1 year

Today marks the one year mark since my miscarriage.  Actually, it's the anniversary of my D&C...but since I had over a month of ups and downs, this is the day that stands out in my heart.  The day it truly ended.  I still think about that baby...and what might have been.  But my heart isn't as heavy as it once was. 

I am ever thankful for the little girl I do have.  The one who has become quite opinionated and spunky.  Who tells me everyday, I love you mommy.  Having her to hug and hold made my loss slightly easier.  She won't ever remember that she had a sibling, if ever so briefly.  All I can do is remember for her...

Slap in the face

I just got all my medical bills from the miscarriage in November sorted through. It's costing me more to lose a pregnancy than it did to deliver a baby. Not only do I NOT get my child...but I also get hit with the bills. I was only at the hospital for 5 hours that day. I was there for 36 when I delivered Lexi...and yet those bills were cheaper. And because all this happened at the END of the year...I had already used all my flex account for 2010...so all of this is going to be out of pocket.

I'm so angry right now I could SCREAM!

Necklace

The day of my D&C I ordered a necklace from this website. It arrived today. I ordered the Forget Me Not necklace with the 3 personalized stones. Mine has sapphire for our baby's conception month...Topaz for our loss month...and Pearl for his due date month. I love it.

Hard

Today is hard. I'm back at work after having been off all last week. And I thought that having the distractions of work would be a plus...but I'm finding that I really have no motivation to be here. Everything seems so petty...and inconsequential. I hate to say this, but I'm feeling exactly like I was when I first came back from maternity leave. All I want to do is be at home with Lexi.

I'm very sad...some of my co-workers know what happened...but none of them have acknowledged it. I take that back. One person did, and though I cried when she did, it felt good to have her acknowledge that a life was lost. Some may say that since we never saw a heartbeat, that there was no life lost. But I disagree. A life WAS lost...and I may never know if this child was a boy or girl, if it would have looked like me or my DH. I will never touch or hold this child...but he/she WAS there. I can't act as if nothing happened...because it did.

Not only was my child taken from me...but all the hopes and dreams that I had for this child were taken as well.

D&C

I had my D&C this morning. I cried the whole way to the hospital, during check-in and all the way up until they took me back. I knew it would hit me today. After all, the last time was at this hospital, I took a baby home. This time, they took one from me. At least, that's what I was feeling this morning.

The staff was wonderful at the hospital. Very caring and sympathetic. I was very grateful for their bedside manner.

The procedure went well...I have no pain and very little bleeding. I'm glad to have the weekend to recover.

Big Day

Lately, I've had a lot of "THE" days. Beta day was THE day. Ultrasound day was THE day. Then when things started going south...every ultrasound was THE day. But tomorrow is probably THE biggest THE day. Tomorrow, my "baby" will be taken from me...physically. Even though I know there is no baby there. I went yesterday to see my obgyn...and he kindly offered another ultrasound so I would have piece of mind. The fetal pole was already gone from the sac. It made me feel more secure that tomorrow's procedure is the right decision...there is no questions anymore.

I'm surprisingly at peace today. My parents and I took Lexi to the bounce house today and had a great time. I'm sure that as I recover physically tomorrow, the emotions will come as well.

Thank you to everyone...for all your words of support, of love. I know that I'm not the only one in the world to go through this...but all your comments have made me feel enveloped in a virtual hug right when I needed it most.

Decisions

I've made my decision. I want a D&C. I don't want to wait for "nature to take it's course". I waited almost a month to see if this pregnancy was going to be viable. I don't want to wait anymore. I want to be done so that I can start to heal...physically and emotionally.

I had no idea that RE's didn't do D&C's. You'd think they would. So I had to call my OBGYN to ask for a D&C. But I have to SEE the doctor to talk to him about it before they will schedule it. OK, I can understand wanting to see me and make sure of everything. But what's there to talk about? I'm not, I repeat, NOT, doing this naturally. I can't bear the thought of having to wait days for my body to realize there is no more progesterone and to start the process. A process that could take a week or more. No thanks. My heart can't handle that.

I think I'm kinda numb right now. I last cried yesterday afternoon on my way to pick up Lexi from my mom's. Even my mom's sobs didn't cause the tears to flow. Once I saw Lexi, I had complete focus on her. We went to the park and had ourselves a great afternoon. Sleep came easy to me last night...but I think more because I wanted to turn off the world.

This morning is a little more difficult. I had called off work yesterday after I got the news...but I'm back logged in today. Why? I have no idea. Maybe for the distraction?

The one thing that does bring tears to my eyes is something a co-worker sent me via email. She has had miscarriages...she told me that I have my angel here on Earth...but now I also have one in heaven who will look out for us. That thought brings me some comfort.