Love these moments

It's 3am...and I heard the call from her room..."Mommma?  Momma?"  I pulled myself from my warm bed and trotted into her room. 

What is it baby?

I need you momma...

I pick her up and bring her to the lazy boy in the corner of her room...feel the warmth of her little body next to mine...feverish warmth.  We snuggle together on the recliner and she's soon fast asleep in my arms.  And I am transported back 4 years...to when she was just a peanut in my arms.  Warm and squishy.  When I would look at her and marvel that she was mine.  IS mine.  That I was blessed with such a beautiful creature.

Still warm...but no longer squishy.  A big girl by day...but still my baby by night...when she still wants her momma to snuggle with her.  I still marvel at the miracle that is her. 

And while the nights were I'm more annoyed at being woken up at 3am are plentiful...there are times like this night when I sit with her, alseep in my arms, and let the time pass.  Just us.  Heart to heart.  Momma and daughter.  Together.  Peaceful.  And I'm happy to just be.

Back to normal

AF arrived yesterday...28 days after the last one.  Back to normal.  I guess missing in October was a fluke...I mean, I was thankful I didn't have her while vacationing...but still. 

Oh...and our Christmas tree fell over today.  Yep, was upstairs working when I heard a "whoosh" followed by a tinkling noise.  All the dogs were with me...so I know none of them knocked it over.  My poor tree..I had just filled it with water so there was water and ornaments everywhere.  Oh, and have I told you that I'm allergic to said tree?  Yep, break out in hives after touching it.  So picking it up and repositioning it in the stand and cleaning up...yea, my arms are hideous.

Gotta love Friday the 13th!

A 4.5 year old's Christmas list

Lexi's Christmas list this year is quite different from last...

Last year she wanted everything...and while she still does want everything she sees...when it comes down to writing her letter to Santa...she's very specific:

Lalaloopsy Hair Doll with pink hair
The doll that eats and poops (Baby Alive)
A telescope

Yes, you read that right...my 4.5 year old wants a telescope.  When I asked her what she would do with a telescope she promptly replied "look at the stars and planets Mom!".  Well duh!

So off we went looking for a telescope that wasn't crazy expensive, but not a "kiddie" one either (her request).  Luckily for us, we found a brand new telescope, unopened, in a second hand shop...for $20.  Sold.

So here is what Lexi is getting this year for Christmas:

Lalaloopsy Hair - from mom and dad
Frozen Sheet Set - from mom and dad
Baby Alive - from Santa
Baby Alive diapers and food - from mom and dad
Telescope - from Santa
Turbo DVD - from Santa
Lalaloopsy Workshop - from Santa
Melissa and Doug Dollhouse - from Santa

The dollhouse wasn't originally in the plan...but I won it during a Melissa & Doug Twitter party.  It's seriously an awesome prize.  I didn't even have to pay shipping! 

And so far I know grandma got Lexi a new recliner chair (her current chair is 4 years old and has seen better days) and auntie got her Anna and Elsa dolls from "Frozen" and I think that Cuddles the Monkey (which I hope she didn't).

Budget breakdown:
Lalaloopsy Hair - $19.99
Frozen sheets - $19.99
Baby Alive - $24
Baby Alive accessories - $12
Telescope - $20
Turbo - $9.99
Lalaloopsy workshop - $14.99
Dollhouse - $0.00
Total: $120.96 plus tax
Retail price (going off today's prices) $378.94 plus tax
Saved: $257.98 ($149.99 is the dollhouse!)

I love Target's price matching and Cartwheel app...I spent just a tad more than the $100 we budgeted...but I still think we did good. 

First "real" snowfall of the season

I say "real" because we've had dustings over the last few weeks that melted within a few hours.  Last night, however, we received our first substantial snowfall.  Roughly an inch...not much.  But enough that when the kiddo woke up this morning and saw it she immediately had to go play in it.  So what does this mama do?  Why I dressed her for school, put on her snowsuit and boots and let her have at it.  At 7am.  She came in for breakfast and happily went off to school. 

I've learned that it's the little things that mean the most to her.  The 10 minutes of snow time before school.  The 7 minutes of playground time at the mall.  The 5 minutes of looking at toys at the store.  The 3 minutes on the bungee bounce (I SO wish I could do this...but the weight limit is 150lbs).  These few minutes of letting her just be a kid.  They bring the biggest smiles to her face...and it reminds me to take these minutes more frequently.  Before she's all grown up and they are gone. 

Thanksgiving

My brine is done...the bird is thawed and ready for it's bath.

The cooking has started.

And I look at my little girl...4.5 years old.

4.5 years. 

5 Thanksgivings

More love every year...every day

More love than I ever imagined I was capable of

So thankful to be her mama

Been sick

Sorry for being absent...again.  I've been sick the last week...coughing and hacking up the yuck.  It's been 10 days and while I'm feeling 100% better, I've still got some chest congestion going on...not much...and it's getting better each day.

My GYN appointment is tomorrow...and while I don't think he'll be able to miraculously look at me and state what the issue is...I'm still hoping to get some idea what, if anything, is going on.

AF came and went...4 days long.  Having a 4 day period isn't abnormal for me...but I would have thought since I missed a cycle...that it would be a longer one.  Who the heck knows. 

I had my parent teacher conferences this morning with Lexi's pre-K teacher...who I love.  I was not prepared for her to hand me a Kindergarten readiness handbook.  That caught me off guard.  I mean, I know she'll be in Kindergarten next year...but actually getting a handbook and starting to prepare for it?  Holy cow...though my darling little reminds me that she'll be 5 on her next birthday!  She thinks 5 is some magical number...and that something, I don't know what, will change when she turns 5. 

Yep

So AF arrived this morning...36 days late.  I just had a 64 day cycle.  I had to reschedule my appointment...yet again, because...well, because I didn't want to pay a co-pay for what I already know...I'm not pregnant. 

I still want to know why I had a 64 day cycle...which I why I am going on the 26th.  I'll have my PAP done...as well as bloodwork to find out what my hormone levels are.

It is what it is...I guess.

Could it be?????

Of course, since my doctor's appoinment is tomorrow...what happens today?

I use the bathroom and find pinkish/brownish discharge on the tp. 

Nerves

For shits and giggles I POAS this morning with FMU...as expected, it was negative.

So I went to MedicineNet.com's symptom checker...better than google right?...

Well, the number one thing that came up for me?  Ectopic Pregnancy.  Though I would think the absence of hCg in my system would rule that out....the other options:

Perimenopause
Premature Ovarian Failure - basically menopause in someone younger than 40 (me)...what I'm thinking
Anorxia Nervosa -Um, no...trust me, I eat
Pregnancy - Don't think so
Hypopituitarism - yea, this one scares me as it's caused by some kind of brain infection or tumor

Not happy...

WTF

So my doctor's appointment was scheduled for 3pm today...at 2:30, while I'm in the car, I get a phone call from his office stating that he was called away for a delivery and won't be back today.  WTF! 

I mean, I understand...but I had no idea he was now the ONLY doctor in the practice...there used to be 3 of them plus an NP.  Now it's just him.  And he's in his 70s. 

All the more reason for me to switch after the 1st of the year...but until then...I'm stuck! 

So now my appointment has been rescheduled for Thursday at 10:30.  Let's hope no one goes into labor...

The sick

The sick has invaded my house...

Lexi has been sick since Tuesday of last week...I kept her home Tuesday when she sounded like a frog.  Sent her on Wednesday when she seemed better...she made it through the 2.5 hours of class.  Thursday I sent her as well...but the nurse sent her home with a 101 fever and instructions on staying home until she's fever free for 24 hours.  So she'd been home.  With me.

Saturday I started feeling congested.  Sunday was just a waste...with me sitting on the couch watching first the Bears lose to the Lions...then the BlackHawks beat the Oilers.  Lexi sat with me most of the day.

Today, DH is off work for Veteran's Day...Lexi is at school, and I have to work.  Darn company doesn't recognize Veteran's Day as a holiday.  But the sick is still lingering.

No developments on the "other" front.  Face is broken out, jeans are snug, I smell everything...even being congested.  I see my doctor tomorrow. 

Chicken soup is in the crock pot for dinner tonight...and I'm salivating at the smell of it.  I love homemade chicken soup...I make my own broth and it's excellent!

29 days

Today, AF is supposed to arrive.  Again.  I've officially missed an entire cycle...and I don't feel like she's imminent.  I'm starting to wonder if my doctor ran a quantitative HCG or if he just ran a qualitative one. 

My last AF was 9/11/13...and I average 29 days.  So I should have O'd on or around the 25th.  We did the deed on the 21st.  We also did the deed on the 5th, so if I O'd a week late, due to stress of the trip...

See where my mind is going? 

It shouldn't be going there because it's not possible...right?  I mean, we've been together 10 years...never used birth control and never got pregnant "unassisted". 

This is crazy.  Crazy.  I feel like I'm going crazy.  Because my face is broken out...and my jeans are snug...I'm craving salt like a mad woman...I'm going crazy.  Tuesday can't come soon enough!

3 years

It's been 3 years since I lost you.  I still think of you everyday and wonder what you would be like today, at 2.5 years old.  I miss you and love you more than anything.

Love,

Mama

Still nothing

Still no AF...25 days late.  And I don't even feel like it's imminent...and technically, I'm due again on Thursday the 7th.  I hate how all of a sudden my body is throwing me for this loop!

Thoughts

21 days late.  No signs of AF...and definitely NOT pregnant.  I sit here and contemplate what that means for my reproductive health.  I know this could be a fluke annovulatory cycle...but I've ALWAYS been within 4 days of average.  So it has me thinking...would I be ok with the knowledge that my reproductive years could be finished?

The answer is no. 

In August 2012, 8 months after our 4th and last failed IVF, I went through all the baby stuff I had and sold/donated 90% of it.  I have no baby clothes, save the ones for Lexi's quilt, in my house.  No bottles or diapers.  No paci's or baby toys.  No changing pad, bouncer seat, bumbo or crib.  I did save my car seat/stroller combo, high chair, swing, and exersaucer...though the exersaucer and high chair are currently on loan to a friend.  I also saved one pack n play.  I saved these things, not because I thought I'd have another baby some day...after all, the goal of my purge was to "accept" not having another baby...but because I had 2 good friends who were pregnant at the time and I figured they could use it when/if they came to my house.  And it was used in that purpose.

But these last 21 days, I've come to realize that, while I thought I had accepted not ever being pregnant again, I really haven't.  The ache is there.  The longing to hold a sweet bundle of newborn goodness...and inhale that scent only a newborn has.  That longing takes nothing away from how I feel about Lexi.  She is and always will be the light of my life.  But I don't feel like we're complete.  It's hard to put into words...but it's just a feeling. 

I'm 37 years old.  I'm not sure my heart is ready to jump back onto the TTC wagon...

Negative

I'm not pregnant.  While this should not come as a shock to me, it still stings a wee bit.  Hope is a tricky thing!

So now the question remains...why has AF still not arrived?  I have an appointment on the 12th to figure that out.

Results?

So I called my doctor this morning...I couldn't wait any longer.  I was a pile of nerves while on hold...only to be told they don't have the results back from the lab yet!!

WTF!

So I'm still waiting....

Still waiting...

I'm still waiting to hear from my OBGYN...I'm thinking at this point it may be tomorrow before I hear...though they are open for another 2 hours...

Nervous

I'm so nervous today.  I've tried to prepare myself for the worst.  But I couldn't help but let my mind wander to things like baby names, and how we could potentially tell people.  Shame on me.  I know better.  But my heart can't help but swell with the possibility.  Now, I wait...

Drawn

Labs are drawn...but unlike the RE's office where you get same day results...I am at the mercy of the lab my GYN sends their samples too.  Which means, best case scenario, I hear tomorrow morning.  Or worst case scenario, I wait until Wednesday.  Either way, I know I'd put off this test long enough. 

I'll admit it...I slightly enjoy living in the fantasy that, as long as AF stays away, I could be pregnant.  But my head knows it's most likely just that...a fantasy.  My heart...well, seeing those pregnant bellies at the doctor's office...well, it left my heart yearning. 

While I was waiting a woman came out and sat down near me.  She pulled out her phone and must have called her significant other...because she was gushing about being pregnant.  7 weeks along...due June 13th.  I did the math in my head...and figured I would be just behind her.  If I was, I'd be 7 weeks on Wednesday.

Who am I kidding...there's no way.  And I need to keep telling myself that so that tomorrow's call doesn't cut as deep.

Still nada...and a blood test coming

So nothing yet.  Except that I feel bloated.  My jeans are tight...but that also could be the vast amounts of food consumed while we were at Disney.  I POAS Thursday as well...negative.  I called my OBGYN today...I go at 11:45 for a blood test.

This could be early onset menopause.  It could be an annovulatory cycle (which I've NEVER had).  It could be just stress and travel making my body go wonky.  But there is also the very real possiblity, albeit TINY possibility, that this could be IT. 

And after everything I've gone through over the past 8 years...I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Nada

Ya know how when you're in the trenches of IF and in that TWW and you post about AF not coming and as soon as you hit publish she makes her arrival?  Yea, I was thinking that would be what happened to me as soon as I posted about being late.  But nothing.  Nada.  Zip.  Zero. 

I POAS on Sunday and 2 on Monday...all negative.  I haven't since.  It's weird.  I'm having mixed emotions about the SLIGHT possibility I could still be pg.  Given all the strife DH and I have been through over the last few years I'm hesitant to be happy.  But at the same time, I'd be THRILLED if I was.  Key word being IF. 

Since Lexi was born, I've been very regular.  Most cycles falling at 28 days...just a few going to 32 days.  But I'm at 43 days.  I couldn't tell you if I've had any of my normal pre-AF symptoms...because I was so busy getting ready for WDW.  Then there is the trip itself.  I know crossing time zones can mess things up...but I only crossed one (CST to EST) and we pretty much kept our CST schedules of waking and sleeping. 

My next thought is to call my GYN and get a blood test.  But then, if it comes back positive, he isn't the doctor I'd want to see during a pregnancy.  The Dr I'd want to see doesn't take my current insurance, but does take the insurance my company is switching to for 2014.  The Dr I'd want to see is the Dr who actually delivered Lexi, he was in the same practice as my current GYN and left for another soon after she was born.

I'm all over the place.  Maybe once I hit publish AF will arrive...

Ummmmm....

Um guys...I'm late.  Like 12 days late.  My last AF was 9/11...DH and I had sex twice before we left for Florida.  I was due for AF on 10/10.  HPT's show negative.  What gives?

The house that Walt built

To say we had a great time is an understatement.  It was truly magical.  I took over 800 photos...and have almost 300 on Disney Photopass.  A brief rundown and some highlights:

Saturday - Lexi's first plane ride.  She did AWESOME!  Loved looking out the window!  Went to Downtown Disney.
Sunday - SeaWorld!  Loved the Shamu show and was afraid to pet the dolphins...but rode the Journey to Atlantis!
Monday - Hollywood Studios - She loved the Star Wars ride the most.  Lunch at Hollywood and Vine to meet June, Oso, Handy Manny and Jake!
Tuesday - Epcot - Soarin was the big hit, followed by Test Track.  Dinner at Akershus to meet Belle, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel and Snow White!
Wednesday - Magic Kingdom - We hit all of FantasyLand and watched the Electric Parade.  Lexi got to turn the park lights off in prep for the parade! Truly a once in a lifetime opportunity!  Dinner at Crystal Palace to meet Piglet, Pooh, Tigger and Eeyore.
Thursday - Animal Kingdom - Very upset she got wet on the Kali River Rapids...but loved the Kilimanjaro Safari!  Chosen at Festival of the Lion King to be the Lion leader.  Dinner at Ohana.
Friday - Back to the Magic Kingdom...hit the rest of the lands...dinner at Chef Mickey's to meet Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Goofy.  Then back to Magic Kingdom to Mickey's Not So Scary Halloween Party...tickets courtesy of my Guest Relations cousin!

To watch the wonderment and awe in Lexi's face was truly the most spectacular thing. 

One other quick story...when we told Lexi she was going to WDW, we told her TinkerBell invited her.  So when she met Tink on Friday, she said "Thank you for inviting me"...to which Tink replied, "Well Alexis, it's about time you got here!".  Lexi was amazed that Tink knew her name (she was wearing a necklace with her name on it) and couldn't believe that Tink KNEW HER!  It's all she talked about the rest of the day.

I'll post photos on FaceBook.  If you're not friends with me on FB...comment here and let me know and I'll send you my full name to friend me!

11 days

In 2009, when Lexi was 5 months old, we drove to PA to visit some family.  We went wine tasting in NorthEast and then went up to Niagara Falls. 

In 2010, we drove up to Wisconsin Dells for a long weekend.  Lexi was about 16 months old.

In 2011, we didn't go anywhere.

In 2012, we went to a local resort for another long weekend.  We went to an indoor waterpark and indoor amusement park, went antiqueing and had dinner at a riverfront restaurant.

Now, in 2013...in 11 days to be exact...we will be taking Lexi on her first ever plane ride.  We're heading off to see the House that Walt built.  Excited does not even cover the realm of emotions I'm feeling.  We've kept this a secret from Lexi since the initial planning stages began back in January.  And she won't be told until 2 days before we leave.  I'm excited to tell her.  We've been using TinkerBell as a means to try to move her back into her own bedroom...telling her that Tink comes, but because she isn't in her room, Tink can't find her.  And if Tink can't find her...she can't tell Cinderella and all the other princesses that Lexi wants to visit DisneyWorld.  And you know, you can't visit without an invitation from Cinderella.

Anyway, it's worked in that she at least starts in her room, but usually still wakes a few hours later and makes her way into our room.  She's not yet slept a whole night in her room.  Every morning she wakes up and tells me that Tink didn't come.  And I tell her that Tink may have come...but after Lexi had already left her room.  She's been a little defeated lately, so today I told her that I would call Tink and tell her that Lexi really is trying, and how proud I am that she is.  That cheered her up.

So next week, a "package" will be delivered to Lexi from Cinderella.  It contains the below wording:

Pack your bags, get ready to go.  You're off on an advenure, to a place you might know.  It's home to Mickey and Minnie, Donald and Goofy too.  Cinderella and Belle and too many more to tell you.  Have you guessed where you're going?  Do you have any clue?  Open your package and your mom and dad will tell you!  Love, Mickey and the Gang!

Her package contains 2 new dresses, an autograph book, our MagicBands, our luggage tags and the itineraries that arrived today.  I'm hoping that she gets it and will be excited.  I know I am.

The other thing I'm so excited about is experiencing WDW with her.  When I was last there, back in 2001, I remember feeling so nostalgic.  Of being overwhelmed by the emotion of wanting to one day, bring my child there.  I thought infertility was going to rob me of that opportunity.  But it didn't.  We fought through and came out on the other side.  Battered and bruised but with Lexi in our arms.  I know that I'm going to be overcome with emotions...heck, watching Tarzan with her yesterday caused tears to well up...but I hope that we make memories with her that will stay with her. 

Life after Chapter 7

I had a comment on my last post about life after filing bankruptcy.  The person was surprised that we have been able to buy a new truck and go on a trip to Disney so soon after filing.  I'm happy to share our experiences.

Before we filed bankruptcy we had roughly $30K in debt.  Credit cards mostly.  There were some medical bills thrown in there.We were paying close to $900 a month in minimum payments.  In 2011 I had signed up with a debt management company who negotiated lower interest rates on my cards, but my payment to them was still $595...the other $300 went to DH's credit cards that we didn't include on the DMP.  Our mortgage was almost $2K as well.  All of this was "fine" while DH was working.  And I say "fine" meaning we were scraping by.  Once he was let go in December 2011 we had to pinch every penny.  When our tax refund came in we relied on that to pay our monthly debts.  When that was gone we used up my bonus and savings.  We made it until September before we knew we were in trouble.  No job, no money left.   The summer was lean for us...we didn't go anywhere or do anything that cost money.  I remember going to our Village festival and trying to scrape up $21 so Lexi could ride some of the rides.  She got to ride 7 rides for that money (this year we spent $20 on an unlimited ride band that went from 1-5 and she must have rode 50 times). 

Deciding to file wasn't an easy choice.  We knew that by filing it would follow us for the next 10 years.  But we had our house...and we were planning on keeping it. 

Up until we filed, all of our bills had been on time.  Yes, we had alot of debt...and our debt to income ratio wasn't good...but we only had a few instances on our credit reports of being 30 days late.  And by few, I mean less than 10 instances in the whole report.  So when the attorney told us to stop paying everything in order to afford the $1350 fees, it went against everything that I was taught.

Anyway, we filed in November 2012 and at the same time, I applied for a mortgage loan modification with our mortgage company.  Our bankruptcy (bk) was discharged in February 2013 and our mortgage modification was finalized in April.  We no longer pay the $900 in monthly payments...and our mortgage was reduced by $400.  DH started a job in January...so we have his income (1/2 of what I bring home) now. 

Our cars were a 1997 Ford F-150 and a 2005 Ford Escape.  The 97 wasn't very reliable, but we didn't want to give up the truck...it came in handy for a lot of uses.  When we bought the new truck (it's a 2009) we weren't even sure we would get approved for the loan.  Turns out, my credit score only took a 100 point hit so I was still above 600.  Our loan is at 8% through Ally...so we didn't get a great rate because of the BK.  Our monthly payment is $341, plus $60 per month in insurance. 

Because DH didn't work at all in 2012...our tax refund was substantial and I received a good bonus.  That money hasn't been touched...some is for Disney, the rest stays in savings. 

I've researched and researched for Disney.  Our whole trip is costing us just over $3K for everything...airfare, hotel, transportation, park tickets, dining.  Everything except souvenirs.  Even that, I've been purchasing things here (Disney store, Target etc) to take with to give to Lexi so that we save on the cost of things. 

In all, after filing we reduced our monthly costs by $1300...added a $400 expense (truck)...so that nets us positive $900.  We try to save that money every month...but it's still hard.  We went for so long without that it's nice to be able to have again.  We're by no means splurging on things...but we're not as tight with our money as we were in the past.  The one thing we don't do is have any credit cards.  The truck payment will rebuild my credit...the mortgage will help as well...but we do need to get DH a card so he can start rebuilding his credit score.

You'd be shocked at how many pre-approval offers for credit cards and car loans we received in the 60 days after our BK discharged.  It was INSANE!  They all went in the trash.

So that's it.  If you have specific questions...feel free to comment, or send me a FB PM.

Where has time gone?

Where has almost 5 months gone?  I've been really bad at blogging lately.  I think about it...and have posts in my head, but they never make it to print.  A brief run down:

In May
   bought a new truck
   caught the husband spending his lunches with the "other woman" from last year
   bad month for me

In June
   spent alot of time in my counselors office
   spent alot of time watching BlackHawks hockey
   tried to pick up the pieces

In July
   Went blueberry picking
   continued seeing my therapist
   continued trying to pick up the pieces

In August
   qualified for a regional poker tournament (but can't attend because I'll be in Florida)
   qualified for a tournament of champions poker tournament (that I WILL be attending)
   Lexi starts Pre-K again
   final payment for our Disney trip due

We're heading to DisneyWorld in less than 8 weeks!  This trip was planned and airfare purchased before the crap that went down in May.  Jeez, it seems like so long ago, but it was only a few short months!  I'm very excited for the trip...moreso because I can't wait to tell Lexi.  I don't plan on telling her until the Wednesday night before we leave.  And I'm hoping to have something spectacular planned!  I want to get a HUGE box, fill it with the things I've bought her so far (a new Ariel dress, a new Minnie Mouse game for her Innotab, TinkerBell jewelry, an autograph book, a new suitcase) and mylar and latex helium filled balloons with the tickets.  I want the box to get put on the front porch and the doorbell rang...and have her bring it in.  I want to put DisneyWorld as the return address and decorate the box with images of Mickey, Minnie, Pluto and Donald.  I want to make an invitation signed by all the "princesses" inviting her to visit them at their "home" in Florida.  I want to see the look on her face when she finally understands that she is getting what she's been asking ALL year for.  A trip to DisneyWorld.  And I plan to, hopefully, get it all caught on camera. 

I'm excited to see her face as she gets to take her first airplane ride (everytime we pass the airport near our home she comments that "I wish I could fly in an airplane").  I'm excited to see her reaction to everything Disney.  If anything, it will be a brief "vacation" from the mental hell that has been my summer.

Mish Mash

• On the 16th we took Lexi for her 4 year old photos (yes, a month yearly).  If you're friends with me on Facebook...they are there.  She looks so grown up that it makes me a little sad.  I do love this age though...she's blossoming into this bright, energetic little person with ideas and opinions and...oh the DEALS she makes to get what she wants.  It's a I'll do this for you if you do this for me kinda thing.  It makes me laugh everytime she asks me if we have a deal.  But I know she's learning to compromise and barter, and it makes it worth it.
• My bird died on the 21st.  He was a cockatiel just 2 months shy of 13 years old.  I've had him since the day he hatched...and hand fed him until he was old enough to feed himself.  He liked to sit on my shoulder, or eat chicken or spaghetti off my plate.  Well, that was before I had dogs and a kid.  I actually feel a little guilty that his last few years of life were spent in his cage instead of where he loved to be.  On my shoulder.  His cage was in my office, so I'd see him everyday...talk to him a little...and get my work done.  His cage sits empty now and when I glance up, I fully expect him to see me and whistle at me...it takes me a minute to remember that he's gone...and it makes me sad.
• I'm still seeing my therapist.  Since H doesn't go anymore, we're working on ways that I can avoid "catching the guilt" that he throws at me on a regular basis.  Guilt for wanting to lose weight and feel better about myself.  Guilt for wanting to spend time with my girlfriends.  Guilt for wanting to just be happy.  I've come to the conclusion that even if I gave H what he wants (sex) it wouldn't change things. 
• It's been almost a year since I've been intimate with my husband.  I cant' believe I'm actually admitting that.  April 21st of 2012 was the last time.  Says alot about our relationship.
• We're planning a trip to DisneyWorld in October.  More because Lexi is still in that "belief" stage and really believes that Cinderella lives in the Castle there.  We want to take her before she loses that innocence. 

Knocked down

I feel like whenever I try to do something positive to try and pick myself up, H is always knocking me back down.

I'm fat...I've gained 70lbs in the 10 years I've been with H.  At the beginning of the year, I vowed, again, that I would lose it once and for all.  And each time I was met with resistance:

Me: I'm thinking about getting a treadmill
H: What the heck for?

Me: I want to lose 90 lbs
H: Who do you want to lose weight for all of a sudden?

Me: (Looking at the Color Run website) This might be fun
H: Why are you suddenly into running and losing weight?

Me: I want to feel good about myself again
H:  Well, I love you the way you are.  (said in a tone that implied I should as well)

Mind you...these conversations have all happened on different days...at different times.  I feel like no matter what I'm being pushed back down.  And I don't like it.

I bought my treadmill yesterday...it's sitting in my dining room.  I want it in the basement.  We'll see how long it takes before I have to ask my neighbor to help take it down for me.

Having the conversation

It started as me asking him to please see a counselor on his own.  That I know things have been stressful and maybe he can vent to someone who can provide some perspective.  It quickly became a "bash Amy" session. 

He doesn't think he needs counseling...his stress comes from me and if I "fix" me his stress will go away.

I'm NOT broken

Seperation was brought up...not as a path to divorce, but as a means to "start over"

He says I'm selfish because my priorities are Lexi, Me, Him...in that order.  And not Lexi, Him, Me.  He thinks I should put him before myself.

Among other things, I've screwed him by making us go bankrupt, I'm a princess who gets angry when I don't get my way, and I haven't tried to make things work...even though he has.

He says he is willing to anything to save our marriage...can't imagine life without me...but yet he won't see the counselor?

My therapist says I'm easily manipulated and he's taking advantage of that. 

I'm so confused, hurt, angry, sad...

Getting to know me

Sorry I've been absent from this place.  DH has been known to frequent my blog and I'm not comfortable being completely honest here anymore.  So any posts feel like a fib...but I'm going to try to be honest in this post.

• Lexi is still sleeping in our room.  I've given up trying to put her to bed in her bed at night...sitting with her for over an hour waiting for her to fall asleep, only to have her come into my room 90 minutes later was getting tiring.  Now, she goes to bed in the toddler bed in our room and sleeps all night.  I don't care at this point.  She's sleeping...we're sleeping...
• DH got a full time job...HALLELUAH! 
• Above full time job means he is no longer attending counseling with me.  I'm trying to get him to go on his own...but it's falling on deaf ears.
• Above full time job also means Lexi is back in daycare on Mondays and my mom is coming back out 2 days a week to watch Lexi...I have her while I work from home the other 2 days a week.  Thank the Lord for a flexible manager.
• Things haven't been good between DH and I.  It's a wake up call when your counselor suggests a seperation. 
• I don't know how to begin to have said conversation with DH as the suggestion came in a session he didn't attend.