Thoughts

21 days late.  No signs of AF...and definitely NOT pregnant.  I sit here and contemplate what that means for my reproductive health.  I know this could be a fluke annovulatory cycle...but I've ALWAYS been within 4 days of average.  So it has me thinking...would I be ok with the knowledge that my reproductive years could be finished?

The answer is no. 

In August 2012, 8 months after our 4th and last failed IVF, I went through all the baby stuff I had and sold/donated 90% of it.  I have no baby clothes, save the ones for Lexi's quilt, in my house.  No bottles or diapers.  No paci's or baby toys.  No changing pad, bouncer seat, bumbo or crib.  I did save my car seat/stroller combo, high chair, swing, and exersaucer...though the exersaucer and high chair are currently on loan to a friend.  I also saved one pack n play.  I saved these things, not because I thought I'd have another baby some day...after all, the goal of my purge was to "accept" not having another baby...but because I had 2 good friends who were pregnant at the time and I figured they could use it when/if they came to my house.  And it was used in that purpose.

But these last 21 days, I've come to realize that, while I thought I had accepted not ever being pregnant again, I really haven't.  The ache is there.  The longing to hold a sweet bundle of newborn goodness...and inhale that scent only a newborn has.  That longing takes nothing away from how I feel about Lexi.  She is and always will be the light of my life.  But I don't feel like we're complete.  It's hard to put into words...but it's just a feeling. 

I'm 37 years old.  I'm not sure my heart is ready to jump back onto the TTC wagon...