Getting by

After my long whiney post, I'll update and say she blamed technology...stating she never got my texts or messages.  Whatever.  I made nice...but I won't put myself in the same position again.  Nuff said.

We found out last week that because of the "Fiscal Cliff", Congress put the kabosh on Tier II unemployment benefits.  The benefits we were counting on from 12/29 - April.  So DH's benefits will cease 12/29/12.  Merry Christmas to us.  We will be able to "get by" with just my paycheck.  And by get by, I mean squeak through the month paying mortgage, utlities, kiddo's tuition and have $500 to split between groceries, gas for cars and any incidentals.  I know...I know.  We can do it.  It's possible.  It will be hard...but possible.  Thanks to the bankruptcy and not having $30K in debt looming over us. 

Rant - warning long and whiney

I'm posting this here because I can't post it on FB...

I'm so angry/hurt/pissed right now.  What would you do if your so called best friend, your sister from another mother, stood you up on Thanksgiving?  No calls, no texts...no responses to YOUR texts/calls/emails?  You KNOW she's not injured or dead somewhere, because she's posting on FB.

That is what I'm dealing with right now.

Here's the background story. 

October 20th - me, DH, B (her) and her husband J get together.  We discuss B and I getting together for my birthday.  Plans are made for the 22nd at 9am.  We also discuss them coming over for Thanksgiving.  They accept.

October 22nd 9am - Text B asking if we were still on for the day.  No reply.  11:30am.  Call B asking what's up?  No reply.  1:30pm Call B saying please call me.  No reply.  5:30pm - I receive a text from J saying they had been in the ER since 10am because B was in pain (she has fibro and 3 bad discs in her back).  OK...understand.  Frustrated that no one told me earlier...but whatevs.

November 6th - DH and J are playing in our poker league.  DH thinks he sees J stealing poker chips (again) makes a comment.  DH and J have words that night. 

November 13th - My week to play in our poker league.  I speak to J and agree that DH didn't handle the situation in the best manner.  He mentions that B thinks I'm mad at her about my birthday.  J and I square everything away and I commit to calling B the next day.

November 14th - Call B.  Send the below email when I get voice mail:
Since you're not taking my calls or returning my texts I figured email was the next best thing.

I don't know what happened to make you go radio silent these last few weeks. I wish you'd tell me. I've sent numerous texts with no reply.

If this is about my birthday...I'm not mad. I never was...ok I was...a little. I was upset that my calls to you that morning and my texts went unanswered and that it wasn't until 5pm that I finally knew what was going on. But once I got J's text about where you were, I wasn't mad anymore...a little frustrated that I didn't know sooner, but not mad.
If this is about what happened between J and C last week at poker...well, I can only comment on what C told me...and from what he told me...I think he was wrong. He should have either went to poker J privately, or pulled J aside privately. I don't agree with the way he handled it. But that's all I can say. I couldn't care less if J was or wasn't pocketing chips...it's FREE poker for crying out loud. It's not the WSOP.

Anyway, I know I've been busy too...stressed to the limit more like it. But that's an email for another day.

I wish you'd tell me what's going on. We've been friends for way too long to hold grudges against each other...

Love,
Me

She calls me right as I hit send.  Have heart to heart with her.  She was upset about the DH and J thing...I tell her she can't be upset with me over something DH said...plus I wasn't even present when it went down.  I also tell her that I wasn't mad about my birthday...that I was frustrated that they didn't let me know what was going on sooner...and that I waited home all day for her call.  She agrees that she should have called sooner.  We hang up on a great note.  She posts on my FB page that she was glad we talked and she loves me.  I reply I love her too.

November 19th - Get a text from J that they may not come for Thanksgiving because it would be awkward since DH and he haven't spoken for 2 weeks.

November 20th - DH's poker league week.  He and J speak and from what DH tells me, they worked everything out. 

November 21st - DH gets a text from J saying they are 50/50 because B is having a Fibro flare.  Text says they will let us know about Thanksgiving.

November 22nd - Thanksgiving.  I text J at 11am asking how B is doing.  No reply.  I text B at roughly 12pm...no reply.  At 1:15 I see B post a "Happy Thanksgiving" post on FB (says posted 2 minutes ago).  I call B.  No answer.  Leave message asking her to please call me and let me know about dinner and that I need to know if they are coming.  Dinner is at 3pm.  No calls, no texts, nothing.  DH texts J after dinner when he sees how upset I am.  No reply.  I send the below email to B at roughly 9pm...

Hi. First, I want to say that I hope you are feeling well. Second, I want to say that I hope you had a great Thanksgiving.
That being said...I am so unbelievably hurt right now. After we talked last week and I explained to you why I was upset on my birthday. That the ONE thing that upset me was that you didn't call to let me know what was going on. That a call to explain what was happening would have been enough. But yet the same thing happened today. I texted you, I called you. No response. Even though I called/texted within minutes of you posting on Facebook...so I knew you weren't sleeping, or that your battery wasn't dead.

I think of you as family...as my sister from another mother. I invited you to my family dinner...but yet you didn't show. You didn't call. That hurt.

I don't even know what to think right now...my heart hurts too much.
To date, I have not received any replies.  No explanation as to what happened...why they didn't come.  She's since ceased posting on my wall on FB and "liking" things I post.  

So, this is a long winded way of asking...do I cut my losses?  We've been friends since 1990!  I'm torn and heartbroken at the same time.  It's supposed to be my night at our poker league...but I'm not going, DH is going in my place.  I don't want to see J because I might break out in tears.  I'm also afraid of getting a call from the local PD that J and DH got into a fight and I have to come bail him out. 

B and I have a long history together.  22 years of friendship...

Kim, I now know what you must have felt like last year when you were dealing with your issues. 

Done

It's done.  We are officially the 44,936th bankruptcy case in our district.

This is going to sound really bad...but I'm SO glad.  Don't get me wrong...I'm sad that things got to this point.  I'm upset that we weren't in a better position to pay back our debts.  We tried.  We were on a consolidation plan for the last 12 months.  We cut back everywhere we could.  We just weren't able to make ends meet anymore.  Our savings is gone and we have to do what's best for our family.  Unfortunately, this was our best option.  We don't have any equity in our house, so our home is exempt.  Our cars are all old (1997 & 2005), so they are exempt.  We own nothing of value that our attorney believes the trustees would make us sell.   It was sad to see the state of our finances all on paper.  Our "means" test gave us $11 a month in disposable income.  But I'm happy that we will be able to start with a clean slate.  It's a huge stressor that's been lifted.  Obviously, we still need to meet with the trustee and wait for the discharge, but the phone calls will stop.  The letters will stop.  Maybe I can sleep at night again. 

Updates

• Lexi still hasn't slept a full night in her own bed.  We've moved the toddler bed into our room so that when she wakes at night she comes in and climbs into the bed...mostly without waking us.  There are some nights she walks into our room by 10pm and others where it's 2 or 3am before she comes in.  She always starts in her room, in her bed...but always ends up in the toddler bed.  Any advice?  Should we just let her continue and eventually she'll sleep through?
• We're going today to file our Chapter 7 bankruptcy.  I'm sad and nervous, yet relieved at the same time. 
• I'm hosting Thanksgiving again this year.  I have to keep my eye on the calendar so I take the turkey out of the freezer on time.  He needs to be thawed by Wednesday so he can brine overnight.  Saturday is my "take out turkey day"!
• I'm also hosting Christmas again.  My sister is coming in from VA with her BF, but not until 2 days after Christmas.  My mom is not pleased and is making things difficult for me.  But I will not let it ruin my holidays.
• I have no idea what to write down on my Christmas grab bag list.  We decided on a $50 limit...but I have no clue what I want.  I know what I NEED...so those things may make the list.  Things like a new pair of shoes, jeans etc.
• Though I've been really wanting a facial...I had told DH that when I get my check for working the election I was going to use it for a facial...maybe I'll save it and put a facial on my list.
• Lexi's gifts are pretty much done.  Have been since August.  There might be one or two other things I pick up...but it's going to be a tight year.

2 years

and it feels like just yesterday.   Today, I'm thinking of you, sweet Baby.  I love you...and I miss you everyday.

Down this road

We met with a Bankruptcy attorney on Friday.  We will be filing Chapter 7 as soon as we come up with the $1350 in costs to file.  The attorney was VERY nice.  I had thought I'd feel like he was judging us...or looking down on us.  But in fact, he made me feel the opposite.  He made me feel like this was a good option for us, given what we have in debts.  That we shouldn't be ashamed that it's come to this.  I'm still not happy that things have gone this way...but it's a HUGE stress relief knowing that I won't have these bills hovering over me anymore.  That our creditors won't be able to call us and harass us.  Though it does go against everything I've learned to NOT pay our creditors...but that was his advice.  Stop paying, save the money to come up with our filing fees, and file.

We're also looking into a loan modification for our mortgage. 

This is a hard road to be on...very rocky and uncertain for us.  But we're trying to remain in the center of the road so we don't fall off the sides.

Hiatus

I took an unexpected blogging hiatus this past month...because things have been stressful.

Long time readers know that DH and I have had our issues.  We've been in counseling once a week since January.  Things would be good for awhile...then we'd get into an argument and things would explode into an all out shouting match...complete with divorce threats.  Things have been much better lately as we try to implement some of the things we've learned in our sessions.  Our finances, however, remain our stressor.

DH is still not working.  It's been 10 months.  Unless something changes, his unemployment will cease in December.  We're squeaking by every month thanks to being "private" clients at our Bank...which means no OD fees when (not if) we fall short, which has been alot lately.  All our bills are current, but our savings is gone.  We have a little money set aside for things for Lexi for school...like the book fair or popcorn day...so she can take $2 or $3 and take part in the activity.  We've pulled her out of her daycare, which she was only going one day a week anyway, but she misses her friends at "little school" and doesn't understand why she can't go anymore. 

We have 2 appointments tomorrow with bankruptcy attorneys for their free consultations.  We don't want to go down this route...but we may not have any other option. 

Sleep issues

We have been having problems the last 3 weeks with Lexi going to bed.   Previously, we would put her to bed and she'd happily read her books or play with her Tigger until she fell asleep.  About the time she started PreSchool, she also started not going to bed easily.  She'll scream and cry in terror.  We've resorted to having almost every light in her room on at night because she's afraid TERRIFIED of something.  But she's not able to articulate what it is that she's afraid of.  Often telling us she's afraid of the pictures on the walls, the rocking chair, the hamper etc.  I often sit right outside her open bedroom door until she falls asleep...DH doesn't.  He gives her 2 options on his night...go to bed, or get spanked.  She chooses to go to bed...but will get up frequently in the middle of the night.  When this happens, I take her in the guest bedroom, where she sleeps in her old toddler bed and I sleep in the guest bed. 

DH hates this.  He thinks I'm coddling her and that she's manipulating me.  Last night, he got up with her and told her to go back to bed or he'd spank her.  She was crying that terrified cry...and calling for me.  It broke my heart.  I expressed that I was heartbroken by her calls...and he said "well then go to her".  So I did...took her in the other room...where she went to bed.  DH was livid with me.  Saying I undermined him.  I guess you could say I did...but only after he said to go to her.

Anyway, anyone have any advice on the sleep issue?  I'm thinking that she's feeling pressured to be a "big girl", with school starting etc and is regressing.  DH thinks she's doing it on purpose so that she can sleep in the room with me.  I just want her to sleep when she needs to, and not to be so afraid. 

Finished

I've posted before that I wanted to make a quilt out of Lexi's baby clothes...but I wanted to practice before I started cutting up those precious itty bitties.  So I started about 3 weeks ago and made a small quilt.  It's about 32" x 32" and is the perfect size for a tummy time mat.  This will be given to a pregnant friend of mine.  I have to say, I think it turned out wonderfully!  There are obvious visibile mistakes, but it's my first time doing ANY kind of sewing project more laborsome than sewing on a button.  If I could go back and do things different...I would have made sure my seams were spot on...I didn't realize how much a 1/4 inch can throw things off.  I also would have used purple thread to quilt it instead of the white.  But in all, I'm proud of it. 

I have one more practice quilt for another pregnant friend.  Then I MIGHT be brave enough to cut up Lexi's clothes. 

First Day

Today was/is Lexi's first day of Preschool.  We've had meetings all week to get ready for the big day.  Monday was a Meet and Greet at her school.  Tuesday was a parent meeting.  Yesterday was parent/teacher conference.  So we've been talking up school to her for awhile.

Nothing could have prepared me for the wave of emotion I felt as she walked into that building.  My baby isn't a baby anymore.  She's an intelligent, well rounded little girl.  And I know she'll kick butt today!  Even if mommy was teary.

Modeling, part duex

I had responded back to the agency last week that yes we were still interested and no we hadn't signed with anyone else.  I received the below email this morning...

Thank you for your submission to XXX's Talent Agency Print Department and your request for representation. A response back to this address within 24 hours is suggested. We are very glad to see that you submitted and would like to reconsider Alexis after her look and presentation is developed further. However, at this time you did not submit adequate, professional material that our agency and the model/talent Industry requires-a composite card. The photos you submitted were perfect to raise our interest as a first step to begin this process, but In order to be strongly considered for a professional's audition with us, it is necessary to obtain up-to-date materials (NOT snapshots, studio portraits or amateur portfolio shots, shots by friends, family, students, cell phones, etc) that are marketable and meet industry guidelines. It is important for a new face to show strong camera presence in this "specific" industry-styled shoot so we can best evaluate if they are right for our roster and compare to other talent we currently represent. Being that you appear new and very serious about this, most parents prefer we refer them to a fashion/lifestyle photographer who is reliable and of quality. Would you like me to refer you to someone that we trust who can assist you with this development so we can reconsider Alexis or would you prefer to pursue this on your own and submit back to us when your new industry-necessary material is complete?  Please email back to this address within the next 24 hours and let me know if I can help point you in the right direction, answer some brief questions or if you received this email.

So they liked her...but want us to get a composite card done.  I have no idea how much something like that would cost.  Guess I'll be doing some research.

Modeling

On a whim, I submitted the below photo of Lexi to a child's talent agency in our city via their website. 

Their site said I would be contacted via email if they are interested in meeting her.  That was 5 weeks ago.  This morning, I pulled up my email to find an email from the talent agency.  It was basically asking for confirmation that we hadn't been signed with another agency and that we were still interested. 

Last time I submitted her photo to this agency, when she was 12 weeks old, I got the standard "thanks for your submission, but no thanks" reply.  So I'm not sure what to make of this email.  I replied back that no, we haven't signed with anyone else, and yes, we're still interested. 

I don't want Lexi to become one of those "toddler and tiara" kids.  I want her to be a regular kid.  I'd only go for print work and things that wouldn't interfere with school.  This agency works with K0hls alot, so those pictures in the K0hls papers you see of the kids...yea, those come from this agency.  It would be nice to pad her college fund.

What are your thoughts on child modeling?  Would you let your kid?

First haircut

Lexi was blessed to have a full head of hair at birth...and it never fell out.  I love her hair...it's blond and curly.  But the ends of her hair...her original baby hair...was so tight in it's curl that it made combing it a horrible experience every morning.  I've known that it needed to be cut.  That we needed to get rid of the tight curls that made our mornings painful (quite literally for her).  But I couldn't do it.  Those locks had been with her since before she entered this world. (You can see her hair in ultrasound photos) 

Last Sunday, I had my mom, a registered cosmetologist, bring her scissors, and we did it.  Lexi was NOT a fan...she was unhappy that we were cutting her hair...but the promise of chocolate cake when we were done was enough to get her to sit still...sobbing, but still. 

In all, only about an inch was cut off...but already, this morning, it was evident that we did the right thing.  It was so much easier to comb this morning.  We actually had no tears.  I have that first lock that was snipped off...to put in her baby book.  I just can't believe we've gotten to the point of haircuts!

3-3-3-3

I was looking at my sidebar and realized that today Lexi is 3 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, and 3 days old...weird!

I've been reminicing alot lately.  Probably because of all the cleaning out I've been doing.  But part of me loves to share my memories with Lexi.  And lately, she's been all about hearing them.  I have 2 picture albums, one in my room, and one in hers, of pictures of her as a baby.  The album in her room are just the pictures taken by the hospital...the one in my room has lots of pictures.  When she was just born, the first time I held her.  Heck, I think there is a picture of the first time everyone held her.  Pictures of her as she grew...the first time we left her with her Grandma (we went to a baseball game...we had tickets and I was supposed to still be pregnant!)...her Christening etc.  She has been asking lately to see her "borning book" as she calls it.  And loves to hear about her birth and how everyone came to see her. 

I think I'll have to get some of those photo books made for her...if anyone knows of any discount codes, please share!

Virtual Garage Sale?

Anyone ever had a virtual garage sale? 

I'm selling all of my baby stuff:

Girls clothes (sizes preemie - 24 months)
Shoes
Coats/Snowsuits
Socks
Bedding
Bottles (have glass bottles that have never been used)
crib/car seat/stroller netting (kind to keep bugs out)
much much more!

Would love for things to go to a fellow IF'er who needs it.

Family Visit

We had some family visit from PA this past weekend.  They arrived on Friday evening and left yesterday morning.  It was DH's cousin D, her husband C, and their little boy, M.  M turned 2 in April...and this is the first time we've met him.  D is familiar with the pangs of infertility...she and C tried for years to have a baby...only to have M "dropped" in their laps.  A friend of theirs knew someone who was pregnant and wanted to give the baby up for adoption...and once they met, the rest is history!  They are so grateful. 

Anyway, Saturday we had a party to go to!  Lexi's other cousin Connor turned 4...and they had a bumper bowling party! 



Bowling balls that look like pumpkins!



Sunday we spent the day at Babcia and Dziadzia's swimming in the pool

Eating apples of the tree

Needing naps!



Though Lexi was the only one that caught zzz's

Sunday we went to the Shedd Aquarium

My little penguin



Jelly Fish!



Finally got a picture of both of them looking at the camera...on the last morning.



Cousin kisses!



Blogger Issues

For some reason Blogger messed up my template and layout and I can't figure out how to change it back...I'm html illiterate...anyone with suggestions??

Purging

Our marriage counselor suggested in our last session that I might want to consider "moving" the old baby stuff out of Lexi's room and into the basement so that I'm not bombarded with it everyday (it was all in her huge walk in closet).  Yesterday, I started the purge with DH.  I had 8 totes of clothes to go through.  Separating them by sleepers, dresses, sets, onesies and separates.  Saving the items that brought back the most emotion and memories.  I have a tote of bottles and feeding paraphernalia.  I have a garbage bag of coats and snowsuits.  A bag of receiving blankets and crib sheets.  A bag with the original crib bedding and bumpers.  A bag of socks.  A bag of shoes.  A tote of miscellaneous items like mobiles and stroller netting.

I have one medium sized cardboard box filled with the items I want to keep and make into a quilt.  It was easy to choose the items I wanted to keep.  Just seeing an outfit brought back the memories of the tiny 6lb bundle we brought home from the hospital.  The little girl who was 4 weeks early and so small that she didn't fit into any of the 0-3 month clothes we had on hand.  The shopping trip to get preemie and newborn sized clothing that followed her birth.  The familiarness of late night TV because of the sleepless nights that followed.  Those were the same nights I would gaze at her in awe as some obscure program lightened the room.  I couldn't, and still can't, believe she was mine.

I was in her room until after 9pm last night.  It got emotional at times.  Many tears were shed for the babies that aren't here...will never be here.  Going through the tiny clothes was harder than I thought it would be...but the larger sizes were easier. 

This morning DH is making space in the basement that will be designated for "sell".  Either via that famous "list" or garage sale.  All those totes will join that space.  Along with the pack n plays, high chairs and swing.  And when I'm ready, pictures will be put on the "list" and an ad will go out for a garage sale. 

My baby isn't a baby anymore.  And I have to come to terms that there will never be another baby. 

Quilt/blanket

I am going through all of Lexi's old clothes...and I mean ALL of them.  I still have every piece of clothing she ever had.  I'm pulling out items that trigger memories or that I particularly loved.  The rest is being garage saled.  But the items I'm keeping...I want to make into a blanket or quilt...does anyone know how to do this...or do you know someone that does this?

Saving

I'm having a hard time finding areas to cut back on in our life.  Maybe it's me. 

We had 3 cars.  No car payments.  1997 Ford F-150 (DH's daily), 2005 Ford Escape (my daily and our weekender), 1991 Ford Mustang (DH's toy).  Yesterday, DH sold the Mustang.  It wasn't practical.  We can't all fit in it, well, we can't all fit in his truck either, but that's another story.  So we don't have "new" cars.  My car has 120K miles on it already.

Food - I already shop at the A L D I by me for most things...the rest I get at the Wally Mart.  And by rest I mean deli meat and cheese for the most part and the occasional snack food that the discount store doesn't carry.  A L D I doesn't accept coupons...but I do use them at Wally's when I am buying something that I have a coupon for. 

Household items - Things like toilet paper, soap, laundry detergent and the like I buy at Tarjay.  I use the RedCard to get 5% off and any coupons I managed to find.  My RedCard is the debit kind...not a credit card.  I buy generic whenever possible.

Entertainment - We don't go out.  I take that back, we do play in a FREE poker league every Tuesday.  We wind up spending about $30 for dinner for the 3 of us...when we don't have a gift card.  See, the 1st and 2nd place prizes are gift cards to the establishment.  We usually have a gift card.  When we do go see a movie, we make sure it's a matinee...we took Lexi to see Brave last Friday.  We went to the 9:55am showing...the first showings of the day are usually deeply discounted.  So it cost us $15.  We took our own popcorn...and did buy a soda.   Any other times DH and I go ourselves, which is hardly ever, we go because we have free passes.  We have a zoo membership ($108 annual) that we bought last year, so we're able to go to the zoo for free. 

Cell Phones - This I'm looking into.  We are on the cheapest family plan right now...and we've signed up for all the "qualifiers" that get us 5% off our bill (e statements, auto debit etc).  But we might be able to cut this more.  Right now our bill is $150 total for both our lines. 

Internet/Cable - This is the hard one.  We have AT&T.  We've cut our movie channels and HD service.  We have basic cable.  We have basic Internet (which I need to work from home).  We do have a home land line and a business line I use for work.  The home land line we may be able to cut...but I have to look into the bundle and make sure cutting it doesn't increase the cost of the business line.  I can't cut the business line. 

Clothing - DH and I wear the same clothes we've worn for the last 5 years.  Lexi gets new clothes as she grows out of the ones she has (though she's still wearing some 18 month size pj's because hey, they fit).  But I go to the second hand store for them.  Shoes are another story.  She has 3 pairs right now.  Gym shoes, sandals, and a pair of "nice" shoes.  But her feet grow like weeds.

What other areas am I missing?  There may be things that seem obvious that I'm not thinking about...