My response...

to my cousin's little pg announcement email was simply to tell her Congratulations and I hope she understands how hard it is for me to hear, but that I am happy for her and her DH. That's about all I could muster. Then she comes back and says that her EDD is August 4, 2008. So I go online to a pg calaculator and find that she would have had a conception date of November 12th! Someone explain to me, how she could know already? I don't get it. I seriously think she's lying about the EDD. Why I don't know. But the best part is, I don't even know why I give a damn! Why do I care? It's not like it has any bearing on my daily life...but that's not true. It does. She lives 5 doors down...I see her quite often.

This sucks!

Oh, and my DH wants me to go "talk" to someone...considering how hard I've taken "this news". Whatever...who knows, it may do me some good.

Confirmed...

**Warning - pg mentioned**

I received confirmation today that my cousin is pg with #2...she sent me an email telling me all about her Thanksgiving and Black Friday experience...the very last line reads "More news to share. I'm pregnant..." I don't know how I'm supposed to respond...Congrats? Glad one of us is part of the fertile world? Part of me is pissed that she didn't have the nerve to tell me over the phone or in person, but the other part of me is happy that I didn't have to look at her or respond right away. The email gives me a chance to get my first reaction of crying my eyes out, out of my system. It's so hard to know that she's going to have 2 before I have one...and we've been trying longer!

I feel like I'm such a failure. I keep thinking "Why me?" What did I do wrong to deserve this hell? The most basic function of being a woman, the ability to conceive, is one that I don't have. I feel like less of a woman...I can't really describe it any other way. It's getting harder and harder to maintain a smile on the outside while I'm falling apart on the inside. This blog is my only lifeline...the only outlet I have. My DH doesn't even know it exists. I hate what my life has become since this IF hell took over.

My heart is crushed

**Warning - pg mentioned (not mine)**

My heart is crushed...I just found out that my cousin is pg with #2. Her DH let it slip to my future BIL...my mom just called me to tell me. My cousin and I are 3 months apart in age...DH and I have been TTC #1 for at least a year before she tried. I was very supportive of her for the whole 3 months she tried to get pg right after going off the pill. They announced pg #1 one day before we left for Hawaii for my wedding. Took all the wind out of my sails then. Stole my thunder I guess you could say. I was very happy for her...even planned her baby shower...her DS is my godson and I love him dearly. But I'm so heartbroken right now that she's pg with #2 and I'm still trying for #1. It hurts so bad. My mom thinks they're going to announce it at Christmas...if they do I'll break out in tears right then and there. It's not fair. My heart is aching.

Pet Peeves

I'm feeling annoyed today...so I thought I'd share some of my pet peeves...

• If you just saw me hit the elevator call button, why must you press it again?
• If you just saw me hit the floor you want, why must you press it again?
• Please people, let me OFF the elevator BEFORE you try to push your way on!
• Please don't clip your nails on the train
• or for that matter...don't paint your nails, pick your nose or get annoyed with me because the train lurched me into you while you were applying your lipstick (I did chuckle at this one)
• If you see that I just loaded the dishwasher, don't put your glass in the sink! Put it in the dishwasher!
• I'm no one's maid, pick up your clothes and put them in the hamper
• If aforementioned clothes are not in the hamper, they don't get washed on laundry day.

Unoriginal post title...

I can't think of anything original for the title of this post just yet...maybe I'll change it later, or not.

First order of business...FamilyofTwo posted about remembering our veterans this holiday season. I want to second this notion. Even if you don't agree with the war, please take a few extra minutes to send an additional holiday card to a wounded soldier at:

A Recovering American Airman, Soldier, Sailor or Marine

c/o Walter Reed Medical Center

6900 Georgia Avenue, NW

Washington, DC 20307-5001

Some may not get to spend the holidays with their loved ones and a small gesture from you will mean the world to them.

Second order of business...thank you to Jenna for the honor of the Flame of Fortitude...

While I'm happy to have the honor of your readership, I'm sorry that we all have these blogs to begin with. I started mine as a way to vent and put my feelings down, and also as a "memento", if you can call it that, of what DH and I are going through. I'd hoped to show it to my child some day. I've learned though, that the kinship I feel with those bloggers that comment here and those bloggers whose stories I follow, is more than a virtual feeling. I've come to hope with these people, to cry with them, get angry with them, feel happy with them and for them. They are more than just anonymous posters in the infinite blogosphere...from them I gain knowledge and confidence, learn to laugh again and know that it's ok to cry. So I nominate all of you for a Flame of Fortitude award. For without your willingness to share, many would be lost in the sea of infertility.

Yet another doc tells me I'm "damaged"

I went to see a chiropractor last night, for reasons that I stated in my previous post. I've never been to a chiro and didn't know what to expect, but I can tell you I didn't expect to be told that I'm damaged! I spent an hour with Dr C, a little woman about 5'2", maybe 100lbs soaking wet. She had me lay on the table and she examined my spine, pointing out that the place I was the most damaged, in my middle back, has nerves that connect to my uterus and ovaries and did I have painful periods or any reproductive issues? Um yes. So now I'm infertile because my back is jacked up? Come on, I may be naive, but I'm not sure I believe that one...but who knows. She also did a thermal scan and took x-rays. She told me my head tilts to the right and is slightly turned to the right, my right shoulder is higher than my left, one of my hips (can't remember which one) is higher than the other, and I don't carry my weight evenly on both feet...my left side carries 5lbs more than my right. Basically, my spine is all out of whack...so I go back tonight to discuss treatment options (how often etc). I never realized that the pain I had in my back could be anything except stress and tension...after last night I've changed my mind.

Ramblings...animal death mentioned

So nothing new on the IF front...DH is still taking his Clomid like a good man...his follow up appt is the 14th...so we'll see where his testosterone levels are at that point. I will most likely be making an appt to go back to the new RE...have to find out if there are any additional tests she wants to run that my other RE didn't.

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to see a chiropractor. I have back pain...all the time. If you poke my lower back, around the tail bone, I'll jump sky high...it's very sensitive. But lately, what's been bothering me the most is what I think is tension pain in my shoulder blades, and it radiates down my right arm...not fun. So I called 2 places and one never answered the phone, and the other is only open until 6:30! I don't get home until 6:15, but luckily the DR there is willing to stay late for a consult with me, then we'll work out something.

What else? HHmmm...oh yea...my birdie died <8'(. I had 2 cockatiels, both since birth. One, Lester, was hand fed and raised by me. The other, Junior, was raised by the parent birds. Well, Junior was at the bottom of his cage last night, on his back. I was not particularly attached to Junior, but it still made me cry to think this poor little birdie didn't live as long as he should have. Cockatiels have a life expectancy of about 10 -15 years. He was 4. I'm not sure what happened...he had food and water, no draft in the room...just died. Now, I am attached to Lester, whom I raised and fed myself from the time he was 7 days old. He's 7. And I would be absolutely heart broken if anything happened to him...big difference huh? I guess that's what happens when you raise them from infancy (wow! isn't that ironic!...Lester could very well be the only one I raise from infancy!) So anyway, DH will bury Junior in our garden today. RIP Junior.

Happy Birthday to me! (One day late)

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 31. When I was 21, I had hoped to be married and a mom by 25. When I turned 25, I had hoped to be married and a mom by 28. At 28, I was married, but not a mom. As my 31st birthday came and went, I didn't think about being a mom...at least not as obsessively as I have in the past. I enjoyed spending the day with my DH...we both took the day off work. We ran errands and DH made reservations at Harry Carey's for dinner...but it was a laid back, peaceful day. One that was only marred by an under cooked steak, but which was easily remedied. It was the first birthday in a long time that wasn't plagued with the thought of getting older and not having a baby. In fact, I've decided to teach myself how to crochet. Don't laugh...I've done needlepoint, but my eyes are so bad now (I wear bifocals) that it's hard to continue. I want a new hobby. Crocheting is it.

Enlightenment? No, just positive thoughts.

In my last post, I talked about the 3 wonderful ladies in my cycle group who all have gotten their BFP's. Well, as I've been catching up on my blog reading, I learned that some of my fellow bloggers have gotten their BFP's as well. Initially, I wasn't sure how I felt about all these BFP's happening around me when DH and I are stuck in cycle limbo. The more I thought about it, the more I've realized how genuinely happy I am for these women who have suffered the perils of infertility just like I have. Why shouldn't I be happy for them? The only obvious reason I could come up with was "They have what I want". But that's not reason enough to begrudge someone the happiness that I long for. I'm not "that" kind of person.
While I know that positive thinking isn't going to get me pregnant, I also know that negative thinking is not good for the psyche. So I'm going to try to throw out the "Why them and not me?" attitude and focus instead on all the happiness I do have in my life...I have a wonderful, loving DH who would part the seas for me if he could and whom I love more than anything in this world...I have a fulfilling job that keeps my brain active and alert (not to mention pays the bills)...I have a beautiful home and great neighbors...I have a sweet and adorable 17 month old godson whom I love to death...I have a playful dog ...supportive friends.... I know that ONE day, we WILL have the baby that we yearn for.
I have to take things one day at a time...each day that passes is one closer to my dream fulfilled.

Left Behind

I am a little sad today. But I am also very happy. Aside from this blog, I also post on another infertility forum, and have gotten to know some of the women there. I regularly (ok, semi regularly) post on a thread where 4 of us were cycling around the same time. One got her BFP early in the spring...another just about a week or so ago...and the third POAS a few days ago and got a positive. That means, I'm the one "left behind". Now, don't get me wrong, I love these ladies and am very happy that they finally got there, but I also can't help but feeling a little jealous and sad. Now I know what all those VET posters meant when they explained how it felt to be the only one in their "group" to not get pg. I'm feeling that now. Like my heart doesn't know what to do...it's alternately breaking and swelling with happiness for these women, my friends. Can that even happen? I feel like someone is playing with the happy button today...

A Wedding Reception...2 years in the making

As I stated in a previous post...DH and I got married 2 years ago in Maui. We never had an "at home reception" until this weekend. On Saturday, DH and I hosted 60 people in our backyard. Let me tell you...I will NEVER do it again. I was exhausted! My parent's came out on Thursday night to help me since DH was working Friday and Saturday. Friday was spent shopping, setting up tents, tables, chairs, making salads, prepping veggies, making dips. It was non stop! Saturday morning I was charged with making the pasta, picking up the keg, getting the ice. All this while cleaning the house! Party started about 3 and the last people left at 1am. I had SO much food leftover! We were expecting 80 people, and obviously, some didn't show. I was giving food away at the end of the night to people otherwise I would have had to trash it. There was no room in my fridge!

I don't know how people do this. I thought I'd save some bucks by catering the event myself (and I did), but it was SO NOT WORTH the headache (and backache, and foot aches etc). If I ever get up the courage to host this many people again, I'll spring for a party planner and caterer!

Don't get me wrong, the party was fun, and it was great to see all my family and friends. We had a good time (drank the whole keg and then some!), but it was tiring. We received some great gifts (which weren't expected), but I'm still cleaning up.

So when's the next shindig? Who knows...probably New Years! I'm a glutton for punishment!

When rock stars get old...

they should just quit...instead of parading around on stage trying to convince themselves and their fans that they are still 30 years old. See I went to see Aerosmith last night. My first time seeing them in concert...and I was SOOO excited. Well, the show flat out SUCKED! Joan Jett and the Blackhearts opened the show, which wasn't too bad, but I'm not familiar with alot of her songs...only "I Love Rock N Roll"...which she played as I was waiting in line for the ladies room...but I digress. Aerosmith probably didn't come on until about 9:30 and the show was over by 11. The show had no energy...they played alot of stuff that people didn't know...and only a few of their big hits that everyone could sing along with. I've never been to concert were people actually SAT DOWN! It seemed like they were only doing the show out of obligation...see, they postponed the original date (9/10) and it felt like they didn't really want to be doing it...even though the place was SOLD OUT!

I understand that these guys are nearing 60 and can't be jumping around the stage like they did 30 years ago, but I at least thought I'd hear some awesome tunes...Steve Tyler barely even sang...alot of the songs were drawn out with alot of instrumentals...He only sang 1 verse of Sweet Emotion and then there was 10 minutes of Joe Perry strumming his guitar!

All in all I was extremely disappointed with the experience...Metallica put on a better show.

What do I talk about now?

First I want to say that Jenna received some pretty devastating news...please go see her and send your love.


As for me, the whole point of this blog was to capture our journey to being parents by way of IVF. Since cycling has been put on hold until at least next year, I'm not sure what I should use this blog for now. I don't want to abandon it, but I also don't want to bore my small audience with my mundane life routine. I'll have to see what new and exciting things I can begin to do to give me more to discuss.


For today I'll tell you about the party DH and I are throwing in a few weeks. DH and I were married October 5, 2005 in Maui, Hawaii. We swore we would throw an "at home reception" the following spring...well that was a bust since we put our house up for sale. Then we said we'd have a party on our first anniversary...that didn't work either since our house sold and our new house fell through and we were basically homeless for 2 months. (Seriously, we lived with my in laws and were so cramped we stayed out as long as we could at night).


So now we're coming up on our 2 year anniversary and we're finally throwing a shin dig. We invited 120 people to our brand new house on the 29th (Yikes, what was I thinking!) and so far 65 have accepted. We plan on having the bash in our backyard (we have a 1/2 acre) and are hoping and praying that our weatherman will keep any rain at bay. I can't imagine having almost 70 people crammed IN my house. The thought frightens me. But what scares me the most is that alot of these people don't know that DH and I have done one IVF cycle and are seeking ART treatments. I just know that we're going to be bombarded with questions about when we're going to have children. Want to know what my response will be? Well, depending on my mood it could range from "A baby will come to us when he/she is ready" to "Mind your own fucking business" I hope I'm in a good mood that day.

Thank you

First I want to say thank you to the few followers I have on my blog...your comments from my post yesterday helped me out of the trench I was in.

So out of one trench and into another...DH has a low testosterone level. Normal range is around 350, his is at 212. What does this mean? Aside from causing low sperm counts, it can also affect his health in other ways...muscle mass, bone density etc. He goes back next week to see the vampire again to draw more blood. Doc thinks DH will need to take Clomid (imagine that!)...but any changes in his sperm count won't be fully realized until at least 3 months from now. Which means we won't be cycling until next year!

I'm very upset about not being able to cycle...though I knew this was a possibility. It all has to do with the goal I set for myself at the beginning of the year...I wanted to be pregnant before the end of 2007....preferably before my 31st birthday, but since that's in a month THAT won't be happening. It's hard to think that I was 27 when DH and I started this journey...I know other women have been trying far longer than I, and my heart goes out to all of them...but it doesn't ease my pain today...only adds to it. I don't want to think that I could be joining their ranks, and that with each passing year, my chances diminish even more. As it is my FSH level is high for my age (I think it was 13 last I had it checked).

Anyway, I'm not trying to diminish anyone's experiences...we each have our pain and I'm respectful of that. I'm just afraid that we may not get another shot at this...

Does this mean I really don't want a baby?

I'm overweight...this I know. It's partly due to my PCOS, partly due to my eating habits, and partly due to my lack of exercise. I know this...but I can't seem to bring myself to do anything about it. My doc prescribed Metformin for me...but I don't take it because it upsets my stomach...I have horrible eating habits...I don't eat breakfast 90% of the time, eat a quick lunch and then the only saving grace of the day is that I usually have a decent dinner. I can't seem to change that...I'll start off with determination, to change my habits, but within a week, I've reverted to my old ways.

I also don't exercise...I have a desk job, so I don't move around a whole lot during the work day...I have a 2 hour commute to and from work, so that's an additional 4 hours a day I can't move. I leave home at 5:45am and don't get home until after 6pm...then I make dinner so it's ready when DH gets home around 7. By the time we're done and everything is cleaned up, I'm exhausted from the day. We have walked around the neighborhood on days when he gets home early, but those aren't as often as I would need.

As I was pondering all these things today, I wondered if because I can't seem to change my habits, if that means that deep down I don't want to get pg? My heart and my mind tell me that's not true, but I know what the RE will say...you need to lose weight, change your eating habits and exercise more...and I can't seem to discipline myself enough to follow through.

Could it be that subconsciously I am waiting to hear the results from DH's tests today? To see if we can even proceed to IVF#2 with his sperm? to see if the results tell us that we would need to use donor sperm and I know DH isn't ready to make that choice yet? I can't seem to grasp why I can't seem to follow through on making the changes in my life that I know can only help me get pg in the long run...what's wrong with me?

6 Years Later...and I still remember...

where I was at 7:56am CST when the first plane hit the World Trade Center. I was on a bus, on my way to work, in downtown Chicago. I was listening to the radio when they broke into the current song with the news. I remember walking into my office, where it was business as usual...no one had heard the news. That changed after the second plane hit...people were glued to cnn.com, and msnbc.com watching the latest updates, me included.

I remember trying to reach my father, who also worked in the city...to only get voicemail.

I remember holding one woman who worked for me after she came into work, only to hear the news and break down in tears...her aunt and cousin worked on the 97th floors of the towers...they never did recover her cousin's remains.

I remember a woman who had an account with us, who worked for Fred Alger Management...her name I will never forget. Meredith Whalen. She was just 23. I never met her, only spoke to her on the phone once or twice about her account. But for some reason, her name stays with me. Maybe because she was so close in age to me.

I remember senior management sending everyone home, fearing that the Sears Tower could be a target as well. I was one of the last to leave...all the trains were packed with people, yet they were eerily silent. Everyone sat in stunned silence.

I remember getting home and being glued to the television, like so much of America.

I remember crying.

I remember being sad.

I remember being angry that terrorists could do this to my fellow Americans.

I remember everyone saying "We Will Never Forget".

6 years later, I'm still glued to msnbc.com, watching the memorial service.

6 years later, I'm still crying.

6 years later, I'm still sad.

6 years later, I'm still angry...but now I'm angry that others seem to have forgotten.

I am the only one wearing any semblance of red, white and blue in my office. My house was the only one I saw with the American Flag proudly displayed. Why have people seemed to have forgotten?

I Will Never Forget

My boring life...

So it's been more than a week since I last posted here...is that because my life is so boring that I'm embarrassed to share? Yes and no. Lately, my life has been boring and I've been wallowing in self pity. DH has been working late each night b/c they are short handed...so that leaves me...just me...in a 4 bdrm house...all alone. Don't get me wrong...I love my house...purchased with the intention that we would fill it with children's laughter and lots of family get togethers...it's for that same reason that I'm up to my eyeballs with self pity. I sit in our family room...alone...wondering what I should be doing. Dusting? done. Vacuuming? done. Laundry? done. Dishes? done. I'm telling you I have the cleanest toilets you'll ever see...I can't clean anymore...there's just nothing left to clean. All my girlfriends have kids, or live over an hour away. I'm not a phone person so I don't call anyone. I think I've been to the end of the Internet...the only solace I've found has been in the form of a few drinks with the neighbors across the street.

So I'm not neglecting this blog...just have nothing to say lately...I hope that will change soon.

Stupid people

Why do people insist on telling me that I need to relax and I will get pg? If it were that easy we'd have a whole soccer team by now!



Growing up, there were 4 of us girls who all went to school together and have known each other since kindergarden. Our parents are also friends. So this weekend was one of the girls (J's) father's 60th birthday party. J and her sister, G, both have kids...this I knew going in...didn't bother me. What bothered me was that our parent's sat there and passed pictures of their grandkids around. My poor mother (who knows our IVF woes) and one other mother didn't contribute to the picture parade. When my mom was asked if I had kids (right in front of me by the way, couldn't they just ask me) she said no, but that we were working on it.



In my pissed off state, I decided to chime in and say that we are seeking medical assistance...to which I get, from not one, but THREE people...oh just relax and it will happen...I know so and so was having issues and they did this and they got pg! UUGGHH I wanted to strangle them!! Why do people insist on putting their 2 cents in when it's not asked for or wanted?

I wonder...

I wonder what it will be like to see those 2 pink lines
I wonder what it will feel like to first know you are there, growing big & strong inside me
I wonder if I will cry out with joy when I first hear your heartbeat...this I can guarantee
I wonder when I'll first get to feel you move and kick...where will I be?
I wonder if you will look like me, or like your daddy, or like whomever first gives you life
I wonder about your birthday and cry when I think of how happy I will be when you are laid upon my chest.
I wonder when I will be able to hold you in my arms and inhale your sweet baby scent
I wonder when I'll be able to look into your eyes and see your sweet smile

I wonder when you will decide to come into our lives...we think of you often...

Should weight be an issue in adoption?

Someone on another board posted this article. Should weight come into play when deciding if someone can be a proper caregiver to a child? In my opinion, it can go either way. If someone who is morbidly obese and unable to care for themselves, then I would say they shouldn't be able to adopt a child...if they can't care for themselves how can they care for a baby? But a person who is still active and generally healthy...in this man's case...then I don't think weight should play into it. It's a fine line...China has restrictions on weight to adopt internationally...no one is in uproars over that. Is it discrimination when a judge in our country rules that weight is an issue but not when China does? Would love to hear other's ideas...