I've been back to work now for just over a week...and alot of my IRL friends keep asking me how I'm doing...and my standard response is "ok". But am I really ok? When I think about it, I guess I'm really not. I miss my baby girl. Rotten was so kind to send me a framed picture of my little girl with "I Love You!" printed on it for my desk. So I get to look at her all day. But it's not enough. I want more. (Thank you Rotten for the VERY nice present).
Before I was pregnant, I always said that I wouldn't have a problem going back to work...that I needed the mental stimulation and challenges that my job provides me. And I do...but I've come to realize that I don't need that as much as I need to be with Lexi. My heart aches to be near her when I'm at the office. But I HAVE to work. I carry our health insurance, and I get paid more than DH. We can't live on his salary alone. The 12 weeks I was home was challenging in another way. I had to learn what this little bundle was communicating to me with her cries and whines. And I think I've successfully done that. 99% of the time, I can tell by Lexi's cry what it is that she needs/wants. I'm sure that will change as she gets older, but I look forward to those things. And to think that I won't have the same amount of time to devote to her really rips at my heart.
I keep thinking to myself how hard we worked to bring Lexi into this world...the physical pain of injections and swollen ovaries, all the emotions that come with a negative outcome over and over, the financial burden we undertook to be able to do IVF in the first place. We did all this to have a baby, and now we can't even be with her as much as we want to be.
I guess I'm also afraid that she'll bond more with my mom, who is really going to be her primary sitter. It's silly, I guess. But I really feel like I'm missing out on this time with her. I don't get to see her discover alot of things for the first time. And I'm not "ok" with that. I just have to figure out how I can balance work and home. With a 4 hour a day commute it won't be easy. Any suggestions??
6 comments:
I feel like I could write the same exact post in Sept when I go back. I always thought I would want to be a working mom and now I would give anything to stay home with Ben. Today, it was late morning, he and I were cooing at one another and I got a huge lump in my throat. Because I won't be able to do this soon. I'll be rushing out the door in the morning. It breaks my heart. Hang in there....
Is there a possibility that you could find just as good of a job that doesn't had an extra 4 hours to your day? Something closer to home maybe?
I just wrote a post about going back to work myself (after being unemployed for 4 months). Its a balance, but it can be done. I do think that commute is a killer/diller. I would see if you could telecommute maybe 1-2 days a week?
telecommuting is a great idea. If you can do it, definately go for it. I work from home 2 days a week, and I think it's made it much easier. I miss the hell out of them when I'm at work, but they drive me crazy when we're home all the time together. This gives it a mix and I still get to work on their "firsts". It's so hard. I was just thinking this morning that people who WANT to work have it so much easier. HAVING to work, not having the choice, is a real killer and I still feel guilty, but know my kids are in good hands while I'm gone and are learning the social aspect of daycare too... Lots of luck and best wishes.
Your little girl will always know her mommy. I felt the same way about my daughter bonding more with my mother. She is 2 1/2 now and she shares a special bond with her grandma. Your little one will also have that special bond with grandma. But she will always know that mommy his her soft place to fall.
You are very welcome. I know it wouldn't make things better, but I thought at least it could make you smile on those rough days. :) Hang in there!
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