Christmas Tree

We went Sunday to cut down our Christmas tree. A little tradition that I carried over from my childhood. I always loved going to get our tree. The drive out to the farm was filled with anticipation, then seeing all the trees in the distance brought excitement. I love how they smell and how they feel. Yes, I know they make a huge mess, but its all worth it to me.

Its something I want Lexi to look forward too. Something I want her to enjoy. This year she wasn't interested in exploring so I ended up carrying her. But she did go up to the trees and smell them. That's my girl!

Unfortunately one of the downfalls to cutting your own tree is the fact that you can't really gauge their size. That's how we ended up with this sucker...

I have 9 foot ceilings in my house...and we cut about 2 feet off the top and it's still hitting the ceiling.

The trunk is literally 7 inches in diameter! It's HUGE!

A cute pic of Lexi during the "hunt"

My movie star


Here's a rare treat for you...a picture of someone other than Lexi! Me and the hubs at my cousin's wedding last Friday.

Necklace

The day of my D&C I ordered a necklace from this website. It arrived today. I ordered the Forget Me Not necklace with the 3 personalized stones. Mine has sapphire for our baby's conception month...Topaz for our loss month...and Pearl for his due date month. I love it.

Baby Sitter Question

So last Friday night was the first time that we left Lexi in the care of someone outside of family. My cousin got married, so everyone who normally watches her for us, was to be in attendance at the adult only reception. So we enlisted the teenager down the street. She and her sister came by last Sunday morning to meet Lexi and so that we could answer any questions they had and we could ask questions. Mind you, these girls are 15 and 12...so we weren't expecting professional answers. Their mom is a nurse...and they live 3 houses down from us.

Anyway, I thought that just the older one was coming...but her sister showed up as well. I had only taken enough cash out of the ATM to pay one girl...so my first question is...should I have paid BOTH girls? Like I said, I only thought one girl was coming.

Secondly, they asked if Lexi should get a bath...I told them she didn't need one, that she wasn't dirty. Well, they must have given her a bath...because last night at bath time, I noticed a dirty diaper (wet) still on the floor in the bathroom, and none of her bath toys were where I had left them before. Now, I didn't specifically tell them they couldn't give her a bath...but they also didn't mention it when we came home. What would you think about that?

Finally, when we came home...we saw that they had "cleaned". All of Lexi's toys were put away. Which was really nice...except the cleaning didn't stop there. Things that were previously on our counters were now in the cabinets...even if they didn't belong there necessarily. Now, I know they would have no idea where things went...which I why I can't understand why they felt the need to do it. Part of me thinks they were trying to make a really good impression so that we'll use them again...but part of me thinks one of them is just OCD (Lexi's books were stood up in a line organized by height and thickness). What would you think?

Regardless, Lexi obviously survived unscathed...and nothing was missing. Is it just my territorial side coming out?

Oh, and we had a great time at the wedding...

Thankful

Today, I'm especially thankful...

Follow up appointment

I had my follow up appointment today with my OBGYN...I'm "released" to return to normal activities. I had to snicker when he said that. What's normal? Certainly not life as I know it now...but I guess this is my new normal. I never in a million years would have ever thought I'd experience a miscarriage. That's something that happens to other people...not me. I have to admit...I was naive.

Anyway, he asked me how I felt about a future pregnancy. I told him I was scared to death. That on top of our lack of insurance coverage for meds. I would love to be pregnant again...love to have another baby. But right now, I'm just trying to get through today. DH and I agreed we wouldn't talk about any future baby plans until after the holidays. Maybe by the new year I'll be able to fathom trying again...that is, if we can find the funds.

For now, I'm happy and thankful for what I DO have in my life. A loving husband, a beautiful daughter, a supportive family, great friends...and all of you.

Thankful for bloggers

Can I just take a moment to say just how thankful I am to those of you out there who take time out of your day to read my rambling and especially to those of you who not only read, but comment? I don't have hundreds of followers like some bloggers...hell, I don't even think I've broken 30...but I wouldn't have it any other way at this point. I so utterly thankful for bloggers like Jamie, Molly, Rotten, Mo, Erin, Susan, Erica, Mel...and I can't even begin to remember everyone...but your comments, emails and FB messages over these past weeks have just meant the world to me. It's amazing the connection that I feel to you...and we've never even met face to face.

So thank you for reading.

Thank you for commenting.

Thank you for sharing your lives with me.

Thank you for just being you.

One week

Yesterday marked the one week mark since my D&C. Over the last week my emotions have been all over the place...but to look at me, you wouldn't know it. I'm very good at putting on the happy face for the people around me. VERY good. And I'm not sure if it's healthy. But I don't know any other way to be.

I cry in the privacy of my car, or in the bathroom at work, or while feigning sleep on the train with my hood over my head. For some reason, I just can't let the world see that I'm hurting...even though I want the world to know.

How can I begin to heal if I won't even allow myself the freedom to grieve openly?

Red

That's what I saw when I went to the ladies room earlier. I didn't bleed at all before my D&C last Friday...and I had minimal spotting Friday and Saturday...and nothing since...until today. Bright red...enough to need a pad. I called my dr and left a message with the nurse. I'm waiting to hear back as to whether this is "normal" or not.



Anyone who has had a D&C with no bleeding before...did you bleed after??

Life goes on

I think the hardest thing for me to deal with right now is that life moves on for everyone around me. I have to go through the motions of the mundane details of my daily grind. I have to show a "happy face" at work, because not everyone knows what happened. Things keep going as if nothing changed...but I have. I'm not the same person I was last Monday.

I'm dealing with alot of guilt on top of the extreme sadness. See, when we transferred the 2 "perfect" embryos and I got that positive HPT at 9dp3dt, I was scared shitless of twins. It would have been a big financial hit to us to have 2 more children. And silently, in my head, I wished one of those embryos away. I prayed that one would die. Of course, I had no way of knowing if one or both embryos tried to implant. But I'm feeling HUGE feelings of guilt over it. How could I wish my baby away? How could I want a baby to die? The logical side of me knows that any thoughts I had didn't create the outcome...but my heart is screaming at me right now...HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?? I'm angry at myself...and I don't know how to not be.

Hard

Today is hard. I'm back at work after having been off all last week. And I thought that having the distractions of work would be a plus...but I'm finding that I really have no motivation to be here. Everything seems so petty...and inconsequential. I hate to say this, but I'm feeling exactly like I was when I first came back from maternity leave. All I want to do is be at home with Lexi.

I'm very sad...some of my co-workers know what happened...but none of them have acknowledged it. I take that back. One person did, and though I cried when she did, it felt good to have her acknowledge that a life was lost. Some may say that since we never saw a heartbeat, that there was no life lost. But I disagree. A life WAS lost...and I may never know if this child was a boy or girl, if it would have looked like me or my DH. I will never touch or hold this child...but he/she WAS there. I can't act as if nothing happened...because it did.

Not only was my child taken from me...but all the hopes and dreams that I had for this child were taken as well.

D&C

I had my D&C this morning. I cried the whole way to the hospital, during check-in and all the way up until they took me back. I knew it would hit me today. After all, the last time was at this hospital, I took a baby home. This time, they took one from me. At least, that's what I was feeling this morning.

The staff was wonderful at the hospital. Very caring and sympathetic. I was very grateful for their bedside manner.

The procedure went well...I have no pain and very little bleeding. I'm glad to have the weekend to recover.

Big Day

Lately, I've had a lot of "THE" days. Beta day was THE day. Ultrasound day was THE day. Then when things started going south...every ultrasound was THE day. But tomorrow is probably THE biggest THE day. Tomorrow, my "baby" will be taken from me...physically. Even though I know there is no baby there. I went yesterday to see my obgyn...and he kindly offered another ultrasound so I would have piece of mind. The fetal pole was already gone from the sac. It made me feel more secure that tomorrow's procedure is the right decision...there is no questions anymore.

I'm surprisingly at peace today. My parents and I took Lexi to the bounce house today and had a great time. I'm sure that as I recover physically tomorrow, the emotions will come as well.

Thank you to everyone...for all your words of support, of love. I know that I'm not the only one in the world to go through this...but all your comments have made me feel enveloped in a virtual hug right when I needed it most.

19 months old

Dearest Lexi,

Happy 19 months baby girl. I really don't know what to say to you this month...mommy and daddy tried to give you a brother or sister, and we thought it worked! But unfortunately, God had another idea.

You remain my angel here on Earth, while your sibling is our angel in Heaven.

I love you more than all the stars in the skies.

Love,

Mommy

Scheduled

My D&C is scheduled for 8:30am on Friday morning. I'm to be at the hospital by 6:30am. My OBGYN just wants to meet with me tomorrow to go over risks and benefits of the procedure. Not to try to talk me into doing this naturally. Thank goodness.

Oh...and I will be knocked out for the procedure. At least that's a plus.

Decisions

I've made my decision. I want a D&C. I don't want to wait for "nature to take it's course". I waited almost a month to see if this pregnancy was going to be viable. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be done so that I can start to heal...physically and emotionally.

I had no idea that RE's didn't do D&C's. You'd think they would. So I had to call my OBGYN to ask for a D&C. But I have to SEE the doctor to talk to him about it before they will schedule it. OK, I can understand wanting to see me and make sure of everything. But what's there to talk about? I'm not, I repeat, NOT, doing this naturally. I can't bear the thought of having to wait days for my body to realize there is no more progesterone and to start the process. A process that could take a week or more. No thanks. My heart can't handle that.

I think I'm kinda numb right now. I last cried yesterday afternoon on my way to pick up Lexi from my mom's. Even my mom's sobs didn't cause the tears to flow. Once I saw Lexi, I had complete focus on her. We went to the park and had ourselves a great afternoon. Sleep came easy to me last night...but I think more because I wanted to turn off the world.

This morning is a little more difficult. I had called off work yesterday after I got the news...but I'm back logged in today. Why? I have no idea. Maybe for the distraction?

The one thing that does bring tears to my eyes is something a co-worker sent me via email. She has had miscarriages...she told me that I have my angel here on Earth...but now I also have one in heaven who will look out for us. That thought brings me some comfort.

On a happy note

Lexi made pee pee on the potty tonight. On purpose. Not by accident like her poo poo in the potty times. I had to go, so I took her diaper off and sat her down on her potty while I did my thing...and told her to go pee pee. I didn't think she did anything because she stood up so quickly and closed her lid...but when I looked, sure enough, there was pee pee in her potty! I hate to say that this made my evening...but it did.

It's over

There was no heartbeat today. It's over. I'm to stop meds...I have to decide to do this naturally or schedule a D&C. I'm not sure what I want. I'm just so heartbroken right now.

Today

I go for my scan today. I'm scared to death. Please pray.

Waiting

Thank you everyone for all your kind words...either here or email. I really appreciated all your stories and your hopefulness.

I've decided to wait for another scan on Tuesday, when I'll be 7w6d. If by then the fetal pole hasn't grown and there is no heartbeat, I will have to face facts that this pregnancy is not viable. But right now I can't do that. We've been progressing along "as normal"...just one week behind.

I can't get my RE's negative words out of my head though today. Every little twinge I'm feeling has me wondering "Is this it?" and running to the bathroom for a TP check. Each time, nothing. Thank goodness. I know I need to remain calm and try to stay positive. It's just very hard to do.

I can't believe this is dragging out so long without any answers. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

Gloomy sunshine??

Is there such a thing? Well, I'll cut right to the chase. No heartbeat.

My ultrasound tech is the nicest woman around. She scanned me for almost 20 minutes looking for a flicker. She said that the sac is so high in my uterus that it makes it very hard to see. The only good news is that there was a fetal pole, where previously, there wasn't one. I'm measuring in at 6weeks. A week behind. My RE said that in early pregnancy it's normal to be off by 3-5 days...not a whole week.

My RE basically didn't give me any hope. She flat out said that it looks like this isn't working out. But my mind and my heart disagree. I mean, yes, I'm a week behind...but I'm progressing. I went from nothing to gestational sac, to gestational sac with yolk sac, to gestational sac, yolk sac and fetal pole. I asked her if we saw a heartbeat later, like Friday or Monday, does she still think this wouldn't work out. Her answer? Yes.

I don't understand. If I'm progressing why would you call this a miscarriage? If there is a heartbeat (later) why would you tell me it won't work out? She left me with the impression that even if I do see a heartbeat within the next few days that this embryo is probably not healthy and I would lose it later anyway.

I'm left with the decision to either stop my meds now...and basically "call it"...or wait until Monday for another ultrasound to see if a heartbeat is visible. I don't want to delay the inevitable...but I don't want to end it just because I'm measuring a week behind. Even if I do see a heartbeat on Monday...I don't know how I would make it through 33 more weeks. Knowing that my RE thinks this embryo is unhealthy and will die eventually.

I'm unbelievably heartbroken. I cried the entire hour drive home. My DH, God love him, said he would support whatever decision I made. I told him I don't even want to be in a position to make this decision. How does one decide something like this? The worst part about it...I asked her what happens if we don't "wait and see". Her answer was to stop all meds and wait for my body to miscarry naturally. But I keep thinking that the meds I'm on CAN'T be the only thing keeping this embryo alive and growing. Can it?

As of right now, I have no further appointments. I need to decide whether to stop meds and see what happens....or go back Friday or Monday to look again. I'm leaning towards looking again...because I can't bear the thought of this being over.

Doom & Gloom or Sally Sunshine

Tomorrow is THE day. It will either be a very happy day...or a very sad day. I go for another ultrasound tomorrow. We have to see a heartbeat tomorrow, or, according to my RE, this pregnancy will not be viable. I'll be 7 weeks.

I'm anxious. I'm nervous. I'm scared. I know there is nothing I can do that will change what we see tomorrow. There is nothing I could have/should have/would have done differently.

I'm constantly being asked by family how I'm feeling. While my standard answer is fine or normal...what I'm really feeling is apprehension and worry. Physically, I do feel fine. The girls are sore...but that's the progesterone. I'm not nauseous. But I wasn't with Lexi either. I've felt no cramps...had no spotting. Nada. Zilch. Zero. No symptoms that would tell me anything either way. So at 6w6d I'm still in a holding pattern. Still looking for answers...tomorrow, I will get them. Please cross your fingers for me.

A few Halloween photos

Yes, she had a "Pooh dressed as Tigger" candy bag. I bought it for her last year...it actually says Baby's 1st Halloween. Even though this wasn't her first Halloween, I thought it was cute to go with her costume. Plus, it was her 1st trick or treat!

Happy Halloween!

Halloween was fun this year...with the exception of one mishap...but it wasn't a huge deal.

Lexi dressed as Tigger. She was SO adorable in her costume and once in it, couldn't wait to go out. We only went around the block (so maybe to 12 houses) and that was enough for her. She was wiped out by the end. She scored some candy that she'll be able to enjoy, and some that she won't (Snickers bars for one) but in all I think she had fun. We'd go up to the door with her and tell her to knock on the door...and she would, but so lightly that we had to ring the bell as well.

Our mishap...we were about 2 houses away from home when a car pulled up with a bunch of teenagers in it...2 jumped out and stole our candy bowl from our from porch and our neighbors! We had set them out for the kids to "help themselves" while we were out with Lexi. My DH took off after them and retrieved our bowls as they pulled into their driveways. In the meantime, we found one of the kids cell phones in our yard. We had called the police (yes, I was THAT mad) and when he came my DH was back and gave him the address and license plate number of the car. The cop said he would go talk to the parents...that it really was a dumb thing to do. We also gave the cop the phone so he would have "proof" that the kid was "guilty". So as I'm talking to my neighbor the KID COMES BACK LOOKING FOR HIS PHONE! I told him that if he was looking for it, that the cops were going to personally deliver it to his parents. He was all, "what did you do that for". I told him maybe now he'll think twice before stealing people's stuff. His answer? It's just candy. I don't care...you don't steal from little kids! And that bowl was meant for them. If he had run up and emptied it into a bag, that's one thing...though I still would have been mad...but he TOOK THE WHOLE BOWL!

Anyway, I can now laugh at the whole situation...as I think about him trying to explain to his parents why a police officer was returning his cell phone.

Pics of the Tigger will come tomorrow!