Happy Birthday Little One

Dear Baby,

Today is your due date...the day you should have been born.  Though I highly suspect you would have made your entrance into this world a few weeks ago, this is the only date I have to recognize you.  It's hard to believe 7 months have gone by since we said goodbye to you.  I still think of you every day, but it's not with the profound sadness that I carried back then.  I think about who you would look like, what your personality would be, but mostly I wonder if you were a boy or a girl. 

The fact that I can't name you is what really hurts my heart.  The fact that you're only known to your Daddy and I as "Baby" hurts my heart.  You should have a name.  You deserve a name.  But nameless you remain.  Maybe one day, Daddy and I will find something that fits you.

You will always be loved.  You will never be forgotten.

Love always,

Mommy

Has it been that long?

Dear Baby,

I should be 35 weeks along with you at this point.  I should know if you were a boy or a girl.  I should be feeling you hiccuping and kicking.  I should have seen your face on ultrasound by now.  I should be relishing these next few weeks, because if you were to be like your sister, I could have expected you to arrive next week.  I should be shopping for last minute items.  I should be packing a hospital bag.  I should have a name picked out for you.  

Instead, you remain nameless.  I don't know if you were a boy or a girl.  I never saw your face on ultrasound.  I never felt your kicks.  But that doesn't mean I don't think of you.  I think of you everyday when I see your sister's face and wonder if you would look like her. 

You are a part of me.  And I miss you everyday. 

Love,

Mommy

8 weeks ago...

Dear Baby,

I should be 16w2d today. But instead, today marks the 8 week point since we lost you. Not a day goes by that I don't think and wonder about you. Your big sister points to my rememberance necklace daily...I think it's her way of acknowledging you. And it brings me comfort while I fight the tears. On Sunday, you will officially be gone just as long as you were with us...and that makes me profoundly sad. So I will give your sister an extra big squeeze and hope that wherever you are...you can feel your mommy's love.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

Dear Baby

I know you're barely 3 weeks old at this point in your gestation, but I really hope you decide to stay for the next 36 weeks. You would have a wonderful big sister who would love you like crazy. Your daddy already talks about his hope that you're a boy and all the things he will teach you. And me...well, my heart is already yours little one.

I'm very scared that things aren't going the way they should. I know I shouldn't compare you to my pregnancy with your sister, but it's all I know, and I can't help it.

Please, please, please release a bunch more hcg for my blood test tomorrow. Mommy would LOVE to see a big increase.

Love you already,

Mommy