at work. On it is written: "Move DE for x client in July". Everyday, when I come in and see that message I immediately think, now why would x client want Donor Eggs? Then, I think "duh! It's not Donor Eggs! It's Delaware!"

IF no longer stands for "if". IF is always INFERTILITY

DE no longer is the abbreviation for the state of Delaware

MF no longer stands for the bitchin swear word I used in college

What other acronyms no longer stand for what they mean in the fertile world?

Swimming in Circles

That's how DH and I feel right now. We just called to get the latest results of his donation. Count is still only 8.3 million...with 0 normal morphology. DH has been seeing a male factor specialist since September...that's why he's been on Clomid since then...that's why we've put off cycling again. The MF specialist (MFS) never indicated to DH that he had no normal swimmers. At least that DH can remember. MFS always had DH's counts at around 1 million...but gave us the impression that those were 1 million healthy swimmers. We thought the reason he was on Clomid was because MFS wanted to increase his count. We knew he'd probably have to make a few deposits to the cryo bank before we cycled, but we're just so frustrated with everything. Why can't any doctors give us a straight answer? Will we or won't we be able to use his sperm?

I'm solicting help...

Ladies...I need your help. I need another job...that's close to my home. I currently commute 4 hours a day and it's becoming a financial strain. Anyone work for companies that offer work from home solutions? I currently work for a national financial institution and have experience in service and sales. Can you recommend anyone? Please?? I'm desperate.

PS I've requested a work from home alternative from my current employer and they said "NO".

Random thoughts

Yesterday was THE day. The one that I had been dreading. I purposefully invited MIL and my mom to our house for a BBQ so that I didn't have to go out and contend with all the smiling Moms. But it still got to me...I ended up breaking down in the morning and crying to DH. Had our last cycle been successful, we would have a 4 month old. But it wasn't successful, we're still in the same place we were before. Childless.

People like the Duggars make me sick. All that woman has to do is spread her legs and out comes another baby. It isn't fair.

Thar She Flows

That's what I wanted to scream out this morning when I went to the bathroom and found out AF had arrived...on CD34. She's playing games with me I tell you. For 9 consecutive months after my BFN, she was 28 days like clockwork...then she threw in a 32 day cycle and a 26 day cycle. Now we're up to 34 days. I guess I shouldn't complain...I could be back to the 50 & 60 day cycles of my pre-IVF self. But I was really liking the every 28 days bit. I KNEW exactly when she'd be arriving and plan my day accordingly. No client meetings that day, send DH off with his buds, curl up on the couch and just veg. No more. Oh well, at least I can look forward to another cycle soon.

Movies, Movies

This past weekend DH and I went to see 2 movies...Baby Mamma and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Saturday was Baby Mamma...**SPOILER ALERT**now if you haven't seen the movie and don't want to know about it, skip the next paragraph.

I would have been ok with this movie if Tina Fey's character didn't have her miracle pregnancy at the end. I mean come on...she had a 1 in a million chance with ART and it just happened naturally? That was the thing that really upset me. I was ok with the story line up until that point. I was even impressed with their use of "transfer" v. "implanted" when speaking about IVF. Though the video showing the embryos landing on the uterine lining was a bit much for me.

Watching the movie with DH brought back all the emotions we've tried so hard to push past. The unsupportive family, the constant barrage of "the question" (When will you start having kids). It was an emotionally draining night. So much so, that the next morning, after some "intimate" time, I just started crying. I really have mixed emotions about cycling again. Physically, it's not hard on me...I respond well to the stims, didn't have much OHSS, didn't have any pain after retrieval or transfer. But emotionally, it kills me. And I'm scared to put myself through that emotional turmoil again. We're lucky enough to have some insurance coverage...but I'm always doing the what ifs.

Anyway, today is CD32 so I guess I'm just being hormonal. I should be getting AF any second now...but I don't feel anything. I guess I should go home and POAS to get her flowing...that always does the trick.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

My alarm goes off at 4:30am. At 4:37am, I felt my bed shake. At first I thought a massive semi must be going down my quiet residential street looking for the next build site. But all was quiet...not a sound. No truck. I remember thinking to myself...hhmmpph what are the chances of an earthquake in Chicago and going about my morning routine. That was until I turned on the TV and this was the top story. Who woulda thunk it? The earthquake was centralized in downstate Illinois, but was felt as far north as Wisconsin and as far south as Alabama. What I felt wasn't very strong...no pictures fell over, no dishes rattled (well that I know of, but I was upstairs). My dogs didn't go nutso. It was like being on one of those vibrating beds you see in the cheap motels on TV. The shaking only lasted a minute or less, but it was my first experience with an earthquake. Growing up in the Midwest, you have fire drills in school AND tornado drills. Tornadoes are something I know about...I know what to do when the sirens start their song. But I have no clue what to do in an earthquake!! That wasn't something we were taught in school...wasn't something we ever had to think about. The only experience with earthquakes I'd had prior to today was seeing the aftermaths on TV in places like San Francisco.

On a separate note...FamilyofTwo is going through a rough time right now. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and give her some ((HUGS))

Introducing...

I have a friend (yea I DO have friends IRL). Everyone should have a friend like this one. We've known each other 18 years...since fate sat her behind me in our freshman Spanish class. OK maybe it wasn't fate but the fact we sat alphabetically (can anyone say grammar school?). But it was because of this class that we met and became best friends. She's the type of friend that you keep coming back to...even when your lives took different paths. My path brought me infertility. Hers took her down a medical nightmare (ironically, one that may make it hard for her to conceive as well). As she received diagnosis after diagnosis...I had no idea what to say to her. All I could do is be there when she needed to talk, to vent, to scream and to cry (and provide the occasional ride to the county jail). She recently came to me about how down she's been feeling. And I came clean. I fessed up that I have a blog. Now 2 people IRL know I have it. I told her how therapeutic it is to put things out there...to document what's been happening. But what is even more therapeutic is the support you receive from virtual strangers. People connected only by the Internet and a common thread. So she gussied up some courage and started one of her own. I would like to introduce you to my best friend in the world. Bridge at Fatabulous1 I know her blog isn' t an IF focused one, but please go by and welcome her to our community...and if you know anyone else who might know what she's going through, please forward her blog on. I gushed at how supportive you all are...don't make a liar out of me! LOL

Random thoughts

Did anyone watch the Biggest L0ser last night? I did...and I have to say I was very pleased that Ali won. It's about time a female won...though through it all they pumped up the "first female" to the point where you pretty much knew who was going to win it. My question is...how can these people afford to take off work for 4 1/2 months and still pay their bills? Don't they have mortgages? I would LOVE to be on this show...but there is NO WAY I could afford to take an unpaid leave from work. How would my bills get paid? UUGGHH how do they do it??

This day is going by way too slow for me. It's only 1:30 and I feel like I've been at work forever. I guess it doesn't help that it's been non stop since Monday. It's 70 here today and I just want to be outside. DH is lucky...he's off on Wednesdays so he gets to be out.

Housekeeping

I've changed the layout and template of my blog...though if you're like me, you use Google Reader or some other feed and don't click over unless you want to leave a comment. Has anyone figured out how to leave a comment from Google Reader? Anyway, since I usually use the Reader to read posts, I don't tend to see every one's actual blog pages and pics/buttons. I was scanning around today and realized just how "boring" my actual blog page was. So I'm going to try to spice it up a little if I can. I'm hesitant about posting pics, though I did post my wedding pic a while back. I'll have to think about that one.

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words regarding yesterday's post. At first, I really didn't feel any better about having posted it. But after reading the comments, and knowing that no one thinks of me as a dirty whore (well except my husband <8') ), I actually do feel better. In a "OK no one thinks any less of me" kind of way.

I'm sure some readers are thinking, I thought this was supposed to be a blog about infertility...well hopefully, I will be able to begin posting about my next cycle. DH has been on Clomid since September in the hopes of improving his sperm counts. Our next steps are to do another SA, and then start "banking" his sperm. My RE, in combination with his Andrologist, want us to bank sperm so that we have plenty to choose from when my next ER comes along. The problem we had last time was that nothing fertilized because they couldn't find "enough" normal sperm to use. Long story short, that's how we found out DH had a testosterone issue (why we didn't know this before is beyond me and I've given up that anger). So I'm hoping that in the next few months, I'll be able to relish you with my injection horror stories and hormonal emotions. Till then...thanks for tuning in!

1,565 days

37,560 hours
2,253,600 minutes

That's how long it's been since C and I started TTC#1. In that time we've had 4 birthdays, 5 New Year's Eves, 6 pregnancy announcements within our family, 4 of which have already resulted in live births. 2 of which are second children. There have been countless BFPs in the blogosphere as well as live births, adoption matches and adoptions finalized. There have also been countless BFNs, miscarriages, fetal losses, stillbirths, adoption matches fallen through and other heartbreaking news. It's any wonder that any of us keep going. But that's all we know isn't it? We have to keep going, keep moving forward. To achieve whatever goal it was that we set out for in the first place. I think back on the last 4+ years and I wonder where it all went. Where did the time go? Has it REALLY been THAT long? And I think, will it be another 1,565 days before I achieve MY goal? I hope not. I do know that I couldn't do it without all of you. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles makes it a little bit easier. What's the old saying? Misery loves company?

I've been keeping something from all of you. And it wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers post about her emotional struggle with a similar diagnosis that I realized I shouldn't be hiding this. This blog is supposed to be representative of my journey to our child. If I left this out, it wouldn't be accurate. So...along with my cervical dysplasia, I was diagnosed with HPV. Since then, I've struggled emotionally with it. I have no idea how or when I "got" it, or from who. I've been with my husband for 5 years and before that was in another relationship for almost 8 years. So either I "got" it 14 years ago or from my last long term relationship. I feel dirty and unclean, like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I was careful, wasn't out whoring around. Why did this have to happen to me? Along with all the IF shit that we have to deal with, now I have to worry about this.

There it is folks. It's out there. I no longer have an elephant in my room. But I don't feel any better about it.

An Empty Room

Mel had an interesting post that got me thinking. In her post, she talks about the room in her house that should be her "future baby's" room. In reading it, and the comments that followed, it got me thinking about "that" room in our house.

DH and I bought our 4 bedroom house in December of 2006. At that point we had been trying to have a baby for 3 years the "natural" way. We had started seeing a RE in May of 2006, but hadn't undertaken any ART treatments yet. While we walked through the house, I remember us talking about each bedroom and what we will make out of it.

Our office would be the room closest to our bedroom. It is in the front of the house, the smallest of all 4 rooms and gets alot of natural light. Perfect for those days that I would work from home. The room farthest from our bedroom, tucked away behind the stairs would be the guest bedroom. Whomever stays in it would have complete privacy. This room is also in the front of the house and has a small walk in closet and is across the hall from the guest bathroom.

The last room, the one in the back of the house, snuggled in the corner, with the large walk in closet and large sliding window would be our child's room. Because it was in the back of the house, no street noise or imposing street lights would reach our sleeping infant. The large sliding window is situated in the corner of the room, a perfect place to set a glider for those nights when our baby just wouldn't sleep. The large walk in closet would be perfect to store all of the extra diapers, clothes and toys that he/she just isn't big enough for yet. It's proximity to the master bedroom and guest bedrooms would be perfect for the nights I stayed up and let DH catch some zzz's. I imagined where I would place the crib, dresser, changing table etc.

Then we did our first IVF, and I was so excited that we might actually be using that room. My mom even gave us the dresser/changing table/armoire that I had as a kid as a starter. Then we got our BFN. I would pass by that room and see the dresser mocking me. Now the room sits dark. The blinds are shut from the outside world, no light passes onto those walls. The door remains closed. It sits unused in darkness. An empty room that I long to fill.

On Sabbatical no more

She didn't show up at the hit of the publish button...instead she waited until Saturday morning to grace me with her presence. I went to give blood in the morning and I failed the iron test...it was then I knew she was on her way. As much as I expected AF to arrive this month, as she does every single month, I was a little dismayed that my mid cycle spotting wasn't an indicator for something else. Needless to say, I basked in some retail therapy on my way from Life Source.

One thing I'm doing this year is planting my climbing roses. I already have 2 plants ready to be put in the ground, but I've been afraid to plant them lest the Midwest is bequeathed another frost. So I spent Saturday morning perusing the garden departments of the local Wal Mar* and Men ards looking for trellis' for my roses to climb. The one I really liked was what I thought a simple wooden ladder trellis. But it was $50! I can't see spending $50 on a trellis. Maybe it's just me. So I'm left now with no trellis and 2 rose bushes I can't plant because it's darn near too cold yet!

DH spent the day yesterday reseeding our backyard mosh pit in the hopes of some greenery this summer. I thought it was funny to have both dogs come into the house, not only with muddy paws, but muddy seedy paws! Maybe his efforts will pay off and we'll have a beautiful lawn this year...one can hope.

CD28

Jenna has good news!! Please go see her! Ellen also received good news today.

Today is CD28...my last 2 cycles were 32 and 26 days respectively. My 6 cycles before that were all 28 days exactly. So far, no sign of AF. I would really, really, really, really, really hate to be one of "those" women who happen to fall pg when they weren't trying. Though I would love to be pg. I can tell you though, I haven't "relaxed", haven't "gone on vacation", haven't "just adopted" or any of those other misnomers that are thrown at an IFW (infertile woman) by the fertile world. Is it wrong that I'm both praying for AF to show up and wishing her away at the same time?

I don't want to perpetuate the myth that's out there that "miracles do happen" and "all things come to those who wait"...but I would be so happy to not have to cycle again. All this worrying is probably for not. I'm sure AF will come charging in from her monthly sabbatical as soon as I hit the publish button.

Thoughts...

On the spotting front...most of it occurred on Saturday, I had a little (and I mean a little) on Sunday and Monday, but it wasn't anything I needed a liner for like I did on Saturday. All week I've been running the dates in my head and thinking, could that have been implantation spotting? Then reality kicks me in the ass and I have to laugh at myself. I remind myself that babies aren't made by having sex. They are made in a cold laboratory. At least in our case. Though part of me can't help but hold onto a teeny bit of hope, that maybe, just maybe I am wrong. That fate is finally throwing me a bone. I know it's silly, I know it's not going to happen. My brain knows all these things, but it has failed to convince my heart.

Spotting...maybe TMI

So we've not engaged in any cycling since last year...my last AF was 2/29 and ended on 3/4. Why then did I have cramping and brownish spotting on Saturday? I had been cleaning the house and when I finished I sat down on the couch. It was then that I started feeling...like I was getting my period. You know the feeling. I also felt like I was "dripping" for lack of a better term. So I went to the bathroom and sure enough, there was brown spotting. I had one streak of red. I have not had any further spotting since Saturday. Very weird. Anyone have mid cycle spotting? If so, what caused it? If you know.

Tag you're it

JJ and Wifethereof tagged me recently so here you go...

The Rules:
1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules.
3. Share six non-important/habits/quirks about yourself.
4. Tag three other people.
5. Make sure the people you tagged know you did by commenting on what you did.



1) I am always on my husband's left (except when we're driving)...I sit to his left on the couch when we watch TV, I sleep on the left side of our bed, I sit to his left at the dinner table at home, I sit to his left when we are in a group of people at a table, I walk on his left. I'm not sure why I do this, but it's something I've noticed.


2) In my 31 years, I have lived in 7 homes...but moved 9 times. Prior to getting married, I would live in an apartment for a year then move back with my parents for a short time...I went back 3 times before actually getting out for good.

3) I have kissed the Blarney Stone. Not those little tokens you get at an Irish store, the real Blarney Stone at Blarney Castle in Ireland. I went during high school and it was one of the things we really wanted to do. You have to sit down and hang onto this bar while you lean WAAAY back and basically hang upside down and kiss the stone.

4) I don't like walking in the grass barefoot or sitting in the grass. I can't stand the way the grass feels against my skin...gives me the heebee jeebees.

5) I am meticulously organized at work...everything is in it's place. But at home I struggle with keeping things organized.

6) I've been to England, Ireland, Wales, Mexico, Hawaii, New York, Boston, San Francisco, Indiana, Wisconsin, Michigan, Colorado, Arizona, Washington D.C., and Virginia.

That's about it. I tag Jen at Here We Go Again, Frank at (In) Fertile Frank, and In and Out of Luck.

Letter to my Body

As requested by Mel...here is my letter.


Dear Body,


You and I first met 31 years ago. I'll admit, I don't remember much about our early relationship, but we've been inseparable. My only question for you, my closest companion, is why? Why have you denied me so much in life and put me through so much pain? Are you punishing me for something I did early on in our relationship? For not exercising or eating right?

I remember when you bestowed a menstrual cycle on me. I was 13. Is the pain you caused any way to introduce a child to womanhood? The debilitating cramps, the body aches, the diarrhea. No drugs I pumped into you eased your rampage. Gone were the days of perfect attendance in school, for that first day each month, you made sure I was crying out in pain. That is, until my doctor prescribed birth control. Then I had you. I know you weren't happy to be reigned in, but it was the only way I could live each month. I hoped you'd understand.

Then you bestowed PCOS and thyroid issues on me. Why? Was being on bcp really SO bad? You had to throw more at me? Did you know that the acne, excess hair growth and weight gain associated with PCOS made high school a living hell for me? Did you care? I'm sure you knew as you and I spent many hours in my bedroom crying after school. Not that it changed anything. You only laughed at my sorrow.

But I think the worst thing of all that you've done has been to deny me the ability to become a mother. How can you do that to me? I can deal with all the past hardships you've thrown at me, and even forgive you for them, but this I can never forgive you for. Do you have any idea how much I feel like a failure? Procreation is the most primitive animal instinct, and you've denied me that privilege. All the procedures we've been through. Injecting dye into our uterus to blow out a blockage in our tubes. Surgery. Biopsies. And the countless trans vaginal ultrasounds, fondly named Dildocams. Body, you seem undeterred by all this. You won't give me an inch. Even after I injected you countless times with hormones. You won't back down. Why? Why? Why? Is it such a horrible thing that my husband and I feel the joy of pregnancy and parenthood? To look down upon a little bundle of joy and see ourselves?

I feel like I've treated you right over the years...maybe not excellent, but at the very least, I've been kind. I haven't doped you up with illegal drugs. Haven't poisoned our liver with alcohol. I sleep enough to refresh and invigorate you. I try to eat well...and I know I need to move you around more, but overall I've been good to you. I just wish you could give a little...just once.


Love,


Me

Finally some good news

My GYN's office called last night with the results of my biopsies...only mild cervical dysplasia! While I'm not thrilled abouting having ANY type of dysplasia...it puts me at ease. The only treatment is follow ups...so I have to have a PAP every 6 months instead of every year. AND I can still cycle! WOO HOO!

Oh Yea...Happy Valentines' Day to all!

Defeated

That's how I'm feeling. Like I can't fight anymore because everytime I throw a punch, I'm knocked back down on my ass by something else. I went for my colposcopy yesterday. And while the procedure itself wasn't painful, the outcome wasn't as I hoped. I have extensive cervical dysplasia. The GYN was "shocked" that I'd never had an abnormal PAP before. He took 3 biopsies and now I wait until March 5th to find out how bad it really is.

So on top of dealing with the hell that is IF, I have this to worry about. The GYN said that if I have mild dysplasia, there is no reason not to do another IVF cycle. However, if I have moderate or severe dysplasia, they will need to do further testing on my cervix...which could weaken it and prevent me from carrying a baby to term. The thought scares the shit out of me. Not only that, but the thought of cervical cancer at my age (31) scares me even more. I have so much I want to do in my life, I'm not ready for a diagnosis like that.

Postponed

My colposcopy has to be postponed because AF arrived today. They can't do the procedure until 3 days after your cycle ends...so instead of going for the colposcopy on Friday, I'll be doing CD3 BW and an antral follicle scan. Yay for me.

Colposcopy here I come

So I finally got in touch with the GYN...they want me to come in next Friday for a colposcopy. Dr Goo.gle says this is a painless procedure. Then why, might I ask, did the nurse tell me to take a pain killer 1 hour before coming in? Dr Goo.gle also said that an HSG is painless...but, this says differently, and I know better. My question is (and sorry this is TMI) should I not douche between now and next Friday? I usually only douche once a month...usually after my period...and I haven't this month. Anyone see any harm in it?

Has anyone had this done? Was it painful?

I Hate Doctors...

My PCP is the one who does my PAPs every year and he's really a very nice doctor...so when he said he wanted me to see a GYN, not only was I worried, but was also aprehensive. But I checked with my insurance and called a local GYN. They told me they needed my PCP to fax them my results BEFORE I can even make an appointment, so the GYN can see what my PCP wants and can decide if they'll see me. Can you believe that? I've never experienced anything like this! To make matters worse, they said they won't even call me back until at least Monday. So I have to wait all weekend...worrying about an abnormal PAP to even see if this GYN will SEE me. UUUGGGHH! This is why I can't stand doctors...

Another low blow...

Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been sick the past week with some type of stomach bug. Anything I eat makes my stomach recoil. And no, I can't be pg. To top matters off, I went for my PAP last week. Results showed ASCUS. (Atypical cells of undetermined significance). Has anyone else had an abnormal PAP and had eveything turn out ok? My GP called at 7pm tonight with the results and it's not like I can run to a GYN this evening. I'm a little worried. Actually, I'm alot worried. I've never had an abnormal PAP. Dr Goo-gle says not to worry...but I can't help it.

AF came a caroling...

oh wait, that season is over. Anyway, AF did come raring her ugly head today. I'm miserable. Haven't had cramps like this in a LONG time. Plus, I have the chills and bodyaches. I hope I'm not coming down with anything.

You Are 56% A Child of the 80s

Back in the day, you were totally 80s. Tubular, totally tubular.

Are You a Child of an 80s?

Poignant Quote

Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.

I sure hope they're right. I realized yesterday that had my first IVF been successful, my due date would have been the 16th of January. The same day I am going back to see my new RE.

I'm a little late in doing my reflective post for 2007, but when it really came down to it, 2007 just was a bitch of a year for me and I really didn't want to reflect on it at all. 2007 found us undergoing our first IVF cycle, which left me emotionally devastated for months to come. So instead of reflecting, here are my plans for 2008:

- Attend yoga. I signed up for a free seminar through my clinic and if I enjoy it, I may have to find a regular class.
- Start 2nd IVF cycle. I have another consult with my new RE on the 16th of January to talk about next steps.
- Try acupuncture. Not for the IF, but for the relaxation. DH can attest, I've been one big bundle of stress and nerves the last few months and I can't seem to release any of it.
- Actually go to the gym. Both for the weight loss possibilities and the stress relief excersise is said to bring.
- Talk to DH more. I tend to not share with him exacting how I'm feeling because I feel that I'm adding to his stress, which then makes me feel guilty. I need to share more with him.
- Not stress. This one will be the hardest to achieve as I tend to take on alot and then stress over the pressure.

Hope everyone's holidays were bearable...here's to a new year.

Merry Christmas

I wanted to send my warmest wishes to all my fellow bloggers for a happy holiday season...may 2008 bring the peace we wish for.

I'm Rudolph!

You Are Rudolph

Sweet and shy, you tend to be happiest when you're making someone else happy. Why You're Naughty: You sometimes stick that nose where it doesn't belong Why You're Nice: Christmas would be a sad affair without you!

Which of Santa's reindeer are you?

Moving forward...

DH and I sat down last night and completed our IVF cycle paperwork...it was pretty easy since we've completed it before and pretty much knew we would freeze anything that we had left and what we wanted done with those frosties should something happen to one or both of us. I called today to make appointments. I am seeing my general practioner on 01/09/08. I will give him the medical release form to complete and sign. Because I'm overweight, my clinic requires a medical release from my GP stating I am in good health and that he sees no reason why I shouldn't move forward. I really hope he signs off on it...though I can't imagine why he wouldn't. Yes, I'm fat...but my blood pressure/cholesterol levels are good...I have no other physical health problems other than my PCOS. I'll be really upset if he doesn't sign it.
I also have an appointment to see my new RE again on 01/16/08. AF came on 12/05...28 days exactly again from my last one on 11/07...which was 28 days exactly from the one before that on 10/10. So if my body keeps this up...I'm due again on 01/02/08. Right before both of my appointments. I'm glad I only bleed for 3 days. I also signed us up for Yoga for Fertility. Acupuncture for Fertility and Couples Massage for Fertility seminars at our clinic. They are free and I figured it wouldn't hurt anything by going.
So that is where we are...moving forward finally. I'm excited and apprehensive at the same time. I had told DH that I wasn't sure if I was emotionally ready to go through another cycle...but the more I think about it...I am. I've been ready since I got that BFN call last May. I want to move forward and not look back. The past is in the past...I can't change it, nor can I forget it...I can just learn from it and move forward.
DH - Love you babe!

New Year's Resolutions...

So as the year is coming to a close (OMG!) I've been thinking about what I want my resolution to be for the new year. Every year I've kinda always said the same things...lose weight, exercise more, be more positive etc...but this year I was thinking about something different. What are you resolving to do in the new year? I need some new ideas...help me out here please!

Feeling Better

I've been feeling better the last few days...thank you all for your comments. DH's aunt died on the 28th of November, and her funeral was on Saturday. It was a bit of a wake up call to me. She was always so happy...even while battling uterine cancer. I have my health...I'll live (God willing) another 40 years at least. Her life was taken from her after only 50 years.

We trimmed our Christmas tree on Sunday as well. There is something uplifting to me about seeing this beautiful tree, all lit up with lights and ornaments. I could look at it all day long.

Sorry for the short post...just not much new.

My response...

to my cousin's little pg announcement email was simply to tell her Congratulations and I hope she understands how hard it is for me to hear, but that I am happy for her and her DH. That's about all I could muster. Then she comes back and says that her EDD is August 4, 2008. So I go online to a pg calaculator and find that she would have had a conception date of November 12th! Someone explain to me, how she could know already? I don't get it. I seriously think she's lying about the EDD. Why I don't know. But the best part is, I don't even know why I give a damn! Why do I care? It's not like it has any bearing on my daily life...but that's not true. It does. She lives 5 doors down...I see her quite often.

This sucks!

Oh, and my DH wants me to go "talk" to someone...considering how hard I've taken "this news". Whatever...who knows, it may do me some good.

Confirmed...

**Warning - pg mentioned**

I received confirmation today that my cousin is pg with #2...she sent me an email telling me all about her Thanksgiving and Black Friday experience...the very last line reads "More news to share. I'm pregnant..." I don't know how I'm supposed to respond...Congrats? Glad one of us is part of the fertile world? Part of me is pissed that she didn't have the nerve to tell me over the phone or in person, but the other part of me is happy that I didn't have to look at her or respond right away. The email gives me a chance to get my first reaction of crying my eyes out, out of my system. It's so hard to know that she's going to have 2 before I have one...and we've been trying longer!

I feel like I'm such a failure. I keep thinking "Why me?" What did I do wrong to deserve this hell? The most basic function of being a woman, the ability to conceive, is one that I don't have. I feel like less of a woman...I can't really describe it any other way. It's getting harder and harder to maintain a smile on the outside while I'm falling apart on the inside. This blog is my only lifeline...the only outlet I have. My DH doesn't even know it exists. I hate what my life has become since this IF hell took over.

My heart is crushed

**Warning - pg mentioned (not mine)**

My heart is crushed...I just found out that my cousin is pg with #2. Her DH let it slip to my future BIL...my mom just called me to tell me. My cousin and I are 3 months apart in age...DH and I have been TTC #1 for at least a year before she tried. I was very supportive of her for the whole 3 months she tried to get pg right after going off the pill. They announced pg #1 one day before we left for Hawaii for my wedding. Took all the wind out of my sails then. Stole my thunder I guess you could say. I was very happy for her...even planned her baby shower...her DS is my godson and I love him dearly. But I'm so heartbroken right now that she's pg with #2 and I'm still trying for #1. It hurts so bad. My mom thinks they're going to announce it at Christmas...if they do I'll break out in tears right then and there. It's not fair. My heart is aching.

Pet Peeves

I'm feeling annoyed today...so I thought I'd share some of my pet peeves...

• If you just saw me hit the elevator call button, why must you press it again?
• If you just saw me hit the floor you want, why must you press it again?
• Please people, let me OFF the elevator BEFORE you try to push your way on!
• Please don't clip your nails on the train
• or for that matter...don't paint your nails, pick your nose or get annoyed with me because the train lurched me into you while you were applying your lipstick (I did chuckle at this one)
• If you see that I just loaded the dishwasher, don't put your glass in the sink! Put it in the dishwasher!
• I'm no one's maid, pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper
• If aforementioned clothes are not in the hamper, they don't get washed on laundry day.

Unoriginal post title...

I can't think of anything original for the title of this post just yet...maybe I'll change it later, or not.

First order of business...FamilyofTwo posted about remembering our veterans this holiday season. I want to second this notion. Even if you don't agree with the war, please take a few extra minutes to send an additional holiday card to a wounded soldier at:

A Recovering American Airman, Soldier, Sailor or Marine

c/o Walter Reed Medical Center

6900 Georgia Avenue, NW

Washington, DC 20307-5001

Some may not get to spend the holidays with their loved ones and a small gesture from you will mean the world to them.

Second order of business...thank you to Jenna for the honor of the Flame of Fortitude...

While I'm happy to have the honor of your readership, I'm sorry that we all have these blogs to begin with. I started mine as a way to vent and put my feelings down, and also as a "memento", if you can call it that, of what DH and I are going through. I'd hoped to show it to my child some day. I've learned though, that the kinship I feel with those bloggers that comment here and those bloggers whose stories I follow, is more than a virtual feeling. I've come to hope with these people, to cry with them, get angry with them, feel happy with them and for them. They are more than just anonymous posters in the infinite blogosphere...from them I gain knowledge and confidence, learn to laugh again and know that it's ok to cry. So I nominate all of you for a Flame of Fortitude award. For without your willingness to share, many would be lost in the sea of infertility.

Yet another doc tells me I'm "damaged"

I went to see a chiropractor last night, for reasons that I stated in my previous post. I've never been to a chiro and didn't know what to expect, but I can tell you I didn't expect to be told that I'm damaged! I spent an hour with Dr C, a little woman about 5'2", maybe 100lbs soaking wet. She had me lay on the table and she examined my spine, pointing out that the place I was the most damaged, in my middle back, has nerves that connect to my uterus and ovaries and did I have painful periods or any reproductive issues? Um yes. So now I'm infertile because my back is jacked up? Come on, I may be naive, but I'm not sure I believe that one...but who knows. She also did a thermal scan and took x-rays. She told me my head tilts to the right and is slightly turned to the right, my right shoulder is higher than my left, one of my hips (can't remember which one) is higher than the other, and I don't carry my weight evenly on both feet...my left side carries 5lbs more than my right. Basically, my spine is all out of whack...so I go back tonight to discuss treatment options (how often etc). I never realized that the pain I had in my back could be anything except stress and tension...after last night I've changed my mind.

Ramblings...animal death mentioned

So nothing new on the IF front...DH is still taking his Clomid like a good man...his follow up appt is the 14th...so we'll see where his testosterone levels are at that point. I will most likely be making an appt to go back to the new RE...have to find out if there are any additional tests she wants to run that my other RE didn't.

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to see a chiropractor. I have back pain...all the time. If you poke my lower back, around the tail bone, I'll jump sky high...it's very sensitive. But lately, what's been bothering me the most is what I think is tension pain in my shoulder blades, and it radiates down my right arm...not fun. So I called 2 places and one never answered the phone, and the other is only open until 6:30! I don't get home until 6:15, but luckily the DR there is willing to stay late for a consult with me, then we'll work out something.

What else? HHmmm...oh yea...my birdie died <8'(. I had 2 cockatiels, both since birth. One, Lester, was hand fed and raised by me. The other, Junior, was raised by the parent birds. Well, Junior was at the bottom of his cage last night, on his back. I was not particularly attached to Junior, but it still made me cry to think this poor little birdie didn't live as long as he should have. Cockatiels have a life expectancy of about 10 -15 years. He was 4. I'm not sure what happened...he had food and water, no draft in the room...just died. Now, I am attached to Lester, whom I raised and fed myself from the time he was 7 days old. He's 7. And I would be absolutely heart broken if anything happened to him...big difference huh? I guess that's what happens when you raise them from infancy (wow! isn't that ironic!...Lester could very well be the only one I raise from infancy!) So anyway, DH will bury Junior in our garden today. RIP Junior.

Happy Birthday to me! (One day late)

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. When I was 21, I had hoped to be married and a mom by 25. When I turned 25, I had hoped to be married and a mom by 28. At 28, I was married, but not a mom. As my 31st birthday came and went, I didn't think about being a mom...at least not as obsessively as I have in the past. I enjoyed spending the day with my DH...we both took the day off work. We ran errands and DH made reservations at Harry Carey's for dinner...but it was a laid back, peaceful day. One that was only marred by an under cooked steak, but which was easily remedied. It was the first birthday in a long time that wasn't plagued with the thought of getting older and not having a baby. In fact, I've decided to teach myself how to crochet. Don't laugh...I've done needlepoint, but my eyes are so bad now (I wear bifocals) that it's hard to continue. I want a new hobby. Crocheting is it.

Enlightenment? No, just positive thoughts.

In my last post, I talked about the 3 wonderful ladies in my cycle group who all have gotten their BFP's. Well, as I've been catching up on my blog reading, I learned that some of my fellow bloggers have gotten their BFP's as well. Initially, I wasn't sure how I felt about all these BFP's happening around me when DH and I are stuck in cycle limbo. The more I thought about it, the more I've realized how genuinely happy I am for these women who have suffered the perils of infertility just like I have. Why shouldn't I be happy for them? The only obvious reason I could come up with was "They have what I want". But that's not reason enough to begrudge someone the happiness that I long for. I'm not "that" kind of person.
While I know that positive thinking isn't going to get me pregnant, I also know that negative thinking is not good for the psyche. So I'm going to try to throw out the "Why them and not me?" attitude and focus instead on all the happiness I do have in my life...I have a wonderful, loving DH who would part the seas for me if he could and whom I love more than anything in this world...I have a fulfilling job that keeps my brain active and alert (not to mention pays the bills)...I have a beautiful home and great neighbors...I have a sweet and adorable 17 month old godson whom I love to death...I have a playful dog ...supportive friends.... I know that ONE day, we WILL have the baby that we yearn for.
I have to take things one day at a time...each day that passes is one closer to my dream fulfilled.

Left Behind

I am a little sad today. But I am also very happy. Aside from this blog, I also post on another infertility forum, and have gotten to know some of the women there. I regularly (ok, semi regularly) post on a thread where 4 of us were cycling around the same time. One got her BFP early in the spring...another just about a week or so ago...and the third POAS a few days ago and got a positive. That means, I'm the one "left behind". Now, don't get me wrong, I love these ladies and am very happy that they finally got there, but I also can't help but feeling a little jealous and sad. Now I know what all those VET posters meant when they explained how it felt to be the only one in their "group" to not get pg. I'm feeling that now. Like my heart doesn't know what to do...it's alternately breaking and swelling with happiness for these women, my friends. Can that even happen? I feel like someone is playing with the happy button today...

A Wedding Reception...2 years in the making

As I stated in a previous post...DH and I got married 2 years ago in Maui. We never had an "at home reception" until this weekend. On Saturday, DH and I hosted 60 people in our backyard. Let me tell you...I will NEVER do it again. I was exhausted! My parent's came out on Thursday night to help me since DH was working Friday and Saturday. Friday was spent shopping, setting up tents, tables, chairs, making salads, prepping veggies, making dips. It was non stop! Saturday morning I was charged with making the pasta, picking up the keg, getting the ice. All this while cleaning the house! Party started about 3 and the last people left at 1am. I had SO much food leftover! We were expecting 80 people, and obviously, some didn't show. I was giving food away at the end of the night to people otherwise I would have had to trash it. There was no room in my fridge!

I don't know how people do this. I thought I'd save some bucks by catering the event myself (and I did), but it was SO NOT WORTH the headache (and backache, and foot aches etc). If I ever get up the courage to host this many people again, I'll spring for a party planner and caterer!

Don't get me wrong, the party was fun, and it was great to see all my family and friends. We had a good time (drank the whole keg and then some!), but it was tiring. We received some great gifts (which weren't expected), but I'm still cleaning up.

So when's the next shindig? Who knows...probably New Years! I'm a glutton for punishment!