NaBloPoMo - Day 1 & 2 Self Portrait and What I wore today

So I thought I'd try to do this NaBloPoMo thing.  I've never actually posted 30 days in a row...so I fugured why not.  But I'm doing a 30 day photo challenge in conjunction with Suzy  and Kim.  And frankly, I won't be able to think of 30 days worth of posts, so this is my way of participating!

And of course...I'm a day late.  But oh well.

Here is the list...taken from Kim's blog...she gives appropriate credit to the originator.

And yes, I'm cheating and using the same photo for Days 1 and 2.  Forgive the mess in the background...and the ponytail.  I work from home and don't get "gussied" up.

November 7th

Received my orders from my PCP for some additional views of my left breast as well as an ultrasound...but in talking to my mom, she reminded me of something that I didn't even think of.  I have a mole on the underside of my left breast...and I didn't mention it to the tech who did my mammogram.  I didn't even think to mention it.  She said that most likely, the density that was seen is the mole.  I can hope. 

I go November 7th for the additional tests...and I will be sure to mention my mole at that point.

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Lexi is sick...like hacking cough sick.  No fever though.  She is definitely congested.  She woke up last night and only wanted her mommy and her medicine.  I found some cough syrup that is safe for 2 year olds...I don't have the bottle in front of me so I can't recall the name...so she got 1tsp of that and back to bed she went.  Slept until after 8 this morning.

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Lexi is going to be a pirate for Halloween...what are your little ones dressing as?

Waiting for the other shoe to drop

I can't take much more stress in my life right now.  And that's all I seem to have at the moment.  If I thought I was stressed before...when the only thing I stressed about was money...then I don't even have words to describe the pressure I feel right now. 

IVF postponement...ok...sucks, but I can deal.  Just means extra time and maybe another year paying for the HMO. 

Hasimoto's...yep...that sucks too.  But it's treatable with medication.  I went for my ultrasound of my thyroid this morning and I picked up my Levothyroxin last night.  Popped my first pill this morning.  Being on meds, for possibly the rest of my life, kinda sucks...but I can deal.

This "other thing"...that I can't deal with.  I know it could very well be nothing.  A bad angle...a cyst...a fibroid...it could be any of those things...but the thought that it might be something more than that still creeps into my head.  And that thought KILLS me.  I'm 35.  I don't want to deal with anything remotely related to cancer.  I look at my little girl and think...will I see her grow up?  Will I see her graduate from high school?  Get married?  Have a baby?  I know those things aren't guaranteed to begin with...but having this looming over me makes those things ever so important.  Makes every hug and every I Love You even more precious to me. 

The rational side of me says that if it were really bad...my doctor wouldn't have "just mailed" the order for the tests...that he would have demanded I get in ASAP.  He's like that.  My brain says that everything will be fine...that I'm over reacting.  But my heart...well, that's a whole other ball of wax.

My heart is hurting right now.  For the IVF that got put off...for the upcoming one year anniversary of losing the last pregnancy...for the Hashimoto's diagnosis...for reaching age 35...for an abnormal mammogram.

It's just too much all at once.  I don't know how to hold it all together.  What's next?

Really?

I posted about how I went for a mammogram last Thursday...I was just shy of my 35th birthday.  Got a letter in the mail today from the hospital that I need to contact my physician's office because I need further imaging.  Upon calling my PCP's office they had already written up an order for more testing...apparently I have a small density in my left breast that needs further evaluation.  I need to make another appointment with the imaging center.

I'm hoping it's nothing.  Or just a cyst.  If you're the praying type...please send one up for me? 

Hashimoto's

I saw my endocrinologist today.  It's not official but I most likely have Hashimoto's.  And it's most likely the cause of my miscarriage last year.  My TSH level was 5.6.  Normal is around 1.5 - 1.8.   I'm to start on a high dose of Levothyroxin immediately.  Repeat bloodwork in 4 weeks...next appointment December 1st.  I also have to have an ultrasound of my thyroid done.

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I don't know what to think right now.  The fact that I may not have miscarried last fall had I been taking thyroid meds is a little overwhelming right now.  Something so "simple" to treat.  And I didn't.  I remember telling my RE at the time that I wasn't taking any thyroid meds...and I thought they found me to be "within normal" ranges...but I found out today that your TSH level can be within "normal" ranges and there still be an issue...because apparently your pituitary gland helps compensate for when your thyroid is lacking.  Brings the grief to the forefront again.

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Tomorrow is my 35th birthday. 

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IVF#4 postponement and Boobies

I felt like crap all day yesterday.  Constant headache and overall yucky feeling.  The news from the RE's office didn't help.  I'm so frustrated.  Pushing back this cycle meaning potentially having to pay another year's worth of premiums on this HMO.  Don't get me wrong...I'm happy to have insurance coverage and I know how lucky I am that I do...but paying for 2 medical plans is killing us financially!  My PCP, my GYN, Lexi's pedi, and DH's MFI doc are all part of my PPO network.  They don't take the HMO.  The only reason we took the HMO was for the IVF coverage.  I can't drop my PPO.  DH's job has a wacky enrollment period so coverage runs March 1st - March 1st.  So we have until February 29th to have a cycle completed...actually we don't even have that long since his enrollment period is sometime in January.  So if I'm not on the Janaury cycle...well, that means another year of HMO premiums. 

I guess I'm just mad that the RE didn't order the bloodwork after our first meeting in September.  I told him at that point that the only difference between my cycle with Lexi and the cycle I miscarried was that I was on thyroid meds with Lexi's cycle.  I told him I wanted my TSH level tested at that time.  I just feel that if it had been tested in September that I would have had a few additional weeks to get on thyroid meds...and maybe make the December cycle.  December isn't even a chance at this point.  January is a glimmer.  I'm holding out hope for January.

I have an appointment on Friday with the endo...so hopefully she won't require MORE bloodwork and will accept the results from the test I just had. 

Oh and can I complain just a smidge about how LONG it takes to get an appointment??!!  I must have called 10 places...each telling me that they are scheduling out to December and January!!  Luckily, this Endo dedicates Fridays to seeing new patients and catching up on paperwork.  So she doesn't see returning patients and I was able to get in this week!!  Sheesh!


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I had my first mammogram this morning.  My birthday is Saturday and I turn 35.  Not old...but a recent announcement by a famous TV host made me really think.  She's only 36.  A year older than I.  She's done IVF.  I've done 3.  I know there are no proven studies that show people who do IVF are more prone to cancer, but I can't help but think that all these hormones I pump into my body can't be all that great for me.  The lengths we go to...

Anyway, off topic.  Mammograms are not very comfortable.  In fact, mine downright was painful.  Being squished like a pancake was not fun.  I know it's all in the name of prevention and early detection...but you'd think with all the advances in technology, they'd come up with a better way to do these.  Anyway, I should have my results in a week.

Postponed

I'm supposed to be starting Lupron today...instead I got a call from my RE's office this morning stating that my TSH levels were really high (over 5) and that they won't cycle me until it's below a 2.  While I understand why they are postponing me...it doesn't make the news any easier to swallow. 

Plus, I'm nauseous today.  Hugging the porcelin god is not how I wanted to start the day. 

I'm feeling to yucky to really write anymore...

If I knew then...

I received my box o' drugs from the UPS man this morning.  If I knew then what I know now, we would have used my husband's HMO insurance back then.  As much as it's a pain to get referrals and approvals and such...I only paid $103 for all my meds.  Yep.  $50 co pay for the Lupron.  $50 co pay for the Endometrin and a $3 co pay for the antibiotic.  Nada for the F0llistim or men0pur.  Those were 100% covered by the insurance.  So any readers out there in mandated states...use the HMO's to your advantage!! 

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I had my saline ultrasound done yesterday.  Holy cramping!  It wasn't fun.  But everything checked out.  So I'm happy about that. 

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I'm surprisingly nervous about this cycle.  I mean, it's nothing new to us...we've done it before.  But I think that it being the last opportunity and having a brand new RE are making me a little anxious.  I start Lupron on Tuesday...I can't believe this is here already!

IVF #4 schedule

Got my schedule for this cycle.  I've never done IVF at a clinic that does "batches" so this is new to me.  I'm already on bcp and prenatals...

Lupron starts October 18th
Baseline appointment - November 2nd (lets hope that any cysts I may have shrink before then!)
Start stims - November 4th (if all is ok with my baseline)
Monitoring appointments - November 9th, 11th and 13th
ER - Week of November 14th (depends on how many days I stim)
ET - 3 days later.

If I follow all my previous cycles...and stim for 12 days...November 16th looks like ER.  Another Wednesday.  My past 2 ER's have been on Wednesdays.  Which means another Saturday ET.  I know where that puts me for an EDD.  But I don't want to think that far ahead.  I don't want to jinx anything. 

Now I wait for the pharmacy to call to confirm the drugs and give me the amount due.  I'm petrified it's going to be some crazy amount.  I hope it's not.

I'll be on Follistim and Menopur again.  And Ovidrel for trigger.  This RE only does PIO after ER up until ET...then he does vaginal suppositories 3x a day.  I guess it's both a good and bad thing.  No 2 inch needles every night...but must deal with the discharge from the suppository.  Just breathe...


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In other news.  Lexi had her first dentist appointment today.  We've been prepping her for a few weeks now...showing her how to open her mouth wide and pretending to count her teeth.  She was actually excited to go and readily hopped into the chair.  She did EXCELLENT.  She even let the dentist do a cleaning and floride treatment on her.  No squirmies.  I think the cleaning went so well because Lexi has a Tigger spin brush that she uses...so I told her that it would be just like using the Tigger toothbrush.  She was awesome.  As usual. 

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Holy crap...I just got a phone call from the insurance confirming my prescriptions!  The nurse just called them in about an hour ago...talk about fast service.  The pharmacy themselves has to give me the co pay amounts...and I should hear from them either later today or tomorrow.  They are shipping the drugs for delivery on FRIDAY!  OMG!!  Breathe....breathe...breathe....

And so it begins

AF arrived on Saturday...and with that I called it in to my RE.  I go on the 13th for an HSG, a pratice transfer and to return our consent forms.  Tomorrow, we have to get blood drawn for our infectious disease testing (this always makes me giggle for some reason...the wording, not the tests themselves).  BCP and prenatals are being called into my local pharmacy.  The nurse will call me later this week with actual dates, since they do ERs and ETs in batches.  IVF #4, our final attempt, has begun.

Consult for IVF#4

We had our consult with the new RE on Tuesday.  I had all my records from my previous RE, OB/GYN as well as DH's urologist.  The new RE was impressed.  I guess it pays to be organized and anal about things.  LOL!

Anyway, I liked him.  He reminds me of Mart.in Sh0rt.  But with glasses.  We talked about the 3 previous cycles we did and he said he would study all the records I brought him so that we can come up with the best plan of action.  He is going to change up my protocol a little, which I'm not thrilled about, but he said it's because of my age and he wants to get the best eggs possible. 

I'm to call when I get my period in October so they can start me on bcp.  I'll have a uterine ultrasound done on the day we go in to sign the 6 inches of legal paperwork involved with IVF.  He does his IVF's in groups...so I'm set for the November group.  Which means a late November/early December ER and ET.  Just in time for the holidays.  Great! (enter sarcasm here) 

I'm happy to get things moving.   But extremely nervous at the same time.  Knowing this is the last cycle.  Please G0d...

Sockeroo 2011

Kym over at The Smartness ran her Sock Exchange again this year and I finally decided I would participate.  The theme this year was :

It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you?


I can't even begin to describe what kind of support I've received over the last 18+ months.  Everything from advice on parenting, to virtual hugs during my miscarriage, to just saying "I hear you".  There are a number of women that I have "met" via this blog who I am now friends with over on that Social Networking site.  And who I feel really know me.  Even though we've never met face to face, or talked on the phone, I feel a kinship with them.  I laugh when they laugh, and I cry when they cry.  I haven't just received support over these last 18 months...I've made lifelong friends.  Friends I hope to meet face to face one day so our children can play (or get married lol!).   I'm not sure where I would be today if I hadn't decided to start this blog 4 years ago...

And my sock love comes from Molly over at McPolish!  Thank you Molly! I've already worn my socks a few times!

Lost interest

What do you do when you've lost all interest in sex?  That is where I am right now...and it's causing a huge rift between DH and I.  It's been over 2 months since our last initimate connection.  It's not for his lack of trying though.  I just don't ever feel "in the mood".  DH and I argue on a regular basis...and it all stems from our lack of sex life.  From my inability to give him what he desires...again.  What he doesn't seem to understand is that this problem is affecting me just as much as it is him...I'm just better at hiding it...of pushing it down into the recesses of my brain so that I don't have to feel broken again.  But broken is exactly how I feel.  And I suspect that it all stems from our IF diagnosis.   But I can't be 100% sure.  I mean, I know that is about when I began to lose interest.  Before we started seeing the RE, sex became something that was done at a specific time of the month in order to acheive a goal...having a baby.  When we had to start seeing the RE, I never was able to get back to the "sex for enjoyment" mindset I had before trying for a baby.  And it's snowballed from there.  And I don't know what to do about it.

Got my insurance referral

I received my insurance referral to the new RE today.  I also went for preliminary blood work this morning and I have to pick up my PAP results that are ready at my old OB's office.  The only thing I'm waiting on are my records from the old RE's office*

*Though I'm now not sure if IVF#4 is even going to happen.  Long story that I don't feel like posting about right now.

10 years

10 years have past...though it seems like yesterday.
I will never forget.
In memory of the almost 3000 lives lost...and the thousands of service men and women who have given their lives since...so that we may continue to live free.

Again

I've made my appointment to see a new RE for our last IVF cycle.  After much debate, we decided to go with this clinic.  Well, I decided...my DH is indifferent.  Why did I choose this one over the 3 others that the ob could have referred me to?  Well, one was ruled out because of the distance I'd have to travel for monitoring etc...an hour each way.  Plus, they didn't have very many cycles for women over 35 in their success rates on the CDC's website.  Like, they performed 1 in 2009.  The rest were all younger patients.  Another clinic was ruled out because of my personal feelings for one of the RE's in that practice.  I don't like her one bit.  She was my first RE...the one who left the clinic I was at and didn't tell any of her patients.  So that ruled out clinic #2.  So, I was left with the one I chose and one other one.  I ultimately chose this one because of it's University affliliation versus being a strictly private practice.  It's my opinion (right or wrong, it's mine) that University clinic's are more cutting edge and up to speed on the latest and greatest versus the private practices.  Again, right or wrong, it's my opinion and I'm entitled to it.

So in 10 days, I will meet with my new RE and go over the last 4 years of treatment.  I've requested my medical records from my old RE (to the tune of $50...what doctor charges that much??!!) as well as my OB.  I should have them in time for the appointment. 

DH's insurance will lapse on February 29th next year...so we have to have everything done by then or else we'll have to pay for another year of his insurance coverage.  AF came on 9/2, so I'm hoping that I can start bc with my October period...and maybe, if I'm lucky, stims will start in November...which means a December ER and ET.  Not the greatest timing...but I would still have 2 months "play" in that schedule. 

As for how I'm feeling...I'm nervous.  My previous RE got me pg both times I cycled there.  I hope this new RE will be open to following the same, or a slightly modified, version of my last protocols.  I'm just afraid he will change things up so much that if it doesn't work I won't know if it's because of the change in protocol or not.  Anyway, listen to me rambling...I haven't even met him yet.

Our last chance is starting...

Sock it to me!

I received my socks in the mail today!  Kind of amazing that they arrived so quickly...but I chalk that up to the fact that my sock sister is Molly, over here.  And since Molly lives in the same state as me...hell, she lives less than 50 miles from me...it explains why a package that was mailed on Saturday arrived on my doorstep today. 

I LOVE them.  Thanks Molly!  I will think of you and all my blog sisters whenever I don them! 

And my sock sister should be getting her package this week.  I was a slacker and just mailed them today :(.

Yea yea...I know I'm early in my post...and I have the whole reflection to do...but if I don't get something going now...it will be December before I remember!

Ants

I hate bugs.  Bugs of all kinds creep me out.  So imagine how creeped out I am to know that I have ants in my house.  Simple sidewalk ants that you see in the summertime...but they.are.in.my.house.  EW!  I've managed to get rid of them on the first floor by using ant traps and some spray (under my baseboards) but they are upstairs in my office!  I have a bird...so they are after any and all seed that the bird drops on the floor.  I try to vacuum everyday...but there are still some seeds I don't get.  The ant traps aren't helping because the ants just crawl under them (I have carpet in my office).  Anyone with ideas on how to get rid of them, sans fumagating my house?  Ugh! 

Growing Up

Dear Lexi,

I've been meaning to write this post for quite awhile now...but can never seem to get my thoughts straight.  You are 28 months old...but you are wise beyond your 2 years.  I'm amazed by you everyday.  Where just a few months ago you were struggling to say any words, you now use 7 and 8 word sentences.  I'm constantly floored to hear you say things like "Don't bump my chair, I don't like it"...and wonder where this opinionated, intelligent little girl came from. 

You even seem to be able to recall that on Tuesdays, Daddy goes to play poker...and will ask him, on Tuesday, if he's going to go play.  You have so much of him in you...his love of cars has clearly been ingrained in you as you LOVE to play with cars, "drive" Daddy's car, and ask him to "go racing".  His love of soccer is also one you share.  You are a great kicker and will make a great forward someday.  But you love all sports...and will ask to watch a "bateball" game or a "ocky" game if we pass one during channel surfing. 

I can't tell you enough how proud I am to be your mommy.  I marvel at your newest abilities...am dumbfounded by your use of words I didn't know you knew...and my heart swells when I look at you. 

You will forever be my first born.  My baby.  I will love you no matter what. 

Love,

Mommy

4 years of blogging

Wow...I missed my blogoversary.  4 years ago I started this blog as a way to vent about my first failed IVF attempt.  Never in a million years did I think that I would still be typing away 4 years later.  Thank you all for reading!!

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On another note.  I'm utterly devastated today.  As you may recall, earlier this year when I switched jobs, we enrolled in my husband's group medical on top of my own.  We did this because his was an HMO and in our state, HMO's are required by law to provide IVF coverage.  Which for us meant one last try at IVF.  Before we enrolled, I did my due diligence checking with my RE's office that they did in fact take this insurance.  Today, as I'm getting ready to make appointments...I learned that they no longer accept this insurance.  So we're back where we were 4 years ago.  Looking for an RE.  I'm devastated because this is our last shot.  There are no more chances after this one...and I really wanted to stay with the RE I trusted.  I did 2 cycles with her...and got pregnant both times.  I wanted to know I was with someone who knew my history and the office staff there does.  I LOVE them. But now, now I have to find a new RE.  And I don't have much time.  We only took the insurance for a year.  I mean, we could reenroll...but this is the only thing we are using this carrier for.  Everything else goes through my insurance.

Any ladies in the western Chicago suburbs?  Tell me who you go to?  Why?  What do you like about them...what don't you? Please...be honest?