Saturday was night 2 of tough love. I was really hoping for a repeat of the night before...but of course, that didn't happen. I put Lexi down at 7pm (she was SO tired) and she woke for the first time at 10:15pm. She cried for about 4 minutes...then silence. Until 30 minutes later when she cried again for about 3 or 4 minutes. Rinse and Repeat until 3am! Every 20 or 30 minutes she was screaming for 3 or 4 minutes...O.M.G. I wanted SO badly to give in, give her a bottle, and GET SOME SLEEP! But I didn't. DH was SO close as well...but we managed to make it through the night...and we all slept in until 9:30am on Sunday!
My mom said she was testing us...to see if we would give in. Kinda like you see the kids on Super.nanny doing. But OMG, I SO wanted too. If I wasn't all warm and comfy in my bed, I may have been MORE tempted to give her a bottle.
Yesterday, like I said, we slept in until 9:30 and left the house at noon to go to a friend's. Lexi slept the hour drive in the car and had another 15 minute snoozer at around 5pm. When we got home at 7, she was still raring to go so we decided to keep her up as long as she was happy. Bedtime was 8:45pm...she woke once at 9:15 and whined for about a minute...but then SLEPT UNTIL 5AM! Yes, you read that correctly. I'm not sure if she "got it" with the tough love or she was just exhausted from the day. Either way I was SO happy to have 7 hours of sleep. We'll see over the next few nights if she really "gets" it.
Sorry this post is so mundane...but I want to capture her sleep patterns.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Night One
Last night was the first night of the "tough love" we were supposed to "inflict" on Lexi. And I'll admit...it was H.A.R.D. She went down at about 7:45 (which was hard in of itself since she was overtirred) and woke at 11pm. I let her cry for 5 minutes before I went in with a bottle of water. I DID pick her up and sit with her in the rocker and offered the water, which she threw on the floor. We rocked for about 10 minutes and I told her that Mommy was going to sleep, her baba was going to sleep, and that Lexi needed to go to sleep...into the crib and cue screaming. I told her she was ok and that I loved her, and I walked out of the room. I let her cry (ok, scream) for about 15 minutes and went back in only to find she had thrown all her lovies on the floor. I picked up all the lovies and put them on her changing table, with the exception of Tigger, that I did give back to her. Told her she was fine...mommy needed to sleep, baba needed to sleep, she needed to sleep, mommy loved her and left again. Cue screaming.
At this point I REALLY wanted to give her a bottle of milk and go to bed...but I laid in bed listening to her cry...and about 20 minutes later (just before midnight) it got quiet. Music to my ears. She did wake up again at about 12:45, cried for 10 minutes (I didn't even get up) before giving up and going back to sleep...and get this...she SLEPT TILL 7AM!
It was brutal to listen to over an hour of screaming...wanting to cry myself (hubby wasn't home...lucky him), but I know it's what's best for her. Hopefully, it won't take an hour of crying tonight...but if it does, I'm prepared to deal with it. I think.
At this point I REALLY wanted to give her a bottle of milk and go to bed...but I laid in bed listening to her cry...and about 20 minutes later (just before midnight) it got quiet. Music to my ears. She did wake up again at about 12:45, cried for 10 minutes (I didn't even get up) before giving up and going back to sleep...and get this...she SLEPT TILL 7AM!
It was brutal to listen to over an hour of screaming...wanting to cry myself (hubby wasn't home...lucky him), but I know it's what's best for her. Hopefully, it won't take an hour of crying tonight...but if it does, I'm prepared to deal with it. I think.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Tough Love
Lexi went to the pedi today to talk about all the issues in my last post. His answer...Tough Love. He says her issues are behavioral and not developmental. She's spoiled and knows how to get what she wants out of us.
She gained 2lbs in the last month, so she's obviously getting enough nourishment. However, when I told him she goes through 2 gallons of milk a week...his answer was to cut back. He said she can grow on 24ozs of milk and 6 bites of food a day. We are to offer her breakfast, if she doesn't eat it, she gets nothing till lunch. If she doesn't eat lunch, nothing till dinner etc. No snacks. No more than 24oz of milk per day. That's only 3 bottles. She drinks that over the course of a night. How am I going to manage to do this?
We are not to pick her up and coddle her at night. It's just rewarding her behavior. This I don't really agree with. I mean, I'll let her cry for 5 minute stints...I guess I can increase this to 10 minutes. But I refuse to just let her cry herself to sleep everynight.
It's going to be a rough few weeks while we try to incorporate the tough love...well, as much as we're willing to do anyway. I know it's in her best interest...but I hate to hear her cry. I hate to see her look at me with those eyes while she's crying. I'll try to post as we go along to let you know how it's going. I know this is going to be harder on me than it is on her.
She gained 2lbs in the last month, so she's obviously getting enough nourishment. However, when I told him she goes through 2 gallons of milk a week...his answer was to cut back. He said she can grow on 24ozs of milk and 6 bites of food a day. We are to offer her breakfast, if she doesn't eat it, she gets nothing till lunch. If she doesn't eat lunch, nothing till dinner etc. No snacks. No more than 24oz of milk per day. That's only 3 bottles. She drinks that over the course of a night. How am I going to manage to do this?
We are not to pick her up and coddle her at night. It's just rewarding her behavior. This I don't really agree with. I mean, I'll let her cry for 5 minute stints...I guess I can increase this to 10 minutes. But I refuse to just let her cry herself to sleep everynight.
It's going to be a rough few weeks while we try to incorporate the tough love...well, as much as we're willing to do anyway. I know it's in her best interest...but I hate to hear her cry. I hate to see her look at me with those eyes while she's crying. I'll try to post as we go along to let you know how it's going. I know this is going to be harder on me than it is on her.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
I'm worried
Sorry I've been MIA...just haven't felt much like blogging. I'm worried about Lexi. As I've mentioned before, she's been having poop issues...and we've pretty much resolved it with the introduction of Miralax. And I thought that once the poop issues were resolved, then her other issues would resolve themselves. But they aren't. I haven't talked much about the issues we're having, so here goes.
Lexi can't eat. What I mean by that is she still can't eat most table food. She is unable to swallow it and anything we give her usually ends up squirreled away in her cheeks or she chokes on it. We're not talking about hot dogs and hamburgers here...but simple things like mac n cheese, or spaghetti o's.
Lexi won't eat. She is refusing even the baby food she used to devour. She pushes the spoon away before she even tastes what's on it. She used to eat 3 jars of food a day. Now, I'm lucky if I can manage to get her to eat one. And even in that one, I have to "trick" her. The one thing she WILL eat is sliced cheese. So I've resorted to putting a tiny piece of cheese on top of a spoonful of baby food to try to get her to eat it. That only works for maybe a few spoonfuls. She used to eat strawberries and blueberries...now, she throws them on the floor. The Danonino yogurts she'd eat? Pushed away (though she did eat one this weekend! YAY!). She will eat a popsicle...but she can't live on those.
Lexi isn't sleeping through the night. No big deal if she was getting up once and going back to bed. But that's not what is happening. Case in point...Monday night. In bed at 7:30pm. Wake up at 10:30pm...drink 4 ozs of milk...refuse to go back to bed by screaming her head off when her feet hit the crib mattress....sit in mommy's bed until midnight, when daddy finally gives her another 4 ozs of milk and she falls asleep...wake up at 3:20am...drink 8ozs of milk and go back to bed. Last night was the same...asleep by 8:30pm...wake at 11:30pm...drink 5 ozs, refuse to go back to sleep until after 1am. This has been going on for MONTHS.
Lexi doesn't talk. Sure, she babbles...and we've learned to pick out what certain sounds mean, but there are no real words. She does say "Mam" but she calls DH "Mam" as well. So I don't know if she is really meaning "mom" or not. "Up" is just "puh". Sure, I understand her...but it became very evident to me this weekend, that my understanding her, doesn't mean she talks.
Lexi has another disturbing behavior that concerns, OK, frightens, me. And I've been the only witness to this except one time when DH saw it. When she gets really angry...she tends to "hurt" herself. She will hit herself in the face or pull hard on her lip or hit herself in the chest...and one time (the time DH saw it) she ripped a clump of hair out of her head. I mean a BIG clump...it left a big red bald spot on her scalp. This doesn't happen often, but when it does, it shocks me every time.
One of these things by itself wouldn't be overly concerning to me, as I know each child develops at their own pace. But everything lumped together, the digression of eating and sleeping....well, it's got me down right scared for her. I've called her pedi and am waiting to hear back from the nurse. I want to get her evaluated...but I don't know where to start. Maybe I'm worrying over nothing? I've been pretty easygoing when it's come to Lexi and her development. Not comparing her to other kids her age. But at this point, I really feel that kids YOUNGER than her are starting to pass her...and THAT concerns me.
Please tell me that all this is normal...that it's no big deal. I'm so perplexed...and concerned for her.
***UPDATED TO ADD*** Heard back from the nurse...she wants Lexi to see the pedi. Appointment is Friday at 9am.
Lexi can't eat. What I mean by that is she still can't eat most table food. She is unable to swallow it and anything we give her usually ends up squirreled away in her cheeks or she chokes on it. We're not talking about hot dogs and hamburgers here...but simple things like mac n cheese, or spaghetti o's.
Lexi won't eat. She is refusing even the baby food she used to devour. She pushes the spoon away before she even tastes what's on it. She used to eat 3 jars of food a day. Now, I'm lucky if I can manage to get her to eat one. And even in that one, I have to "trick" her. The one thing she WILL eat is sliced cheese. So I've resorted to putting a tiny piece of cheese on top of a spoonful of baby food to try to get her to eat it. That only works for maybe a few spoonfuls. She used to eat strawberries and blueberries...now, she throws them on the floor. The Danonino yogurts she'd eat? Pushed away (though she did eat one this weekend! YAY!). She will eat a popsicle...but she can't live on those.
Lexi isn't sleeping through the night. No big deal if she was getting up once and going back to bed. But that's not what is happening. Case in point...Monday night. In bed at 7:30pm. Wake up at 10:30pm...drink 4 ozs of milk...refuse to go back to bed by screaming her head off when her feet hit the crib mattress....sit in mommy's bed until midnight, when daddy finally gives her another 4 ozs of milk and she falls asleep...wake up at 3:20am...drink 8ozs of milk and go back to bed. Last night was the same...asleep by 8:30pm...wake at 11:30pm...drink 5 ozs, refuse to go back to sleep until after 1am. This has been going on for MONTHS.
Lexi doesn't talk. Sure, she babbles...and we've learned to pick out what certain sounds mean, but there are no real words. She does say "Mam" but she calls DH "Mam" as well. So I don't know if she is really meaning "mom" or not. "Up" is just "puh". Sure, I understand her...but it became very evident to me this weekend, that my understanding her, doesn't mean she talks.
Lexi has another disturbing behavior that concerns, OK, frightens, me. And I've been the only witness to this except one time when DH saw it. When she gets really angry...she tends to "hurt" herself. She will hit herself in the face or pull hard on her lip or hit herself in the chest...and one time (the time DH saw it) she ripped a clump of hair out of her head. I mean a BIG clump...it left a big red bald spot on her scalp. This doesn't happen often, but when it does, it shocks me every time.
One of these things by itself wouldn't be overly concerning to me, as I know each child develops at their own pace. But everything lumped together, the digression of eating and sleeping....well, it's got me down right scared for her. I've called her pedi and am waiting to hear back from the nurse. I want to get her evaluated...but I don't know where to start. Maybe I'm worrying over nothing? I've been pretty easygoing when it's come to Lexi and her development. Not comparing her to other kids her age. But at this point, I really feel that kids YOUNGER than her are starting to pass her...and THAT concerns me.
Please tell me that all this is normal...that it's no big deal. I'm so perplexed...and concerned for her.
***UPDATED TO ADD*** Heard back from the nurse...she wants Lexi to see the pedi. Appointment is Friday at 9am.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Poop Watch
Poop watch is fully commenced. Lexi has been on Miralax now for 7 days. And it's working. Saturday we had the poop of all poops. I have to preface this by saying that in the last year, I've been VERY lucky in that I haven't had too many messy diapers. Everything pretty much stayed contained where it should be...with the exception of pee leaks overnight.
So Saturday...Lexi is playing in the family room, when she stopped, mid play and made "the face". "The face" only lasted for about 15 seconds and she started playing again. I didn't think that the 15 seconds was long enough to warrant a diaper check. Well, as she was playing, I noticed a "spot" on her jammies. So I took her upstairs to change her. When I took off her jammie pants...O.M.G. Poop explosion! It was coming out BOTH sides and her back! I had to put her in the tub to take off the diaper and wash her down. HORRIBLE! And she laughed the whole time.
Sunday was another big one...but it stayed contained. And she slept through the night both Sunday and last night. Her intestines are finally empty I think...so no tummy aches waking her up.
Zoo pictures coming soon!
So Saturday...Lexi is playing in the family room, when she stopped, mid play and made "the face". "The face" only lasted for about 15 seconds and she started playing again. I didn't think that the 15 seconds was long enough to warrant a diaper check. Well, as she was playing, I noticed a "spot" on her jammies. So I took her upstairs to change her. When I took off her jammie pants...O.M.G. Poop explosion! It was coming out BOTH sides and her back! I had to put her in the tub to take off the diaper and wash her down. HORRIBLE! And she laughed the whole time.
Sunday was another big one...but it stayed contained. And she slept through the night both Sunday and last night. Her intestines are finally empty I think...so no tummy aches waking her up.
Zoo pictures coming soon!
Monday, May 17, 2010
It would figure
I don't know why I was obsessing. I know better. If DH and I couldn't get pg by ourselves for almost 5 years...what made me think that maybe, just maybe...uuggghhh. I know better!
She showed up late on Saturday...and as I was sitting there at the pink tp...I couldn't help but be swept with an enormous sense of grief...followed by relief. I think it finally hit me...I'm not normal. DH and I aren't ever going to have a baby the "normal" way. Sounds silly coming from someone who already has 2 IVF cycles under her belt doesn't it. Shouldn't I have known that a few years ago? I think that I knew it in my head...but I never really, 100%, let my heart believe it...until Saturday. But like I said, the grief was followed by relief. I was happy that I wasn't pregnant right now. Please don't take that the wrong way. If I was, I'd be THRILLED...it's just that DH and I kinda talked about when we wanted to start cycling again, so I've had this timeline in my head...and this didn't fit it.
We said we'd go back to the RE in July or August to start cycling. IF the first cycle worked...that would mean another late April / early May baby. Lexi would have just turned 2. She would be more independent...more able to communicate her needs beyond whining and crying...she would be "mommy's little helper". It may seem trite...but I really think 4 or 5 months makes a big difference in a toddler's development. At 20 months old, would she be able to do the same things as she would at 25 months old? Who knows. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for why a Christmas baby wasn't a good idea for us to cover up the hole that infertility has made in my heart.
We went to the zoo yesterday...but that will come in another post with pictures later...and I have another poop watch update.
She showed up late on Saturday...and as I was sitting there at the pink tp...I couldn't help but be swept with an enormous sense of grief...followed by relief. I think it finally hit me...I'm not normal. DH and I aren't ever going to have a baby the "normal" way. Sounds silly coming from someone who already has 2 IVF cycles under her belt doesn't it. Shouldn't I have known that a few years ago? I think that I knew it in my head...but I never really, 100%, let my heart believe it...until Saturday. But like I said, the grief was followed by relief. I was happy that I wasn't pregnant right now. Please don't take that the wrong way. If I was, I'd be THRILLED...it's just that DH and I kinda talked about when we wanted to start cycling again, so I've had this timeline in my head...and this didn't fit it.
We said we'd go back to the RE in July or August to start cycling. IF the first cycle worked...that would mean another late April / early May baby. Lexi would have just turned 2. She would be more independent...more able to communicate her needs beyond whining and crying...she would be "mommy's little helper". It may seem trite...but I really think 4 or 5 months makes a big difference in a toddler's development. At 20 months old, would she be able to do the same things as she would at 25 months old? Who knows. Maybe I'm just trying to make excuses for why a Christmas baby wasn't a good idea for us to cover up the hole that infertility has made in my heart.
We went to the zoo yesterday...but that will come in another post with pictures later...and I have another poop watch update.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
It's not to be
AF came late on Saturday. I have a post in my mind about how I'm feeling...but it will need to wait for tomorrow. Thanks all.
Friday, May 14, 2010
Obessing again
It's all I can think about right now. And I know it's crazy. COMPLETELY UTTERLY INSANELY CRAZY!
I'm late. Not by much...but I'm still late. 4 days. I haven't been 4 days late AT ALL since my period started again back in July. I've been every 28 - 30 days. Clockwork. Now I'm 4 days late and OBSESSING. The only reason I'm obsessing this much? Let's just say this past month DH and I "found" each other again. Many times. More in the last month than in the previous 6 months. And of course, we didn't use anything. Why would we? He's got MFI and I've got my issues.
I haven't POAS. I'm NOT going to POAS. Unless another week goes by. I figured I'd use "talking" about the possibility as a way to get her flowing. Always worked in the past.
Don't get me wrong...we'd be THRILLED beyond belief IF something were to be gestating. That would mean a due date around Christmas this year...and while I would be happy it happened naturally...I'm also feeling a little remorseful. I mean this coming Christmas...Lexi will be 20 months old. Old enough to understand and have fun at Christmas. And do I want that time clouded with a newborn?
UUGGHH I feel like I'd be such an ungrateful person.
I know I shouldn't be obsessing. I mean...it's only 4 days. And I'm SURE that once I hit publish she'll come knocking...
I'm late. Not by much...but I'm still late. 4 days. I haven't been 4 days late AT ALL since my period started again back in July. I've been every 28 - 30 days. Clockwork. Now I'm 4 days late and OBSESSING. The only reason I'm obsessing this much? Let's just say this past month DH and I "found" each other again. Many times. More in the last month than in the previous 6 months. And of course, we didn't use anything. Why would we? He's got MFI and I've got my issues.
I haven't POAS. I'm NOT going to POAS. Unless another week goes by. I figured I'd use "talking" about the possibility as a way to get her flowing. Always worked in the past.
Don't get me wrong...we'd be THRILLED beyond belief IF something were to be gestating. That would mean a due date around Christmas this year...and while I would be happy it happened naturally...I'm also feeling a little remorseful. I mean this coming Christmas...Lexi will be 20 months old. Old enough to understand and have fun at Christmas. And do I want that time clouded with a newborn?
UUGGHH I feel like I'd be such an ungrateful person.
I know I shouldn't be obsessing. I mean...it's only 4 days. And I'm SURE that once I hit publish she'll come knocking...
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Poop watch
Yep...I am on poop watch. Lexi started the Miralax on Monday night. So she's had 3 doses. Tuesday...nada. Not one nugget. Yesterday...one small poop, hard but not as bad as before. Still white. Then again yesterday, one very hard nugget. Today...one diaper with a few peanuts in it. THEN...the mother of all diaper loads. HUGE poop...NOT HARD...kinda pasty. YAA HOO! Never been so happy to see poop.
She'll still be on Miralax for a little longer, just to make sure things get all cleaned out. But she's SO happy now. You can see it on her face...she feels better.
Sorry all for the TMI post, but this is technically my "baby book"...so gotta write these things down!
She'll still be on Miralax for a little longer, just to make sure things get all cleaned out. But she's SO happy now. You can see it on her face...she feels better.
Sorry all for the TMI post, but this is technically my "baby book"...so gotta write these things down!
Monday, May 10, 2010
13 months
Dear Lexi,
Happy 13 months sweet girl!
This has been a trying month for us. We switched from formula to whole milk...not a huge issue, you like the milk. But you're having poop issues. It's been awhile since you've had a normal movement...and I'm getting nervous...since things are kinda snowballing. You can't poop...except small little hard "pellets"...so you won't eat very much...which means you wake up at night hungry for milk...which means you're not getting enough sleep...which makes for a cranky, whiny girl.
I've called the pedi last week...we were trying prunes and prune juices...which resulted in one semi normal movement. But I can't feed you prunes everyday. So I called again today...to find out how much Miralax you should get. I mean you're drinking 32 - 40 oz of milk/juice a day. It's not that you're not getting enough liquid.
OK...just got off the phone with the nurse. The switch to whole milk is most likely the cause of the constipation. 1/2 cap of Miralax per day. Adjusting as needed until stools are like "pudding" (sorry readers...but need to write it down). We'll start tonight. Anything to make your tummy feel better.
On a different note, you're walking VERY well. Running almost. You still can't get to a standing position without holding onto something, but that will come with time.
You say the following words, "mum", "ba" for your bottle, "woof" for the doggie, "bahhhzzz" for balloon. You know that the cell phone goes to your ear, and that the comb is for your hair. You know where your feet are, and that the shoes go on them. You tried to put your shoe on mommy yesterday! You are a great helper when it's time to get you dressed, you know where your arms and head go on the shirt, and try to put it on yourself.
Tigger and Curious George continue to be your favorite "lovies" and you LOVE your pink coupe car! You will open and close the door, get in and out for almost 30 minutes!
That's all I can think of right now!
Other than I love you more and more each day!
Love,
Mommy
Happy 13 months sweet girl!
This has been a trying month for us. We switched from formula to whole milk...not a huge issue, you like the milk. But you're having poop issues. It's been awhile since you've had a normal movement...and I'm getting nervous...since things are kinda snowballing. You can't poop...except small little hard "pellets"...so you won't eat very much...which means you wake up at night hungry for milk...which means you're not getting enough sleep...which makes for a cranky, whiny girl.
I've called the pedi last week...we were trying prunes and prune juices...which resulted in one semi normal movement. But I can't feed you prunes everyday. So I called again today...to find out how much Miralax you should get. I mean you're drinking 32 - 40 oz of milk/juice a day. It's not that you're not getting enough liquid.
OK...just got off the phone with the nurse. The switch to whole milk is most likely the cause of the constipation. 1/2 cap of Miralax per day. Adjusting as needed until stools are like "pudding" (sorry readers...but need to write it down). We'll start tonight. Anything to make your tummy feel better.
On a different note, you're walking VERY well. Running almost. You still can't get to a standing position without holding onto something, but that will come with time.
You say the following words, "mum", "ba" for your bottle, "woof" for the doggie, "bahhhzzz" for balloon. You know that the cell phone goes to your ear, and that the comb is for your hair. You know where your feet are, and that the shoes go on them. You tried to put your shoe on mommy yesterday! You are a great helper when it's time to get you dressed, you know where your arms and head go on the shirt, and try to put it on yourself.
Tigger and Curious George continue to be your favorite "lovies" and you LOVE your pink coupe car! You will open and close the door, get in and out for almost 30 minutes!
That's all I can think of right now!
Other than I love you more and more each day!
Love,
Mommy
Monday, May 3, 2010
1st Birthday - Pictures
Finally, we got some of the pictures from Lexi's first birthday...
Birthday Girl
All these people are here for moi?
Our family
The Cake
It was atomic
The Smash Cake (plain yellow)
Singing Happy Birthday
Blow out the candle!
You want me to do what?
EAT it? No way!
I'll SMASH it!
I like this!
Look! My hand is PINK!
I like making a mess!
Here Daddy...you eat it!
Yummy!
Ha Ha!
Messy Girl!I should note that she ate maybe one bite of the cake...the rest she played with.
Friday, April 30, 2010
A few things
- Lexi spent the night at her grandma and grandpa's house last Sunday. The DH and I went to the Chicago White S0x game. It was rainy and cold, so Lexi couldn't go. We got a nice night of sleep. But I missed my girl.
- Wednesday night Lexi pooped in the potty. It was a one off thing, and I don't expect it to happen again anytime soon...she was in the tub when she made "the face". I picked her up and put her on the potty (because ya know I didn't want to have to clean up THAT in the tub) and she successfully went. Woo Hoo!
- Yesterday she had her first Baby Bees class at the park district. Grandma takes her. She was the youngest and only girl. They have an indoor "jungle gym" for kids aged 1 and 2 and they sing songs etc. Grandma said she tried to hug all the boys.
- I missed "the face" in the tub last night. So I was cleaning THAT out of the tub and cleaning all her toys with bleach. Yuck.
- I still have not gotten Lexi's birthday pictures from my sister. I told her I am holding her birthday gift hostage until I get said pictures!
Sorry, that's all I got today. It's been a very busy week at work, and I don't like to get on the computer at home if I can help it. I have a few posts brewing, so stay tuned.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
What IF
April 24 - May 1st is National Infertility Awareness Week. Many people don't know that such a week even exists...I know I didn't...until I was thrown into the world of infertility.
When Dh and I made the decision in 2004 that we would start building our family (even before he was my DH) we didn't know anything about RE's, FSH, IVF, injections, retrievals, transfers etc. Infertility wasn't a word in our vocabulary. We had fun trying to conceive that first year. I was 28, still young, so we didn't think we had anything to worry about. When we weren't pregnant after that first year we started to get a little more serious and a little less fun. I read books about TTC, and joined Fertility Friends. I started temping and checking my cervical mucus...but still we didn't worry. When we still weren't pregnant after another year DH went to the doctor...got an SA. Easiest test first. Low sperm counts. OK...that's why it's taking us longer...less swimmers. When 2007 rolled around and we still weren't able to conceive, the fun went completely out the window and we got really serious. I went to an RE.
Diagnosis: PCOS and high FSH. Treatment: IVF.
We went into that first IVF optimistic and hopeful. Upset that our family building couldn't be done in the bedroom...but overly positive. Result: 22 eggs retrieved, 0 fertilized, nothing to transfer. I was devastated. I felt that I failed...as a wife, as a woman. It took me the better part of a year to pull myself out of the despair I fell into. Seeing pregnant bellies around me deepened the wounds my failed cycle had created. I couldn't go to baby showers...not because I wasn't happy for the mom to be, but because I needed to preserve what little emotional wall I had left.
In July 2008, I was ready. I was ready to cycle again. I went into it hopeful, yet pessimistic. I had no fantasies about getting pregnant. Emotionally, I was very detached from the whole thing. Injections? Yea, just something I had to do. Monitoring? Yea, just something I had to do. It helped that I had jury duty the same week I started injections...it kept my mind busy so I didn't have to think about what was going on inside my ovaries. Result: 22 eggs retrieved, 4 fertilized, 1 surviving embryo on day 3. We transferred that lone embryo...and I tried to stay positive. On beta day, I was a nervous wreck, I hadn't POAS because if my test was going to be negative I didn't want to see the stark white. I'd rather have a nurse tell me my levels were 0.
However, when the call came, it wasn't zero. And my beautiful girl was born 36 weeks 2 days later on April 10, 2009.
I tell everyone I can that she is an IVF baby. I'm not shy about going through IVF. I'm not shy about the toll it can take. I'm willing to talk. And people ask questions. I love when people ask questions. Because it means they are interested in learning.
Yesterday on the train, I was speaking to a woman whose baby was born 15 days after Lexi. She was asking about IVF and what it entailed. What the process was. As I was telling her about the injections, the monitoring, the emotional toll...a woman 2 rows up turned around and asked if she could come sit with us...turns out, she is just starting the IVF process and was scared as hell.
I was honest. Infertility sucks. You lose your privacy, you lose intimacy. Baby making is no longer a spontaneous act. Sex is timed. It's robotic. Injections are painful, they leave bruises and welts on your body. It is expensive, even with insurance coverage (my state mandates IF coverage). Your ovaries swell to the size of grapefruits. OHSS looms. It's isolating. But in the end, infertility is the best thing that's happened to me. It's made me more patient. More compassionate. More empathetic. It's brought me wonderful online friends. It's opened my eyes to so many things. And it brought me this:
And as we start to embark on our next infertility journey (the road to #2)...we're hopeful. We're optimistic. We're having fun trying again...even though we know that fun won't bring us a baby.
Don't be silent about infertility.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
I did it
I sent Lexi's photo to a talent agency today. And now I'm nervous. Because I don't handle rejection well. Even when I'm not receiving the rejection firsthand. This would be like second hand rejection. They wouldn't be rejecting me...but my daughter. And in my eyes, she's perfection. So to have someone reject her...well, I'd feel rejected as well. Crazy isn't it? I mean, I just dropped the envelope in the mail. The agency clearly says, "Please allow 4 -6 weeks for a response". If they don't like her, she won't care. She's one.
Let me be clear in that I have NO fantasies about her "making it big" and becoming the next big child star. Ha! Far from it. I'd just like to open an ad and be able to point to a picture and say, that's MY little girl. Even if the ad is for a local mom & pop store. I think it would make for an amazing memory. Plus, anything that helps build her college fund is always welcome!
So now I sit and wait. 4 -6 weeks. That's not so bad.
Let me be clear in that I have NO fantasies about her "making it big" and becoming the next big child star. Ha! Far from it. I'd just like to open an ad and be able to point to a picture and say, that's MY little girl. Even if the ad is for a local mom & pop store. I think it would make for an amazing memory. Plus, anything that helps build her college fund is always welcome!
So now I sit and wait. 4 -6 weeks. That's not so bad.
Monday, April 19, 2010
On the go
Sorry I haven't posted about Lexi's birthday yet. I have a post ready, but I'm waiting to get the pictures from my sister. I should have them tonight.
Lexi had her 12 month well visit on the 13th.
She's 20lbs 1.5 oz (just below 50%), 31 and 3/4 inches (95%). Tall and lean. I'm jealous. LOL. The pedi wasn't concerned about her barely 1lb weight gain since 9 months...he said she's much more active so she's burning what she's eating. If she loses weight, he'd be concerned. We talked about Lexi's poop issues (constipated) and he said NO MORE FORMULA! Apparently, the formula can be the source of the constipation. Too many nutrients in the formula along with all the solid food she's eating. So whole milk for her. I have to admit, I didn't completely stop giving her formula yet. She still prefers it over the milk, so we give it to her at bedtime and when she's really upset. So we're down to maybe 2 bottles of formula a day.
Next issue is just that. Lexi is still using bottles. We've tried every sippy cup in the stores...she won't drink from them. They end up on the floor. I haven't been able to teach her how to suck from a straw (how the hell do you do that anyway?) so those "cups" are out. She will drink from the cup directly IF we hold it for her. And will drink water from the water bottle. The pedi again says not to worry...some kids go directly to cups. We're still trying.
She's walking. Right before her birthday, she took 2 steps independently from me to my mom. Then she wouldn't do it again. Then, last week, she just decided she would let go of the ottoman and walk over to her toys. By herself. She looks like frankenstein when she walks (arms out, legs still a little stiff) but it's amazing. I can't believe she's walking!
Personality wise...she's becoming more independent. She wants what she wants and she wants it NOW. She knows how to use her voice and screams/crys when she's angry.
No real words yet. She ma ma ma ma moms all the time, but I'm still not sure she connects what she's saying to me. Though she understands. We ask her where her balloon is and she looks at it up on the ceiling. She trys to say balloon but it comes out as "ba zzzzzz". She also has a Curious George stuffed animal. We tell her to go get George and give hugs and kisses, and she'll stop what she's doing and go over to where George is and give him a big open mouthed kiss and hug. That's her new thing. She loves giving kisses. Even to the dogs...right on their snouts! Very cute.
I picked up a potty seat for her yesterday. Now before I get flamed here, I don't plan on trying to potty train her yet. We bought it and it sits in the family room right now. I want her to be used to sitting on it so that when the time comes, she's not afraid of it. Though I probably could try to start her now, as it's VERY obvious when she's pooping and we can sometimes tell when she's going to go pee (body language), I'm just not ready for it. My baby is hitting all kinds of milestones and I'm not ready to add one just yet.
Lexi had her 12 month well visit on the 13th.
She's 20lbs 1.5 oz (just below 50%), 31 and 3/4 inches (95%). Tall and lean. I'm jealous. LOL. The pedi wasn't concerned about her barely 1lb weight gain since 9 months...he said she's much more active so she's burning what she's eating. If she loses weight, he'd be concerned. We talked about Lexi's poop issues (constipated) and he said NO MORE FORMULA! Apparently, the formula can be the source of the constipation. Too many nutrients in the formula along with all the solid food she's eating. So whole milk for her. I have to admit, I didn't completely stop giving her formula yet. She still prefers it over the milk, so we give it to her at bedtime and when she's really upset. So we're down to maybe 2 bottles of formula a day.
Next issue is just that. Lexi is still using bottles. We've tried every sippy cup in the stores...she won't drink from them. They end up on the floor. I haven't been able to teach her how to suck from a straw (how the hell do you do that anyway?) so those "cups" are out. She will drink from the cup directly IF we hold it for her. And will drink water from the water bottle. The pedi again says not to worry...some kids go directly to cups. We're still trying.
She's walking. Right before her birthday, she took 2 steps independently from me to my mom. Then she wouldn't do it again. Then, last week, she just decided she would let go of the ottoman and walk over to her toys. By herself. She looks like frankenstein when she walks (arms out, legs still a little stiff) but it's amazing. I can't believe she's walking!
Personality wise...she's becoming more independent. She wants what she wants and she wants it NOW. She knows how to use her voice and screams/crys when she's angry.
No real words yet. She ma ma ma ma moms all the time, but I'm still not sure she connects what she's saying to me. Though she understands. We ask her where her balloon is and she looks at it up on the ceiling. She trys to say balloon but it comes out as "ba zzzzzz". She also has a Curious George stuffed animal. We tell her to go get George and give hugs and kisses, and she'll stop what she's doing and go over to where George is and give him a big open mouthed kiss and hug. That's her new thing. She loves giving kisses. Even to the dogs...right on their snouts! Very cute.
I picked up a potty seat for her yesterday. Now before I get flamed here, I don't plan on trying to potty train her yet. We bought it and it sits in the family room right now. I want her to be used to sitting on it so that when the time comes, she's not afraid of it. Though I probably could try to start her now, as it's VERY obvious when she's pooping and we can sometimes tell when she's going to go pee (body language), I'm just not ready for it. My baby is hitting all kinds of milestones and I'm not ready to add one just yet.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Another "first"
Although this first I wish never happened. First, I'll say that everyone is ok...no injuries.
We were involved in a 3 car collision last night. 2 of the cars were ours. However, we were found to NOT be at fault. Basically, I was driving with Lexi, there was a Toyota behind me, and my husband was behind that car. I slowed down to stop for a red light. The Toyota didn't. The worst part was I saw it coming. I knew she was going to hit me. And there was nothing I could do about it but hope it wouldn't be too bad. I saw the other driver's face when she looked up from whatever it was she was doing and realized she was going to hit me. It all only lasted a few seconds, but it seemed like forever. She hit me doing about 25 or 30. Enough to totally smash the front end of her car. My husband was then unable to stop in time to avoid hitting her...which caused her car to lurch forward and hit me again. We felt both impacts.
Lexi was screaming in the back seat...more terrified than hurt - I would find out after the paramedics checked her over. The other driver was found to be at fault for "both" accidents. No tickets were issued, because technically my DH was following her too close. The cop didn't ticket him or the other driver...but listed her as the at fault driver on the report.
So now the fun begins...getting both cars fixed...and a new car seat. Since Lexi's has been involved in a collision, we were advised by the cop to get a new one, and to make her insurance pay for it.
We were involved in a 3 car collision last night. 2 of the cars were ours. However, we were found to NOT be at fault. Basically, I was driving with Lexi, there was a Toyota behind me, and my husband was behind that car. I slowed down to stop for a red light. The Toyota didn't. The worst part was I saw it coming. I knew she was going to hit me. And there was nothing I could do about it but hope it wouldn't be too bad. I saw the other driver's face when she looked up from whatever it was she was doing and realized she was going to hit me. It all only lasted a few seconds, but it seemed like forever. She hit me doing about 25 or 30. Enough to totally smash the front end of her car. My husband was then unable to stop in time to avoid hitting her...which caused her car to lurch forward and hit me again. We felt both impacts.
Lexi was screaming in the back seat...more terrified than hurt - I would find out after the paramedics checked her over. The other driver was found to be at fault for "both" accidents. No tickets were issued, because technically my DH was following her too close. The cop didn't ticket him or the other driver...but listed her as the at fault driver on the report.
So now the fun begins...getting both cars fixed...and a new car seat. Since Lexi's has been involved in a collision, we were advised by the cop to get a new one, and to make her insurance pay for it.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Happy First Birthday Peanut!
Dearest Lexi,
Happy 1st Birthday! I don't even know how to begin to write you this letter, as it's one I never thought I'd get to write. Sure, all the other monthly letters were no problem...updates on what you've been doing and milestones you're reaching...but there's something about a first birthday. Something special.
I know it sounds silly, but I've been thinking of this day for SO long. Not only does it mark your place in history, but it also closes a small chapter in our lives. You are no longer a "baby" and have moved into "toddlerhood". And that makes me both extremly sad and happy. Sad because gone are the days of snuggling on the couch and you letting me hold you to my heart's desire. Happy because you are growing into a beautiful, outgoing, well mannered little girl. And that makes my heart swell with pride.
You're so close to walking independently, and took your first 2 steps alone on Wednesday. Mommy was there to see them. One of the things I've been so afraid of, peanut, is missing out on all your "firsts" since I'm working. And I have missed quite a few...but these first steps, confirmed with grandma that you didn't do it before, I was there. I saw them with my own eyes. I saw the smile on your face as you took those steps...unsteady as they were. And tears came to my eyes. Just as they are now, as I type this.
As we close this first chapter of your life, I'm excited to begin the next one. You are my everything. I love you more than I could ever say.
Happy 1st Birthday Alexis Marie.
Love always,
Mommy
Happy 1st Birthday! I don't even know how to begin to write you this letter, as it's one I never thought I'd get to write. Sure, all the other monthly letters were no problem...updates on what you've been doing and milestones you're reaching...but there's something about a first birthday. Something special.
I know it sounds silly, but I've been thinking of this day for SO long. Not only does it mark your place in history, but it also closes a small chapter in our lives. You are no longer a "baby" and have moved into "toddlerhood". And that makes me both extremly sad and happy. Sad because gone are the days of snuggling on the couch and you letting me hold you to my heart's desire. Happy because you are growing into a beautiful, outgoing, well mannered little girl. And that makes my heart swell with pride.
You're so close to walking independently, and took your first 2 steps alone on Wednesday. Mommy was there to see them. One of the things I've been so afraid of, peanut, is missing out on all your "firsts" since I'm working. And I have missed quite a few...but these first steps, confirmed with grandma that you didn't do it before, I was there. I saw them with my own eyes. I saw the smile on your face as you took those steps...unsteady as they were. And tears came to my eyes. Just as they are now, as I type this.
As we close this first chapter of your life, I'm excited to begin the next one. You are my everything. I love you more than I could ever say.
Happy 1st Birthday Alexis Marie.
Love always,
Mommy
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Sleep Regression! HELP!!
Lexi has slept through the night for the most part since Christmas. However, over the last week or so, it seems she's regressed to waking every 2 or 3 hours. She wakes crying, and gradually that crying turns to shrieking. Until DH or I get up to go to her. Last night, she went down at 7pm...was up at 10:30, 11:45, 1 - 2am and 4:30am. It's brutal. We gave her a bottle at 11:45 and 4:30, but at 1am we brought her in our bed, where she happily played with the remote control and watched the replay of the late local news.
Anyone with babies older than Lexi...please weigh in. What is causing this? Is it a developmental thing?
Anyone with babies older than Lexi...please weigh in. What is causing this? Is it a developmental thing?
Monday, April 5, 2010
Happy Easter
Your second Easter...all before your first birthday. We're still amazed at how you've grown. Our little lady. My little peanut...little no more.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Talent Scouts
Over the last few months I've been bombarded with people telling me that Lexi should be in pictures...that I need to get her an agent. So after much thought, I decided I just might. My problem? We don't know how to start...who to contact...where to go. We aren't looking to make big bucks...just have something that is fun to do and will give us some amazing memories for later on in life. I don't want her to become crazy involved in anything as I want her to have as "normal" a childhood as possible. Anyone have any ideas? I'm wary about just doing an internet search for "child modeling" or "talent agents" because of all the possible scams out there.
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