No, I'm not pregnant. But I have thought about giving Lexi a little brother or sister. But I'm conflicted. I love Lexi SO much...right now, I can't imagine loving another child as much as I love her. Is that wrong? Am I crazy to think that way? I can't even accurately describe my feelings...
I loved being pregnant. Sure, there were things that I didn't like, such as the bleeding scares, the swollen feet and the evil crotch pain...but it was the most amazing feeling, knowing she was there, feeling her move, experiencing every hiccup, playing guess the body part...but the best part was sitting quietly in her nursery and talking to her. Feeling her respond. Knowing she felt what I felt. She's the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside. I can't imagine NOT experiencing a pregnancy again. But then I think part of what made it so special was the fact that she was my first. I know every pregnancy is special and unique, but for me, because she was/is in every way our miracle baby, made it even more meaningful to me.
What if I don't feel the same about future pregnancies? Will that mean I'll love the child any less? I don't think so...but it's hard to think about. DH and I had said we wanted our children to be about 2 years apart. That means we would have to start a new IVF cycle sometime after Lexi's first birthday to have that age gap...and that's assuming the cycle works. I don't know if I'll be ready to experience another pregnancy by her first birthday. It doesn't seem like enough time to focus on HER. She's almost 7 months old...and I still can't imagine sharing my time with another child. I love being with her and her alone. Am I making any sense? Probably not. All I know, is my heart is overflowing with love for my daughter...I'd love to give her a sibling to grow up with and play with, but I'm being selfish...I want her all to myself.
4 comments:
You're not crazy at all!
Whenever or whatever you decide to do, I wish you peace with your decision.
Ditto. I wrote a similar...ahem...much fewer words, not so eloquent post today.
OMG, I am so in the same boat as you. I know we want 2 kids but the thought of not spending the amount of time I do now with my daughter breaks my heart. How can you love 2 as much as 1? All of my girlfriends with more than 1 child tell me that your heart simply grows. I hope I feel that urge soon because my eggs are a gettin' old.
I read the title and almost fell off the damn couch. You do what feels right to you. I'll be here for you every step of the way!
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