Thursday, January 30, 2014

Sad realizations - A rambling post

I haven't seen my therapist since November.  I really need to get back in to see her.  Though I've been trying to put into action some of the things I had learned over the past 2 years.  Namely, not to catch the guilt...and to not let myself be manipulated.

These are hard things for me.  It means taking things I've learned over the past 15 years and undoing them.  It means breaking down walls that have been erected to protect my heart. 

Before I married my husband, the relationship I was in was not healthy.  I didn't know it at the time though.  But looking back, he would try to control me.  Would make me feel bad about myself...even told me that no one else would ever love me.  My reaction was to retreat into myself.  Not speak my opinion.  Not go out anywhere.  I left that relationship after 7 years.  7 years I allowed myself to be mentally beat up. 

It's just recently that I realized that those same things I despised about that relationship...happen in my marriage. 

If I'm playing on my phone...he asks which boyfriend I'm texting.

When I go to the grocery store...he jokes that I must be meeting my boyfriend.

If I take care in my appearance...he asks who I'm trying to impress.

This, coming from the guy who cheated on me twice in the last 2 years.

I don't have any friends left.  They've all moved on when they got tired of me declining their invitations. 

I'm at my happiest when he's at work.  The moment he comes home, I can feel myself tense up.  He's a very negative person.  And that negativity is weighing me down mentally.  Like with his most recent review.  He received a 2% increase.  And instead of being happy he received ANY raise at all...he complained about it.  And complained about the feedback he received from his boss. 

He yells alot as well.  At the dogs for drinking their water...or for walking around (yes, he does this) too much.  He yells at Lexi if she's too loud.  He sits on the couch watching TV...

My sister and her boyfriend were here for the holidays...he brought his 6 year old daughter again.  Something happened between the girls and they were arguing.  Instead of letting them figure it you...H yelled at them.  My sister's boyfriend, who was sitting in the kitchen with me...turns to H and says "Yea, you keep parenting from the couch while you watch your car shows...that's real effective parenting".  He said it in a joking tone...but it hit home for me.

H is a couch parenter.  He comes home from work.  Eats dinner...and plops on the couch to watch TV.  He doesn't engage Lexi at all in any type of play.  He doesn't read to her.  They have no daddy/daughter time at all.  He makes no time for it.  They went to a Daddy Daughter Dance at Lexi's school recently...but only because I paid for the tickets, photo and flower wristlet already.  It broke my heart to see how excited she was to finally get to spend time one on one with Daddy.

I've been saying for 2 years now that I don't know where my marriage is going.  Is it a loveless marriage?  Maybe.  I do care for H...but am I still in love with him?  I don't know.  How can you be in love with someone that you don't want to be around because of their negative, the world owes me, attitude?


Familyofthree said...

I wish I had the magic wand to make this all better for you. Unfortunately no one does but you. Know that you're not alone! You do have friends--even if we live in Pennsylvania and not in your neck of the woods. We're only an email away! I will say this--BOTH you and Lexi deserve to be happy, as does hubby, but if you can't all be happy together then something needs to change and it won't until someone flinches...finally, Lexi is learning not only how to be a Wife and Mother as she grows but also how a husband treats his wife...and she will repeat those same patterns...

Anonymous said...

Hugs to you as you figure this out for you and L.

Michelle said...

I read your blog occasionally, but never comment, but this post really pulled my heart strings. I have been in a dead end marriage and only YOU can decide when it's enough. You can get advice from all over the planet, but until you decide what you want, no one can do that for you.
However, I would suggest finding a mom's group or church group and make some friends. You cannot be a good parent, if you don't take care of yourself. You need some YOU time.
I am sorry that you are going through this. Keep us posted.