Thursday, October 31, 2013


21 days late.  No signs of AF...and definitely NOT pregnant.  I sit here and contemplate what that means for my reproductive health.  I know this could be a fluke annovulatory cycle...but I've ALWAYS been within 4 days of average.  So it has me thinking...would I be ok with the knowledge that my reproductive years could be finished?

The answer is no. 

In August 2012, 8 months after our 4th and last failed IVF, I went through all the baby stuff I had and sold/donated 90% of it.  I have no baby clothes, save the ones for Lexi's quilt, in my house.  No bottles or diapers.  No paci's or baby toys.  No changing pad, bouncer seat, bumbo or crib.  I did save my car seat/stroller combo, high chair, swing, and exersaucer...though the exersaucer and high chair are currently on loan to a friend.  I also saved one pack n play.  I saved these things, not because I thought I'd have another baby some day...after all, the goal of my purge was to "accept" not having another baby...but because I had 2 good friends who were pregnant at the time and I figured they could use it when/if they came to my house.  And it was used in that purpose.

But these last 21 days, I've come to realize that, while I thought I had accepted not ever being pregnant again, I really haven't.  The ache is there.  The longing to hold a sweet bundle of newborn goodness...and inhale that scent only a newborn has.  That longing takes nothing away from how I feel about Lexi.  She is and always will be the light of my life.  But I don't feel like we're complete.  It's hard to put into words...but it's just a feeling. 

I'm 37 years old.  I'm not sure my heart is ready to jump back onto the TTC wagon...

1 comment:

Familyofthree said...

Oh sweetie, welcome to the club. We try to be grown ups and say "we're done" and we believe it so long as that proverbial apple tips the cart and makes us start thinking the seemingly impossible is not only possible but probable.

No matter what you decide you're not alone. You're among friends, and those friends know beyond a shadow of a doubt what you're going through.