Friday, February 14, 2014

Happy Valentine's Day

After my last post, I made it in to see my therapist.  I haven't been in since November!  We talked about how I feel like H has this negative bubble around him...and he sucks the life out of me whenever he's around.  He's a pessimist...which wouldn't necessarily bother me except that it's paired with his "the world is against me" attitude and his "I'm owed something" attitude.  I don't know how else to describe it.  But when I listen to him tell me about his day...not one positive thing comes out of his mouth.  And I've asked...did anything GOOD happen today?  He'll say "not really".  How about the fact that you woke up this morning...have a job to go to...have a wife and daughter at home??? 

My therapist seems to think, and I agree, that he's a classic depression case.    He's got low self esteem, loss of interest in friends, loss of motivation, loss of interest in activities etc etc etc.  But he'll never admit it. 

This whole thing has done a number on MY self esteem as well.  He would always say I was the one with the problem.  I was causing the issues.  If I would only have sex with him x number of times per week everything would be fine.  But I've come to realize that while I may have gone through a bought of depression with the miscarriage, I've come out of that.  I enjoy being with friends and having a drink or two.  I enjoy being with my daughter and playing with her.  I enjoy spending time with my family.  2 years ago that wasn't the case. 

Today is Valentine's Day.  I struggled with finding a card for H.  All the sappy lovey ones don't fit.  All the sex ones don't fit.  I finally settled on one where the message was "I'm grateful you are in my life".  Seemed the closest fitting.  My card from him was a squirrel that says "I wuv woo" while he's eating nuts.  He made a comment to me when I gave him his card that I didn't even put his name on the does he know it's for him.  How about because I HANDED it to you!??!!

I feel weak for not being able to up and decide to separate.  My head says that is what would be best.  I'm afraid of what it would do to Lexi.  But I'm also afraid of what staying will do to her.  UGH.


Familyofthree said...

You're not weak, Amy! You will eventually get to a point where YOU decide what is best for your marriage and your daughter. The blessing is that Lexi has you and you love her. No matter what happens between you and hubby Lexi KNOWS she is loved!!! Hugs honey! Keep your chin up!!!

Anonymous said...

Man, oh man. You are not weak. You are strong for everything you have pulled through. You will know what to do when the time comes. XOXO