Scattergories

I found this on Kim's blog and thought I'd play along...



SCATTERGORIES - it’s harder than it looks! Play here or play on your blog.Use the first letter of your name of your street to answer each of the following. (if your street name is a number use the first letter that spells the number. If you live on Fifth Avenue then your letter should be F) They have to be real places, names, things - nothing made up. You can not use your own name for the boy/girl names.



1. What is the name of your street? Northside

2. A 3 letter word? NOT

3. Something you would find in an office? Notebook

4. Something that smells bad? Nicotine

5. Movie Title? National Treasure

6. Slow Dance Song? Need You Tonight, INXS

7. Something in your pantry? Noodles

8. Name of a pet turtle? Nicodemus

9. Fetish or Phobia? Necrophobia (Fear of dead things)

10. something you would find in your medicine chest? Naproxen



Play along!

Can you tell I'm a Wikipedia fiend?

We're moving forward...

finally. The IVF Coordinator from my clinic called me today. I completely forgot that she was supposed to call. I'm glad she remembered. My RE does want me to come in for a consult, but more of an abbreviated version. Just to talk about protocols and sign the legal forms. I also need to have my GYN fax my PAP results along with a note stating that, despite my HPV diagnosis and mild cervical dysplasia, that I am clear to cycle. So July 2nd, 9:30am. DH will have his blood drawn for the communicable disease testing...and if AF shows up right before that, then I can get my CD3 BW & US out of the way and start BCP. Could it be? Would the planets align just right to allow us to get everything accomplished in one visit? Since I'm highly pessimistic, I say no.

This weekend was nice. Saturday, I put together some new outdoor furniture...DH put up the patio umbrella and strung lights on it. It looked really nice as we sat out Saturday evening. But then we forgot to close the umbrella and early Sunday morning the wind gusts reached about 60 miles per hour and snapped said umbrella's metal post in two. No more umbrella.

We had our parents over for Father's Day. We also invited the parents of a friend we no longer talk to. DH and I had a mutual friend in high school who is now estranged from his parents. They don't get to see their grandkids very often and I know it really hurts them that their only child has gone on a destructive path. They've done everything they could, as have his friends, but he has chosen his course. Anyway, halfway through the day, we got hit with another thunderstorm. Have I told you I'm TIRED OF THE RAIN??!! But after it passed (like 15 minutes later) it cleared up and it turned out to be a very nice evening.

I'm so proud of myself...since joining the Braces Bunch, I've only sent out 4 postcards...but today, I just mailed 7 cards. Not postcards...but cards. I've caught up with alot of my blog reading, so I'm hoping to stay up to date. Those of you who don't know what Braces Bunch is...check this out.

I now leave you with a beautiful Midwestern sunset. Don't mind the light poles or cars...it was taken in a Men.ards parking lot. But if you use your imagination, you can find yourself in a tropical destination.

Patio...updated with bad pic

As I've said before, I'm tired of rain. The Midwest has been battered lately by storms. Luckily, my little community has been spared from the worst of it. But still, when it rains, my backyard becomes a mud pit. DH and I have been trying our damndest this year to get the grass to grow...and we've been pretty successful. It helps that my puppy sits squats when he pees and he's got NITROGEN PEE! So we have tufts of grass throughout the yard that grow 100X faster than the rest of the yard. But try as we might, we have not been able to get grass to grow in the area surrounding our back steps into the yard. Mostly because that is where the 2 dogs play the most. So this area always is the cause of the 6 inches of mud I scrap off the dogs paws each time they are out after a rainfall. No more. Yesterday, my concrete patio was poured. It's purdy. I haven't taken any pics yet, but I will. I'm so happy that we had it done. Not only will the dogs not be caked in mud, but we will actually have a place to sit without the grass tickling at your ankles (something else I dislike). Anyway, I'll update with pics when the sun is shining and I can go outside without getting drenched.

Here's a bad pic of the patio...as you can sorta see...we've got stuff all over it from a get together, and that's my big guy, Sox walking through.

Wondering...

Does anyone ever hear from ME and Steve? I have been thinking about her and I've sent an email, but haven't gotten a response. I was just wondering how she was.

And because I have nothing better to tell you, other than we're having our patio poured today...I leave you with a picture of my 7 month old...

Green Thumb **Edited at bottom

First, Mini Vann has arrived! Go check out Farah's blog

I've never had a green thumb. Every plant I'd ever owned I've killed...even cacti. But I've had this one plant that I bought when hubby and I purchased our first townhouse in 2004 that I haven't killed...yet. So this year, I decided I would plant 3 rosebushes out in our front yard. I figured they would die...so imagine my surprise one day when I saw this...



I was SO excited I sent this picture to my closest IRL friends. I was even MORE excited the next day when it looked like this...





This is the only bloom so far, but there are many more buds on the plant. Even the other two rosebushes seem to be thriving...they have buds as well. I thought that maybe this change in luck with plants would resonate throughout the rest of my life, but it appears not.

I had gotten a call on Friday from my RE's office stating they had gotten MFS's letter and results and my next step is to schedule a consult. I called today, and the first available appointment is July 10th! I told the girl (she was the andrologist helping on the phone, J) that I really wanted to start with my July cycle which is due on the 1st. She said the notes on my account only indicate I need an IVF consult and that I hadn't been there since June of last year. I promptly informed J that was incorrect as I had been in for CD3 BW/US in January and have had a consult since then. So she transferred me to the nurse, K, whom I left a message with.

I really want to start in July. I haven't cycled since April/May 2007 and I just feel like every month that goes by is a missed opportunity. I'll update when K calls back.

************************************************

So K called back and let me know that the RE's initial notes in my file indicated that I would need an IVF Consult only if I desired. Since I've already been through a cycle and know what is involved she doesn't think that I will need to do it. But the RE and IVF Coordinator are both on vacation this week. K will check with them on Monday and have them call me. So I may be cycling in July!!

The verdict is in...

The MFS sees no reason why we can't proceed with another IVF cycle with DH's sperm. While the SA results weren't the best...he does have normal sperm. Of the 8 million sperm in the sample, 3% were completely normal. MFS also said that usually an IVF lab is more strict on sperm quality than a diagnostic lab "because everything is on their shoulders". He sent an email to my doctor to ask them if the 3% normal sperm were "sufficient for their use". And he also stated he wants us to freeze a sample or two to ensure we have enough "good sperm" to use. So while I did get most of my answers...(I got all I could from MFS) I now have to wait to see if my RE will "accept" DH's levels for a cycle.

I'm just hesitant about starting a new cycle if I don't know if the RE will find good sperm. But I guess with a few frozen samples, we should be good. So now I have to call my RE and see what's next. I've already missed June, since CD3 was Tuesday...but let's pretend for a moment that I start a cycle in July...that means ER and ET would be around the end of July. And let's sink deeper into fantasy land and pretend it works...that means I'd have an EDD of approximately March 2009. A girl can dream right?

T minus one day

Tomorrow afternoon DH and I see the Male IF specialist (MFS) and we are demanding answers. He has been seeing this doc since September and originally said that he wanted DH to take the Clomid for 3 months. It's been 9 months...I want answers damnit. I want to know if we have any chance of cycling with his sperm. I want to know if we need to start thinking seriously about donor sperm or not. I want answers!! I'm so tired of NOT knowing what the hell is going on with things. UUGGHH! So I plan on drilling MFS tomorrow and not leaving without my answers.

Also, today is CD3. AF arrived on Sunday afternoon. I could have been going for CD3 bloodwork had we had answers!

Blah, Blah, Blah

So yesterday was my first day back to work after my long weekend "vacation". Let me tell you, I had 2 days in there where I didn't move from the couch all day and I LOVED it. I rarely get days like that, so it was quite refreshing to get caught up on L0st (OMG I loved the finale) and generally have nothing to do. I've been fighting a case of bronchitis, so that hasn't been fun, but I was still at home...enjoying doing NOTHING!

Anyway, nothing new on the IF front. We go to DH's doc next Wednesday for his latest SA results. We're thinking we're headed into the donor world, but would at least like a Dr to tell us what our chances are with his.

And because I thought it was fun...I stole this from Farah...

A - Attached or Single: Attached
B - Best Friend(s): DH, Bridge
C - Cake or Pie: Pie (must be apple)
D - Day of Choice: Friday...I spend all day looking forward to 5pm
E - Essential Item: Cell Phone or Aleve depending on the day
F - Favorite Color(s): Cobalt Blue
G - Gummy Bears or Worms: Gummy Bears
H - Hometown: Chicago
I - Indulgence(s): Massage and sleep
J - January or July: July (don't like the cold)
K - Kids: Yes, please.
L - Life is incomplete without: Family and friends
M - Marriage Date: 10/04/2005
N - Number of Siblings: 1 younger sister
O - Oranges or Apples: Apples
P- Phobias or Fears: failure
Q - Quote: "Is money worth the price" - Unknown
R- Ring size: hhhmmm I don't really know.
S - Season: Spring or Fall...not too hot or cold
T- Tag 3 Friends: Bridge, JJ and anyone else who wants to steal this
U - Unknown fact about me: I am a complete control freak...though I try not to be
V - Very favorite stores: Target /Wal-Mart/Lane Bryant
W - Worst Habit: Biting my nails
X-ray or Ultrasound: I have had plenty of both
Y - Your Favorite Food(s): crab legs (yum yum)
Z - Zodiac: Libra

It's amazing what IF does to your mind

I have a whiteboard on my desk at work. On it is written: "Move DE for x client in July". Everyday, when I come in and see that message I immediately think, now why would x client want Donor Eggs? Then, I think "duh! It's not Donor Eggs! It's Delaware!"

IF no longer stands for "if". IF is always INFERTILITY

DE no longer is the abbreviation for the state of Delaware

MF no longer stands for the bitchin swear word I used in college

What other acronyms no longer stand for what they mean in the fertile world?

Swimming in Circles

That's how DH and I feel right now. We just called to get the latest results of his donation. Count is still only 8.3 million...with 0 normal morphology. DH has been seeing a male factor specialist since September...that's why he's been on Clomid since then...that's why we've put off cycling again. The MF specialist (MFS) never indicated to DH that he had no normal swimmers. At least that DH can remember. MFS always had DH's counts at around 1 million...but gave us the impression that those were 1 million healthy swimmers. We thought the reason he was on Clomid was because MFS wanted to increase his count. We knew he'd probably have to make a few deposits to the cryo bank before we cycled, but we're just so frustrated with everything. Why can't any doctors give us a straight answer? Will we or won't we be able to use his sperm?

I'm solicting help...

Ladies...I need your help. I need another job...that's close to my home. I currently commute 4 hours a day and it's becoming a financial strain. Anyone work for companies that offer work from home solutions? I currently work for a national financial institution and have experience in service and sales. Can you recommend anyone? Please?? I'm desperate.

PS I've requested a work from home alternative from my current employer and they said "NO".

Random thoughts

Yesterday was THE day. The one that I had been dreading. I purposefully invited MIL and my mom to our house for a BBQ so that I didn't have to go out and contend with all the smiling Moms. But it still got to me...I ended up breaking down in the morning and crying to DH. Had our last cycle been successful, we would have a 4 month old. But it wasn't successful, we're still in the same place we were before. Childless.

People like the Duggars make me sick. All that woman has to do is spread her legs and out comes another baby. It isn't fair.

Thar She Flows

That's what I wanted to scream out this morning when I went to the bathroom and found out AF had arrived...on CD34. She's playing games with me I tell you. For 9 consecutive months after my BFN, she was 28 days like clockwork...then she threw in a 32 day cycle and a 26 day cycle. Now we're up to 34 days. I guess I shouldn't complain...I could be back to the 50 & 60 day cycles of my pre-IVF self. But I was really liking the every 28 days bit. I KNEW exactly when she'd be arriving and plan my day accordingly. No client meetings that day, send DH off with his buds, curl up on the couch and just veg. No more. Oh well, at least I can look forward to another cycle soon.

Movies, Movies

This past weekend DH and I went to see 2 movies...Baby Mamma and Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Saturday was Baby Mamma...**SPOILER ALERT**now if you haven't seen the movie and don't want to know about it, skip the next paragraph.

I would have been ok with this movie if Tina Fey's character didn't have her miracle pregnancy at the end. I mean come on...she had a 1 in a million chance with ART and it just happened naturally? That was the thing that really upset me. I was ok with the story line up until that point. I was even impressed with their use of "transfer" v. "implanted" when speaking about IVF. Though the video showing the embryos landing on the uterine lining was a bit much for me.

Watching the movie with DH brought back all the emotions we've tried so hard to push past. The unsupportive family, the constant barrage of "the question" (When will you start having kids). It was an emotionally draining night. So much so, that the next morning, after some "intimate" time, I just started crying. I really have mixed emotions about cycling again. Physically, it's not hard on me...I respond well to the stims, didn't have much OHSS, didn't have any pain after retrieval or transfer. But emotionally, it kills me. And I'm scared to put myself through that emotional turmoil again. We're lucky enough to have some insurance coverage...but I'm always doing the what ifs.

Anyway, today is CD32 so I guess I'm just being hormonal. I should be getting AF any second now...but I don't feel anything. I guess I should go home and POAS to get her flowing...that always does the trick.

Shake, Rattle and Roll

My alarm goes off at 4:30am. At 4:37am, I felt my bed shake. At first I thought a massive semi must be going down my quiet residential street looking for the next build site. But all was quiet...not a sound. No truck. I remember thinking to myself...hhmmpph what are the chances of an earthquake in Chicago and going about my morning routine. That was until I turned on the TV and this was the top story. Who woulda thunk it? The earthquake was centralized in downstate Illinois, but was felt as far north as Wisconsin and as far south as Alabama. What I felt wasn't very strong...no pictures fell over, no dishes rattled (well that I know of, but I was upstairs). My dogs didn't go nutso. It was like being on one of those vibrating beds you see in the cheap motels on TV. The shaking only lasted a minute or less, but it was my first experience with an earthquake. Growing up in the Midwest, you have fire drills in school AND tornado drills. Tornadoes are something I know about...I know what to do when the sirens start their song. But I have no clue what to do in an earthquake!! That wasn't something we were taught in school...wasn't something we ever had to think about. The only experience with earthquakes I'd had prior to today was seeing the aftermaths on TV in places like San Francisco.

On a separate note...FamilyofTwo is going through a rough time right now. If you haven't already, please stop by her blog and give her some ((HUGS))

Introducing...

I have a friend (yea I DO have friends IRL). Everyone should have a friend like this one. We've known each other 18 years...since fate sat her behind me in our freshman Spanish class. OK maybe it wasn't fate but the fact we sat alphabetically (can anyone say grammar school?). But it was because of this class that we met and became best friends. She's the type of friend that you keep coming back to...even when your lives took different paths. My path brought me infertility. Hers took her down a medical nightmare (ironically, one that may make it hard for her to conceive as well). As she received diagnosis after diagnosis...I had no idea what to say to her. All I could do is be there when she needed to talk, to vent, to scream and to cry (and provide the occasional ride to the county jail). She recently came to me about how down she's been feeling. And I came clean. I fessed up that I have a blog. Now 2 people IRL know I have it. I told her how therapeutic it is to put things out there...to document what's been happening. But what is even more therapeutic is the support you receive from virtual strangers. People connected only by the Internet and a common thread. So she gussied up some courage and started one of her own. I would like to introduce you to my best friend in the world. Bridge at Fatabulous1 I know her blog isn' t an IF focused one, but please go by and welcome her to our community...and if you know anyone else who might know what she's going through, please forward her blog on. I gushed at how supportive you all are...don't make a liar out of me! LOL

Random thoughts

Did anyone watch the Biggest L0ser last night? I did...and I have to say I was very pleased that Ali won. It's about time a female won...though through it all they pumped up the "first female" to the point where you pretty much knew who was going to win it. My question is...how can these people afford to take off work for 4 1/2 months and still pay their bills? Don't they have mortgages? I would LOVE to be on this show...but there is NO WAY I could afford to take an unpaid leave from work. How would my bills get paid? UUGGHH how do they do it??

This day is going by way too slow for me. It's only 1:30 and I feel like I've been at work forever. I guess it doesn't help that it's been non stop since Monday. It's 70 here today and I just want to be outside. DH is lucky...he's off on Wednesdays so he gets to be out.

Housekeeping

I've changed the layout and template of my blog...though if you're like me, you use Google Reader or some other feed and don't click over unless you want to leave a comment. Has anyone figured out how to leave a comment from Google Reader? Anyway, since I usually use the Reader to read posts, I don't tend to see every one's actual blog pages and pics/buttons. I was scanning around today and realized just how "boring" my actual blog page was. So I'm going to try to spice it up a little if I can. I'm hesitant about posting pics, though I did post my wedding pic a while back. I'll have to think about that one.

I wanted to thank everyone for their kind words regarding yesterday's post. At first, I really didn't feel any better about having posted it. But after reading the comments, and knowing that no one thinks of me as a dirty whore (well except my husband <8') ), I actually do feel better. In a "OK no one thinks any less of me" kind of way.

I'm sure some readers are thinking, I thought this was supposed to be a blog about infertility...well hopefully, I will be able to begin posting about my next cycle. DH has been on Clomid since September in the hopes of improving his sperm counts. Our next steps are to do another SA, and then start "banking" his sperm. My RE, in combination with his Andrologist, want us to bank sperm so that we have plenty to choose from when my next ER comes along. The problem we had last time was that nothing fertilized because they couldn't find "enough" normal sperm to use. Long story short, that's how we found out DH had a testosterone issue (why we didn't know this before is beyond me and I've given up that anger). So I'm hoping that in the next few months, I'll be able to relish you with my injection horror stories and hormonal emotions. Till then...thanks for tuning in!

1,565 days

37,560 hours
2,253,600 minutes

That's how long it's been since C and I started TTC#1. In that time we've had 4 birthdays, 5 New Year's Eves, 6 pregnancy announcements within our family, 4 of which have already resulted in live births. 2 of which are second children. There have been countless BFPs in the blogosphere as well as live births, adoption matches and adoptions finalized. There have also been countless BFNs, miscarriages, fetal losses, stillbirths, adoption matches fallen through and other heartbreaking news. It's any wonder that any of us keep going. But that's all we know isn't it? We have to keep going, keep moving forward. To achieve whatever goal it was that we set out for in the first place. I think back on the last 4+ years and I wonder where it all went. Where did the time go? Has it REALLY been THAT long? And I think, will it be another 1,565 days before I achieve MY goal? I hope not. I do know that I couldn't do it without all of you. Knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles makes it a little bit easier. What's the old saying? Misery loves company?

I've been keeping something from all of you. And it wasn't until I read a fellow bloggers post about her emotional struggle with a similar diagnosis that I realized I shouldn't be hiding this. This blog is supposed to be representative of my journey to our child. If I left this out, it wouldn't be accurate. So...along with my cervical dysplasia, I was diagnosed with HPV. Since then, I've struggled emotionally with it. I have no idea how or when I "got" it, or from who. I've been with my husband for 5 years and before that was in another relationship for almost 8 years. So either I "got" it 14 years ago or from my last long term relationship. I feel dirty and unclean, like I did something I wasn't supposed to do. I was careful, wasn't out whoring around. Why did this have to happen to me? Along with all the IF shit that we have to deal with, now I have to worry about this.

There it is folks. It's out there. I no longer have an elephant in my room. But I don't feel any better about it.

An Empty Room

Mel had an interesting post that got me thinking. In her post, she talks about the room in her house that should be her "future baby's" room. In reading it, and the comments that followed, it got me thinking about "that" room in our house.

DH and I bought our 4 bedroom house in December of 2006. At that point we had been trying to have a baby for 3 years the "natural" way. We had started seeing a RE in May of 2006, but hadn't undertaken any ART treatments yet. While we walked through the house, I remember us talking about each bedroom and what we will make out of it.

Our office would be the room closest to our bedroom. It is in the front of the house, the smallest of all 4 rooms and gets alot of natural light. Perfect for those days that I would work from home. The room farthest from our bedroom, tucked away behind the stairs would be the guest bedroom. Whomever stays in it would have complete privacy. This room is also in the front of the house and has a small walk in closet and is across the hall from the guest bathroom.

The last room, the one in the back of the house, snuggled in the corner, with the large walk in closet and large sliding window would be our child's room. Because it was in the back of the house, no street noise or imposing street lights would reach our sleeping infant. The large sliding window is situated in the corner of the room, a perfect place to set a glider for those nights when our baby just wouldn't sleep. The large walk in closet would be perfect to store all of the extra diapers, clothes and toys that he/she just isn't big enough for yet. It's proximity to the master bedroom and guest bedrooms would be perfect for the nights I stayed up and let DH catch some zzz's. I imagined where I would place the crib, dresser, changing table etc.

Then we did our first IVF, and I was so excited that we might actually be using that room. My mom even gave us the dresser/changing table/armoire that I had as a kid as a starter. Then we got our BFN. I would pass by that room and see the dresser mocking me. Now the room sits dark. The blinds are shut from the outside world, no light passes onto those walls. The door remains closed. It sits unused in darkness. An empty room that I long to fill.