29 days and counting

If someone had told me last year that on this day I'd be 29 days away from my due date, I would have punched them...then cried. When our first cycle failed in May of 2007 it took be the better part of a year to recover emotionally. I was a mess. I felt like a failure...as a wife to my husband, as a woman. And it wasn't easy for me to pull myself out of that...especially given that I was surrounded by babies and/or pregnant women. Don't get me wrong...we didn't just sit on our asses and do nothing. DH was seeing a male infertility specialist and we'd talked to some other RE's...but it wasn't until last summer that I found myself in a place where I could go through another IVF cycle. July 31st was my last period. I started stims a few days later. ER was on August 13th. I was excited that they retrieved the same amount of mature eggs as my first cycle. Even more excited that we had 4 fertilize. Then heartbroken when we learned on transfer day that 3 of our embryos had arrested and we only had one remaining. DH was skeptical on transferring just that one...but I couldn't fathom having gone through almost a full cycle without at least trying. So we did. And on August 28th, I received the call that I will forever remember. It was the news I had been waiting almost 5 years to hear. We were pregnant.

And now here I am, a mere 29 days from my due date. Feeling Baby Girl squirm around and stretch. And I'm an emotional wreck again. I am nervous. I am excited. I am scared. I am giddy. I am overwhelmed. I am in awe. The thought that in 29 days or less, I will be responsible for a life, that will be completely dependent on me, is crazy. Will I know what to do? Will I be a good mom? How will I cope with very little sleep? What if she's a "colicky" baby? I know I don't need the answers to these questions...that things will come to me. Of all the emotions running through me right now, the one that is at the forefront is the love I have for this baby. It trumps every other thought and emotion I have. Alexis will always know how much she is wanted and loved.